Chapter 50
Christian
"Good evening, Dr. Hughes. I appreciate your flexibility with the location change."
He steps out of the elevator and into the foyer at Escala, taking in the apartment with a slightly glazed look. "No problem, Christian. And please, it's Eric."
"Eric," I amend. "Ana isn't here yet. Would you like a drink?"
"Water would be lovely."
It's been about a week since Ana announced show dates, and as expected, the news of Carla's treachery paled in comparison. Taylor received a report of all the security measures in place for each venue, and even he's satisfied. So, the first show in here in town, then we'll all be off to California.
Ironically, I've just been asked today to speak at an environmental conference being held at the same time that we'll already be in LA. It's last minute because Ros was planning to go, but now that I'm back in the office, she's content to stay home. They want a general presentation on GEH's green initiatives and how smaller companies can incorporate some of the changes we've made. It's on the day after Ana's last show, so there's no scheduling conflict.
I haven't raised the subject with her yet, but I'm hoping to soon. Lately, most of the time we spend together is with the children. Ana's evenings are taken up by rehearsals so she can spend more time during the day with them, so when I see her and the kids, which is almost every evening, she usually seems a little more subdued than usual. Then when they go to bed, Gail comes over and she's back to work for a few hours.
She definitely seems out of sorts, but I assume that she would tell me if it was anything more than her just being tired, so I'm trying to let it go. Trying being the operative word there. I'm trying to have some trust.
"This might be a good opportunity to check in with you, Christian," Eric interrupts my stewing. "It seems that a lot of the worries you had in our individual session have begun to be addressed by now. You were concerned that Ana would continue to hide her feelings from you, that your self-loathing would sabotage your future together. How are you feeling now?"
I smile unconsciously. "Ana is much more communicative now. She said herself recently that we can't just share the good things if we're going to last. I think I've made it clear that she can share whatever she wants to with me, not just what she thinks I want to hear. Our discussions now are deeper than they've been in a long time, maybe ever.
"As for my… negativity… it's still something I deal with, but Ana can talk me down from it and remind me that… she loves me. And she forgives me. And I know she's not lying. It's just hard to hear sometimes."
"Many of us, to some degree, see ourselves as unworthy of the love we receive. But that doesn't mean our perceptions of ourselves are the truth." He smiles. "The difference between the two people who first walked into my office and the two people I get the pleasure of counseling now is like night and day. Forgive me for being frank, but I think that you have a bond that would be difficult to break, regardless of the status of your marriage."
Before I can answer, I hear the elevator open. I'm standing in an area that's visible from the foyer, while Eric is at the other side of the island, out of sight. As such, Ana is probably unaware that he's here when she bounds forward and jumps on me, wrapping her legs around my waist and kissing me passionately.
I match her fervor, therapist onlooker completely forgotten, catching her easily.
She pulls away and looks down at me with flushed cheeks and fevered eyes. "Ugh. I wanted to do that all day. I missed you." She leans down to kiss me again, when her eyes flicker up and her cheeks go from pleasantly pink to burning red. "Eric! You're here. Already."
He chuckles. "Hello, Ana."
She scrambles down from me and adjusts her shirt. "I, um… I…"
"Kissing your husband requires no explanation, Ana. No harm done."
"I thought we could talk in the great room. Please, after you, Eric." I gesture for him to go forward and as he does, I pull Ana back against my chest. "I missed you, too," I breathe in her ear. She giggles and playfully pushes me off.
We again sit side by side, holding hands, while Eric sits across from us. "Well, Ana, Christian, you two seem to be in good spirits. Tell me how things are going with your goals. Quality time, communication? Ana?"
"I'm really happy with how we've been doing. We see each other a lot, almost every day, and we do more things together with our kids. It's been a second since we had some time with just the two of us because we're both really busy right now, but I know things will calm down soon."
"Well, that sounds like quality time is going well. Christian, can you comment on communication?"
"I think we've been making great progress. We seem to be on the same page about how open we want to be with one another, and our talks have always been productive lately, even the heavier ones. We haven't even used the pause button yet," I report with pride.
"This is wonderful news." He flips through his notes. "There's something I wanted to revisit at some point when things were in a less emotionally charged place. May I broach a new subject?" Ana and I glance at each other, then both nod. "Both of you have expressed similar feelings of unworthiness of the other in different times. For Ana, it was in the beginning of the relationship when she was under the impression that you were quote, unquote, trapped into staying with her and the baby. For Christian, that was a major catalyzing factor from the aftermath of his PTSD, and some from realizing how out of the loop he was on your feelings, Ana. And yet in witnessing you today, you seem at ease with each other. I'd like to hear each of you discuss where you are with that now. Ana, could we start with you?"
She looks down at her lap, brow furrowed, and I think she's thinking. I squeeze her hand, hoping it will encourage her. "I think that for a long time, I internalized the assumption that you only came back to me and Teddy because you had to. Because I got kidnapped. I always said I forgave you for your reaction, because I understood where it came from and I understood that your feelings had changed, but when I actually think about it… I was still holding onto it and using it to talk myself out of opening up to you. Is that really forgiveness? There are a lot of reasons why I kept everything to myself, but I hardly gave you any more chances for redemption, and I think that was unfair to you and it didn't allow our relationship to grow. What I can say now is that every time I've been more open with you lately, even if I'm nervous about it and it's out of my comfort zone, you redeem yourself every time. So… I feel that you're choosing me. I believe that you want me and our family and I feel that from you every day."
She strokes the back of my hand with her thumb and looks up at me. There's nothing clouding the sincerity in her eyes. "I do," I affirm quietly.
"Thank you, Ana. Christian?"
I take a long breath first, pondering how to articulate this. "It's hard for me to believe that you know me better than anyone and you're still here. But at the same time, it makes me think that maybe there is something about me that could be worthy of you, if you keep choosing me. I never knew that you still had similar thoughts, and in hindsight, I understand much better why you weren't opening up to me. I just have hope that now that all of this is in the open, we can move forward without history repeating itself. And while I won't say that I feel worthy of you just yet… I know that you love me and that you're in this, too."
She nods with conviction. "I am."
"So, what I'm hearing from both of you is that those past actions that ended up making you hurt each other are starting to fade in significance. We can learn from them, but we're not dwelling on them. Does that sound accurate?"
He turns to Ana first. "For me, absolutely."
And then me. "Yes. I'm focused on moving forward."
"Well, that's an excellent mindset to have. The Christian and Ana I see before me today have heaps of potential. The Christian and Ana of the past are just that, in the past. What matters is what's here in front of us." He claps his hands together. "Now that we got the heavy out of the way for today, is there anything you'd like to catch me up on since the last session?"
I look at Ana before speaking, and she smiles encouragingly. "When we were in Lake Tahoe, Ana gave me all of her unreleased songs to listen to at some point. She warned me that they would be painful, but that they were a very authentic part of her, so much so that she didn't want anyone else to hear them. I listened, and I think it led to a very significant moment between us."
"Oh? Ana?"
"I knew that it was likely that he would struggle with a lot of guilt if he listened to them, if he chose to do that, so I told him ahead of time to come to me and ask me anything he needs to about them. He did exactly that, and we had one of the most open discussions we've ever had. I feel like it was a turning point for us, honestly. Ever since then, everything just feels like… we can do this."
"I have to admit, I had wondered what kind of effects Ana's career had on your relationship, given the personal nature of the material."
She shrugs. "It's not as personal as it seems. There's speculation about it, but the people who actually matter know the truth. He can ask me anything about it, and he does."
Eric raises an eyebrow at me, indicating for me to respond. "I worry more about her safety as a celebrity than what people think the songs are about."
"And how do you feel that aspect is affecting your relationship?" he asks me.
I sigh. "It's a concern. It always will be. But we're able to talk about it." And I can't rationally keep her in a gilded cage.
"I understand his concerns. After these upcoming shows, I don't know if I'll ever do anything like that again. I'd like to have music and writing in my life somehow, but I also miss a lot of things about publishing, so I haven't totally figured it out yet."
This is news to me. "Are you not happy with how things are now?" I murmur.
"I'm… happy on some level. But putting the show together is… a lot. Even though I'm only doing three. Writing is what made me the happiest. The rest of it is more of a task."
"Is that why you've seemed so down in the dumps?" I brush her cheek with my thumb, just to have more contact between us.
Her cheeks pink a bit. "You noticed?" I nod. "Probably. I mean, I'm a little disillusioned. I feel like I should be happy that everything is going so well, but maybe this just isn't what fulfills me. I'm glad I'm trying something new, but I'll also be glad when it's over."
"That's an astute self-analysis, Ana. It's okay if it takes some time to figure out what you want and it's helpful to both you and your relationship in the long run to be so attuned to what you want. And it's wonderful that you two are talking about it."
"Yeah. It is," I agree. We look at each other, small, triumphant grins on our faces, and we seem to both forget that we're not alone.
Eric clears his throat loudly. Oops. Sorry, doc. "Okay, you two. I'll see you next session," he says good-naturedly.
"We need more pillows, Daddy!"
"Yes, sir, coming right up."
Teddy decided that our post-dinner activity today had to be a building a massive fort that's taking up a decent chunk of our living room. He's shouting orders like a drill sergeant and Ana and I are just cogs in the machine.
I hand him more pillows and he disappears behind the sheets. After several moments, I'm wondering if I should go investigate. "Okay. It's ready. Come in, Daddy. MOMMY!"
Ana has escaped to the kitchen under the guise of making trail mix for the fort. And I thought we were partners, baby.
"Coming!" She comes back in holding a bowl and kisses me on the cheek. "After you, my darling."
"Don't 'darling' me, you mutinous wench," I whisper.
She gasps theatrically. "Fuck off, darling," she whispers.
I crawl into the fort with Ana hot on my heels. Teddy has laid out pillows for everyone to sit on and Phoebe is already perched on hers like the little princess that she is.
Ana puts the bowl of trail mix in the middle. "Sit next to Daddy, Mommy," Teddy directs.
She stealthily rolls her eyes. "Okay, sweetie. You did a really good job with this place." She plops down on the pillow next to me and I take her hand. You're not really a wench, darling.
"I know," he says, prompting a giggle from Ana. "We needed a fort for secret activities."
"What kind of secret activities?" I ask.
"I have a question," he announces after several handfuls of trail mix. "This is the question fort."
"Oh, okay. Go for it," Ana says patiently.
"Are you and Daddy famous?"
Oh, shit. Ana and I exchange a glance. "Do you know what that means?" she asks.
"No. But my friend said you're famous. Are you?"
"Famous means that a lot of people know who you are, even if you've never met them," I explain. "So, yes, Mommy and I are famous because a lot of people know us."
"Why are you famous?" he presses. Phoebe could not care less about this conversation, distracted by a picture book she's flipping through.
Ana sighs. "Well… you know how Daddy has a big building downtown?" He nods. "Daddy owns a very big business, and it does very well, so a lot of people want to know things about him because he's successful. And when Daddy and I got married, people started to care about me, too."
"So, you're famous because you're with Daddy, and Daddy is famous because he has a building?"
She laughs. "Kind of. People also know me for other reasons."
"Like what?"
"You know how sometimes I sing for you before you go to sleep?" He nods with a huge smile. "Sometimes I sing for other people, too. I sing for you when I'm with you, but I recorded some other songs so that other people can listen to me even when I'm not with them."
"Oh," he says, pursing his lips in thought. "But my songs are more special, right?"
"Your songs are the most special. What do you think of us being famous?"
He thinks for a moment. "It's fine, I guess. As long as those people don't live with us."
"They won't," I chuckle.
"What do you think of going on a trip sometime soon where you can see what I do?" Ana asks.
His eyes light up. "That would be fun. Is there a stage?"
"Yes. You can check it out if you want."
"Are we going soon?"
"Sometime next week."
"Okay," he says with satisfaction. "Fifi, do you have any questions?"
Phoebe looks up from her book and tosses it aside. "Is there a baby?"
Ana's hand immediately clenches down on mine like a venus fly trap and it's all I can do to keep my jaw from unhinging. "Why do you ask that?" I say in what I think is a calm voice, but honestly, I don't know.
"My friend said his parents are getting him a baby and I wanted to know if we were getting one, too. And I told Fifi and she said she wants one," Teddy explains.
Ana laughs nervously. "We already got you a baby. Phoebe used to be a baby."
"So, there isn't one in your belly?"
"No, honey."
"Belly?" Phoebe asks.
"My friend's mommy's belly is really big right now and he said that's the baby. But I guess Mommy's doesn't look like that," he says thoughtfully.
"Do you want a baby?" I ask him. I feel Ana's gaze flicker over to me for a second, but then she focuses back on Teddy.
He shrugs. "Maybe."
"You can always play with your friend's new baby," Ana interjects.
"So, we're not getting one?" he asks, looking right at her.
"No, love. You and Phoebe are our babies. There aren't any more coming." Wait, what? Now, or ever?
Before I can further question Ana's fairly decisive statement, Teddy fires off a new question, this time directed at me. The rest of them are more innocuous than the first two, and we continue like this until it's time for bed.
We've gone back to tag-teaming most nights, so I take Teddy and she takes Phoebe. Even through the onslaught of questions we endured tonight, my mind keeps returning to Ana's reaction to the baby question. Why did she seem like she wanted to bolt out of the tent?
"Goodnight, Daddy," Teddy says as I tuck him in. "Are you going to live here again soon?"
I kiss his forehead. "I hope so."
"I'll ask Mommy if you can," he whispers conspiratorially.
I laugh. "Okay, buddy. Sweet dreams. I love you."
"Love you," he says through a yawn.
I find Ana on the couch downstairs in pajamas, which strikes me as odd, because she's usually ready to head to a rehearsal by now. "Aren't you going?"
She looks up from her phone and smiles. "No. Night off." She pats the cushion next to her. "That was quite an activity, huh?"
"The Mini-Grey Inquisition," I laugh.I suddenly remember the conference. It's been a few days, and we haven't discussed it yet. "I have to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"There's a conference on environmentalism in business being held in LA next week. I've been asked to speak."
"Next week?"
"The day after your last one."
"Oh." Her expression relaxes. "Can I go watch you? Or is it just for businesspeople?"
"You want to come?"
"Of course. You're coming to my thing and supporting me, I want to support you."
"You'd have to stay an extra day."
"Okay? My schedule is wide open, especially for you."
I throw an arm around her shoulders and kiss her. "Mrs. Grey, I think this communication thing looks good on us."
"I couldn't agree more."
I had some things nagging at my brain from tonight that I wanted to discuss, but then her lips are on mine again, and all earlier concerns evaporate. At least for now.
A/N: I've noticed that sometimes reviewers call out other reviewers' comments and defend me or something, and I just want to say that a lot of times the original review isn't offensive. I'm really fine with someone telling me they didn't like something a character did or a direction I went. I've read so many books and stories where a character drove me fucking insane or I didn't like an arc and I still liked the story. If it's presented respectfully, which the vast majority of them are, please just respect others' opinions. It's just a story, it ain't that serious :)
Anyway, I know some readers don't like when I talk about her music, which is fine, but I'll just say that I think it's useful for Ana to fully explore this and figure out where it fits into her life going forward. There's a reason and it's all going somewhere.
So, more couples therapy, checking in on old issues, and then uh oh! Teddy's talking about babies! Do you think Ana's reaction was significant? Christian sure forgot about it pretty quickly.