Mob didn't really want to go to Busan.
She didn't think that Mukai did, either. She just really liked that movie, that was all, but Dad didn't know that. He would have known that if he had been around more. He kept on going back to Japan. She didn't know why they didn't all just move back to Japan and Dad could go off and do Dad things while the rest of them stayed home…well the closest place to home that they had. Home was in Sendai but they weren't allowed to ever go back there, Dad had said so. So maybe home was Tokyo, or even Osaka since Dad kept on going back there every few days. Maybe instead of moving and splitting up they could have just all gone to Osaka with him…or something. Mob didn't know.
She really didn't want to go anywhere.
But it was Sunday and on Sunday she and Dad spent time together…or at least that was how it used to be. He had been gone for a lot of Sundays. They were together now, though, and Mukai was here too. She was the one who picked the day and…and Mob was glad. She really was. She was glad that her little sister and her Dad were happy together…and that her family was mostly together…
The only thing that could have made this better was if Sho had been there…but it was better that he'd stayed home with Fukuda.
There was no way that he would have been happy here in this tiny train compartment with Dad and Mukai. Mukai had way too much energy and Dad…well he was Dad. Sho hated Dad and Dad…Dad didn't really like Sho all that much. Sho didn't like her that much anymore either…but Mukai liked everyone. She would have been happy if Sho had been here. Her happiness mattered.
She was still little enough that she could be happy.
"We're on a train! We're on a train right now!" said Mukai. She had been saying that for a while now, Mob was amazed that Dad hadn't gotten upset with her yet. He used to always get upset when Sho was loud, actually when they had both been loud. He had been a lot meaner when they had been little, or maybe she just remembered it that way.
Or maybe he just like Mukai better than he had ever liked her or Sho.
"Yes, we are currently on a train. Are there any other observations you'd like to make?" asked Dad. He was being nice. He talked weird sometimes but he was being nice to her right now. He was letting her sit in his lap and play with his eyebrows. When Mob had been little she had liked his eyebrows too, she had been little enough that she had thought that they had been funny looking, and he'd gotten really mad at her about it. Mom had said that Dad was really sensitive about them…but she had been wrong. Either wrong or lying. Moms could tell lies. So could Dads.
Dads could tell a lot of lies…lies that you wouldn't even have realized were even lies until you learned the truth.
"The train to Busan." Said Mukai
"What about it?" asked Dad
"This train! This train is the train to Busan! Over here!" said Mukai. She looked around like she was scared. Her aura, what little she had anyway, seemed like it might have been scared. She and Sho watched that movie a lot. Mob didn't know why. Mukai was Korean, technically, so maybe it reminded her of home? Mob didn't know how it worked. She couldn't remember being a baby but that had been a long time ago. Maye Mukai could remember. Maybe she wanted to go back to a place where she always understood what people were saying and people looked like her and….and…
She was more Japanese than Korean, really, so it would have made more sense to take her back to Japan…or maybe Mob was the one who wanted to go back to Japan.
"Exactly, we are on a train to Busan. We've established this. Do you have anything new to add?" asked Dad. He was still being nice…why was he being so nice? And why was Mob questioning it? She should have been happy. Dad hadn't liked Mukai at all when she had been born. He had given her up, even, and ignored her for the whole time that she'd been a baby. The only member of her family that she had even known had been Sho and…and Mob wasn't mad about that anymore. She wasn't mad that Sho had spent years sneaking around behind her back and she wasn't mad that Dad had given their Sunday to Mukai….that he hadn't even asked Mob what she wanted to do…
Mob wasn't even sure what she wanted to do.
Go back to Japan, maybe? She didn't know why, it wasn't like going home would have helped anything. She still would have had that alone feeling inside of her. Even when she was around people the feeling still stuck around, maybe because her best friend was mad at her and her brother didn't like her anymore and her Dad had replaced her…or something. Mukai felt like her replacement sometimes…like now. Dad had asked Mukai what she wanted to do and her alone, and he never asked Mob to spend time with him anymore, and he never even hugged her or…or anything. He hugged Hatori more than he hugged her…but that was good, right? He wasn't smothering her and he liked Mukai…Mob should have been happy.
She hadn't been happy in a long time.
"I don't like math!" said Mukai. Dad was trying to talk to her like she was a big kid. She was still so little. She wasn't really sure about things yet. Mob could remembering being as little as Mukai was now. She had thought that hotdogs were made of dog meat, that teachers lived at the school, and that Mom and Dad had loved each other. She had also thought that Sho came in a basket that a bird left on their front steps, too. She had been little back then. Little enough to think all kinds of things…
Little enough to think that Mom and Dad had loved her.
"No, not math…though you may change your mind when you get older. I happen to enjoy math and I assume that your mother, your biological mother, enjoyed it as well." Said Dad. Mukai made her confused face, it was the same one Dad made. She hadn't gotten that from her mom. Mob didn't know if she had gotten anything from her mom…
Mob couldn't even remember Mukai's real mom.
"Mukai's real mom?" asked Mob. Were they finally talking about her? Mukai had never asked questions but that was because she thought, she probably thought, that she had come out of Tsuchiya's stomach. She didn't even know where babies came from yet…Mob hoped that nobody told her. She had no reason to know. The less she knew the better. Mob knew…she knew firsthand….and she hoped that Mukai never found out. Not until she was ready to try and have a baby, it wasn't worth it otherwise. No, there was no reason to tell Mukai where babies came from…and there really wasn't any reason to tell Mukai that Tsuchiya wasn't her real mom. That she had a real mom out there somewhere who had left her…who didn't want to be her mom…
Mukai didn't need that kind of pain in her life. She was still little. She had her life to feel pain.
"Mama's at home! She's at home and Shibata's at home! Right now." Said Mukai. She pointed out the window in the direction that Mob figured Mukai thought home was in. She was probably wrong but Mob didn't want to correct her.
"I was referring to your biological mother…do I suppose that you have no idea who I'm referring to." Said Dad
"No idea." Said Mukai
"I don't think that she remembers. I don't even remember." Said Mob. They needed to stop talking about this. It wasn't like Mukai even remembered….right? Or maybe she did. Maybe that was why her favorite kinds of scary movies were the Korean ones. Maybe that was why, too, she kept on saying about the train to Busan…maybe she really did want to go back. Mob wasn't sure, she didn't know how little kids worked, and she hadn't had any reason to know. It wasn't like she was going to be anyone's mom anytime soon….it wasn't like Shoko was going to be born anytime soon. It wasn't like she was even on her way to growing.
"Well, you have no reason to remember now do you?" asked Dad. He was being mean, there, she could tell. She had known him long enough to tell when he was being mean and…and he didn't need to be mean to her. She had just asked him a question…but he did have a point. She had no reason to ask about Mukai's real mom. She didn't even know where her mom was so what was she doing asking about other people's moms?
"I guess not…" said Mob
"No reason! No reason!" said Mukai. She bounced up and down and hit the window with her hand. Dad let her. Dad let her be loud and…and he let her take up space. That was it, the word for it. What he had never let her do. Even now he was telling her to shut up, to disappear. Why? Sure she had no real reason to ask about Mukai's real mom but…but she could still talk to her own dad if she wanted to.
"Do you think that Mukai remembers?" asked Mob partially because she was honestly curious and partially because she just…she wanted to talk to Dad. She'd spent the whole trip on her phone looking at stuff. Funny cat pictures, clothes she wanted to buy, what Minori was up to…they weren't friends anymore but it was nice to know that she was happy. She didn't want to spend the whole time as her own island, she didn't want to be Mob island, she wanted to be a part of Suzuki island or on the Suzuki archipelago or….or whatever! She just wanted to be a part of her own family, why was that so much to ask!?
"I have no idea what she does and does not remember. Though I assume that she has some connection to Busan since she's been asking, incessantly, to go." Said Dad. Still mean…what was he being mean to her for? She had just asked…well if he was going to be mean then she was going to be nice. That way it all balanced out and maybe then….maybe then he would have been able to remember that he loved her and that she was his daughter too and that this was her Sunday, too, and not just Mukai's.
"I think it's just because of the movie." Said Mob
"No, if it had been because of the film then she would have asked to watch the film. She is perfectly capable of asking for that…and anyway stop questioning me. I know my own Daughter." Said Dad. Mob knew that Mukai was his daughter, she looked like him and she came from him, but hearing him call her that…it was weird. He used to call her that, and he used to call Sho Son, back before he knew their names. Now she was Shigeko and Sho was Sho. She had wanted that for so long and now she had it and…and that meant that it made no sense to feel weirdly sad that he had called Mukai that.
She was his daughter too, after all.
"Daughter?" asked Mukai. She looked up at him. Mob didn't know if Mukai was just repeating the word because she didn't hear it that often or if she…if she thought that Dad had been calling her. Mob hoped that…she didn't know what she hoped…or maybe she knew what she was hoping and didn't want to think about it. Mukai was her sister, Mukai was Dad's daughter too, and she loved Mukai very much.
She should have been worried about Mukai losing her name like Mob had…not jealous that Mukai got to lose her name like Mob had back when she had been that little.
"Yes. You are my Daughter, Daughter, and I am your Father. Can you say Father?" asked Dad
"Father." Said Mukai. She wasn't…no. She was just doing what he had asked her. Father was a weird thing to call Dad, anyway, weirder than Caterpillars.
"Thank you, Daughter." Said Dad. Mob controlled her powers, she had to, she was on a train. If she lost control then the train would get derailed and everyone would die. She had to keep everything under control…but it was hard, it was really hard, especially with how Dad had just called Mukai….that was…Mob turned and faced the corner. Tsuchiya didn't like it when Mukai saw Mob doing things like this…and also this was a 'no smoking' train and vaping counted as smoking. The walls were made of glass and someone could have seen her…someone other than her sister…but she really needed this right now.
It didn't help.
"You're welcome, Caterpillars." Said Mukai. Mob wanted to laugh…so maybe the pen had helped a little bit. Mukai didn't get it. She didn't know what a dad even was. Well of course not. She hadn't had one for most of her life. Dad hadn't wanted to be her Dad and…and Mob shouldn't have been thinking like this. She shouldn't have been thinking anything at all. She hit her pen one more time…and then another…and another. It didn't matter. Dad wasn't even paying attention to her. He had Mukai now.
"We…will get somewhere with this eventually. How about Dad? Can you call me Dad?" asked Dad. He pointed to himself. Mukai looked at his hand and then poked it with hers.
"Caterpillars." Said Mukai. She didn't get it…and Dad…she knew him. Mukai still didn't know him, she hadn't lived with him for long enough to know him, but Mob did. She knew her Dad and she knew how he looked when he got frustrated. She was…she was too little to see Dad frustrated. So Mob was going to have to stop in. She just…she had to do something. Dad wanted to be called Dad but he wasn't Mukai's Dad, not in her head, he hadn't been around for long enough…but he had been around long enough to be Mob's Dad.
Long enough for Mob to call him 'Dad'.
"Dad…Daddy?" asked Mob. Dad liked it when she called him tat. Minori had taught her that trick. Dads liked to remember when their daughters were little. No parent wanted their kid to grow up but dads especially didn't like it. Mob didn't care if Shoko called her 'mother' or 'mom' or 'mommy' or mama'. Anything was better than 'Caterpillars'. Dad probably didn't like it because, like Mom had said all of those years ago, Dad was very sensitive about his eyebrows. Maybe he would feel better now that she had reminded him that he had two daughters, not just one.
"Yes, Daughter can you call me-" said Dad. He…he was looking at Mukai…and he had called her Daughter! That was…Mob was calm. She was calm and she just…Dad didn't get it. He was just as clueless about things as she was. That was where she had gotten it from. She just had to…to clear this up with him…that was all…
"No, I was calling you Daddy." Said Mob
"Why? Don't you think that you're a bit old for that?" asked Dad. Mob….she hadn't been expecting that. She had been expecting Dad to have at least been nice to her or…or something. Not for him to snap at her or…or to call her old. She wasn't old, not yet, she wasn't even thirteen yet.
"I'm only twelve." Said Mob
"You're nearly thirteen…and you act much older." Said Dad. Mob didn't think…she didn't see how that was a problem. She was supposed to act older. She was the Vice President of Claw and she had to run their whole household. She couldn't have done that if she had acted like-like Mukai!
"I'm three!" said Mukai as she held up three fingers.
"I'm still twelve." Said Mob. She wasn't three, she wasn't going to act like a three year old. She was twelve and….and she just…she was still his kid!
"That's too old. You aren't a child anymore, don't act like it." Said Dad
"But….I'm your child. I'm your daughter." Said Mob
"Yes. I am aware of that fact. I have two daughters. I can count." Said Dad. Mean…he was being mean again…why did he have to be so mean to her? She hadn't done anything to him and…and he had said that he was going to work on being nicer to her. Was this nicer? Maybe…maybe he was just in a bad mood or…or maybe he just didn't get it. Maybe he was just frustrated, he got frustrated when he didn't understand things. So….so maybe she just needed to explain how she felt. Dad liked having things explained to him…yeah…this would work.
"Me too! One, two, three!" said Mukai, she held up all the fingers on both hands.
"I know that you can count but it just…it feels like I don't count. It feels like you don't…you used to like me more. You used to always want to spend time with me and…and we used to be friends. We used to watch kendo and play Minecraft and go places together. I just…it feels like you don't love me anymore." Said Mob
"Of course I still love you." Said Dad
"But it doesn't feel like. It feels like…it feels like you love Mukai more." Said Mob softly. Mukai was little and cute and…and everyone loved her. Anyone who didn't love Mukai had something very wrong with them, actually. She was happy that Dad loved Mukai…she just wanted Dad to love her more…and that was the most selfish thought that Mob had ever had in her entire twelve years and nine months of being alive.
"Well of course I do. She's three, you're thirteen…twelve. She's a child and you're a woman. Her company is more enjoyable, I can understand her better, and she doesn't cause me nearly the level of headache that you do." Said Dad
"I…I give you headaches?" asked Mob. Minegishi had said that, too, that Mob gave them a headache…but…but that was just from Xanax withdrawal, Shimazaki had said. It had nothing to do with her…or maybe it did. If Dad was saying it too. Tsuchiya had started teaching her about common denominators and right now the only common denominator was Mob herself…she was the most common denominator…and she didn't want to be.
"Yes. All the time. Your…well there are many things that you do that I find questionable. You know my opinion on your hair, makeup, and clothing as well as my opinion on your drug use. I am also not entirely fond of the men you choose to have in your life but you're a woman now and you can run your own life. Even into the ground, as you have so clearly chosen to do." Said Dad
"You…you don't like me because I'm not a little kid anymore? Because I wear nice clothes and makeup and…and color my hair and…and like boys?" asked Mob. She couldn't help…a lot of those things. What? Did Dad want her to go back to wearing costumes all the time and playing with dolls and…and stuff? Because she didn't want to! She wanted…she just…she couldn't help it! She just…why did people have to get mad at her for growing up? Minegishi was mad that she had done all things and wanted a baby like adults did…Fukuda was mad at her for having a boyfriend like adults did….and now Dad was mad at her for being an adult too. Why? She wasn't Mukai, she wasn't three, and she hadn't been for a while…why did people have to just….she wasn't the girl from Peter Pan and this wasn't Neverland! She was going to grow up and…and…and it just wasn't fair!
Conceal, don't feel.
"You have told me before never to give you my opinion on your appearance so I won't. You also know how I feel about the men in your life. You…you have clearly replaced me and that's fine, it's nature's way. You've clearly reached puberty and it's only natural to pull away from your parent and assert your independence. The ultimate goal, the biological prerogative, is for you to one day have a daughter of your own. Then the cycle will continue and you will know the pain that you cause me every moment of every day. Is this in any way unclear to you?" asked Dad. Mob nodded. Conceal, don't feel…it hadn't worked out for Elsa but maybe it would for her…she just…she couldn't cry. She couldn't lose control and she couldn't cry….not here and not now….
"No Dad…I get it…" said Mob. She wiped her eyes…and wound up with a black smudge on the back of her hand. She…she was wearing makeup and Dad hated it. She could see her reflection in the window. She had red hair and Dad had hated it. She…she was herself and Dad hated it…which meant that maybe he was starting to hate her….
Like he hated Sho.
"Good. I'm glad that we understand each other." Said Dad. Mob nodded. She understood. She was Sho now. She was…she had always known how Sho was treated but now…now she knew and…and she had let it happen. She should have done more to stop Dad when he'd liked her, when she'd had a chance. But she hadn't and now…now this was just the way that it was for her now and…and she was still thinking of herself. She should have been thinking about how bad things were for Sho or…or how happy she should have been for Mukai since she had a Dad who loved her now….or maybe she should have been thinking about what she was supposed to do for Dad's birthday or…or something. Anything other than herself…
She was so selfish.
No wonder Dad didn't like her anymore. She was selfish. She should have just stayed the person that Dad had wanted her to be…but she would have been…she liked the way she looked. She liked her hair and her makeup and her clothes. She liked to drink and smoke and do coke, too, they made her happy. It wasn't even about her powers anymore, that was just a lie she told herself, she did those things because they made her feel good and…and feeling good was selfish…so maybe she just couldn't escape being selfish. She didn't know…she didn't know and there was nobody that she could ask…
Who was she supposed to ask? Who liked her here? Mukai?
"Caterpillars?" asked Mukai as she tugged on Dad's tie. Mob…Mob was happy for her, that she had a Dad who loved her and…and she just…she turned to face the corner again. Mukai didn't need to see her like this.
"Yes, Daughter?" asked Dad. Mob took her pen out of her bag. She didn't care if this was a no smoking train. She just…she just needed to…she just wanted to feel good again. She was selfish, very selfish, so this…this was just a little more selfishness piled onto the selfishness that was her and…and that was…
A lot of things.
"Scary? Scary…train. Is this the scary train? Or the train?" asked Mukai
"There is nothing to be afraid of. I know that train travel can be frightening, it is very loud after all, but I will protect you. It's my job as your father to protect you, and also my pleasure. I love and care for you. Remember that." Said Dad. Mob didn't want to hear any more of this. She didn't even want to be here. Sunday was for Dad and Daughter and Mukai…she was Daughter now. Mob was just Mob…she was just Shigeko…and she wanted to go home. She didn't even know where home was anymore, they had moved around so much, but…but she knew where she didn't want to be.
Here. She didn't want to be here on this train to Busan. But she had no choice.