Mob really didn't need help making dinner.
She had been cooking for her family since she had been about ten. Maybe nine, she couldn't remember. She didn't know when she had made the first meal for her family but she knew that she had been so little that she had to stand on a chair to see over the stove. She was tall enough to use the stove, now, and old enough that she knew how to make more than omelets and curry. She knew how to make rice stew, fried chicken, pork miso soup, and mashed potatoes with chestnuts in them. She knew that it was a lot of food, especially with Dad away, but Sho had been eating a lot lately and Mukai could eat a lot too…
And Shimazaki. She couldn't forget Shimazaki.
"The miso soup is too watery…I think." Said Mob. Shimazaki picked up a spoon and dipped it in. She hadn't know that the knew how to cook. Really cook. She had seen him make waffles and bacon and stovetop pudding before but that didn't count as cooking. She didn't think that he could actually cook, not being able to see, though she was glad that she hadn't said anything.
That would have been mean.
He swirled the spoon in the soup and frowned. There was a lot of touching things when he cooked. He picked things up for weight and poked them with forks and stirred them with spoons. Mob could have just looked and told him what he needed to know but she wasn't sure if it was ok to say that. The last thing she wanted to do was to make someone else mad at her. She had made almost all of her friends mad at her….well they were all either mad or busy. Shimazaki was neither mad nor busy, though, and he was even happy to spend time with her…
Of course he was. He liked her. He was her boyfriend. It wasn't that bad.
"Mob, you're right. More miso paste." Said Shimazaki. He held out his hand. He couldn't tell what was what unless he touched it and smelled it. Mob's job was to hand him things. He had come over saying that he had wanted to help her make dinner. Really it had turned into her helping him. She had never even known that he knew how to cook like this….it was nice.
It was nice having help. Even if it was Shimazaki.
"Here you go." Said Mob. He took the miso and the spoon from her and put in another spoonful…and then another. That was too much miso. Too thick was just as bad as too thin. She used her powers to get a cup of water ready. He reached out his hand again.
She put the cup of water in his hand before he even asked.
"Our mental synchronization can have but one explanation." Laughed Shimazaki as he put the cup down. It took Mob a second to realize what he had meant.
"Um….you and I were just meant to be?" asked Mob
"Damn right we are." Said Shimazaki. He pulled her close and kissed her. She let him. It wasn't that bad, not really, it could even be kind of nice if she forgot who it was that she was kissing. Her best friend's boyfriend…who was also her boyfriend. She would have thought that Minegishi would have been mad at her but they weren't. They were mad at her because she wanted to have Shoko….which was a weird thing to be mad about. Mob having a baby didn't affect them at all. Mob kissing their boyfriend should have made them mad. This was…well it would have been cheating if Minegishi hadn't said that he could…but it was still kind of weird…
Or maybe Mob was just the weird one.
This was what everyone wanted, right? To have a boyfriend. She knew that she had always wanted a boyfriend. She had always pictured someone else….but the person she had imagined this with didn't like her so…so at least she had someone. At least she had someone who was nice to her. Shimazaki never told her to leave. He had never once done anything mean to her. He was nice…which was a lot more than she could say for a lot of people she knew. Sho was mean to her and Minegishi was mean to her and Dad was mean and….and Fukuda was mean but she should have been used to that by now. Shimazaki was at least nice to her.
This was weird but…but weird wasn't as bad as mean. She could live with weird.
"Thanks for doing this with me." Said Shimazaki as he broke apart from her.
"You're welcome but you don't have to thank me for kissing you. I'm your girlfriend, that's part of being someone's girlfriend, you kiss them." Said Mob
"No, not for that…well thanks for that, by the way, but that's not what I mean. Thanks for letting me help you. You're usually so busy and…just thanks for making time for me." Said Shimazaki. Mob didn't know if this counted as making time for him. He had just shown up with food and asked if she needed help making dinner. She hadn't even been planning on making a real dinner since Sho always had dinner with Fukuda and Mukai always had dinner with Shibata and Tsuchiya and Dad was away….but it was still nice. Having someone around. Having someone who thought of her.
It was nice having someone around who didn't yell at her.
"Um….you're welcome. You wanted to help me and I didn't…well I didn't have anyone else to hang out with and…and I like hanging out with you, I guess." Said Mob
"I like hanging out with you too. Hey! You know what was should do? I bet Toshi's going to be done with their bath soon and-" said Shimazaki
"No! I mean…I mean I don't want you to invite Minegishi." Said Mob
"You sure? Toshi loves miso. I mean everyone loves miso but Toshi actually is kind of a connoisseur. They actually taught me how to make it. I used to make it from the packets, and they were all 'Ryou, what the fuck is this' and then they showed me how to actually make it." Said Shimazaki
"Minegishi can come if they want but….but I don't think that they're going to want to come over for dinner. They're mad at me." Said Mob
"Mad? Full on mad? Mob, what the hell?" asked Shimazaki
"I-I'm sorry." said Mob
"Is this about me? I'm trying to give you both equal attention, I really am, but it's just kind of hard with Toshi being so weirded out and you being so busy. Hard to coordinate shit, you know?" said Shimazaki
"No, it's not about you. It's about me." Said Mob
"No, I'm pretty sure it's about me. I asked Toshi a million times and they said that their line with this was sleeping with you, which is a line I won't cross, I mean unless you ask me to. It's kind of not fair to you, you know. I mean if you want to then what am I supposed to say? 'Mob, go fuck some other idiot, Toshi won't let me'? How is that fair to either of us?" asked Shimazaki
"It…it doesn't sound fair…but it's not about that. Minegishi is just mad at me because….um…do you remember when I told you about how I….um…they're just upset at me because I want to have Shoko." Said Mob
"That's the name you picked out for your kid, right? That's not, like, one of Sho's hamsters or anything, right?" asked Shimazaki
"No…that's what I want to call my daughter. If I have a boy then I want to call him Shigeo." Said Mob. Shimazaki laughed. She didn't know what was so funny about that. Shigeo was a nice name. it meant…well she wasn't sure what it meant. Mom and Dad had said, before, that when a parent named their baby they picked a name that matched what they wanted for their baby to be. She was Shigeko, which meant nurturing child, because they wanted her to be nurturing and to stay a child forever. Sho's name was written with the character for leader because Dad had wanted him to be a leader.
She loved her little brother so her daughter would be Shoko. She was Shigeko and her son would have come from her so he would have been called Shigeo. It made perfect sense. She didn't see what was so funny about that.
"Sorry, sorry, it's just…you're Shigeko and you want to name your son Shigeo….it's hilarious." Said Shimazaki
"I don't see what's so funny about that." Said Mob
"It's just not that creative. It'd be like if I wanted to name my daughter Ryoko and my son Ryoji…actually, you know what? I think that's actually kind of a good idea. That way I could tell that they were my kids." Said Shimazaki. She didn't know if that would have worked, since other people had those names. It was like how just because another person was named Suzuki it didn't mean that she was related to that particular Suzuki. She didn't think it would have been any easier if people had her same first name or one like hers. She got the feeling that Shimazaki hadn't thought that one through but…well that was normal for him.
He never thought things through.
"Are you high right now?" asked Mob. That would have explained a lot of things. She got weird when she got too high too. She needed to stop…or at least slow down. This counted as a break, right? She couldn't smoke and cook at the same time. Shimazaki wouldn't have been able to smell what was cooking and it would have been rude. She would smoke later…an hour wasn't that short of a break. No, an hour could have been a very long time. She took a four to six hour break every night when she slept.
"When aren't I high?" asked Shimazaki
"When you sleep? I mean you can't smoke in your sleep so…so you aren't high in your sleep. I mean…um…do you know what I mean?" asked Mob. His hand was in her hair, now, one of them. The other was stirring the stew. She kind of wanted to tell him that he should have stirred with both hands but that wouldn't have made sense since he only had the one spoon. It wasn't so bad, so weird, it was just her hair…she could live with this.
"No, I can't get to sleep unless I smoke." Said Shimazaki, his hand still playing with her hair. She hadn't braided it today. She had been too tired too. She was glad that she hadn't, he would have really messed her hair up if he had tried to run his hand through her braid. It wasn't that mad, he was kind of combing out the tangles with his fingers. It was kind of nice, it saved her work later.
"Me too…well I can but I don't sleep as well." Said Mob as he worked the tangles out of her hair. He was closer to her neck, now, and…it was ok. Sometimes his fingers made it all the way through her hair and found skin. It was weird, sort of like a…shudder? Or a shock? Or something. Something that ran from her neck to her spine to her toes and back up again.
"I don't sleep well at the best of times. Day and night don't really mean much to me and Toshi's been tossing and turning like crazy. I think they're fighting with themselves about something or…I don't know. They won't talk to me." Said Shimazaki. He took his hand from her hair. She took it back put it back behind herself. A lot of the knots were gone now. She hadn't even realized how many there had been.
"You're lucky. All they've been doing lately is yelling at me…and I don't know why. Me having a baby won't affect them at all. I think that they just don't like babies." Said Mob
"They don't. They really don't…but Toshi can feel whatever they want to feel. I know we're not having kids and…and I'm alright with that. I don't know why they don't want you to have kids. You're right, it's not like they're going to have to feed it and change it and burp it and….and pick it up and hold it and sing to it…and teach it things…" said Shimazaki. He took a step away and leaned against the counter. His aura got close to his skin, his barrier was up. He didn't make a barrier like she did. She sort of made a bubble around herself. He turned his aura into a second skin. It protected him but it hurt to the touch…she didn't touch him…
Even though he really looked like he needed a hug.
"Are you ok?" asked Mob
"No, but I should be. I mean Toshi's the one with the baby factory inside of them, I just supply the raw materials, so I don't get a say and…and anyway I have Sho and Mukai so it's like…why do I even care? You know?" asked Shimazaki. That didn't seem like it was the right question for him to be asking her. The real question was 'why did Minegishi care' so much? Nobody was making them have a baby. Mob could have taken care of her baby all on her own. She knew that if she had a baby she wasn't going to have a husband or boyfriend to help her…not that boys were really that much of a help. That wasn't their job. Sho, Shibata, and Shimazaki were good at taking care of babies but this was Claw and Claw was weird. Dad had been very clear. The girl was the one who took care of the babies. Mob knew that she could have done it all on her own. She wouldn't have asked Minegishi for help…or anyone. She could take care of her own baby…and…..Minegishi didn't get a say in whether or not she had one!
"I think that…I mean….I think that…it's ok for you to care. I think that it's ok to want to have someone who has to love you no matter what. If you can tale care of your baby then why not have one? You get someone who loves you and you can love right back. What's wrong with that?" asked Mob
"Exactly! It's like…when you have a kid you can have, like, a little friend. Someone who loves you no matter what and someone who you can love-" said Shimazaki
"Someone who you can take care of and someone who can take care of you, too, like when you're sad and stuff." Said Mob
"Exactly." Said Shimazaki. He put his barrier down, she was glad. She didn't like it when he did that. If he needed someone to keep him safe then she could have been that person…and he had nothing that he needed to be kept safe from. He was her boyfriend. She may not have been crazy about their relationship but Mob…well she was still going to do her best. Like Dad had always said, Suzuki's didn't fail.
"Our…our mental synchronization can have but one explanation." Said Mob as Shimazaki took her hand in his. She looked over at the food…nothing needed attention…so this was ok. He traced his thumb over the too of her hand. It was….it was ok. It could have been worse. He wasn't tongue stabbing her, which was nice, and…and he wasn't going to kick her out, either. He wasn't going to do all the things and then fall asleep and then wake up and…and tell her that he didn't like her after…after all….
He wasn't like that. This was weird but…but at least it didn't hurt.
"You and I were just meant to be." Said Shimazaki before he kissed the top of her hand. That was…that was ok. Better than if he'd actually kissed her.
"Do you…do you really think so?" asked Mob as he let go of her hand. The top of her hand felt wet. She wiped it off on her shirt. She didn't know if they were meant to be. She didn't even know what 'meant to be' even meant. Mom and Dad had been married but then Mom had run away. She had thought that she and Teru had been meant to be, too, since they kept on running into each other…but this was real life. The only reason they had kept running into each other was because Claw had been after him and she was the Vice President of Claw. Maybe nobody was meant to be. Maybe there wasn't anything to it, true love, and maybe people just…maybe she just…maybe she should have just enjoyed what she had.
It could have been worse….a lot worse.
"That we're meant to be? Why the hell not? I'm into you, you're into me, we have fun together…what more can a guy ask for? I mean, ok. Toshi is still my number one but…it's complicated. Me and Toshi…it's not that I don't like you-" said Shimazaki
"I don't mind that you like Minegishi better! I really don't." said Mob. It wasn't' so bad being his girlfriend but...but she didn't want to be Minegishi. She didn't want what they had with him. She liked spending time with him but she didn't want to do all the things. It didn't feel good. It felt slimy and…and unless you were going to have a baby then what was the point? She didn't want to have a baby with Shimazaki…actually she didn't know who she wanted to have a baby with. She didn't know anyone she would have wanted to do all the things with. In one of her games if you wanted your character to have a baby all you had to do was call the stork and it brought you one. She wished that there really had been storks that brought babies. Maybe she could have gone to an orphanage…but she wanted her own baby…and it was hard to find an esper baby.
There was no way that Dad would have loved his grandchild if it wasn't an esper.
She loved her Dad…even if he was kind of mean to her now….and he didn't love her like she loved him…but she wanted Dad to love Shoko. Shigeo and Shoko. She wanted….she just wanted the kind of life that Dad had always dreamed of. He had always told her, over and over again, back when she'd been little that he was going to be there when she had her baby and that he was going to help her take care of it…
Maybe if she had a baby, an esper baby, then Dad would have loved her again.
"I know you don't. I don't know what I was…you're not like that. I just don't want to fuck this up, you know? You and Toshi are pretty much the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You know? I love….I like you a lot and I love them and it's…I don't know. Shit's complicated." Said Shimazaki. He ran his hand through his hair. He seemed so…so sad…and so lost. That was the feeling she got from him, like he was looking for something, but he didn't know what it was. She didn't know either but whatever he needed help with of course she would help him.
She was his girlfriend. That was her job.
"Do you need help? With anything? I mean if something's complicated I can help you fix it." Said Mob He smiled and ran a hand through her hair.
"It's nothing that you could help me with. You just…you're great and you just being here is great. I fucking love…I like you a lot, you know? But I love Toshi. Toshi and I…it's hard for me to fall in love. You know? People like to use me or fuck me over or just get sick of my but Toshi….Toshi's not like other people. I love them but it's like…it's like I want more than they want to give and…and it's like….we have a lifetime out in front of us and there's so much that we can do but Toshi just wants to stay home and read. You know?" asked Shimazaki
"I…don't know. I mean Minegishi's always liked reading more than anything else so it makes sense that that's what they'd want to do." Said Mob
"Yeah…yeah. Toshi isn't being anyone other than Toshi. I know them. I've always known them and it doesn't make any sense, you know? Me trying to make them into someone they aren't. I mean…I don't know. Just because I changed doesn't mean that they have to change. Maybe I'm being unfair…I know that I'm being unfair." Said Shimazaki
"I..I don't know if you're being unfair or not. I think that it's unfair to try and make someone change but it's also unfair to get mad at someone for changing. My Dad…he's mad at me for changing, for getting older. It's like he wants me to be Mukai's age…but I'm not. I can't help not being three anymore, I can't stop time." Said Mob
"That's just how a lot of Dad's are. It's like 'ok, I like fucking…but now my daughter's old enough to fuck…but I can't fuck my daughter so nobody can!' or something like that. I don't know. I don't know any of my kids." Said Shimazaki
"I…don't think that it works like that…because he's my Dad. I think he's just weird but not weird like that…." Said Mob. That…did not sound right. At least for Dad. Fukuda maybe. He was always thinking about her doing things with people and looking at her….gross. Fukuda may not have been her Dad but he was still someone she had known for her whole life…was that just how boys were when they grew up? Did everyone just grow up to be…to be gross?
"Well what do I know? I don't have any kids…and fuck your dad, you know? You're a great person and he shouldn't give you shit just because you're not three anymore. You're a great person and he should be happy that his weird ass made someone as amazing as you." Said Shimazaki
"I….I don't think that I'm that amazing. I'm just…me. I mean I keep on messing up and…and I don't know. It's like everything I say and do is wrong. I hurt Dad by growing up and I hurt Sho by being your girlfriend-" said Mob
"Hey, no. That is not your fault. Sho can feel however he wants. That doesn't mean that I have to feel the same way, ok? You like me, I like you, and that's enough. He'll get over it." Said Shimazaki
"But…but I still hurt him. I don't know. I don't know how to…I mean…it's like everything I do is wrong." Said Mob. Shimazaki put his arm around her and pulled her close. She didn't stop him. She didn't mind. At least he liked having her around. At least she didn't hurt him just by being near him.
"You didn't do shit, Mob, so stop beating yourself up…I mean…I don't know. You care about people, I love that about you. I love a lot of shit about you. I just…you know, Mob? You're just…you take a lot of shit from people and…and you're always doing shit to people. I love that about you…um…yeah." Said Shimazaki
"Thank you." Said Mob
"But, yeah, Toshi is…Toshi is Toshi. I love them. Even if they are afraid to be human." Said Shimazaki
"No, they're afraid to be hungry." Said Mob
"That too, but mostly they're afraid to be human." Said Shimazaki
"I don't get it." Said Mob. How could someone be afraid to be human? What else could a person possibly be? If there had been a way to become a cat then….then she would have seriously considered it…no, she liked being a human being.
"It's like…they're afraid of their feelings. They're afraid to be vulnerable, to be needy, to let people in. They're just so fucking terrified of feeling anything at all that they just…it's like they can't live unless they put up walls and just…there shouldn't be walls between us, you know?" asked Shimazaki
"But…but you're afraid of your feelings too. You said that when you start to think bad thoughts you push them away. You're scared to be sad." Said Mob
"No, I'm not scared to be sad, being sad is just boring." Said Shimazaki
"You're scared to be bored too." Said Mob
"I am...you know what….I am. I'm just as afraid of my own feelings as Toshi is…maybe that's why we go so good together…God, I wish I was more like you. You're not afraid of anything. I have never once seen you scared. You just…you feel what you want to feel and you do what you have to do and you just…you never run away. I love…I like that about you…I love that about you…I…am so fucking afraid." Said Shimazaki. His voice shook, there, and his aura…his aura was weird. Sad. She hadn't seen him this sad in so long and…and she didn't like this. None of her friends should have been this sad…she hated it when people were sad around her…but she had no idea what she could do. Her friends…wait, no, they were more than friends…
She knew what she had to do.
"You don't have to be afraid Ryou, I'm here." Said Mob. She held his hand and kissed him. Not for long, and not in the tongue stabby way. She didn't even give him time to kiss her back. She didn't want him to kiss her back. This wasn't that kind of kiss. This was just…something that she could do to make him feel better. She was his girlfriend and this was what she had to do.
She didn't mind. It could have been worse.
"Whoa…that was…you never initiate." Said Shimazaki as she pulled away. She took a step back in case he wanted to kiss again. That had been….well not that weird. Not as weird as it could have been…and he felt better too. At least she assumed that he did. He was smiling and…and that was good….but that kiss had been a lie. That hadn't been an 'I love you' kiss and he thought that it was….
She was a liar.
"I-I'm sorry." said Mob. She shouldn't have lied to him like that. She didn't want to be a liar…but he had been so sad and she had been there.
"No, no, don't be. You….you're amazing, Mob, you know that? And…I should do something for you." Said Shimazaki. He put his hand right on her leg, right above her knee, and…and that….that was…a thing that was happening…
"Wh-what do you mean?" asked Mob. She knew what he meant. She knew and…and she didn't know if this was what she wanted. If this was something that she could have done. This was more than kissing and…and she had already done all the things…well not all the things, just the main thing and…and she didn't know if she could….that was way more than kissing! She just…didn't know….
"Whatever you want me to mean." Said Shimazaki, his hand running up the inside of her leg. She could feel her heart beating in her ears. She could feel her lungs trying to burst from her chest. She just…she couldn't…this was…she didn't know. She really didn't know. This was…his hand felt nice and…and this was supposed to feel nice and…
"Fuck! Sorry!" said Shimazaki. He went right over to the stew and started stirring it. Mob could smell it…burning. It was starting to burn and…and she needed to make dinner. That was what they had been doing, that was what he had come over to do, and…and that was what she was going to do. Not…not that. She just…she didn't know…she had never done that. She had done all the things…well not all the things...
She had never done that before.
That was what she had wanted to do with Teru all the way back…she didn't want to think about it. She just wanted…dinner. She didn't know what else she wanted but he wanted dinner. She was hungry. She was very hungry. She was hungry and she needed dinner right now. She walked over and stirred the miso soup. She didn't think that it needed stirring but…but she needed something to do. Something to take her mind off of…of what she had wanted….what she shouldn't have wanted to do. She was his girlfriend and that was what you did when you were a girlfriend….but also it was wrong. Doing things like that…that was why Fukuda didn't like her…that was why Dad was mad at her…because all everyone could think about was her doing things with people. She just…was there even….why did everyone care so much?!
It wasn't like she was doing anything.
But maybe…if everyone already thought that she was doing stuff like that then…then why not? There was no way she could convince people that she wasn't doing stuff like this and…and it was supposed to feel good and…and he liked her. He was always nice to her. No matter what she did he had always been her friend and…and he was more than her friend. She didn't feel the same way about him but why did that matter? She was done with liking people. It just hurt….and at least Shimazaki would never have done anything to hurt her or even…even been mean to her….she didn't now.
She didn't want to think about this. She wanted to make dinner. She didn't need help but…but it didn't hurt, either.