Warning death of the reader

With a fond smile, Hiruzen watches the little girl hiding behind her father's leg. She's barely peeking out from behind it while holding handfuls of his pants for security. Her little face contorted into a furrow. It wasn't quite a scowl, it's not angry enough. It was thoughtful but distrustful. It was like she was focused too hard on trying to figure out who the old man in front of her is.

"Sayuri." Jiraiya called her name and scooted her forward away from her hiding spot behind him. "It's alright, he won't hurt you."

The sagely old leader waved at her. She chanced letting go of Jiraiya's pants with only one hand to wave back. She didn't like new people.

"This is my teacher. Remember I was telling you about him?" Jiraiya asked her.

Sayuri nodded. She's quiet. He didn't like talking all that much unless it's with her daddy. Because daddy told her she shouldn't trust strangers. She looks up from her scowling to look at Jiraiya. He had put his hand on the top of her head and smiled at her.

"She looks so much like her mother." The old man chances treading into that territory.

The smile on Jiraiya's face turned tired and, to the trained eye, sad. His little girl tilts her head slightly in confusion. She never liked or understood why her father always looked to sad whenever someone mentioned mommy. He gently fixed her white hair, pushing away her bangs to show off her whole face. The hair was inherited from him and everyone thinks that's why she's named after the white lily... She really does have your face.

"Yeah... she does." Jiraiya eventually says.

The door opens. Sayuri nearly jumps out of her skin. She scrambled to climb up her father for safety. He huffed a laugh and held her. He'll be the first to admit he has been a little overbearing as a parent. He's warned her several times that strangers are dangerous. She's grown up fearful, but he couldn't lose her too. Her face is nuzzled into his chest as she clung onto his shirt with tight fists. He rubs her back to soothe her of her stranger anxiety.

"It's alright, kiddo." He comforts her. "This guy is someone you can trust! Don't you remember him?"

The quiet four year old timidly turns her head to see who was there. She narrowed her eyes at the blonde man looking at her with the same friendly smile as the old man that was behind her. But the way that her father speaks to that man does make her feel better. It's the same somewhat quiet and calm tone he uses when talking to her.

"It's good to see you again, Minato. You look good." Jiraiya greeted his old student fondly.

"Thanks, sensei. You look good too!" Minato beamed. He turned his attention back to the little girl looking at him. "And little Sayuri too! I haven't seen you in so long!"

She curls her face back into Jiraiya's chest when he spoke to her. He couldn't help but chuckle. How strange to see the daughter of his very confident teacher so shy. Then again, you were more introverted. Soft spoken and quiet in comparison to your loud voiced husband. Maybe that trait was passed on.

Hiruzen politely cleared his throat. Everyone turned their attention back to him.

"I need to speak to you alone, Jiraiya." He said. He gestured to Minato. "I've summoned someone I know you trust to look after your daughter while we talk."

Jiraiya visibly tensed. He's never been separated from Sayuri for too long. He rarely leaves her ever. The idea still scared him. While he is fully aware no one in Konoha will harm his child, it's hard to let go of that control over her safety into someone else's hands. Even if that someone is a person who he trusts with his life.

"I no wanna leave you, daddy." Sayuri whispered.

Those words yank on his heart. He sighs and puts a kiss on the top of her head. He didn't want to leave her either. She clung onto his kosode tighter and pulled the hems closer to cover her eyes.

"I'm sorry, honey. I'm gonna have to leave you with my friend." He said in a hushed tone.

He gently peeled her away from his chest to hand her off to Minato. Sayuri didn't like to complain. She stayed quiet but looked betrayed. She stuck her lip out in a pout as she looked at him with teary eyes. It hurt to be separated from someone he loves so much. But he has a duty as a ninja to follow his leader's orders.

It still took a while. Jiraiya took his time comforting his daughter with enough promises that held the weight of the world and all it's jewels. He pet her head and spoke to her sweetly. She eventually let Minato take her away. She dragged her fingers along Jiraiya's with that continued want to be with him. She held onto Minato's hand as he lead her out of the office, but kept looking back to her father. Jiraiya stared at the door after it closed. He bit the inside of his cheek as he contemplated running to go get her back. His heart already aches to have her next to him. It just felt wrong.

"I know how hard it is to let go." Hiruzen spoke again. He's a father of two himself. He understands the struggle of letting one's babies go out without constant parental watch. "But she'll be fine. I won't take up too much of your time."

"Then let's get this over with." Jiraiya crosses his arms and tried to put his worry behind him. He turned back around to face the old leader with a firm expression. "Why did you summon me back?"

"I'm considering retiring."

"And why is that my problem?"

"Jiraiya, please. You know what I'm going to ask."

He grimaced. He shook his head after a moment.

"Is it really such a horrible request?" Hiruzen asks. "Think of your daughter. A good steady job as Hokage gives her better options here."

"Don't use her to try and convince me.."

"It means you'll be closer to... both of them."

A lump formed in Jiraiya's throat. The mention of you still hurts. Even if he's come to terms with your untimely death... hearing it still felt like a stab to the heart.

"Don't do that to me." He didn't have the strength to speak above a whisper. "Not today."

"Just consider it before you completely reject the idea. You have the future of your little one to keep in mind. Not just your own."

"..."

Hiruzen looks him over with a small frown. Jiraiya would make an excellent leader. It's quite a shame he always turns the opportunity down. He's clever and responsible. Having a child has certainly forced him to grow into maturity. He's got excellent judgment and holds the values he was taught since toddlerhood. Passing the torch to Jiraiya was the most natural step to take. It made the most sense and it's hard to find anyone else who would make a good leader. But your death still haunts him. It probably kills him to be in Konoha for more than a day. He still has on his wedding ring and yours is around his neck looped through a string of silver. It's clear he hasn't moved on. Hiruzen sighs after a moment. He only mentioned you and Sayuri in hopes Jiraiya will actually consider it for longer than a second. He knows very well that time of year it is. The sentimental value of this day makes Jiraiya a little weaker emotionally. It's a dirty trick... but hopefully it'll help him realize what is best for him.

Being the child of the Hokage also means plenty of better opportunities. Surely any father would want that for their child. A good education and steady income. It means food and shelter too. How Jiraiya manages to take care of himself and his little daughter while always on the road is a mystery. In fact, Jiraiya looks a little on the skinny side and Sayuri is quite small for her age. The hard times don't have to be hard if he wasn't so stubborn.

"Think of what it'll mean for Sayuri." Hiruzen urged again. He smiled after a momentary pause. "I believe Minato took her to one of the lily fields a little off path by the cemetery. Good lad, that boy. He knows you well."

Jiraiya nods before leaving. He can't even speak. The lump in his throat had rose and expanded just behind his tongue. Is he really so predictable? He wants to visit you with a gift like anyone would want to do to their lost love. Especially today of all days.

Lilies are your favourite. White lilies in specific made you so happy. They were simple and pretty despite their lack of colour. There was something about them you always loved. You would always put one in Jiraiya's hair behind his ear whenever he brought you a bouquet, saying how they remind you of him too. He never minded it. He actually quite liked it. No one ever compared him to such pretty things before. He held his head high whenever he had a white bloom in his hair from his beloved. He always got a few strange looks, but he didn't care. It made him feel good to carry around a piece of you.

He drowned in them when you passed away. It was almost like a cruel joke. They are a popular sympathy flower. While he appreciated that so many people wanted to offer their condolences, it was like staring at a room of you. All these white lilies with no where to put them. Your grave was already full of them and they kept piling.

He pauses to watch his kid and student interact at a distance. Leaning against a tree to stay partially hidden. Just for a minute or so to collect his thoughts and watch how they're getting along. Minato is knelt on the ground at Sayuri's level. She's still behaving a little stand offish. She stood a foot away from him and barely casted him a glance. She was quiet as she answered his questions. That was pretty good. That's her way of saying she liked him.

"What about that one?" Minato points to a flower.

"It pretty." Sayuri said.

"Did you want that one too?"

She nods. He smiles at her and breaks the stem from the ground before handing it to her. For the first time, Sayuri finally smiled at him. She had quite the bouquet of wild flowers in her hands. That included all different colours of lilies. They grow native around here. The ditches and grass beside paths of the Land of Fire is decorated with lilies. It's quite pretty. You used to pick them as a kid... kinda like how Sayuri is doing now.

"Why do you want so many lilies?" Minato asked. He crawled away to another bush of them where she ran to. He plucked the ones she pointed at.

"It mommy's favourite! And daddy said I gotta go see her."

"And you want to give her all of her favourites?"

"Yea."

"Okay. But maybe we should leave a few."

"Why?"

Minato pauses for a moment. If he let's this continue, the whole field will be picked. It's a popular one since it's so near the graveyard. Plenty of people pluck a few flowers for the people they are going to visit. There's technically a limit so that everyone has a chance to grab a few. The only thing saying as such was a politely worded sign at the edge of the field where people usually enter from to pick. It's not enforced, but it's frowned upon to take more than what's recommended. Which is a concept he's not sure the wee little girl will understand. He hates lying to kids. He hates telling them no too. These flowers are for you after all. And with the timing of it all, it's the anniversary of your death. Which is also... Sayuri's birthday. How can he say no to a little girl on her birthday?

"Uh... so they can grow bigger for next year?"

Sayuri looks at her big bouquet she put together. It is starting to get heavy and it's almost too big for her to hold. A section of the field is blank of pretty colours because she's holding them all. Waiting another year to give you bigger flowers sounded like a good plan. She can give you pretty giant ones next year!

"Okay." She agreed.

He sighed. Good, she believed him. He patted her head, which she didn't shy away from this time. The nice blonde man was growing on her. He kinda reminds her of her father. Quiet and nice.

"Sayuri!" Jiraiya called her name from his spot a few feet away. He left his hiding spot and was waiting by the edge where the path and the field meet.

"Daddy!" She gasped. She ran to him excitedly.

He caught her and lifted her up. She held onto him like he's been missing from her life for years. She presented the flowers in her hands with pride.

"Look what I got!"

"Very pretty." Jiraiya said with a nod. "Those for mommy?"

"Uh huh! Will she like them?"

"You picked them! She'll love them."

Sayuri beamed a wide smile. She stared at her assembled bouquet with pride. Jiraiya let his smile drop. He distracted himself from any negative thoughts by fixing some of the stray hairs that escaped Sayuri's hair ribbon. Her hair is as untameable as his is. The hard part is coming up. Taking the steps to the cemetery always felt like his feet suddenly had cinder blocks tied to them.

"That was a quick meeting." Minato noted.

He was standing in front of Jiraiya with a curious look to his face. He's too polite to pry more than his teacher is comfortable with sharing. But it was all rather sudden. Jiraiya doesn't get requested to come back to the village unless it's very serious. It was just strange. There's nothing going on serious enough to require Jiraiya coming home, was there?

"I don't want to talk about it." Jiraiya answers the non spoken question.

"Alright." Minato shrugged it off then changed the subject. "Do you have dinner plans?"

"Not really."

"How about at our place?"

"You don't have to do that." Jiraiya shook his head. He looks back down to his daughter. Who is playing with the petals of one of the flowers. She was too absorbed in the task to be paying attention to the conversation. He's not one for charity. "I don't want to intrude on your day."

"Oh please! We don't have anything planned tonight anyways." Minato laughed. He put his hand firmly on Jiraiya's shoulder. "Come on, let me and Kushina give Sayuri a good birthday. I insist! You know we'll just drag you over anyways, sensei!"

A small smile cracks Jiraiya's grim face. True enough. He skipped out last year... or tried too. He just got Sayuri down for a nap and Kushina found him. She dragged him out by his ear to have dinner with her and Minato no matter if he was in the mood for it or not. Neither she or her husband liked seeing him so blue. They are a nice distraction. They know what to say and do to make him forget the pain of your loss for a few hours. Which was usually to get him plastered on good wine and fed with his comfort foods.

"Heh... alright." Jiraiya agreed. Good company sounds nice after such a long day. Going along with it is easier than getting dragged across town by that determined red head. He'll be going since the choice is pretty much artificial. It'll be nice to do something for Sayuri too. Her previous birthdays usually consisted of getting her a treat or a toy and not much else. Then again, the last soirée they held got out of hand. "Only if Kushina doesn't plan anything crazy. The last birthday party you two hosted, the cops were called."

"Don't worry! A cop raid is more of a seventh birthday type of thing!"

The two men share a laugh. They said their goodbyes and split up with the promise to meet up after. A sinking sensation always takes over the moment Jiraiya faces that direction. The closer he gets to the cemetery, the worse this feeling builds. It's knowing the cold hard sight, but always wanting it to be different. Jiraiya only takes a deep breath to steady his nerves. He didn't like to rattle his daughter by behaving nervous. She's very in tune to how he feels. It's a bit annoying that he can't hide how he feels around her most of the time. You did that too. You could see right through him.

Passing under the gate always made the world feel colder. Darker too. The perfectly lined up graves were always an unsavoury sight. Stopping in front of yours feels like standing on ice. Like this one little lot was under a spell to be a constant winter. It shouldn't be bright. It shouldn't be warm in such a desolate place. Jiraiya set Sayuri down on the ground before the grave. It's in good shape. It's the responsibility of the family of the deceased to take care of their gravestone. He's got someone to thank... probably Minato. That boy has always been very thoughtful... He really liked you too. He was devastated when you died. He was there to support Jiraiya during the that horrible time. No one understood how he felt better than Minato, who was his shoulder to cry on and quiet listener to his agony.

"What do, dad?" Sayuri asked. She had her head raised straight up to look at him.

"Put the flowers in the vase right here." Jiraiya instructs. He knelt down and pointed to the black vase that was beside the grave. Each one had one of these. It was staked deep into the ground to keep it from getting knocked over and set to the right side of the grave so the name isn't obstructed.

"Okay!"

She put the flowers in one at a time. It was taking all her concentration. Jiraiya stares at the engraving of your name as she arranged the flowers. He longs to see your face again. He'd give his legs to just hold you one last time.

It really was cruel wasn't it?

You would have made an amazing mother. It was something you always wanted. Even as kids playing house together, you and Jiraiya discussed having kids. It was decided that you and him were going to have four kids... Enough to make a three man team and a captain. But it just wasn't meant to be. It was risky for you to even have one. You struggled for years with him with fertility issues. Then when you finally got pregnant, it was the happiest day of both his and your life. The struggle was finally over! At that time, Jiraiya was still scared to become a parent. He was no role model, nor was he sure if he had that parental instinct. You always assured him he would be a great father. You suffered a hard pregnancy with health issues so severe it was recommended at one point to abort for your safety. But you pressed on.

After that bad spell, you recovered and all seemed well again. Your third trimester was smooth sailing for the most part, every pregnancy has it's ups and downs of course. You had your loving partner to support you through everything that was thrown at you. You and Jiraiya did everything baby related together. Got a nursery set up in the apartment you and him lived in. Baby clothes were bought in bundles. The ultrasound pictures were shown to everyone with pride. The countless nights staying up late to chat about baby names, or just chatting about all the cute things about babies. He got more excited the further along you got. He quickly came th accept the responsibility of fatherhood. It can't be that bad or scary with you there!

Then... you didn't stop bleeding.

After a long pregnancy that you powered through and got so absolutely excited about this new step in life with your husband, you struggled through a terrible labour. You wouldn't stop hemorrhaging. Jiraiya was forced out of the room before the shock really set in. Your blood was quickly soaking the bed underneath you. He fought them. He didn't want to leave you in such a state. You were scared. You were holding your daughter when suddenly all the strength you had left you. Your baby was taken away and your husband was hysterically calling for you. You called for him too. You didn't want to be alone.

No one got to say a proper goodbye. It was all so sudden. The world suddenly didn't have you in it.

No matter what the doctors did, they couldn't stop the bleeding. They apologized and said they did all they could, but it felt like a lie. If they did all they could then you would be alive. Within the span of an hour, Jiraiya was suddenly widowed and the father of a brand new baby girl instead of happily celebrating with his new family of three. Why?... Just why him? Why you? His soulmate was taken from him. A part of him died that day.

A lot of details were blurry after that. He remembers staring at the floor while tears just streamed down his cheeks. The sounds of his baby crying was distant in his hearing. She was seeking his comfort... but he... he can't. His wife is dead and he didn't know what he should do. For a while... he considered just walking away. How could he bear looking at his daughter when you are gone? She's you but little. How could he be a father without you here? He can't. He couldn't! He didn't even see his new baby for hours out of fear and grief. His baby would be better off without him.

Who else to convince him otherwise than a father figure?

Hiruzen showed up to the hospital after hearing the news of your demise. You meant the world to Jiraiya and he knew the poorly his student would be handling it. He also knew what Jiraiya would be contemplating. He picked up Sayuri along the way and placed her in Jiraiya's arms before an inhale of complaint could be uttered.

"She's already lost one parent today. Does she need to lose two?"

That question stuck in Jiraiya's mind. Especially with the follow up statement of the fact that he is a father whether he likes it or not. No matter what he does, he has a daughter and can he turn his back on that? No... he couldn't.

He later learned that Hiruzen was slightly scared when he next came around to see Jiraiya gone. He wouldn't put it passed his student to leave before anyone could stop it. The fear was quickly settled at seeing Jiraiya having a much needed nap with his little baby on his chest in one of the unoccupied hospital beds. Neither of them had slept peacefully since your death. Sayuri stopped her consistent wailing the moment she was with her father. Same with Jiraiya. His crying quieted down to sniffles when he was napping her. It looks like they needed one another.

Hiruzen was right... of course he was. Jiraiya can't imagine his life without his daughter in it. He loves her so much. If Sayuri wasn't there, he would have spiralled further into a depression he probably wouldn't recover from. All the demands of a baby distracted him in a good way. He could focus on the beautiful little thing you and him made together. He left as soon as he could to raise her away from the village. He didn't like being around anymore. You've been with him since childhood and every place in the village reminded him of you. Just laying in the bed you once shared with him tore him up inside. The empty space next to him wasn't warm anymore. He didn't wake up to your face in front of his with your sleepy greeting being the first thing he heard. Instead it was a void that he hates staring at. Even now waking up sometimes felt too hard without you next to him. His hand still searches for you sometimes when he's half awake, but it only grazes sheets.

It was easier to be away from the sympathetic looks and interactions too. Each one was a terrible reminder that you died. It became nauseating to always be around. He didn't want to look at parenthood like that. He didn't want to look at Sayuri and think of how you died. He's a father raising his daughter that's all. It's better to think of it as she's a gift, because that's exactly what she is. The treasure of all treasures. She's everything to him. He lives for her. They make each other stronger.

But was this life really giving Sayuri everything she needs? Jiraiya does his best with what he's given. He skips his meals sometimes to make sure she eats. He's gone for days now without much of anything because his paycheque got lost. He curls his body around her to keep her warm at night. He never shows his kid the negative sides of this. He denies her offering him food with a big smile and telling her that growing girls need their yummies. He can live off of chewing pine needles and eating clovers for a few days. He tucks the blanket back around her when she tries to cover him. He can handle a breezy summer night without a cover. So long as she's healthy and happy, he'd suffer as much as necessary.

There's also the problem of education. Jiraiya is a teacher, but he had very little idea how to teach school things. He knows how to teach chakra levels and activations, but teaching mathematics and language arts was completely different. Such basic things are actually quite hard to teach. Sayuri's education is being mostly handled by those booklets meant for quick tutoring and introduction of the next school level. It's hardly a full years worth of education from a qualified teacher. He has no clue how to handle her teachings when she gets older.

Sayuri is also incredibly shy. Her socializing is usually just limited to speaking to Jiraiya and some of the toads. She didn't like people and he's accidentally drilled stranger danger too hard into her skull to the point she didn't even like kids her age. He really didn't want her to grow up to be a hermit like he is. Or totally dependent on him.

Is raising her on the road selfish? It feels like he's holding on too tightly. He panics when she's not immediately in his eyesight. He wakes up sometimes in a startle and checks if she's okay. He holds her hand firmly when they travel. He rarely lets her run free. His baby hates people and is going to grow up stupid because he can't raise her right. He must be a terrible father for choosing this life.

Maybe accepting the offer wouldn't be such a bad idea. Or just settling down in Konoha for her sake. What he wants doesn't really matter anymore. Even if being in the village drives him crazy, he'll stay so his kid will live a better life. A life with food and beds for them both. A life with qualified people to teach her and she can learn how to socialize with all the kids her age.

"You would know what to do." Jiraiya mutters under his breath.

He can almost see you smiling and shaking your head at him.

"You worry too much. You're doing great!" You would most likely say. You'd pat his head and give him a kiss on the cheek. "Our baby is growing up just fine. You know that, don't you?"

"I'm not so sure..." He sighs.

He really has no clue what he'll do. Accept the job or not... do something different for his kid, or keeping doing what he's doing despite the downsides. Then again, both options have downsides. A life doing what he hates but it comes with stability or a life that's tolerable by slumming it. Sigh... if only you were here. Then again, you'd probably tell him to do what makes him happy. Which isn't much help. He wants Sayuri to be happy. If she's happy, he's happy. She's too young to know what's good for her. He has to make that decision.

"Daddy?"

Jiraiya casts his eyes down to Sayuri. She's holding out a lily towards him. It's white.

"This no fit!" She exclaims. Her brows are furrowed as she stared at the flower in offence that it wouldn't listen to her.

He looks over to the vase to see that it is stuffed full. The stems of the flowers on the outside were squished at the lip of the vase from the force of the inner ones pushing on them, forcing them to bow. They were arranged lopsided as the outer ones were also not all the way pushed in. The bottom of the vase is narrower, so it must have ran out of room.

"That's alright, kiddo." Jiraiya assured her. He took the flower from her. "Mama won't miss one flower. She knows it was meant for her."

He pauses to look it over. It really is like you are here trying to tell him something. He still doesn't know what.

"Sayuri? Do you like how we live?" He asks. "Do you like always walking around? Or do you want to stay here? You could have friends and a nice home."

It feels a little foolish to ask a four year old. Sayuri barely knows how to write her own name let alone make a life altering decision. But Jiraiya does value her opinion. She's all he's got. If she wants a nice home and friends to talk to, he'll make it happen. Hell, she could request him to do the impossible and he'd find a way to do it.

"I live wit you, daddy?" She asked, not really understanding what he means. "I like you, daddy!"

"I like you too, honey. But do you want to just like me? Do you want to like more people? Like little girls and boys like you?"

"Nah uh! Just daddy! I no like people!"

Well... the introverted apple doesn't fall far from the antisocial tree. She's more like him than he thought. Jiraiya smiles at Sayuri as she prattles on in her limited speech about all the things she remembers seeing. All the sights he's showed her around the different lands. Something that's not possible if he's Hokage...

"Like the toadies and the big tall peakies and the snow and the big water! I like the big water!"

"Is that so? I guess I should take you back to see it then."

"Yay!"

One of the best things was seeing Sayuri's excitement at showing her all these grand sights. Her tiny mind was blown away each time. Whether it was giant toads, mountaintops, or oceans she loved each one. Still so... she's young enough where the transition wouldn't be so difficult. She'll travel when she's older. Jiraiya loves traveling with her and she loves it too, but he loves her and values her future more... What to do... Why is this so hard?

He snapped most of the length of the stem off, with a bit left over to help keep it in place. He tucked the flower behind Sayuri's ear. He ran his fingers behind her ear, down her jaw, and to her chin. He raised her head ever so slightly with a gentle push to see her whole face. She stares at him with curious eyes. Just like you. She's your little twin in looks. You would put flowers in her hair like you did with him. He'll start doing it to keep the tradition.

"There. That's a good place for it." He said with a smile. "It's a gift from mommy. To thank you for the flowers you got her."

"Mommy really like them?"

"I know for a fact that she loves them."

Sayuri ginned, but it quickly fell when she noticed something. If there's one thing kids understand, it's emotions. He may be smiling, but Sayuri knows her father is sad. His smile is quivering and his eyes are glassy. Talking about you always makes him do that. But he always says that you're in a better place, so shouldn't he be happy that you are somewhere so wonderful? She doesn't understand but she wants him to feel better. So she does what he always does for her when she's sad. She took the few little steps to close the distance and hugged him.

Jiraiya takes a shaky breath as he tries to get a grip. It's hard to keep these emotions in check. He can't help but laugh a little. He must be horrid at it if his four year old can see how distressed he is. He holds her tightly. He puts a kiss on the top of her head.

"Love you." Sayuri whispers.

"I love you too, honey." He returns. He gives her head another kiss. He smiles and means it. There's something he forgot to say until now. "Happy birthday Sayuri."

"Birtday?"

"Birthday." Jiraiya both confirms and corrects. "You are one year older!"

He stands with her in his arms. He carries her with one arm under her butt and his hip helping support her weight. He questions her in the curious but positive tone he uses to test if she understands what is going on. With his other hand free, he uses it as a tool to visually aid her.

"Do you know how old you are now? If we put three together with one, what do we get?" He raised his fingers accordingly when he said the numbers.

Sayuri stares at his hand for a moment as she thought.

"Four." She states.

"That's right!"

Jiraiya congratulates her with a raspberry to the cheek, which never fails to make her laugh. She curled her cheek to her neck because she's ticklish too and the vibrations tend to tickle her sensitive skin all the way down her neck. He chuckles at her reaction as it never fails to make him smile. She has the best giggle but she doesn't do it much.

He hesitates to leave. He turns away from the grave but pauses. He looks back. You'll always be here. He hates leaving you alone. He loves you so much. It's still unfair that you are in the ground. He would've traded his life for yours if he was given the option. He always imagined that his marriage to you would end with him going first after seeing his children grown up and successful in whatever they did in life. Then being there to greet you in the after life years later.

You'll be the one to greet Jiraiya. He's accepted that. While it's hard to live without you, he somewhat looks forward to the end of his journey. The day he dies, he plans on waking up in whatever the after life looks like and finding you. Where he'll then hold you and kiss you. That's how he always pictured it no matter who went first. Just being with you in a field with lush grass and clear blue skies. If only just to hug you and enjoy the blissful silence of being in your presence again. With his arms around you, body firm against yours, and face buried into the comfortable nook of your neck. Dreams like this that keep him going strong.

That'll be many years to come. You've always been patient when it comes to him. Surely you understand that he's got Sayuri to take care of. Once that's over with, then he'll come to you. In a way, he can't wait for his time to come. Death is a fact of life that he's always accepted, but only after living a good life with Sayuri. If he did anything to compromise that, you'd probably beat him in the after life before accepting him into your arms. You'd probably do that anyways. You hated it when he was sad. If you are watching him, you'd hate to see him so mournful. You want him happy... The only time he was happy is when he was with you. The pain is still there, but Sayuri numbs it.

"Daddy? What doing?" Sayuri asked. He's been still for too long. He's staring blankly again. He does that sometimes and she doesn't know why.

"Thinking." He replied. He took his eyes away from your headstone to smile at Sayuri. "Let's go see Minato again. He got something good for us to eat."

"Yum!" The mention of food perked her right up. She turned her head to look at your grave. She waves her little hand at you. "Bye mommy!"

The smile on Jiraiya's face grows. Sayuri is bit young to fully grasp the idea of death, but it's nice to see her interact with you. All she knows is that you're here and that you loved her more than anything. These visits are good for her... More of them will be good for her too.

"Bye mommy..." He repeats quietly.

Sometimes he swears he can see you waving from your post in the cemetery. With the faint smell of your perfume in the breeze. Or your fingers dragging through his hair... He misses you. He always will no matter what.

Jiraiya walks away. It's time to move on for now. You'll always be here waiting for them. The choice he's got to make is shoved to the back of his mind. He has to have an answer by tomorrow afternoon. Maybe after a drunken heart to heart with Minato he can make a confident decision. He needs another opinion from someone else who knows him.

For now he's gotta cheer up. It's his little girl's birthday after all! What kind of dad would he be if he made her stay in the cemetery all day? He'll stop at the corner store to spoil her dinner a little bit with a popsicle. She deserves it for being so good today. At the gate, Jiraiya can't help but steal one last glance...

Until next time.