A/N: I have a ton of fanfics that I should be writing, but then this really cool crack AU came to me and I had to write it. So this is an AU of the second year, which means that things are going to be completely different. Also keep in mind that this is crack and Harry really is kind of insane... And I am aware that there are a few fics that are kind of similar to the idea in this, but I do think that the crack will make this series a completely different kind of story. So, enjoy!

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Flaming Chickens 1 – Fire

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Harry laughed as he watched the flaming chickens run around Hagrid's yard. Tom was yelling in his mind that Harry was supposed to strangle the roosters, but Harry was enjoying the sight too much to the diary's instructions.

This had all started on the day that they had gone to Diagon Alley. Well, Harry's obsession with fire started back with Dudley and a carton of matches back when they were little, but this current series of events started back in Diagon Alley. Things had gone relatively fine until Lucius Malfoy had picked a fight with Arthur Weasley. The man had picked up one of Ginny's textbooks, rifled through it while making a comment and then threw it back into her cauldron.

Things had descended from there and later on Harry had found Ginny staring at her books in disgust. She didn't want to touch the book that Malfoy had picked up, her transfiguration text book. Harry had quite agreed with her on that fact; it had been rather creepy of the older man to pick up her books. This was when Harry made a horribly brilliant idea.

He offered to trade books with Ginny, figuring that he didn't really need his copy of the first year's transfiguration text book now that he had the second year's text book. He was careful not to mention this idea to Hermione or Ron as he sneaked his copy out of his trunk. Hermione wouldn't agree with not needing the first year's book and Ron would get all fussy about charity. So, it was just Ginny who knew about the trade and Harry dumped the 'slimy' book into his trunk and forgot about it.

It wasn't until the subject of homework came up that he remembered it. Hermione had offered to proofread his essay for Transfiguration and Harry paged through his first year's book in order to find the essay. He didn't find the essay, but he did find a slim journal stuck loosely into the book. He was confused at first until he remembered that he had traded books with Ginny, so he took the journal down to her room to trade again for his essay.

He had offered her the journal, but she had been just as confused as Harry was about its presence. Blushing, she had told Harry that he could keep the journal. Harry had almost left at that point without his essay, feeling uncomfortable about Ginny's weirdness, but she managed to hand the essay over.

The journal faded back into the recess of Harry's mind after that, until the time it came to go to bed. He stared at the slim book as he wondered what he should do with it. He had never kept a journal before; Dudley would either tear it up or tease him about being a girl. This in mind, Harry was kind of leaning on stuffing it down to the bottom of his trunk, but then he started wondering what a wizarding journal was like.

Almost everything was different in the Wizarding world. Quills instead of pens, Quidditch instead of Football, animate chess pieces instead of plastic pieces. Maybe a Wizarding journal would have a handy playback option? Or maybe the ink changed color automatically? There were so many interesting options that Harry just had to figure out what it could do.

So, he opened the book and took out his quill. He then paused as he wondered what to write. He still couldn't get past the feeling as though he shouldn't be writing in the journal and now he had the boy-who-lived people to deal with. He might ignore the stares, but he knew that people would freak if they knew that he was writing in a journal.

He had to be sneaky about it, like a spy. Harry grinned as he remembered all of the spy shows that he was able to watch while cleaning the living room when Dudley was watching his tv. James Bond was actually Dudley's favorite, but Harry liked the American show that they had gotten called 'Get Smart.' The agent in that show was so goofy, but he always managed to save the day. Sometimes Harry felt kind of like that man.

So, that was the reason why Harry started off his entry introducing himself as Maxwell Smart. He was startled when the ink faded into the journal and he grinned as he realized how it was probably a security feature. Now he was just like an actual spy! Of course, then the journal replied back to him, introducing himself as Tom Riddle and Harry learned that it was an enchanted diary, but he still rather preferred to refer to himself as a spy.

Over the next few days, as Harry traveled to Hogwarts and settled in for his second year, Tom Riddle got to know 'Maxwell Smart.' The entity within the diary was slightly surprised that he couldn't gain control of Harry's body after a few weeks, but there really wasn't anything that he could do about it. He just figured that it was because 'Maxwell' needed slight Occlumency shields because he was a 'secret agent.' Riddle had no idea what exactly that meant, but he was waiting patiently until he could take the body over.

Yet, it was beginning to be Halloween and still Riddle couldn't take over the body. He had some hold over it, he was now able to slightly piggyback on 'Maxwell' mind, but that was it. It looked like Riddle had to get 'Maxwell' to open up the Chamber of Secrets on his own power. Still, Riddle didn't really trust the boy enough to just tell him where it was, so he came up with a test.

He sent 'Maxwell' out to kill the roosters, telling the boy that he would show him something cool if he would kill off all of the roosters. It had taken some time to persuade the boy, especially due to the bushy haired female that the boy tended to hang out with. The boy never wanted to just be himself when around his friends; the snarky boy that Riddle heard within the writings made to the entity in the diary.

Finally, Riddle just decided to try to take over the boy with force. He shoved at the small mental hold that he already had and he felt something shift, but he still couldn't take over the body. The boy agreed to help Riddle kill the roosters, though, so Riddle didn't try it again.

Harry crept out in the dark of night, avoiding being caught with the use of his invisibility cloak. All he needed was a shoe phone, Harry mused to himself as he inched along the walls. Really, he could have just walked down the hall like a regular person, especially with the silencing charm that Riddle had taught him, but that wasn't playing a super spy, now was it?

Outside in the partial moonlight, Harry had to be just a bit more careful, but he still could have walked at a normal pace rather than zigzagging through the shadows. Still, he made it down to Hagrid's hut without any trouble. Most of the animals were asleep and Harry had a brief moment of uncertainty as he stared at Hagrid's wooden hut, but Riddle had promised to show him something cool if he did this, so Harry shoved those thoughts away.

He crept over to the chicken coops in the back of the small area, ignoring the chicken coops nearest to Hagrid's hut, and he cast his spell. Immediately the chicken coops went up in a woosh of fire. The animals started screaming as their feathers caught on fire and Harry ran as fast as he could over to the Quidditch fields. It was there that he was able to silently laugh as he watched the flaming dots run around the yard. The teachers flooded the area within minutes as Hagrid sent the alarm up and Harry went back to Hogwarts as soon as the small dots of light started disappearing.

"I told you to kill the roosters," Riddle hissed within his mind, "and I told you to do it quietly!"

"But this was cooler," Harry mentally shot back, "so now you must show me the cool thing that you said you were going to show me!"

"I told you to kill the roosters and the roosters aren't dead!" Riddle exclaimed.

"A rooster or two must be dead," Harry answered as he thought about it, "therefore you should show me the cool thing."

"Two roosters do not equal all of the roosters." Riddle pouted within Harry's mind, although Harry was sure that Riddle would deny it if Harry brought it up.

"I'm going to keep bugging you until you show me," Harry pointed out.

"You're going to have to wait a bit; they're going to be on the alert since you set the chickens on fire!" Riddle shouted the last part.

Harry shrugged. "Last year a troll attacked and they only patrolled for two days before relaxing."

"A troll attacked?" Riddle blinked at the idea.

"My arch-nemesis was after me," Harry answered as he slipped into the common room without the Fat Lady noticing. Riddle had questioned him when he had left the portrait door open an inch when he left to go kill the roosters. Of course, the entity had planned on making the deaths seem like a wild animal attack, not a pyromaniac's attack.

"No wonder you are insane," Riddle muttered back. Harry happily hummed as he made his way up to the dorm room. Harry slipped into bed and fell right asleep, leaving Riddle to ponder over the reason why he couldn't gain control over Harry. He finally decided that it was because the boy was insane and that affected the hold that he could get over the boy's mind. Sometimes the entity wished that one of the other people within Harry's party could have gotten the diary. Even that silly red headed boy would be better than the pyromaniac that he was currently with. Still, there was nothing he could do about it now.