Chapter 49

Ana

I'm awakened slowly, unwillingly, because I'm really warm and comfortable. The blanket has slipped down around my waist, but the two arms wrapped around me are doing the job just fine. How the hell am I this comfortable on a couch?

I peek up at the sleeping figure I'm laying on. I can't resist stretching upwards a bit and planting a kiss on the underside of his jaw, which turns into a path down his neck, his shoulder, his chest… I know he's awake when one hand roams lazily up to my cheek so he can redirect my mouth up to his.

"Hi," he whispers.

"Hello. Nice to see you again." I kiss him one more time, morning breath be damned.

He suggestively pokes his morning wood into my belly. "You should probably stop that, or we might have to test how easy it is to jump someone on a couch."

I laugh. "Fine. I'll be good." I brush his hair off of his forehead. "How are you? Okay?"

He smiles sleepily and leans into my touch. "At the moment, more than okay." I smile back. "I'm glad I came here," he adds seriously.

"Me too." I rest my head back down on his shoulder. "I didn't know if you'd listen to them. And if you did, I didn't know if you'd… well, I didn't know how things would go after that."

"Are you surprised that I came to you?"

"Yes," I admit. "Pleasantly. We need to be there for each other, though. Not just for the good things. And I know I've made that mistake, too."

He kisses my hair. "We're both a work in progress, baby. I think… I think I understand you better now. To get such an unfiltered look into what was going on during that time for you… I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it, but knowing the depth of your feeling makes me feel… closer to you. As awful as it was to know that you felt like that, I'm honored that you chose to confide in me."

My heart swells. Whatever I thought he would get out of it, this feels like the best case scenario. I glance up at him. "I'm honored that you let me talk you down from that war inside your head. I just wanted you to know me. If we're going to do this, you should know the things that no one else gets to. Hiding things from you in the past got us nowhere good, and… I can't do that anymore. I want to be with someone who sees the real me, and you deserve that, too. Both of us, we couldn't continue like we were. I want to know every part of you, the good, the bad, the ugly. That should be how this works." He holds me tighter, almost too tight. I start laughing just to get some air. "Whoa. What was that for?"

He shrugs. "I feel hopeful. For us. And I love you," he adds. "I can't do that anymore, either. Look where not talking got us. That's no way to have a lifelong relationship, and that's exactly what I want with you. Please look at me as the person who's there for you no matter what, Ana. I might not always get it exactly right, but that's all I want. To be your safe space."

"You won't get it right every time. And I won't either. But… I already feel like there's a deeper level of trust between us than I expected for this point. I do feel like I could talk to you, and I want to. We're on a good path right now."

"We are," he murmurs contentedly.

I snuggle closer into his side. "I love you, too, by the way." God. Maybe there is a way out of this.

We lay there in companionable silence for a while, until a shrill voice pierces through the silence. "Mommy! Are you awake? Mommy?"

Uh oh. "I think we're about to be busted," I whisper. I feel Christian chuckle beneath me.

Teddy runs into the room and gasps when he sees us. "Daddy? Did you come over to give Mommy a hug?"

We both laugh. "Yes, I thought Mommy could use a hug."

"Can I have one too?"

"Get over here, you little rascal!" He squeals and jumps onto us.

Phoebe shortly joins us to investigate the noise and a bona fide cuddle pile ensues. We enjoy a little quality family time until stomachs start to growl, and much like their parents, our children do not tolerate being hungry well, so we head to the kitchen for breakfast.

Gail is flipping pancakes and her eyebrows almost hit her hairline when Christian walks in with us. "Mr. Grey. What a pleasure to see you this morning."

"Likewise, Gail," he says with amusement.

"Is your morning still the same, Ana?" she asks.

"I assume." We take seats at the breakfast bar, and I feel Christian's curious gaze on me. "Ezra is coming for a meeting at ten. We have some things to figure out."

He cocks an eyebrow. "Things?"

I sigh. "You can come to the meeting. It's easier than explaining now." And I might want a witness.

He looks unsatisfied with this answer, so I lean over and kiss his cheek to lighten the mood. His grumpy expression softens instantly, and I catch Gail smiling out of the corner of my eye.

After breakfast, I head upstairs to get myself and the kids ready so they can spend some time over at the Taylor residence while I get a little work done, and Christian has a bag with clothes, toiletries, and his laptop courtesy of Taylor. It strikes me as odd that he had to pack a bag to come to his own house. But it's not his house really, is it? You kicked him out.

I feel more and more conflicted about our living situation every day. But the dominant part of me still feels like it's too soon to be making a step like moving back in. We're doing well, but it hasn't been that long, and the ground doesn't feel solid enough. I don't want to confuse our kids. Fine. Sleep alone. It's your funeral. And your cobweb-covered vagina.

While I'm in the bathroom doing my makeup, my phone buzzes and it's Kate calling. "Hey. Aren't you at work?"

"Yeah. I'm afraid this isn't a social call."

Her tone is ominous and it cools my blood. "Go on."

"I have to warn you that something is about to leak. Your mom's charges were just made public and there's going to be a story."

My chest immediately feels heavy. I've been so focused on just trying to move forward that I all but forgot about her. "I see."

"Do you want details?"

"Not really."

"Okay." She's silent for a moment. "I'm so sorry, Ana. You don't deserve any of this shit. Do you want me to tell Christian?"

"No. He's here right now. I will." I note that she's offering to include him into the conversation, though. Progress.

"Oh. So, things are going well?"

"Yes."

"I'm really glad." She sounds genuine. "Anyway, I'd recommend a distraction. Anything you do will be bigger news than what she does. Do you have anything coming up? A music video, show dates?"

"Maybe a handful of show dates. Maybe." The topic of what is next keeps coming up in therapy, and I've realized that I've never really had an audience of established fans. Every time I've performed, it's felt like there's been something to prove. I've never had that pure audience connection that I wanted initially. What if I want that? A few shows here and there doesn't sound bad. I might even enjoy it. "I'm talking about it with Ezra today, and obviously I have to talk to Christian, too."

"A tour?" she asks, a little too enthusiastically.

"No." Hell, no. "I absolutely cannot commit to a tour. That's not happening. Do you have anything else?"

"Just that I love you and I'll do anything I can to help you with this bullshit."

I sigh. "I know. I love you, too. I'll keep you updated."

I hang up and sink to the bathroom floor, immediately hitting another contact on my phone. Miraculously, she answers. "Ana, good morning."

"Hi, Catherine. Do you have a second?"

"I'm just in between patients, so I have a few minutes. What's going on?"

I take a steadying breath. "My mom's charges are being made public and there's going to be a story."

She pauses. "I see. Tell me what's going on for you."

"I… I don't know. I'm more annoyed about it than anything. My life is so much calmer without her, but now I feel like it's being dragged up again. It just makes me feel… tired. I want to move on."

"So, what do you feel like you need right now? What would make you feel like you are moving on?"

"Just living my life and not letting her affect how I feel."

"Well, we've talked about next steps. So, tell me, what do you want to feel right now?"

"I just… I want to feel free. Like I can be myself and try new things and… a big fuck you to everyone who didn't believe in me or who thinks my mother's actions reflect on me would be nice, too."

She laughs. "Let's see. I'd say a number one album is a big fuck you. Or how about some sold-out shows?"

"I haven't committed to shows," I hedge.

"No, but it keeps coming back up in our discussions. There are things you don't like about the album release process, but performing and audience connection intrigued you from the beginning. You made a point in saying you haven't really experienced that yet."

Fuck, I hate it when she's right. "I haven't talked to Christian about it, but Ezra and I have a meeting really soon and I asked him to come. So, he'll be in on the discussion then. At the end of the day, my family is more important than this whim I have."

"Why do you have to choose?"

"I'm not saying that I do."

"Well, that's just it, isn't it? You're undecided because you want to consult a loved one. So, why do you sound like you're already talking yourself out of it?"

"I think it's going to freak him out," I admit. "Fuck, he works so much less now because he's working on us. And he's been really worried about my safety lately, and we're in a really good place together. Do I want to risk messing that up?"

"Do you want to risk bottling up how you feel and putting your own desires last? Haven't you said that that's unsustainable?"

I sigh heavily. "I feel… selfish."

"You feel selfish for wanting to discuss a possible step in your career with your husband? These might be dangerous waters, Ana. You've expressed that openness was severely lacking previously in your relationship."

I get up off the floor and start pacing. "I know… okay, I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him. That's all I can do."

I can almost hear her smirk. "Call if you need me again. I'll get back to you whenever I'm able."

I exit the bathroom and go downstairs to find Teddy and Phoebe in the living room with Christian, who's on the couch focusing intently on his computer. I kneel down to give my little loves hugs and kisses for the road. The road that is just across the lawn, but hey, they're always kissable. "I love you. I'll be over in a couple hours. Be good, okay?"

"I know, Mommy. Love you! Bye, Daddy!" Teddy calls, already running for the door.

"Bye, Mommy. Bye, Daddy. Love you." Phoebe giggles as Gail leads her by the hand out of the room.

Christian looks up at me and immediately furrows his brow. "What's wrong?" He slams the laptop shut. "Is it about last night? I know that—"

"No!" I interrupt. "It's not at all about last night. I loved it, I loved that you came to me, I loved that we could talk about this and be so open with each other, and I slept great. Why do you immediately jump to thinking that I must not have wanted to be with you?"

His eyes widen in surprise, and he smiles sheepishly. "I guess maybe I need time to adjust, too." I sit down next to him and pull his lips down to mine, feeling them curl into a smile as I do, but the moment is interrupted by a clearing throat.

Ezra is leaning against the doorframe. "Lovebirds. Am I interrupting something?"

"Yes," Christian grumbles.

"Kind of," I giggle. "Okay, let's get this over with. Office."

Ezra leans against my desk while Christian and I sit together on the sofa. "I assume you know what this is about," Ezra starts.

"Yep."

"Beth is hounding me, yes, but I also think it would be good for you. As an artist and as a human."

"What are we talking about?" Christian says impatiently.

"We're talking about Ana doing a limited number of west coast shows since she's definitely not doing a full tour."

We're not touching, but it's like I can feel him tense anyway. "More exposure means more risk," he says tightly.

"Venues for artists of Ana's caliber are well-controlled. Security, metal detectors, the works. She really wouldn't be in any more danger than she ever is just by leaving the house. Plus, giving fans a chance to see her in person might make them less likely to approach her with such gusto."

"Where on the west coast? How many?" he presses.

"I have to tell you something. Both of you," I interject. They turn to me and wait. "Kate called me this morning and informed me that a story about Carla's arrest, and the details of it, is about to break."

They both stare at me in stunned silence, then Christian is suddenly kneeling in front of me and taking my hands. "Jesus, Ana…"

"She said that distraction would be good. I've considered doing a couple of shows anyway, but as it is… now might be a good time to announce some." I turn my gaze down to Christian. "Please tell me what will make you the most comfortable with it if I decide to do this. Plus, we have the kids to think about."

"Wait, back up," Ezra says. "Are you okay, Ana?"

I glance between both of their concerned stares and sigh. "Yes. I'm happy in my life without her. Obviously, it's not ideal that it's all about to become public, but it's not my mess, it's hers. I just want to get on with my life and not think about it too much. Shows might be a good distraction until I figure out what's next beyond this."

Christian sighs and puts his head down, resting it on my lap. "When are they? And where?"

"Tentatively, in a couple of weeks. Seattle, Santa Clara, Pasadena."

"Stadiums with over 50,000 occupancy," Ezra explains "And since she's not touring, people might want to travel to see her."

He looks torn, and I don't want him to feel like he's on the spot. "Ezra, can we talk about this alone for a second?" I request.

"Of course. I'll be in the kitchen raiding your pantry if you need me." He smirks.

"Go ahead," I laugh. He closes the door behind him, and I tilt Christian's head up to look at me. "Talk to me."

He sighs. "It makes me nervous to think of you… that exposed."

"I know. But Ezra is right about security. And you're welcome to come if you want, but I understand that you might not be able to go to the ones in California." I can see indecision in his eyes. "Listen. If it makes you that uncomfortable, I don't need this. Do I want to try it at least once? Yes. But I don't need it."

He searches my gaze for several moments, then sighs. "We're looking at a company around LA anyway. Maybe I could kill two birds with one stone."

"You mean…?"

"You think I wouldn't go?" he asks incredulously.

Instead of answering him, I throw my arms around him, toppling us both onto the floor. "Are you sure?" I ask urgently.

He sits us both up and pulls me onto his lap. "I want to know everything about security. Everything. But if you want this… I want you to go for it."

"Of course I can give you that. But you really mean it? You're okay with it?"

"Would it make you not do it if I wasn't?"

"Not completely, if I was really determined… but your opinion matters to me. You matter to me. And I'm really not trying to do anything that makes you unnecessarily stressed out."

"Just necessarily stressed out?" he says with a wry smile.

I giggle. "Yes. I wouldn't know who you were if you weren't at least a little stressed out, Mr. Overthinker."

He shakes his head in amusement and tucks a strand of hair behind my ears. "We could make it another family trip," he says thoughtfully. "Just the four of us this time."

I get to have my babies with me! "I'd love that. But between you and me, I think Mia might be invited." I gesture to the door that Ezra just exited from with my head.

He grimaces. "I really don't need to think about that."

"Fair enough." I kiss the tip of his nose. "Do you have to do some work today? You can do whatever you were doing before I interrupted you and we can talk about the details later. I'll have a lot more information tonight."

"I'll see you tonight?"

"If you want to. You can just stay here today. I'll keep the kids out of your hair."

"If I stay here with all of you, I'll get nothing done. Maybe I'll go into the office today. I could use a real catch-up, and it'll keep them on their toes if I show up unannounced," he says mischievously.

"I like the way you think, Mr. Grey."

We get up off the floor, Christian goes to collect his things, and, true to his word, Ezra is in the kitchen stuffing his face. "Oh," he says with his mouth full when he sees me. "Did you talk?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"We need to call Beth."

A slow smile creeps across his face as my words sink in. "Brilliant."

It really could be.

A/N: Ana's committed to not doing too much, but she's interested in doing a live show or two. How do you think this is going to go? How do you think that communication between them is going?

Sneak peek for next time: couples therapy and family time.