Disclaimer: We own nothing
A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Last year after watching the episode Fugue in Red I decided to go online and look up some fics. I stumbled across this fic called Procellus by Brown Eyes Parker, I was intrigued by the idea of "What if Lisbon let Jane go?" and then my own idea of what could have happened starting working its way through my mind. I debated it for a while and then started writing stuff down. 74 pages of excerpts later I knew I needed to post this story one day and my sister agreed. It was set when through Lavinia and The Best Mistake I became fast friends with Brown Eyes Parker and discovered she was the author of the fic that inspired this one. I guess it really was meant to be.
A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: So glad my sister started this story, its one of the best ones. Of course I say that for all of her ideas. This chapter is all her, but next chapter I take a crack at this AU. Cat is one of my favorite characters in this story, she's just so cute. And I love Red John here. One of the first times we truly use our favorite foe and boy does he play a huge role in this story. I hope you like it.
Note: This fic is an AU from Fugue in Red, that means things are different. For one, Wainwright is alive and well! Jane being gone like this means that he didn't get killed in Nevada. For another, Benjamin Rigsby does NOT exist. We thought about adding him in but in the end we realized that Rigsby still having a baby with Sarah just did not fit our vision of this fic, more than that, we both really hated that storyline so since this is an AU we are just going to pretend that it never happened because really, it works out better for the story this way.
The Wages of Sin
Chapter 1: Original Sin
For the wages of sin is death… Romans 6:23
When Jane walked in with the pretty brunette in the tight dress Lisbon was certain that the man she'd grown close to for so many years was gone. That thought terrified her to no end, she wanted him back, she wanted to be selfish here and put Jane back to the way he was.
But she couldn't.
His pleading, "I'm happy now… just let me be happy" kept repeating in her head. It was true; he was free from pain, guilt and depression. Unfortunately he was also cruel, selfish and a real jackass. His charm was still there but it wasn't the good kind, he reminded her of a snake now, one intent on only getting exactly what he wanted.
She did what she could to hide that bit of pain that he was leaving, even when she handed over his paycheck. He scoffed at the amount which was so different from the old Jane, the one who used to just pocket the checks and get back to work. Money had meant nothing to him then.
Now all the man wanted to do was leave so he could con people to get it.
He gave them all a grand goodbye, making a terrible pun that the old Jane would have rolled his eyes at before turning around with the chippy on his arm.
Lisbon watched him leave with a heavy heart, wishing that things were different but hating that it would mean causing the man she cared about more than anyone, so much pain. For a second she changed her mind, she hurried out of the bullpen and down the hall. "Jane!"
He stopped and turned, giving her his toothpaste smile. "Yes?"
She stared at him, perfect hair, trophy girl on his arm, the exact opposite of the man she wanted him to be.
But his eyes weren't haunted by blood and demons either.
"I'll miss you," she told him honestly, instantly regretting that her voice was soft with longing.
There was a knowing smirk on his face. "I have a feeling I'll be seeing you soon."
Lisbon wondered about that as she stumbled back to the bullpen, angry at herself for letting him go and sad because she knew that she might never see him again. "God he's such an ass now," Grace declared.
"How does he do it?" Rigsby wondered, "be a jerk but still get a girl like that?"
"He cons them," Cho muttered from his desk, "now he's going to go out and con more people."
There was a long moment of silence as they all recognized that their friend was undoubtedly going to go out and do very bad things…and they were going to let him. It was Grace who turned to look at Lisbon, her eyes filled with hope. "Is there something we can do…something that can help him get his memory back?"
Lisbon looked away, haunted by an idea that had formed in her mind days ago. Yes there might be a way to help him remember, it would mean forcing him to relive the worst moment of his life though. She'd seen him go through so much pain, it terrified her that she would have to cause him more.
"I'm happy now…just let me be happy."
She shook her head and lied. "No, there's nothing we can do." Lisbon turned and walked towards her office to convince herself that she was doing the right thing.
She could live with this sin
10 Months Later
New Orleans, Louisiana was riding high on Mardi Gras and Harrah's Hotel and Casino was filled to the brim of rich fat cats willing to drink and gamble away their money as a part of the festivities. Patrick Jane was only too happy to help them part ways with some of their cash. First he played a little poker, with two very lovely ladies flanking him for "luck", not that he needed it but they provided a good distraction for the men at the table. He'd won easily, racking in over a quarter million in one game. Not bad.
Now it was time to for his favorite part, putting on a show.
Sherry was helping him put on his make up so the lights didn't wash him out, it was important he dazzle everyone, especially the ladies. "There, all done."
"Thanks, baby," He told her, making her blush and smile. Oh he could have her eating out of his hand if he really wanted to.
He got out of the chair and checked his appearance one last time. Perfect hair, dazzling smile and a pristinely tailored suit.
Show time.
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"You think he's really here?" Rigsby asked as Cho pulled the rental car into the parking lot outside of the casino. It had been hell getting through traffic from the airport with the parades going on and the streets lined with masked people, all celebrating the festival by catching plastic beads and getting drunk.
"There's drunk stupid rich people around," Cho pointed out, "of course he's here." Cho pulled out his cell phone and punched in Lisbon's number, after two rings she answered. "Yeah, we're at the casino."
"Have you seen him yet?"
"Still looking," Cho said, actually glancing around the room.
"I know where he's at," Rigsby told him, pointing to a sign that was standing up in the middle of the floor. Featuring the Amazing Psychic Patrick Jane shows at 9:00 and 10:30
Cho nodded. "He's got a show going on right now."
He heard Lisbon's ragged sigh. She wasn't surprised, none of them were but he knew it had to hurt her to be right this time. "Okay, you know what to do. Just…don't tell him anything."
"Right, boss." He hung up his phone and turned back to Rigsby. "Let's get him."
"But he's on stage."
Cho didn't care, just walked through the doors, flashing his badge when an usher tried to stop him.
Their old friend was on stage…except this man was nothing like the Patrick Jane they knew so well.
He was framed by bright lights, a microphone in his hand, his other was pointed out towards the audience and he had his eyes closed. It was as if he was concentrating very hard on hearing the spirits, though they knew it was just an act.
"I'm sensing something," he said and a hush fell over the room, "a woman…Caroline."
"That's my mother's name!" A woman from the third row piped up.
"Yes, your mother," Jane said, smiling now. "She died recently…suddenly…it was a heart attack."
"How did you—?"
"Shhh," Jane told her stepping closer, "She's speaking to me." He paused for a long time, as if listening and waiting. "Dragonflies."
"She loved dragonflies," the woman said.
"That's her pendant, you wear it now because it reminds you of her," Jane told her. "I'm getting something else…she wants you to know that she's watching out for you and the baby."
Now she gasped again. "How did you know I was pregnant?"
"I told you, your mother is speaking to me," Jane replied smoothly, "she wants you to know that she will be watching her granddaughter grow up, so don't feel sad. She sees you and her everyday, she loves you both so much."
Cho and Rigsby exchanged looks, they knew this game very well. In a few more minutes the "reading" was over and Jane exited the stage to thunderous applause. That is when Cho and Rigsby made their way to the backstage area where he would be getting unwinding, probably waiting for some groupie to come by wanting a private session.
Well they were going to disappoint him.
They didn't wait for him to answer when they knocked, they just barged right in. His charming smile fell once he saw them again, now looking very confused. "Agents Cho and Rigsby, well you're a long way from California. What brings you here?"
"We're taking you back to Sacramento, Jane," Rigsby explained.
A slow easy smile crossed his features. "Ah, you need my help with a case. Well I'm sorry but I'm much too busy to do something as mundane as police work. But if I'm back in California I might stop by and lend a hand…maybe."
"This isn't about a case."
Now he looked a little surprise, perhaps even a little upset. "Teresa is behind this."
"She needs you," Cho acknowledged.
"I imagine she truly believes that," Jane said softly. "But we all know that she is better off without me. She's a strong woman, she'll be fine."
"Jane, you have to come back."
He just shook his head. "No, I'm perfectly fine where I am. But do give Teresa my warmest regards."
"You don't have a choice," Cho told him firmly.
"What are you going to do? Drag me out of here in handcuffs."
"That's exactly what we'll do." Cho and Rigsby stepped forward; Rigsby grabbed him while Cho pulled out the handcuffs.
Jane was actually amused by this. "What exactly are you charging me with?"
"Theft, fraud, being an ass," Cho replied.
"You can't prove any of it."
"No," he agreed, "but you'll still have to come back to California anyways."
The pulled him out of the room while several women gawked at the three men. Jane smiled confidently. "This seems like a bit much for just what happened between Teresa and me." He caught the look in Cho's eyes. "Unless this isn't…what's really going on?"
Cho shook his head. "You can't know it yet."
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Whatever it is, it must be terrible then."
He was surprised when Rigsby gave him an honest reply. "Yeah…it is."
Lisbon was shut up in her office quietly waiting for the phone call she knew was coming. Sometimes she stood up and began to pace the vacant place by the white couch, she couldn't stay still. Even with her long sleeved sweater and her jacket, she still felt chilled, like she couldn't get warm anymore. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling; it had been haunting her for the past two months. Along with the paranoia, the gut wrenching fear and the tight itchy skin of her arms.
It was all a giant mess…and she only had herself to blame.
A wave of regret washed over her and Lisbon suddenly felt the strong urge to cry. She'd done a lot of that in the past couple of months, tears of anger and pain but mostly sadness and fear. It was strange that she was beginning to learn how to live with terror.
She sat down on the couch and tried to get her emotions in check, she was torn between wanting to cry and wanting to crawl under the blankets and pretend that everything was okay. All she could do was sit and try to stay calm.
"Boss…you okay?" She hadn't even noticed that her friend had come in.
Grace was standing in the doorway, looking concerned. That was the permanent expression she always saw on Grace's face these days. "Cho and Rigsby haven't called yet, but they should have Jane and be getting on the plane with him soon," Lisbon told her.
"That isn't what I asked."
Lisbon nodded glumly. "I'm as okay as I can be these days, you know how hard it is now."
Now her friend looked sad, she crossed the room and sat down next to her. "It's going to be okay."
"No, it's not," Lisbon told her honestly, "I am in so much trouble right now and Jane is going to be back in the thick of it. He's going to torture Jane again and there is nothing I can do about it." She looked away, her eyes towards the doorway, as if Jane would walk right in again. "He's going to be angry with me when he remembers."
Grace couldn't refute that claim even though she wished she could. "How are you going to do it?" she asked her, "How are you going to get him to remember?"
Lisbon stared back at her, trying to figure out how to explain something she didn't want to talk about. The truth was that it was mostly guesswork and she was terrified because she had a feeling that it would work…but she wanted so desperately to be wrong about him.
Before she could answer Grace's question, her cell phone rang. Lisbon grabbed her phone to answer it, knowing immediately who it was. "Cho, do you have him?"
"Yeah, we've got him. Taking him to the airport now."
Lisbon felt a little relieved, but not much. "Okay, Cho. I need you to do exactly as I say."
"All right."
"I need you to take Jane to his home in Malibu. Don't take him here; take him straight to his home and upstairs to the master bedroom. Let him go in alone. Don't tell him anything, just let him do it by himself."
There was a very long moment of silence. She knew that Cho recognized what all of this probably meant, he might even know what they would see when they got to Jane's old home. Finally he spoke. "Okay, we'll do that."
"Thank you, Cho," she replied.
They both hung up, there was no need to exchange goodbyes and she was sure she would hear from him again in a few hours when they landed in California. She set the phone down as if it was too heavy to hold; it felt like all of her sins were weighing on her.
And she knew she would be paying for them very soon.
"How did you know he had his old home?" Grace asked softly.
Lisbon finally met her eyes. "When he was arrested for Carter's murder, they checked what properties he owned. None here but he still had his house in Malibu."
"And seeing it again is going to help him remember?"
"Not the house," Lisbon told her honestly, "What's in it."
"What is it?"
But Lisbon didn't answer; she couldn't form the words to explain what she knew the guys would be seeing soon.
The truth was too horrible to imagine.
Cho unlocked Jane's handcuffs when the finally touched down in California, obviously recognizing that there would be no point in running now. He relaxed against the back seat of the cab; Rigsby was far too tense next to him. "Where exactly are you taking me?"
"You'll see," Cho told him vaguely.
The ride took a while but it did take them to a very beautiful neighborhood. This wouldn't be a bad place to settle down…if he actually wanted to settle down which he didn't. The driver pulled up on the side of very large home and Jane smiled. "That's a nice house."
"It's yours," Cho said, all of them getting out excepting the driver who was told to wait there.
The two guys escorted him up the home and Jane suddenly didn't want to be there anymore. He was getting a very bad feeling, like a pressure building inside of him. He knew that there was something they hadn't been telling him, a terrible tragedy that they had been tiptoeing around. He didn't want to know, he didn't want to be destroyed.
But they weren't going to take no for an answer.
They led him into the home and it was completely empty save for the tricycle that was across the room. A child…this was worse than he'd thought.
The walk up the stairs was silent as the grave but the guys stopped when they saw the closed door at the end of the hallways. He knew instinctively that whatever terrible thing they were going to reveal…he was supposed to go through this alone. He didn't want to take those last few steps but he couldn't stop himself, curiosity was a curse.
A note…there was a note on the door.
But no, that wasn't there anymore. Why did he think about that?
With barely controlled tremors he opened the door and saw an image from his nightmares.
And just like that, he remembered.
In his mind he saw the images of his wife and daughter, cut to ribbons in front of him. His family destroyed, all for his own actions and vices. It was him, his fault, his sin. All he could do was stand there and let the pain come to him, just as the tears fell from his eyes.
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Rigsby and Cho had quietly stepped away, but not before catching a glimpse of the room that contained nothing but an old mattress and blood on the wall. They stepped outside of the house, not wanting to be in there with the ghosts that haunted it. Jane needed to do this alone just as Lisbon said.
"I didn't think it was that bad," Rigsby remarked, looking up at that house, "did you?"
"Yes," Cho replied. It was the truth, for the most part.
"He must have come here sometimes…why would he do that? Why would he want to sleep under that?"
"Why does he want to sleep in the attic?" Cho asked, "It's who he is."
Rigsby was quiet, that was as close of an answer as they would get and it was probably the truth. They had all stopped trying to figure out why Jane did the things he did, the one who knew the most about him was Lisbon. But right now she was six hours away.
"Do you think it worked?" Rigsby asked, again neither one of them had an answer.
They waited for a very long time before Jane slowly stepped out of the house, he looked terrible, haggard and years older.
Like himself again.
"What happened?" He asked, his voice was low and soft, he didn't have the same mischievous look in his eye either.
"What do you remember?" Cho asked him.
Jane met his eyes. "We were at the crime scene, a firefighter was murdered, I was looking around by the water. Now we are at my house, I'd like to know why."
Rigsby and Cho exchanged looks. "Uh, you were attacked at the scene, you nearly drowned. The doctors said you were in a dissociative fugue state," Rigsby explained to him. "You didn't remember much about who you were...you didn't remember anything with Red John or us."
Jane nodded, taking a moment to accept this information. "I had amnesia…that's…that's unbelievable." He turned around to look back at the house, putting a finger to his lips as the thought about all of this. "How long?"
"Almost eleven months," Cho answered.
His eyes widened at the word months. "And you have been trying to get me out of it for that long?" Again they looked at one another and Jane must have known then. "What did I do?"
"You were like you were before," Rigsby told him honestly.
Cho was even more blunt. "You were an ass."
"Where was I?"
"Everywhere, we picked you up in New Orleans after you did a psychic show." Jane pressed his lips into a firm line then, recognizing that he really had gone back to being a conman, swindler and a scoundrel. Cho continued, "Lisbon told us to bring you here to jog your memory."
The mention of Lisbon sparked something in him. He met Cho's eyes in a flash. "How did I leave?"
"What?" Rigsby asked.
"How did I leave?" Jane repeated, "Why did I go?"
They both hesitated, glancing at one another before finally revealing the truth. "Lisbon let you go."
He nodded his head, expecting that answer but there was no denying that this was affecting him. Jane turned away again so that Cho and Rigsby couldn't see him. They didn't know exactly what he was thinking but they had a feeling he was not only processing the fact that he'd been back to being a con artist for eleven months, that he didn't remember a minute of it and most of all…that Lisbon was the one who had agreed to let him go in the first place.
She'd let him go…and hadn't decided to bring him back until now.
Finally Jane turned back, his face a stone cold mask, he wasn't letting anyone see how he was feeling now.
"Take me back to Sacramento.
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Jane didn't say another word on the car ride back to the airport; neither did Rigsby or Cho for that matter. He mostly looked out the window, staring out at the passing scenery but not seeing any of it really. Nearly a year was completely blank and that was horrifying, especially when he had no idea what he had done or what else had happened.
He didn't ask until they were waiting at the terminal for their flight, finally curiosity was getting the best of him. "What happened in the past year?"
"What do you want to know?" Rigsby asked, a bit confused on how to answer the potentially loaded question.
"Anything, everything."
He thought about it for a moment before finally saying the first thing that popped into his head. "The Giants won the Superbowl."
Jane turned his head to give Rigsby an incredulous look, making it very clear that was the last thing on his mind. But then Jane shook his head and let out a small bark of laughter. "Thanks, Rigsby…but I was hoping for something more relevant." He met their eyes. "What's changed since I've been gone?"
"Not much," Rigsby said far too quickly, meaning something had changed drastically.
"Really? After nearly a year nothing has changed, not at all?"
He looked away and shrugged. "Small things."
Jane raised an eyebrow. "Such as…?"
Cho rolled his eyes and cut to the chase mercifully. "Lisbon had a baby."
It took a few seconds for those words to sink in. He hadn't ever thought that that "Lisbon" would in any way be connected to the word "baby". The first thing he felt was something very close to pain, like a loss. Then that was replaced by anger, that emotion came easily because of everything that was gone from him now…because of her.
But that didn't leave Rigsby off the hook.
Jane glared at him. "Small things?"
Rigsby looked sheepish now. "Well she is small."
"She? Lisbon has a daughter?" Jane was having a hard time picturing all of this, instead he just shook his head again. "Well good for her." Silence settled over them again but this time it was tinged with bitterness. Jane was starting to feel like he had lost a lot more than a year of his life…and this was making him want to hit something. But there was one more thing that was more important then his rage. "What happened with Red John?" The two men looked at him a bit surprised but Jane pressed on. "You wouldn't have done all of this now without something changing. That means Red John. What happened?"
Rigsby looked at Cho for guidance but the other man gave a gentle shake of his head. Hmmm, so Lisbon didn't want him to know. Now that was interesting. "He didn't kill anyone," Rigsby offered.
"So what did he do?"
"Nothing."
Jane glared at him, that was the most ridiculous answer he'd ever heard. Thankfully Cho knew that he wasn't going to give up. "He sent a message, he wanted you back or he'd find you himself. So the boss decided that it was better if we did it."
He considered this information, he wasn't a fool, he knew that there was more to this story than a simple message. But Jane could believe that Red John would want him to come back, the monster felt an attachment to him and that meant keeping up the macabre game they had been playing for years.
"I'm sure this was better than what he had in mind," Jane said woodenly, "It would have been better if it didn't take almost a year to do it though."
The awkwardness sank in but fortunately didn't last long. Their flight boarded and they were able to board the plane for the hour and a half trip. They didn't speak through the entire flight; they still didn't say a word as they led him to where Cho's mustang was parked.
It was when they were back in the familiar landscape of Sacramento that Cho finally asked him. "Where do you want to go?"
Jane looked out the window. Just yesterday he felt like he'd been driving through these streets to get to the CBI. Except it wasn't yesterday. He wanted to believe that it was all a lie but he could see the truth as clear as day, a date on a newspaper, the newsreel at the bottom of the TV giving unfamiliar names and events. Every thing he should know was…gone.
"Right here." Jane told him.
They both turned to look at him. "What?"
"Let me out here."
"Why?"
"Because you asked me what I wanted and this is it."
Cho hesitated for a long moment before finally pulling the car over to the side. Jane immediately grabbed the door handle and stepped out onto the sidewalk.
"Jane! What are you going to do?" Rigsby called out after him but Jane just walked away, the truth was he didn't know either.
Right now he needed to think.
Lisbon pounced on Rigsby and Cho as soon as they walked into the bullpen, well she pounced as much as she could with her daughter sleeping in the carrier on the floor by Jane's couch. She'd been waiting on pins and needles for their plan to land and for any phone calls, but nothing, not a single word.
But when she saw them she noticed that they were definitely a man short.
"Where's Jane?"
Cho set his badge and gun on his desk, it was late and he was tired after a long two days of travel and psychic wrangling. But he did have some things to answer for too. "He told me to drop him off."
"Where?"
"The street."
Lisbon gaped at him. "What? You just left him there?"
"It's what he wanted," Cho explained.
Grace was more confused than upset. "Why would he want to be left on the street?"
"He's upset," Rigsby replied, "It's a lot to take in. Suddenly a whole year of his life is gone…and things have changed."
Lisbon looked down at her sleeping child at that comment, biting her bottom lip. Yes Rigsby was right, a lot of things had changed. God this was such a mess, a truly horrible, terrible and tragic mess. When she finally looked up she noticed that three pairs of eyes were directed at her. "What?"
"You need to tell him." Rigsby replied
She stood up, pressing her hands together as she tried to take the time to think this through. "He isn't here."
"You need to tell him."
Lisbon sighed heavily. "I don't know how to tell him any of this, he doesn't remember anything."
Cho looked at her with a steady gaze. "I told him about Cat."
"Why?"
"Because there was no way you were going to hide the fact that you have a kid."
Okay, she could understand that. But there was a lot more than just the fact that she had a child, there were far too many secrets she wasn't sure she could say. "But did you tell him…the rest?"
"No."
She nodded, more than a little relieved. "Good. Uh…he really should hear that from me." Lisbon looked down at her hands for a minute, her sweater was hiked up over her thumbs, keeping everything she didn't want seen hidden. "What else did you tell him?"
"He figured out Red John was behind this," Cho explained calmly, "but we didn't tell him what happened."
"Okay…" Lisbon said softly, ducking her head. "Anything else?"
"No."
Lisbon didn't know what to say next and apparently neither did anyone else. The silence covered the room; it was so loud she could hear her watch tick. The worst part was she could feel Cho's eyes burning holes into her. He was staring at the same way Jane could, like he was seeing through her…because he knew something.
"What is it?" she finally asked, meeting his eyes.
Cho crossed his arms over his chest; his gaze was hard and cold. "You knew. You knew how to get Jane out of this months ago."
Rigsby and Van Pelt looked stunned; obviously they hadn't quite gotten that far yet. But Lisbon didn't flinch; she just stared at Cho with a resigned look on his face. "I had an idea that it might work."
"What?" Grace said, her voice displayed shock and disappointment.
"I didn't know for sure," Lisbon said in her defense, "for all I knew it might have been nothing."
"But you were willing to try now," Cho pointed out.
"Well at this point I didn't have much of a choice," she reminded him.
Cho didn't accept that explanation. "Why didn't you try it before?"
She looked away, out of the window to the dark street below. Somewhere out there in that gloominess Jane was walking the streets, alone, sad, depressed…everything he had been before. Yes he was the man she cared for, her friend and confidant.
But he was also a tormented soul once again.
"Because he was finally happy," Lisbon said, her voice very low and hushed.
None of them really understood that answer. "He was a jackass," Grace replied.
"But he wasn't sad, he wasn't depressed, he wasn't shutting himself up in an attic playing a sick game with a psychopath," Lisbon pointed out. "He was free. He wasn't going to be hurt by Red John anymore…he wasn't going to be die trying to find him."
They were quiet as the truth behind Lisbon's words was hard to refute. They all knew that Jane was willing to give up his life and freedom to get to Red John. When he'd been in his fugue state none of that mattered. True, he'd been a selfish son of a bitch but he also hadn't been tormented by guilt and pain.
"It still was wrong," Rigsby stated.
Lisbon felt like crumbling a little. "I know…I know it was a mistake. I know very well that I messed up. And I paid for it," she said, holding up her arms, reminding them all of the horrors that happened only weeks ago. "Believe me."
Silence fell over them for a third time but Lisbon wasn't hearing her watch tick. No, this time she was hearing the steady drip like water from a faucet…except it was her blood dripping to the floor. That sound haunted her at night, every night.
Finally she turned back to them. They were staring at her, looks of pain and guilt, she knew they blamed themselves. It was foolish, the only person who had been a fault for what happened was her. She'd committed these sins.
And she'd gotten what she deserved.
"What are you going to tell him?" Grace asked, she sounded just as lost as she was.
She shook her head. "Maybe I'll know when I see him."
It was something Lisbon wanted and dreaded. She'd missed Jane for so long, the real him. But she knew what was coming, Red John had told her exactly what to expect.
She just hoped she was strong enough to bear it.
For a long time all Jane did was walk.
It wasn't unusual for him to do, often when he was facing his constant insomnia he would wander aimlessly for hours. It was good exercise for the mind and body; he did his best thinking in his rambles sometimes. He needed to think, he needed to find some way to process everything that had happened.
Of course it didn't help that everywhere he looked he saw reminders of what had happened. Flyers posted showed future events for dates that seemed wrong, the VIN numbers on license plates were a year ahead of what he thought they should be. For a while he tried to force himself to remember, something, anything.
But for once, his "steel fortress" of a mind was failing him.
It was blank. There was nothing at all from the time he went to the crime scene to suddenly opening the door and seeing the bloody face on the wall again. He had no idea what had happened, what he had done. Rigsby and Cho said he'd gone back to being a psychic…that meant he probably did a lot of bad things.
Very bad things.
He pulled his wallet out of his pocket, this was a new one. The leather was new and obviously expensive, well his taste hadn't changed at least, just more extravagant. He took the credit cards out one by one, a couple had his own name but some were a few aliases…or maybe someone else's. He wished he knew for sure. Then again, it might be better off not knowing. Of course he knew that none of these were cards he'd had before.
Jane snapped each of them in half before tossing them in the trash. He'd have to reapply for new ones based on his real accounts. Next he flipped through the cash, grimacing at the fact that there were several hundred-dollar bills. He wasn't surprised but it didn't make him feel better knowing that he was right either.
He took out the cash keeping it in his hand, when he turned down the street he noticed the homeless man on the stoop, a dented can by his feet. Jane casually leaned down and slipped all of them in the cup, the man barely noticed but he would have a nice surprise later.
The small act of kindness made him feel a bit better…for a few seconds at least. It didn't erase the sins he'd committed before his family's death and now the addition of more, but at least he was continuing his desire to do better than he had been.
He sighed and continued walking, his mind still churning with thoughts. Inevitably they fell on the one person he thought had understood him most…and the one who had now nearly destroyed him.
Why had Lisbon done it?
Jane knew for sure that she could have stopped him from leaving. She could have taken him back to his home before he walked away and she could have helped him to remember. But she hadn't, no she had let him go off into the world and sin again. She'd let him walk away from his one quest, his one reason for actually existing.
She'd let Red John stay out there.
He was so angry with her for that. She'd let the murderer of his wife and daughter go free and clear, she knew damn well that he was the only one who would be able to catch Red John but she had been content to let him go. Obviously she'd been fine with that, she'd gone on with her life, had a child now and…and now…and now what?
He didn't know.
Jane ran his hands over his face trying to come up with something but there was nothing. He had no idea how he would be able to do this. His world was upside down completely, the one bit of comfort he'd managed to have all of these years had betrayed him.
Lisbon was the only person he'd truly trusted, the only person he could really care about. It had frightened him to realize how much she meant to him; sometimes he'd wondered if maybe he was…
But those thoughts were over, gone and finished. Torn away by thoughtless actions and foolishness. All he could do now was go back to his original goal, but this time he would have to cut Lisbon off completely.
His decision was made, now he would see her tomorrow after somehow sorting out everything else.
And just like that, Jane sealed up what remained of his heart.
Lisbon was at her desk when Jane walked in. In a lot of ways it was like yesterday, granted yesterday for Jane was almost a year ago, but it was familiar to have him walk into her office. For a long moment they just stared at one another, Jane could only guess she was taking in all of the changes in him. He was doing the same to her.
She had changed, it felt strange to have it seem like it all happened overnight but he knew now it had been over ten months. Her hair was a little longer, there were darker circles under her eyes, she seemed smaller somehow like her jacket was swallowing her up. Lisbon reached up to start rubbing her right arm through the fabric of her jacket but she never took her eyes off him.
Finally she smiled softly, a very hesitant and shaky smile. "Hello, Jane."
He stared at her for a bit longer, he didn't return her smile. "Hello, Lisbon."
She cleared her throat and nervously pushed her hair back. "Cho and Rigsby kept me informed, they told me that you were coming back here. Wainwright told me that you were welcome to come back and could start Monday, provided your…memories have returned."
"Excepting the last year," Jane said pointedly.
Lisbon flinched at his statement; oh there was no denying the guilt she felt. "The doctors said that could be a side affect of your fugue state."
"You're well informed," Jane stated, "that's good." He took a few more steps closer to her and saw her tense up even more. She looked afraid, not something he was used to seeing on her. Jane saw the framed pictures on her desk; the new one of an infant that had to be her new child but he barely glanced at it.
He had no interest in her life anymore.
She noticed the terse angry way he was looking at her. "What did you come here to tell me, Jane?"
It still took a moment for Jane to be able to find the words, mostly because he was doing everything he could to keep himself calm. Finally he looked into her eyes. "Why would you do it? Why would you let me go like that when you know, you know better than anyone, that I would not want this?"
Lisbon closed her eyes slightly and swallowed heavily. "For once you were at peace. I wanted you to hold onto that feeling for as long as you could."
"So it didn't matter what I was doing? Or what I would have wanted? Did you even think about what would happen when I woke up one day with all of my memories back?"
"I thought—."
"No," Jane interrupted her, "You weren't thinking, you couldn't have or you would have realized that this was wrong."
They stared at each other again, her eyes filled with guilt while his sparked with rage. Finally she glanced down, her fingers still rubbing against her arm. "What happens now?"
"Nothing," Jane replied coolly. "I'll come back to work and continue to catch killers as you prefer." She glanced up, looking quite hopeful now but he squashed that quickly. "But make no mistake, it is not because I want to work with you again."
Her lips parted in a silent gasp and he knew he'd cut her to the bone. He wasn't finished yet, "What you did was nothing short of betrayal, I do not know how I could ever trust you again…or forgive you." He stood up straighter. "But I'll work with you because I don't have a choice, you are in charge of the Red John task force and I want that case. That's it. Things will be different from now on, don't expect the same courtesies I once showed you."
Lisbon's lips trembled just for a second but she managed to gather some strength. "I understand."
He gave her a jerky nod of his head and turned to leave the room. He didn't say goodbye, didn't wish her well.
Let her see how it would be from now on.
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Lisbon picked up her daughter from the small daycare center, her little girl was so young that she fell asleep soon during the short ride home. The silence gave Lisbon plenty of time to reflect on the truly heartbreaking meeting with Jane. She hadn't expected anything less but it still hurt her so much knowing that all of this pain was her fault. And Jane didn't even know the half of it.
She took Cat's carrier out of the car, her diaper bag over one shoulder and her free hand fiddled with her keys before she managed to find her apartment key and unlock the door. Before opening it, her hand immediately went to her gun, preparing for danger, just in case.
Once inside she saw nothing amiss but she still waited just a moment, listening for any sounds of an intruder.
Nothing.
Lisbon immediately turned around and locked her apartment door, setting the chain and then the dead bolt and then finally the super heavy-duty deadbolt Rigsby had installed the day she moved in. Once that was done she felt marginally safer but not completely, she hadn't felt truly safe in over two months.
She reached down and picked her sleeping daughter up from her carrier, holding her close to her chest. Cat would wake up in a couple of hours demanding her bottle. It would have to be formula, it might have been the trauma or anxiety or maybe just her body but Lisbon hadn't been able to supply any breast milk for her daughter. She tried not to think of that as another failing.
Lisbon carried her daughter through the living room, bypassing the stack of boxes that were up against the wall. She'd only moved into this new place two weeks ago, even though it was much smaller than her old place, she still had to unpack her things.
Her bedroom was down the very small hallway, there was only one bedroom here but that was fine, she preferred it if Cat slept in her room too. It meant if something went wrong her daughter was close by.
Cat stayed asleep and her mother placed her in her crib. Lisbon smiled down at her daughter for a moment before leaning down to kiss her head. "I love you, baby girl." Her daughter snuffled a little but remained asleep and Lisbon swallowed back a wave of emotion.
She squeezed her way out of the space between her bed and the crib and stood in front of her dresser for a moment, feeling the pressing sadness once more. One tear slipped down her cheek but she brushed it away. Lisbon slipped off her suit jacket and hung it back up in her closet before taking the hem of her long-sleeved shirt and pulling it over her head to reveal…
Scars.
Her arms were crisscrossed with long angry red lines, the macabre pattern worked its way up her arms from her wrists to her elbow joint. The skin was still stiff and healing, making it difficult and sometimes painful to move her arms and fingers. The scars stared up at her, standing out proudly against her very white skin, mocking her for everything that happened, all of the pain she'd caused and endured.
Most days she refused to look at them, pulling on an oversized sweatshirt so she wouldn't have to see them anymore. But this time she stared at them, remembering every cut of the knife as it sliced its way through her skin. The sound of her blood dripping onto the floor. The pain in her belly as her contractions came, too fast too soon. And his evil laugh as he saw her giving up the fight.
Lisbon crumpled. She sank down onto her bed and began to sob.
She cried for the happiness she'd lost, for the love she longed for but had destroyed, for the baby she'd welcomed into this world despite her sins, for the life she knew was forfeit. But mostly it was for despair, the sadness that she had brought this all onto herself.
She hugged herself with ruined arms and buried her face into her pillow so she wouldn't have to see her scars anymore.
A/N: Jane is pissed! And Lisbon's arms are covered in scars! And she has a baby! Hehehe you'll find out soon enough what caused all of that, the real question is...when will Jane see it?