I lost my father to a heart attack a few months ago. This story is a response to the emotions and the feelings that have been whirling around in my head since. I had to do something to get the why's, the what if's, and the frustration out of my head and into the written word. Had to find some way to, if not free myself of them completely, then at least lessen the pain they bring me. This is in his memory.
Disclaimer: The TMNT and other characters shown in the TMNT Cartoons are registered trademarks of Mirage Studios USA. Based on characters and comic books created by Peter A. Laird and Kevin B. Eastman.
I mean no copyright infringement. Please don't sue me, I don't have any money; I already spent all of it on Ninja Turtle merchandise. :o)
Note: This is a sequel to my story When Raphael Cries. It begins approximatly two weeks afterwards. This is outside normal continuity, but set vaguely after the defeat of Shredder in Exodus and the events of Prodigal Son. The Good Genes and Lost Episode arcs have not yet happened.
Double note: Many thanks to Domi for taking the time out of her busy schedule to look over the story for me. Kudos!
And these external manners of lament Are merely shadows to the unseen grief That swells with silence in the tortured soul." -- William Shakespeare
"My grief lies all within,
Shadows to the Unseen.
Leonardo
Fall is coming to New York. The leaves on the trees in Central Park are already turning brown, and the air is turning colder. It's getting dark and I know it will get even colder when the sun goes down. I'll be back to the lair by then, I don't want Mike to start worrying. He's been doing a lot of that lately.
I know I probably should have stayed, Don hasn't been taking Sensei's death so well and Mike's so sad and worried about Don his game scores have reached an all time low. Personally I think he's worrying about Don so he doesn't have to think about his own pain. Raph's taking it like Raph takes everything, with a large helping of anger on the side; he hasn't thought about any of us..all he's thought about is himself.
Heh..look what I'm saying..I don't think I've acted much different tonight going off by myself. I should have stayed, but I had to get out had to think about some things.
So much has happened in the past few months. I feel so many emotions rushing around inside my head at different times; anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, despair, fear.… it's almost overwhelming. I feel like someone's yanked the rug out from underneath my feet without warning and now I'm flat on my shell and wondering what the hell hit me.
Except I know what hit me…my father is dead.
There's an empty place in my life, in my heart and in my mind where my father should be, and I don't know how to comprehend that emptiness. I can't quite fit my mind around it. It's like my life is one big puzzle, and there's one key piece missing to complete the picture. But I've lost that piece, and there's no way I'll ever find it again. It was the most important piece, a piece without which the picture will forever be incomplete, its beauty marred by sadness and grief.
How long has it been, two weeks? It feels like a lifetime. A lifetime of pain and doubt and disbelief. Even when I was standing in front of his grave I still couldn't believe my father was actually dead. It's like some sort of nightmare that I desperately with I could wake up from. It all seems so unreal.
My Sensei, my mentor..my father.
Now I understand why Raph spends so much time out here in the city. When I'm out here on the rooftops it's easy to loose yourself and to think about other things, it's easy to pretend that nothing happened. I can sit up here and look at the birds and the buildings, and imagine that Splinter will be there when I get home. I can imagine myself walking into the lair and seeing that Splinter is waiting there in his room, meditating or getting ready for our day's training. He might even be sitting on the couch watching his Soap. My son…he will say it was only a nightmare, I am here. I will never leave you again. But being down there, seeing Donnie the way he is and seeing Mike and Raph..looking at the door to Sensei's room then it's real again..
I feel the sting of tears and I wipe them away.
This is not happening, I've told myself over and over again since the night he died in front of us. This is not happening.
But it is. It has happened, my father is gone…and yet…I still don't want to accept it. I can't accept it…because accepting it would mean that he is really gone.
A gust of wind sends the tails of my mask flapping around my shoulders.. I'm starting to feel the chill in my blood, I know I should go back but for some reason I just want to stay up here a moment longer. I want to stare up at the darkening sky, and see the stars coming out as the sun goes down…I want to look at something other than sadness.
Once I go down there I can't pretend anymore that everything will be all right. It won't.
Our father is dead and no amount of pretending and wishing can bring him back, it won't magic the pain away. I don't know if the pain will ever go away.
He asked us never to forget the lessons he taught us, both in the ways of Ninjitsu and in the ways of life, to never forget how much he loved us.. but forgetting was never the problem; we could never ever forget everything he'd taught us, how much he loved us…how proud he was of us.
We just don't want to let go..we just can't let go.
On top of it all I've just been handed the biggest responsibility of my life..the responsibility over this family.
Right now I don't know if I can handle it.
I'm still teenager myself, I'm barely a few minutes older than my brothers..and yet I've been given the job of leading, training, teaching and guiding them? What about discipline? It was hard enough trying to keep Raph in line when I had Splinter there to help calm him down, to take over when Raph wouldn't listen to me. Even after everything I've learned from the Ancient One I don't have nearly enough experience to continue our Ninja training. How can I teach them when I still haven't learned all I need to know myself?
How can I guide them when I myself need guidance? I've never been the type to shy away from responsibility, I've never been afraid to do what needed to be done.
Now however, I am afraid. I'm afraid of the task that lies ahead of me..yet afraid of what will happen if I don't take up where Splinter left off.
Most of all I'm afraid for our family.
When Sensei died it hurt us worse than any enemy ever has or ever could. We're all in so much pain it feels like we're drowning, we can cry and show our grief on the outside..but those emotions are only shadows of what we're really feeling inside.
I remember a poem I read once by William Shakespeare, My grief lies all within he wrote and these external manners of lament and these external manners of lament, are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul.
I didn't really understand what he was talking about when I first read it..but now I do.
Oh I do, I really, really do.
I'm going to have to be the one now that keeps us together, I'm going to have to put my own pain aside, and even though I feel like I'm dying inside I'm going to have to take my feelings and put them in a box in the back of my mind. I'm going to have to be strong for myself and for my brothers, because it's my responsibility now. And I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it because I have to, because they are my brothers, everything I have left in this world.. because I'll do anything for them. I'd give my life for them.
I just don't know if I'm ready for it.
Have I earned the honor of taking over where Sensei left off?
Will I guide our family with the same, dignity and benevolence that he did?
My Shell Cell is going off now, and without knowing how I know that something's wrong. With a chill running down my spine that has nothing to do with the cold night air I take out my Shell Cell and immediately Casey starts to talk. It's a jumble of words and it all comes out at once, so fast I can barely catch it.
"Leo somethin' bad's happened. You, Mike and Don have gotta meet me at April's. Raph's in trouble!"
"Calm down Casey," I tell him, trying to keep my own voice calm. "Tell me what happened."
"Raph wanted ta go out and blow off some steam, I told him ta go beat up his punchin' bag or somethin' cause I was sure he was gonna get inta trouble but he wouldn't listen. So I went with him in case somethin' bad happened. We were kickin' some Purple Dragon butt down on the docks when Hun showed up with a gun and shot Raph in the shoulder! He made me get outta there so I could warn you guys..Leo Hun took off with Raph! We gotta go get him before Hun does somethin even worse to him."
Suddenly my uncertainty about our future is forgotten, now all I think about is the danger of the present. Damn it Raphael!Of all the times to go out and get into trouble he couldn't have picked a worse one.
I take a minute to get my bearings in the sea of buildings below me and I turn my attention back to Casey.
"I'll be at April's in ten minutes Casey."
"You want me ta call Mikey and Donnie?"
"Thanks Casey, but this is something they need to hear from me." I'm already moving as I end the call and dial the number for Don's Shell Cell. I know there's a chance he might be in one of his bad spots now, but I have to talk to him. I've got the beginnings of a plan and I need him at my side with a clear mind.
Strange a few minutes ago I was wondering whether or not I'm ready to take over the responsibility of this family, and now I've got the chance to find out.
I just hope it isn't at the cost of Raphael's life.