I don't own Digimon.
A/N: New chapter! Took me a little longer as I was trying to get a game done. While the point of this chapter is setup for events to come, there is another reason I wrote this chapter. What happens here is meant to showcase Mickey's unique personality and emphasise that while yes he is human and recognises an embarrassing situation when it occurs, he also often views those situations from a different perspective than how the average person may perceive the same series of events. This is also where the fact that these six kids have known each other literally since they were all born comes into play and just how much trust they've built with one another over thirteen years. That will become vitally important in chapters to come. Enjoy!
Following the Footsteps of Destiny
Chapter 315: The Bonds of Trust
Makiya 'Mickey' Takaishi
Odaiba, Japan, Earth
Pausing for a moment just outside the door to Daichi's room, Mickey took a deep breath before glancing back over his shoulder, his amber eyes straying towards the stairs. As far as he could tell, the foyer was quiet, indicating the last stragglers had left for the evening, and thinking back on Matty's whispered words, he allowed himself a small smile.
"I won't ever let you forget it."
He didn't seem angry or upset or anything, just worried. I shouldn't make assumptions, but...I know my brother. He wouldn't have bullied Sam into staying with him for the night unless there was a reason for it...
What that reason was, though, he had no idea, and unfortunately his inability to come up with a solid answer was causing him a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.
I know they were talking about me in the waterway, but even knowing that much isn't exactly helpful. There's no getting around the fact that Matty knows there's something up between Sam and I, but is it because he's worried about our friendship or...has he already figured out that something feels...different now when I'm around Sam?
It was a good question, but unfortunately he didn't have an answer that could potentially put his fears to rest. If the former was true and Matty was simply concerned about their friendship, that was one thing. That he could handle, but if the latter was true...
What will I do if Matty has figured out the truth and that's why he wants to get Sam alone? I know he wouldn't question Sam with the intention of hurting me, nor do I think he would hold my feelings against me, but if he doesn't understand the situation and innocently brings up my recent behaviour out of concern, how will Sam react? How will I react?
Mickey wasn't quite sure he could bring himself to answer such a heated question, and that scared him. If anything was said to expose his feelings, or if the possibly existed that his behaviour could be taken out of context, thus causing Sam to grow distant from him, he didn't know if he would be able to accept a world that existed without Sam close by his side.
Matty was definitely attempting to interrogate Sam. The looks on their faces during that whispered conversation said it all. Please, whatever happens, don't hurt each other. Don't let me be the cause of any resentment or animosity between the two of you.
Which, more than anything, was probably his greatest fear of all.
Maybe I have it all wrong. I mean, Matty might have started the conversation, but Sam was definitely the one dragging it out. They didn't look annoyed or anything, but still...their expressions were almost too neutral...
"Mickey? Aren't we going to go in?" Palelymon asked, completely startling him out of his confusing thoughts.
"Huh? Oh, right. I guess we should. I'm sorry, Palelymon."
I'm probably driving myself crazy for nothing. It doesn't do me any good to start making up stuff in my head. For all I know, I'm just imagining things...
Having come to such a sensible conclusion, he should have felt better about the whole situation, and yet...knowing perhaps he had nothing to worry about was somehow just as worrisome.
Is that because...I'm hoping Sam's experiencing similar feelings?
"It's fine, but I'm starting to worry about you," Palelymon said slowly, peering up at him with obvious concern. "You're being awfully quiet, and I don't mean just right now. You were starting to act like that even in the waterway."
Trust my digimon partner to notice. I don't want to lie to him, but I also don't want to say anything until I know for sure what it is I'm feeling...
Recognising the fact that he was experiencing a dilemma of sorts, he hesitated before saying, "You don't need to worry about me. Honestly, I'm okay. I'm just tired. It's been a long couple of days, and after everything we went through and all the time I spent worrying so much about our friends, I think I just need a good rest."
"If you say so," Palelymon murmured, though he didn't appear convinced.
The rest of the digimon looked as if they didn't believe him either, and exchanging a meaningful glance with Penguinmon, Veemon said, "We're going to go see what Davis is up to. You staying here, Gomamon? I think I hear Joe's voice on the other side of the door."
"And it sounds like he's giving Dai a real talking to," the aquatic digimon joked, looking amused. "I should probably go in and mellow him out a little bit."
Penguinmon and Veemon both laughed, and nodding to show they understood completely, the two digimon proceeded to head down the hall towards the office.
That left Mickey with DemiEmbermon, Iramon, Palelymon, Gomamon, and Shadow, and reaching down to pet the dog's head, he said mildly, "We should all probably go rescue Dai. I'm starting to feel really sorry for him."
"No kidding. Even I'm starting to pity him," Iramon laughed, earning himself an indignant protest from DemiEmbermon.
Knowing he wasn't going to do himself any favours by continuing to analyse every possibility of what might happen between Sam and Matty while he was at the Motomiya residence, Mickey reluctantly opened the door to Dai's bedroom, and stepping inside, he stopped on the threshold to survey the scene with interest.
Daichi Motomiya himself was sitting at the head of the bed between Ami and Ryoko, and perched on the comforter near the foot of the mattress, Joe was giving the goggle-headed leader a stern lecture. Ema was sitting in the chair at Dai's desk, and judging by the expression on her face, the young female was clearly enjoying the fact that her cousin was being told off, something she obviously felt he deserved. Mickey had to admit the scene was rather comical, and as all of the digimon quickly hopped onto the bed to join their partners, he said gently, "Don't you guys think Dai has had enough by now?"
"No," Ema shot back, sticking her nose in the air. "Maybe this will teach him not to act so reckless next time."
"Like I'd ever listen to you," Dai snorted, rolling his eyes at the young female. "Why don't you go find someone else to annoy? I'm tired and injured here. The last thing I need is you harping on me all night."
"You're so mean! I'm nagging you because it's in your best interest that I look out for you. Duh, it's not like I want to babysit you, dummy."
"Enough, Ema," Joe interrupted, his firm tone indicating he expected to be obeyed. "It's getting late, and Dai should be in bed resting."
"I'm not doing anything until I have a hot bath," Dai announced, wincing as he attempted to stretch his arms over his head. "Ugh, I can still smell that musty stench of the waterway all over myself."
Joe immediately frowned at the goggle-headed leader's words, and placing a hand under his chin, the doctor said slowly, "I don't know if I feel comfortable with you going in all by yourself. You're still weak and the steam might make you feel light-headed. I don't want you falling asleep in there or losing consciousness by some other means without someone close by to assist you if something like that were to happen."
"Seriously?" Dai groaned, wrinkling his nose in obvious annoyance. "Relax, Uncle. I'll be fine. I mostly feel better now."
"Even so, I'm still not comfortable with it. If you insist on having a bath this evening, then you should take someone with you to monitor your condition."
"But-"
"If you don't, I'm going to call Davis in here and have him do it."
"What!? That's so unfair! Besides, I won't be alone. DemiEmbermon will be with me."
"That's right!" the little digimon interrupted, hopping up and down on his partner's lap. "I would never let anything bad happen to Dai."
"Of course you wouldn't, but despite your best intentions to keep him safe, unfortunately you're too small to rescue him if he does lose consciousness," Joe reminded the draconian digimon before climbing to his feet. "Even digivolving wouldn't help as your other forms are too big to fit in the bathroom. You'll still need assistance in the event that something unforeseen were to happen."
"Now you're just being paranoid," Dai grumbled, making a face.
Instead of answering, Joe proceeded to head towards the door, despite Gomamon's attempts to placate the doctor, and smiling in amusement, Ryoko said, "Looks like he means business, Dai."
"Fine, fine!" the goggle-headed leader shouted, conceding defeat before the older male could rat him out to his father. "I'll take Mickey with me. Happy now?"
Huh?
Caught of guard, Mickey almost dropped his digimon partner in surprise, and turning back around to face his nephew, Joe said pleasantly, "Yes, that will be sufficient. I'll be sure to inform your mother of your sensible decision."
"What decision?" Noriko asked, coming into the room.
Before Dai could answer, Joe said mildly, "Dai has insisted on taking a bath this evening. I told him it was safe to do so only if somebody tags along to provide assistance if it's needed."
"Good idea," Noriko agreed, ignoring her son's angry protest. "There's no need for me to get Davis then, since I assume Ryoko or Mickey has volunteered?"
But I...
"Mickey's going with him," Ryoko announced, carefully maneuvering himself around Dai's injured body so he could hop off the bed. "Why don't the rest of us go grab ourselves a hot drink in the meantime?"
"Sounds good to me," Ami agreed, taking the golden-haired Digidestined's hand and giving it a quick squeeze. "I could use a comfort beverage."
"I was just about to ask if you kids wanted some hot chocolate," Noriko exclaimed, beaming at her daughter. "Why don't you all come downstairs and I can make some. Dai and Mickey can have theirs later."
He could have asked Ryoko, but instead he asked me...
Mickey wasn't quite sure what to make of the situation, and as the others proceeded to leave the room with Shadow, Gomamon, and Iramon in tow, he found himself at a loss for words. Why would Dai asked him to do something like that when Ryoko was the obvious choice?
Is it because of all those awful things Spritemon said about me to Kara? I wondered if that might be why he asked me to stay over this evening. Does that mean I wasn't imagining things and Kara really did say something to him? It's not that I don't believe he's being sincere when he says he cares about me, but...I don't know if I'm ready to talk about any of that just yet...
"Mickey, can I come with you guys, too?" Palelymon asked, his bright blue eyes indicating he didn't want to be excluded from the invitation.
"Of course you can," Dai insisted, climbing slowly off the bed to grab some pyjamas. "As if I'd leave you behind."
"We can play together in the water!" DemiEmbermon announced, bouncing happily on the comforter.
I guess...I'm not going to have a choice.
Resigning himself to the inevitable, Mickey waited with barely concealed reluctance for the goggle-headed leader to grab his things before heading out of the room, and stepping into the bathroom, he gently set Palelymon in the tub before turning the taps on to a suitable temperature. As Dai proceeded to undress, he made himself comfortable as best he could on the hard floor with his back resting against the tub, and pulling up his knees, he said softly, "I hope they weren't scolding you too badly after I left."
"Ah, whatever," Dai replied, shrugging his shoulders before lowering himself into the tub and leaning his head back with a happy sigh. "I guess I deserved some of it. You can go in after me if you want, by the way. You did get kind of wet yourself."
Despite how anxious he felt, Mickey managed a brief smile, and keeping his eyes focused on the closed bathroom door, he said quietly, "Not as bad as you, but I suppose there's no harm in feeling nice and clean again."
"Understatement of the year," Dai teased, his dark eyes remaining firmly shut as steam from the hot water slowly began to rise out of the tub. "Seriously, I can't even tell you how good this feels right about now."
At the goggle-headed leader's feet, Palelymon and DemiEmbermon were giggling and squealing as they played in the water, and unable to ignore the way his heart was pounding rapidly in his chest, Mickey chose not to respond.
Truthfully, he wasn't certain he could have replied even if he had wanted to, and unable to look at Dai, Mickey chose to keep his amber gaze focused on the door. Despite the harrowing ordeal he had injured, the goggle-headed leader didn't seem at all nervous at the way his slender body was immersed in the water right up to his ribs, which was probably a good thing. It likely meant Dai wasn't in danger of developing a phobia to something that had never bothered him in the past, which was the best they could have hoped for. Despite Joe's concerns, Mickey wasn't all that worried about anything happening to the goggle-headed leader.
The only thing that frightened him was what Dai intended to say or do now that the goggle-headed leader had managed to separate him from the others.
He made me come with him for a reason. Wait...this couldn't have something to do with Sam, could it? There's no way. He wasn't even around when most of that stuff was happening...
"Hey," Dai said quietly, the sudden words making him jump in surprise. "Do you remember what I said to you when we were searching for firewood together that night we stayed at the cabin in the swamp?"
Of course I remember...
He could hear the words clearly in his mind, and realising his lips were trembling, he quickly ducked his head to hide just how much the memory had affected him. A quick peek at the goggle-headed leader indicated the dark-haired boy hadn't opened his eyes, and doing his best to hide how nervous he felt, Mickey mumbled, "I wouldn't forget something like that."
"Funny, the way you've been acting says otherwise."
At this point, Mickey knew he had no choice but to respond, and wrapping his arms around his knees, he slowly lifted his head and whispered, "There's some truth to what she said about me."
"There's no truth to what she said about me," Dai countered, his dark eyes fluttering open to gaze calmly at the ceiling. "And before you ask, Kara didn't make me do this. I was already going to bully you into staying the night with me before she said something."
At first Mickey was at a loss for words, and then letting out a soft laugh, he said gently, "Of course you were. That's so like you."
The tension between them was palpable, and growing quiet, both of their digimon proceeded to stare at them with obvious apprehension, though neither attempted to interfere. It was as if time had come to a complete standstill, and leaning forward to rest his damp arms on the edge of the tub, Dai said firmly, "Hey, look at me. You've been avoiding my eyes long enough. Neither one of us is walking out that door until this is settled, so work with me here."
Dai...
Mickey could still feel his lips trembling, and taking a deep breath, he finally turned his head to gaze at the goggle-headed leader with as much courage as he could muster. Dai's expression was serious, and reaching out to place a gentle hand on his arm, the dark-haired boy said simply, "Listen up because I'm going to make this very clear to you. We've been together since we were babies. You're family to me, one of the brothers I never would have had if you hadn't come into my life. You are just as important to me as everyone else who has become such an integral part of my whole existence. That has never not been true. Even though we're different, we still understand each other. That's the only thing that matters. Even when you're being dumb, I know you understand that. Nobody can take that away from us, no matter what they say."
I do know that. That's why you're so important to me. That's why I was so scared to lose you...
Unable to speak, Mickey had to take a moment to compose himself, and shifting slightly so he could rest his golden head against the warm arm that was still draped over the edge of the tub, he murmured, "You're right. In my heart, I know that's all true. I didn't mean to make you think I don't believe you when you say things like that. I'm sorry, it's not you. It's just...I guess...lately I've been having trouble thinking straight."
At his heartfelt confession, the tension between them immediately disappeared, and shifting slightly to make them both more comfortable, the goggle-headed leader said slowly, "Is there something wrong? I know I wasn't really around much in the waterway, but ever since I joined up with everyone again, you...I dunno, you seem...different somehow? Like, even more quiet than usual and stuff."
"I noticed it, too," DemiEmbermon interrupted, hopping onto the edge of the tub. "You're making Palelymon worry. Isn't that right, Palelymon?"
"I can't exactly deny that," the little digimon replied, wiggling his fluffy ears as he floated leisurely in the water near Dai's knees. "And if I ask him about it, I know he won't give me a straight answer."
Mickey couldn't help blushing at his partner's words, and thinking back on his earlier fears, he found himself wanting to say something. How exactly to express himself, he wasn't sure, but now that the atmosphere between himself and Dai felt wonderfully familiar and full of obvious affection, he was finding it difficult to remain silent. Though he wasn't quite ready to reveal everything just yet, particularly because he still felt it was important for him to speak with Matty first, maybe having a sympathetic shoulder to lean on would help ease his fears somewhat.
I don't know what's going on with Sam and Matty right now, and I feel so exhausted. Even thinking about it seems like too much effort. I just need someone to tell me everything's going to be fine...
And who better to take on the job than Daichi Motomiya.
Despite the fact that he was fully naked and completely vulnerable to prying eyes, the goggle-headed leader didn't seem to care about his exposed skin in the slightest. In fact, Dai was the absolute definition of calm and composed. Anybody else in the same position likely would have felt at least a little embarrassed or uncomfortable, but not Daichi. Instead, the dark-haired boy was acting as if the entire scenario wasn't anything out of the ordinary, indicating just how strong of a bond they shared. That was only possible because of how much they trusted each other, and having come to such an important understanding regarding the inner workings of their relationship, Mickey suddenly felt warm and fuzzy inside. At that moment, he envied the goggle-headed leader for being able to treat almost any situation like it was no big deal, but at the same time he was also surprised he had even noticed the position they were in at all. Normally, he didn't really think about that sort of thing, but for some reason the situation with Sam was making him second guess almost everything...
All I've ever wanted is to be close to the people who are important to me, so...why does everything involving Sam seem so much more intense than that? Why do I feel a lot more self-conscious when we're physically touching than I do around anyone else? Even now, I don't feel at all nervous about being around Dai, despite his state of undress, but if this was Sam...
The thought flustered him so much, he quickly had to turn his face to the side so Dai wouldn't notice, and upon doing so he instantly felt frustrated with himself. It wasn't like he had never seen Sam without any clothes on before, so why did it suddenly seem like such a huge deal? And why, when he had always happily indulged in the physical touch of others, did the thought of Sam's warmth and closeness make him feel like he couldn't get enough of it? It was like the sensation had permanently burned itself into his mind.
Why do I want him to touch and hold me in ways I never imagined anyone else doing before?
"Hey, don't go all quiet on me again," Dai scolded, poking him lightly in the forehead. "What's up?"
Having come to a spontaneous decision, Mickey twisted slightly to rest his cheek on the goggle-headed leader's arm before saying, "Hey, Dai...What do you think of Sam?"
"Huh?" Dai asked, looking understandably confused. "What about him?"
The goggle-headed leader was lounging comfortably in the hot water, his left hip taking most of the weight, and though his arm was probably starting to fall asleep, Mickey couldn't help thinking it was sweet that the other boy had yet to voice a complaint. Dai was nothing if not accommodating, and knowing he needed to elaborate a little, Mickey murmured, "If you were asked to describe him, what would you say?"
"He's awesome," Dai instantly replied, shrugging his shoulders. "What more is there to say?"
"Truth," DemiEmbermon agreed, leaping back into the water with a giant splash.
Somehow, Mickey was able to avoid most of the droplets flying in his direction, and taking extra care to keep his tone neutral, he said, "I meant something a little more...specific?"
"He's super sweet!" Palelymon offered, giggling as he attempted to retaliate against the draconian digimon with a splash of his own.
Yes, he is. One of the sweetest people I've ever met.
"Yeah, that," Dai agreed, his dark eyes growing suddenly thoughtful. "Sam's always been pretty easygoing and level-headed. He's kind and caring, and he's always putting others before himself. I mean, it's pretty obvious why I respect him so much. So like...uh...if you don't mind me asking...how come you want to know?"
Mickey hesitated for a moment, and uncertain of how to respond without opening himself up to questions he currently didn't have an answer for, he said quietly, "Just wondering."
"Hey, I might not know exactly what's going on, but I can tell there's something up," Dai insisted, nudging him gently in the shoulder. "If you don't want to tell me right now or even at all, I'm cool with that, but what I said in the woods still stands. If you don't feel like you have enough courage to face whatever obstacles you feel are standing in your way, then use some of mine. It's yours to take. That's what I'm here for. You know you can count on me, so let me help you when you need it."
If I did tell him about all my insecurities regarding Sam, I know he would support me. He would probably tell me I have nothing to worry about because no matter how I'm feeling, he knows Sam would never hurt me. And he's right. I trust Sam, and logically I know I have nothing to be afraid of, but it's still hard. It's scary because I care about Sam so much...
Knowing he had Dai's full support made his heart ache pleasantly with several emotions at once, and lifting his head so he could wrap his arms around the goggle-headed leader's shoulders in a quick hug, he mumbled, "Thank you. I'm sorry, I just...really needed to hear that."
"You could have just said so," Dai laughed, returning the hug before pulling back and gazing directly into his eyes. "Feel better now?"
Sam asked me the same thing...
"A bit, but...do you mind if I ask you something else?"
"Of course not. Duh, you can literally ask me anything. I'd be offended if you didn't."
Mickey nodded, and thinking back on his other fear, he figured it wouldn't hurt to have a second opinion.
I just need to find a way to phrase it...
That, unfortunately, was proving rather difficult, and keeping his eyes averted, he murmured, "I know you're aware of the issues between myself and Matty, and while we have some things to work out, it hasn't, nor will it ever, affect our relationship as brothers. We still love each other, that's definitely never going to change...but...well, Matty's always been pretty protective of me."
"I think we're all protective of you," Dai joked, looking amused. "But yeah, I get what you're saying, and I assume you're going somewhere with this?"
Mickey blushed at the goggle-headed leader's teasing remark, and feeling suddenly shy, he said, "I am. You see...I definitely understand where he's coming from since I feel the same about him, but...well..."
"Something happened, I assume?"
"You weren't there to see it, but...back in the waterway, Sam and I had a little...disagreement of sorts. It wasn't anything major, but I think it might have caused Matty a bit of unnecessary stress. I don't think he's angry at Sam or anything, but I could see him at least wanting an explanation of some sort. Knowing Matty, do you think that's why he wanted Sam to stay with him tonight?"
"Probably," Dai replied, though despite the frown on his face, he didn't seem too concerned about the situation. "Actually, scratch that. I know that's the reason why, but I don't think you have anything to worry about. If you and Sam had a bit of a fight, Matty just wants to make sure things are okay between the two of you. You know he hates seeing you upset."
"You don't think he'll give Sam a hard time about it, do you? I don't want Matty to beret him over something that was technically my fault..."
"Even if he did, Sam's a big boy. He can handle it."
I don't know about that. Normally I would agree, but if Matty really does suspect anything unusual about my behaviour and blames Sam for it...
"Don't worry, Mickey," Palelymon insisted, hopping onto Dai's shoulder to give him a happy smile. "Everything is fine between you and Sam. Matty can see that for himself. If anything, he'll mostly just want Sam's reassurance that you're okay and there's nothing to worry about."
Maybe...
"Matty knows how close you are to Sam," Dai reminded him, once again sitting back to rest his dark head on the edge of the tub. "He would never do anything to jeopardise that."
And therein lies the problem. Maybe Sam and I are too close...
The thought startled him so badly, he immediately bolted up, and turning an even deeper shade of red, he quickly buried his face in his knees again to hide the dark stain on his cheeks. It wasn't so much that he thought Matty would care about something like that, it was more the fact that it meant the younger twin would have a reason to badger Sam about doing anything to hurt him.
Which isn't going to help the situation at all if Sam doesn't...feel any different than he always has...
"So, am I allowed to ask what happened between you and Sam?" Dai inquired, gazing at him with obvious curiosity.
Mickey once again slowly lifted his head, and keeping his amber gaze firmly fixed upon the door, he said quietly, "It wasn't anything major. He just...caught me by surprise and I sort of jerked away from him. I hadn't actually meant to, but he took offence to it. I don't blame him either. We were all nervous and tense with everything that was going on, and we let that get to us. I've since apologised and everything's fine, but I'm sure it affected Matty in a negative way. After all, Sam and I very rarely fight. It's not something Matty's used to seeing."
"That's for sure," Dai snorted, carefully arching his back this time to once again stretch his arms above his head. "Well, I'm glad you guys are good now. Just remember, though, no matter how many fights you two get into, Sam would never stop caring about you. I'd bet my life on that."
And I'll never stop caring about him...
Despite his fears, Mickey was surprised to find that he actually did feel a lot better, and smiling at the goggle-headed leader, he said sincerely, "I know. Thanks for dragging me in here. I'm really glad I got to tell you all of this."
Despite everything I've said, Dai doesn't seem to think there's anything suspicious about the way I kept bringing up Sam. I guess that means I was discreet enough, though I do want to tell him the truth eventually...
"I'm glad you told me," Dai replied, smiling in return. "Ugh, I guess I should probably get out and prove to Uncle Joe I haven't died in here. Let me just wash up and then you can have the tub."
"Sure."
Mickey quickly hopped to his feet, and boosting himself onto the counter, he waiting patiently for Dai to finish up before handing the goggle-headed leader a towel. After pulling on his pyjamas, Dai turned to the digimon and said, "You guys staying here to keep Mickey company?"
"Definitely," DemiEmbermon announced, beaming at his partner. "The hot water feels good."
"Just don't make a mess or my mother will blame me."
Mickey couldn't help laughing at the comical expression on Dai's face, and stripping off his own clothes, he proceeded to run a new bath with clean water. Lowering himself into the tub, he had to admit the water did indeed feel absolutely amazing, and opening the door a crack so he could slip through, Dai glanced back at him and said, "I'll get your stuff for you."
"Thank you, I appreciate it."
"One more thing..."
Huh?
Sitting back in the tub, Mickey turned his head so he could see the goggle-headed leader properly, and refusing to look away, Dai said seriously, "Remember, there is nothing you could do or say that would ever make any of us dislike you. No matter what, we'll always support you, and that includes Sam and Matty."
Mickey felt so overwhelmed, he wasn't even sure if he could put together some sort of coherent response, but despite the fact that his amber eyes were stinging with tears, he managed to whisper, "I would never forget something like that."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
Seemingly convinced, Dai nodded before ducking out of the room, and closing his eyes, Mickey allowed the warm steam billowing out of the tub to sooth his tired limbs. Whatever Sam and Matty were doing, he had to believe it was out of love for him, particularly in Sam's case.
I know Matty loves me, but what about you, Sam? How do you really feel about me?