(A/N: Holy smokes! I had to split a ginormous chapter into two, but this second part is still ginormous. And incredibly emotional. I'll be honest, it was a bit soul-sucking to write it. Thank god for Julee Cruise's magnificent voice that gave me the perfect ambience for this chapter. Anyways, it's long, so feel free to skip parts. All of you reading this has probably read To Hear Her Voice In The Silence, so you know it gets a little hot and heavy by the end ;) I tried not to make it too smutty and putting more thoughts into Regina's feelings. Not sure how well I succeeded, but oh well. Enjoy!)
When Friday came, though, a problem arose. Emma sent out a 'distress' signal. Her faithful little Bug couldn't brave the chunk of snow that had fallen during the night. Not even with snow chains would it be possible. She sent a long block of text explaining that she would have to take the bus, but that would delay her a little. She continued by adding that she hoped that was okay.
Regina could have handled a bit of delay. But what she couldn't handle, was the walking distance between the busstop and Zelena's place. It was cold today, and Emma would surely end up freezing before arriving. Regina didn't have to consider it.
'I can pick you up from work', she texted.
'Seriously? Oh my god, that would be amazing!'
Regina suffocated a smile. Emma acted like she had offered her the moon and not a simple ride from work. 'I can also drive you home afterwards.'
'No way! I can take the bus. It's no problem.'
'And strangely enough, it's not a problem for me to drive you home either. Imagine that.'
'I know, but the weather is supposed to be really bad. I don't want you to be out in dangerous weather.'
'You are very sweet, but really, Emma, it's absolutely no problem.'
'Really, Regina, the thought of you driving around in bad weather would give me massive anxiety. You can drive me to the busstop if you want, but not all the way home. The busses drives all the time.'
'Alright then. I'll take you the busstop', Regina texted. And felt tempted to add that she would wait at the busstop with Emma until the bus arrived.
Their compromise was agreed upon. At least Regina officially agreed. She had already decided that she would be driving Emma all the way home if she discovered that the bus was late, or the temperature had dropped further. There was no way she would let Emma freeze at a cold busstop when it would be the easiest thing in the world to drive her home.
With that decided, Regina continued the preparation for the dinner. She was looking forward to the date with Emma. Hopefully, there would be more kisses. She had yearned for Emma's kisses all week.
Later that day, Regina found herself standing outside Dragon Publishing. She was lightly leaning against the car and had turned her face skywards once the snow had started falling. There was something special about snow. And there was only one thing that could distract her from the falling snowflakes. The sound of snow being crunched under a boot was her first indicator that someone was approaching. Regina turned her gaze away from the sky and looked to Emma instead. Emma who was grinning broadly as she was coming towards her.
Emma who was in a hurry. So much she suddenly slipped on what Regina suspected was a patch of hidden ice. Emma exclaimed and flailed her arms.
Regina reacted quickly. Ten years of motherhood had taught her exactly how to prevent someone from falling over, and now she could exercise that skill on Emma. She reached out and grabbed Emma by her upper arms, steadying her. Preventing her from falling on her face.
"Thanks," Emma said and grimaced a little. "That was embarrassing."
Regina flashed her a little smile. Here Emma was. Looking as lovely as ever with snowflakes in her blonde locks. Like she had walked straight out of a fairytale. Regina did not let go of Emma's upper arms. She didn't want to. She wanted to-
"Go ahead, beautiful."
How could Emma possibly know that Regina wanted to kiss her? Was she physic? Regina rolled her eyes a little bit. But she didn't want to play coy. She leaned in and brushed her lips against Emma's.
Emma was not being coy either. She openly 'mm'ed!' into the kiss, and it was possible that that sound was the most beautiful one Regina ever had heard. She cupped Regina's cheeks. Palms molding perfectly after her cheekbones. Emma's hands were surprisingly warm. Like her lips. God, kissing her felt so good! Regina had so been missing it all week. She had thought of it. Dreamed of it. At night and during the day. She had never daydreamed as much as she was doing now. The blood was already rolling quicker in her veins. If she wasn't careful, she could end up getting carried away. Right in the middle of a parking lot.
They really couldn't have that. Regina pulled back slightly. Flashed Emma a little grin. Then leaned back in and gave Emma three quick little pecks on the lips. Simply because she couldn't resist those lovely pink lips Emma was the proud owner of.
"Mmm, hi," Emma almost drawled, grinning from ear to ear. "That was really nice."
Regina nodded. Wholeheartedly agreeing with her girlfriend.
"In fact it was so nice I wouldn't mind doing it again," Emma continued, and now she was the one staring longingly.
Oh. Well. Regina was certainly open to more kisses. She leaned in and kissed Emma again. Had to stand on her tippy toes but didn't care. She actually liked the height difference between them. She had always had a thing for taller women. Tall, blonde women. Zelena's teasing was absolutely right. Regina definitely had a type.
But her obsession with green eyes was a recent one.
The pressure from Emma's lips against her own intensified slightly, and there was nothing Regina wanted more than to wrap her arms around Emma and pull her closer. Pull her flush against herself and-
"Will I have to ask security to remove you two?"
Regina was less than pleased with the interruption but was nevertheless forced to stop kissing Emma. She turned her head and spotted the familiar voice's owner. Malena. Of course. It would appear that there were far too many blondes in this parking lot. She was standing nonchalantly and smoking a cigarette. With a sly grin on her face. Obviously.
"Would it be possible for you to do that in a place that isn't my company's parking lot?" she asked nonchalantly and puffed out smoke.
A tiny snicker came from Emma, but Regina was unamused. She looked at the cigarette nestled between Malena's fingers. Had the strongest urge to run over and snatch the cigarette out of her hand. And squash it under her boot. Smoking was so unhealthy! Regina had used to be a smoker to. Before she got pregnant with Henry. She had gone cold turkey and had quit immediately. And now she was very passionate about making smokers quit smoking.
"What?" Malena asked. Clearly playing the innocent.
Regina gestured to the cigarette between her fingers. Felt tempted to click her tongue in dismay.
"Oh," Malena said and rolled her eyes slightly. "Yes, I'm still smoking."
Regina scowled at her oldest friend.
"I know. It's a terrible habit. I'm trying to quit it," Malena said and to her credit sounded a bit embarrassed as she continued: "as I have been for the past eighteen years."
Regina shook her head slightly. There was that urge to grab the cigarette again.
"Dear god, it feels like I've opened a door to the past," Malena said. It was probably meant to be teasing, but the soft smile revealed her. She was happy to see Regina in person instead of talking via text.
Regina was not pleased, though. Malena was still holding onto the cigarette. She shook her head once more. Then turned her attention back to Emma. Gestured lightly to the Mercedes.
"Yep. I'm ready when you are," Emma said quickly. Looked back at Malena. "See you on Monday!"
"Have a nice weekend, miss Swan."
They left Malena to smoking her cigarette (unfortunately!) and headed inside Regina's Mercedes. As soon as Emma had slammed the door shut behind her, Regina roamed through her purse and found the usual 'you look beautiful'-note she had written earlier and handed it to Emma.
Emma grinned slightly. Then shook her head slightly. "You look beautiful."
Regina could feel the snowflakes melting in her hair and transforming her carefully straightened locks into a curly mess. She scowled slightly. Emma laughed at her, and Regina flashed her a rare stern look. There was absolutely nothing funny about her hair being a mess.
As they drove back towards Zelena's place, Regina switched on the radio and landed on that station that always played old songs. The choice of the afternoon was 'Easy Living' by the ever talented Billie Holiday. Regina immediately wished that she had been able to sing along.
"That's a good song."
Regina nodded. Definitely.
"But not as good as Only You."
Well. Only You definitely fell outside the category of songs Regina normally would listen to. But now she had special memories connected to that song, so once again she nodded. Immediately loosing herself in the wonderful memories of how they had kissed each other the last time they were on a date. She thought about that invisible barrier within her and how Doctor Kristine was sure that it was slowly lifting. She just had to be patient.
Regina was tired of being patient.
Emma cleared her throat. "I was thinking... Can I invite you and Henry to the movies with me next Saturday? There's this cartoon moving going at the moment, I've forgotten the title, but I think it'll be right up Henry's street."
Oh yes, the one with the dragons. Henry had talked much about it, and Regina had already made a halfway promise about taking him to the movies. She was sure he would love seeing it with Emma, though. She nodded without taking her eyes off the road. Felt a smile tug at her lips. Not only had Emma accepted that she and Henry were a package deal, she also genuinely wanted to spend time with him and get to know him. Regina found that very admirable.
"He can sit between us, and we can share a massive bowl of popcorn," Emma continued with a grin. "Do you think he'd like that?"
Regina nodded again. More eagerly this time. He would love that.
"Cool. It's a date, then. A family date."
Regina rumbled at that, but deep down she was amazed. She had gone from sitting in a dark room in the psychiatric ward to going on family date with a beautiful woman and her son. She was so amazed she didn't start paying attention until she heard Emma humming along to 'Easy Living'. Regina glanced at her now and then. Emma had been holding out on her. She had a beautiful voice.
"What?" Emma asked. Clearly not understanding why Regina was peeking at her.
To answer her question, Regina glanced at the radio and then back at Emma.
"Woops," Emma offered and sounded a little embarrassed.
Regina was amused again, and even more so when Emma firmly stated that she 'never ever' would sing along to the radio again. Regina hoped that she would, though. She liked it when Emma hummed.
As expected, the house was quiet and empty when they stepped inside the hallway. Zelena had made herself 'scarce' as she had put it.
"No Henry or Zelena today?" Emma asked.
Regina shook her head and found her phone in her purse and typed: 'Zelena is staying over at Chad's, and Henry is having a sleepover at a friend's house.'
"Oh," Emma said as she did her best to wiggle out of her boots. "So it's just you and me tonight."
Yes. Regina's stomach curled pleasantly at the thought. Reminded herself to not be a hormonal teenager and nodded. Slid her phone back in her purse. Took off her coat. Revealed the dress she was wearing on this particular late afternoon. She had gone a little overboard and had chosen the midnight blue one with zippers at the sides. She hadn't worn that dress in ages, and she had been very doubtful on whether wearing it tonight. But she had chosen to do so. She liked it. Felt comfortable in it. She brushed a hand lightly over the matching blue scarf she was wearing and then turned around. Waited patiently for Emma to take off her own coat.
She did, and Regina took the opportunity to admire the green sweater dress Emma was wearing. It complimented her eyes beautifully. She took the coat from Emma and hung it on the coat rack. Motioned for Emma to follow her into the kitchen. Emma's soft footsteps told her that Emma was doing just that.
Regina checked on the chicken in the oven. It was cooking merrily. Good.
"That smells amazing!"
Regina turned her head so she could smile at Emma. She rose from her slightly crouched position by the oven and walked over to the kitchen table where she found her stack of post its and pencil. She began scribbling a note and could soon look at the finished message. 'It'll be a little while before dinner is ready, but I figured we could head into the living room and have a glass of wine or something like that.' She handed the note to Emma.
"Something like that?" Emma echoed and raised an eyebrow.
Not completely sure of what that raised eyebrow meant, Regina shrugged lightly. It occurred to her that Emma was smiling at her in a particular way. Oh. Now Regina understood exactly what that raised eyebrow meant.
"You know, I like the sound of that," Emma grinned and waggled an eyebrow at her.
God, that woman. What was Regina supposed to do with her? She felt the heat making her cheeks flush. Never had she blushed as much as she did when around Emma. She mock scowled at her girlfriend and opened the fridge. Found a bottle of wine and smiled secretly when Emma found two glasses in the cupboard. She was already so familiar with this place.
They headed into the living room and once they were seated on the couch, Regina poured two glasses of wine. A big one for Emma and a smaller one for herself because she was driving later and wasn't interested in breaking the law. They toasted. Sipped their wine.
But not for long.
"Can I… Can I kiss you hello?" Emma asked shyly.
Absolutely. There was nothing Regina wanted more than that. She nodded. Sat her glass of wine down. Tried not to seem too eager.
But she didn't have to worry about eagerness. In the blink by of an eye, Emma was inching closer. She took Regina's hands in her own. Squeezed them gently. Then she lifted Regina's right hand and brought it up to her lips. Pressed a soft kiss to each knuckle.
Regina could have melted on the spot. There was something thoroughly romantic about receiving a kiss on the hand. It was a gesture from old days. A gesture that reminded Regina of the Jane Austen novels she so enjoyed.
Without letting go of her hands, Emma leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. "Hi," she murmured. "I've missed you."
Regina let her kiss say the things her voice could not. I have missed you too. So much.
They kissed each other again. Emma's hands came up to cup her cheeks.
Regina returned the kiss. She was in the moment. There was nothing to distract her. No barrier. No tension. No fear. A spark of hope ignited within Regina. Was tonight the night where they could do more than kissing? Was tonight the night where the barrier disappeared once and for all?
She knew that she shouldn't hope too much, but she couldn't help it. She so wanted more. Wanted to be ready for more…...
The dinner was a success.
To hell with being modest. It was.
The chicken had been crisp and savory.
Emma ate three portions, much to Regina's delight. She also said that she had never tasted a chicken that was better than this one.
The compliment had Regina smiling and turning her palms upwards in what she hoped was a humble manner.
"You must be some sort of domestic goddess," Emma joked as she swallowed the last piece of chicken.
Definitely not. Regina shook her head. She was no domestic goddess. But she appreciated the compliment.
"You could outcook Eugenia Wolf any day," Emma claimed.
'Careful she doesn't hear you say that', Regina wrote on a note and gave it to Emma.
Emma laughed. "I'd never dare say that when she was near," she said and mock shuddered. "I'm pretty sure she would forbid me to ever come at her restaurant again."
'Yes, and how on earth would you cope without your beloved bear claws?' Regina wrote underneath the first message.
"I wouldn't," Emma quipped. "I'm pretty sure I would decay."
'Drama queen' Regina mouthed before she could stop herself.
"Hey, I am not a drama queen!" Emma protested.
Really? Regina raised an eyebrow.
"Only when it comes to bear claws," Emma amended.
Regina was thoroughly amused at that.
Emma leaned back in her chair. "Oh my god, seriously, this have to be the best chicken I've ever tasted!"
Regina rolled her eyes and took a small sip of her wine.
"Have we toasted to your dress tonight?" Emma asked, sounding ever so serious.
Regina shook her head. They had toasted to many things tonight, but not that.
"Well, then I think it's about time, don't you?" Emma said and raised her glass.
Regina shook her head again. They couldn't keep toasting to her dress.
"Aww, come on," Emma coaxed in the sweetest of way. "We toasted to my editing process last time. Tonight it's your turn."
Very well then. Regina raised her glass.
"To your dress! It's so worth toasting to!"
Regina rewarded Emma with an 'you're crazy'-message, but deep down she was glad that Emma had noticed her dress. That was what she had hoped to achieve when she put on this dress in the first place.
Once having consumed most of the apple turnovers (which Emma had toasted to too), the two women headed inside the living room armed with their glasses of wine. And of course the stack of post-its and the pencil.
"That was an amazing dinner. And an amazing dessert," Emma said once they were seated on the couch.
Regina smiled modestly and shrugged ever so slightly.
"Can I praise the cook?" Emma asked. Her voice still full of sincerity. But the smile she flashed Regina was a rather goofy one.
Regina raised an eyebrow and tilted her head slightly. Hadn't Emma just done that a second ago?
Emma sat her glass of wine down and inched closer to Regina on the couch. Took her hands between her own and ever so slowly leaned in.
Oh. Oh! Praise the cook in that way. Well, Regina certainly did not mind that. Not at all. She turned her head and Emma fused their lips together in a soft, soft kiss. Emma carefully lifted Regina's right hand and placed it lightly just above her hip. Exactly like Regina had done with Emma's hand.
Regina felt her fingers twitch slightly, but she did not move her hand. Just wiggled it slightly and found home against the curve. She liked touching Emma there. Liked it a lot.
Emma was eager tonight. She deepened the kiss, and although Regina had not expected it, she didn't mind it. Quite the reverse. She happily went along with it and placed her other hand on Emma's left hip. That spurred Emma on. She snaked her hands underneath Regina's shoulders and then placed warm palms on the top of Regina's back. Her hands were splayed wide and felt like she was trying to touch as much of Regina's back as she possibly could.
Regina didn't mind that. Her instincts were taking over. Her arms winded around Emma's neck. She pulled her closer. Pulled her flush against her own body. They were pressed against each other. Emma moaned into her mouth. Regina copied the sound. And this time, she felt no shyness. Why should she? Emma liked when she was making sounds. Emma liked hearing how she made Regina feel. Being embarrassed about moaning would be ridiculous. Regina moaned again when she felt Emma's tongue swipe over her bottom lip. She tasted of wine and something sweet that Regina not yet had been able to find a name for. Perhaps it was just plain 'Emma'. The way she tasted. And smelled. So sweet. So tempting. Regina's new favorite scent. The best scent in the whole wide world belonged to Emma Swan. Wonderful, beautiful, magnificent Emma Swan who was so very talented at kissing.
Emma who kissed her in a way that made Regina feel like a sixteen year old girl. Like one of the silly, smitten heroines she had read about in one of her many, many romantic novels.
Regina was a romantic. No matter how much she tried denying it.
No matter how hard she had tried banishing the thought from her head.
The little things Emma did, such as kissing her hand, toasting to her dress and asking permission before she kissed her made Regina swoon. First reluctantly, but now completely and wholeheartedly.
Emma was driving her crazy in a way that nobody else had. Emma's warm palms were on her cheeks now. She parted her lips more and allowed Regina's tongue to slide in deeper.
Regina felt a little faint. A little dizzy. And very determined. She combed her fingers through Emma's blonde locks and reveled in the sounds Emma made. Their tongues intertwined, pulled back and teased. It was almost like a dance. Each move practiced and polished as though they had done this for years. Her lips buzzed, her skin flushed. She was starting to throb between her legs but she didn't care. She could only think of one thing. Emma. She wanted her. Wanted to do this. Right now. On this couch.
She grabbed Emma by the shoulders and felt Emma shift. Adjusting. Then laying back on the couch. Regina crawled on top of her. Kissed her once more. Emma's hands were on her cheeks. Regina wanted those hands elsewhere. She wanted Emma to touch her everywhere, kiss her everywhere. Wanted her to just-
The world, which had been slightly out of focus when she was kissing Emma, suddenly became laser sharp again. As did everything else. Sharp and solid. The wall Regina had built around herself, the walls which had come close to collapsing, repaired itself and stood stronger and more solid than ever as Regina suddenly remembered everything.
Remembered her scars.
The marks on her body.
The rough hands who had grabbed her.
Pulled at her.
Hit her.
Hurt her.
The couch disappeared and became a rug that scratched her naked back. Emma underneath her transformed into Killian Jones above her.
Pinning her down.
Hurting her.
Again.
And again.
Regina pulled back as though she had burned herself. She couldn't do this. She still couldn't do this. Her plan of making tonight 'the night' was failing miserably.
Fuck!
Why did this have to happen?! Why couldn't she just power through and do this?!
Everyone did it.
Why couldn't she just get into her thick skull that Emma was Emma and not Killian? Why couldn't she just switch off her brain and enjoy herself for once?
Why did she always sabotage herself?
Now she had ruined a perfectly good evening.
And she had led Emma on.
Again.
It wasn't fair.
To either of them.
Regina had so wanted this.
She had been so ready to go all the way.
But now she was stuck in the same place.
Frustrated.
And unable to do anything about it.
Because she still couldn't let Emma touch her.
Because a part of her was still too scared to go all the way.
And right now that part of her was winning.
Again.
"What?" Emma didn't sound annoyed or frustrated. She just sounded confused.
Regina shook her head in defeat. She was flushed and her heart thumped in her chest. The slight tingling sensation between her legs was still there albeit not as strong as before. But strong enough to frustrate her. The entire situation was frustrating. What was she to do when she wanted more but couldn't have it? When she was still too scared to give herself away fully. To go all the way.
Regina found a blank note and wrote down a message. 'I wish I could give you more than handholding and one or two kisses now and then.' She gave it to Emma.
"Give me three kisses then," Emma said sweetly.
Normally, Regina would have appreciated Emma's attempt of humor. But not tonight. Not when she was this frustrated. She scowled as she wrote a new message ('you know that's not what I meant.') and gave it to Emma.
"I know," Emma said gently.
Regina took the note from her and scribbled down her frustration under the first message: 'I wish I could. I want to, but every time I as much as THINK about your hands on me, I can suddenly feel his hands on my body again. It's like he's controlling me still. He's preventing me from doing something I want to do.' And it wasn't fucking fair! It was not fair that Killian Jones still had this kind of power over her. And it wasn't fair to Emma either that Regina kept associating her touches with the touch of a vile, violent rapist.
"You really want to do that?" Emma asked, voice soft and gentle. "Or do you feel like it's something you have to do? Because if that's-"
No. Regina shook her head vehemently. No, no, no. She did not feel like she had to go all the way. She knew that Emma would never pressure her into doing anything she wasn't ready for. All the thoughts about leading Emma on were just ridiculous things happening in her brain. She wrote down her answer on a new note: 'I want to. I want to experience every aspect of having a relationship with you, but I just... There's just something inside me that prevents me from going all the way. It's like I want you close, but at the same time I can't.' Oh god. That did not make sense at all. Even Regina could see that. And if she couldn't make sense of it, she doubted that Emma would be able to. Still, she gave her the note.
While Emma read the note, Regina silently despaired. She knew that it was still early days in their relationship, but right now that didn't matter. Nor did her therapist's talk about patience and 'physical intimacy not being the core in a relationship'. None of it mattered.
Because what if she would never be able to give herself fully again?
What if there always would be that last remainder of fear blocking her?
What if physical intimacy simply wasn't possible for her anymore?
What if Killian had taken more than her voice that night?
What if he had taken away her ability to connect too?
What if she was…. What if she was ruined?
Regina sighed and blinked. Drew a lock of hair behind her ear. Blinked. She didn't want to cry. She had to compose herself.
"Hey. It's okay."
It wasn't. Regina shook her head and grabbed a note and the pencil again. 'It is not, though. I so want to show you how much I appreciate you, how much I cherish you. Each time I pull back, it feels like I don't trust you completely. Which is ridiculous, because I do! I trust you more than I trust anyone, and it frustrates me that I'm incapable of showing you just how much.'
Emma moved closer and took her hand. "Writing me this note shows me that you trust me completely," she said softly. "Sharing your frustrations with me shows me that you trust me. You show me that you trust me in a million different ways, Regina. I don't need a physical evidence of it."
Regina shook her head. It was not about giving a physical evidence of how much she trusted Emma. It was about being prevented from doing something she wanted to do. It was about feeling stuck and frustrated and being unable to do anything about it. It was about not being able to enjoy her girlfriend's touches because it reminded her of the last time she was touched. She wrote down exactly how she felt. 'I just want to be able to make love to my girlfriend.' Her cheeks were so hot you could have fried eggs on them when she gave the note to Emma, but it was important for her to let Emma know that it was something she wanted to do. Not something she felt pressured into doing. Emma couldn't and wouldn't ever pressure her into anything. Regina knew that.
Emma squeezed her hand a little bit, but Regina was so emotionally affected and frustrated that she ended up just shaking her head. She shouldn't be talking to Emma about this. Emma was not her therapist. She shouldn't be unloading all her frustrations onto her. It wasn't right. Or fair.
Emma squeezed her hand again. "Can I ask you something really personal?" the question was hushed. Gentle.
Regina nodded without hesitation. Of course. Emma could ask her anything. There was no secrets between them.
"Have you..." Emma paused as though weighing her words. She licked her lips. Seemed nervous to continue, but still did so anyway: "have you... you know... touched yourself at all?"
The question caught Regina completely off guard. Her head snapped up and her eyes widened as she looked at Emma. She was definitely embarrassed about the subject. But she wasn't angry that Emma had asked her. Surprised and embarrassed but not angry. She shook her head. No. She had not.
Emma gave her hand a little squeeze. "Maybe you could try that? Give yourself the chance to reclaim your body before sharing it with someone? With me. Make yourself feel good. Enjoy your own touches first. Take back what's yours."
Reclaim her body. Take back what was hers. That wasn't… completely crazy. Maybe she could try that. She had spent so long on being afraid of her body and feeling uncomfortable in her own skin because her body didn't feel like her own. She had thought of her body as a prison. A walking reminder of what had happened to her. But it was more than that, wasn't it? It belonged to her, not Killian Jones. It was hers to touch, not his. Not anymore. She could… She could make herself feel good, couldn't she? She could take back control and remember that her body was not a prison. That it was capable of being other things besides a punching bag.
Why hadn't she thought about this herself?
She had been so focused on wanting to experience intimacy with Emma, she hadn't considered that she could experience it on her own.
The mere thought of touching herself had her cheeks flushing again as she nodded.
Emma leaned in and kissed her cheek. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Regina. It's the most natural thing in the world."
To everyone else perhaps, but not to her. Not to someone who had been forced to work for each caress and kind word. Not to someone who'd had the threat of physical punishment hanging above her head if she dared touching herself. Killian had straight up forbidden her to do that. He had claimed that it was humiliating for him as a man. But Regina didn't tell Emma this. It was too embarrassing. So she settled for just nodding. Then she reached out and grabbed her glass of wine. Took a large gulp of her wine. She suddenly needed that. God, she had never envisioned that she would spend her date with Emma talking about this.
Emma saw her embarrassment and effectively cut through it by asking her a completely normal question, and Regina was grateful. Grateful that she respected that they shouldn't talk more about it. Emma was always so good at sensing her mood. Regina scribbled down an answer and gave it to Emma. Emma read it and asked her another question. One that Regina scribbled down another answer to. The awkwardness slowly lifted, and even more so when Emma managed to make her smile. Once again, Regina felt a wave of gratefulness. Maybe she could snap out of her embarrassed/thoughtful state. Emma was certainly doing everything she could to help. She asked Regina completely normal questions. About her job and house hunting and pretty much everything. Regina made sure to make her answers long and detailed to show Emma that she wasn't upset or mad about the previous, personal question. She wasn't. But she was definitely thoughtful. Very thoughtful.
"So, a house is still what you're looking for?" Emma asked her.
Regina nodded. Yes. She didn't want to live in an apartment. 'Yes, that would be preferred. And close by as well.', she wrote on a new note and gave it to Emma.
"You mean close to Zelena?" Emma asked upon having read the message. "Or maybe a bit closer to Steveston? That could be really awesome!"
Steveston had in fact crossed her mind. 'I have actually considered Steveston myself. It's so nice and peaceful. It would be a good place for Henry.' And for her.
"That's an awesome idea!" Emma declared. "I'm all for it."
Of course she was. Regina smiled.
"What do you think Zelena will say about that?"
Well, it wasn't up to Zelena to decide where Regina chose to settle down, but…
'I believe she would warm up to the idea if she knew that I was moving closer to you.'
"And what do you think Henry would say about living closer to me? Do you think he would like that?" Emma sounded almost shy. This was clearly important to her. Henry's approval was important to her.
But she didn't need to be skittish when it came to that. 'Yes, I believe he would absolutely love that.' Regina flashed Emma another smile as she gave Emma the note.
Emma grinned as she read it. "He actually likes me, doesn't he? I mean, he likes me- likes me."
Regina nodded. Yes, Henry definitely liked-liked Emma.
"That's really… wow. Normally, I'm not that good with kids," Emma openly admitted and sent her blonde locks tumbling when she shook her head. "Not even when I was a kid, was I good with kids." She tried laughing but didn't really succeed. "They made me feel shy and awkward and to some extent, they still do. I was afraid that would be the case for Henry too. And of course I was afraid that he wouldn't like me because I'm dating his mom and all that jazz…" now her laughter was more genuine and the warmth in her eyes unmistakable as she looked at Regina. She gave her hand a soft squeeze. "But he's been so great, you know? Welcomed me with open arms. Half adult and half smart ten year old."
That was a very spot on description for her boy. He was a perfect mix of wonderous ten year old and serious adult. As of late, he had been less serious, though. Less concerned. There had been fewer nightmares. Something that Regina was very happy about. Henry too was starting to behave like he once had. Regina hoped that he one day would be able to put this behind him. Not forget it. She would never expect that of him. No child would ever forget seeing their mother surrounded by machines and tubes in a hospital bed. But she hoped that he would be able to live side by side with what he had experienced. Just like she was hoping that for herself too. Living side by side with the trauma. Acknowledging that it was here and then go about her day.
"I can't wait to hang out with him," Emma continued. "Going to the movies with him is going to be so much fun!"
Her reaction was so similar to how Regina predicted that her son would react when she told him the news. The urge to spend time together was mutual for both Emma and Henry, and Regina was so happy about it. She had previously dated few other men and women and both parties had become more cautious when they found out that she had a child. She remembered one time where she had been in a bar and had flirted quite a bit with a woman. The chemistry had been great. Until Regina revealed that she had a two year old son at home. Suddenly, the woman hadn't been as interested. She had never regretted having Henry, but it had made dating more difficult. But Emma was completely different. Of course she was…
"Thank you for an awesome night," Emma said later when they were parked at the busstop.
Regina smiled and kissed her cheek gently.
"Text me later?" Emma asked. With a twinkle in her eyes. Because of course she already knew the answer to that.
Regina nodded. Obviously.
"Great. See ya," Emma grinned as she unbuckled her seatbelt and got ready to exit the car.
Regina held her back. There was absolutely no reason for Emma to get out of the car and freeze before the bus arrived. It was better for Emma to stay in the car. In fact Regina insisted that she stayed in the car.
"Bossy," Emma teased her in the sweetest way possible.
Regina smiled again. It wasn't the first time she had been called that. And it was a label she happily wore as a cape.
"Okay, okay, I'll stay in the car," Emma chuckled. "Thanks."
Regina frowned. She was starting to feel properly angry at that Lily-woman Emma had dated before. She had to be part of the reason why Emma was saying thank you for things she didn't need to say thank you for.
They amused themselves with listening to the radio while waiting for the bus. Emma commented on all the different songs. She made comments that had Regina rumbling with amusement.
"What? Not a fan of The Rolling Stones?" Emma half-teased.
No, the Rolling Stones had never been her favorite band.
"Alright then…" Emma switched station and Bono's familiar voice singing 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. "How about U2 then? You like them? Good old Bono?"
Regina actually had listened to quite a bit of U2. Especially when she was around twenty two and had been suffering from a broken heart.
"Cool! Me too!" Emma grinned and looked like that small similarity was the best thing ever.
Maybe it was. Regina too loved finding new things she and Emma had in common. Which were quite a lot.
Just like when they were driving to Zelena's place, Emma started humming along. Regina didn't shoot her any glances this time. She simply listened and enjoyed it. And when the bus arrived, she kissed Emma on the cheek again. Didn't drive away immediately. Instead she waited until Emma had found a seat and the bus started driving.
Regina drove off with a head that buzzed with thoughts…
Upon returning home, Regina couldn't postpone her plan any longer. Emma's words had ignited something in her. Something she hadn't been ready to do before, but was now. It was time. It was time to take back what was hers.
She removed her coat and high heeled shoes. Took her phone from the living room table and carried it with her as she went upstairs. Left it on the bedside table.
Then she walked over to the mirror. Looked at herself as she stood there in her midnight blue dress. She looked good. She knew she did. She didn't turn around as she reached for the zipper in the back and tugged at it. She didn't want to turn away. Not tonight. This was her body. She had felt like a walking shell for far too long. She had seen her body as something foreign for far too long. She was tired of feeling like that. She was tired of feeling like her body didn't belong to her.
Regina unzipped the dress and let it fall to the floor in a whisper of midnight blue silk. She tugged off her stockings and stood in front of the mirror in her underwear. Normally, she would have hurried in undressing herself and then throwing on a pajama. Normally she would have avoided looking. But not tonight. Her fingers trembled ever so slightly as she reached back and unclasped her bra. Took it off and let it fall to the floor where her dress and stockings were already lying.
Regina looked at her breasts. Really looked at them. Over the years, they had been given a gracious amount of attention from both men and women. She had once considered them to be her greatest assets. But later she had seen them as a curse. She had been forced to show them off when Killian had insisted that she wore dresses with low necklines when they were in private. He had insisted that she left them on display for him whenever he desired. They were his. They only insisted to bring him pleasure. Regina lifted a hand and carefully palmed her right breast. The skin around her nipple tightened and rippled with goosebumps. She was uncomfortable, but she did not move her hand. Why shouldn't she touch her own body whenever she felt like doing so? Her heartbeat slowed and she moved her hand from her right and to her left breast instead. The goosebumps spread on her chest. She was literally afraid of her own touch. But she didn't want to be. She wanted to be good to herself.
Regina moved her hand away from her breast and hooked her fingers in the waistband of her panties. Her stomach coiled immediately. She took a deep breath and peeled the panties off. Stepped out of them when they pooled around her ankles. Finally, she loosened the scarf still around her neck and let it fall to the floor as well. Now she was standing completely naked in front of the mirror. Naked and trembling. She could do nothing about the tears automatically coming to her when she looked at naked body in the mirror. The evidences of Killian's abuse was so visible everywhere on her body. So cruel. Right from the boot print on her stomach to the choking-lines on her throat.
But she didn't look away.
Instead she wiped her tears and willed herself not to cry.
Because this was not all she was.
Abused was not all her body was.
She looked at her golden skin tone. Her strong thighs. Her curvy hips. Her lightly rounded stomach. It suited her that she had put on a little weight over the past few weeks. She looked healthier.
Her body was….
Her body was beautiful.
Objectively speaking and without being biased, Regina knew that she had a beautiful body.
Her body was strong too.
Her body had carried and birthed the most important thing in the world.
Her body had given her Henry.
Regina ran her fingers lightly over her stomach. Shivered at the touch.
Her body had been through a birth and survived what had felt like the most excruciating pain.
And then years later, her body had survived a different kind of pain.
She had been thrown into a wall. Her head had been smashed against it several times. And she had survived.
Killian had forced her down on the carpet. He had pinned her down and abused her body in the vilest manner imaginable. And she had survived.
He had wrapped a belt around her neck with the intention to kill her.
But she hadn't died.
Instead she had survived.
Again.
Her body was tough. She was made of more than skin and bones.
She was more than a shell.
Her body was….
Pretty amazing.
And it was time to show it that.
It was time to show her body gratitude.
Her gaze dropped to between her thighs. Her hand trembled as she slowly reached down and touched. Her thighs flexed as though she was trying to push herself away. But then her muscles relaxed. She touched herself again. Had no problem with remembering how she had touched when she wanted to pleasure herself in the past. But tonight it was different. Her touches were… clumsy. Shy almost. Her body had become a stranger. The touches felt foreign.
Regina didn't want her body to be a stranger. She wanted to be familiar with it again. Perhaps it was because she was standing in front of the mirror. Surely, that would make anyone feel awkward, right? Nobody pleasured themselves standing up. She needed to lie down. Regina turned her back on her reflection and walked over to the bed. Moved the covers aside and climbed in. She didn't pull the covers over her body. She didn't want to hide. Regina licked her lips. She hadn't slept naked since before the attack. By the end of their relationship, Killian had started to demand that she slept naked. So she had. Because it was easier to do as he said rather than risking being hit if she protested.
In the end it hadn't helped at all.
But that was then.
And this was now.
She was by herself. In her own bed.
There was nothing to be afraid of.
Nothing at all.
Regina let her hand drift down again. Touched herself between her thighs. Her feet did that thing they always did when she touched herself. She touched herself again. Allowed her fingers to glide up and down. Felt a whisper of that arousal she had felt earlier when she kissed Emma.
Emma touching her.
Emma kissing her.
Regina's toes flexed and then curled again. Her fingers moved with more purpose now. Her teeth sank into her bottom lip as her fingers made contact with her clit.
But instead of getting more aroused, the completely opposite happened. Slick, cold fear filled Regina's stomach. Excitement turned to recoil. Flickering flames turned to ash and became nothing.
She still couldn't do this.
She was still afraid.
Something was still holding her back.
Was it Killian?
Was it the fear itself?
Was she afraid of not being able to connect with her body again? Was it some kind of performance anxiety that held her back?
Yes.
Regina's imagination ran amok, and she imagined years of frustration laying ahead of her. Years where she wasn't able to let go and experience pleasure.
She touched herself again, but nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. There was no expectation. No anticipation. Only anxiety.
Tears pooled in Regina's eyes again. But this time it was tears of frustration. For the longest time, she had felt uncomfortable in her own skin, and now when she finally was ready to experience pleasure again, she couldn't.
This had been a bad idea.
Regina sat up in bed. Pulled the covers tightly across her chest. Wiped the frustrated tears away from her cheeks and turned her head. Ended up grabbing her phone. She wasn't quite sure whether she was aiming for putting on some music in order to relax, but upon looking at the screen, she saw that there was a text. From Emma. From a while ago. Oh, she had completely forgotten to text her. Regina felt guilty as she opened the text message and read it. 'Hey, are youu okay?'
She wasn't. And she was too frustrated to lie about it.
'Not really, to be honest.'
'What's wrong?'
Regina bit her lip. Her goal was to be honest with Emma all the time, and since they had already talked about personal matters earlier, what was the point in being coy now?
'Are you sure you want to know?'
'Yes, of course I do.'
'I can't do it', Regina ended up writing even though that was not at all what she had planned on doing. She was so frustrated. She had wanted to do this so badly, but her anxiety had put a stop to her plans. Once again blocked. Still blocked.
'Can't do what? Are you okay?'
Regina swallowed something as she typed another message for Emma. 'Oh god, I'm not even sure I should be telling you this, it's gonna sound so inappropriate. But I'm trying to...' a pause where she bit her lip again. 'Do what you suggested earlier, and I can't. It feels like something is blocking me.' She sent it before she could regret it. Then cringed. It was inappropriate. Her phone vibrated again, and Regina imagined that Emma would have messaged her something polite. Something about giving her privacy.
But Emma hadn't. 'Okay. Is there something I can do to help you?'
Regina frowned. If she didn't know any better, she would say that Emma was offering to…. But she wasn't. Right?
'What are you suggesting right now?'
'Can I call you?'
Frown deepened. Was Emma suggesting phone sex? Of course there was nothing wrong with that. Except for….
'Emma, you know I can't answer. I can't talk to you.'
'That doesn't matter. You don't need to. All you have to do is knock twice for yes and once for no.'
Oh. She…. Could do that. Sure. But was Emma really suggesting phone sex? Regina wasn't too sure about that being the way to go about this. But at the same time, she couldn't possibly get anymore frustrated than she already was, so why not just give it a chance? She and Emma were already way beyond shame and shyness, it would seem.
'Okay.'
It didn't even take ten seconds before her phone rang. Regina swiped to answer the call. By force of habit she opened her mouth to say hello, but quickly remembered that she couldn't do that. Instead she had to settle for knocking gently on her bedside table.
"Are you there?" Emma's gentle voice came through the phone.
Regina tapped her fist twice against the bedside table. She put the phone on speaker. She was by herself tonight and it was easier than holding it.
"Alright. I might be able to help you if you want me to," Emma said softly. "May I help you with this?"
God, even in this very unexpected situation, Emma insisted upon being gallant. She was too good to be true. Regina knocked twice on the bedside table again.
"Are you somewhere comfortable?" Emma asked gently. "Are you laying in your bed?"
It could have been a tacky standard opening line, but with Emma it wasn't. Regina tapped her fist against the table again.
"Okay, uhh..." Emma cleared her throat in the other end. "This is gonna sound like a big fat cliché, and I'm sorry about that, but are you wearing any clothes?"
Regina flushed as she tapped the bedside table again. This time only once. For no.
"Close your eyes," Emma gently instructed her with a voice that was a bit hoarse over the phone. "Just focus on my voice, alright?"
Easiest thing in the world. Regina knocked twice on the bedside table to tell Emma that she understood. Then she closed her eyes. Darkness immediately surrounded her. But it was not the kind of darkness Regina feared. This darkness was comfortable. Pleasant, even.
"Start out slowly," Emma said softly. "Get yourself used to the touch. Maybe start out by running your fingers lightly over your arm. Only use the tip of your fingers to do it."
Her arms? Not exactly what Regina had expected, but okay. She did as Emma had instructed and gently ran her fingers over her arm. She was soft there. It felt pretty good. Once she had done it, she knocked lightly on the bedside table again.
Emma's voice was soft and gentle as she instructed Regina to touch her other arm. Her shoulders. The top of her chest. Then….
"Now touch your stomach," Emma said and sounded like she wanted to clear her throat again. "Try circling your navel with the tip of your finger. Just keep the touch light."
Regina touched her stomach. Circled her navel. Her toes flexed. Oh. That felt surprisingly good too. She was vaguely aware that her breathing had changed, and she forgot to knock on the bedside table.
But she clearly didn't need to. "One more time," Emma guided. "Just to get used to it."
The contact of her fingers circling the area around her navel had Regina sighing softly. God, that felt good. Why had she never thought of doing this herself?
"Yeah... That's it," Emma said, voice rougher and softer than ever. "Once you feel comfortable with doing so, maybe try and move your hand up a bit. Don't rush it. Just slowly let it venture up until you're touching your breast."
Regina already felt comfortable. She had no problem with touching her right breast. And this time there was no anxiety or fear. She inhaled sharply. The sensation of the touch mixed with Emma's soft voice made the perfect combination. She was honest to god starting to feel a little lightheaded.
"Does that feel okay?" Emma asked. So sweet. So attentive.
Regina tapped her fist twice against the bedside table as quickly as she could.
"Good. Now knead it a bit. Softly, of course. Don't rush it."
Oh, god. That felt so good. Regina couldn't help but moan. But she was not embarrassed about it this time.
"Touch your nipple," Emma whispered to her. "Roll it between your fingers."
Regina's fingers trembled as they made contact with her nipple. Her thighs twitched and her mind began to feel foggy as she started rolling it between her fingers. Oh god, oh god, oh god…. She moaned again. It felt a bit strange. It had been a long time since she last used her voice like this. But she had no problem with recognizing the high pitched moan coming out of her mouth. A sure sign that the arousal was building.
"That's it," Emma breathed in her ear. "Use both your hands now. Make yourself feel good."
The anxiety and fear over not being able to do this was completely gone. Because she was capable of doing this. She was doing it right now. Touching herself without fear or hesitation. With Emma's reassuring voice in the other end, and the bed creaked underneath her as her hips shifted with each time she rolled her nipples between her fingers. Another moan spilled from her lips. Another moan she didn't suppress. Why should she? There had been a time where she was a passionate, vibrate woman, and Regina refused to let that woman be silent for a minute longer.
"Keep rolling your nipples," Emma husked. "Just keep going, Regina. You deserve this so much, you deserve to feel good. You're so beautiful, so, so beautiful!"
A choked sob escaped Regina. Because at this very moment, she did feel beautiful, and she did deserve it. This was her body, and with each touch she was reclaiming it. With Emma's help, through Emma's guidance, she took back what was rightfully hers.
"I'm right here with you," Emma gently reassured her. Voice tight and breathless. "You're doing so good, Regina! Do you feel good?"
Oh god, yes! Regina couldn't reach the bedside table without moving, so she settled for hitting her fist against the mattress twice.
"Are you ready to feel even more pleasure than you're feeling now?"
Yes, yes, yes. A thousandth times yes. Regina hit the mattress twice with her fist again.
"Bring your hand lower," Emma whispered. "Touch yourself."
She didn't clarify, and she didn't have to either. Regina brought her right hand lower and touched her core. A sharp gasp tumbled from her lips when she realized that it felt different from the last time. She was… She was wet. God….
"Slow movements," Emma guided in the other end. "Allow yourself to feel."
God, how Regina was feeling! She was feeling so much it had her sweating and trembling and moaning and thrashing in the bed. Her hips bucked and her toes curled. The slow strokes of her fingers up and down through her folds drove her crazy in a way she hadn't felt since…. Forever. She moaned again. Sharply.
"I know," Emma said. "It feels good, doesn't it?"
It felt better than good. Regina had never felt better than she did right now.
"Touch your..." Emma was rasping now. "Touch your clit."
Was it hearing Emma say the word 'clit' or was it her fingers making contact with said little nub? Regina wasn't sure. Perhaps it was a combination. It had to be. Regina made a sound she could barely recognize as she gave her clit a hard rub. It didn't sound like a sound she'd ever made. It barely sounded human. Was she being too rough on herself?
She was. And Emma of course recognized that. "Easy, easy," she said gently. "Be nice to yourself. This is not about the endgame, it's about feeling good. Be good to yourself, Regina. Show yourself kindness."
Regina swallowed thickly as she touched her clit again. Made her touch softer again. Her thighs still clenched, but the sensation wasn't bordering on pain anymore. It felt better. She moaned again. Softer this time.
"Rub it slowly," Emma groaned. "Make circles."
Regina wasn't sure she was even breathing as she did as Emma had instructed. Her fingers were slipping and so was she. She could feel that burning sensation beginning in her heels. It wouldn't be long before the burning would reach her core, and when it did…. She wriggled in the bed. Her teeth grinded against each other and another choked sound spilled from her lips.
"Use your other hand to touch your breast," Emma said hoarsely. "Knead it."
Her hand was shaking worse than ever, but somehow, she was still able to lift it and cup her right breast. Then knead it like Emma had said. The burning sensation intensified. Now she could feel a tingling sensation in her abdomen. The same one she had felt when Emma had kissed her earlier, just…. Stronger. She was…. She was reaching that precipice. This was real. She was FEELING.
"Rub yourself faster," Emma instructed breathily. "Rub your clit. Give yourself what you deserve, Regina. You're almost there!"
Yes! Yes, she was! They both knew that. There were tears in Regina's eyes. Tears splashing onto her cheeks, but she did nothing to prevent the tears as she rubbed her clit faster and kneaded her breast a bit harder. She was more than allowed to cry. More than allowed to feel this shared experience with every part of herself. Her thoughts ran wild, and she imagined that Emma was here with her. Touching her. Making her feel good with both her voice and her hands.
"Let go, lovely," Emma whispered softly. "You can do this. It's just you and me, Regina. This is your body, and this is your pleasure, now reclaim it like you deserve!"
The sensation was overwhelming. For a moment it felt like it was too much. Too much pleasure. Her fingers moved faster and faster. It felt like she was going to snap in half trying to achieve this.
But then something else snapped within her.
An invisible barrier within Regina came tumbling down.
Her hips bucked.
Her moans reached a state she hadn't thought her voice was able to do.
Then she was flying.
Not falling.
Pleasure shot through her veins and had her gasping sharply. Her head was spinning. White lights popped behind her tightly shut eyes and fireworks exploded in her belly as the heat reached its peak.
Her heart was pumping in her chest. Her pulse hammering away in her neck. Her hand slid down on a breast slippery with sweat.
She felt her fingers getting sticky with her own essence and a choked little sob escaped her when she realized what that stickiness meant.
She was not broken.
She had not lost her ability to feel pleasure.
Emma's help had restored something within her.
She had just climaxed.
Emma had helped her achieve the ultimate pleasure.
She was….
She was alive.
Her body was alive.
And more importantly, it belonged to her again.
She had finally taken back what was hers.
Her heartbeat slowed down, and her moaning tampered down to a low panting. God, she still couldn't fully believe this. The frustration was gone and had been replaced with palpable relief. Her body was no longer a shell. It was vibrant, alive and warm.
"Are you alright?" Emma gently asked her.
Regina gave two very weak taps against the wooden surface. She was more than alright.
"Are you okay with me hanging up too?"
Completely exhausted, Regina gave two more weak taps. She felt like she could fall asleep at any given moment.
"Okay," Emma said softly. "Now rest. You've deserved that too."
She didn't say anything else, and after a moment, it occurred to Regina that Emma had hung up. She puffed out air and at last managed to move her hands away from her breast and now sticky sex. She let out a long breath and felt a smile quiver on her lips. She was smiling but crying at the same time. She'd never had a more satisfying, empowering erotic experience than this one. And it was all because of Emma. Emma was the one who had helped her. Emma was the one who had seen her through it. No judgement. Just the two of them as a unit. Even though Emma hadn't been here physical, she had still been here in every way. This had not just been simple phone sex. This was the kindest, gentlest form of intimacy Regina ever had experienced. This was real partnership. Real… love.
Regina opened her eyes and saw the darkened bedroom through a blurry veil of tears. Did she love Emma Swan?
Yes.
Yes, perhaps she did.
Perhaps she also wanted to tell Emma that, but not tonight. She was so exhausted. She was drifting off to sleep.
But her body was awake.
At long last, her body was finally awake.
Finally hers again…...
At some point during the night, Regina woke. Naked, groggy and sticky. And with the acute need to tell Emma how much this meant to her.
Her gratitude was palpable in the text she sent to Emma:
'You were with me. It was your hands I felt on my body and not my own. I don't... I don't know what to say, Emma. Thank you. Thank you for giving this back to me.'
To Be Continued….