It's been a few hours now. You had gotten up and went about the normal morning routine. Jiraiya stayed in bed. Not sleeping either. He just rolled over and curled up. The covers hiding most of his face as he pretended to go back to bed. He didn't want to get up. You made breakfast and he still didn't come out. Okay... something was wrong. You set a coffee made up how he likes on the nightstand beside him. He barely breathed a word of thanks before falling silent.

You gently tug the blanket away from Jiraiya's face and offer him a worried, but loving smile. You play with his hair and pull it away from his face. He's upset about something. You just don't know what. His eyes stare ahead, a little vacant and lost. Like he was lost in thought. Sad thoughts, from the look of it.

"Do you want to talk about it?" You ask.

He shakes his head. He sits up with a reluctant sigh. You put the coffee in his hands. He looks at it and tilts it around. The coffee just barely touching the rim. He gets like this sometimes. Usually when it was the anniversary of something. Whose death was it this time? He rarely talks about these things. It's healthy to mourn, but unhealthy to dwell on it by himself. To keep it all in like that. He could benefit from a good cry.

"You don't have to hide how you feel. Not around me." You use similar words he had spoken to you once before.

Jiraiya grips the mug tighter. Has anyone ever told him that? Emotions are hard. Hard to feel and even harder to express. Especially in a world where he was raised to hold it all in. Boys don't cry. Neither do men. They simply hide how it hurts. Or else be considered fragile and weak. He doesn't glance up at you. Just stares at his coffee harshly. His lips drawn in a tight line. You kiss his forehead and keep your face near his. You touch his face, holding it and stroking along his cheek with your thumb. You kiss his lips. To which he barely returns.

"I just want to help, Jiraiya." You speak quietly.

A shaky breath leaves him. Jiraiya looks up at you. He leans forward and presses his face against your shoulder. His breathing quickens and one of his hands grabs the sleeve of your sweater. It's not quite crying. But he's working up the nerve to. To bare that kind of weakness to someone he loves. It's just... hard. You put a hand on his back. You rest your head against his. After several long seconds of hard breathing, you feel it. Something warm and wet falling on your shoulder. A drop that saturated a spot on your clothing.

"I'm sorry." Jiraiya was so quiet.

You gently rock him back and forth. The motion was comforting. You run your hand through his hair.

"Don't apologize for how you feel." You press a kiss to his head. "Just let it out."

Jiraiya is a quiet crier. Holding onto you as the most noises he makes are sniffles. His teeth gritted and tense all the way to his throat to shun any sobs. His warm tears falling into your shoulder. Do you really mind? No... you asked for it after all. It's nice to be there for him. Something warm and wet spills on your thigh. Jiraiya had dropped the coffee. It's contents spilled on the bed and the cup landed beside his thigh. He uses his now free hand to hold you tighter. He wants to get a grip on himself, but can't. Crying in his girlfriend's arms wasn't something he ever planned on doing.

"It's my fault!... It's all my fault." Jiraiya's shaky weak voice whispered against your neck.

Now it started to hurt. Hearing Jiraiya so distressed. It pulled at your heart. You don't want to see him like this. Whatever guilt he's holding he doesn't deserve. You blink back your own tears. Seeing you upset will only spiral him. He hated seeing you upset. Right now, you had to be his rock. The gentle and warm support that empathizes greatly, but doesn't fall apart with him. You sit back and push him away slightly, just enough to look him in the face.

"Come on, let's move to the couch." You speak lovingly. Sitting in coffee wasn't comfortable.

Now your heart really does break. Seeing his teary face. Jiraiya viciously sniffles to suck back the runny nose. His cheeks and nose red. Eyes refusing to look at you as another tear runs down his cheek. He's too embarrassed to look you in the eye while he's in such a state. You 'aw' quietly and wipe away his tears. How many times has he done that for you? Held you, kissed you, wiping your tears away as he talked you through it. He has just as much a right to do this. You lead him out of the bedroom and onto the couch in the living room.

You kiss his cheek. He's very warm. Flushed and heated from crying. You take care of him. Getting him to blow his nose. Gently persuading him to down a glass of water. Handing him a painkiller to go with it. Crying brings on the worst headaches. You push him to lay on his back. Jiraiya willingly falls, sighing as his head hits the arm rest. You wet a face cloth with cold water and place it over his forehead and eyes.

"It'll release some of the pressure. You're going to get a nasty headache regardless, but it'll help." You explain.

"Thanks..." Its quiet for a moment. "You want to know, don't you?"

For some reason, you felt guilty. Jiraiya had his fair share of secrets. It would be foolish to think he was completely open with you. His past was sorta a mystery. All you know was he fought in the war. But it felt like you were prying into something you shouldn't be.

"You don't have to. I understand if you don't want to talk about it." You assure with a smile.

"..." Jiraiya slowly pulls the cloth down his face. He balls it in his fist against his chest and looks at you. There's still pain and sadness in his eyes. His head is throbbing and it hurt to talk, but he wants to. "I had... students once. Before Minato. Before you. During the war I trained them for three years. But... they..."

"How old were they?" You wanted to know. Kids? Adults? Just who were these students?

"Thirteen... fourteen... poor things didn't even know their birthdays." He sighs. "Today... was the date I got a message, over six years ago, informing me of their deaths. I just... feel responsible."

Jiraiya stares at the ceiling. He can still smell and feel the rain of that day. The despair and pain of learning about their demise. They grew up so rough, why did they have to die so young? You keep stroking his hair and face. You take the cloth from him. You flip it around before covering half his face again.

"I can't imagine how that feels." You say quietly. You rub his temples, hoping to rid him of some of the pain. "But... you didn't kill them. It's not your fault." You run your thumbs over his brows above the cloth. "You did what you could."

He doesn't say anything. You watch his throat bob with a swallow. You lay against Jiraiya's chest, pressing your cheek against it. You continue to give him a slow facial massage. His heartbeat is calming down to a normal beat. His breathing got deeper... and deeper. He's falling asleep.

"Thank you." Jiraiya finally said. His voice was quiet and tired. He's not used to crying, it wore him out.

You sit up just so you can kiss him. Then rest back on his chest. Jiraiya wraps his arms around you. He feels better. Finally sharing this with someone made the pain less harmful. Having you, taking care of him and comforting him... it felt good. A midday nap seemed like the perfect way to wrap this up. He pulls you up closer to his face. He prefers your face close to his when you sleep on top of him. Nuzzling his face against the top of your head. His nose and lips against your hair as he breathes in the scent of it. It's familiar and comforting. He likes it because it's a constant reminder that you're right there. It's something he always registers in his sleep. You're happy to stay where you are. You continue to play with his hair and rubbing the tips of your fingers against his scalp. Quiet snoring informs you that he had fallen asleep. But his grip doesn't loosen. His arms around your back and legs wrapped around yours.

This man... you love him deeply. It's nice to know Jiraiya trusts you enough to lower some of his walls. To let you in and allow you to explore. He's never cried in front of you before. He's probably never cried in front of anyone before! He was always confident and strong. He never showed weaknesses because they made room for the exploitation of them. But behind that 'screw you I'm cool' exterior, was someone who really was sweet. Sweet and perhaps more sensitive and compassionate then they want to admit. Someone with a good heart.

You remove the cloth from his face before he accidentally suffocates. Despite being blinded by the lock he has on your head, you gently dab off his cheeks without much trouble. You toss it aside once you are sure his face is tear free. You wrap your arms around his neck and settle in. You close your eyes and completely relax. Jiraiya is very warm and quite comfortable. Content to have a lazy day, you drift to sleep.