Chapter 9

"Hey Calian wait up!"

Eren jogs up to his friend once they were all dismissed following the Commanders announcement. He takes a second to catch his breath, "Man, there're so many weirdos in the Scout Regiment! I'm sure glad you're gonna be with me!"

He chuckles, "The fact that there's weirder people than who we trained with is amazin in itself, but hey if it gets me to the Scouts, I'll deal with it."

Eren grins and pumps his fist in the air, "I can't believe it! It's been our dream to join them and it's already happening! It's not exactly how I pictured it but it suits me just fine. Soon we can finally take the fight back to the Titans!"

Calian scowls, "Especially that Armored Bastard!" he all but growls.

"By the way, I'm really still shocked Hanje picked you out personally. Nothing against you, but I would've thought Mikasa would be picked before everyone else."

The hint of bitterness in Eren's tone isn't missed by the Cadet, but he still has no energy to deal with it so he just lets it go. Instead he says, "Maybe she needs my temperament to deal with a hothead like ya."

Eren glares at the grinning teen, "Yeah… that's not funny."

"Yea it was!"

"You're the only one laughing." He points out.

"And? I'm my number one audience member!"

The titan shifter rolls his eyes. "Anyway, a lot of people are counting on me," he tightens his fist, "So I'm gonna give this my best shot! I don't know how long you'll be sticking around but it's good to be working with you."

Howlett takes a moment to wonder if Eren was being intentionally arrogant with that little comment. Normally he'd let it slide. But the exhaustion has him feeling a little petty today, "Soundin a bit overconfident for a guy who got himself eaten the first chance he got."

Eren scoffs, slightly offended, "That's not how it happened!"

Calian smirks and shrugs, "I dunno, from what Armin told me, ya basically flew into that titans mouth!"

"No I didn't!"

"Ya were like bullseye, in a game of 'let's NOT hit the bullseye'!"

Eren lets out a long suffering sigh, "Ok, I'll admit I deserved that… You done now?"

He raises his hands in peace, "ok ok fine, we'll call it a truce."

They walk in silence for a few more moments. And then,

"But man didya get your ass Whupped by Levi!"

"Goddammit Calian."

Dinner time in the Mess Hall

Dinner was somber this time around as noticeably, there was a large absence felt by the 104th Cadet Corp. Tables that were once full of talking and laughing friends now stand empty, making the void feel that much more noticeable. Calian fills his plate up with gruel and heads to the table where Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Sasha, and Jean are sitting. Sasha, despite having spent the last day cleaning up the corpse that littered the streets of Trost, ate with the same gusto she's known for, stopping for a second to smile at Calian, who can't help but chuckle at the sight of food covering her mouth and the near feral way she continued devouring her meal. Connie took a few bites but his eyes were far away, still teary eyed as they were when he watched the flames turn their comrades to ash. Jean couldn't look anyone in the eyes and Armin looked worried as he bit into his bread. Mikasa, she simply glanced at Calian cryptically before staring ahead. No doubt, she's thinking of Eren's wellbeing.

Calian sits next to Armin across from Sasha and starts eating his meal. It was an uncomfortable silence that he decided to break. "So… that was quite the shitshow."

Connie snorts humorlessly, "That's one way of putting it."

He puts down his spoon and takes a shaky breath, "you know, I-I said that I wanted to join the Scouts because I felt kinda inspired I guess. Like if we-I tried hard enough, we could do something, I don't know. But after all that… I don't think I want to see another Titan ever again."

No one says anything. Even Sasha stops eating because if she were to be honest with herself, she shares the same sentiment. Her body shivers involuntarily as she remembers the battle. The frightening sight of the Titan bearing down on her. Her hand shake s she realizes how close to death she was then. How many times they all almost died that day. And some did. She'll never be able to forget the sounds of bones crunching as the people she grew with were torn apart and eaten. It almost would've been her too. Suddenly she looks up to Calian who's focused on his food. If he hadn't have acted then, she'd be dead. He didn't even hesitate to jump in, he just did it. She remembers feeling so relieved when he struck it down like some guardian angel. And when he held her in his strong arms, she felt so safe, so warm, so—she shakes her head. Whoa! What was that?! Her cheeks heat up as her heart flutters from the memory, that's not something I should be thinking about right now!

Connie hesitantly looks to Calian. "hey Cal… you-you think I'd be a coward if I joined the Military Police instead?"

No everyone is confused, none more than Calian himself who wonders, "Why're ya askin me that?"

Connie pointedly looks away and shrugs his shoulders, "You and Eren always talked about being in the Scouts and how you'd kill all the Titans. Hell Eren's froths in the mouth whenever anyone even hints at going to the MP's. I just, I don't know I wondered if you or anyone would think less of me if I did."

Taken Aback, howlett opens and closes his mouth several times but can't find the words. He feels everyones but Connie's eyes on him. "Connie… have I ever done or said anything to make ya feel I'd think less of any of ya?"

"Well… no."

"You, all of ya, you're my friends. And I care for ya, deeply I do. And I respect ya'll just as much. I respect your choices no matter what they are. Up until Trost I thought ya were goin to the MP's and I didn't give a shit. I still won't now. And if I'm allowed to be selfish, I'd rather not lose anyone else. So if ya want to go to the MP's, ya got my blessings, not that ya ever needed it."

They all share a small laugh, a much needed laugh. Connie himself looks like a weight has lifted from his shoulders. Jean exhales deeply, "Hey, Calian… Can I talk to you privately please?"

"Uhh sure."

The two make their way out the mess hall and walk to the Barracks. Jean closes the door behind him rubs his sweaty hands nervously against his jacket. Calian crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. "Ya gonna tell me what ya wanted to talk about?"

Jean's chin quivers a bit and his voice is shaky, "I-I wanted to apologize."

'For what?"

"Mikasa told me about how they used my report against you in court. I'm sorry."

"That? Come on Jean ya know people been worried about me for years, it's nothing new."

"No it's not nothing!" Jean yells, stunning his tall friend.

"The hell's gotten into ya?"

A tear trails down Jeans face, "I didn't understand it, until now. All this time, I knew why you and Eren were angry, but I never understood it until now."

He raises his hand, still seeing the ashes. "Marco—Marco's dead. And I don't even know how it happened, no one did! No one was there." His voice cracks in the last words.

Calians heart breaks at seeing his normally confident friend breakdown like this. He feels his eyes watering as well as the dam holding the raw emotions from Thomas and Mina's death begins to break. "I feel angry and and and so FUCKING POWERLESS!"

Jean brings his hands to his ears tightly, like hes trying to keep his head from blowing up. Calian can do nothing but stand there as his friend vents to him. "I never should've said that I thought you went crazy. Cause you weren't, this is what you've been feeling since Shinganshina, this-this is what you felt with Thomas and Mina. Isn't it?"

Calian sniffles and nods his head, "I'm sorry Calian! I'm so sorry!"

Jean falls to his knees, his hands on his face as he sobs. Calian sniffles but calmly reaches for his friend and places a comforting hand on his shoulder. Jean bloodshot and wet eyes meet Calians. "Ya got nothing to apologize to me for Jean."

Jean tries to smile but just breaks down into another crying fit. Calian comforts him as best he can, as time goes on, Jeans cries begin to die down. Checking to see if he's good to stand, Calian supports his friend and helps him to take a seat on a nearby bed. Seeing Jean break down has left Calian at his shatter point as well. He makes for the door but Jean stops him. "I-I need to know… Does it ever get better?"

Calian shakes his head, "No. But it gets easier to live with."

Jean looks down at the floor in acceptance. "I'm sorry if it's not what ya wanted to hear."

"It's what I needed."

Calian grunts and leaves the Barracks. He checks to see if the coast is clear and begins sprinting into the forest. He runs faster and faster, his tears streaking his face as he follows the path that'a been burned into his memories for the past 3 years. The one spot he's gone too that gives him the seclusion and peace he desperately needs right now. Finally he reaches the Cliffside overlooking the forest and calm lake waters. The same Cliffside he's eaten secret dinners with Sasha, same Cliffside he went to with Reiner and Bertholt. He falls to all fours, his massive hands digging into the dirt. This was his breaking point. He shouts, shouts out all the pain he felt. He beats the ground with his fists. He sobs and wails as the images of Mina crashing into the wall flashes to his mind, the way her head lolled to the side lifelessly. The horribly distorted body of his best friend Thomas and his painfilled final moments.

The powerlessness and despair he felt as the two people he felt closest to died. And he's still alive. Again he's the one to survive while the people he loves have died. Why? Why did it have to be them? Mina, she was too good too pure to have had her life snuffed out like this. She had so much love to give, kindness that she gave to everyone freely. Thomas, loyal Thomas who never hesitated to be there for people whether they liked him or not. Who was afraid yet brave enough to fight through it. And I was the useless fuck who just stood like an idiot and watched them die. It should've been me godammit! It should've been me.

He continues sniffling. Periodically wiping tears off his face when he heard a rustle behind him and turned. Sasha stood a few feet a way, her hands holding something to her chest and she took a step back as she realizes she's been caught so quickly. "H-Hey."

He sniffs and looks away, embarrassed being caught crying. "Hey Sasha."

She slowly walks to him until she's by his side. He looks up and she hesitates and opens her hands. In them is a potato. He watches curiously as she rips the potato in half and holds one out to him, "I'm-I'm not really good at talkin' bout feelin's so here."

Calian slowly reaches out and takes ahold of the split potato and stares at it then her. She looks at him nervously as he slowly starts laughing. He laughs louder and louder, new tears coming down but this time from his happiness. "A-Are you ok? I'm sorry this was stupid I just didn't know what else to do I—"

Calian gets up and quickly brings her into an embrace. "It's perfect Darlin, thank you. I really mean it."

Her heart begins to hammer again at being in his embrace, but the sound of his powerful heart comforts her so much. She just smiles and returns the embrace, "Yere welcome."

Calian smiles wider as he notices that she didn't realize that she's allowed her accent to seep through. He says nothing because if he were honest, ever since he first heard it 1 year ago, he's always liked it. It suits her and if were being honest with himself. He thought it was kinda cute. But he won't admit it. For now he just enjoys the hug, a voice sounding suspiciously like Mina in his head pointing out how well she fits into his arms.

Authors Note: Hello! I hope you don't mind the short chapter, i didn't feel like this needed that much to it because i wanted some time where Calian actually talks to his friends, which is what the next 2 or 3 chapters will focus on. His relationships and friendships.

That also brigns me to another question. I've been wondering whether i should kinda go back and add more chapters with the cadets as they train, to add a little more foundation to their friendships. I'm still planning on having chapters like that as time goes on, but i can't help but feel like maybe i should've dedicated more time before the battle of Trost. I'm not sure but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it. Also if anyone has any constructive criticisms i'd love to hear them, just no insults or any of that, i get enough of them in my private messages.

Anyway, i hope you enjoy the short chapter, till next time guys!