They say you write the best when you are on your lowest. If I could I'd take my hat off and salute to them, letting them know how right they are.

I am writing this story to sort things out in my own life. To make a happy ending where I can't find my own. So, even if this story seems sad and devastating it won't be. I mean… guys… Jane/maura = mfeo. We all know that… tamaro knows that… every pal in the world knows it.

I hope you'll take that journey with me and I can't wait to read what you think about it.

Always you

Prologue

The day Maura Isles told me she is in a relationship a part of me died.

I remember it clearly, and I can see it right before my eyes, every fucking single time I close my eyes. And just because I felt my heart break in this moment and ever since it did not mend.

Maybe it stroked me with such an ungracious force, because I did not see it coming. And I should have. I should have seen it coming, every step on the way and every passing corner.

Maura Isles is the most beautiful and kind women I've ever met. She is… intelligent, in such a sweet and geeky way, affectionate with every thing she does, passionate and… perfect.

There's only one word describing what Maura Isles is… and for me it is… perfect. And surely I would not remain the only person sensing that. Everyone could see it simply by laying eyes on her.

So I should have seen it coming… but I didn't. I couldn't, because my eyes were on her, and only here, the whole time. I was falling in love with her before I even knew it and I really believed that she felt the same. I was so stupid to believe that we were moving in the same direction, slowly… but with such a force, neither of us could deny it. But I guess I was wrong.

On a Friday she told me, with a sparkle in her eyes I have seen so many times before. But this time it wasn't me causing her happiness.

She told me she met him at a charity gala the evening before. She has seen him many times before, thinking how attractive he is, but never able to make a move. And then there's a big blur. She can't even tell me how the rest of the evening went. The only thing she knows is that they drank wine, maybe one glass to much, and when they left… together… they were a couple. And of course he spent the night with her.

Right and there I wanted to throw up and never leave my bathroom floor.

But I stood still, listening to her beautiful and excited voice and to my heart slowly breaking.

But I stood still, trying my best to remain up straight, trying my best to smile her way and be the best friend I could be right now. But we weren't best friends anymore… the last weeks and months we have been so much more… clearly it hasn't been enough…

You know the thing with such a relationship… such a friendship is that it is really hard to wear a mask and not let them see through your real emotion. Maura is the first person who knew me that well, every single part of me, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful and with that she exactly knew when I was wearing a mask, when I was lying. Usually I did not mind. In secret it made me feel safe and… loved… knowing she'd always be there with me, knowing how exactly I felt, no words needed. And other times she'd push me whenever she thought it was needed because I was withdrawing again.

But this night it was the worst that could happen to me.

She asked me what was wrong with me, why I looked so pale and shocked.

"I'm fine." I said. Lying straight into her face. I was far away from being fine, at all.

Of course she wouldn't believe me, so I tried another lie.

"I guess it's just a shock, coming so… spontaneous. I just have to get used to the idea of my best friend in a relationship. I mean who do I spend the evenings after a case with? I'll be lost with the guys at the bar!"

And then she pushed, like she always did when my truth wasn't enough for her. Because it wasn't true enough.

And suddenly, I don't know when exactly and how, but she suddenly stood before me, telling me all the things I always wanted to hear.

She told me that usually she was over thinking every relationship in her life and this time it felt right to be spontaneous.

Crack.

She told me that she knew that we had feelings for each other. Come on, ever one could see it, sense it, feel it… whatever.

She told me that partly she wanted to be with me, but she couldn't. Out of many reasons… one of them clearly was that she wasn't gay. It was better, remaining at what we were good at. Being best friends.

Another crack.

I tried the best smile I could muster, even though I felt like crying. I nodded, and then she hugged me, like nothing she told me before mattered and I swear my whole body burned when she touched me. Painfully.

I told her that I was tired after such a long day. Another lie. Another crack.

She looked at me, confused, but accepted it either way and secretly I believe this time she didn't want to know. It was better this way. She decided, for both of us.

This night I did not sleep. This night I almost tore my apartment down while I was crying.

How could she do that? How could she decide about our future without me? And how, over all, could she tell me that she has, had, still has feelings for me and still walk out and walk back to him?

Some people believe that not acting on your feelings will make them go away and disappear like they've never been there before. Maybe Maura did this because so often she was so rational about everything. But love, love isn't like a chemical formula and if it's not right you change is, you make it go away. It wasn't for me.

And since this night I ask myself why I let someone else take my place when we both felt the same way about each other. I ask myself, every single night I lay awake, why I did not act on my feelings before it was too late and I know the answer… I was scared that I'd loose our friendship and that I'd loose her in the end when something went wrong… but… now it felt like I've lost everything. Our friendship and the chance of something more.

…

Tbc… if you like…