Loneliness.

It was a familiar feeling to Subaru. Even before coming to this fantasy world, he had felt isolated from his peers and even from his family. Subaru never blamed them for this, his behavior in high school and self-hatred had kept away everyone from him. Even though he promised himself a new life and new opportunities in this new world, he found the same sense of loneliness creeping back onto him.

He didn't- couldn't blame himself for that. Nor anyone else, barring one, for that matter.

Return by Death. It was a name Subaru came up so lovingly by himself, but he couldn't even utter it aloud without consequences.

Hadn't Satella heard of free speech?

Through Return by Death, Subaru had lived longer than his physical form. Realities that hadn't come to fruition, scarring that never existed, and damaged unrealized all were contained within the mind of Subaru.

And that is where it would stay.

Subaru never slept well on his own after the events of the Sanctuary. Thankfully Beatrice, his wonderful spirit, was often there to help him go to sleep. She couldn't be straightforward in her help at all, being too proud to admit to wanting to help him.

Under the guise of 'needing Mana through physical contact, in fact'. Yeah right.

So that is where he is, in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Beatrice had gone to sleep in the bed next to his, having waited for him to fall asleep before going to sleep herself, as per nightly ritual. When he did have nightmares, he would thrash around until Beatrice came over to help calm him down. But when he woke up, he would be restless, staring into his room's ceiling.

As Subaru was now. Could he bother Beatrice to help him back to sleep? Absolutely not. She already did too much for him, so much so that their contract seemed unfair to her in Subaru's eyes.

Rem used to be the first one to be up in the mansion, not that anyone could recall that. To them, he had always been an early riser, even before the White Whale. They thought, well the person to get up so early and start the day was Subaru.

He scoffed. What motivated Rem to wake up in comparison to Subaru involved a lot more diligence and hard work. Subaru woke up because of his restless mind.

It was time to wake up. The first light of the mansion had hit his window, giving him permission to release himself from his cold bed.

He did a stretch, careful to not make any noise to bother the sleeping spirit, and left. He closed the door gently, then turned around to greet-

Blackness. It was a darkness he was all too familiar with.

A chill ran down his spine. Had he died? Subaru looked back at the door but that had vanished too. Had someone invaded the mansion and killed him before he realized it? Normally he would just wake up at the last save point if that was the case… No, he hadn't died.

The only time he had died without being aware of it was when he was cursed by the Shaman. Even then, he had felt so weak afterward. This reminded him of… The last time he had felt this feeling was when he was swallowed by the Witch's 'love' back during a failed loop in the sanctuary.

As if clockwork, a voice came to his head.

I love you.

I love you. Don't be upset. I love you, so be happy. Don't hate yourself, because I love you.

The shadowy figure, a color darker than the black background, made its way before Subaru.

The contrast between the figure and the pitch-black behind it felt like a clear contrast, yet only a slight shade darker at the same time.

What even had he done to deserve this? He hadn't spoken about Return by Death, even to a witch in some dreamscape.

He glared weakly, stricken of his ability to speak. Did he even have a mouth anymore?

I will love you, even if you detest me. I do detest your hatred of yourself because I love you. I love you, but because I don't detest you, I will grant you one person to share your secret with.

What had brought this along? Was this a joke?

Even though I love you, you are lonely. Even though I will love you forever and that I am with you, you feel lonely. I share your secret, but you are lonely.

I love you, but I will let you be loved, too. Share your secret, your memories, your story, with one you love and trust.

The darkness radiated a feeling of sadness as if it had accepted that it would never have its feeling reciprocated. Wasn't the Witch of Envy only in love with the superficial Subaru? Didn't she pay no heed to what he felt or what he said?

Subaru reflected on the witch he had met in Echidna's dreamscape. She, unlike the one who manifested shortly after his discussion of Return by Death with Echidna in private, listened to what he said and even gave encouragement.

Was Satella and the Witch of Envy really two different people?

I love you.

He was back. His mind had snapped back into his body as quickly as it has vanished.

Nervous sweat had gathered at his brow and he swept it away. Actually, he was just covered in it. Feeling overwhelmed, he sat on the ground outside of the door, breathing heavily.

What had constituted this manifestation? Satella- or the Witch of Envy- said that he was lonely and deserved to share his secret. If she was so powerful, couldn't she have let him just do that from the beginning?

Subaru ruffles his own hair in frustration, adding more to the already disheveled hair. As per usual, she was quite the enigma and only left more questions than she did answers. Setting that aside, he… Subaru felt an enormous amount of conflicting emotions. Joy, confusion, disgust, excitement, relief all congregated in his heart.

What was the proper response to a panic attack? Breathe, breathe-

He was already late for his morning talk with Rem. Subaru decided that what he did with this… blessing, was to wait. To think it over.

-x-

"...An' Cap'n, ya a'ight?" Garfiel finished his question, pulling attention to the man working on part of the new section of the parkour course. Subaru had Garfiel help him construct a parkour course a couple of months ago and it was due time for it to change. As they were finishing up, apparently something had concerned Garfiel.

"Ah?! Do I smell? If I do, I've got to go clean up before I meet up with Emilia-tan at dinner!" He raised his arms and gave it a hesitant sniff.

"Well y'do, but tha' isn't what I was talkin' about. Y'have a contemplative look on y'face. Reminds my amazin' self back when we were at th'Sanctuary. Is there somethin' I can help y'with?" The younger man asked, obviously concerned about his captain.

Hopefully, he isn't talking about the Witch's scent. I was under the impression he couldn't smell it, and was told by Omega instead, but… he might be, considering… Subaru mused.

"Well, I do. It's… something important, but I can't really talk about it. Under orders from the boss, you know." The boss that popped into his head and the one Subaru was talking about were probably not the same people, but Subaru wasn't against misdirecting his friends.

"Tha' damn clown?!" Garfiel spat to no one in particular.

Though, Subaru considered, Technically I could tell him, but…

The Japanese man trusted Garfiel with his life, as he does with many of his friends, but with this kind of secret, maybe not. He could imagine Garfiel trying to tell people against his will and ending up with a mess.

Garfiel's never-ending admiration for Subaru had always put him on edge. Where had this trust come from? Surely the bookworm Garfiel wasn't the type to be defeated once and be allied for eternity? Subaru was sure that cliche had to exist in this world, right?

Then again, telling Garfiel would likely secure his trust permanently, as well could be a huge boon in any upcoming fights. He was a fan of tragic heroes, to be sure. That didn't warrant Subaru to tell him though. In fact, his admiration may become some sort of future hindrance, everything considered.

But...

Well, Maybe…

-x-

After wrapping up his conversation with Garfiel, Subaru came over to check on Patrasche before dinner. He hadn't expected to find Otto, who would normally be cooped up in some room doing inventory. Instead, Otto was currently taking care of Patrasche, his favorite ground dragon. Otto, being Otto, was having issues with even the most menial tasks as per usual. He had spilled feed all over the ground, hastily trying to finish up before his blunder was caught.

Obviously, Otto failed.

"Yo! Otto, I see misfortune strikes again. Can you even make a blunder without people seeing it, I wonder?" Subaru chuckles at his friend.

"A-Ah! N-Natsuki-san! You see, well, ugh. Who am I kidding!?" Otto whined at the injustice the world had left him. "I wanted to feed Patrasche-san during my break before dinner, but she just knocked it out of my hands and onto the ground!"

"It's okay Minister of Internal Affairs! I, Natsuki Subaru, know why such a problem has befallen you." He wagged his finger at Otto. "T W O! Two reasons!"

"One! Patrasche has already been fed! I fed her before I went out with Garfiel to work on the training course! She is a proper lady, so she watches her weight!" Otto slumped.

"I thought you normally fed her after dinner," he said despondent, sulking.

"Two! You are simply misfortunate." Subaru deadpanned, waiting for Otto's reaction.

"Uwah?! So brutal…" Otto groaned while Subaru cackled at his friend. Maybe, perhaps, for too long.

…

Something bothered Otto and a feeling of familiarity arose when he saw Subaru acting this way. Tsk, again?

"Hey, do I need to punch you again?" Otto asked, cutting into Subaru's maybe forced cackling.

"Violence?!" Subaru shielded himself with his arms.

He's trying too hard. Otto knew this front. It was the same back when they were in the sanctuary and Subaru tried to put up a front of competence and not-so-funny comedy.

"I don't like repeating myself, Natsuki-san. What have I said about relying on your friends?" Otto said, clearly not accepting stupid behavior from Subaru.

"I...Y-Yeah. I know." Subaru looked away, suddenly dampening the scene. "It's not something I can really talk about. But I will rely on you anyway."

"You don't need to rely on just me, Natsuki-san. Great Spiri- no, Beatrice-sama is more than willing to listen to you. Even Patrasche-san," Otto paused, rubbing the nose of the ground dragon, "will listen to you. Though her ability to understand ranges."

"Yeah. I am just being selfish after all." It seemed that Otto was quite the person.

Subaru met the eyes of his friend. Under the eyes of Otto Suwen were dark bags that seemed to weigh down Otto's every movement. While Subaru took the role of the person to wake up earlier than everyone else, Otto would sometimes greet him early in the morning as he worked through the night.

Minister of foreign affairs, huh. For someone so unfortunate, it was nice to see that he was willing to work to help the Emilia camp to the point of exhaustion. Someone who was willing to take up the burdens of the logistics for their group shouldn't also have to share the burden of knowing Subaru's struggles.

Well, Maybe…

-x-

The eccentric margrave whose movements were hard to predict and were often obscured. He was responsible for almost all of the difficult situations that Subaru found himself in. Roswaal L Mathers. The name was surely influential throughout the kingdom. Apparently, no one else except the Emilia camp knew he was just a witch loving prick.

Roswaal seemed to do as he pleased, but after getting to know his character, the ever-thoughtful Subaru often questioned how much of it was intentional manipulation and how much of it was just eccentricity. Even as the antagonist back when they were dealing with the sanctuary, his motives were seemingly inconsistent until he straight up told Subaru.

Subaru was sure that there were only a handful of people who genuinely cared about the clown after learning his full story. Ram… maybe Rem, Puck and… Beatrice? He doubted it.

Despite this, his influence was necessary to make Emilia ruler, so they only kept considering him for exclusively that reason.

But when Roswaal pulls the black haired teen aside before dinner with a sharper glean in his eyes than normal, Subaru starts considering his options heavily.

Well, if he needed to run away there was no hope.

"My~ Subaru, has the time come for you to redo? The sce~nt is so strong I can see~ it. Ye~t you hardly seem conc~erned?" He questioned, looking down.

So Garfiel wasn't talking about body odor. Great. What's worse, Roswaal can not only see the Witch's miasma but knows that it has a smell. Up to this point, Subaru was sure that Roswaal only knew he had been 'redoing' because of his reactions to Roswaal's behavior.

Then again, Subaru hadn't Returned by Death. How did he know that Return by Death caused the Witches miasma to appear?

"Ros-chi, you've gone a long time without your gospel, so just because something is out of the ordinary doesn't mean you should flock to me for answers." Subaru gave him a nasty look.

Roswaal paused, thinking over not what Subaru said, but rather what his reply implies.

"My~ so something has happened hasn't it. Well, I'll act according to our little promise should some~thing go awry." He smiled, looking down at the shorter man.

Subaru couldn't predict Roswaal. Even though Roswaal was aware of Subaru's 'redoing', he wasn't aware by what means Subaru could perform it. Telling him would imply a very rough road in the future, but it would certainly follow what Subaru desired.

His greed.

Gross.

Telling Roswaal would be a waste, as he already knew a lot already. Keeping him vaguely aware of his abilities was probably for the best.

Well, Maybe…

-x-

"Didn't you need to go study for the Royal selection? I also want to help Ram, Frederica, and Petra with cleaning up dinner so while a discussion with Emilia-tan is always pleasurable, maybe now it isn't a good time to talk?" Subaru said to Emilia, who had pulled him aside after dinner. Apparently, he was desirable today. The Japanese man always tried to make sure to talk to everyone at least a little each day, even Roswaal, to check up on them. But today it seemed that everyone wanted a piece of him.

She nodded in affirmation. "I do and Subaru should help them, buuuut I was asked by Otto and Garfiel to talk to you." She said innocently.

"To talk to me? Did they tell you why?" Subaru asked, already having an idea of what they were trying to get Emilia to ask him. Just because he loves Emilia doesn't mean he confines everything to her!

"They were saying Subaru wasn't feeling well and, 'oh cap'n ain't doin' so good wit' his head again'," she said, trying to imitate Garfiel, "Are you sick Subaru?"

She lifted her pale hand against his forehead, sincerely looking to see if he had a fever. A look of confusion and innocence adorned her face.

"Aaah… what have I deserved to see beautiful angel Emilia today? So adorable and innocent!" Subaru pulled away from her hand, hugging himself degenerately.

"Ah, no. Garfiel and Otto… They're concerned over nothing. It seems that people here really enjoy going above and beyond for me. Even though I'm so useless and helpless to carry my own burdens, I'm glad to have you guys help me." He said, purposefully being self-deprecating.

"Subaru, my knight… Just because we can sometimes do more without you doesn't mean that we don't want you to be with us." She pouted, giving a weak glare.

"W-Was that really reassurance? Here I thought I was fishing for compliments. You really can see through my intentions, huh." Subaru admitted.

"Your intentions? I was just saying the truth..." Emilia was confused.

"Oi, you can be brutal without even trying."

He shook his head. "I do have something on my mind and… frankly it's a lot." He looked away.

"I may not be very smart, Subaru, but if there is something I can do for my knight, I will try my best!" She raised her hand in the air, similar to what Subaru used to do back when he first came into this world, but without the confidence nor lack of shame.

Subaru was sure that there was nothing Emilia could do to make him upset with her, but…

He cringed. How had the other's dealt with this back when he-

"Barusu, are you going to- oh my" Ram's deadbeat tone wavered as she came into the room looking for Subaru, only to be met with the disappointment that was Emilia's pose.

"Ah, Ram-chi! Sorry, I was just abou- oi! why are you blushing?!" True enough, Ram's hand was over her mouth and a slight blush had formed.

"Sorry for intruding on Emilia-sama in your private session." She closed the door with the hand not occupying her mouth.

"W-Why did you say it like that?!" Subaru yelped in embarrassment, he was about to chase her out the door but was stopped by Emilia.

"Private session?" Emilia questioned.

"... you are seriously an angel, Emilia-tan." Subaru deadpanned, before sighing. "I've got to go help Ram-nee-san before she starts spreading misconceptions."

"Talk to you tomorrow, Emilia-tan." He waved as he exited the room.

"O-oh, goodbye?" Poor Emilia, was there any time where she wasn't confused?

She was one of the few people Subaru seriously considered telling the truth to. Emilia was seriously an angel, though, and would feel needlessly guilty at how many times he had died. This could also be a problem if she tried to prevent Subaru from using his ability if he ever needed to use it.

Well, maybe…

-x-

He made his way down the hallway to the kitchen. It was just like Ram to purposefully view his interactions with Emilia and distort it into something less than savory. His character wasn't that bad, was it?

He pulled the door to the kitchen open and- Amazingly, nothing had been done and neither Petra nor Frederica were here to help.

"-! It's a mess! Have you done nothing since dinner?!" Subaru exclaimed after viewing the kitchen. "Were you just waiting on me to come in and clean it up!?"

Ram shrugged smugly as if doing nothing was worth being proud of.

"I sent away Frederica-sama and the little girl because I knew you would take care of it." She said, not dropping her look.

Rather than helping, she just hoisted herself up onto the counter and gestured for him to work.

"...it's amazing Frederica trusted Nee-san's words. Also, aren't I a knight now? Isn't such work below me?" Subaru grumbled as he grabbed dishes and started to clean them.

"Ha!"

…

Ram was one of the people that people thought he had a bad relationship with, but in reality, it was just one that didn't require nice words.

Wait, wasn't that a bad relationship?!

What bound them together was the desire to serve their masters. More specifically, Roswaal for Ram and Emilia for Subaru. In that sense, they were compatriots under loyalty. They would do as their masters commanded them and even die for them.

Subaru had the pleasure of experiencing that willingness firsthand.

Nothing much happened for the rest of the cleaning session. Both Ram and Subaru were tired after a full day of work and Subaru noticed Ram's movements becoming more and more sluggish as they progressed. He supposed it was time for her and Roswaal's 'sessions'.

Hmph. As if she had any right to remark about Emilia and Subaru having a private session. Maybe he could use it as fuel against her in some argument. Only in jest, of course. Provoking Ram to be your enemy would never reach any good ending. That being said…

Telling Ram about Return by Death… wouldn't actually be the worst idea. She was a powerful ally in that she was one who could bend Roswaals will. She also…

No, Subaru refused to be subtle about it. He felt she deserved to know because she was Rem's sister. But in that same sense, she was also the largest critic of Subaru in the household (taking Rem's spot), so if anyone could help him along his journey, it would be her.

But… while Ram was someone he trusted, this secret was very personal with him.

He wasn't so detached from his emotions to want to share his secret with someone who would only stonewall him emotionally.

This…

Well, maybe…

-x-

After he eventually got Ram to at least assist him slightly in the kitchen, he left realizing it was a lot darker than normal. Typically this time was used to spend with Beatrice either studying, practicing, or theorizing mana combos.

So, realizing he was late, he broke out in a desperate sprint. This new mansion that the camp had moved to took time for him to learn as the previous one that he was in was… not in the best condition. Good riddance to that cursed library poor Beatrice had locked herself in for far too long. Despite all the torment Echidna had put him through, that was the one thing that he considered unforgivable.

"Well Betty's Subaru finally makes an appearance, I suppose. He took his time and Betty thought he forgot about her, in fact." A small, disgruntled loli stood in the hallway with her hands on her hips.

"Beako! You can blame Nee-chan for that!" Subaru explained desperately.

"Hmph! If Betty's contractor wants to make excuses, he will, I suppose. It isn't like Betty will take simple words as compensation, in fact." Her face showed great displeasure at his tardiness.

"I get it, I get it, Beako. C'mere," Subaru said, reaching for her hand. Strangely, reluctantly yet obediently, she reached out for his hand and they walked to this mansion's equivalent of a library.

"Since it's late, we'll have to skip any practical applications for our moves," Subaru said, trying to make the discussion between himself and his

"I wonder whose fault that is, I suppose." retorted Beatrice. Despite the rather harsh words spoken, she had a satisfied and content look on her face. For the few months they've been working together, they had managed to climb over the awkward hill and had become fairly close. Even in public, Beatrice didn't shy away from being carried or holding hands.

Of course, she would just claim to not care about what others think. Subaru didn't know what he did to get such a high appraisal from his Beako, but she was definitely his go-to for all his problems. He also made sure she did the same for him.

...the go-to for his problems?

He looked at the girl holding his hands.

She already had an idea that something was up with Subaru. In fact, a lot of the people close to him knew that. They really couldn't prove anything beyond a reasonable doubt, barring Roswaal, but from what he had heard, they had an idea.

Ram and Otto noted his timing and (specifically Ram) were under the idea that he had some sort of precognition. Rem, Garfiel and Beatrice all knew he had some tie to the Witch, while Roswaal just knew. Apparently, a lot more than Subaru thought he did.

Emilia… was likely oblivious.

But this girl who hel-

"What's with that infuriating contemplative look on your face, I suppose?" She asked, catching his eye.

"It's been a long day. Something came up recently and… and I have a lot to consider." Shockingly, she doesn't seem very surprised.

"Does it have to do with the scent that disgustingly flows from you?"

"..." Subaru kept his mouth shut, his eyes averting guiltily.

"...Betty understands, in fact." She closed her butterfly eyes. This hadn't been the first exchange of this type. She sighs.

"Subaru's Betty will demand appropriate recompense, in fact. But… Betty's Subaru will come to her first, in case he needs anything, I suppose?" She said sadly, unintentionally stabbing his heart with her words. Beatrice looked almost betrayed that he didn't respond immediately.

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"...Yeah."

Beatrice deserved to know. As someone who entrusted their entire being to the mortal Subaru, as someone who entrusted their past, present, and future to the sinful Subaru, as someone who entrusted their burdens and thoughts to the enigma Subaru…

She deserved to know. But did deserving to know to mean that it would be best for her to know?

Well, maybe…

-x-

The guilt which prodded at Subaru's heart was not something to take lightly. Beatrice, the ever astute spirit had sent him away. They hadn't gotten far in their session, the conversation in the hallway struck too deeply at his heart to allow him to focus.

"I can't concentrate with your huffing and puffing, in fact. Go see that blue-haired maid you're always talking about, I suppose." And with that, Beatrice shooed him away from the less than ample library.

So, that is where he was. Holding Rem's hand and caressing it as if it was the hand of his wife. Subaru often wondered if she knew how much she meant to him. Even after the Mabeast incident in the forest, her opinion of herself wasn't very high.

But there he was, desperately hoping that his nightly recounting of the day's events would somehow awaken her. He almost scoffed at that idea. What good could he ever accomplish with his own hands?

Subaru always had to manipulate and use the feats of others to get what he wanted. Even if that accomplished a common goal, he maximized their usefulness to him.

If he told Rem while she was awake about Return by Death, would she hate him? For not saving her with this ability, or rather hiding away the dark realities where she justifiably did hate him? What about the times she pointlessly saved his life by sacrificing her own?

… would she hate that the only reason he hadn't given up was that he couldn't? When the blue-haired girl had confessed her love to him, she had used that as the foundation of her arguments. Even Otto, who had admired him back in the sanctuary, had appreciated his "never give up" spirit, even in the face of bleak circumstances.

When he tried to give up he merely went back in time after all.

Subaru was vaguely aware that he was spiraling back into depression. It hadn't been the first time being left to his own thoughts poisoned his soul. Beatrice, his wonderful spirit had always been there to help him since the Sanctuary.

Garfiel. Otto. His brother figures. Eternally dependable with their strengths. Garfiel's more literal strength and Otto's intelligence was never questioned.

Roswaal. Ram. They were his enemies as much as his allies. Although questionable, Roswaal would always stay true to his word, and Ram would be there when it counted.

Emilia. Rem. His one and two. Subaru had always heard ranking people in your heart was cruel, but his love for them was like stars. They were so bright it was hard to tell how much more he loved one than the other.

Finally, Beatrice. There were no familial bonds to describe Subaru's love for her. He was only certain that she occupied a different place in his heart. He felt like it was a pet's love for their master. Subaru was certain, however, that Beatrice would not appreciate that comparison.

Who should he tell? This question plagued him as he sat by Rem's bed.

-x-x-x-

And that's a wrap. Sorry If I got your hopes up that the telling would happen in this chapter. It's not.

I always criticize others fanfictions, I honestly felt like it was time for me to put a fic out. Feel free to give me your thoughts on it. Personally, I felt like I needed to focus more on the active scene, rather than delving into Subaru's thoughts. I've always loved putting a spin or generating a unique perspective though. I would love to hear any improvements I could make for it, though.

I had a hard time writing Garfiel's and Satella's interactions, honestly.

Important for the future of this fic:

This is actually planned to be a multi-part series. I wouldn't expect much, though, as I only genuinely plan to write one or two more chapters. The next chapter in the series should focus on the person who Subaru tells. For now, that is a secret. (There is one clue) Feel free to guess who that is, bonus cookies if you are correct. Any chapters after that would be similar to "if" stories, so they aren't likely, but this way, I'm not devoiding you guys of interesting conversations between Subaru and the cast. Hopefully, I can fulfill your imaginations.

*edit 1/29/21

I'm still working on the last chapter. It has turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have made some small grammatical fixes that had been bugging me for a while. Sorry for those who are waiting for a new chapter. It's coming! I promise.