Nice, France

"Oh… Pam's father-in-law, he had a heart attack and he didn't make it…"

The sentence had been short, her father summarising the newspaper article as he pulled his croissant apart, but it had come as a shock.

"Jock Ewing? That poor family."

Katherine knew of him through her connections to Dallas and the Ewing family, making the news feel very personal, even when it wasn't intended to be.

The American newspaper arrived once a week, the stories likely out-of-date by the time it got to them, but this one felt fresh.

"Excuse me."

Not caring whether her quick departure was awkward and suspicious, she left the table, escaping to her bedroom just in time.

Feeling her breathing get heavier and her vision blurrier, the warm tears that filled her eyes and spilled over down her face were no surprise. She'd never met Jock Ewing, she'd never had reason to and never wanted to, but now confronted with the reality that she never would, that her baby would never meet his or her paternal grandfather, she was full of regrets.

Bobby and JR had lost their father, a man she'd gathered from conversations with each of them that they both deeply admired and loved and she truly felt for them in their loss. She only needed to think about her own father to empathise with how they must be feeling; she adored her father and she couldn't bear to think about losing him.

Considering her father, all the wonderful memories they had together and the unspoken understanding they shared with each other, it was conversations they'd had in recent weeks that sat at the forefront of her mind, and tears dampening her pillow, the guilt and regret of her past was heightened when she felt a now very familiar movement. Her father was perhaps the most important person in her life at present and she was about to deprive her son or daughter of the opportunity to share in a similar relationship.

No one but her knew who had fathered the baby she was carrying, not even Bobby himself. It was how it had to be if any of them wanted a peaceful life going forward, she knew that, but she felt awful keeping the secret from him. He didn't deserve to be kept in the dark but to tell the truth would be far too complicated for either of them to find peace with now.

He'd been married to her sister, losing her and his tiny premature son in tragic circumstances just months into marriage, and for it to be known that just months later again he'd entered into a similar situation with her would be disreputable. An interaction between them that was anything more than platonic wouldn't be looked at by anyone as acceptable, it was a scandal waiting to happen and scandal was not something either of them needed now or ever. To go with that, she couldn't disrupt his marriage, he'd only just managed to find happiness after losing Pam and he didn't deserve to have that ruined for him. On her end too, she didn't wish to be tied to motherhood at the point in her life she was at. She liked Bobby a lot and had she been older she might have liked to be his wife, but right now, all she wanted was to start college and feel normal again.

She'd chosen adoption after her first appointment with Doctor Davis, her condition one she'd rather keep hidden from everyone she knew and who knew of her. Adoption felt right, her baby would get the life they deserved and she'd get the fresh start she wanted, but that didn't mean she didn't have doubts. Bobby hadn't had a say in the decision and would never be able to say hello and goodbye like she would. Their son or daughter wouldn't know either of their biological parents, that was something that had to happen but she went back and forth on whether it was fair.

She'd loved her childhood and wanted only the best for her baby, she couldn't imagine Bobby would feel any differently, but adoption meant she didn't get a say after the paperwork was signed. She could have all the best intentions in the world and her son or daughter could end up with someone like Digger Barnes in their life, someone who presented just fine initially but whose true colours were revealed later on.

She liked to feel in control, she liked to make her own decisions, unfortunately though, her own decisions had led her to where she was now. The lively creature rolling around and kicking as if they were trying to escape was just as much Bobby's as it was hers, but the process in which he or she had gotten there was a little more her doing than his. He could have stayed faithful to his late wife or at least been more careful when he'd decided to move ahead, but he hadn't; equally, she could have stayed home, she could have told him who she was, or at least she could have been insistent about his carefulness, but she hadn't. When they'd first met she'd had more information than he had, leading her to believe that she bore more responsibility than he did.

He'd been mortified to learn who she was when he had later on and she could only imagine his reaction to seeing her now, almost twenty pounds heavier with a growing abdomen that could no longer be hidden by a flowy dress. He couldn't know, she couldn't handle the stress of him knowing, so she wouldn't tell him.

She had plans to keep well away from Texas for the next few months; she wouldn't even return to pack for college herself, she couldn't risk anyone seeing her and guessing the situation she'd been in before her return. A neighbour, a friend, Cliff, Bobby, or JR, no one could know. Not even Alice knew. Her best friend could keep a secret, but the less she knew about everything the less she could tell if put under stress by a curious person later on. Eventually she'd tell her, when the dust had settled, when she was emotionally and physical healed, but not yet.

She'd been so hard on her mother for leaving her children, but she often wondered whether she was any better. Would she come face-to-face with her grown offspring later in life? Or would she lose them before she could know them? Like her mother had Pam. She didn't know, and the thoughts kept her up at night.

Her hand connecting with the tiny outline of a hand, elbow, or perhaps a foot, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing. She was making the right decision, but it was perhaps the most difficult decision she'd ever had to make.

To be continued…