Well, Hello 2021! What better way to ring in this new era with a little update (cheers) and also celebrating 10 years since the first chapter post.
Certainly did not anticipate this longevity, but, hey, that's half the fun sometimes. Roll with the waves an navigate accordingly.
The great news, this story is not abandoned :) And thank you to those who have kept up and those of you just starting.
With that, let's just dive right in.
xXx
Do my eyes see enough can they spot my enemies
Can my tongue taste truth, can it say just what my heart means
Do my palms stay dry, can they grip what I need
Our legs they were tangled like the roots to a great tree
xXx
Present Day
"Here, try these! Not exactly your size…but sweaters are meant to look roomy and cozy sometimes, you know?"
Jean walked across the expansive suite-like space, grabbing articles of clothing along the way.
Jean and Scott's new space was now situated in the west wing of the mansion. Xavier had renovated the entire west wing a few years back, excluding some continuing modifications as they reassessed upgrades, making it perfect for the older/senior institute inhabitants and especially those that found themselves working at the school such as Scott and Jean.
And now, of course, the bonus of the expanded living situation was that it was spacious enough for their newest little addition, Rachael.
Rogue had followed Jean as directed and she watched as her once former housemate weaved through the sleek and spacious environment. Jean handed Rogue a few retrieved pieces of clothing and continued to scavenge for more.
"Thanks, Jean," Rogue said with genuine appreciation. The opportunity to be in a different environment that was simple, fresh…just truly uncomplicated… was calmness to her insides, if only for a short while.
"No problem—and if you are not feeling any of these pieces, just check out the closet—or that bottom drawer down there— it has some athleisure-wear that might suit you."
Rogue watched as Jean continued to move with ease while grabbing some articles of clothing out of the one dresser drawer. Rogue sat at the edge of Jean and Scott's king bed, letting the softness of this new environment engulf her awareness.
Turning her head, Rogue looked towards the mirror that was attached to Jean's vanity. Similar to her own mirror at the apartment, photographs decorated the outline of the mirror. Moments in time captured through the years. One photograph was of Jean and Scott, beaming, while a new born Rachael was cradled. Jean was in her hospital gown while cheeks were flushed red. But the glow radiated off both parents.
She felt a deep pull, her insides tightening.
She immediately pulled her focus from the photo to the center of the mirror where she was met with her reflection. She drank in her features, taking in every edge, point and curve.
"…Ah can do this, you just have to give me a little time, Ah can handle this."
"Maybe this is the first time in a year where you actually let yourself process what happened to you."
Logan's words rang prominently in her head, and with their most recent exchanges, they were pleading at the forefront for her attention.
"…there is a place for you here. If all this…if all this is too much and if it is getting to you, we're here. They just renovated the room in the west wing and I think you should take it."
She lightly rubbed her head wishing the past 24 if not 48 hours had all been a dream from the deep.
How could it possibly have escalated this much in a mere day?
'What am Ah going to do?'
Rogue was snapped out of her churning thoughts when she felt Jean sit next to her on the bed. Rogue shifted her gaze to Jean who had little zip-up make-up bag resting on her lap.
"Rough night? You really look like you didn't sleep at all," Jean speculated while unzipping the bag.
"Yeah, you could say that." Rogue admitted, clearly out of combative fuel.
"Here," Jean gestured for Rogue to come closer, and whether it was auto pilot or not having enough fight in her left to question or decline, Rogue inched a little closer.
"I'll do your makeup, I should be able to blend a little bit to get your tone, then just a tiny mascara and blush to give it a finish…" Jean took out a bottle of concealer from the bag and then placed a tiny dab on her finger. She gingerly started to place the make-up on Rogue's face.
Rogue watched Jean's features as she worked away.
Jean worked with intent and gentleness.
After Rachael was born, Rogue noticed a shift in Jean, she was more at peace and developed this new aspect of protection and care.
Perhaps it was the motherly instinct?
Motherly.
Rogue and Remy never truly had that talk. Jokes and lighthearted remarks at times about a family would make its way into conversations at times. It was never off the table per say…however, it was never discussed in depth or explored.
Rogue's memory began to sharpen, thinking back to a year ago… Jean had still been pregnant when Remy left, Rachael herself was only just 7 months old now.
After her miscarriage, Rogue did not even in the least expect for it to hurt so much when she saw Jean. She never could have prepared for the wave of devastation that hit when they spent time together after Remy's departure. Not out of jealousy, not out of anger…but the "what-if's" that would creep in to her mind. The hurt of her own trauma came in deep drowning waves.
"What's on your mind?" Jean inquired as she blended in some of the make-up on Rogue's face.
"What?"
"You look miles away," Jean replied.
"You can talk if you want, it's been a long time since it's just been me and you, you know?" Jean said while brushing some powder on top of her concealing handy work.
She was right…with the way Rogue had been hopping around and with Rachael's arrival, it had been a long while since it was just the two of them together, taking a moment to exist and just be.
Rogue pushed a piece of hair behind her ear. Appreciating the gentle and genuine approach to the inquiry, Rogue earnestly replied to Jean's inquiry.
"It's…it's, honestly just been an unbelievable 24 hours. But Ah'm okay. Now Ah'm just exhausted and tapped out if anything."
Jean nodded, and dug out a small mascara wand.
"Yeah, it looked like you and Logan had been going at it about something." She started, gesturing Rogue to look up so she could apply the mascara precisely.
Rogue let out a tired sigh… "going at it about something" was a very diplomatic and nice way to put it.
"How much did you hear?"
"Not much to be honest, I didn't even realize it was you he was talking to," She admitted while applying the mascara. "Just something about the west wing."
"Right," Rogue breathed, thinking of Logan's proposal to move back "Logan has been pushing the opportunity to move back… with everything that happened last year…and now with Kitty moved out, well…you know, just, everything." Rogue admitted alluding to the past year which was no secret to anyone that had watched her struggle after Remy's departure.
Jean nodded, remembering those first few months well.
"Would you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Move back here."
"Ah don't know to be honest."
"Well, speaking as someone who has majorly extended their stay here, it's been working out pretty well." Jean admitted while brushing a strand away from Rogue's face.
Rogue gave a slight smile at Jean's comment.
"And I bet the offer still stands with Xavier, having you come back to work with the new students in combat training and even teach some lit courses." Jean added.
Rogue remembered having that conversation a few years back with the Professor.
At that time she made the choice to take a shot at "the real world" to have a fresh start in a sense. The Professor was very supportive, however he would always make sure the offer and opportunity was known. She had wanted to a a lull, a beat, just if anything, to take a shot at normalcy.
'Normal.'
Thump, thump, thump.
Rogue felt a sharp and familiar pulsating sensation strike, she winced pulling back from Jean slightly.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah…yeah, just something got in my eye." She made to gently rub her right eye, noticing that this wave passed as quickly as it came. They were becoming more sporadic.
"Okay…but you know you can totally nap or lay down if you wanted," Jean offered.
Rogue shook her head and waved her hand in reassurance.
"Ah'm not sure if Ah can." Rogue admitted.
"Sure you can, you're not putting us off if you want to sleep in here—"
"No, not that, back to what you said, Ah'm not sure Ah can move back here, work here…live here." Rogue stated bringing their conversation back to flow.
"Oh, right," Jean acknowledged, continuing to make-up her friends face.
The was a few second of silence as Jean continued to dab and brush away.
"He cares about you, you know."
"What?"
"Logan. He's always had a soft spot for you. I think he see's some of himself in you."
Rogue's gaze fell downward, her brows knitting together. Her thoughts began to spin, a swirl of voices all trying to make themselves known while she felt a deep sorrow on how much her pain and inner traumas had caused concern to spike in the people who cared for her and her wellness.
'You gotta speak up kid, fight back, stop hiding—'
'Never wanted t' push y' or hurt y' chere—'
'I vish you vould have told us, we can help—'
Thump, Thump, Thump, Thump
"Ah thought taking some space would have made it easier…" Rogue began, the past year if not few years all mixing together bit by bit.
Jean stopped for a moment and observed her friend, Rogue looked depleted and she knew that her friend was selfless and had a complex to have others worry. For as long as she had known her, Rogue would always try to do things by herself.
"Yeah…I get that, trust me." Jean replied, compassionately. "But to be honest…we were all kind of worried… still kind of are at times. You are, like, part of our family and we notice things."
"Ah'm okay, really—"
"Rogue, I'm a telepath, but I don't have to be a telepath to realize either something happened or you are in crash and burn mode…I can sense something, and the past couple weeks it's just been becoming a little more evident," Jean started, her tone still gentle.
"Remember, you and I have had similar episodes in the past…I mean, think of our teen years. I don't know of many others who have experienced overflowing thoughts, psyches or just inner control eroding faster than we can repair it." Jean shared, reminding her friend of how raw and terrifying those moments were upon first experience.
"But you know, I'd never invade your personal thoughts, or cross a line like that…I'm just, you know, extra tapped in." She said while giving her temple a light tap for emphasis. "So, if you need to talk, just know that you can."
Rogue was silent for a moment. Her gaze went downward. A year's worth of keeping to herself and "handling it" fresh on her mind, and major confrontations with Remy, Logan and hell even Kitty…truth be told she did not have it in her to dive much deeper today.
Logan was right.
She had not let herself process what happened a year ago and pushed it all aside, and it all felt like it was happening for the first time.
The events of last year fresh on her mind, Rogue took the opportunity to talk.
"Actually…" Rogue breathed as she placed her hands on her lap and began to twist her one silver ring. "Can Ah ask you something?"
"Definitely," Jean replied in a calm even manner, encouraging her friend to continue.
Rogue thought back to the photo of the Jean, Scott and newborn Rachel before continuing in her own calm and even tone.
"Was…was Rachael planned?"
Jean furrowed her brow at first, not expecting this question. She lightly brushed a small amount of blush to Rogue's cheeks, giving her face more life than it had just hours before.
"Rachael?"
"Yeah. Were you, like, a little bit aware, or did it just happen and catch you by surprise?"
"Oh, well…honesty, no." Jean admitted thinking back to those days. "No, we weren't aware and it was a total surprise."
"I mean, don't get me wrong, Scott and I talked about kids, but it was honestly just that, talk. We were still pretty much newly married, and even though we had been together awhile before that, it was still surprising that it just happened so fast."
Rogue's memory thrust her back in the ER, the hospital room flashed before her eyes, the diagnosis and the sensation of her insides tightening.
Rogue kept her eyes downward as Jean continue to work at an even and careful pace.
"Were you scared?"
"Definitely," Jean admitted "But…you know, Scott was great. Made sure I knew I wasn't alone. That in and of itself was huge."
Rogue nodded, looked up and watched as Jean added her last touches. Once complete, Jean tossed her tools in the make-up bag and zipped it closed.
She stood up, looking at Rogue, that same kind and even look that she held regularly and, almost, just almost, knowingly said, "It's a great thing to be reminded that you are never alone…" Jean looked directly at her friend, gaze not breaking, "And you're not alone, promise."
Rogue gave a weak smile in response.
"All done," Jean stated, referring to Rogue's made-up face. "It's nothing crazy, just a little light and color to add some life back in your features. I know what sleepless nights are like too, though mine are from a little baby with big lungs. But the little things like fresh made-up face help so much."
Rogue nodded in agreement.
"Thank you…really, Ah appreciate it." Rogue pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail "Ah'll be okay. It was a long night…and Ah had to face some things I wasn't ready to face, still not ready if Ah am being honest."
Jean nodded, in understanding, but not knowing fully what took place or what lied ahead. All she knew was her friend looked tired and this was the first one-on-one time they have had in awhile. And that the subject of discussion was nothing she would have anticipated.
"Well, I'm glad you are here," Jean said with a smile and put her make-up bag back on the vanity. "We miss you."
Rogue gave a light nod in appreciation before looking down and twisting her one silver ring around her finger once again.
"I'll give you some space and privacy to change, I'm going to go grab Rachael, but meet you down stairs? Scott already left this morning to meet a few new recruits for a quick training so he won't interrupt." Jean grabbed one of her long sweaters and pulled it on over her current outfit. "Borrow whatever you'd like! I'll see you down there, okay?"
With that, Jean walked out the door, closing it gently behind her.
And then, silence.
Rogue got up and walked towards the vanity, Jean was right, just a little extra light and color to add some life to what she was positive had been a depleted, drained and sunken face was a little thing but it made a noticeable difference.
"But…you know, Scott was great. Made sure I knew I wasn't alone. That in and of itself was huge."
Rogue closed her eyes. She wondered how, in that moment, was she so very deep that she could not see what was really happening before her eyes.
xXx
I grind my teeth in my sleep
When you're not next to me
I use up all of my feels
Until your lips break my seal
xXx
1 year earlier
"Chere, are you alright? Y' been in there a long time."
Remy knocked on the door awaiting a reply but the sound of running water was all he heard.
"Sometimes y' gotta just leave that long mane be, otherwise y' take up years and years workin' on them lovely locks." He joked lightly in hopes it would elicit some response.
She had looked pale that morning and he tried to get her to call in and take the day off for some rest, but it was a no go. She mumbled something about taking a shower or getting ready for the day and took over the bathroom.
This was the week…well he hoped this was the week. There was no reason for it not to be. In fact, tomorrow would be the day that he planned to propose.
He had it planned to a tee. And she would likely never see it coming.
But in order to propose he would need his girlfriend to be vertical, and well, beside him…and preferably not in a restroom facility with him on the other side of the door.
He knocked again, hoping he did not have to deal with a stubborn Rogue.
"Chere, come on, if y' don't answer I'm walkin' right on in there, whether you like it or not." He stated knowing it always riled her up when he would just waltz in without permission.
"Maybe we can have a repeat of the irritated towel chucking and shower charging one-on-one incident from last week." He said with a light chuckle in hopes it would merit a reply.
When he did not even get a retort or irritable "leave me alone" he started to get concerned.
He gave a few more raps on the door and a gentle "Rogue? C'mon girl."
When he was greeted with no reply once again, he turned the knob and opened the door.
He saw his girlfriend leaning over the toilet having just thrown up for what could have been the umpteenth time for all he knew based on how long that door had been closed, face still pale hair pulled back, loose strands sticking to her sweaty face and eyes watery from being sick after the constant and inadvertent purging.
"Jesus! Y' poor thing," Remy jolted to her side and held her up. "C'mere chere, I got you."
She hunched forward slightly and held her head in her hands while he held her steady.
"Well, now I feel like an ass makin' jokes outside the door while y' in here sick as hell," He admitted while pushing some strands away from her sweaty forehead.
He watched as she then raked the rest of the loose strands backwards. She then looked towards him and gave him a tired and helpless look.
"Sorry," she breathed in a raspy course tone.
"Don't be sorry, chere" He ran soothing circles on her back hoping he could help calm her exhausted state.
She took a few deep breathes and then was finally able to turn around fully to at face at him.
"Ah'm okay…I think it passed…" She told him tiredly.
"Man, I thought we made it home free without catching this from the others." He replied, referencing the big wave of sickness that took over the institute just about two weeks prior. A lot of the kids at the mansion had dropped like flies from the stomach flu. They both thought they were in the clear, but by the looks of it, Rogue got hit.
She nodded in agreement, he reached out to cradle her face and eyes knit together in concern.
"Chere y' really warm."
"Ah think it's just from all this throwing up."
"Y' should rest, or maybe even see a doctor? You have been looking not yourself all week."
"Ah really think it's just the stomach flu Rem, it's usually just bad 24rs, maybe 48hrs if it's what the others had."
"I know chere…just hate seein' you like this."
She did not reply, just leaned forward into him, allowing her body to take a moment to recoop. He looked up to the running faucet, realizing it had been running this whole time.
"Did you turn that on so that I wouldn't hear you?"
"Ah didn't want you to worry," she admitted, her forehead leaned up against his chest.
"Oh, yeah, because that would happen." He stated with an eye roll and then a mini-fake glare.
"No dice, chere. Always going to worry about you. Especially when you are lookin' like this."
She was about to retort but before any words could come out of her mouth, her eyes began to water, she covered her mouth and lunged for the toilet again.
Her throat felt raw, there was absolutely nothing left inside of her to come up and yet she continued to throw up. She cried out of discomfort and felt her boyfriend's arms support her from her behind and a gentle touch continued to massage her back.
"It's okay, it will be okay," He said over and over to help her through the wave of sickness.
Eventually the vomiting did cease and he could make out a small whimper.
"Oh, baby…" Remy continued to support her body.
As she made a movement to get up, he reached out to support her shaking body. She closed the lid to the toilet and took a seat so Remy was kneeled in front of her and they were at eye's length.
She looked at him and gave a half smile and sighed out of exhaustion.
"Sexy, right?" she joked in a weak voice.
"Oh yeah, so sexy." Remy said with a smile right back at Rogue.
He leaned in to kiss her on the forehead. Again his brows knit together.
"Oh, baby, y' really burning up." He breathed watching as she placed her head in her hands.
"God…My head is spinning…"
"Come on, chere, let me help you back to bed," He offered while rubbing the side of her arm gently. "You are not going anywhere…passing or not, y' can't go out like this. Y' light headed because y' can't keep food down and you're really weak."
Rogue nodded, knowing when to throw in the towel for now. She did not have much evidence working for her case today.
"Rem, Ah'll be okay, Ah'll go lay back down but you gotta head out. You're going to be late for your demo at the mansion, you have a full class with Logan." She reminded him while pushing back another loose stand of hair.
"Ain't goin' anymore." He said simply.
She gave a weak eye roll.
"You don't have to stay, Rem. Really—"
"I ain't leavin you alone, Rogue. Not like this. C'mon."
He helped her to her feet and held on to her waist securely.
"Roll your eyes all you want, but I'm stayin," He gave her a kiss on the side on her temple an began to lead her back to the bedroom
"Never goin' to leave you, Chere."
xXx
Lovely make me believe
All my love is real
Lovely make me believe
That others feel what I feel
xXx
Present Day
"How is she?"
"What? Oh! Fine, I think, she's just changing."
"How did she seem?"
"Just as she looked, tired—hey sweetie, come to mommy!"
Jean scooped Rachael up from the play blanket that was spread out nicely on the living room floor. Logan sat on the couch watching the red head reunite with her little one.
"Thanks, Logan." Jean said in appreciation.
"That kid is going to be the death of me," Logan said as he stood up rubbing his head.
"What? Rachael? Did she cry or something?"
Logan shook his head looking past Jean towards the staircase.
"Not that kid," He said gruffly. "Rogue."
"Yeah…she mentioned you guys were talking about her moving back."
"More like me talking and her resisting." He mumbled while pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes.
"Yeah, she said she doesn't know."
Logan opened his eyes and looked quizzically at Jean confused by her words.
"What do you mean 'doesn't know'? Did she say she was actually considering it?"
Jean picked up a toy from the blanket and handed it to Rachael as Logan waited impatiently for more intel.
"Oh gosh, I don't know. We didn't really get into that…oddly enough we didn't talk about that at all…" Jean trailed, her thoughts returning to Rogue's question about Rachael.
"It's actually…she actually ask about Rachael. About if Scott and I planned out having her or if I was scared." Jean said while brushing some of Rachael's peach fuzz off to the side.
Logan felt heavily for Rogue in that moment, knowing exactly where her head must have been at when asking that question.
Jean could sense Logan's concern grow, it emanated off him strongly.
Again, she felt as if there were pieces she was missing, and by the looks of it, Logan had more knowledge of her current state of being.
"Hey, I'm sure she'll be okay." She reassured with a half-smile. She then began to exit the living room leaving Logan behind with his thoughts.
"I want you to be right, Red," Logan breathed, sensing a shift and shake up on the horizon. "I hope you're right."
xXx
Take a dive from your head to your thighs, taste the dark side
Old delight and destiny, don't want you to be my used to be
We'll make believe we're kings and queens, Draculas and forest fiends
Rest my hands between your knees and make me want to scream
xXx
A big thank you to all you followers, and to those just starting! Let me now your thoughts and drop a review. Reviews, as you know, keep that energy going strong.
Song for this chapter was "Body parts" by Yoke Lore.
We have oh so much more to explore still. Jean and Rogue get a little deep dove time and we get a flashback of what some of those days were like one year ago leading to the infamous blow-out.
Til' next time!
-Lebs