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物の哀れ

mono no aware, "the pathos of things"

There was a sakura tree across the stream that ran in front of Kaede's house. Sometime in March, sometime in April, Rin watched it blossom into a massive white-pink cloud. On warm days she would climb up the trunk and lay on one of the strong branches, completely enveloped by the blooms. Then within two weeks, the tree would shed its petals and dot the rough path and water like snowflakes. For years, Rin watched the cycle repeat itself, and she never got tired of it.

Still, it was not merely the flowers that Rin looked forward to the most when the first florets began to push their way through the tight buds that had sheltered them during the winter.

Sesshomaru always came around the time of hanami.

Some years he visited in the summer and then skipped autumn and winter, or the other way around. It was miserable, really, trying to predict when he might show. But he was always consistent once spring arrived.

When Rin was sixteen, Sesshomaru came in the middle of the season; the tree had been in full flower for over a week now. He never announced himself or sent ahead a message; she would see him through the branches when she left Kaede's house to start her morning chores. When she spied him, she paused for a moment, considering him from a distance. He rested on the grass beneath the tree, not even looking in the direction of the wooden cabin that Rin now called home.

This time Sesshomaru had a slim box to present her. Inside was a fan painted gold and blue with a black-lacquered handle. It was an exquisite gift that Rin would treasure, but as per usual, she was more interested in just spending time with him.

They sat under the sakura tree, as had become their custom. Sesshomaru relaxed against the trunk while Rin sat an angle from him so she could look at him. She asked him about his travels; he asked her about her life in the village. She thought it spoke volumes that someone as taciturn as himself made an effort to converse with her, and on subjects in which he had close to no interest, if it had not been for her.

When her mind grew blank and she had exhausted all of her subjects of discussion, Rin scooted to join Sesshomaru against the base of the tree. She snuck a look at him. He had closed his eyes, yet Rin knew with him there was no such thing as rest. He could see just as well using only his keen sense of smell. She wondered if it was so discerning that he could tell that she had turned to face him.

He really was lovely. The most handsome face Rin had ever seen, human or otherwise. She couldn't have conceived of a creature with more beauty than he already boasted, with his lengthy hair the color of moonlight, deep amber eyes, and those distinctive markings. His default expression was a cool pensiveness, but today under the tree branches, it seemed more intriguing. The dappled light threw parts of his face in shadow and left others exposed to the gentle sun, contouring his visage with an uncharacteristic appearance of animation.

Rin glanced at his hand, laying negligently on his leg. It was a finely cut as the rest of him—elegant and almost delicate, belying its deadly power.

She wanted to touch it.

No, more than that.

She wanted to hold it.

Wanted to lace her fingers through his. Would he hold her hand back? What would it feel like? Would it be smooth or rough?

His eyes remained closed.

Rin held her breath. Raised her own hand hesitantly. Stretched it out towards him. When she was near, she paused. Had to collect her nerve. Opened and closed her fingers into a fist.

They hovered over the back of his hand. It was so close. Every roaring beat of her thumping heart told her, Take it! Take it! They were only inches apart but it felt like miles. It was the easiest motion in the world, for Rin to simply lower her hand so it would lay on top of his. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Why are you so tense."

Rin jumped and immediately felt heat and redness suffuse her face. She withdrew her hand as quickly as a whip; surely he would have felt the disturbance in the air. Now she placed both of her hands in her lap, each grasping the other, instead of his, she realized ruefully.

"I—I was only wondering when you think you might be coming after this."

"I do not know," he replied after a moment.

Of course. "Yes," she sighed, her disappointment clear.

"You are displeased?"

"I...would have wished I could see you more often, Sesshomaru-sama." More than once every time the trees change, Rin thought. I would want to see you as soon as tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that...

Rin was still staring at her hands when she heard the grass shifting next to her. Sesshomaru had turned to look at her.

"You're seeing me now," he said simply. He spoke with no particular inflection, only exasperating rationality. He never could take a hint, Rin thought.

And yet the matter-of-fact tone did nothing to quell the turmoil in her. Rather, it only whipped it up more fiercely. His eyes pulled her toward him. Like a moth to a flame, she was bidden to draw nearer. Was she actually leaning closer to him, or was she just imagining it? She was too confused to tell reality from imagination now; her head was a blank slate and all she could focus on were those alluring eyes that arrested her to the point of dumbness. Rin could have drowned in their golden depths...

"Yes," she breathed. "I'm seeing you...now." Her voice caught with her uncertainty.

She was so familiar with him she could have pictured him in her sleep; indeed she had done so before. What was it now that shook her to her core? Her entire body was coiled, taut with suspense. Did he feel the same? Rin wondered. Who did he see when he looked at her? Still a foolish girl who stained her knees with grass? Or a young woman who now knew medicine, and poetry, and maturity? He wasn't looking away, Rin realized somewhere in the back of her thoughts. She hoped he wouldn't. She was spellbound, but maybe he was too. She had captured his attention for this moment and she wanted to hold onto it forever—

Then something white fluttered down fluttered down in between them: a singular petal, white flushed with pale pink. Sesshomaru's eyes flitted to track its path to the the ground. As he did, Rin blinked and sat back a little, feeling blank.

The spell had broken. There had been a special magic just then, muting the world and bringing everything to a stand still so for a moment, it had been only the two of them. Now it was as if the walls of an illusion were crashing down around her. She could hear and feel the earth again, but it brought her no joy like it normally did. Rin stared unseeing across the path at Kaede's hut, trying to process herself, and then back at Sesshomaru. A hollow pit had opened up inside her. To her horror, the urge to cry suddenly threatened her and she quickly averted her gaze.

No. She would not humiliate herself in such a manner in front of Sesshomaru. Rin swallowed hard, tamping down the lump in her throat, and breathed in carefully.

It was silly to be so upset over flowers, but that had been the first petal of the season she had seen fall. Within a week, the tree would be bare of nearly all of them, and tomorrow Sesshomaru would be gone. How appropriate, Rin thought. He was just like the sakura.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." Rin tried to smile. "Just—just then, it was nice, wasn't it?"

He was surprisingly adept at reading emotions, but Rin didn't think he was so skilled as to interpret the reasons behind them, at least not all of them. Right now, Rin was grateful for it. She didn't want him to know how empty she was inside.

So when she registered Sesshomaru was looking at her again, Rin returned his gaze unflinchingly. His own face was inscrutable, and Rin could only guess at what he might have been thinking. She attempted to picture that wonderful instant from just seconds ago in her own mind, to no avail. That moment had passed, and Rin wouldn't get it back now.

Another opportunity no more, she thought. Perhaps when next year's flowers bloomed, Rin would find her courage.

A/N: Mono no aware refers to the awareness of the ephemeral nature of things and a sense of fleetingness in life. Cherry blossoms are often cited as an example of mono no aware and they just had a perfect parallelism to this image I had of Sesshomaru always coming and going that I couldn't resist.

I'm imagining this series taking place on a vague timeline, with the only absolute being that Rin is an adult in all of these stories. This story will likely be the the earliest-set that I'll write, so all further updates should be read in the context of them having already acknowledged their mutual attraction.