Chapter 18.
I felt Bella's unease grow as I struggled with how to tell her about Edward. I didn't want to scare her, but I needed her to understand that this was her reality.
"Bella, my brother didn't switch classes because of an internship. You were right when you mentioned that you thought he was looking at you strangely on your first day. Alice had a vision. Now, it's rare, but sometimes a vampire can come across a human whose scent calls to them a lot stronger than others . . ." I paused and gave her an apologetic look as I watched realization spread across her face.
"So . . . what you're saying is, that my scent is stronger to Edward?" she asked, her fear increasing.
"Edward hasn't actually came in contact with your scent. It was a bit of a last minute vision for Alice, she almost hadn't caught it, because she wasn't looking for it. It wasn't based on decision. She and Edward left so that he could avoid you. I offered to switch classes with him so that he doesn't have to leave town until the school year is over."
"What was the vision?" she asked, her heart rate increasing. I had to tell her the truth.
"He would have killed you Bella." I felt her fear, anger, and anxiety.
"Why didn't you tell me this sooner? There's a vampire out there who wants to kill me?" I felt like I was screwing this up.
"Bella, Edward doesn't want to kill you. That's why he willingly left with Alice when she had the vision. He can read her mind, so he can see her visions. He was disgusted by himself. None of us want to hurt humans, but this is an example of why getting involved with me and stepping into my world is a risk. I won't blame you if you want me to stay away."
"No!" she yelped. "I'm sorry Jasper. I don't want you to stay away, this is just a lot." She rubbed her forehead like she was getting a headache.
"I'm trying my best not to sugar coat any of this, but I also don't want you to panic. Edward has promised me that he would stay away from you. He knows what you mean to me and despite this whole mess, he is my brother. I've known him for over fifty years. Besides Carlisle, he has the best control out of all of us." I gave her a small reassuring smile. "Brother or not though, I won't let him hurt you. I would die protecting you Bella."
She looked into my eyes and we both started to get lost. The sound of heavy rain filled the silence and the thunder rolled on, but it was farther away now. Bella slowly reached up and placed her hand on my cheek. The room buzzed with our special energy. I closed my eyes and let the warmth of her touch soothe me. I reached up and held my hand over hers and carefully turned my face to kiss her hand, gently. She stopped breathing, I could feel longing from her as she glanced at my lips. I wanted to kiss her, but I thought better of it as I realized I needed to swallow a mouth full of venom. Then I was suddenly hit with a thick wave of her embarrassment. I let her hand go and she let it fall back into her lap.
"So you really aren't afraid of me?" I asked her after a moment.
"No. I mean, I'm afraid in general, afraid because I know that vampires exist. It makes me wonder what else is out there. Also, it terrifies me that I'm like vampire crack to your brother." I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my throat. Bella grinned at me and chuckled herself. "But I'm not afraid of you. It's like, since we met, I just knew that I could trust you. It feels like I've known you forever, like our souls know each other, but our minds don't. Does that make sense?" I smiled at her.
"It makes a lot of sense Bella. Look, now that we've got most of the big revelations out of the way, can we just try to let our minds catch up to our souls? I want to know all of you, like what kind of food you like and what your favorite color is. What music you listen to when you're happy, or sad. The small stuff." I watched a tear fall down her cheek as a smile spread across her face. I could feel her love and appreciation. Love. This incredible girl loved me.
"I want to know you too Jasper. It sounds like I have my work cut out for me though, you've been alive for so long. Like, since before cars were even invented. You must know so much history, I want to see it through your eyes." She smiled. I knew I should be thrilled by Bella's words, but the thought of sharing my past was terrifying.
"Bella, before we move forward, I need to say something. I'll do my best to always be honest with you. I want to open up to you, but there are some things about my past that aren't pretty. My change and the first several decades of my life as a vampire were traumatic. It causes me pain to think about, I can remember the emotions so vividly. I don't really even talk about it with my family, they've only gotten bits and pieces over the years. So, I just need you to be patient with me. I may not always be ready to answer every question you have at first, but we can work on it."
"Well, like you said, we can take some time for the small stuff." She was thoughtful for a moment. "What's your favorite type of food. Like, what kind of animal tastes best?" she asked, grinning. I thought about it and compared the tastes for a moment.
"They all taste like shit, but I guess I like bobcats the best, though really I just go for what's convenient ." She let out a theatrical gasp and covered her throat in mock horror, I smiled and rolled my eyes, we both laughed.
"Do you ever eat human food?" she asked.
"Not for fun. I ate an apple the other day, it was disgusting. I've only ate human food a handful of times since I've been a vampire. We can't digest it, it needs expelled, choked up. Kind of like vomiting but much more unpleasant. The longer the food stays in, the more nauseous we start to feel."
"So why did you eat it then?"
"I was having issues with my control. I thought if I ate the apple I could trick my system and I'd feel so sick for the afternoon that I wouldn't be craving blood."
"Did that really work?"
"I didn't really get to test the theory, Alice said it might, but then I saw you, it was your first day. Minutes before I noticed you, I was unraveling. I'd caught a random girls scent, she got too close, and I hadn't hunted in a while. That's when I ate the apple. Then I saw you and I was stunned. When you looked at me and we shared that first glimpse of that energy between us, I just had the urge to leave and hunt. We normally only hunt once every week or two, but I've hunted every day since to keep my thirst under control around you."
"So yesterday, when you smelled me, what was that really about?"
"I was testing myself. That's why I froze when you hugged me at first, I was nervous. I don't usually get that close to humans, and I already have to fight to control myself most of the time. I'm terrified of hurting you, but even though my instincts are there, it's almost like the instinct to protect you is greater, and I can fight back the uncomfortable stuff."
"What kind of instincts?" I felt her curiosity.
"The beat of your heart, the flush of your cheeks, your scent, it all triggers my predatory instincts. My throat begins to burn with thirst, venom floods my mouth, I have to swallow it back. It's all a trigger in my brain that tells me you're food. The strange thing is, despite the fact that my instincts are doing all of that, I've never once thought about what it would be like to taste your blood."
"I guess it's a good thing I don't smell as good to you as I would to Edward."
"It's more than just a good thing, it's a hell of a blessing. Otherwise, I don't know if this would be possible. It's already an uphill battle."
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable." She pulled her bottom lip up into her teeth. I felt her guilt and grinned at her selflessness.
"Staying away from you would make me far more uncomfortable than being near you does." She blushed and looked down shyly. I noticed that the rain had stopped and looked over to the window. It was still cloudy for now, but I needed to keep an eye on it. Bella followed my gaze to the window.
"Oh thank god, I hate the rain. That storm was making me nervous."
"I've always loved the rain, even when I was a human. I loved the smell, I still do." A fuzzy memory from my childhood came to mind. I decided to share it with Bella.
"My human memories are faint, but when I was a child, at the first sign of a storm, I'd go lay in this field near our house. I'd count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder. My father had taught me to divide the number of seconds by five in order to find out how many miles away the lightning is. It was one of my favorite things to do." She was thoughtful for a moment.
"Well, maybe you could show me sometime. It might make me feel better if I could track how close it was."
"Deal." I said, giving her a smile. We were silent for a moment, but it wasn't uncomfortable. Bella's face was thoughtful and after a moment, I felt her curiosity and a bit of amusement.
"So I have another question. It's obviously day time . . . Aren't you supposed to be confined to some coffin until dusk or something?" She chuckled and raised and eyebrow.
"There are a lot of myths that aren't really true Bella, but I can't go in the direct sunlight around humans, there is a strange phenomenon that would tell people I'm different. Forks is perfect for that reason, it's usually cloudy or raining. That's the real reason I wasn't at school yesterday. Though, keeping you company was much better anyway." I winked at her and watched as her cheeks turned rosy and her heart rate picked up. She cleared her throat and looked away for a moment to steady herself.
"So what happens if you go in the sun?" she asked after a moment. I got up and walked over to the window that over looked the backyard. I took a moment to consider if I was ready to demonstrate. The sunlight made my scars more visible. The sun was peaking through the clouds just enough that there was a small stream of direct sunlight coming through the window. I motioned for Bella to come over to me. I pushed the curtain open to allow more light in and I held my hand out so that she could see the light reflecting off of it. She grabbed it and studied it with amazement. Small rainbows bounced off my skin and reflected around the room. Bella gasped.
"You're sparkling." She said looking up at me. "It's beautiful. You're beautiful." She pushed my sleeve up a bit to show more of my skin. It revealed dozens of scars on my wrist, I winced. In my mind, I looked like Frankenstein's monster. I practically was if you thought about how many times my limbs had been torn off my body and reattached. I was anything but beautiful, I was hideous. I felt her curiosity as she discovered them. She squinted and tried to study them closer. They were nearly invisible to human eye, but the sunlight made them a lot more noticeable. I was feeling incredibly exposed and vulnerable. She traced her fingers along the raised edges and bite marks. I was waiting for her to become repulsed, disgusted. How could she not be?
"See, I'm not perfect or beautiful at all Bella. Those are only a few of them." I took off my jacket and set it on the floor carefully. I took a deep breath and pulled the sleeve of my shirt up to my elbow revealing dozens of other scars. It was nothing compared to the hundreds of them that covered my entire body. She looked at me with sadness and I felt her worry, but underneath it, I could still feel her love. She wasn't disgusted at all. It made my own feelings for her grow.
"Jasper, what happened to you?" Her eyes were wide and beginning to gloss with tears. Suddenly, I heard a car pulling up outside. I pulled my sleeve back down and closed the curtain.
"Bella, I have to go, I think your fathers home." I threw my jacket back on, pulled up the hood and headed for the back door. She stumbled after me. I could feel her disappointment, and a twinge of panic as she looked back towards the front of the house where her father was parking his cruiser.
"Will you come back tonight and um, help me sleep?" I heard the car door shut out front and quickly touched my lips to her forehead. As I opened the back door, I could hear her father coming up the walkway out front.
"You never have to ask again." I smiled and sent her a flicker of my feelings for her before shoving my hands in my pockets, tucking my head down and disappearing into the woods.