Happy Easter to those who observe. Thankful for all of you.

"Or when the night is darkest,
The morn begins to break,
And cometh forth all smiling
With many a crimson streak..."
~John Stanley Tute, Holy Times and Scenes, 1846

Chapter 20: The Fight

Like most breaks, that wasn't the worst part. What came next was worse.

And it wasn't just the absolute panic of the Cullens watching this unnatural violence in their family between its two closest members. It was not just that it had come out of nowhere. Carlisle did nothing to protect himself, nothing to thwart Edward. He simply lay there as Edward pounded him in the split moments before his brothers could peel him off.

"Edward what the hell?" Rosalie demanded.

Alice, on the other hand, looked fearful. She had been startled, not even seen it coming as a possibility. Jasper held her hand on her shoulder as she looked like she would cry. Odder still, she was looking at me.

Edward stood, getting ahold of himself but not bothering to answer us. He and Carlisle stared at each other for a moment, and then in a blur Edward was gone.

Jasper left to hunt with him he said, and Carlisle stood and straightened himself.

I took a step forward, but before I could speak, he said with politeness, "I'm fine. That was... disappointing. Emotions are just a bit high today. I- I think I'll go to work."

"No," I tried to stop him.

"I have a particularly sick patient, but thank you for this evening, Bella, it was a nice thought." He wasn't even looking at me. He was walking away as he spoke. He was gone again a few moments later. The house did not feel right like that.

While Alice was avoiding me, Emmett and Rosalie were grilling me for answers. I didn't have any. They did not like feeling out of the loop.

"I think Alice knows something. Maybe if you told me what you know." I said.

"She hasn't told me anything." Rose glared. "Neither has Edward, and he usually confides in me, especially when he's in a foul mood."

"Have they ever fought like that?" I asked.

"They've had their disagreements, but usually Edward just mopes. I've never seen him go at someone like that. Not someone we were friendly with, let alone one of us. I mean, except after Jasper attacked you. He did fly off at that. And he's had tantrums before."

"Tantrums?"

"Banned from monopoly and scrabble, but that wasn't at anyone. He hasn't said anything?"

I gulped, shaking my head. "I did talk to Carlisle about me and Edward not being...the same. Maybe he heard that Carlisle told me I could stay even if I wasn't with Edward."

"He knows that's the case." Rose said simply. "Carlisle has nothing to do with that. It was a unanimous decision. Edward even agreed when he found out you were here."

"Is that what they talked about in Italy?"

The pair shook their heads and exchanged a look. "No. No one has said, but I think you're right. It probably has to do with that."

"Then, it's probably mom." Emmett said, and I remembered he called her that.

"Makes sense that he blames Carlisle." Rosalie said.

"How?"

"Carlisle is the head of house, practically perfect to Edward. He thinks he can do anything, so anything that happens was within Carlisle's control. Don't worry. It's not you, and I'm sure they'll work it out. You too." Rosalie said, putting a hand on my arm and winking.

Somehow I doubted it. I felt terrible. My being here wasn't helping. I had not helped Carlisle. Now Edward was upset, and it was causing a riff in the family I loved. If there was any way I could leave, anywhere I could safely go, I would. I needed to mail a postcard, so maybe I should reach out to Denali too.

I needed to talk to Edward, to confront this situation once and for all.

It did not take long for me to find them. "Edward!" I called, stopping them in their tracks. The boys slinked off to leave us alone. Edward looked around himself bitterly smiling the way he had said when he'd told me I hope you like disappointment.

"What is going on with you!?" I demanded. "Attacking Carlisle, are you out of your mind?"

He just stared at the ground.

"Is it about Esme?" I softened, trying to understand. "I know how awful it must have been, but it's not his fault. No matter how angry you are at the world or at me, you can't take it out on him."

"I'm not." He said.

"Then what is it?"

"Bella," he said, resigned and looking out at the hills and mountains beyond. "I don't think I can stay here anymore."

I have to admit that a part of me fell away, the old panic returned to my gut that he was abandoning me yet again, but another part of me felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Edward was intruding on people's privacy and prone to sudden mood swings, usually to a brooding mood. But he was still a sweet boy and a loyal important part of the family dynamic, a part everyone felt immensely protective of.

"What?"

He was totally calm, and his eyes weren't cold as he slowly walked towards me, bearing into mind. "God, I wish I could hear your thoughts right now. Or maybe I don't." He looked down.

"I can't sit here and listen to what he thinks about you." He spat out each word, not looking at me. "He tried to hide it and I try not to listen but,"

"Who?" I blinked, dumbfounded. I could not think. I did not dare.

He gave one laugh. "Carlisle."

It took me a moment to respond. "Carlisle thinks about me?"

Edward smiled, looking up at me, then away sadly. "What do you think about Carlisle?" He asked. Weird question.

"He's amazing." I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Amazing?" He scoffed.

"What? He is." I insisted, defending the man Edward had admired above all others.

"I agree." He answered not the slightest bit angry.

"You're not mad at Carlisle?"

"No. I'm not. He's the best man I've ever known."

"Then, I- what is going on?"

"I don't deserve either of you."

"That's not true."

"You know I want your happiness and his happiness more than anything, right?"

"Yes." I said feeling guilty.

"That's why I'm leaving."

"What are you-"

"You don't feel it?" he scoffed. "Or you just don't want to hurt anyone?"

I swallowed. "Feel what?"

"What Marcus saw, your connection." He mumbled at the tree roots.

I took a step forward. "Is that what you talked to him about that day in Italy, some kind of connection?"

He nodded. "I asked him not to come between us right away, to give us a chance and he agreed, but it doesn't change the fact…"

"But- but he never said anything." I said dumbly.

"He didn't want to presume you felt the same way or to hurt me. And I couldn't tell him how you felt because neither of us could know.

"All I can tell is from day one Alice saw you become a part of this family. That never changed. At one point, she saw us together, until we left. After Esme died, she saw you with Carlisle."

Had I still been human, I would have passed out or at least fallen. That must have been a shock to her at a bad time.

"Telling him she had seen him be happy again was strange at first to all of us, but it got him through because it's exactly what Esme would want. She didn't tell anyone it was you she saw him with until later when he asked her directly then swore her to secrecy. Of course, there are no secrets from me. Except yours." He smiled darkly.

"And now?"

"She can't see anything but you being with us, one of us, that's for sure."

I was relieved at that.

"Carlisle has been thinking of leaving, but this family isn't a family without him." He shook his head. He was right. I couldn't argue with that. "I think it will be easier if I give it some space. I won't be far this time, I promise." He smiled sadly.

He began to walk away, and I took a step forward. There was not getting away from me this time; I was faster. No way he was leaving and putting everyone through that. Again. No way I was going to be what tore them apart.

"Wait!" I said, desperate to find something to fix this. "Whatever Marcus saw- it doesn't matter. I can still choose to be with you. That would be best for everyone, right?"

He laughed bitterly. I guess it wasn't the most romantic thing to say. "Don't worry about me, Bella. You need to be here, where it's safe, no matter what you choose. And I can't- I can't listen..."

I wanted to cry for him, lie and tell him I felt the same as he did, the way I used to, swear I had never even saw Carlisle as anything more than a mentor. But none of that was technically true.

Whatever else I wanted, I wasn't sure. But I was sure I did not want this.

"Wait, Edward!" I panicked. "I can be with you. I l-love you. I will be with you, if you stay. I promise, we'll get things back to normal, eventually. If- I mean, if you still love me."

"I do love you, Bella." He said looking me dead in the eyes. I believed him and as bad as that was for him, it made me feel a peace wash over me undoing what his leaving had done. "But I not like him," he said more to the dirt than to me, and barely audible.

Hate. His face was full of hate, and I realized that it wasn't for me or Carlisle or even, as it so often was, towards himself. He hated that it was true, and he could hear it anytime Carlisle was home hear his own father figure adoring the only girl he had ever... I couldn't speak.

Edward once again disappeared into the trees. This time, I let him go. I said a silent prayer over and over in my head: please let him be okay.

There was no one to come find me in the woods this time. I sat there a long while.

So Carlisle had felt something more than surprise when he's grabbed me at the wedding, when he looked at me adoringly from time to time. And of course he was ashamed of it, probably wished he could turn it off, but he couldn't.

And that's the thing: was it even real or was it just some sort of supernatural force making him feel this was?

Carlisle loved me? It seemed even more impossible than Edward loving me before. He was so good and so beautiful. I must be nothing more than a silly child to him. But somehow I wasn't.

I tried to calm the thrill that shot through my body at that by reminding myself he had not wanted to act on it, and for good reason. While Alice may have been able to picture it, Edward would not be the only one to object with the patriarch being with someone other than his long time partner. I had a feeling the fact it was me would make it much, much worse.

A bird landed near me that I did not recognize. It was huge- black and white with a long neck. I squinted at it, trying to remember. I could not. This frustrated me, infuriated me actually. Being a vampire might make you invincible in many ways, but in so many you remained weak. Like metal that is strong, but cannot bend.

Angrily, I raced back to the house. When Carlisle got home, I was waiting in his office. The light was off, but I overheard Alice through the steel of the garage above, whispering. When were they going to remember I could hear better?

"You need to tell her the truth. She needs to choose."

"I can't, Alice. Not because I don't loathe keeping anything from her. But more importantly, she needs to feel comfortable here, not like some old man is coming on to her." He said with disgust.

"You're not an old man." She laughed in disbelief, clearly tired of his nonsense. "At this point hiding it will only upset her."

"I know she should know the truth, but I -"

"Tell her." said Alice plainly. "Or I will."

Her heels tapped away and Carlisle took a long time before he came inside. I was sitting perfectly still in the dark, and it was either that I had taken a shower or that my scent was already resting around the house that he didn't notice me at all.

"Edward is gone." I said. He froze mid motion of hanging up his coat, and a smile threatened to light my face. I had actually managed to surprise him. He quickly tried to pretend I had not.

"Did he say where this time?" He wasn't shocked, but I was. I knew Edward had gone off on his own before they met me, and then after Forks, but maybe there were more occasions. I felt a huge relief wash over me. Maybe it wasn't the end of the world.

"He said he'd stay close by. He did say he wasn't angry with you."

"Did he?" I nodded as he went to his computer, avoiding me if I wasn't mistaken. "What else did he say?"

And then I did something I thought I would never do: I lied to Carlisle.

"Nothing." I said.

"Are you alright? I can imagine it brought up some unpleasant memories."

"I'm a little relieved, honestly. I'm sorry. But I thought I'd have to go if he didn't, and I worried how I'd really do on my own. It's not that I don't like Edward, but I have enough to be concentrating on." I did not add 'besides a boy who constantly needs my attention.'

He didn't say anything.

I toyed with the thing on his desk. "What is this? Some sort of compass?"

"It is. Very old."

"Hundred of years?" I asked.

He took it. "Yes." He seemed annoyed, and I'd be embarrassed if I didn't know what he was thinking, thanks to Alice and Edward. I knew he was torn between being honest with me or sentencing himself to internal torture to preserve his family. And I could never have the gall to make a direct move, no matter how desperate my body was, or confess whatever I was feeling even if I understood it.

So I was beginning to formulate a plan on the spot to force his hand, and that plan involved teasing Carlisle Cullen.

"How was work?" I asked, unbothered, hopping on his desk.

"Fine." He sighed.

I wanted him to tell me more, to confide in me like before when he had mused on mortality and everything else under the sun. When we talked, it had felt natural like we had always done it and would do it forever. Now I began to worry it was a one time event.

I looked at Carlisle's hand, trying to remember how he held onto a woman he loved, but I couldn't remember seeing them close. Maybe I had been too wrapped up in Edward at the time to notice anyone else. I could remember him gently holding my arm as he stitched it up though, his cool fingers barely touching, his strong body keeping mine steady. He had no problem ignoring the blood, something that seemed impossible to me now. Even Edward had struggled to stop drinking mine when I was dying.

Edward had been an awful tease; the excuse had been I was human, but now it was just his set in ways. Jacob had been a horndog, the opposite, steaming hot and eager for more each time we touched. Always either pushing or pulling with them.

Edward made me nervous, in a good way, back then, whereas Jacob made me feel as comfortable and safe as my favorite sweatpants. If you could combine the men, Kate had said back in Denali, I'd have a perfect match. But that was too much to ask. Perfection was not real. Although this doctor was very, very close.

I wondered with the most envy I had ever felt what it would be like to have a man like this squeeze me with those hands.

"How was yours?" He asked.

"My what?"

"Your day, besides Edward?"

"Fine." I let out a little gasp as I remembered.

"What?" He panicked.

"No, nothing. I just remembered. I saw a Manchurian Crane! It was- it had to have been. Sorry. It's just really rare."

He sat back down, smoothing his tie.

"That's great, Bella." He said less than thrilled. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm afraid I have some research to do on optional treatment methods for a patient."

"Oh. Alright. Sure."

I had expected Edward leaving to be more of a concern that it was. But it did not cause a stir at all. Apparently, they were used to it. I wasn't.

With Edward gone and Carlisle gone back into hiding, I was stuck sitting on the couch alone for couples movie night and being the fifth wheel in games and everything else was imaginable. They cuddled and held hands and kissed each other on the nose adorably, and I just sat there, actually watching the movie.

It wasn't just the couples. My lifeline to Jake was gone, and he was married. That door was as closed as it could possibly be without being a wall. I couldn't see Charlie or contact my mother. I watched my school friends go on to college and on ski trips from behind a computer where I constantly talked to people who had no faces to me.

Birds. I counted birds. And even they were fewer than they had been. Like a zoo animal, I ran the length of my enclosure, my safe zone, and wanted to attack the people living outside of it. Soon I had seen every tree and boulder and curve of the stream one hundred times. The boredom had been rough.

But the loneliness was becoming unbearable.

And it wasn't just my mind and heart that felt it. My body craved contact like a freezing person craved warmth. I even let Rose do my hair just to feel her hands. "Alice and Jasper once got in an eighteen month fight." She whispered to me.

She was trying to give me hope for me and Edward. I tried to picture her face if I ever did what I had thought of doing with Carlisle, but I had never seen her that mad.

Alice knew the truth. It explained why she was so giggly when I admitted I had a strong drive to more than drink blood. She had assured me it was normal, but I realized the urge had not overtaken me even when Edward and I had been alone. Maybe it was because kissing Edward for the first time had been so new and special. He was cold, while I was burning with excitement. But since then I had kissed Jacob who was hot, figuratively and literally.

What would it be like to kiss Carlisle? Hot or cool?

I grabbed the table so fiercely its' marble top snapped. Rosalie froze with her fingers in my hair.

"Bella?" Alice asked with concern.

"Sorry."

She gave me a knowing look, but didn't say anything.

Maybe it was because I could tell that the others had been together since we returned, but it was on my mind. I had so many questions, but could not bring myself to ask. Like, I wondered if since I never experienced that as a human I'd even be able to do that now. Maybe Edward and I were better matches, both virgins, but something told me perhaps at least one of us should know what we were doing. Girl time, girl talk, right?

"Alice," I asked. "Was sex better as a human?"

Even without color you could tell she was blushing.

"No way!" Yelled Emmett from another room, helpfully.

"Geez, Bella, warn a girl, would you? That's what's on your mind, huh?"

"Just wondering about experiences I'll never have." I complained.

"Well, I don't remember if I had that experience prior to meeting Jasper. He's really the only man I've been comfortable around." The way she emphasized men and gave me a playful side eye, I knew exactly what she meant.

"Get it, Alice."

She put hair behind her ear with a sly smile. "But honestly, I was afraid of most men. As for Jasper he won't mind me telling you, was so young when he was turned and the woman in control of him used him in every possible way- not that he noticed until later. He was easily manipulated even before that, obviously being pulled into an army at twelve." She rolled her eyes, but her tone was of deeper disapproval. Jasper and Carlisle had gone hunting alone before anyone had noticed that morning.

"I was saving myself until marriage, until my fiancé and his friends raped me and left me for dead just before my wedding." Rosalie said matter-of-factly as she put on mascara. "But I was eager to fall in love and feel anything but that. I remembered she had tried to make things happen with Edward, and wondered if she had also had a crush on the doctor. Most women did, although now she clearly thought of him as a father or older brother.

"My Emmett had spent most of his life trying to support his trove of baby brothers and sisters. He worked all day and took care of all of them, being both parents since he was a boy. That's what I loved about him, instantly." She smiled wistfully. "He was protecting his younger brother when the bear attacked them. You should have seen him fighting it off like a beast. Even as it took huge bites into him, he was telling those kids to run. As soon as they were gone, I scared the bear in the other direction, and I turned him immediately. The way he looked at me…" Unusually, she looked humble, almost girlish, "It was every way I'd ever wanted a man to see me. Like a princess."

"You're a queen!" Emmett shouted, still playing his videogame.

"And his family?" For the first time I appreciated how Emmett's awakening to his new life wasn't just hitting the wife lottery, the way he put it. He had a very real, very big family completely dependent on him he could never see again, who he outlived all of.

"Carlisle took care of them. Emmett feels he owes everything to him." She shrugged. Of course he had, and that left Emmett free to enjoy his time with the woman he fallen for.

"Made him court her for a decade though." Alice said.

"It was necessary." Rose explained. "Had to make sure he wanted it."

"And Edward… he had…"

"Always been a frigid bitch." Rosalie sneered jokingly.

"Edward just showed no interest in that." Alice explained. "We always guessed reading minds was too much of a turn off."

"I guess that explains why Cullens are the best. Anyone who chooses to learn from Carlisle and who Edward can be around their brain all the time has to be pretty good."

"You really did like us, huh?" Rose asked, seeming surprised.

"Yeah I do."

"Don't worry about the virgin thing." Rose said quietly. "Jasper wasn't, Emmett wasn't but barely," she rolled her eyes. "Edward is, Alice doesn't know, and Esme and I, well, we'd rather have been. It took her a long time to be romantic with Carlisle."

"It did?" I felt bad even asking.

"She was abused for a long time. Carlisle was her hero, but it wasn't a way she saw men, a thing she really wanted. Of course he has the self restraint of a saint. Since they were raising Edward together, and then more or less me, they fell easily into the partners role, Carlisle wanted not to be alone and she wanted a family. But for decades it was platonic."

"And Carlisle?" I tried to sound uninterested.

Rosalie blinked. "He doesn't talk about it one way or the other. He can be very secretive. But from what I know of the Volturi, well, Italy is freaky." I gulped.

Was Carlisle into something kinky? He couldn't resist every temptation, could he? There must have been a reason he had left there. Didn't he say it had to do with them getting to him more than them to him? Maybe he wasn't tempted to drink blood, but to do something else, maybe not something he could share with his partner.

I needed to stop thinking like that, but I couldn't. Did Carlisle think about this involuntarily too as part of our connection?

Was he as gentlemanly as he seemed all the time, laying me down and staring loving into my matching eyes as he gently stroked my skin until I was writhing under his touch? Or perhaps he would softly command me to turn around, put my wrists on his desk in front of me and bend me over to spank me. "You must learn, Bella," he might growl into my ear, making me shake as he bit down on collar bone.

What was wrong with me?! I took a cold shower, which honestly did nothing to help. Wasn't even cold.

It wasn't as if anything was private, which was exactly why the couples were about to take turns going on a little getaway. Rosalie wanted attention and glamour, so they were off to tour Moscow in luxury during the dark winter cover- finest hotels, opera, cathedrals, galleries, museums, and of course shopping. She promised to bring back something, giving me a kiss on the cheek. She was in a very good mood.

Alice looked a bit jealous or impatient as we saw them off.

"You know, you can go too."

"We wouldn't dream of leaving you alone. It's harder alone. Edward gone and Carlisle working all the time," she grumbled.

She had no idea how badly I wanted them to leave, just for a bit.

As long as Carlisle left me to struggle alone, I needed to torture him out into the open. He wouldn't be that selfish and I wouldn't be that brave. But I was never very good at flirting. I'd probably just look stupid.

I decided to annoy him again in his office, close enough. I let myself in, earning a small smile from behind his computer.

"Bella." He greeted with a nod.

I went over to his side and rested my butt on his desk. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing and went on reading something with tiny print. "You'll hurt your eyes like that." I joked. He chuckled softly, scrolling down.

"Something I can do for you Bella?" Oh boy if he only knew.

"Can I ask you something?" I said, trying to sound serious. I felt him shift nervously.

"Of course." He looked at me, and I looked into his eyes, leaning forward a bit and biting down on my lip.

You'd think all our eyes would be the exact same, but somehow they weren't. Some had a kaleidoscope of pieces of honey brown hues, all twirling together like broken stained glass, like Rosalie. Some were small and soft, like Alice, or only extremes in color like Emmett's dirt brown or cat yellow. Jasper's looked like fire. But Carlisle's had always been my favorite. They were perfect molten amber, everything about their centers felt warm and relaxing, but the edges were darker, swirls of smoke. Coupled with his involuntarily swagger it was probably what made him so accidentally seductive. Poor human women who had to work alongside him...

"Your eyes, what color were they before?" I chewed my lip.

He glanced down, embarrassed, and it took everything in me not to run away mortified. I was determined to transfer my discomfort on to him. Time for him to squirm a bit, all in good fun.

"I don't recall." He cleared his throat. "My father's were green, so mine might have been anything."

"Crazy." I shook my head. "I can't imagine them being anything but that."

He went back to his computer, frowning slightly. "What brought that up? Something else you want to discuss?"

His tone was so diplomatic I was stabbed by the thought he really felt nothing for me and I was making an absolute fool of myself. But I shook my head; I replayed what Alice and Edward had said. Pushing off the desk, I smiled a little as I played with my sleeve. "Nah, it can wait."

It worked. He watched me go curiously.

"See you at movie night. Alice says it's nonoptional, so unless you want to do surgery with one arm..." I joked.

"I'll be there." He smiled.

Good. He had no idea what he was in for when he did.

A/N: I really hope you enjoyed this one! Longest chapter yet, Edward is gone, Bella knows there's a connection between her and Carlisle, and now those pesky thoughts have returned... she is going to take crafty action ;) Thank you so much for still reading, and I love hearing from you!