Fukuda could say with complete and total certainty that he did not have feelings for Suzuki.
It was not mutual.
"Mind if I join you?" asked Fukuda. He didn't wait for an answer. He just sat down on the bed next to Suzuki. He was working on something, legitimately working. Fukuda could tell. He had that look. That semi-annoyed, semi-frustrated, semi-bored look. Sort of like his usual look, honestly, but more intense. There were some differences, they were just hard to spot unless you knew what you were looking for. Unless you knew Suzuki.
Nobody knew Suzuki like he knew Suzuki.
That was…a thing. A good thing, a bad thing, a thing. A thing that he was going to use to his advantage….even though he really didn't want to. But he had to. His whole life was one have-to after another after another. He had to be friends with Suzuki since he was the only other person like him that he'd ever met. He had to go along with this because it was better to be with Suzuki than against him. He had to sleep with him because he was figuring some stuff out. He had to do it again because Suzuki had this crazy idea in his head about having more kids with some woman who didn't even know him. If she had known him then she would have known how bad of an idea it was.
Suzuki didn't need another kid to neglect.
So Fukuda did what he had to do. He sat down beside Suzuki, way too close, and leaned onto him. The reaction was immediate. He stiffened, his eyes went wide, and he forced his aura to be still. He was so easy to read once you got to know him. He wore his heart right there on his sleeve. For a man who prided himself on being above it all, emotions and the messiness that came with them, he sure did let his heart and other parts of him rule his decision making.
Like now.
"I…can't protest now…now that you're here." Said Suzuki as Tadashi leaned against him. He had no idea what this was about. It wasn't as thought he was injured in any way. If Tadashi wanted to check on someone then he should have checked on Hatori. He was the one who had taken the worst of it. Maybe Hatori needed to be checked on right now. He was so like a child, he couldn't be left to his own devices. Maybe it would have been best if Suzuki got up right now.
Tadashi wouldn't let him.
There was a hand on his thigh, now, his upper thigh. Not his inner upper thigh…and he shouldn't have wanted it to travel there in the first place. He swallowed. He knew…he thought he knew how he felt about Tadashi. He was the second or third best sexual partner Suzuki had ever had the pleasure of sharing a bed with. Tied only with Masami…or maybe he needed his own list since he was a man and the experience had been so different with him. Not better just….different. Surrendering to another person…being penetrated….the experience was like nothing he'd ever felt before…so Tadashi was getting his own list then. A list which he was going to be at the top of, of course, since there weren't any other men Suzuki was interested in…and he shouldn't have even been interested in Tadashi.
He had made his choice and he had chosen Shiori…so he really needed to kick Tadashi out of his bed…unless he was completely misreading the situation.
"Do you want to?" asked Fukuda as he rested his hand on Suzuki's upper thigh. He had a thing about being touched. Hardly anyone ever touched him, sexually or otherwise. Being touched always threw him off kilter. Being touched even a little was enough to throw him out of his depth and that was exactly what Fukuda needed right now. He needed Suzuki to question himself, to question everything, and to come to the answer Fukuda needed.
The answer he needed, not the answer he wanted. He never could have wanted this.
"To…?" asked Suzuki. The room was much too warm. He turned the air conditioner up with his powers…and broke the knob. That was….not something he had to worry about now. He didn't have the space in his mind to worry about anything other than the way Tadashi was touching him now. This was…he knew what this meant…or at least he thought that he did. This, if it had been from a woman, would have clearly been an invitation. He would have clarified, of course, that it was a sexual advance but he couldn't see how this could have been an innocent gesture from a woman. Men….he had no idea the sorts of things that happened between men, courtship signals.
He had just come out and asked Tadashi to sleep with him.
Well, more like ordered….it had gotten the job done. No signals, nothing that could have been misinterpreted. Just him, drunk, telling Tadashi that they were going to do what they had been thinking about doing for years. Then they had. Then it had been amazing. Then it had been amazing again and again and again until it was over and Suzuki had made his choice. They had both made their choice. The sexual aspect of their relationship was over. It had to be. He was with Shiori and Tadashi…the thought of him with anyone else, male or female, makes Suzuki was to kill someone…Tadashi had his own life. And prostitutes.
So maybe this wasn't sexual, then, since if it had been…well Tadashi had money, was incredibly beautiful, and was an amazing lover on top of all of that.
"Do you want to kick me out?" asked Fukuda
"I…I don't know….I don't even know why you're here." Said Suzuki
"To be with you, why else?" asked Fukuda. He let his hand move from Suzuki's inner thigh to his upper inner thigh and….yup. That was all it took.
"Why….why do you want to be with me? We've spent the majority of our day together already." Said Suzuki. He took a deep breath, he thought about the most irrelevant things that could come to mind, he even did the old trick where he clenched his thigh muscles. Nothing could detract from the feeling of
"Yeah, but Hatori was there. I wanted to be with you…alone." Said Fukuda. He held eye contact with Suzuki while he said that. Suzuki was bright red, and his eyes were wide. His pupils were so big it was hard to see the blue of his eyes…kind of a pity. He really did have amazing eyes. It was a shame that they were attached to the rest of him.
"Why?" asked Suzuki, his voice coming out higher than it had in decades. This was…Tadashi's hand was moving even higher….and even closer….he knew he had to close his legs. He wanted to spread them. He took a third option and just sat there perfectly still. This….he knew what this was…but he also didn't. He and Tadashi had already come to agreement. This part was over now. The sexual aspect of their relationship was in the past and…and it was best to leave the past in the past. Suzuki had thought about it, of course, but…but he would have thought that Tadashi would have been done with him…with this…and he must have been….
Otherwise things were about to get very complicated
"You know why." Said Fukuda. He moved his hand higher and more inwards. Inwards enough to make Suzuki shudder and gasp. Good. He wasn't going to kill Fukuda for this. Good. Nobody else could have gotten away with this, nobody aside from that woman, that is. Really this was for his own good. He could be remarkably stupid sometimes. He had weaknesses just like everyone else but he was too arrogant to admit them let alone guard against them. Well then that was fine, that was what Fukuda was for. If he had to put himself on the line for Suzuki's own good, which was really everyone's own good, then fine.
This was for Suzuki….and his kids, of course. If he had another then he had no reason to kept Sho around anymore and as for Mukai…well he'd abandoned her once, it wasn't as thought he was incapable of doing it again.
"I…I don't." said Suzuki. Tadashi was playing with his top button, now, just above his zipper…just above…he needed to…he needed to push Tadashi out of bed. He needed to asked Tadashi if he'd lost his mind. There was no other way to take this. Either Tadashi was coming onto him sexually or he'd lost his mind…he didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know…he didn't know if he wanted to lean into his touch or close his legs…
He wanted Shiori.
He wanted Shiori to tell him what to do. She hadn't considered it a form of adultery before…but that had been months ago. She had said that it was alright when he was doing it because….because he'd been figuring things out…and now he had figured things out. He just wanted…he just wanted to be with her. He just wanted to marry her. He just wanted…he wanted to have another child. That was something that he and Tadashi would never be able to do…
But it would have been good….convenient…if they could.
"I think you do." Said Fukuda. He pressed his palm right up against Suzuki. He gasped and leaned forwards…and then back. He scooted back until his back was against the headboard. That was…if he had been angry then he would have kicked Fukuda out. If he hadn't wanted this then he would have kicked Fukuda out, and probably his ass too while he was at it. Suzuki wanted this.
He just didn't want to acknowledge it…probably because of HER.
"I..I…we agreed-" said Suzuki
"You agreed. I never agreed to anything." Said Fukuda. He hadn't. Suzuki had just declared one day that they two of them would be having sex and now here they were…but it wasn't all bad. At least now he finally had something on Suzuki….even if it meant that he was going to have to….he'd live.
"Yes…you did. We agreed that this was over." Said Suzuki. Why was he…he knew that this was over. As much as they both wanted this he knew that Tadashi knew that…that it was over. Nothing could ever change that. They'd had their chance for this but that chance had ended and…and he must have been wrong. He could have been completely wrong about all of this. He did have a habit of misreading the atmosphere.
"No, you said that it was over." Said Fukuda. There was emphasis on the 'you', emphasis that he knew was lost on Suzuki. He was still staring up at him just as wide eyed as ever.
"Well….yes…but you agreed! You know why I can't…why I can't even want to. Shiori-" said Suzuki. He choked on his words. Shiori was his and he was hers and this…this was it. This was what he had always wanted. She was what he had always wanted in a woman. A woman who understood him, a woman who he could share every aspect of his life with, a woman who would give him a son. That was the most important part. She could give him a second chance at a son, a second chance at a life. She was his future and Tadashi…
He was the past.
He had always been there and…and where had this been during their formative years? If they had realized their feeling for one another when they had been young then the idea of bisexuality would have been one that was available to him earlier and then he would have known who he was and then he wouldn't have felt like an entire aspect of himself had been hidden from him for nearly fifty years. The idea that there could have been a part of him hidden away…of his actual self and being…it wasn't a good feeling…and he could have avoided it if Tadashi had just figured himself out sooner.
He had to leave the past in the past…as much as it pained him…and it did pain him.
"Is she here? I don't see her." said Fukuda. So now Suzuki cared about cheating? Not when he had been out creating a whole other human being with a woman who hadn't known a thing about him, a woman who had been just as stupid as he was. Suzuki had been out cheating on Masami and they had been married for years. This Shiori was just some woman who had gotten her hooks into him. How Suzuki could have possibly been so stupid…no, no, he needed to…to use this stupidity. To his advantage.
"You know for a fact that she is not here. That doesn't change the fact that she…I can't do this to her. You've never been married. You've never loved anyone-" said Suzuki. Tadashi just didn't understand. Sometimes you had to make these sorts of choices. Sometimes you had to be practical. Your romantic life was…just another aspect of your life. One where you had to make sure to act in your own best interests…and it was in his own best interests to continue on with his life in the way that he wanted…to stay the course…
"I've loved someone before." Said Fukuda lowly. Suzuki had no idea what he was talking about…he forced his aura to stay calm. He forced himself to stay calm. He needed…he needed to think. To focus. Masami…she was gone. She was gone and he was never going to see her again, not until this was all well and truly over. Not until Claw was finished and Suzuki was stopped. Not until…not until everything was over with. Then he'd find her, then they could be together like he had always wanted…that they had always wanted. He knew her. It must have been torture, having been on her own for this long. Away from her children. When this was all over then he could find her and he…he would confess. He would tell her everything…nearly everything. He would beg for her forgiveness after he told her about Shigeko…but that was where he would leave it. There was no need to tell her about this.
Nobody could ever know.
Masami could never know about…about the lengths he was willing to go for her. For Sho. For the good of the world. He didn't want this. He was completely straight. He had no desire to take Suzuki to bed with him. Not romantically or sexually. Masami wouldn't have seen it that way. He couldn't see any way that she would be able to look at him if she even one moment of what had passed between him and Suzuki. He thought about Masami, he always thought about her. He thought about how one day he would be with her again, that they would make up, that they would take Sho off to some place where they could all start over again. That they could be a little family. That they could be a less than little family. A kid of his own…in a world that was safe….the thought was enough to carry him through this.
Through all that he had to do.
"Oh…well then you know that once you find someone who you love and love in return that it is not in your best interests to pursue other people sexually or romantically. When you find a woman, any woman, who can stand your presence for even a second you hold onto her and never let her go. Those were your exact words, you said them to me decades ago but I still remember." Said Suzuki
"Why did I teach you that?" muttered Fukuda as he went back to Suzuki's top button. He popped the top button of his pants and went to his zipper. He liked having control stripped away from him. Fukuda had managed to piece that together when Suzuki asked, well ordered, him to strip is clothes off and hold him down. Plus the whole penetration thing….focus. Focus.
"What?" asked Suzuki as he felt…that was…this was not alright. This was…he wanted this. Tadashi was so close and…and he wasn't ready. He had done nothing to get ready and he didn't even have…well Tadashi probably had…he had probably planned everything out and that included helping Suzuki-
He pushed Tadashi back.
He showed more restraint than he should have. He couldn't let Tadashi do any of this. He couldn't let Tadashi hold him down and flip him over….undress him…hold him down…none of that could ever happen again. Nothing else could ever…he would again know what it felt like to have Tadashi inside of him again. He had no idea how he could go on without feeling Tadashi on top of him…around him….the feel of his body under his hands. Around him. Against him…the way he felt against his thighs…
Tadashi was getting closer.
"Why are you being like this. You want this, I want this, we're finally alone…." Said Fukuda as he crawled over to Suzuki's end of the bed. He wanted this, it was obvious, and this…well he was more into this than Fukuda was. There was no desire of any kind on Fukuda's part…mostly. Sex was sex, at the end of the day, and it had been a while…this was for Suzuki, not him. He…he had to do what he had to do.
"We…we are alone…." Said Suzuki. Tadashi was getting closer…he was so close and….and Suzuki wanted…he wanted….he had no idea what he wanted. He had every idea what he wanted. Tadashi…he knew what he wanted…..
"And we both want this." said Fukuda
"We…we do both want this…" said Suzuki. He wanted…he knew what he wanted…and he knew what he needed. He needed…he needed to put space between them. But there was no space between them. He could see nothing else but Tadashi. He was so close…Suzuki could feel hi hand on the side of his face. He was so warm….he smelled so good. His aftershave…the coconut oil in his hair…a scent that could be described only as Tadashi….he wanted…he wanted….
He wanted this.
He leaned forwards…Tadashi closed the gap between them. Suzuki couldn't breathe. Tadashi's lips covered his, their mouths crashed together….God…yes. Yes…one word that rang through his skill. Yes. This was…this was everything. Tadashi was everything. Suzuki felt like he had lost control…but in a good way. His body acted on it's own. His hands ran their way across Tadashi back and around his neck. His nails dug into his skin. His tongue fought with his. This was perfection…he'd just brushed his teeth….it was…this was heaven and perfection. This was the world. The world was the two of them and-
-and a loud chime.
"Forget it." Said Fukuda as Suzuki pulled away from him. That had been his phone…he had forgotten to take it out of his pocket. Well that was fine. He wasn't expecting anything important. Not like this. There was nothing in the world more important than this. He leaned in and tried to kiss Suzuki again…he was rebuffed.
"Tadashi! I….I…I have a wife! A girlfriend…a fiancée…Shiori! I have Shiori and she…I…I think that you should leave now. Right now." Said Suzuki. He pushed Tadashi back but not off the bed…not through the wall. Just…just there. He kissed…he had…he needed to apologize. He needed to…to call her and beg her forgiveness. How could he have….how could he have done that. Wanted that?!
What was the matter with him?
"I'll….I guess I misread the atmosphere. Sorry, I'll just leave now." Said Fukuda. He lived to fight another day. Another opportunity would come…one where he would remember to leave his phone behind. Right now…well that was done with. Now he had to do damage control. If Suzuki said nothing then it was nothing, one of those things they agreed to never speak of again. If that was something that he would bring up then…well then he would just say that he loved Suzuki…too far.
Too far.
Suzuki…had feelings for him….but he wouldn't touch those feelings. Not now. Not unless he absolutely had to. Sexual desire…he could deal with sexual desire. Sex was sex, a hole was a hole, but a heart was something else. Suzuki didn't deal well with love…with all of that…and Fukuda didn't know if he could deal with that. No. Right now…right now he had to stick to what he knew. He had to do damage control and plan his next move. He had…a lot to do….but first he had to see what was so important that-
-what?
'I fed Meow-Meow.' And then a string of emojis. A messaged that had been forwarded…from Serizawa, and then Shigeko, and then Sho….Fukuda knew that this couldn't have been anything good. He took a deep breath and typed out a quick 'thank you'. Sho had been so excited to feed the Cat, they'd cooked meals together. Well not together, he had cooked and Sho had supervised. Sho…he shot off another text. Not to Sho. He'd just tell Fukuda whatever he wanted to hear. Not to Shigeko, either, there was no need to bother her on her birthday…or ever. Serizawa on the other hand had no reason to lie to him. There was nothing between them, too, no bad blood at all…his relationship with Shigeko was bizarre but so was everything else with her. He waited…oh.
Damn it, Sho.
"The Seventh Division…what the hell?" muttered Fukuda. That was…the last place that he should have been. The Seventh Division in Seasoning City…where Sho's boyfriend was. Shigeko's brother. Fukuda wondered why God hated him. Probably something to do with the adultery, the pack of gum he'd stolen when he was ten, or all the various crimes he had been an accessory to. Sho….like father, like son. When it came to love they were both so…stay calm. Right. He just…he needed to regroup. He needed to regroup, replan, and just…just end this.
By any means necessary.