The first week of classes weren't even over yet, and already Harry Potter was on his way to the headmaster's office.
"I wonder what this is about? There's no way he could have connected me to that catnip that appeared in the Transfiguration classroom first day. And I have an alibi for when Draco showed up to class naked and dancing."
He approached the entrence to the headmaster's office. No one had told him the password, yet again.
"Canary Creams?"
Nope.
"Snickers?"
Nothing. After a few minutes of trying.
"I wonder...grape flavored edible panties?"
The stature started to move, turning into a stairway.
"You wished to see my headmaster?" Harry said. He noticed that he wasn't alone with Dumbledore, Professor Snape was also there.
"Ah, glad you could join us my boy. Now, why don't you come sit on grandpappy Dumbledore's lap, while we have a little talk."
"I'd rather not sir."
"Are you sure?"
"Possitive."
"Ok then. It has come to our attention." Snape cleared his throat as the headmaster talked. "That James Potter wasn't your real father."
"Whatch you talken about Dumbledore?" Harry asked, in his best Gary Coleman impression. Neither Professor got the joke.
"It seems that while Severus here was acting the role of spy during the first wat, he had to do many terrible things to keep his guise up. One of those things included raping a muggle born witch."
"What?"
"Lily Potter was raped aproximately 9 months before you were born." Harry raised an eyebrow. "Severus is your real father Harry."
Severus Snape was expecting many different reactions from the Boy-Who-Lived, except for the one he got.
"Well, I guess this explains the letter I got."
"Letter?" Snape asked. The first word he said since Harry joined them.
"I found a letter in my vault over the summer. I haven't told you this headmaster, but from time to time, I find letters written to me by my parents. Anyway, I found one a couple weeks back. Here, perhaps you should read it." Harry pulled a letter from his pocket and handed it over to the two older men.
Dear Harry,
How are you doing Pronglette? If you're reading this blah blah blah, you know the speil, I've left other letters. Anyway, I thought I'd write you this one to let you in on a prank I pulled the may or may not try and come back to bite you in the ass. If that greasey git Snape ever shows up claiming to be your father, he's not. Let me explain. One night, in mid october, your mother sent me on a run for tampoons. And me being the man I was, didn't want to go. Needless to say, I ended up going. But I didn't want to go as myself. What kind of Maurader would I be shopping in a muggle store for tampoons? So I polyjuiced myself to look like you mother. On the way home I was ambushed by death eaters. The greasy git grapped me and pulled me aside. He then attempted to rape me. And when I say attempted to, there was a lot more crying, apologizeing and saying he loved me then actual rape. That was a terrible night. Not only did I get raped by my worst enemy, but it turns out your mum didn't need the tampoons, we found out shortly after she was pregnant. (this probably happened, as when I got home, I shagged her rotten to prove to myself that I was fine, and still like women)
Your handsome father,
James Potter
Harry went back to classes, and Severus spent the rest of the week throwing up, getting drunk, and throwing up agian. The dungeons were echoeing with "Dam you Potter" and for once, it wasn't the squeels of Draco Malfoy.
End