A/N: HELLO~! PLEASE READ THIS NOTE, WOULD YOU KINDLY?
As ever, thanks in advance for the feedback. Really can't write without it. It means the world to me~!
EDIT: Need to go back and fix a few mistakes in earlier chapters, thanks for pointing them out. I'll try to get right on that~!
Owowowow double/triple update days really makes my hands ache. Sorry if this seems short, writing with achy hands is...difficult.
Before anyone asks, I DO have an April Fool's surprise coming for you all. I've been working on it since February. Don't worry, you'll love it~!
Blasted finale murdered my inspiration something fierce, but I'm back, if a bit less enthused with the current state of RWBY. That last episode...I don't even have words for it. So. Much. Pain. Most of us have seen it, but the rest will know one way or another once Saturday rolls around...
Now then, time for your important questions!
Q: Is this a crack story?
A: Not quite. This is more a humorous/adventure story than anything else, and this chapter gets absolutely mad.
Q: Naruto's a right snarky bastard in this story, isn't he?
A: As stated, death's basically freed him from a good bit of inhibition that he felt while alive. He's pretty much a carefree spirit for the most part, with his pranking tendencies turned up to ten. And why not? Its not as if he has anything better to do.
I mean, I suppose Ambrosius could give him a proper body if asked, but only a select few people know of him at this pint.
Would Naruto even accept it? At this point he's pretty much immortal and capable of possessing nearly whomever he pleases. There are some exceptions and restrictions of course; a strong willed individual can resist him, even force him out, which weakens him yet further. Furthermore, if Amber gets hurt, so does he. Their souls are bound together after all.
But worry not, our ghost-boy's going to have quite an amusing pairing for himself. Care to guess what it is?
I'll give you a hint. She's in a lamp. Obvious enough?
Q: Are...are we having a war of the gods?
A: More a pseudo war through proxies, but yeah, Naruto and Amber just accidentally'd a war.
Q: What manner of gifts did the God of Darkness give Cinder?!
A: All in good time, dear reader. All in god time.
Q: How much longer will we be in Beacon?!
A: We won't be in Beacon for too much longer, or Vale for that matter; this first arc was fun, but now its time to branch off and cause a bit of...chaos.
Alright then, I've kept you long enough. Looking forward to your reviews~!
Once again, the chapter title hails from lyrics of "Wolf In Sheep's Clothing" by Set It Off.
As ever, I own no quotes, references, themes, or aaaaaany memes. Laughter and insanity abounds!
"Like it or not, the gods have begun to meddle in the affairs of Remnant once more. I've already informed James and Theodore, but I thought it best to let you know as well, Leo...
"Yes, yes, of course old friend, you can trust me...I would never betray your trust...
~A conversation between headmasters.
You Will Pay (Interlude)
"They did what?!"
Salem slapped a hand to her forehead as Lionheart finished relaying the tale to her in its entirety. She could scarcely believe it; rather, she didn't want to. Because his story beggared belief. All this talk of might and magic and dead men walking; word of gods walking the earth once more, it was too much to believe. For a wild moment she actually considered crushing the Seer before her and ending this altogether. She would throw herself from her throne, marshal her forces, and deal with the matter herself.
Cinder and her cronies didn't know their arses from their elbows, but she had expected better of Watts and Tyrian. For them to be dealt with in such a swift fashion...well. It irked her.
But if the gods had returned, if they were working through vessels and avatars of their own...no. She dare not approach. One of them might be able to undo the curse laid upon her. She desired death all the same, but she wanted to drag this world down with her when she went. Dying alone accomplished nothing. Remnant must suffer as she suffered.
A small distant part of her knew she mustn't let this register on an emotional level. She'd lost pawns before, mangled minions in her rage, when they'd failed her, that sort of thing.
But never so many at once!
She mustn't kill Lionheart of course, no matter how his news might...distress her. He was useful; one of the few remaining pawns she had left to her. No Hazel he, his skills lay not on the field of battle, but more in the realm of subterfuge and espionage. Through him, she had ever learned of Ozpin's scheme without lifting a finger...even if Leonardo was little more than some stray peon.
And so she turned her focus elsewhere. "You're certain."
"Y-Yes." Leonardo stumbled only a little over his words, his voice tinny through the Seer's depths. "Tyrian is dead, your grace. Arthur has been captured, and this "Amber" girl is currently in her ascendancy. Many folk are outright worshipping her. Ozpin...was inclined to brag."
...and yet you say Summer Rose -SUMMER ROSE!- did Callows in." her fingers drummed against the arm rest of her throne. "That is impossible."
"She did. There were many witnesses to the deed."
"Its so hard to find good help these days." Salem pinched the brow of her nose to forestall a sigh. "And Cinder...? I assume she's been executed by now." A pity. She'd have to find another maiden candidate, train them up all over again...what a waste. "Well? Tell me! Is it so?"
The little fool quivered.
Salem bit back a snarl. "Well?! What is it?!"
"Well, she HAS been seen in Beacon, but you may not like what I'm about to tell you...
Salem did not. Nope. Not at all. The subsequent roar that followed shook her tower from top to bottom.
Truly, only a mastermind could have dismantled her plans so easily. She refused to accept any other possibility. More fool she!
(.0.0.0.)
"Hey kids! Wanna see a dead body?!"
Blake crashed backward in a dead faint. In that regard, she was lucky. She missed the madness that followed.
Weiss took one look at "Adam Taurus" and screamed at the top of her lungs. Ruby and Yang, only just now returning to their dorm from a well-deserved ice cream break, took one look at the corpse blocking their doorway and screamed as well. Behind them, Qrow heard his nieces shriek and started shouting himself.
Really, it was just the sort of prank Naruto enjoyed. Shock and awe and all that. Really, it didn't get any better than this.
He could've dispelled their confusion with a few quick words. Instead Naruto just stood there, wearing Adam's body like a fine suit, arms crossed behind his head as he grinned like a loon. He didn't make any moves. He didn't have to. His presence was more than enough. Nothing like a good joke to get the blood pumping.
Aaaaaand then someone ruined it for him.
"QUIET!" Amber hollered over the chaos, eyes burning like twin embers.
The rest of Team RWBY subsided with a whimper, looking like a pack of kicked puppies. Amber was having one of it.
"For crying out loud, Qrow!" she rounded on Branwen with a glower." You already saw this back in the tower!" her hand slapped at his chest. "Man up!"
"Well, yeah," Beacon's resident uncle looked away with a grumble, "But that's still creepy...! He's missin' an eye! How are you used to it!?"
Ruby rounded on him and latched onto his arm. "Uncle Qrow?! Don't tell me you're friends with this guy?! He's a terrorist!"
Yang dove on their uncle's shoulders. "How long have you been keeping this from us?!
Naruto cackled. "More than you think, less than you expect."
"Adam...?"
At their feet, Blake began to come around at long last. Golden eyes fixed on Naruto, or rather, the body he was currently wielding. Weiss took one look at her, another at the body of a dead man and couldn't decide which she dreaded more. Eventually she gave up and flopped back onto her bed. Naruto felt a brief flash of pity for her. Clearly she was the only sane one here; the sole voice of reason among her team. Unfortunately it only made him want to break through the icy exterior all the more.
"This," Amber stabbed a finger at the grinning Faunus before an argument could ignite, "Is not Adam Taurus. Its just his body. Now lets calm down before-
"But it looks just like him!" Blake bolted back to her feet with a snarl and slammed her forehead against his. "I don't believe you! Prove it!"
Naruto quirked a brow and felt his new face settle into a scowl. "Prove what? And how?"
"I don't know! You...that is...just do something Adam wouldn't do!"
Slim shoulders rolled in a shrug.
...alright."
There were more than enough lingering memories in this worn-down body to make a fair guess of what Adam had been. Of what he would and wouldn't do. Of what he liked and disliked. An idea struck him and a slow grin spread across his face. Alright. That could work. And if he could cause a little chaos in the offing...well. He wouldn't say no. Amber must've read his intent; because she made a wild grab for him. He slipped past with a low laugh skirted an irate Blake, and chose his victim.
Qrow frowned. "You're not gonna...
He was gonna.
Naruto walked up to Weiss. "Sorry about this."
The petite Schnee blinked. "Sorry about wha-mmph?!"
Naruto kissed her dead on the mouth. Qrow collapsed with a uproarious peal of laughter, dragging his nieces down with him. He didn't see what the big deal was. It was Little more than a peck really; thankfully it had said Schnee springing back like he'd burned her. Myrtenaster flashed out to ward off a follow up attempt, opening a thin rent just across his nose.
"You fiend!"
"Satisfied?" he wiped his lips, grimacing a little once he realized he'd gotten blood on them. "Or do you need a better demonstration?"
Ruby beat him to it. "Eeeeeeew! No, no, no!"
"I've seen enough." Blake blanched, wrenching her gaze away. "You can't possibly be Adam. He would sooner hack off his lips than tongue Weiss."
The involved parties squawked.
"I am right here!/There was no tongue, damnit!" Both turned to glare at one another. "Shut up!/You first!"
"Alright." Qrow stood and wiped a mirthful tear from his eye. "Alright. I've had enough insanity for one day. You kids can handle things from here, right?"
Ruby clung onto his arm like a limpet. "But uncle Qrooow! What about training?! You promised!"
"No buts!" he nudged her into Yang's arms. "I'll stop by the give you a few lessons tomorrow...and I'm sure Summer will get involved, too."
Naruto saw the precise moment Ruby's brain rebooted. Her silver eyes grew misty. "It still doesn't feel real...
"Heh. Tell me about it." Yang sniffled only a little. "Feels nice."
"Where did Mom run off to, anyway?"
Qrow pursed his lips.
"You don't wanna know.
(.0.0.0.)
A door on Patch creaked open.
Taiyang's jaw clicked open with an audible pop.
"Summer?!"
"Hey, loverboy. Miss me~?"
He didn't have time for anything more than that before his wife tackled him to the floor.
(.0.0.0.)
"Like I said, you don't wanna know. I'll tell you when you're older."
"Awwww...!"
Naruto looked away as Qrow began to bid his goodbyes but Ruby and Yang clung on, wringing more promises of training from him Naruto looked on and felt a curious tugging sensation in what passed for his host's black heart. Right. Summer. He'd forgotten all about her. Ruby and Yang had lost their mother long ago; Summer Rose would still be lost if not for the Brother's and their meddling. He couldn't begrudge the girls for that, but it did nothing to lessen the sting.
...must be nice, having a parent brought back to life. Not that he'd know what that felt like.
"Alright, alright!" Yang thrashed her way upright, demanding his attention. "I get Blake, but why show the rest of us this?"
"This jerk," Amber elbowed him, "Thought it would be funny to spook you."
Lilac eyes flashed red. "Is that so?"
"Well, it was-ow!" Naruto coughed and found himself bent double as Amber kicked his shin. "Spoilsport! Let me have this!"
"In any case, we only came here this as a courtesy," Amber temporized with the wave of a hand, reaching down to rub his back with the other. "Naruto told me Blake was...ahem." she coughed into a fist and looked away with rosy cheeks. "Involved with Taurus. We didn't want to cause any...confusion for what comes next."
Blake's bow twitched. "Wait? What comes next...?"
"Oh, nothing important." Naruto's grin resembled Adam's just a little too much for everyone's liking. "Just destabilizing the White Fang in Mistral and staging a hostile takeover. You wouldn't be interested."
Her ears perked up. "Tell me more."
Yang groaned. "Now he's done it. Bastard went and flipped her switch."
Ruby cocked her head. "Sooo...you're gonna use that body to fight bad guys? Is that what you mean?"
Naruto quirked his unbranded eye at Weiss. The Schnee hissed at him from her bed. Well. Impression made there.
"See?" the wraith looked to Amber, unable to hide the spark of righteous pride that followed. "Told you they'd be interested."
Amber had argued long and hard against this course of action, but in the end Ozpin overruled her. Adam's body, the fact that many thought he'd all but risen from the dead...it was simply too good an opportunity to pass up. They knew Salem had her hooks in the White Fang, or plans for them at the very least. What better way to root them out then to infiltrate the organization itself? That and it was a chance to get back at the White Fang for launching an assault on Beacon.
Maybe it was the whole being dead bit, but he was still feeling mighty vengeful about that.
"We're not leaving yet, of course." he couldn't help but notice the way Blake flinched when he spoke. "Its just something to consider. If you want to help-
The loudspeakers blared overhead, cutting him short.
"Would Naruto and Amber please report to my office." Ozpin's voice ran through, sounding a touch strained. "I repeat, Naruto and Amber please report to the headmaster's office."
"Again?!" He all but flung up his arms. "We just got out of there! Let us advance the plot already, damnit!"
Amber slapped her forehead. "Children, the lot of you."
"On second thought, belay that." Ozpin's voice came back immediately, and this time there could be no mistaking his harried tone. "She's headed your way. Just," they heard him swallow, "Try not to kill one another. I'll be there in a moment."
Everyone exchanged a baffled look. "Eh? Who are we waiting for-
They soon had their answers; for the door crashed open, nearly swatting Naruto in the back.
"Me."
Cinder Fall strode in, grinning from ear to ear,like the cat that caught the canary and slaughtered its entire species. She walked into their midst hale and healthy and healed; devoid of her injuries. Utterly unafraid. Amber hissed and recoiled, looking like she'd been shot. Ruby wasn't far behind.
"Get behind me!"
The elder huntsman lurched forward and shoulder-checked Cinder aside, physically slamming the madwoman into a wall with Harbinger's hilt. The former maiden caught the naked edge with one hand, smiling in the face of certain death. Aura sparked wildly. Weiss flailed off her bed even as Yang and Blake went for their weapons.
"My, my." the madwoman laughed -actually laughed!- at the lot of them. "How rude. Is this any way to treat a guest?"
"You're no guest!"
Naruto yanked Adam's blade free from its sheathe, Wilt escaping Blush with a raspy of angry air. Cinder batted it aside with a lazy swat of her free hand. It was the pebble that started the avalanche. Weapons flashed free one after the other. Cylinders clicked into place. Edges came down around her throat, hemming the criminal in where she stood. And yet still she showed not a single sign of fear.
Amber rammed her staff "Who let you out?!"
"Why your dear headmaster of course." Cinder's smile didn't falter in the least, seemingly ignorant of the dust crystal even now seething against her ribs. "He all but tripped over himself once I told him of my new master. I'm here with his blessing...among others." There was something about the way she said that word. "After all," To make matters worse, she all but confirmed their suspicions a heartbeat later. "He wouldn't dare refuse the envoy of a dark god."
Amber went white. "No...
"Oh, yes." Cinder preened. "Care to guess my patron's name?"
Naruto frowned. Surely the God of Darkness wouldn't do something like that...no, he probably would. He was chaos incarnate after all.
His frown redoubled, eyes shimmering with heat. "Envoy or not, you can still die. I don't trust a word you say."
"Impudent boy." Golden eyes narrowed upon him. "Dead men shouldn't speak ill of the living."
"Don't worry," he snarled, "You'll be joining me in a minute-
Qrow's scroll rang. The dorm went silent.
Cinder's smile turned positively predatory. "Aren't you going to get that?"
He growled. "It can wait."
Her grin grew. "Can it?"
With a long suffering sigh, Branwen pulled one hand away from Harbinger's hilt and stabbed a hand into his pocket. Cinder pointedly lowered her hands as he did. The huntsman flicked a quick glance down, only to scowl at the caller ID labelled within. Ozpin's face stared back at him for all of a moment before he rammed it against his ear.
"Yeah?" he snarled. "Oz? What the...she is...?! Really?! Well, of course not!" his brow furrowed further. "The kids are pissed! I really don't think that's a good idea."
"Feel free to try." Cinder spread her arms wide. "As I said, I've been blessed. You cannot kill me. And besides, we're on the same side."
"Nope."
Naruto twitched and Adam's body responded accordingly.
Cinder's head slipped from her shoulders and struck the floor with a wet thunk. Ruby and the rest cried out and scrambled back at the sudden brutality, to no avail. Her skull turned to ash a moment later, wafting away in a manner not unlike that of a Grimm. Shadow stemmed from her ruined neck; before their very eyes, she simply regrew what she'd lost.
It didn't even take a minute.
Qrow gagged. "Oh, that is complete bullshit! Since when did that happen?!"
"My mistress cannot die." Golden eyes sought Amber's as the last of her face restored itself. "Our benefactor sought to...what's the saying?" she touched a thumb to her chin. "Ah, yes. He wished to even the playing field, such as it was. We're on the same side." her fingers snapped but once, conjuring up a sphere of vicious violet flame. "What need have I for the might of a Maiden when I possess the gifts of a God?"
"But you're a murderer!"
"What of it, little rose?" The former maiden blinked. "Oh." a slow, lazy smile spread across her pale face, darkening it with bleak glee. "I'm sorry, were you under the impression I felt guilty about my crimes?"
"I'll kill you." Amber hissed the words through clenched teeth. "I'll absolutely kill you. You'll pay for what you've done! You won't get away with this!"
"Do try, dears." Cinder made a show of inspecting the fingers of her restored left hand. "You might do better than most. But you'll fail."
Naruto exhaled in a short, sharp plume of breath. He and Amber exchanged a slow, measured look between themselves.
Cinder's grin grew. "Go ahead. Try. You'll learn your place in the pecking order, one way or another."
Well, that tore it. As one, the duo nodded. Cinder quirked a brow at the sudden capitulation, but made no attempt to stop them when they stepped forward. Wholly at her ease with all the grace of a reborn phoenix, she didn't even try to defend herself against what came next. A hand closed around her throat, wrenching her away from the wall and off to one side. She barked a laugh. Indeed, she was still smiling when the unlikely duo tackled her through a window.
Together, the three of them crashed into the courtyard below with the fury of a thousand storms.
Qrow leaned down, peered through the gaping aperture, and swore softly.
"I don't get paid enough for this...
A/N: Cinder is still Cinder, it seems.
Makes sense Summer would want some after being dead for that long.
Felt good to write something quick and silly.
New Gods of Remnant and the rest will be updated soon. Don't really have a set order, just trying to update as fast and quickly as I can.
Wolf in Sheep's Clothing -by Set it Off- really is a hell of a drug. I always listen to it while writing this story.
As ever, reviews are my fuel, without them my engine shall fall lifeless and cold.
What can I say? Writing is my passion. Always has been, always will be.
So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review...Would You Kindly?
And enjoy the previews!
WARNING. Spoilers.
(FUTURE! Previews!)
Sienna leaned back in her throne. "Welcome back, Adam. Aren't you supposed to be dead?"
Naruto did his best not to grin. "I got better."
She frowned. "Yes, so I've heard...
Let the games begin.
Hazel raised a dust-empowered fist. "You've spouted your last insult, traitor. Its time to die. I'll try to make it painless."
Cinder threw her head back and laughed. "Oh, that's just precious. By all means! Try!"
A fireball crashed into Hazel's chest"and sent him spinning.
"Jinn."
"My, my." startled blue eyes blinked back at him. "This is new."
Naruto felt the beginnings of a crooked grin pluck at the corner of his spectral mouth. "Hey. Amber...I think I just fell in love."
"Of course the gods cheat! Did you expect anything less?! They're gods! They never play fair!
And you've given them the excuse to turn Remnant into their own personal playground!" she flung up her arms. "Honestly, I'm surrounded by idiots!
"Owww..."
Summer tapped her head. "Again."
Ruby dove at her mother in a whirl of red cloth. She'd make her proud. She swore it.
R&R~!