Everyone likened the Cullens to Gods. How little did they know that they were right. And Bella was the (un)lucky human who was about to discover it all, getting thrown head long into Godly drama and a destiny foretold in the stars to being married with the hottest yet rudest goddess alive, Rosalie. Oh, and if they don't get together in three months time, than the world can end and Rosalie's definitely not making it easy. What's a mortal to do?
Have You Met my Goddess Wife? She's Kind of a B!tch
Chapter One: I, Bella Swan, the Unfortunate Mortal
A/N: This is an AU where the Cullens are varying gods and goddesses. This story features a different humor and writing style from my normal ones, but I just wanted to try something different.
"The Cullens are all really, really hot. And like, super rich. Their father has sooooo much money, like you wouldn't even believe. And not only that but like, they're smart and talented and can do sooooo many things. Ya. Like Edward is a musician, Emmett is a star basketball player, Alice can paint really well, Jasper is a history buff, and Rosalie is like, super good with robotics and shit. And did I mention they're all really hot? Like, super hot. Like, you will not believe hot. Like, god levels of hotness I'm talking about here," the whiny and super valley girl accented voice of one bobble-head blonde filled me in as I grimaced and walked down the hall between my classes, trying to ignore the migraine next to me.
Jessica, so called friendly girl, head of the school newspaper, and self proclaimed gossip queen, had latched herself onto my side like a leech as soon as I walked in through the doors of my new high school. Forks High. The imagery the uncreative name conjured up for me was a school where every single subject taught was about forks in some way. Like the proper way to utilize all the different types of forks. What the best material was for forks. The union of spoon and fork into glorious spork. Perhaps even the best trajectory of planting a fork in someone's eyeball which was what I was thinking of doing with Jessica right now.
She'd been blabbing my ear off the whole day because, since I was the new girl, she decided I need to be acquainted with Forks High's culture and the most vital of gossip, which apparently all revolved around a group of hot kids. I knew more about their lives than I wished to. Honestly, I kind of wished Forks High had been all about forks. A dancing fork mascot at basketball games sounded amazing right now.
"Yea you mentioned they were hot like a million times by now," I said grumpily, pushing my hair out of my face. It tended to look windswept and not in the L'Oreal commercial type of way but the I just woke up in the middle of sleeping in the woods way. I had given up on trying to fix my hair. I just let it be naturally. To be fair, I had given up caring on a lot of things. I constantly had bags under my eyes. My skin was pale and my lips were always getting chewed on as a nervous habit. My nails were short because otherwise I would bite them, and my socks were always mismatched. My sense of style was called 'whatevers in the laundry bin and still looks clean' and my hobbies included not getting enough sleep, overthinking everything, and suffering from anxiety attacks over vitally important things like where are the keys to my truck? And oh god, I'm going to be late to the first day of my new school.
"Because they are!" Jessica squealed, inducing a vice like grip on my forearm in what I guessed was the typical girl way of expressing joy. I peeled her fingers off right away because I preferred blood flow. Thanks. "I can't wait for you to meet them. I'll point them out to you during lunch."
I lifted my lips up in a pained smile because lunch was next and this girl was now practically dragging me to the cafeteria, a place teeming with loud voices and unfamiliar faces.
I just wanted to eat my lunch in the bathroom alone. Was that too much to ask for? Yet, I allowed myself to get dragged over because I supposed I owed this place at least one chance before I decided fuck it, and ate in the bathroom for the rest of the year to avoid annoying people.
The cafeteria was big and not bad looking, and I was steered in the direction of one table, Jessica making a beeline for it, even smacking one guy's tray out of his hand in her mad dash to get to it.
"Hey!" he exclaimed angrily but she ignored him and all I did was shrug in apology to him. She sat us down at a table with what seemed to be her friends. "Everyone, this is Bella. She's new here."
She introduced me to them and I raised my hand in greeting. "This is Eric, Angela, and Lauren," Jessica went down the list, before she grabbed my chin and directed it to look elsewhere. "And that over there," she said, whispering reverently, "are the Cullens." She said this like she was introducing some world class celebrity and I will admit, that for a couple of seconds my eyes grew wide, an invisible breeze seemed to blow my hair back, and a soft focus light fell on me while jazzy music played in the background.
Jessica had not been over exaggerating their hotness.
They looked like gods.
My eyes fell on Edward first since he was the closest peripherally. He had a strongly chiseled chin and low brooding eyebrows set over dark shadows that covered his eyes. His skin was pale, almost whiter than mine, with a tinge of sadness to it. He looked like he was constantly in pain given his facial expression and the way his actions were somber and stilted. His hair was dark and twisted up, sharp blades that carved into the air. Resting on his head was a pair of expensive headphones, black like every inch of his clothing, even his painted nails. He was bobbing his head up and down in time to it as he ate his meal with closed eyes, though when he felt me staring at him, he looked, eyes a dark black that seemed to almost consume his whites.
And the gaze felt so empty, like I was looking into the broken shell of a man. I shivered, unsettled by his gaze, and moved my eyes over to someone else.
Jasper was next, and while his figure was slim like Edward's, almost dare I say the both of them having bodies of Greek Gods, he was taller. His hair was curled and golden, almost like a halo around his head. And his eyes were brighter, like liquid gold almost in nature. Everything about his form was so slim. His fingers, his nose, his chin and neck. And he wore colorful clothing, like a rainbow had pissed all over him. Even his nails were colored like a rainbow and it showed that he took good care of himself. His actions were careful, controlled, but flowy at the same time.
Sitting next to him was the biggest out of the bunch: Emmett. He looked to solely exist of muscles. And his language was loud, exaggerated movements, riotous laughter, and happiness suffusing every inch of his body along with a sort of aggressive masculinity. His head was shaved close, only dark brown stubble remaining on it, while stubble inched around his face. One brow had a strip of hair cut down the middle, giving him a sort of wild energetic look. It didn't help that his clothing was really tight and revealing. A tank top wife beater and cargo shorts, boots on his feet, and a dog tag collar around his neck. It looked like he was the kind of guy who ate half a dozen eggs for breakfast before bench pressing his grandmother.
My eyes danced over to Alice next, the smallest of the bunch. She too was cheery and exhumed exuberance. She could barely sit still in her chair and was always reaching for one thing or another, or laughing or smiling. She had a pixie cut and her black hair complimented her tan features really well. She looked like she had just come from the middle of a vacation somewhere really nice, and she looked like she would smell of sea and sand and lotion. Her green eyes sparkled and her clothes looked very relaxed and vacation-y. A Hawaiian shirt over khaki shorts and a bucket hat on her head. All she was missing was the camera around the neck and she would be the picture of an annoying tourist. Yet on her it looked cute and not bothersome.
Lastly, was Rosalie. She sat stiff as a board at the table, arms crossed over her chest and frown etched upon her gorgeous face, like it was a permanent fixture there. Her hair was pale blonde, like the life had been leeched out of it, and her skin was really pale too, though her lips were red and stood out vividly against her face, as did her blue eyes, as cold as chips of ice, but mesmerizing.
She was dressed very warmly, in a thick white sweater with a high neck, tight black pants and winter boots, even though it was only September, and dangling from her ears were sharp icicle themed earrings. I wondered how she didn't stab herself in the neck with them like twenty times a day each time she turned her head.
They all seemed so different fashion wise, looks wise, and personality wise. How had they become family?
"They're adopted, by a rich doctor and wife," Jessica hisses into my ear conveniently.
My wonder at them quickly evaporated as I shrouded myself in an I don't care attitude. There was no point in obsessing over them. They were just another group of rich kids with eccentric tastes. Though I had to give it to them, they all gave off this powerful vibe. Like they were better than us. More powerful than us, and I was inclined to believe them.
I decided my sandwich was worth more attention and I attended to it when Jessica let go of my chin. "So, what do you think? Amazing right? They're just so," and here she squealed again, not even letting me answer in the negative. To my dismay I found the rest of her friends nodding along.
"I am the Cullen expert. I write columns on them for the newspaper," she said proudly, sticking her head up like she was donating to charities or making a difference world wide. I rolled my eyes at her, which she didn't notice because she was already staring at the Cullens table with a pair of binoculars that she had pulled out of nowhere. "Anything there is know about them, I know. Anything new to find out, and I find out." That didn't sound stalkerish at all, Jessica.
"Jess's column is the most popular one. It even sells out in supermarkets all over Forks." Eric supplied.
"You can't be serious." Why the hell is this town obsessed with these rich kids? Do the people living here have nothing better to do?
I want to go back to Arizona right away. Where normal weird people lived.
I sigh. I can tell this school year is going to be terrible already.
And things get weirder after lunch. For some reason the Cullens are staring at me. That's right.
Me.
Boring old Bella.
Which is weird and a milestone because they never do that- never pay attention to anyone who lies outside of their family clique. Jessica scribbles it down into her journalistic notebook with vigor. "OMG, this is a scoop. A real scOOP, I tell you," she gushes.
"Don't tell me. Please," I deadpan at her during our shared English class. Alice is in it, vibrating with energy and not being discreet at all as she stares. She doesn't sit next to anyone who could distract her from me, and so I hunch up my back and flip my hood on in hopes of ignoring her. Or of becoming less visible to her sea foam green eyes.
That doesn't work so well when I am forced to take the only empty seat in my next class which just so happens to be next to Edward. He's got his headphones on. It must be his untouchable rich kid status that allows him to wear them when no one else can cause I would get in so much trouble for that. His staring is more uncomfortable. He looks on at me like a zombie looks at brains. With dead unblinking eyes, heavy breaths, and mouth gaping open.
I slide my seat to the edge of my desk and stay there, praying for the clock to hurry the fuck up and ring the end of the school day.
"A scoop!" I can hear Jessica say excitedly to herself where she has no doubt from the back of her class, seen mine and Edward's interactions. I want to throw my book at her to shut her up, but knowing my lack of coordination, I'd probably only hit myself.
I bolt out of the classroom when I am done with class, and go around the back of the school, so I can avoid Jessica looking for me, and so she can't get the details on how Edward stared at me all period long. Heart racing once I leave the school and am by the dumpster, I let out a sigh and bend over to catch my breath. The most exercise I've gotten these past three years is jumping in and out of my tall ass bed, and running down those stairs without tripping had been a lot.
When I finally catch my breath, I look up to see that somehow, the Cullens have quietly appeared in front of me, each with a concerned look on their face, except for Alice. My back goes against the door and I feel trapped like a mouse when I realize the door is no longer there but Emmett's abs of steel under his wife beater are and I look up into his menacing eyes and gulp before lowering my eyes onto the Cullens in front of me.
"So uh, you need something?" I ask. Something about this stinks already and no, it's not because of the dumpsters.
"So, you're her," Alice says with a bit of wow to her voice. Her eyes get all big and dreamy and she turns to Rosalie who only frowns harder and comes off colder than before. "This is it. Your big moment!"
"I want a refund. She's terrible looking, a mess, and I already know she listens to Fleetwood Mac," she scowled judgmentally.
"Hey!" I raised a finger. "Fleetwood Mac is great," I said with great offense and then with less, added, "and yea, I'm a mess. But I embrace that."
Rosalie closed her eyes like she was in pain. "I seriously cannot believe this. This is so fucked up."
I had no clue what she was whining about, but I wanted to go home.
"Alright, if that's all, I'm leaving." I clapped my hands in a 'that's done' motion and tried to edge away.
Emmett's strong hands on my shoulders stopped me. And damn were they huge. Did he work out each individual finger too? They were as thick as sausages.
"No. You're not leaving yet. We need to talk to you about something important," Jasper said and I was a bit taken aback by his voice. It was so...stereotypically gay. Wow. Did not expect that though suddenly his low cut shirt showing off his upper pectorals made a bit more sense. And so did the booty shorts. Could he get any more stereotypical?
"You're coming with us," Edward added, his voice dry as a bone and raspy like a smoker. He could use some cough drops. Like a whole pack.
"I don't think so," I said, trying to come off as more brave than I felt.
"You don't have a choice," Alice cheerily informed. "Because what we need to tell you, affects you, the future of your life, and of this entire world."
Emmett pushes me towards their shared car, not giving me much choice on the matter.
And as they smuggle me into their car, all I can think about is Jessica's damned voice in my head going at my situation, "this is a scoop!"