The first two chapters set up the idea and background so I hope you stick around for the third chapter when the story really gets moving with Kurt and Dave.
This story is hard in places, particularly these first few chapters because of the subject I explore which suicide, and the reason some people may choose that finality. I hope I cover it with enough sensitivity and understanding.
Chapter one
I remember the exact time I heard of David Karofsky's death.
I had just arrived at school and noticed the shock waves that were rippling through both the student and faculty population of McKinley high school. I didn't know what had happened but I knew someone had died.
There's a particular look students get when someone their own age dies; when they're suddenly slapped in the face with their own mortality. It doesn't matter who the student is, whether they had loads of friends or just a few; a death of a teen deeply affects the rest. The students walked around quietly, or stood in groups, their pale faces showing shock and disbelief, speaking in muted tones.
It was Blaine that came up to me and asked if I had heard the news. When I told him I hadn't, he told me quietly without any elaboration what he knew about Dave. There was the outing at his school, the severe bullying and Dave's eventual suicide. I stood there stunned unable to work my mouth. I wasn't shocked; it affected me much deeper than that. The twisted feeling in my gut was so wrenching that I had to run to the nearest restroom and vomit. I didn't stay at school that day, just left for my car as soon as I expelled everything from my stomach and went home. I didn't cry; I was far too desolate for that.
At first, I thought the inconsolable feelings I had, came from the fact that I didn't answer any of his calls before he died. It certainly gave me a tremendous amount of guilt and it weighed heavily on my mind. The guilt was always there, but it paled in comparison to the emptiness I felt now that he was gone. It was so weird; I hardly ever considered him while he was alive. I was aware of him only enough to try and avoid him as much as possible, especially when he admitted he had feelings for me. Even so, I just took it for granted that he would always be around. Then one day he was gone for good and on that day my life just fell apart.
I hid the inner turmoil I felt from other people, and somehow managed to keep it together and appear normal until the day of the funeral. If I had only known what was going to happen I wouldn't have gone. I had been to memorials and funerals before, where there were pictures of the deceased on display and perhaps a closed coffin or an urn sitting amongst the myriad of flowers. But I had never been to a funeral with an open coffin. I saw him lying there from a distance and immediately felt a cold dread wash over me. I didn't want to view the body, but it seemed like a respectful thing to do for the family. I pushed down the sickening feeling inside me and walked with Finn across the room to see David up close. I had never seen a dead person in my life and it was so eerie looking over Dave's still form.
"He looks like he's asleep." Finn whispered. I simply stared at him. I wanted to scream, Asleep!? Are you insane? He doesn't look asleep! No matter how deep a person sleeps you can always tell that they're alive. David's dead! He's so still, worse than an inanimate object, a statue or a wax works dummy! I clamped my hand over my mouth to stop the wail that wanted to burst out. I tried to rein my raging feelings in but I couldn't stop the onslaught. I struggled not to hyperventilate but I felt an overwhelming panic take me. The world around me became muted and started to spin sickeningly. Apparently Finn caught me before I knocked my head on the casket as my legs gave out from under me. I came to in another room with my Dad's worried face hovering over me. I suddenly remembered that the Glee club was asked to sing a few inspirational songs at the service and I was to do a solo, but after seeing Dave like that, I knew I couldn't do it. I asked if we could leave immediately and Dad quickly made arrangements for Finn and Carol to get a ride home after the funeral so he can drive me back to our place. I heard later that Mercedes did a remarkable job of singing the song I had chosen, Halleluiah.
The next day, I went back to school and tried to get back into the rhythm of things but found it difficult. When I walked the halls of school, I heard the snickering of people joking about the fact I fainted when I saw a dead person. It wasn't just a dead person, it was Dave! I wanted to shout but I had neither the strength nor the will to bother. I couldn't concentrate on school work or on Glee rehearsals all week and I didn't care. Mr. Schue and Miss Pillsbury eventually called me in for a talk about my lack of interest in Glee and I surprised them and myself by quitting then and there. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.
My Dad was becoming seriously worried about me as I sank deeper and deeper into depression. I knew I was gradually pulling away from life but I could not do anything about it. I was so exhausted, depleted and sad. My Dad, family and friends could not understand why Karofsky's suicide affected me so deeply nor could I explain it.
When the four month mark had passed since Dave's death, I still felt the pain of it as if it were yesterday. I was on my third psychiatrist, and he like the others before him said I have to want to be helped. He wanted me to talk about my feelings about Dave's death so I could get better. How I could tell him what I felt when I didn't have any feelings at all? They were wiped out when Dave died. Other than being antidepressant dispensers, these Doctors hadn't helped at all.
Time passed while I was in this fog and school finished, the Glee club won the nationals without me and the summer was almost over. I started working at my Dad's garage at the beginning of summer and I must admit that working on the cars give me some respite from my constantly mulling brain. I could almost forget that Dave was gone for the brief time I'm was under a hood, sorting out an engine's problem. So I got into a bit of a routine; I got up, went to work and went back home again. As soon as I got home I went to my bedroom and stayed there. I'm sure my Dad wondered what I did up there. Well it was nothing much, since I would lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Occasionally I would turn and look at the clock and wonder where the time went. I didn't sleep - I couldn't sleep. In the past, one source of constant argument between me and my dad was the amount of shopping and I did on a regular basis. Now my Dad would plead with me to head out to the mall sometime. I couldn't be bothered.
My friends tried to lure me out of my insular ways. Throughout the summer they invited me to barbeques or pool parties but I wasn't into doing anything socially anymore. I waited them out, knowing that sooner or later the Glee kids would have to leave me alone as they pursue their own busy lives. Soon they would be going out to their various colleges and getting on with their lives and would leave me behind. The plans I had for going to New York were put on hold and I told my dad I wanted to work in the garage. At first Dad was saddened by my decision but later, I could tell that he thought it was better that I stay and work for a year under his watchful eye. He was afraid of what might happen to me in this state of mind if I was alone in New York. I told him I was not going to commit suicide. I might not have had any reason to live anymore but I also didn't have a reason to die either. Besides, at the time it seemed too much of an effort to come up with some plan to do myself in. During one of the many dreary days that went by, one after the other, Blaine came to me with an ultimatum. He told me he was fed up competing for my attentions with a dead guy. I had to choose either Dave's ghost or him. I didn't choose him, but I didn't want a ghost for a boyfriend either. I just wanted Dave alive so we could be actual friends.
Several months after Dave's death, Paul Karofsky keeled over at work and died of a massive heart attack. I didn't go to the funeral, I just couldn't. So two premature deaths in the same family in a half a year, it seemed that the universe had it in for the Karofsky family. Was this bad karma? Or were these two people dead because of some cosmic fuck up? All during the time since Dave's death I had been thinking over and over again - this is a mistake! In my gut I felt that Dave was supposed to be alive. Something had gone horribly wrong and I wanted to fix it.
"Hey Buddy, how are ya doin'?" My Dad asks me as he peers around my bedroom door.
"Fine." I say from my usual position on my back in bed, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm so tired, I was just trying to rest."
My dad stares at me, for he continually looks for any sign that I'm getting better. I know what he sees, for I've seen the person staring back at me in the mirror. He sees a son whose hair is dull, lifeless and unkempt, his skin sallow and pale, looking as if he lives in a cave (which is almost true since I rarely leave my bedroom) and he sees the dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. He sighs as if in defeat, "Um, actually Santana and Britney are here to see you. Do you want to come down stairs?"
I gradually stir and sit up. I don't really want to see them but I know how much it will hurt my Dad if I send them away. So instead I say, "Do mind if they come up here?"
"No, that's fine, I'll send them up."
Dad runs downstairs to fetch the girls. He leaves the door open and I can hear everything that is said on the landing. "He won't come down but he wants you to come up and see him up in his room. That's something at least."
"We'll try and coax him to go out for a coffee with us." Santana replies.
"You'll be lucky. I can't remember the last time he went out other than to the garage for work."
"I was away for most of the summer. I haven't seen him in so long. Is he doing any better?" Britney asks sounding concerned.
"He's not great. He's not eating or not sleeping well. He's lost a lot of weight. He used to be such a clothes horse but he doesn't care about his appearance anymore. He tends to walk around in old t-shirts and sweat pants. I'm really worried about him. I'm glad you both have come. He always seems a little better after his Glee friends see him."
"C'mon Brit let's see if you can't brighten his day." Santana says.
"The universe cries when a unicorn is sad." Britney states in a serious voice to my Dad and I hear their footsteps on the stairs moving towards me.
Britney, Santana and I sit together on the bed with the silence between us growing more and more uncomfortable. The two girls have been trying all kinds of topics to draw me into a conversation without success and I guess Santana has finally had enough.
"I could kill Dave if he wasn't already dead!" She exclaims in an outburst that shocks both me and Britney.
"Santana! How can you say that?!" I ask horrified.
"It's about time we talk about the elephant in the room, Dave's death. Suicide is such a coward's way out. How could he leave us all suffering like this?" she continues.
"You saw what they did to his facebook page. He faced all that hatred alone. He had no support from his mother or friends. He –" I stop in mid-sentence as a wave of guilt and remorse hits me. I was one of his supposed friends and I didn't answer any of texts or phone calls. It often does this to me, my guilt. It suddenly sneaks up on me and clenches my heart and squeezes. I feel physical pain that leaves me gasping.
"His Dad supported him and loved him," Santana continues. "I talked to him at Dave's funeral and he told me he tried to discuss his son's sexual orientation with him but Dave shut him out and wouldn't talk. If Dave had only trusted him he might still be alive."
I swallow and sniff, not bothering to stop tears flowing down my cheeks. "He reached out to me and I let him down. He's dead because of me."
"He's dead because he tied a rope around his neck in his bedroom closet and kicked the chair over. It's not your fault that he's dead. You can't blame yourself for his actions. You didn't know what he was thinking of doing." Santana argues.
"I didn't bother to find out." I mutter morosely.
"You are not the only one that feels guilty. When I found out he was gay I blackmailed him into being my beard. After that stupid prom fiasco I just dropped him as a boyfriend. He tried to contact me afterwards and left messages for me as well. I meant to get back to him but I had my own problems and never got around to it."
Santana continues, "Dave's dad blamed himself too. He told me that he was coming home early that day and had a choice of whether to stop for a coffee or make one at home. He stopped for a coffee. He said that wrong decision cost him his son. If he had arrived moments earlier the paramedics may have been able to revive him. The guilt of that decision stayed with him. That's why I'm so angry at Dave. Leaving us so sad and feeling guilty about what we should have done when really there was nothing we could have done. He chose to end his life that particular way. It was so thoughtless! How could he let his father find him in that way? I seriously think the shock of it killed him. I doubt he would have had the heart attack if Dave was still alive."
"He died of a broken heart." Britney adds softly.
"Exactly!" exclaims Santana.
"Dave probably didn't even think about what would happen after his death. He just wanted the pain to end." I say in a garbled emotion chocked voice and rub my face clear of tears. "Depression is such a deadly spiral downward. The pain grows so much that it pushes out the ability to think about anybody else's."
"Kurt you're not thinking along the same lines, are you?" Santana asks frightened.
"No not really. It's just – I don't know how to explain it. My life is off-kilter. It doesn't seem right anymore. I feel deep in my bones that Dave shouldn't have died. It's wrong. It's a mistake."
"It was Dave's mistake but we have to live with it." Santana gripes.
"No, he means it shouldn't have happened. It was the universe's mistake. Dave should be alive." Britney pipes up.
"That's exactly what I mean!" I can't believe Britney of all people, understands.
Santana looks back and forth between us confused, but decides it wasn't worth figuring out. "Look, since we're obviously not going out for a coffee I'm going to go down to the kitchen and see if there is any coke. Does anyone else want one?" Britney and I nod. I don't really want a coke, I just want Santana to leave us alone so that I can talk to Britney.
Once she's gone I quickly turn to Britney and ask excitedly, "Do you feel the same, that something is out of whack with the universe?"
"Not this time. But it happened to me before and I was able to change it and get things right with the universe again."
"How!?"
"By going back in time and fixing my mistake!" Britney finishes happily.
"What? You think we can go back to the past and fix our mistakes?!" I ask incredulously.
"Of course! I went back in time a week and fixed a terrible mistake I made with Lord Tubbington."
"You went back in time to correct a mistake you made with your cat." I repeat back slowly.
"Uh Huh. You see I accidentally threw out Lord Tubbington's favourite toy while cleaning my room. He must have pushed it under some papers and when I put them in for recycling the toy went too. You should have seen the state of Lord Tubbington. He was so upset – he wouldn't eat or sleep or play with any of his other toys. He was so angry with me he wouldn't talk to me or look at me for days. He was becoming so listless and depressed, and I was feeling the same as well. It was like something was out of line with my world, that I was taking the wrong path. Everything I did after losing his toy felt odd like I was in the wrong version of events."
"So what did you do?" I have to ask in despite myself because I am caught up in the story.
"Well I answered this little ad on Craig's List explaining how with magic herbs you can relive mistakes you made and put them right. That's how I met Tante Zoe. She's so amazing and she lives right here in Lima. She told me she was a Creole witch that moved here with her family after the hurricane destroyed her home in New Orleans. She is at least a hundred years old."
"You'd think she would have gone back in time and moved her family and processions before the hurricane hit," I note wryly.
"Oh No! She said she was too old and too tired to go back and change things, besides she likes it here in Lima."
"She sounds a little crazy in the head."
"Maybe she is but she helped me. I liked her a lot."
"Well what did she do for you exactly?" I ask, very curious.
She then gave me a small pouch of aromatic herbs and told me I had to set it alight in the evening before I went to bed..."
"She GAVE you the pouch of herbs?"
"Yes, for 25 dollars. I would have paid 125 dollars if it meant that Lord Tubbington would love me again. Anyways, I went home and burned the herbs and thought very carefully about the day I wanted go back to, and how I was going to change the outcome. I wished and wished, I wished harder than I ever have in my whole life, just to make it right with Lord Tubbington. The next morning when I woke up I realised it was a week earlier on the exact day that I lost Lord Tubbington's toy. I immediately went to the pile of paper waiting to be recycled that was there on the floor and carefully went through the papers. I found the toy mouse and gave it to Lord Tubbington and then threw out the paper. I then spent the rest of the week as normal, except I was able to change other things like – studying and doing better on my history test – I got a C- rather than a D+ and I didn't buy these cheap earrings that made my ears go green. Lord Tubbington didn't even realise I had gone back in time. He just kept playing happily with his toy mouse as if nothing had happened. We are so happy now and everything is right with the world. I went back to Tante Zoe and told her all about it."
"I don`t know if I can believe…"
"Oh Kurt what have you got to lose? You are so sad and unicorns are supposed to be gay - I mean the happy gay not just the boy kissing gay – it's the law of the universe. Here's her card. Talk to her Kurt, she might be able to help."
"Thanks Brit," I say and look at the card. It is a white card from heavy but cheap stock with blurry edges from the cards you punch out of printed pages. The font is a plain Helvetica with just the name Tante Zoe and a phone number. I keep staring at it unwilling to put it down. I feel I should give it back to Britney but she looks so earnest and happy to help. Finally I shake my head at my gullibility and place it carefully in my wallet.
Britney smiles and says, "You'll like Tante Zoe. She likes unicorns and she knows that we feel we have a responsibility to make things right."
"A Creole witch that can help you relive your past!" I shake my head at the silliness of Britney as I lay on the bed after the girls had left. Britney and her wacky ideas constantly amaze me.
Still, wouldn't it be great if it was true? I imagine myself arriving in the nick of time and talking Dave out of hanging himself. I would pull a crying David into a tight hug and rock back and forth telling him how much he would have been missed if he had gone through with it. Dave would look at me with grateful teary eyes and say…
I never got any further with that thought because I heard a quiet tap at the door and knew it was my Dad coming to say goodnight.
"Come in Dad."
"Hey Kurt. Did you enjoy the visit with your friends?"
"It was okay." I pause, deeply thinking. "Dad, do you think it is possible that Dave wasn't meant to die?"
"I'm not sure what you mean?" Dad walks further into the room and sits on the bed, happy to talk since I very rarely discuss Dave's death.
"What if one of us was supposed to intervene to stop him and didn't?"
"What do you mean by intervene?"
"Well what if I was supposed to answer one of his calls. What if I could have done something, anything to prevent his death?"
"Kurt what if answering his calls wasn't enough. Dave may have been further down that one particular path for you to be any help. You can't save everybody."
"I only want to save Dave. But now it's too late. If only I had known he was suffering so badly." I sighed.
"Ahh the 'if onlys'." Dad smiles sadly. "I had about a hundred of them when your Mom passed away."
"You did?"
"Sure! If only I'd done this. If only I'd done that. If only I'd done the other thing."
"Mom died of cancer, what could you have done differently?" I ask.
"If only I could have demonstrated my love for her more; if only I appreciated my time together with her more; and if only I laughed with her more." My dad sighs sadly.
"If you could have turned back time and gone back, you still couldn't do anything concrete and help her beat cancer."
"I don't know; I could have paid more attention in school, aced my biology exams, attended a prestigious college become a world-renowned scientist and discover the cure for cancer." Dad deadpans and I actually laugh. It has been awhile.
"Would you really do all that?" I ask.
"If I had done all that, I wouldn't have been with your mother. As I said before, she was the reason I didn't pay much attention in my last year of school. I doubt we could have stayed together if I had run off to medical school." My dad explains.
"My point is," I continue getting back on topic, "I actually could have done something to help Dave when he was in trouble but I didn't. At the time I thought he was annoying, constantly phoning and I'm so ashamed now of thinking like that.'
Dad thinks for a moment and then answers, "We all make choices based on the knowledge and prejudices we carry around with us. You didn't know he what he was thinking of doing in the future. You had a very rough past with the boy and you weren't really friends with him. You did what most people would have done; you ignored his calls and got on with your life."
"Some people would have answered the phone and talked with him."
"Yes and some people would have phoned the police to report him as a stalker."
"That doesn't make me feel better. I just wish I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and do things differently."
Dad chuckles, "Wouldn't we all love to go back and correct our mistakes."
"Santana said that Paul Karofsky felt that he could have saved his son if only he hadn't stopped for a coffee on the way home. What if he was supposed to find David before he died?" I ask and look up searching my father's face. "What if he could have gone back in time knowing what was at stake. He could have raced home in time to save Dave."
"Where is this coming from? You really believe in time travel?" Dad looks at me, skeptical.
"I just feel that something is wrong, that Dave wasn't meant to die. I can't shake the feeling."
"Kurt, you need to come to terms with the fact that Dave wasn't saved. Dave's death won't be as tragic if we learn something from Dave's life. We should treat each other more kindly and with more compassion instead of taking them for granted. We should communicate more and find out why someone behaves the way they do, especially since we're such complicated emotional beings. And one more thing, we should be easier on ourselves and not let self-hatred take over our decisions." Dad explains in his careful thoughtful way.
"Do you think Dave was a coward in taking his life?" I ask.
"No I don't think that, not at all. It just happened to be the option he chose at that point in his life."
"Santana is so angry at him for choosing that option." I respond sadly.
"What do you think of his choice?" Dad asks obviously probing.
"I think it was the wrong one, but I can understand why he did it. He may have felt so trapped that he couldn't see any other way out of his predicament."
"Kurt if you ever feel so trapped that you see no way out, you will let me know before you make his kind of decision, won't you?" It is painful seeing my Dad pleading.
"Dad don't worry!" I sniff, allowing my tears to flow freely. "I'll find a way out of this."
Dad clears his throat and hugs me tightly. "You get some rest now," he whispers.
I find myself walking the empty halls of McKinley high school desperately looking for something. I thought could hear Dave calling and pleading for me to come and help. I run through room after room and down corridors that go on for miles. I see Dave just up ahead of me but just as I catch up to him he disappears around a corner. "Wait! Wait up!" I scream, but he doesn't hear me because I have no volume in my voice. I try running after him but I can't move my legs. When I finally make it around the corner I am just in time to see him enter a room and close the door. I am so desperate to make my way to the door but it is like I am wading through mud and so I can't make much headway. When I finally make it to the door I feel a horrible sense of foreboding; I don't want to open door but it opens anyway. I don't want to go into the room but suddenly I am standing in the middle it. The room is completely white and I can't tell where the walls end and the ceiling or floor begins. I hear a strange creaking noise and try not to look, because I know instinctively what it means. But I am compelled to look up and I see a pair of feet swinging in the air. My eyes follow the feet and legs till I see Dave's blue swollen face and the rope. I just stare, too overwhelmed to do anything. I see movement in my periphery and I tear my eyes away from the gruesome sight of Dave. Two cheerleaders I instantly recognise start to perform.
"2, 4, 6, 8, who's the guy who came too late? Kuuurrrt Hummmmeelllll!" Both Santana and Brit sing out as they shake their pompoms and do some high kicks.
I slowly start to glide without moving my legs pass the girls, drawn to a wizened old woman sitting in the corner in a white wicker chair.
She is very tiny and frail with yellowed parchment-thin wrinkly skin draped over her bones. She is also dressed in white with a white kerchief wrapped around her head. Her face looks almost like it is slipping off her skull since her features have flattened and sagged over time as it happens with the extremely old. Her piercing eyes are like shiny black polished stones and they seem to bore into my very soul. A scrawny thin arm rises up and a boney finger curls and straightens then curls again, indicating that I should approach her. I start gliding towards her as if she is pulling me towards her with an invisible piece of string. I come to an abrupt stop a few feet in front of her.
"Mon Cheri, come to your old Tante Zoe. We'll set things right." She mumbles and her face deforms into a weird rubbery smirk as she smiles. It is obvious that she does not have a tooth in her head.
I wake up with a start. I shake my head to dislodge the confused feelings and look around frantically trying to get my bearings. I am in my bed and judging by the clock it is seven o'clock in the morning. I must have slept through the entire night. I haven't done that since Dave's death. For the first time in a long time I feel invigorated like I have finally found a solution. My dream was so detailed and felt so real. Just as I had felt that it was wrong for David to be dead, I am just as positive that Tante Zoe can help me in setting it right. I can save Dave! I knew it was early but I couldn't wait. I grab my phone and the card and start thumbing in the number. The ring is answered almost immediately.
"Hello? Can I speak to Tante Zoe?"
"You can speak to her. Come this morning Cheri, about 11:00 o'clock she'll be able to see you then. Do you have a pen?" The voice is that of a young woman with a thick New Orleans accent.
"Uh yes" I quickly grab a pen and a scrap of paper from my night stand and take down the address as the girl dictates it to me. I am just about to ask another question when the woman adds, "make sure you bring twenty-five dollars with you." and the line disconnects. I think it was very odd that she didn't ask who I was or what I wanted.
My stomach rumbles with hunger, and I find that I actually have an appetite for breakfast. It was my usual habit to skip it.
Dad is deliriously happy to see me downstairs in the kitchen eating something. "Hey bud, it's good to see you down here. How d'ya sleep?"
"I slept through the whole night." I look up at my dad and smile. "I've got an errand to run this morning so I'm going to take a shower after breakfast and go out in my car. I shouldn't be gone long."
"That's great Kurt!"
It hurts to see how happy my dad is over such an inconsequential thing. I finish my breakfast and clear away my plate. "Well I guess I'll go up to my room and start to get ready. See you later Dad."
My Dad beams; I hardly ever go out of the house, certainly not on my own volition. As I go upstairs I glance back and catch his puzzled face. I speed up the stairs before he can ask - what errand?