It hadn't hurt.

Suzuki had been worried about that. Pain. He never liked feeling it. He could, of course, physically he was just as human as everyone else. Metaphysically he was practically a God but physically he was just…himself. The person who existed within this very fragile body. This body that was starting to break down. Aging. Now there was pain. Pain in his back, mostly, from being bent at that angle for so long. Practically in half, towards the end. So there had been pain but not in the way that he had been expecting. There had been some pain with Shiori, she was very enthusiastic when she needed to be, but there…with Tadashi…there had been none of it.

Whether that was due to his powers or the fact that Suzuki had been drunker than he'd been in years required further introspection.

He had been drunk, there had been no other way. He'd admitted his emotions, he'd kissed Tadashi, but to actually go through with what had to be done…well he'd been something of a coward. He had never been afraid of anything before…not much. Apprehensive was a better word. Yes, he had been apprehensive about having sex with Tadashi but it had needed to be done.

Now he could be certain.

He rolled over. Tadashi was there. His eyes were closed, his breathing was level, and his aura was at rest. Good. This was…he didn't know what this was. This feeling of warmth that he could feel welling up inside of himself. Somewhere between his stomach and liver, it felt like. Romantic love? That was usually centered a lot higher. It wasn't sexual desire. That had been sated thrice and anyway it always settled much lower. This was…an emotion which was accompanied by the desire to watch Tadashi sleep. Warmth…there was some warmth there…a pleasant sort of warmth.

Love?

He knew what love felt like. Love was one of the few emotions he allowed himself. He preferred the term 'caring' to 'love' but Shigeko had told him that in saying 'caring' was to the rest of the world as imprecise as the word 'love' was to him. So that was the word that he was going to use. When he looked at Tadashi he wanted to be near him…so that was what he did. He slid his way slowly across the bed until his head was pressed against Tadashi's. He should have been on his own side of the bed. He knew the best way to sleep, on his back with his hands folded, and he had always been so good at that. Before everything happened. Before Masami left and took any and all certainty with her. That was when this had happened, he realized, when she had left.

When she had left him.

The floor had been pulled out from under him the day she left. Metaphorically of course. It had been as though he had been living in one of the children's television shows. As if Masami had taken a saw and cut a hole in the floor as he stood. He had always wondered about scenes like those, why the characters never noticed the saws, though now he knew. They hadn't been expecting them. It was easy to see something coming if you were expecting it. Assassination attempts. Explosions. Mutinies. Those things he could deal with. Betrayal…abandonment…defiance…he had no idea what to do with those events. From his wife or from his daughter…or from himself. He had betrayed himself. He had allowed Masami to take his certainty from him. He had allowed himself to be delayed, to have set his destiny back by years, but now he was fixing this. Now he was mending the problem. He knew what he had to do. He had to get back his certainty.

In whatever way he could.

"Can you please go to sleep?" Said Tadashi. Suzuki hadn't even felt his aura stir. He froze. A fear response. One which he hadn't had any idea he had. One which he did not like at all.

"Thanks." Said Tadashi. Suzuki stayed frozen. He couldn't will himself to move. It had nothing to do with the fact that now he had no idea if Tadashi was asleep or awake and he had no idea which would have been better and which would have been worse. That he was so uncertain about the future…but this was supposed to give him more certainty. He wasn't supposed to question himself…and he had no reason to! He was Suzuki Touichirou, he was bisexual, and therefore there was nothing wrong having sex with another man.

There shouldn't have been any doubt.

He had slept with Fukuda Tadashi. That was an event which had occurred. Now it was over. Now he had a sore back and a general feeling of both stickiness and slickness which clung to him. Now he had certainty that….that he was uncertain. Shiori had told him to do this, to get himself sorted out, so that they could proceed with their relationship. Well he'd done his part and now they could get on with getting married and having children.

He still wanted that.

He still wanted her. He wanted to sit with her and hear about her day and the various annoyances within it. He wanted to make love to her in strange places even though it was murder on his back and joints. He wanted to hold her as they slept pushed together like puzzle pieces. He wanted to have children with her, sons and daughters, children that were half of him and half of her. He wanted to merge his life with her in all ways…and now he could…and they would. They would be together and…and she had an interest in being married to him…and it would last…

It would last as long as it would last.

His relationship, whatever it could have been called, with Tadashi had lasted for over three decades. That was longer than some of his associates and underlings had even been alive. That was long enough to have had a child, watched that child grow up, and then have watched that child have a child of it's own. That was…a lifetime. A lifetime of loyalty. He had assurance that Tadashi would never wake up one morning and decide to get a saw and cut the floor out from under him. Sure he could be annoying and even downright strange sometimes, even Suzuki knew not to say anything as unpleasant as 'I slept with your wife' at any point, but he was still Tadashi…the Tadashi that he had grown accustomed to…so maybe that was this emotion.

Maybe he'd simply grown accustomed to his face.

He did have a nice one. All soft angles, eve when he slept. He had a certain softness to his entire body. His face, his arms, his legs, everything. Suzuki could have rested his head on Tadashi's chest if he had been so inclined to. It would have been easy…if he had been asleep. Suzuki dared to move a centimeter, a single centimeter. Tadashi did not stir. His body told him, shouted at him, ordered him to put his head back down. To stay still. That he was going to wake Tadashi…but he was the boss here. His body did not rule him, he ruled his body, and he was not…he feared nothing. Not even what Tadashi would say to him when he woke up. After the third time, when the earth shook and pieces of the ceiling rained down upon them, Tadashi had declared that he couldn't do this anymore and then he'd laid down and gone to sleep. He had been exhausted…that must have been it. Not that it mattered, even, because Suzuki had set out to try something and he had and now he could be certain again…

He was certain he wanted to lay his head on Tadashi's chest.

So that was what he did. It alleviated this emotion that he had been feeling. This…it had been a need but not a sexual one. A need for human touch. A need that he had both hoped and assumed that he would have been done with by now. He hadn't felt this since…not even Masami. He had moved past this once he'd found Masami, once he'd realized that he was making himself look weak in her eyes. If he looked weak to himself then how must he have looked to her…and how much he have looked now?

Tadashi had is eyes closed.

He could see the rise and fall of his chest. Steady. His aura was barely perceptible as usual. Calm, it seemed, though closed in. Why? Suzuki didn't know. He didn't care. Tadashi was asleep, that was what mattered, and his emotional state was completely irrelevant. He had no idea what it even would have been. Well happiness, he'd imagined, since that had been truly amazing sex. He should have had pride in himself. Suzuki knew that if he had brought someone to the peak of pleasure thrice he would have been more than proud of himself. Tadashi was…he didn't know and he didn't care.

He just needed Tadashi to be there.

There. Uncertainty. He knew that he was feeling uncertain. He had no reason to be. Over thirty years had told him that Tadashi would have always been there. This was new, these events, though…though he had told Tadashi of his feelings and even let things get a bit heated. Tadashi would have left if he had wanted to, he'd had ample time, and now…and now things were just the way that had always been. He could have gotten up and left and things would have been the same. He had slept with Tadashi, mission accomplished, and now he could go to the next step. All he had to do was get up and see what had happened to his phone…and then call Shiori…and then they could be together and their lives could progress. He wanted to do that, to do all of that, but….but he couldn't.

That would have involved him getting out of this bed.

His head rested on Tadashi's chest. He could hear his heartbeat, it wanted to be heard, loudly and clearly. He wasn't certain of what it meant. Was it good or bad? What did Tadashi want? He…he didn't care. Tadashi would want what he told him to want. He didn't care if Tadashi wanted to be with him or if he wanted to leave or…or whatever else he could have come up with. He was the one in charge here. He was the one who decided how others felt. He knew what he wanted…he wanted to be certain and…and he was certain. He was certain that he wanted….that he wanted….

He was certain that he wanted a shower.

They were both tacky with sweat. They were both slick and sticky with several different bodily fluids. Saliva and sweat and….they both needed to bathe. His hair stuck to Tadashi's chest. It was getting long. Another reason to get up. He hated the way it felt when it got this long. He hated the way he felt right now. Physically. His back may have hurt but he was still perfectly able to get up. He just needed to lift his head…he just needed to go to the bathroom and shower. But then he would have to get dressed. Then after he got dressed he would have to get back to work. Then once he got back to work then…then Tadashi would get up to. Then he would do his own work. Then they would be one day removed from…from this. One day would turn to two and then to three and then to four and then…and then more time than he could count would pass.

He was certain that he didn't want that.

He was certain that he wanted to exist in this moment for as long as possible. Whatever this moment was. He knew that it was passing, nothing ever lasted forever, and he wished more than anything else that he could have reached out and held time in place. He could lift airplanes with his powers, jets, boats, maybe even buildings if he put his mind to it, but he couldn't stop time. It marched forward relentlessly and stopped for no man, not even Suzuki Touichirou. He had to move forward with it. He needed to move forward. He needed to progress. But instead of progressing he stagnated. Now. He needed to move now. He needed to get up right now.

What he needed and what he wanted were two different things.

He had done this, all of this, because he needed to move forwards. He needed to get back to work. He needed to move forwards because if he was stagnant then everything was stagnant. The world…the world was waiting for him….and he was waiting for himself. He was tired of waiting for himself. Maybe this was the certainty that he had been looking for. Maybe now he could…maybe now instead of focusing on what he wanted he needed to focus on what he needed.

He lifted his head.

Tadashi gasped.

"….yes?" asked Suzuki. He got the feeling that he was the one who needed to speak first. He was the one who had started this and…and it was best to keep these things in his favor. He was the one who had all the power. Not only here but everywhere. He was Suzuki Touichirou and he feared nothing. Not even…no, not even anything. There was nothing at all within the scope of human understanding that he could have even begun to fear!

"You woke me." Said Tadashi. That was…a fact which was true. Yes. He could agree to that.

"I am aware of this fact, yes." said Suzuki with a shake of his head. Not the best move. A bead of stale sweat, most likely a mixture of the two of theirs, fell from the crown of his head and hit Tadashi right on his throat. Right one his jugular. Right where Suzuki had been…well not biting. The thing that humans did when they mated, the show of trust, at least that was what he had always seen it as. One person offering their most vulnerable places up to another. Letting someone kiss and suck at your neck right above the jugular. Right where they could have bitten your throat out if they had so chosen to. If he had wanted to he could have bitten Tadashi…or kissed him….

"Why?" asked Tadashi, tucking his head down and breaking Suzuki from that train of thought. Maybe it had been sexual desire which kept him in this bed. Tadashi's powers did work passively if you were close enough to him. Never in his life had he been able to recover as quickly as he had with Tadashi. One after the other after the other…something he had always envied about women. The ability to have multiple orgasms. It made sense, then, why he wanted to stay with Tadashi. Because of how amazing the sex was, not the other reasons, the emotions that he caused. The very complicated, uncertain, and above all else private emotions that he brought about within the confines of Suzuki's body somewhere between his heart and his liver.

"Because…never you mind why." Said Suzuki. There was hurt, there, when he imagined Tadashi knowing how it was that he felt. This new uncertainty which was centered around if Tadashi was going to stay or go…and what it meant that Suzuki cared. He knew what he wanted. He wanted a life with Shiori and he wanted more children. That had been a certainty. He was certain that if he got through this with Fukuda then everything would become clear to him…but now he had just created more uncertainty…uncertainty that Tadashi was NEVER to know about.

"Alright." Said Tadashi simply. Suzuki nodded. He didn't suspect a thing. He could have floated off into the air. He stopped himself, of course, and tried to carry himself with the same dignity he normally did. It was a bit more of a challenge, being completely naked and tacky with sweat and various other fluids, not to mention the few centimeters of distance between himself and Tadashi, but he did his best.

"Good." Said Suzuki. He didn't know what to say next to he said nothing. He simply sat there, hovering above Tadashi, watching him in what little the windows were capable of providing at this house of the morning. He looked so soft in this light…soft and dare he think it…beautiful?

"So…can I go back to sleep now? Or did you want to go again?" asked Tadashi. There was something in his voice and something to his aura. It seemed, his aura at least, closed off. Like he was close, so close, but also like he was trying not to be…but that made no sense. Tadashi had just propositioned him. Tadashi had just initiated…he stayed put. He wanted to float off the bed but he didn't. He had to stay calm. This was…normal. The normal feeling, he imagined, a man got when another man propositioned him for what he knew was going to be up there in the top ten most amazing sexual encounters he;d ever had in his life.

"If you would be so kind." Said Suzuki. There. That was what this was, sexual desire, and nothing more. Sure it had happened but…but who was to say that it couldn't happen again. Yes, that was it. Shiori had given him permission to have sex with Tadashi, ordered him to, but she hadn't put a limit on how many times this could happen. So really he was within his right to do it again and again and again…it wasn't as though he was hurting anyone. Not himself. Not physically and not…and not emotionally. This was a good thing.

Of course it was. It didn't hurt.