Shigeko's birthday was by far the worst day of the year.

"Did we pray for long enough yet?" asked Ritsu. He had been standing there for what felt like hours. He didn't know why they couldn't just pray at the shrine at home like they did every single day in May. Mom and Dad always made him come to this shrine on Shigeko's birthday. He didn't know why. Did this make their prayers more special or something?

If it did then why did they always have to spend so long here?

"Ritsu! We're done when we're done. Now you close your eyes and put those hands back together!" said Mom

"Yes, Mom." Said Ritsu. He did as she asked. He put his hands back together and closed his eyes. She didn't say anything about praying so he didn't do any more of that. He just didn't see the point. He had been praying every day at least once a day for a month. He didn't even know what they were praying for. It wasn't like the Gods were going to bring his sister back to life or anything like that.

He knew, he'd been asking for years now.

Ever since he had been old enough to pray, for as long as he could remember, he had prayed for his sister to come back to life. Originally it had been so that she had never died but that hadn't ever worked out so he changed it up when he was about six. For as long as he could remember he had been an only child…and he hadn't liked it. He had been lonely when he'd been a kid, lonely in a way that playing with Tsubomi couldn't fix. She had her own house and her only family to go home to.

She had never understood.

He had tried to tell her, before, that it was hard when she wasn't around. That he didn't have anyone to play with. That it felt like someone had just left the room, like they were going to be coming back any second, but they never came. There had been this big, lonely, hole in the house that Shigeko left behind when she died. Just this big empty space that he had never been able to fill. No matter what he did Mom and Dad…they spent more time missing someone who was dead than they spent with someone who was alive.

At least that was how he felt back then.

He'd been kind of a selfish kid. He hadn't wanted Shigeko to come back to life so that she could be alive again, no, he had wanted her to come back to life so he could have had someone to play with. He wanted her back to he would have been allowed to finally see what was in her room, Mom and Dad had locked it up when he had been a baby. He wanted Shigeko back so that his family could be complete again. So that Mom and Dad wouldn't be sad all the time. So that they could get rid of that scary shrine. It attracted ghosts. Nobody had believed him, Mom and Dad weren't espers, but Ritsu knew what he had seen.

Plenty of ghosts, but none of them Shigeko.

He had asked them, the dead, so many times if they had been his sister when they had been alive. He had asked them so many times if they knew where his sister was. He had asked them so many times if they knew if there was a way for him to get her back. Even as a ghost haunting their house, messing with their stuff, and scaring him in the middle of the night having her back would have been great. Better than having her gone…and maybe Mom and Dad would have believed him about the ghosts. They never had, of course, and Ritsu had been left to deal with them for years and years.

Eventually they went away. The only time praying had ever worked.

"….be alright….be happy….be safe…" muttered Dad. Ritsu risked opening his eyes again. Dad was crying a little. That evened it out. Mom had cried on the way there, Dad had cried during the prayers, and that was both of his parents. Usually Ritsu did his part by crying in the car. When he had been really little he used to cry for Shigeko. When he had been four he had spent the whole year praying at Shigeko's shrine every chance he got for her to come back. He had been dumb enough to think that if he prayed enough then it would come true.

It hadn't.

After they'd rang the bells and clapped and everything, and Ritsu said the biggest prayer he'd ever said in his life, he'd opened his eyes and expected his sister to be there. He had thought that she would have just appeared right next to him and then everyone would have been happy and everything would have gone the way it was supposed to go. Ritsu hadn't been very smart back then. If his sister had come back to life by magic or something then his parents would have freaked out, not been happy, but also prayers didn't work at all so he had been wasting his breath…and later on his tears. He had cried the whole ride home, Mom and Dad taking turns driving so one of them could try and make him feel better. It hadn't worked. He hadn't stopped crying until he'd gotten home and gone to his room.

He'd drawn a picture of what he'd felt. It had helped.

He wondered if that picture was still in Shigeko's room. He had slid it under the door. He had done a lot of drawings back then, before anyone had taught him to write. He hadn't started writing in his notebooks until he'd been five and people figured out that he wasn't too dumb to learn actual kanji. He'd written Shigeko a note the next year asking her to please come home and he'd slipped it under her door. Still nothing. So he tried again when he was six. Then he just asked that she come back to life. He had figured that she was happier where she was. Mom and Dad said that she was up in heaven. In heaven there weren't any bedtimes, shots, scary dogs that barked at you, annoying music that stores played way too loud, girls who tried to kiss you, splinters, pork feet, and mean cousins who chased you around and threw volleyballs at you. Of course she would have wanted to stay up there for as long as she could.

No matter how selfish she was.

Ritsu felt that way, sometimes, even though you weren't supposed to feel that way about the dead. You were supposed to pay them reverence and respect, and a sippy cup full of milk every few days. You weren't supposed to get mad at your sister for dying. It hadn't even been her fault. Mom and Dad said that she had been born with a condition, fought it her whole life, and then died when she was two. She hadn't gotten a say in what happened to her. She hadn't planned on getting sick. She hadn't planned on leaving him behind. She hadn't planned on breaking their family up…it had just happened. It had just been one of those terrible things that happened to you. People died every single day and it was everyone's turn eventually. Shigeko had just gone way too soon and…and there was nothing that he or anyone else could do about it.

They couldn't even pray.

"Mommy loves you, Daddy loves you, Ritsu loves…oh for the love of God…" muttered Mom. Ritsu risked a glance at her. She kept her eyes closed but she was making a face like she was sucking on a lemon. That meant that she was really mad. Ritsu could tell why, someone had walked up to the temple with a speaker going. Music, annoying music…well it was all annoying, but this was particularly annoying. It was that music that sounded more like someone was torturing a computer to death than anything else. Ritsu pressed his hands together and closed his eyes.

The music stopped.

"Sorry." said Ritsu softly. Not the guy who's speaker he broke, no that guy could go lick the bottom of his shoe. He apologized to Shigeko. She was a spirit and this, well every shrine, was her home. Spirits just kind of hung out. There were some he could see, some he could only sense, and some that had passed on. Shigeko may have passed on…or she may have just been a neutral spirit. She may have become one of those grey, transparent, spirits that he could see if he stared at for long enough. They didn't notice him, look at him, or say anything. They just kind of hung around. Sometimes they walked up and down the street, sometimes they read books over people's shoulders, sometimes they rode the bus, and sometimes they just stood there. Ritsu had no idea if they were happy or sad or…or what. He just knew that he hoped…that he hoped that Shigeko was one of them and not an evil spirit…or one that had passed on. He just hoped that she was out there watching over him like Mom and Dad had always said….

Sometimes was watching him.

He opened his eyes. He could feel it, another esper. He felt around with his aura…but his range wasn't good…but someone was definitely there. He shouldn't have used his powers…but he had been ok for months…but still. He should have been more careful. Now he was going to have to fight and probably hit the kidnapper or whatever so hard he lost his memory. Hard enough to crack his skull. It wasn't hard, Teru did it all the time. People were jerks in middle school and Teru had already been kind of a jerk so of course he became a bigger jerk. Jerk or not he wished Teru had been there. At least if Teru had been there then Ritsu could have had an easier time slipping away from Mom and Dad.

On his own Ritsu didn't have a chance.

"You stay put, Ritsu, we're not done here." Said Mom

"But I'm done praying." Said Ritsu

"Then stand there quietly and wait for Dad and I to be done, alright? I don't want you running around the shrine. You're nearly twelve, that's too big to be playing here." Said Mom

"Hana, he's got a lot of pent up energy-" said Dad

"Then he can run around the yard when we get home, Ichi. Come on, I need you to be on the same page with this." said Mom

"I am…sorry, Ritsu, just stay here a little longer until your Mom and I are done, alright? Then maybe when we get home we can invite Teru and Tsubomi over and then you kids can have a living room campout. How's that sound." Asked Dad. Mom shook her head.

"Not Tsubomi. Kokomi doesn't want her sleeping over anymore." Said Mom

"Is it because of the pickle smell? I'm sorry about the jar, ok? I'll clean under the fridge when I get home." Said Ichimaro

"No, no, she's got this idea in her head that Ritsu…we'll talk about this later. We're here to pay our respects to the Gods and Shigeko…so both of you get back to it." Said Mom. Ritsu put his hands back together. There was no arguing with Mom and Dad sometimes. Teru was so lucky, sure his parents were cowards and jerks but at least he got to live with Reigen. Reigen didn't have nearly as many rules as Mom and Dad did, Teru got to come and go as he pleased. Ritsu wished….well no, actually, he didn't wish to trade places with Teru. As annoying as they could be he still loved his Mom and Dad. He was already an only child, he didn't feel like becoming an orphan too.

He kept his eyes opened.

He looked with his eyes and his aura…he couldn't see anyone in red. That was what they wore at the base, red uniforms, well the people he'd seen. The Scars didn't have a uniform according to the esper stuff he'd been reading. They were the lowest level of the upper echelon…the aura felt familiar…but not one of the Awakened's. That was…he knew that aura….

There.

In a break in the trees he could see red. Orange red, not take over the world red. He saw red and…and a green coat. Ritus's heart stopped. That was…he knew who that was. He tried to take a step forward but Mom grabbed him. She held him in place…but he had to go! Sho was there and…and he wasn't looking at Ritsu anymore. He was looking down…had he done something? The feeling was back, the alone feeling that he'd been pushing away for his entire life. He waited and watched. Any minute now Sho was going to disappear into the trees and Ritsu was going to be alone.

Totally and completely alone.

Ritsu had never felt more stuck in his life than he had at that moment. Why did he have to be here praying for someone who was already dead when the person he loved most was right there? At least he thought that he loved Sho. He knew that he really, really, really LIKED him and not just for the kissing parts. Love was supposed to be different. When you loved someone you thought about them all the time, which he did, and you did stuff for them. Like save them from being kidnapped and brainwashed. Sho was the bravest person he had ever met, he was defying the entire organization for him, and he…he was just…

His eyes were a really cool color.

They were blue the kind of clear blue that he could get lost in. His hair was cool too, Ritsu had never seen red hair in real life before. Also his freckles were really cute…he was really cute…but it was about more than that. Sho wasn't boring, he wasn't annoying, and he was on Ritsu's side. He was doing so much for Ritsu…like right now. He must have been in a lot of danger right now, coming to see Ritsu out in the open like this.

That is if he was even here for Ritsu.

Last time he had come to see Ritsu his timing had been off and he'd wound up spending the day with Teru. That had been terrible for everyone. Maybe he was here to beat Teru up for sleeping with his sister and bragging about it…so much bragging. Ritsu hoped that when he got older and he started doing stuff he didn't end up having nothing better to do than to talk about it over and over and over again. Not that Ritsu was planning on doing stuff anytime soon…and not that he even wanted to be thinking about stuff when he was standing between his parents in the middle of a shrine praying to the Gods to keep his Big Sister safe in the afterlife or whatever. This was…this was not the place to think about…about stuff…

Stupid brain.

He closed his eyes. Maybe he was hallucinating…and maybe he would stop if he didn't look at what he thought was Sho. Maybe if he closed his eyes and pretended to pray then Mom and Dad would finally decide that they were done and they could go home. He didn't want to think about…or maybe…well it didn't matter what he did and did not want to think about because this was not the place to think about kissing Sho or any of the other stuff that Teru had bragged about…and it was probably different stuff anyway since Teru only liked girls or so he said. Ritsu new how Teru looked at him and other guys sometimes…and Teru was kind of…Ritsu was going crazy. His brain hated him and he was losing his mind. That probably wasn't even Sho over there. That was probably just a hallucination or a mirage or maybe one of those spirits who lured you away so they could steal your life force or-

-or maybe Sho was really there.

Something hit him between the eyes and went down the front of his hoodie. Ritsu opened his eyes and fished it out as best as he could without Mom and Dad noticing. It was a paper crane. On the side someone had written 'read this' in hiragana. He opened it as quietly as he could….more hiragana. Scratchy handwriting, messed up stroke order too. It didn't matter as much as it did with kanji and…and why in the hell was he getting picky over Sho's handwriting? This was a note from….from his boyfriend…he kind of wanted to get a treasure box like Tsubomi had for the notes she kept from boys. This was…well obviously he was meant to read it…which meant that he had to remember how to read.

He was glad that this was in hiragana. Kanji would have been way too much right now.

'Leave your window unlocked and go to bed early tonight. Don't bring that blond guy. -Suzuki Sho' said the message. Sho was coming to see him…he felt like he could walk on air…he was walking on air. He forced his feet back down to the ground and kept them there. This was…he had to…he had to calm down. This wasn't happening until later…which meant that his and Teru's sleepover schedule would be messed up but that didn't matter. Teru was just his fake boyfriend. Sho was his real boyfriend and he was here…

He was gone.

"Ritsu, what did I say?" asked Mom. Ritsu had been about to take a step forwards, about to go and find Sho and…and he wasn't sure what would have come after that. It didn't matter. Mom had stopped him. He shoved the note into his pocket and stood where he was supposed to stand. The last thing he needed was Mom and Dad getting suspicious…or pissed off.

"Hana, come on. He's just a little boy." Said Dad softly

"Sorry Mom." said Ritsu. He did his best to sound sorry as his eyes searched the trees for Sho. Someone with red hair shouldn't have been able to blend in so well. There wasn't a lot of space he could have been hiding in, the trees were part of the meditation garden…Ritsu could still kind of feel him. If not for mom and Dad then he could have gone to him…but the last thing he needed was his parents asking who Sho was and how Ritsu knew him.

They could never know about that. There was no way they'd be able to handle it.

"Hana, maybe we should go. Ritsu's getting restless…we're all getting restless." Said Dad

"Ichi…alright. I suppose that it's been…it's been long enough. We'll go home and then you can invite Teru over-" said Mom

"He's busy, he has soccer today." Said Ritsu. He should have been worried, maybe, at how easy it was to lie to Mom and Dad. Maybe that made him a bad person or something. Shigeko wouldn't have told lies like that. She was…she had been…she had been two. He had never met a two year old before, aside from Sho's sister, but he knew that they didn't even talk much…and anyway everyone lied. She wouldn't have been any better of a person than he was now if she hadn't died.

"On a Saturday?" asked Mom

"He wants to play for the World Cup someday. That takes practice." Said Ritsu

"We'll just have to have a family night, then, just the three of us. We can pop some popcorn and watch a movie…it'll be nice." Said Mom, her voice broke at the end. Dad put an arm around her. Now both of his parents were crying. Ritsu knew that he should have been crying too, his sister was dead and there were very few things in the world sadder than that, but right now…right now it was hard. He was going to see Sho again.

It felt like his birthday even though it wasn't.

It was Shigkeo's birthday and he shouldn't have been feeling this way…but he couldn't help it. She was gone and…and it was kind of sad. She was never going to know what it felt like to have someone who liked her…she was neve going to be able to hang out with her friends…she was never going to have Mom and Dad cover her eyes when the bad parts of movies came on…it was sad…but he wasn't sad.

Shigeko would have been thirteen now, he'd been coming to this shrine every single year for the past eleven years. He was all out of sadness.