Authors Note-PLEASE READ: Okay, I have two important things to say about this story, and by two, I really mean a few. Firstly, I wrote this for a friend as a joke, and it was originally supposed to be one or two pages. It turned into 36 pages of pure idiocy. But, seeing as how I wrote it for a friend as a joke, there are a few thing she asked me to include. So, here comes a warning- There will be MENTION of Male/Male pairings and Male/Female- It's not graphic sex or anything of the sort (Really, would Wesker write something like that?!), but it's mentioned (in what I hope is a comical fashion). And one of the most important things I shoud tell you all, and I would really like to stress, is because it's a parody some of the facts are going to be wrong (For example, I am aware that Joseph did not join the STARS Alpha Team until 2 weeks prior to the mansion incident), but in order to keep things flowing smoothly and keep everything packaged together, as well as to create some comedy, I have taken a few creative liberities. Now, I am not saying the story is completely inaccurate, but there will be a few snags here and there- so PLEASE, don't mention things like 'Oh, well you know that this and this never actually occured that way and your story is bullshit', because really... it's just supposed to be funny. Finally, and this is the most important part- Enjoy~! ^_^

Disclaimer: All characters, settings, and diabolical plans in this piece of fiction belong to Capcom. Not me... unfortunatly. Because then I would be stinken' rich.

Journal Entry 1996

Dear Diary…

Things are proceeding well (as I had anticipated) in regards to my mission with Umbrella. I've managed to gain members for my brilliant vision of S.T.A.R.S. special unit for Racoon City Police, a unit trained to deal with… unfortunately evil incidents. I hope to use the members under my control for further testing of the T-Virus (A most brilliant invention where nothing possibly could go wrong- if I may so boldly state- thanks to my involvement). But on a less pleasing note, the members who work under me are… less than acceptable due to numerous reasons.

I had the liberty of viewing each file of the Alpha team in order to gain a better understanding of the men and women I would be sharing the next little while with, while gaining their trust and training with them before brutally destroying that trust.

Under me are five (hopefully) competent members who must follow my every order. First impressions are as follows and detail exactly how I feel about them (In a completely fair manner):

Christopher Redfield: Pointman & Marksman
DOB: 1973
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 80.3 Kg
Comments: Complete and utter American buffoon. Uncouth with unwillingness to follow simple orders such as 'Stop pretending you're flying a fighter plane and drive the damn vehicle'. Disrespect for authority (No surprises at to why he left the American Air Force- one would suspect some authoritative clashes?) and an unimpressive vocabulary. Calling a man senile is not a comeback. He also insists on delivering what he assumes are witty remarks about the simplest things only to end up laughing by himself. Really now…

Barry Burton: Backup Man & Weapons Specialist
DOB: 1960
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 89.3 Kg
Comments: Previous experience in the SWAT unit coupled with his ability to handle children (An ability that will come in handy, especially given the circumstances with who I must work with… …) makes him a strong candidate in the list of people whom I do not despise as much. Has a family with a wife and two children (Expect further exploitations of such information as I continue with my master plans), and is described as being 'loyal and dedicated' by his comrades. Excellent.

Joseph Frost: Omni Man & Vehicle Specialist
DOB: 1971
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 72.3 Kg
Comment: Personally transferred from Bravo Team to Alfa due to yours truly. Had a sense of humour and was brought in to try and quell the barrage of 'comebacks' Redfield insists on spouting out. He strikes me as an expendable crewmember.

Jill Valentine: Rear Security & B&A Specialist
DOB: 1974
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 50 Kg
Comments: Her father used to be what one who is in the third grade calls a 'cat burglar'. Really, he was nothing more than a petty thief who most likely bestowed some questionably knowledge on to her. Make sure to watch ones pockets and wallet while she's around. She also has a blank expression on her face all the time- unable to read whether she is actually thinking or truly is clueless. Further observation is required.

Brad Vickers: Rear Security & Pilot
DOB: 1963
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 60.8 Kg
Comments: Numerous self help books present at his desk and in his locker- possibly incredibly unstable. Also has a tendency to flee at any sight of danger, which was evident after a lighter was used in the office, causing him to leave in fear of a fire…

As you can see, I'm working with a group of people who are complete idiots… if not very easily manipulated to use for my own purposes. I am also willing to admit that although I may not think highly of them in the mental department, they still have incredibly physical and marksmanship ability. Although Redfield seems like he would (or is) use Steroids…

No matter, Umbrella has given me the means to start STARS and begin the experimentations with the T-virus and whatever else they feel a need to do. Although Umbrella has begun to be to… small for my visions. Perhaps a change in plans may be in the works.

But for the meantime I will use the members and position I have to do what I need to do. Gaining their trust and working alongside them may give me headaches, but those are just minor inconveniences in the greater images of things.

-Albert Wesker

-Because the story has been completely finished, I'll be updating this puppy once a week (or every 2 weeks depending on my schedual). Hope you enjoyed this entry, and hopefully they'll only get better! Also, if you have time, please review!