Chapter Seventy-Four

Meetings

(Have some feels - maybe a few tears?)

I must have dozed off at some point after eating my pancakes – I woke the next morning feeling like bat shit. Why did I wake up? Oh – Cullen was nudging me and telling me it was time to get ready for my meetings with all the city officials that wanted to parade through my home like it was a concert hall.

On the bright side… Cullen was only wearing a thin pair of pants and had me held to his chest. I blinked up at him, "… Can I… no – never mind."

I started to get up – Cullen had already broken up with me; why would he allow me a kiss? That got me thinking… I had lost two mates, now. All I wanted was to stay in bed and wallow in self-pity… maybe I could dig into a tub of ice cream while I was at it.

"What is it, Ara?" his voice was thick with sleep – he had only woken moments ago himself.

"Don't worry about it – it was a foolish notion. I'll get dressed," I swallowed the lump in my throat and ducked into my closet feeling like I was… empty. That was how Hawke found me – one foot in my yoga pants, a shirt on the floor and bawling my eyes out.

He knelt, "Hey… come on… lift your arms…"

He got me into the baggy black shirt – one of Fenris', but I needed the feeling of being closer to him. Once I was in pants and a shirt – I wasn't getting shoes on; too much work – he picked me up into his arms and carried me down to the study. I saw the look in Fenris' eye – he was here?

I started shaking and hyperventilating when I saw him… Hawke glared at him, "Haven't you done enough, Broody?"

Varric looked taken aback at the sheer malice in Hawkes voice – the whole group was here it seemed. Bela said, "What did he do?"

I shook my head and buried my face in Hawkes' chest – trying to stem the tide of tears that threatened to spill over. Hawke sighed, "I'm not allowed to say. Whatever – someone get her a plate of the eggs Magma made for breakfast. She couldn't even get dressed on her own."

That was when the first knock came – Meredith and Orsino came together.

I could see they both looked taken aback by how shitty I looked. Orsino frowned, "Are you… okay, child?"

I sighed, "I'll live. What can I do for you two today?"

"We wanted to inquire about your… travels?" Orsino said diplomatically. I sighed again and looked at Hawke, motioning to him and saying, "Give it to Meredith."

He looked confused for a second before a lightbulb seemed to go off and he pulled out his Divine Pardon and shoved it at the Knight-Commander. She paled in fury, "An Apostate!"

"Not any longer – the Divine pardoned him," Brienne said serenely. I perked up a little when Aveline returned with a plate that held not one but six bacon, potato and egg tacos loaded with cheese. I looked up at her with a worshiping look, "You are my Hero – oh, I love you Aveline."

The room quieted. Aveline looked shocked, "What?"

"You – I love you; I love all my friends so it isn't that big of a deal… but you brought me food."

"You love all of us, Feathers?" Varric looked at me with a devilish smirk. I nodded enthusiastically, "I really do. I mean… what would I do without my trusty dwarf?"

Hawke barked a laugh, "That's fair – very fair; anyway, Knight-Commander – that pardon caused another falling out between Cullen and Ara; she kept it from him. Here I thought he was just randomly cool with my presence."

Cullen sighed, "I… I really wouldn't have hit you, Ara – I swear to you that I wasn't going to hit you when I started yelling…"

Brienne snorted, "I heard what happened – the Divine was ready to strip your rank and position for causing her to have such a massive panic attack. You are very lucky that Lord Rain stepped in on your behalf."

Meredith looked surprised, "For doing his job?"

"No – he went after Queen Ara; scolding her as though she didn't have her reasons when it was already established that it was her abilities as a Prophet that caused her to hide Lord Hawkes' abilities."

Meredith blanched, "A Prophet?"

I sighed, "I didn't even want to tell them – I had a fucking vision right in front of the Divine. So much for keeping the damn things quiet…"

Varric snorted, "No way – you can usually block them…"

Cullen shook his head, "She had better not while she's pregnant!"

Sebastian also frowned, "It could cause her to lose the child – you didn't see the 'punishment' her body enacted for keeping the visions' blocked. She was coughing up blood and holding her head in pain…"

Hawke nodded decisively, "She's not allowed to block them again until after she gives birth – though we all agree you shouldn't block them at all, Sweetness."

I had a mouthful of egg taco at that point… so I didn't reply. When I did, I said, "Er… no promises. Anyway, you already know how Tevinter went. As for Denerim… who really expected Divine Beatrix to follow me home and officiate the wedding as well as being the one to crown me?"

Varric looked like he was in hog-heaven, "Could you… describe that for me; for… research purposes…"

I snorted, "You forget that you are talking to a former author, Varric – I know what 'research' means."

"Right – then… will you tell me every detail so I can put it into my book?" he gave me his usual charming smile. I rolled my eyes, "Every detail?"

"Down to what you ate and how you ate it," Varric smiled.

"Well – it started in the carriage… Hawke and Fenris were doing some very naughty things to me, you see. Poor Sebastian caught an eyeful," I started.

"Woah – too much information," Aveline flushed.

"Come on, big girl – it was just getting good," Bela grinned.

I shrugged, "Another time then… though my piercings are tingling just recalling that encounter, Hawke."

Hawke gave me a charming smirk, "Well… we could do that again if you wanted. Maybe we can invite Bas to take Fenris' place though…"

Fenris had his fists clenched and Bas coughed – I think he caught on to what Hawke was doing because he played along, "Well – I am no longer bound to a Vow of Chastity due the Divines' new decree…"

Brienne nodded, "We especially can't expect you to stay celibate if it is the Makers' will that you take back Starkhaven as Prince; the Divine is already making arrangements to assist you in that endeavor since Ara stated that."

Meredith was looking around the room like she wasn't sure who to verbally attack first. Her faith had just taken one hell of a knock learning that I was a prophet, confirmed by the Divine and several clerics, and yet… I was a blasphemer!

Orsino cleared his throat, "So… you are the Queen of Danu – and have been this whole time?"

"No – I am the Queen, but I only ascended the day I slapped Cullen in the Gallows. That was why my emotions were running rampant – I was getting an influx of magical ability to better defend my people and the whole… mark of the Queen thing; I received a new tattoo showing that I am the Queen that allows me tap into the nature of Danu so I can make sure the land is healthy and such. I was out of it for a while – I didn't know what was going on so…"

"We received invites to Danu…" Meredith looked like she was trying very hard to keep calm.

"Oh, yes – in just under 2 months, I will be officially crowned in Danu as the Queen so that my people can see me and interact with me. The tradition is that a year to the Day we receive our ascension is the day we are formally crowned. I had invites sent to the Divine, leaders of all nations, some extras like a specific Tevinter Altus and you two, and even the First Warden. Greagoir and Irving have already accepted the invite… I regret having one sent to the Black Divine and the Archon but… what's done is done and if they show up it will be because they journeyed for over a month to reach the Denerim Ley Line after I shattered the one I had originally gifted to them when they thought to want to enslave my people. You two – and Viscount Dumar – are welcome to use my personal Ley Line to travel to Danu so it would only be a simple trip. Now, if that was all… I'm afraid I have many appointments today and you are only the first of those many."

Meredith frowned, "You aren't asking me to remove my Templars?"

"No… should I? Did you send men of questionable character to rape my people and kill me? Unless they overstep, I can care less that they're here. Basilio might be asked to take a long walk off a short cliff-face if he keeps insinuating I'm a whore, but otherwise… they've been cordial and stayed out of the way. Caspar can't seem to muster any way to give a shit about me or mine if we're not breaking the mage rules, Axel seems like an excitable kid more than a Templar and Alano is overly fascinated in one of my servants but isn't pushing things, so… they can stay for all I care. Cullen keeps them all well in hand on the days that he's here and they keep to themselves when he's not."

Brienne sighed, "We tried to tell her they have no buissness here since she isn't a mage, but she really doesn't seem to care at all."

Meredith seemed happy enough with that – and the two took their leave.

Viscount Dumar came in next, "Queen Arvaala… I regret not being able to greet you properly before…"

I snorted, "That was rather the point of me hiding my identity, was it not?"

"Well… I suppose so, yes. Mostly, though, I am here today to ask your advice… about the Qunari. They seem to respect you – at least more than they respect anyone else. The Arishok himself went to your grand opening, after all… and made a purchase."

"Leave them for now, Dumar – they are waiting and searching for an important lost relic – to them, this relic is like… if Andraste hand wrote the canticles and personally bound them in a book made of pure gold – it's their religious text. It was stolen from them. They will move on when they have it. They will not bother you or yours unless provoked. Fenris spent time in Saharan and will tell you the same."

Fenris looked slightly paled, "They are looking for the Tome of Koslun?"

I inclined my head, "Yes."

Bela carefully didn't show any signs that she was the thief. Dumar sighed, "They told me they were waiting for transport."

"They are – but the transport will only come once they have the tome. Just relax – you have years until things come to a head with them. Worry about raising your son and maybe finding a way to sooth ruffled noble feathers. I am single-handedly keeping the economy in Kirkwall stable with everything going on – you need to capitalize on the tourism my shops bring. Build a statue, start a legend, turn an abandoned Hightown House into a haunted house and spread legends that someone died there or something. Find a way to bring money to places other than just my shops. If Kirkwall becomes a hub of commerce, then you can gain an upper hand against Meredith – yes, I know she's your puppet master and has been since you took office. Yes, I know she chose you for your pliable nature and reluctance in politics. Meredith is the real unofficial Viscountess of Kirkwall – you need to man the fuck up and take matters into your own hands, Marlowe. I am not a Fairy Godmother that will swoop in and say 'Bippity Boppity Boo' and turn you into a prince with a wave of a hand – I'm not a Genie that will grant you three wishes. I am a Fairy Queen – and you need to learn to lead before you lose your head over this position. I don't care if you have to invite a circus with a trained Elephant – get your damn house in order before someone else has to step in and deal with the mess you're leaving behind."

He looked taken aback – but Hawke was nodding along. Aveline looked mortified until I pointed out Meredith was the power behind the fancy crown Dumar wore – then she looked completely on board with my scolding.

Varric hummed, "It's not a bad idea – people like unique things; declaring an old Hightown Mansion 'haunted' and hiring a mage to make it seem like it is during paid tours would make it an attraction that people would pay to see while in town for their fix from the shops. Building a statue to some great Kirkwall figure and spreading the word that touching it would bring luck… people eat that shit up."

"Once you have a main attraction, pay someone to spread the rumors. Create brochures with pictures and hype. Use a challenge to spark interest – I don't know… people who walk a certain amount of times around said statue gain enlightenment or something. Back home we had the world wonders – The Great Pyramids of Giza were so large that people wondered how they were ever built in ancient times; the Hanging Gardens of Babylon were supposedly around during the creation of man; The Statue of Zeus at Olympia was made of ivory and gold and was 40 feet tall; The Temple of Artemis took 120 years to build and only one night to destroy; the Eifel Tower was so damn large that you could see it from outside the city, and it wasn't even a world wonder! Find something unique and make use of it. This city needs people to believe in it – or it may one day crumble. I don't care how you do it, but you find something."

Dumar gaped, "I… I will talk over ideas with Bran and come up with something. Forgive me for… intruding…"

I waved a hand and he scampered off. Sebastian hummed, "It isn't a bad idea – Orlais uses their unique building materials, Tevinter uses their magic, and even Starkhaven has its moat and walls. Kirkwall is influential, but it has no reason to draw people in."

I wanted to go back to bed – but my next appointment was shown in; Leandra Amell.

She smiled brightly at me, "So, my son tells me that you carry a child… and that he will be considered a father?"

I laughed – that actually lifted my spirits after my last two meetings, "Alistair got me pregnant, but I am with several men. If they can be considered a mate or dating me, then the child will grow up to call them dad, daddy, papa or some such. So yes – I suppose that makes you a grandmother to be. Oh – I need to go to Cumberland to talk with… oh wait… she isn't there yet. I need to go to Weisshaupt to talk to someone. That's going to be interesting. Fenris, can I get you play the part of someones' long lost son – she's an elven mage, but she's Alistairs mum and I want her to know her grandchild and… I mean… please?"

He stiffened but sighed, "It would be… the least I could do. I just hope she looks a bit like me…"

"Black hair and tanned skin – as far as anyone else knows, you got your physique and eyes from your father. Thank you, Fenris…"

He nodded stiffly.

"Okay – what in a good-nights' spanking happened between you two?" Isabela asked. I coughed, "He… it's not that important right now."

"The hell it isn't – how could you think it isn't important?" Cullen frowned.

I shrugged, "I'm used to it. Now, on to…"

Hawke snorted, "No way – you are not used to it; no one can get used to…"

I shook my head, "What's done is done, Hawke. Drop it. All you are doing at this point is making me feel more like cow shit than I already do. Every time you bring it up, I want to cry."

Hawke flinched, "I… I'm sorry, sweetness – I didn't even think about… alright – I'll drop it."

Fenris looked away guiltily. Leandra coughed, "So… do we know a gender yet?"

"Mom – she's only about a month along." Hawke smiled anyway.

"But she's a seer – so she should right?" Leandra pointed out. I smothered a shy smile, "I do know – gender and race. I've known since we conceived – I had a vision that very night…"

Fenris stiffened and I could see him shooting glances at me and 'our child' (my tummy). Rain looked excited, "Ooooh – are you gonna tell us?"

"Not unless we get Alistair here – I would want all my mates together for it. And…" I trailed off as Obsidian dashed out the door to go ask Alistair to come to us. I rolled my eyes but motioned Leandra to sit while I had Rain tell his mate that I was ready for my next appointment.

Grand Cleric Elthina came in – Sebastian beamed at her, "Your Grace – what brings you here today?"

"I simply wished to formally greet Her Majesty – and to extend thanks for building the Chantry in Danu. I know you don't worship the Maker, but the thought…"

"As I told the Divine – I plan to allow religious freedom in Danu. Imperial, Andrastian, Creators, Wicca or some other sect I haven't thought of – all are welcome to worship as they please. I even have people making a Thaig under the surface of Danu for a Dwarven Embassy – and that would of course include an area for Paragon statues, a Shaperate, a market place and such… there won't be any distinguishing between noble or castless – even the dukes and regular sylphs share similar houses unless they manually build their own additions or pay for a nicer house… and since everyone is paid pretty equally due to the system of trading for luxuries among our own people for the most part… anyone could get a better house if they wanted. Bear has been very busy over the last year – two chantries, a creators' temple, a palace and now a Thaig… the man must rarely sleep. He's still grieving the loss of all of his mates."

There was a knock on the door and Alistair and Obsidian entered. I giggled at seeing my husband so disheveled. "Did Obsidian yank you out of bed and dress you himself?"

"No… Eamon did, actually – when Obsidian said you knew the gender and race of our child but would only say with me present, Eamon all but had the servants hold me down and dress me before carrying me to the Ley Line to push me through… I can't be upset that my day off was interrupted if it's for you, of course." Alistair came over as he spoke and kissed my cheek. I smiled up at him, "So you want to hear what we're having then?"

"Well – that's a bonus to seeing you. Honestly, I don't mind what they look like or what powers they may hold… the Landsmeet isn't so relaxed about it, however. I swear half of them are already making plans for betrothals depending on the gender. I kindly told them that – due to your peoples' unique way of finding mates – we would not entertain betrothals… I'm not sure they were listening."

I laughed and Hawke said, "You're killing us, Sweetness – tell us!"

"A boy – human… Duncan Maric Theirin; Crown Prince of Ferelden," I announced.

Alistair lifted me from the chair into his arms and kissed me. He poured so much love into that kiss that I knew I had chosen the right name. Alistair left me down and pressed his forehead against mine before whispering, "The name…"

"I thought you might… like that. I mean, I know I didn't discuss it with you…" I flushed.

"It's perfect – I love it; I love it so much. Makers' Breath; I love you so much," he whispered with a voice thick with tears. I smiled up at him, "I waited for a while… because I was thinking of what name might be suitable… I wanted to surprise you."

"Color me surprised – I love it, Ara. I love that you would honor the man I considered a Father and my actual father… but what about your family?"

"I'm sure I'll have a kid named James Alexander sometime down the line."

Hawke laughed, "Your dad was named James then?"

"James Albert, yes. And my lost husband was named Alexander James Anderson – we thought it was a sign since James was a 'family name' on both sides," I shrugged. Elthina looked amused, "Signs come in all forms."

"Yeah – that was also why we named our son Levi – both Alexs' mother and mine had considered the name Levi for if they ever had another son and it just didn't happen for them. That they both considered that name… we took it as another sign and named our son Levi. My dad joked for ages while I was pregnant that I should have the middle name be James – to carry on the tradition, you know? But we actually settled on Nicholas – Levi Nicholas flowed better than Levi James or LJ."

"LJ?" Varric looked confused.

"Nicknames were always in use. My name used to be Abigail but people called me Abi or Abs – fuck, I hated being called abs and would clap back with 'unless I'm lying on your gut, you don't get to call me that'. So of course… Alex used to call me that. I was also sometimes called Susan – since that was my middle name."

"So if you have a girl…" Aveline asked.

"Nope – no way; I am not using the girl family name. I am not subjecting any little girl to being named Dorcas."

Even Bas had to cough to hide a laugh. Elthina looked like she was hiding a smile. Alistair hummed, "That's a good call, actually – can you imagine the teasing the poor girl would endure?"

"My poor mother – before she married, that was her middle name. She made it so her maiden name was her middle name and took her husbands' name upon marrying."

Alistair sat in my chair and pulled me into his lap, "Eamon can wait for a bit – I'm in too good a mood to go back to playing King at the moment."

I giggled and Elthina said, "Well – I simply came to wish you well; I heard you were ill and bedridden for a few days… nothing serious, I hope?"

"Over-taxed was all – nothing like being poisoned or worse," I smiled.

She smiled back and soon took her leave. My next – and final – guest had me schooling my expression; the Arishok.

"Aribas."

"Arishok," I replied.

"I heard you are expecting a child – one that will be born to take a throne."

"I am – he will be the future ruler of Ferelden."

The Arishok inclined his head, "Will he be worthy?"

"In every way," I was curious as to the point of this conversation.

"Very well. I have been encouraged to present you a weapon as though you are Karasten or Kathaban." He produced a dagger set made of Dragon Bone. I took the box they rested in and picked one of them up.

"Made of the bones of an Abyssal High Dragon, the Hide of one too… I see your people view me as more dangerous than I initial believed you would," I smirked.

The Arishok inclined his head, "We cannot fight from the air as you can – and you hold abilities that are not magic but act as magic. The Stens' reports paint you as akin to Katari or Kathaban – and you have proven such. I wish for a report on Tevinter."

I knew my face soured, "Danu is on the precipice of war with Tevinter. They seemed to be under the mistaken impression that Fae would make good slaves. I scared them on my way out. I believe they may try to grovel to me – it isn't every day that a woman bursts into flames, kills someone as though she is wiping her hands free of dirt, gives a speech about how shitty their country is, and teleports out. They seem to now be under the impression that all Fae can make portals when this isn't true – only Fairies can do that."

The Arishok nodded, "The Sten describes these 'portals' in that they were limited distance and draining – but you came all the way from Tevinter?"

"They are draining – that's why I was in and out of consciousness for almost three days. I can portal cross country more easily if I am well fed and rested – it's dependent on our energy reserves, after all. But if I were as I was when I was with the Sten, I would have had to pick a closer target – my portal only came this far because I hold the abilities of a Queen now; not a princess."

The Arishok nodded, "My thanks for indulging me, Aribas – I have done as I came to do and I will now depart." He stood and left. I looked around, "I'm hungry again… can I have cheesy mashed potatoes?"

Alistair barked a laugh, "I suppose I can indulge you in this…"

Thankfully, Alistair didn't pick up on the tensions between Fenris and me – that would have ended in Fenris being beaten to a pulp.

The news spread quickly that the Ferelden Queen carried a son – a human son to take the Ferelden throne. All of Ferelden was in celebrations. I was already planning a trip to the Anderfels after my Coronation in Danu in only a month now.

I was exhausted – I was so exhausted. I forgot how tired one could get while pregnant and Fairies felt things more intensely than humans did. And I was so horny too.

I was in bed with Cullen – he had taken to sharing my bed for the nightmare duty since Fenris now had his head up his arse. I was whimpering as I came awake.

Cullen was alert at once, "Ara… what's wrong?"

"I… I feel so… I need… fuck – get Hawke, please?" I didn't want Hawke – I wanted Cullen… but Cullen and Fenris had somewhat rejected me by this point and… they wouldn't want me.

Cullen frowned, "Why?"

"Goddess – Cullen, I need release… I need to… please…" I knew I was whining and begging – but I needed to get off and I knew the toys weren't going to be enough.

Cullen flushed, "I… I mean… do you need… sex or… release?"

I blinked at him, "Release – I need to… get off so badly."

Cullen bit his lip – looking torn between two options… what options?

He rolled onto his side, facing me and pressed his lips to mine. A whimper left my throat, "C-Cullen?"

His hand came up to caress my cheek, "I can help with this part… I can…"

I saw him waver and shook my head, "Cullen… you don't want this; I know that. Never mind – the mood sort of passed." It had – though I still felt the need, I couldn't get into the mood anymore. I didn't want Cullen to force himself – he didn't want me… who really would? I knew Alistair wanted me and loved me… but the other two men that had supposedly been destined to love me… didn't want me.

I rolled from the bed – my chest feeling like my heart was made of steel or something rather than muscle. Cullen looked taken aback, "Why do you think I wouldn't want this?"

"Honey… are you coming back to me?" I asked sadly, not looking at him.

I felt the shame that filled him, "Er… well… no… I mean…"

I sighed, "Then you don't want this. Cullen, if I ever take you to my bed that way… I want it to be because you love me and… want to marry me. I love you – more than mere words could ever express – but… I can try if it might help you to understand. I think about you… all the time; when I'm not thinking of Alistair, Fenris or my baby, it's you that I think of – and sometimes you cross my mind while I am thinking of them. Every word you spoke to me while we were courting? It loops in my head, repeating over and over. I love you to the moon and back – I will love you no matter if you reject me or not. Maybe one day you will feel the same for me – but… that isn't today, is it? Maybe that day will never come, but Goddess… I hope that it does. I have a fitting for a dress today – I should get ready."

He looked like I could have hit him with a cast-iron frying pan it would have been less painful. I hadn't realized I was crying until I felt the drip on my chest.

I ducked swiftly into the bathroom for a lukewarm bath… at least here, my tears were practically invisible.

I sat there wondering if I was right… was I worth less than I thought… my soul mates didn't want me. I felt my heart breaking and it got difficult to breathe. I shut off the water and just sat in the water looking up at the ceiling – zoned completely out as I contemplated my so-called 'worth'.

Soul-mates… how many stories had I written and read with that trope? I was a hopeless romantic, after all. I could recall very few rejection stories where the 'mate' came back. Usually it was 'mate rejects, mc gets second chance, mate spirals into despair for the rest of their life or stays moved on.'

When reading those books, I had always cheered on the second chance mates and the main characters moving on from the – usually crappy – first mate that rejected them. I would curse and scream and hate on the first mate that cause so much pain to the mc.

Living it was vastly different, I supposed… I couldn't help questioning why. With Cullen, it was sort of obvious – he was tortured and I gave him flashbacks which wasn't healthy. With Fenris… it was sort of the same, wasn't it?

Did this mean… I was the toxic character of the story? The realization hit me like a ton of bricks – I was causing them pain more than they caused me pain. I… I was like a damn walking trigger…

My heart thudded… that sealed it… I had to let them go. I had to let Cullen and Fenris go… I would ask Rain late how to about rejecting them. They deserved so much better – and all I was doing was making things worse!

Here I was – using magic and causing them to relive the worst times of their lives. I placed a hand on my belly and whispered, "When you're born… I will let them go. I don't want to risk hurting you… you'll be there for me, right?"

I gasped as I felt a sense of warmth fill me. I glanced at my belly with wide eyes – was that Duncan or me?

I shook my head – I was likely overthinking things. Duncan wasn't nearly developed enough to have any sort of ability – right?

I sighed and got out of the bath – I had to talk to Rain… he wasn't going to like this topic of conversation, but… it needed to be said, and I wouldn't do anything until Duncan was born.