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"So how was it for a birthday?" Ruby asked me. She was getting undressed in the master bedroom and my eyes were drawn to her body. Four pregnancies and there were no stretch marks on her body. Not even a blemish. Aura was a hell of a drug. She looked as much of a little angel as she did five years ago. She'd hardly aged at all.
"It was good. It was a good birthday. I'm a little exhausted from work but initiation days are like that," I murmured. "I'm glad I'm not a part of the night crew. Glynda didn't feel like separating me from you guys I guess. Even for a night."
"Is that a problem?"
"Not for me. No. Maybe for whoever she has watching the first years."
"That'll be us tomorrow," Weiss sighed. "After I drop Nebel off at school of course."
"It will get easier. Once Ruby is able to drive and the kids are old enough that they can be left unsupervised for thirty minutes," I said.
It was hard. The kids needed to be watched around the clock at their current ages. Carnal especially. She was just a little over one. She couldn't be left unattended while Ruby drove Nebel. I suppose at some point Ruby could pile everyone in the car and drive all the kids around. But sooner or later more of the kids would be going to school anyways and that point would just get crossed organically. For now it made the most sense for Weiss to drop Nebel off on her commute.
But by then… by then I could be gone. Gone from this world and all the suffering and happiness therein. It was actually easy to imagine a world without me in it. Easy enough that was until I recalled taking my photo with Nebel earlier that day. That would all come to an end unless I could come up with a means of ending Salem while I got to fly away. Most likely I'd just die in the attempt but where did that leave my sons and daughters. They'd be fatherless. And sure they'd have their mothers and a sizable fund set up to look after them. Weiss's job paid well enough and I had savings. But it would be sin me. It probably wasn't much but it would be something my kids had to live without. An entire father. I needed to be there for them. If not for myself then for my daughters and sons. And that was going to be the hardest thing I could ever do. Put my Mother away… would she really go quietly like she implied? On time spans long enough anything was possible. There must have been lifetimes where Ozma just took a break. Set it by the wayside and lived his life with a family of his choosing. Salem hadn't ever had that same chance. It must have been exhausting.
Maybe she really did want to sleep. It was enough to introduce an element of doubt into the equation. Even I gathered this much little strength from my wives and my children. What strength did Salem have to draw on? Where did my Mother gather herself towards?
The only thing in recent memory were her children but it didn't seem like she viewed them as family the same way I viewed mine. She was just too alien. She never gave birth to her children. My sisters and I were vat grown. Or bag grown or whatever. She didn't feed my sister's with her body. She might love my sisters and I. She might. But it wasn't the same sort of love Weiss and Ruby felt for my children.
I needed to win here to come back home to my family. I needed a win. I had to make it back first. It all fell on me getting back.
But maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe my plan was doomed to fail. This thing I built my hopes and dreams around might be set up to lose anyway by the nature of my Mother's immortality. The lamp told me that she would never be a memory but did that make her more than a memory to more than just me and my sisters? Because she would never totally vanish from my mind. Never. She would always linger. And I bet that was true for my sisters. But did that mean I could actually destroy her body? I sure hoped so.
And maybe she did love me. And maybe, just maybe, she really truly did. Maybe that was why she wouldn't fight back against me or at least she claimed she wouldn't.
I just couldn't quite believe it. It wasn't the love one person felt for another person. That's not the vibe I got from our relationship. I could be completely and totally wrong. And now I had to compete to even give her a shot.
So maybe she really truly did want to rest. Maybe when I came for her there would be no grand battle of mind and will and body. Maybe not. I'd been setting it up in my mind as this grand event. This point of no return. But maybe it wouldn't go down like that at all. I was at the height of my power but she was static and she was at her maximum. We could tear apart huge swaths of land in our confrontation. We could level cities and bring kingdoms to their knees. But maybe it would be totally orthogonal to that. I found myself dwelling on that. I'd been wrong about so much. I'd been surprised about so much. Why not this? Why not this. I'd found myself blindsided by so much. Some good and some bad. Would it really go down this way I had set up in my mind? Or would it be totally different when I finally flew to face her?
"What are you thinking about? It's something horrible. Isn't it?" Weiss cut in on my thoughts. She was in her sleepwear. My hoodie. With just panties on. She rocked it. She looked like she was mine. It was bright to look at. I looked away from her. "I knew it."
"It's not that bad…" I mumbled.
"What is it? You can tell us. Care to share, Cloud," Ruby rubbed my back. I looked away from her too.
I planned… I planned on breaking her heart. Here I was. After all she did for me today. Here I was planning on breaking her heart. What was wrong with me? Seriously.
"I don't want to die…" I realized out loud. They were quiet. "I have to. Though. I have to leave my children and you both behind. It's not right. But I have to. And my Mother…"
"Yes?" Ruby pressed.
"And my Mother might love me. Salem might love me but I don't think so. Not the way you both love Nebel and Cherry and all the others."
"What has you thinking about this?" Weiss wondered.
"My birthday. How many more am I going to get. You know? How many more children will I set off to school? I got Nebel. Which is nice. I suppose. But it's going to hurt to leave. It's going to hurt a whole lot."
"I hear you," Ruby hummed and she leaned her head down on me. I wrapped her up in my arms.
"So don't go," Weiss insisted.
I hissed aloud like I touched something hot. "I have to go." I flinched away from the hot mind stove. "I can't let my children grow up in a world I know I could have done more for. I knew this old miner. Dust miner up in Atlas. He joined Avalanche, the terrorist organization I worked for, to better the world for his adoptive daughter. He told me the same thing when I questioned him. I get it now. I have to do more. As much as I can. My responsibilities haven't shrank since my kids were born. They've only grown. I have to face her. I just don't want to. I'm tired. I'd rather stay here with you both and my children. It's got me thinking. She promised not to fight back."
"And you're not seriously taking her at her word. Are you?" Weiss hammered.
"A little. I am a little. Imagine the centuries roll by without respite. I think she loves us. Her children. But not enough to want to keep living. She showed her hand. Even though this is the best she's had it for centuries she won't just cling to life over nothing. It has me thinking. What if she wasn't lying? Why does it have to go down that way? I've had so many twists and turns in my life. Why can't this be one of them?"
"Because your mother is such a bitch. That's why. You really think she'll lay down without a fight?" Weiss hammered.
"I think…" I trailed. "I think that she's tired. I think she's really really tired, you guys. I think she's so tired she might just give in. She doesn't really have anything to live for. I think she wants it. I think she wants to die. Just like I used to. Maybe I… maybe I poisoned her mind while I was so scared. Maybe I created an environment that was so toxic that it lingers over her."
"But you always made that seem impossible," Ruby pointed out. "She was ancient and big. And you made yourself seem small."
"So now you think you made progress on her?" Weiss demanded. "Has this been intentional? I thought we made it clear we wanted you divorced from her."
"No. It hasn't been intentional. And I've been happier. But that doesn't mean that she's been happier. It seems like she's been suicidal. It seems like she just wants to rest."
"How bad? Bad enough to die?" Ruby wondered. "This all seems very situational. And you don't even know if it's true."
"She won't die. She won't even be a memory. She'll sort of… dream. She'll dream her way along for the eternities without her real presence."
"What's that mean? For us?" Weiss asked.
"Us us? Well it means I think there's a real chance she'll surrender to me when I come for her. I think I could come back. Be with you guys and my family. I could live and die with you. I just don't know if she was serious. She could be serious. Obviously I'd like it to be true. It increases the odds that I fly home to you both. But…"
"But can she be trusted?" Ruby pleaded. "You can't go into this half cocked. You'll lose for sure."
"I know that. I hear that," I murmured.
"Cloud you can't take her at her word. That's final. You can't stroll up to Ayan without anything other than your best," Weiss hammered me.
"Cloud…" Ruby trailed. She said it softly and traced my chest with one hand. "Don't go rushing off on us."
"I won't. I'm not."
"I can let you go off to fight her. But you have to be going off with that in mind. You can't win if you think you've already won," Weiss said. "You need to come at it with all your usual cunning and power. That's the only way you come back home to us. You said that's what you wanted right?"
"More than anything," I agreed.
"So don't take her at her word. Don't play into her mind games. That's what this sounds like to me. It sounds like something to set your teeth on edge," Weiss explained. "It sounds like a way to get you confused and make you uncomfortable so you're out of your depth when you fight her."
"I don't know. She sounded honest," I murmured.
"But you must agree that she could sound however she wants," Weiss hammered. "It's a hallucination. And don't forget when she made you choke out Ruby. That's not the attitude of someone going down without a fight."
"You're right. I have to go in with my all and I have to hope that it's enough."
"It is enough, Cloud. You're enough," Ruby murmured while she stroked my back.
I frowned. She didn't quite get it for all that she understood. I mean everybody understands the position I'm in. Everyone understands. But they also expected me to face her and I wasn't sure that I was up for it.
I loved Ruby but she didn't understand that I had to go but I wanted to stay. Weiss I know didn't. Yang and Blake understood that I had to face her at some point. It was something beyond a responsibility. It was a sacred task I was charged with. And sure I went to bed at night with one wife on each arm. But it got hot. And sometimes I wanted to be cold. I wanted to be ice cold in my sleep while I rested but my wives kept me burning up. It wasn't always a bad thing. It held me in place. It made me invade my own body when I wanted to fly free.
What could it all mean? I had to fight against my Mother at some point but this. This I didn't want to leave behind. But I had to anyway. I had to go anyway. I had to build all this up and I had to leave it all behind anyways. And that ached. I wanted to be there for my sons and daughters.
"You just don't understand," I hummed. "And that's my fault. I can't communicate with you. Either of you. Weiss thinks I want to leave. Ruby you think I have to. And I do. I do. But it's more than that. I can't leave my sons and daughters to face her in my place. I have to cut the head off this snake. Once and for all. Gods you both burn me up. I sweat at night and I wouldn't have it any other way. Just so long as you're warm. It makes me think. Think about how you'll sleep without me."
"We don't want to sleep without you…" Ruby trailed.
"I know that. Come on. I know that by now. But you have to. When I go. Believe it or not. We have to face some facts. And some facts I got to face is if Salem fights back I'm not walking away from that fight."
"It sounds like you're struggling. It sounds like one rough day that has you thinking and that's okay," Weiss entered. "You're allowed to have second doubts when it comes to what sounds like a suicide mission. Really. It does. Nobody is forcing you. Nobody expects any more from you than what you're capable of. Let's sleep. In the morning it will be clearer. I promise."
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-WG