Author's Note:
I have been on a bit of an Evangelion rewatch kick lately. As you can imagine, these last couple of months have been pretty difficult, and I found myself revisiting what has quickly become one of my favorite animes, if not overall TV shows, of all time. My idea for this story pre-dates recent events–in fact I have a completely different draft hanging around somewhere on my computer. However, after getting stuck in quarantine I found myself completely restarting it from scratch (and putting off some-ahem–other fanfics I should really be working on).
Basically, the impetus behind this fic was that most of the post-EoE stories I've read don't really focus on the slow rebuilding of society after Shinji reverses Third Impact. Some of them will completely skip ahead to a future where society rebuilt, some will focus on a world where it's just Shinji and Asuka who came back, some start off that way but then morph into Peggy Sue fics. Not that I have anything against these stories, but I guess this fanfic fulfills the same itch most fanfic writers have: the desire to see the story you want out of your favorite book, movie, TV show, franchise, etc.
So a couple things. One, this is going to be something of a slow burn. There's not gonna be a whole lot of action, which may seem counterintuitive for a fanfic based on the definitive mecha anime, but let's face it part of what made Evangelion so haunting was its non-action moments. Two is that this fanfic is an experiment for me: I'm formatting these chapters as though they are an episodic follow-up to the original Evangelion series. So there's gonna be story arcs, character-focused "episodes", that sort of thing. I am also more or less stream-of-consciousing the plot, but I do have some set plot beats I want to hit. Depending on where I want something to go, I might come back and edit previous chapters, but I don't plan on any major retcons that'll affect your experience following along. Third is that this is my first foray into the world of Evangelion fanfiction, which I have been told can be quite unforgiving. So please keep an open mind, and maybe we'll learn something from this.
So...where do we begin? Right where we left off?
A crimson red sky.
A white, sandy beach.
Ruins.
So much destruction.
A crying boy.
A pathetic child.
A child incapable of love.
A child incapable of showing affection.
A child incapable of showing affection when you needed it most.
A disgusting pervert.
Moron.
Idiot.
Stupid.
Crybaby.
Get off of me.
No, stay there.
Go away.
Be with me.
Hold me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
Look at me.
He won't even look at me.
He can't even look at me.
Why do I even try.
Why do I want to try.
Because maybe, just maybe, there was that glimmer of hope.
"Disgusting."
Episode 1: Reunion
Asuka never liked riding elevators with other people.
It just was not fun for her to be confined in a tiny space with another person. No privacy. No one to talk to. There wasn't even any muzak to distract her.
And then there was the girl with the blue hair standing nearby. The center of attention in this godforsaken place. Little miss perfect doll.
"You still resent her."
Wait. This wasn't how it happened.
"What?" Asuka asked.
Rei stayed where she was. "After all that has happened, you still resent the one known as Rei Ayanami."
"And why shouldn't I?" Asuka retorted.
Silence.
"You of all people should understand!" she shouted. "Tossed around like a little doll! Made to feel like shit! Manipulated as part of some grand scheme!"
"Surely if you believe Rei Ayanami understands, then it goes to show that you understand, as well."
Asuka fumed. "So?"
"Ayanami was manipulated as you were. Another pawn. Yet you still express resentment."
Asuka took a deep breath. "Look at me."
No response.
"Don't think you can fool me, there's still something of the First Child in here with me, face me so I can talk to you."
Slowly, Rei turned to face Asuka with the same vacant gaze. The gaze Asuka despised.
"All those voices swimming around in your head and yet there's still one concept you've never accepted."
"And what is that?"
Slam.
Rei seemed to vaguely register shock that she had been shoved against the elevator door, though she showed no intimidation at the face glaring at her from mere inches away.
Not that she really could be intimidated.
"It doesn't matter what truth or facts are out there. The way I feel about you? That doesn't just disappear with knowledge." Asuka released her hold on Rei and stepped back.
"You are being irrational."
"Well, sometimes emotions are irrational. We wouldn't be here if they were."
A long silence.
"I want out."
Silence.
"I don't want to be here."
Silence.
"There's nothing here for me. Mama is gone. Kaji never loved me. I want to leave."
There was a loud crack as the elevator shattered around them into thousands of pieces, leaving behind only a black void where Asuka and Rei remained.
"It's all just noise. Millions of souls in one place. And none of them are the ones I want to hear."
"There is no one else out there," Rei replied.
"Yes there is and you know it."
Shinji's form materialized nearby.
"Because he sure as hell isn't here with us."
Shinji's form disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared.
"If he is the Shinji Ikari you remember," Rei said slowly. "Then surely you harbor the same resentment to him as you do to me."
"…I do. I hate his guts."
"Yet you would rather be with him than stay here."
"Yeah, well… I have my reasons."
Rei kept her gaze on Asuka. It was always impossible to tell what Rei was thinking. That's what made it so hard for Asuka to like her. Well, that and Rei's immediate disinterest in her when they first met. "He needs you," she nodded. "Much like you need him."
No response.
"Asuka."
"What?"
"Will you be alright?"
That question surprised Asuka. "I…I don't know," she replied earnestly, which surprised her even more. "But I hope so."
Rei's form was already starting to fade. "I wish you luck, Asuka." And then she was gone.
For a moment Asuka felt utterly and totally alone. It was a feeling she did not relish.
She swallowed. "Goodbye, Rei."
The next thing Asuka remembered was waking up along a shoreline. Pushing herself off the ground, she barely even registered the bandages covering her body, or the damage surrounding her. She could only think of one thing: Find Shinji.
It didn't take much searching for her to find signs of his presence. Footsteps in the sand. A few abandoned campfires. Some trash.
In the distance she could see who she was looking for. But before she could get closer she came across a curious sight: a group of wood posts propped up in a circle.
Getting a closer look, she realized there were names on them: "Kensuke Aida." "Ryoji Kaji." The one labelled "Misato Katsuragi" had that little trinket Major Katsuragi always wore around her neck.
"Bitch," Asuka muttered under her breath. Her eyes darted back and forth as it double-checked each name on the posts. Where was hers?
Soon she found it. A solemn, burnt, plank of wood with the words "Asuka" carved on it. No surnames. Just "Asuka."
This wouldn't do. Asuka raised her leg and kicked the sign down. "Risen from the dead," she remarked.
The night sky towered above her. She could still see the streak of blood leftover from Lilith's destruction, so powerful it had even left a dark red patch on the moon.
Everything was gone. Everyone was gone. Just the two of them.
They were supposed to be the protectors of the world, the real heroes. So why was there so much destruction? Why had there been so much death?
Asuka never closed her exposed eye, but she might as well have been asleep. She was so lost in thought she could barely register her surroundings. She didn't even notice Shinji waking up a few hours later, and she certainly didn't notice him staring at her with suspicion before straddling her torso with a dangerous look on his face.
She did, however, feel his hands as they cut off her windpipe. And soon reality set in: Shinji was awake, and he was trying to kill her.
But this time was different. There wasn't hatred in this action. This was fear. Fear of her presence, fear of what she represented, fear of his own mind.
And then Asuka did the only thing she could think of. She raised her hand and gently caressed Shinji's cheek.
The touch of another human. The first sign of affection Shinji had felt in a very, very long time.
His grip loosened and Asuka could finally breathe again. And soon she felt his tears dripping onto her face.
Finally, Shinji let go of her completely and buried his face in his hands as he wept.
Thoughts ran through Asuka's head. Conflicting emotions—resentment, betrayed, lust, longing. Judgment to this pathetic little child. The knowledge that he had gone through the same things she did.
They weren't so different, really.
And it made her feel sick.
They said nothing after Shinji finally stood up and began walking away from the beach with Asuka following closely behind. When they got to the house, Shinji didn't even invite Asuka in, simply leaving the door open for her.
Asuka stepped inside, remembering to close the door behind her, and immediately noticed a framed portrait on the wall of a smiling elderly couple. These were, she assumed, the previous owners of this house.
Clearly the house hadn't been abandoned during the evacuation of Tokyo-3, likely because judging by their location they were pretty far along the outskirts of the ruined city. Presumably the parts she was most familiar with were buried under the sea of LCL.
Asuka continued down the hallway until she finally arrived in the kitchen. Shinji had a portable gas burner running, and two open packs of instant ramen, which he was preparing in a small pot.
She watched quietly as he placed the noodles into the soon-boiling water and let them cook. She said nothing as he looked up and motioned for her to sit at a nearby table. And neither of them said a word when Shinji was finished cooking and they were both eating.
Asuka finished before Shinji, but instead of cleaning she simply sat in her chair and watched him eat.
It took a moment for Shinji to notice. It made him stop eating, expecting her to say something.
She didn't. Instead, she stood up, walked over to the door into the first-floor bedroom, and slid it shut behind her.
Shinji sat alone at the table. Suddenly he didn't feel like eating anymore.
The room felt the way it had felt since the day he found the place and moved in so long ago.
It had been the first intact household he'd found when he woke up, so he had simply broken the locks on the door, found a bed, and gone to sleep. When he awoke he did some exploring and found it was actually a decent home for his situation: there was a backup generator that he only needed to refill with gas every few days, a greenhouse where he could harvest produce for some better nutrition, and a well where he could get water for drinking and bathing.
Granted, it wasn't perfect: although most of the house was intact, the roof had been blown off by some debris from the N2 mine blast, leaving the entire second floor exposed to the elements. It had been difficult, but Shinji managed to install some tarps to provide a decent amount of coverage, but it didn't provide much insulation—until he could come up with a permanent solution that would keep the upper floor warm, Shinji had taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom on the 1st floor.
Well, apparently that was Asuka's room now.
He was gonna miss that room. He doubted he was going to find a better, more intact house with more rooms, and certainly not one this close to the shore. Apparently he would have to settle for the living room floor.
Just like old times.
Asuka stared up the ceiling. She was drained. Drained from the millions of voices she once heard in her head abruptly disappearing. Drained from her and Shinji's reunion. Drained from having to be in his presence again.
But sleep would not come.
The only thing she could think about was how she was occupying the bed Shinji had probably been using for the past several weeks, and how that poor pathetic idiot was probably curled up on the floor outside.
But she couldn't go out there and give him a blanket and a pillow. No, there was only one blanket anyway. As far as she knew, that is—she hadn't really explored the house yet. No. No, he was going to have to sleep on the floor.
The whole thing reminded her of their first few nights together, when they trained to pilot the EVAs in sync.
A thought was racing through her mind, of something she knew she had unconsciously done the night before their second attack against the seventh angel. Would she do it again?
No, she couldn't. Because what if that was taking advantage of him? What would he do then?
He wouldn't do anything, obviously, he was traumatized from everything.
But how would he react? Would he question his reality once more and try to kill her all over again?
Such were the thoughts racing through her head. Asuka couldn't sleep.
Shinji slept. He was very tired.
Sunrise Over Ruins
Asuka awoke to the sound of a door closing.
She was still exhausted—she'd only had two hours of sleep after finally dozing off, but something about that door shutting didn't seem right.
She climbed out of bed and slid open her own door to find an empty living room.
She didn't even call out his name. She just knew he wasn't there anymore.
The sun rose above the shores of the ocean of LCL, casting a melancholic glow on the destruction. Asuka followed the footprints all the way to the shoreline, where she found Shinji staring out towards the gruesome remains of Lilith, whose appearance resembled that of Rei's more than Asuka was comfortable with.
Asuka quietly approached Shinji and thought of things to say.
"Slept well?" No. "Are you okay?" No, he's not. "It's gonna be okay." No, it's not.
Finally she simply sat down next to Shinji and looked out along the horizon.
She truly took in her surroundings for the first time. A sea of LCL lay before them. Ruins of civilization as far as the eye could see. The utter silence in the remnants of Tokyo-3.
It was all hopeless. They were completely and utterly alone.
She didn't even realize she was crying until she felt Shinji's arms around her.
"It's gonna be okay," he whispered. "We're gonna be okay."
Asuka pushed him away. "Don't lie to me," she said viciously. "It's never going to be okay, Shinji, so don't tell me that." She made a point to look out at the horizon, away from him.
Shinji sat down on the ground beside her. "I'm… really happy to see you again."
"Yeah, well, you have a funny way of showing it," Asuka replied, intentionally rubbing her neck around where Shinji had clutched it.
Shinji didn't respond. He looked at the ground.
Asuka sighed. "I'm…really happy to see you again, too, Shinji."
That seemed to cheer him up a bit.
For a long time they just sat there, staring off into the horizon, fully recognizing the fact that they were in each other's presence once more.
"I'm sorry."
Oh, she hated hearing him say those two words. Remembering his reflexive apologies, his constant cowardice. But instead of chewing him out for it, she simply asked, "For what?"
"Everything."
"No. Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Don't just say 'everything' and expect it to be okay. You can't apologize for everything at once, Shinji. Be specific."
"…I'm sorry for trying to kill you yesterday."
"Good."
"And I'm sorry for letting you—"
"No! You still don't get it! I need time, Shinji." She looked at him. "You know why I came back, Shinji? There's nothing in that ocean, there's no sense of self, there's no time, it's all just…everyone and everything at once. I didn't want that, because it meant I couldn't deal with all that happened on my own time. So we're not going to rush any apologies, Shinji. We'll start with one, and we'll gradually work in the rest."
A brief silence. "So…eventually, you'll forgive me?"
"For what? Everything?"
Shinji nodded.
Asuka looked out at the horizon and thought about it. "…I don't know," she said finally.
Shinji looked down at the ground. "I'm…I'm okay with that."
Asuka kept her gaze locked on the horizon. "I'm sorry."
"…for what?"
She took a deep breath. "For slapping you when we first met."
A stunned silence.
And then a gentle laugh.
"Hey. Hey! Don't laugh at that, I'm serious!"
But Shinji couldn't stop laughing. It was starting to crescendo, and Asuka caught herself starting to laugh as well.
Neither were sure where this was coming from. Maybe it was the sheer absurdity that this was the first thing Asuka thought to apologize for. Maybe it was their relief at seeing each other again after so long. Maybe it was the bittersweet memory of simpler times in their life.
But for one shared moment, they both genuinely believed everything would be okay.