A/N: MISS ME GUYS?! I'm working almost daily and I feel like crap, as to that effect. But nevertheless, despite this pesky little hiccup-I wanted to get word out any way I could, and since for some strange reason the site is being buggy, I wasn't able to work on this anywhere near as much as I would've liked. Still...so many reviews!
I love you guys so much! *Cries*
Now, this chapter might be a bit confusing consider I haven't done something like this in awhile. With good reason! My job has been beating the living hell out of my as of late! This was REALLY had to write with being tired from work; exhausting, actually. But I'm proud of it, and I hope you enjoy it as I finally get some rest.
This story was birthed from the idea that came from watching Batman: Assault on Arkham. Needless to say, it gave me quite a few idea. Classic movie. Funny, too. Wish we had more like it. Beautiful women, great acting, and did I mention the women? Harley had me in stitches, Killer Frost, and even the glimpse of the lovely Poison Ivy that we were given. And then, then I thought to myself, now what if I did something with this?
So a poll was held, votes were tallied. Three fics were created, and this one of them! I got so many damn votes on the thing that I had to reset the poll and start over! Naturally, being the lord of insipid, happy, silly endings that I am, I decided to do go with this first. Now, after a brutal round of Winter Storm Thor...
...happy belated spring! Sorry if its short, but hey, I'm back, folks! And as to how Naruto got here in the first place? Easy. Reality/The Universe as a whole seems to be broken almost every other day in this show; small wonder he popped up! And yes, a few changes have been made...WARNING! LOOOOOTS of language and crazy in this chapter! And to those who dislike Amanda Waller as much as I did in the flick...rejoice!
...I'm bashing the living hell out of that fat fucking whale! Fair warning tho, if you haven't seen the movie Batman: Assault on Arkham, you're gonna be REALLY confused...
"What can I say? I LIKE loco...
~?
Crazy
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
Words spoken by a great man. Untrue words. Lies, lurid and false. They say a mind is a terrible thing to loose. Hmmph. Let me ask you something, friend. What is a mind? A few cells forming your brain? Your soul? Do you even know? Do you, really? For me, a mind is...you. Yourself. That undeniable thing that makes you, you, different-unique, unlike the rest. That is very hard to loose, but it can be done under certain circumstances, certain conditions, certain times. A mind is a terrible thing to loose, they say? I disagree with that statement.
I think a mind is a wonderful thing to loose.
Think about it for a moment. What ties us down? Our mind. Our very self.
From the moment we are born morality is drilled into us. You cannot lie. You cannot steal. You cannot kill. You cannot, cannot, cannot give into your base nature-no matter how tempting it might seem. You cannot beat the ever-loving shit out of someone for looking at your woman. You cannot kill that mother fucker for insulting you. You cannot tear that no-good-piece-of-shit bastard to pieces for laying a hand on your little girl, oh no, because that would be wrong. Cutting his balls off, chopping him into small, bite sized pieces, that would be wrong...
...
...
...
...ah, but I digress.
As you can see, I was like that once; bound by those epithets, by what I thought was right. But did they save me? My friends? My family? They did not. I watched them die. Saw my world burn, consumed by the fires of insanity. It was then as I stood in the blood of a Goddess-then the man I once called friend-as their blood sluiced down my fingers, into my veins, became a part of me, that I realized something.
Sanity is death.
And when you can't die? When you live forever? Well, sanity slips away that much more swiftly. Time passes you by and you're forgotten, all your deeds, all your works, turning to dust before your eyes. Its only natural I lost my godamn mind after the first century. Life was...decidedly easier after that. Messier, too. Probably why I'm penning this as a record. Just in case my madness actually DOES get me killed. I've had an eternity to master these new gifts, and on occasion, even used them.
After all, with all these super-powered nutjobs running around nowadays, who knows what could happen?
Unfettered by the bonds of sanity, one can do all manner of things. One feels no remorse. Almost no empathy. Because you see, dear reader in this story, the story of my life...
...insanity can lead you to all sorts of places.
The apartment was decidedly spartan, containing little more than the most basic of necessities.
A toilet, bath, sink, and bed.
He sat upon the latter, legs folded neatly beneath his body, his eyes shut tight. Still as death. Only the occasional rise-and-fall of his chest signified life, a motion so slight it might not have even been there but for a light sigh of a sound accompany each breath. The man glanced up as the door whooshed open, sliding back into its frames with an audible click-click-clack. The form of a large -very large- dark-skinned, heavyset woman in a blue coat-dress entered his sanctums seconds later, accompanied by a pair of guards.
Moments after that, the folder landed in his lap.
"I have an assignment for you."
Blue/Red eyes fluttered open in the dark, one round, the other slitted. "Oh? And what gives the Whale the right to ask something of me at this hour?" In the dim light, one could see the faintest outline of a head, spiked hair, and a pair of broad shoulders. He shifted slightly, a breeze from the open window carrying the faint scent of sulfur with him. This wasn't a prison, she reminded herself. God, this was where he lived.
"Well?" he asked again. "What do you want this time, Whale?"
"Must you call me that?"
Amanda Waller furiously fought down a flush at the mere mention of her nickname. He dished them out like party favors; both to those he loved and hated. The former were in short supply. The latter? He had no end of them. Small wonder why.
"Listen here you fucking whale," his words were a growl, a slow moving avalanche, threatening to bury her. "I'll do as I damn well please. Now tell me what you want before I stop being so nice."
"It's a simple in-and-out, nothing more." she replied. "You'll be paid accordingly."
"Into Arkham." Laughter followed those words. "Fifty-million upfront, and another fifty when I finish." When, not if.
Waller bristled. How did he know?! She refused to let it show.
"Ten, Naruto."
A lighter snatched away the darkness, its flame touching to a cigarette.
"Whaaat, ten ta babysit another bunch of brats?" words mingled with smoke. "Not interested. I'm here because I want to be, remember? You pay me millions to do you dirty work, and, in exchanged, I don't feed you to the sharks. That was our deal. So, then, let me ask you this," The dark figure rose, those eerie, mismatching eyes following-watching-her like a predator would a prey. "How much do you value your life?" She refused to flinch beneath that stare. The slightest twitch might be interpreted as weakness and if it was, well...she wouldn't live long enough to find out.
"Forty." she argued, refusing to back down. "I won't go any higher-
His hand lashed out, blindingly fast.
"Urk!" The left most guard had time for little more than as strangled grunt as clawed fingers closed around his throat, slamming him down into the wooden floor. Waller shrank backwards, startled by the sudden ferocity unfolding before her eyes. The whiskered warrior laughed. In the next instant, the poor guard perished, his body shriveling to little more than a mummified husk in the man's grasp. A twitch of his wrist and he collapsed into the ground, his mouth frozen in a rictus of dry, rotting terror.
"Hmm." the blond murmured as he stood, idly regarding the corpse at his feet. "Looks like the olde' scorch release still works just fine. Now, lets try-
Bullets pattered harmlessly off his back, silencing him as the remaining guard opened fire with his assault. There was a silence. Naruto sighed, turning slowly.
"That wasn't very nice," he remarked, glancing down at the tattered remains of his jacket. "I do believe you killed my favorite coat."
The poor sod blubbered like a fish out of water.
"B-But how?!"
"Oh, don't look so upset." he crooned, smiling. "I hardened my skin. Your turn now. Burn."
One of his eyes changed, and the remaining guard burst into a cloud of black flames. Shrieking, he clawed at himself, desperately trying to pat himself down, paw off the flames searing him. She knew at once that he'd no chance of success; those flames couldn't be put out unless their master willed it. A moment later, he too, was gone.
"Was that really necessary?"
"Yup."
Naruto chuckled as the flames faded; it was a deep, throaty sound, and it made her want to run for the hills.
"Well, now that the riff-raff is dead, why don't we get back to business." he purred. "I believe the starting price was one hundred million, each?"
"You said it was fifty."
"And it was." he nodded sagely. Then those eyes turned stormy. "Then you went and decided to play queen bitch. So now its one hundred. Do I hear two? I could always go pay the President a visit; surely he'd love to hear about all the power plays you're making. And trying to run for election yourself this year, tsk, tsk, tsk." a finger wagged in chastisement. "Such a naughty girl."
Waller clenched her jaw. Damn him. Damn him to the pits of hell.
There was a good reason he held the namesake of "End" after all. You pissed him off, he wiped you from existence. Simple as that. They were still finding body parts from his last mission in Metropolis. It wasn't his first, either. He'd been a part of the organization long before her time, and Waller still wasn't quite sure who-or what-he rightly was. He claimed to be here simply because he "enjoyed getting paid to fuck shit up" if his words could be believed. She did know one thing, however.
She was fucking terrified of him.
"I'm waiting." Fangs flashed in the gloom.
"Fine." She wilted, visibly sagging into herself. "One hundred on both ends."
"Good girl." He nodded. "Now, show me who I'll be working with."
"Who said anything about-
"Waller."
She retrained a grimace, smiled, and retrieved the folder from the bed. "Oh, I think you'll like this one."
"Hmm?"
"I believe you mentioned having a thing for blonde's."
There was a distinct pause.
"I do."
Waller fished out a photo from the file and showed him said picture."Well, then you're going to love her." She stepped back as he snatched it out of her hand, his bright eyes appraising the figure within. After a very long moment, he started to laugh.
Uzumaki Naruto grinned.
"Yahtzee."
"Aah, crap! Not this again!"
Harley groaned aloud, pigtails whirling as she flopped back to the white metal deck with a dull thud. Yup, this crap again! She'd known it the moment she came to; the moment her bleary, drugged mind realized where they-she!-had awoken. Part of her longed to go back to sleep, pretend it was all a dream. Anywhere else, and she might've done just that.
But the cool metal greeting her head, that dull, incessant, pounding throb-throb-throb of her temples and aching neck, said otherwise. She wouldn't be dreaming again anytime soon. Then again, just about anythin' was better than dreamin' about that no good Mista J again...it even reminded her of those god-awful missions-
"Good moooooooooorning, maggots!" a rough voice barked. "Welcome to bootcamp!"
Somewhere out of sight, Deadshot groaned. "Great, this guy again...and he's already killed one."
"KGBeast, right?" Captain Boomerang muttered, glancing at the bloody skull trapped beneath a boot. "Poor blighter. Got 'im in his sleep. Never stood a chance...
Wait wait wait wait! Who? What When? Who died?! And why did I miss it?!'
Harley's body jerked upright instinctively, mind racing. Her eyes snapped towards the noise, widening slightly.
Harsh, mismatching eyes stared back at her from a whiskered visage, framed by wild blond bangs that looked as though they belonged on some sort of crazy alien creature, not a man. He wore a dapper black and grey trench coat over an equally outlandishly orange tu. And there, on his back-mother of god!-was a massive sword that looked like it could easily chop Bane's head off and keep going.
But it was that smile, not the big butcher knife, not even face, that drew Harley in. It was the smile. It...captivated her. He was looking at them as though they were pieces of meat, and he, a hungry shark. And one of them had already fallen prey to him.
With King Shark in the room, the irony wasn't lost on her.
"For those of you wondering who I am, name's Naruto." His boot made a wet-shucking-sound as he ripped it free from the crater that was now the Russian's skull, trailing blood when he stomped down. "That's all you need to know. As to why you're here, I'll cut straight to the chase. Welcome to task force X, blah, blah, blah, bombs in your necks, more blah, blah, blah, time off your sentences if you do this, so on, and so forth and more blaaah." He paused, taking a deep breath, a thumb hooking toward the next two individuals in question.
"Deadshot and Captain Kangaroo over there already know the drill-
-Its Captain Boomerang, mate!-
"Yeah, whatever, they already know what's what. Bottom line is this; for the duration, you work for me." he finished, those blue-red orbs sweeping across them. Problems? Not you, Black Spider," The End snapped at him, "I'm not the not in the mood to play twenty questions. You help me, you live. You don't, yer dead. Anything else?"
"Yeah." Killer Frost spoke up, extricating herself from a stunned Shark, "I got one. Who the fuck are you?"
"Who? Me?" His head cocked aside, like a dog listening to a new sound. "I'm just your neighborhood asshole. Don't mind me."
"Wouldn't mind if you got these cuffs off." she snapped back.
Harley felt a smile start on her lips.
"Oh, those? Sure. Off." He waved a hand and they clattered away. "Better now?"
"Are you nuts?" the icy woman gawped, massaging feeling back into her hands. "I could kill you."
"Pretty much, yeah." he shrugged, coat rising with the motion. "Try, if you want. Might be fun. For me, at least. You? You'd die."
There it was. That look! She knew that look! That look was everything good! Harley turned the entirety of her body towards her fellow blond, fixated on him as he stared down the frigid elemental, uncaring for the layer of frost creeping up her fingers. She'd thought he was batty before, but this...this was something else. Before that staunch stare Killer Frost backed down, muttering crossly to herself.
"So?" Deadshot asked, impatient, "What's so dangerous this time that Waller had to send in the newbies?"
What came next took the crazy cake and swallowed in a single gulp.
"About that," Naruto began, folding both arms behind his head, "How'dya feel about breaking into Arkham Asylum?"
The result was...well, pretty much what he expected. Their reactions were a mixed bag; ranging from disgusted to terrified, to outright thrilled.
"That's insane."
"Don't want much?"
"Screw that!"
"I don't do freaky-deakies!"
"So where do we start?"
Harley found herself pumping her arms.
"Yahtzee!"
"C'mon maggots, those two have the right attitude. Where's your enthusiasm? Where's your sense of adventure?" he grinned, looking like he was trying very hard not to laugh. "Think of it as...a vacation! Yes, that's it! A vacation." His hands rubbed together producing a spark. "A nice little field trip where you get to kill people and blow shit up. It'll be fun. Did I mention explosions? Lots and lots of glorious, gratuitous explosions. Just think of the fun we'll have!"
That did it. Harley had found herself smiling for quite some time now, but those words, they set something off in her. This guy wasn't just crazy. He was batshit insane; maybe even more than Mista' J. " Like flicking a switch her smile turned feral, flashing pearly white teeth.
Unbidden her tongue flicked out, licking her lips.
"Oh, I like you, hothead." she purred, practically crawling up to him from her hands and knees. "You're nuttier than a fruitcake. Lo...co." Standing, she laid a hand on his broad shoulder, palms pressing flat against the hard plane of his chest, fingertips questing. "And me likely your lo-co-motion."
She half-expected him to jerk out of the way when she laid her head on his shoulder. "Whoa!" Instead, she found an arm circling her waist like an iron band, holding her tight. The other tipped her chin up to his, forcing her to all but devour his gaze with her own. "Nice start," she cooed.
"Loco, huh?" a grin, dark and predatory. "I can live with that...pudding. We're not going to have any problems, are we?"
Harley shivered against him, finding herself clutching him tighter.
"Ooooh, we're gonna get along juuuust fine...
A/N: There we go! Naruto and Harley! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Check out my Naruto x Killer Frost fic when it comes out! Then there's the Poison Ivy one.
Still, let me know if I should continue this!
So...in the immortal words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly?
R&R! =D