I know the last one was heavy. And this will continue to play out. But I promise they'll find their happiness again. Thank you for all the kind words and support. And to all the Momma's out there who messages me their stories, you are inspiring.

Two days later, Olivia woke up in bed. The same place she had been for days. Her body still ached but not as bad as her heart. She knew she needed to go back to work. Needed to interact with her kids. But it all felt so heavy. So hard. Slowly, she sat up and scooted towards the side of the bed. When her feet touched the floor, she heard the door creak open. Expecting to see Elliot, she lifted her head and froze.

It wasn't Elliot. It was Richie and Lizzie watching her anxiously. Waiting.

Taking a deep breath she whispered, "Hi." Neither of them moved but she smiled, "You can come in."

The twins shared a nervous look before walking into the room together. Lizzie stood behind her brother and Olivia hated to think they were afraid of her. Richie approached the bed and paused just a foot away from her, "Hi Mom."

Olivia rubbed the back of her neck, "Morning."

Lizzie stepped closer, "It's almost lunch time."

Olivia cringed and looked over at the clock, "Oh. It's…" turning back to them she frowned, "Why aren't you at school?"

"It's Saturday." Richie whispered softly.

"Oh." It was all a blur, what day had it been when…she shook the thought from her mind, "Where's your Dad?"

"He's downstairs with Noah. Grandma took Maureen and Kathleen to the grocery store." Lizzie was watching her nervously.

"Alright. Well…" Lifting herself off the bed, she swayed slightly and tried to get her bearings, "I will...be down." They looked at her skeptically, "Soon. I promise. I think I just want to take a quick shower. Okay?"

The twins nodded slowly. Content for the moment, she went to walk past them. But she froze. When she peaked at them again, they still looked worried. Slowly, very slowly, she opened her arms. They crossed over to her and hugged her. The pain in her chest ignited again but she tried to push it down. This loss would remain with her. But she still had 5 breathing, beautiful children who needed her. She had to find her way back to them. She had promised she would.

Leaning forward, she dropped a kiss on each of their heads, "I love you both."

"We love you too Mommy." Lizzie replied.

As they pulled away, Olivia watched them go. She knew they didn't know. They had agreed to not say anything. But they were old enough to sense something had happened. With a heavy sigh, she walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on. The room began to fill with steam. Leaning against the sink, she lifted her eyes to the mirror. Her eyes were sunken, her skin pale. They told her to expect that. Slowly she stripped off her clothes. An old shirt of Elliot's and a pair of his sweatpants. Kicking them aside, she climbed into the shower and hissed when the water hit her skin. It was hot, but maybe the heat would wash away the pain…

Downstairs, Elliot was on autopilot. He had just finished feeding Noah. But the young boy was becoming restless, clearly needing his Mother. The two of them had hidden away for as long as they could. But now it was time to face the music.

Richie walked back into the kitchen, "Mom said she would he down soon."

Elliot looked down at his son, "She did?"

Lizzie followed her brother, "She's taking a shower."

Elliot cleared his throat and looked around the disheveled kitchen, "Uh...okay."

Lizzie looked around, "I'll help you clean Daddy."

"I'll take Scout out and then come help." Richie replied, walking past him.

Elliot felt his heart flip flop. At almost 7 years old, these two were growing up so fast. They had been his babies. And now...taking a deep breath he smiled. "Thanks guys."

He moved around the kitchen trying to clear the mess. His Mom had been a huge help but it had been hectic. He knew that. A little while later Noah was beginning to fuss again and he tried to reach out to him as he juggled dirty plates in his hand. But he was failing and he knew it. As he dumped the plates in the sink, he turned to get Noah but suddenly she was there. He watched her pick up their son and cradle him in her arms, "Shh...it's okay baby. You're okay."

His eyes locked with hers for a moment. They were both thinking the same thing. And it hurt. She gave him a quick nod and then kissed Noah's head, "I've got him covered."

He gave her a questioning look but she just shook her head. He looked around the kitchen, "I'm sorry-"

"Don't be." She smiled softly as she rocked Noah, "Looks like you have great helpers anyway."

Richie came back in with Scout, "He's all set for awhile. I picked up after him too."

Elliot smiled proudly at his son, "Thanks buddy. I appreciate it. Can you help your sister clear the counters? I'll do the dishes."

"Sure thing." Richie smiled at his Mom and got to work.

Before turning back to the sink, Elliot waited and watched her. She sensed it. Walking to him, she placed one hand on his chest, balanced Noah in her other arm and leaned up to kiss him. When she pulled away, he pushed her wet hair off her face and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. He heard her sigh before stepping back. The small smile she offered gave him some comfort as she walked towards the living room with Noah.

Maybe...just maybe they would be okay.

An hour later, Lizzie and Richie were watching a show. Olivia was sitting with Noah as he nuzzled against her. Her eyes were on the screen but Elliot could tell she wasn't that invested in what was happening. Sitting down beside her, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She offered him a small smile and then looked down at Noah again.

"What did you tell Cragen?" She whispered, not wanting the kids to overhear.

Elliot cleared his throat anxiously, "Just that we had a personal matter to deal with. He didn't pry and he won't."

Olivia nodded slowly, but began to chew on her lip thinking about what lay ahead of them, "Others will."

"Well it's none of their damn business." He growled defensively, "We don't owe anyone an explanation."

She turned to him and smiled sadly, "Go back to work tomorrow." She saw him start to protest, "El...go back to work tomorrow. I'll take one more day and then-"

He turned towards her, "Come with me."

Together, they walked back towards the kitchen, away from the twins. Elliot carefully extracted Noah from her arms and placed him in his swing. Then he turned all his attention and focused on his wife, "El…"

"Just...hear me out." He put his hand up and sighed, "I know we have to go back. I know. But can you honestly tell me that if we catch a case about a child...or a baby…a pregnant Mother…" He saw her cringe and turn away from him, "I'm not trying to hurt you."

"I know you're not. And I also know what you're saying is…" Running a hand through her damp hair she took a deep breath and let it go. She heard the way it rattled in her chest, "But what are we supposed to do? I'm not quitting. I won't…"

"I know." He stepped closer to her again. "But...just think about it. Okay?"

Glancing up at him she whispered sadly, "They'll know…"

Sighing, he reached for her and gently pulled her into his arms, "Liv."

"I feel like it's written all over my face. That I couldn't...that I didn't protect-"

He pulled her flush against his chest to silence her, "Honey, this wasn't because of anything you did or didn't do. It just happened...it wasn't meant to be. Not right now. It doesn't mean we won't...have another someday."

Clinging to his shirt she said the thing that was haunting her most, "I don't know if I could handle this again El. I thought it was painful not getting pregnant...but this? It feels like someone ripped my heart out. It feels like I'm empty inside." A gentle sob erupted in her chest, "I am...it's...it's just gone. How can it just be gone?"

He wrapped his arms around her tightly, he was afraid to hurt her but he also needed to make her understand, "It's...I don't know Olivia. I don't know. But I just...I need you to understand this isn't your fault. Okay? Please know that. Please."

She nuzzled further into his embrace, relishing in his warmth and solid body. "O-Okay."

He continued to hold her, alternating between dropping gentle kisses to the crown of her head and whispering words of comfort. He swayed them slightly, the small movement giving them both something to focus on. Her fingers slipped up under the hem of his shirt and pressed into his back. Sighing, she rested against him, so damn thankful that he was her partner. That he understood her. That he felt the same way she did. Enduring this alone wouldn't have been possible. She knew that. She pulled away slightly, just to look at him. "I love you."

He smiled softly, cradled her face in his hands and kissed her lips, "I love you too. So much."

The front door opened and she pulled away, not wanting the girls to see her crying. He caught their gaze, both of them looked surprised to see Olivia out of bed. They didn't know what was going on, but he knew they were smart enough to know whatever it was was bad. He wasn't sure if they would ever be able to not tell them. But for now, it didn't need to be said. He heard Olivia talking to Noah to distract herself. Walking towards them, he reached out for the grocery bags and smiled, "Hey."

Kathleen walked past him and Maureen waited, "Dad?"

He smiled but shook his head, "Not now Mo. Okay?"

Maureen smiled softly, understanding that he wasn't trying to push her away. That he wasn't trying to hide anything but that he just wasn't ready. She squeezed his arm and walked into the kitchen. Kathleen and Olivia were talking softly to each other about nothing in particular. Bernie walked in with a few bags and smiled at Olivia. "Is anyone hungry? I can make some sandwiches." Bernie said.

"Thanks Mom." Elliot said, "I'll help you."

Olivia smiled and shook her head, "I'm okay. But thanks. I think I'll take Noah up and change him."

Elliot glanced at his Mother as Olivia scooped up Noah out of his swing. She had barely eaten in the last few days and Elliot was worried. He didn't want to push her, but he knew that the only way for her to heal was to start taking care of herself. Glancing anxiously at his Mother again, she seemed to read his mind. "I'll be back in a minute."

He gave her a grateful smile and started to unpack the groceries with the girls.

Upstairs, Olivia settled Noah down on his changing table. She checked to make sure he was settled and safe. She went through the motions of changing him like she had so often before. And all the while, she tried to push back the other thoughts. Sensing she wasn't alone, she waited. Bernie sat down in the rocking chair but was quiet. Olivia continued her task and Noah cooed up at her all the while. This sweet baby boy brought the first real smile to her face in days. When she was done, she leaned down and kissed his nose, "I love you sweet boy."

Bernie took a deep breath, "You should try and eat something."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and held him against her chest, "I'm just...not super hungry."

"I know. But...you need to try. For your health...for the kids. For Elliot." She whispered.

Noah's eyes began to flutter shut, she knew it was getting close to his afternoon nap. Gently, she leaned forward and placed him down in the crib. She watched him for a moment, then turned back to look at Bernie. They stared at each other for a moment, neither one of them knew qute what to say. Olivia rolled her neck back and forth and squeezed the crib railing behind her, "Did you ever…"

"No…" Bernie said, "I...I didn't. I wish I could tell you...or say something-"

Olivia shook her head and smiled sadly, "No. No I'd never wish this on anyone Bernie. Never."

The older woman stood slowly and walked towards her, reaching out, she put a hand on her shoulder, "Talk to me."

Olivia lifted her eyes to her, "I just...feel so empty inside. And yet in my head I keep thinking...it was barely a spec. Barely…" She turned away as her eyes burned, "God that sounds awful but...but it shouldn't hurt this much. Right? I wasn't...I wasn't far along. I should just be okay."

"Oh sweetheart…" She turned her face slowly towards her, "Of course you shouldn't be just okay. No matter how far along you were or not...it was a piece of you. Something, someone you wanted. Your love for that being started the moment your Doctor told you the news. No one would expect you to not feel sad...to not be devastated."

Olivia felt her knees shake, "It's all just a blur...I was talking to Casey. And something just felt strange...wrong. And I just...I saw blood and I knew. God Bernie I knew and I wanted to scream. I wanted to just stop time and make it rewind. But there was nothing I could do...there was no stopping it."

"No. There wasn't. I haven't experienced it myself...but I was with a friend once when it did happen. And sweetheart, oh I'm so sorry. I can't imagine that pain. Just witnessing it made me ache for her. I wish I could take this from you. Carry it for you."

Olivia stared at the older woman for a moment and whispered, "I was lying there in the hospital before Elliot got there...and I kept thinking...I just want my Mom." She shrugged sadly, "I don't even know if she would have cared. Or if she would have...but I just felt like I needed her.'

Bernie leaned in closer, "I may not be your Mother. But I can be the next best thing. I love you as if you were my daughter. The way you have changed the lives of my grandchildren, and my son. Olivia...I am here. For anything and everything you need. Lean on me. Lean on Elliot. We'll get you through this."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat, "He's hurting too."

"He is." Bernie agreed as she brushed back her hair, "But he also knows that at the end of the day...it's different for both of you. You're the one that physically went through it."

"What if...what if he resents me someday?" She whispered, "What if he blames me? What if I can't have another child?"

"Let's take this one day at a time, okay? You don't know that you won't be able to have another child. But you shouldn't jump into it. Your body needs to heal first. And so does your heart. As far as my son...he will NEVER blame you. He will NEVER resent you. You are his wife and the woman he loves. He's right beside you every step of the way."

Leaning forward, she felt Bernie wrap her arms around her, "I'm just so fucking sad."

Bernie pressed her lips to her head, "I know. I know you are sweetheart. Let yourself feel it. It's the only way to heal."

They stood together in the room embracing. Just one mother holding another and letting it all go.

That evening, Olivia had crawled back into bed, feeling completely drained. She had eaten a few bites of dinner but had lost her appetite. She had fallen asleep for a few minutes but then sensed she wasn't alone anymore. Opening her eyes, she saw that there were four lumps in her bed. Bracing herself, she sat up slowly and saw four pairs of eyes anxiously watching her. They all looked sad.

Olivia took a breath, "Hi."

"Daddy told us to leave you alone…" Lizzie whispered, "But...But…"

Olivia shook her head and put her arms out, "Come here."

Lizzie and Kathleen crawled up beside her and settled in at her sides. Maureen held onto Richie at her feet. Elliot opened the bedroom door, they all heard him sigh. Olivia looked up at him and smiled, "It's okay. El...we have too...I mean maybe we should…"

She saw him struggling from his place by the door. She knew this was going to be the hardest conversation of all. Could they explain this? Should they explain this? The kids, especially the twins, were young. But they could also understand that something was wrong. It was clear. And lying felt wrong. Elliot walked further into the room and stood by the bed, watching the five of them trying to decide. His eyes looked up to Olivia and she reached her hand out to him. The lump formed in his throat, but he took her outstretched hand and sat down knowing that there was really no way around this.

"Are...are one of you sick?" Richie asked anxiously, "Like, really sick?"

Elliot looked over at his son and shook his head, "No buddy. We're not...we're not sick."

"Is Noah sick?" Kathleen asked, "Or Grandma?"

"No…" Elliot shook his head, "It's not...about anyone that...you…" He paused and cleared his throat, "I uh...I don't know how to explain this."

Olivia took a steadying breath, "Um...so you guys know how I had Noah?"

Maureen sat up a little straighter, "Mom…"

Olivia smiled, thinking Maureen out of all of them could probably already guess what she was going to say next, "I uh...I found out a few days ago I was going to have another baby."

"Just like Noah?" Richie asked curiously.

Olivia looked down, feeling the tears burn her eyes, Elliot took a deep breath, "It could have been yeah but…" He pulled Richie closer to him, needing to feel his son close, "Sometimes, sometimes things happen. And...and well the baby…"

"You're not pregnant anymore." Maureen whispered softly, "You...you lost the baby."

Lizzie frowned at her sister, "Lost? What do you mean lost? Is it hiding somewhere?"

Olivia tilted her head back and she stared hard at the ceiling, trying desperately not to cry but she knew it was useless, "No...no it's not…not hiding."

Elliot's breath shuddered in his chest, "Sometimes the baby...is sick. Or just...not ready. And it doesn't grow...and it can't...can't survive."

The four kids were quiet for a moment, Richie was the first to speak, "So...the baby is...the baby...died?"

Lizzie turned her head and curled into Olivia's side. Kathleen gasped and Maureen reached out to hold Olivia's hand. Olivia looked at Elliot, unable to put into words what she needed to say. Elliot wiped a hand over his face and then squeezed Richie's arm, "Yeah buddy...the baby…"

"Oh Mom…" Maureen whispered sadly, "I...are you...are you okay?"

Olivia fidgeted slightly and then looked at her oldest child, "I'm...I'm sad honey. I'm just...really sad."

The kids were quiet as they let the news sink in. Elliot and Olivia waited, letting the children process what was being said. Elliot stole glances at his wife, he saw that she wasn't crying but might soon. Instead, she was watching the kids, always looking out for them. And God he loved her for that. Even in her hardest, darkest moment, she put them first.

"Daddy?" Lizzie asked softly, he turned towards her and waited, "Will...will it go to heaven?"

Olivia ducked her chin against her chest, not wanting anyone to see her face. Elliot's heart squeezed in his chest. Reaching out, he brushed Lizzie's curls away, "I know it will baby. I know it will."

Kathleen held her Mom closer, "Is...is it okay if we're sad too? Even though...we didn't know them…"

"Of course." Olivia whispered, "It's always okay to be sad."

Maureen moved up on the bed and lay her head in Olivia's lap. She threaded her fingers through her hair and Richie curled against his Dad. The four six of them had endured a lot. They would endure more in their lives. But no matter what, they would do it together. Elliot sat there with his wife and four of his children and while he felt grateful for their presence, he mourned the loss of what could have been too, and he knew they all would.

After the kids were asleep in their own beds, Elliot checked in with his Mom to see if she could stay again. She agreed and was going to keep an eye on things while Elliot took Olivia out. Walking into their room, he saw her sitting up on the bed, a book in her lap. Walking over to her, he sat down and reached out for the book. She gave him a questioning look before he took the it away. Waiting, he reached for her hand and squeezed it, "I wanted...I wanted to know…"

His voice was low, and she heard the pain there, "El...you can ask me anything."

Taking a deep breath, he whispered, "Will you go somewhere with me?"

Sitting up, she reached a hand out to touch his face, "Where?"

He sighed, bowing his head, afraid to utter the word out loud because he thought it would scare her, "Just...do you trust me?"

She saw the pain. Saw the fear. Saw that he was worried to push her. But he too was grieving . He too needed to express that grief but he always put her first. He needed to know she trusted him. Lifting his head, she pressed her lips to his in a gentle kiss, "With my life."

Nodding slowly, he stood up and held out his hand, "Come with me."

She watched him carefully, trying to read his expression. He looked sad and worried. Taking his hand, she let him pull her off the bed. Wherever he was taking her, it meant something to him. And despite how she was feeling, she wanted to do anything and everything to ensure that he was able to heal too.

Twenty minutes later, they pulled up in front of Elliot's church. She wasn't all that surprised to see where they were. But it didn't quiet the anxiety in her chest. Looking over at him, she saw him watching her, waiting. "If you tell me you don't want to...or you aren't comfortable. I'll understand and I won't push you." He saw her swallow hard, "I just...felt the need to come here. And I didn't want to go alone. I also thought...maybe it would be good for both of us. But it's okay if it's too much…I won't be mad or hurt."

Religion had always been...complicated for her. It was hard to believe in a God when you saw so many terrible things happen everyday. When you were the product of one of those terrible things. And now...what kind of God would take away a child...she pushed the thought away. To her husband, this man who loved her more than anything, was asking her to trust him. Asking her to grieve with him in the way that made the most sense to him. In the way he needed. She had been to church with him and the kids on Holidays and on extra days when she could. But part of her had always kept a little distance and Elliot respected that. And for that she was grateful.

But it felt like they were at a crossroads. This was a pain she hadn't expected. A loss she wasn't prepared for. And maybe...just maybe tonight this was the way to start healing. Especially if it meant that they could do it together. Slowly, she turned back to him and took a deep breath, "Let's go."

Elliot let out a shaky breath and she knew he had expected her to turn him down. To ask him to take her home. She squeezed his hand and waited for him to take the first move. When he reached for the door handle, she reached for her own. When they met in the front of the car, Elliot stuck out his hand and she slipped hers into his. It was a cool September night but she felt warm beside him. Walking towards the tall steps to the church, they moved in stride together. The door was open slightly despite the fact that it was late. Father O'Connor was standing just inside and smiled at them both, "Welcome."

Olivia looked over at Elliot, "I called and asked if we could…"

She nodded slowly, accepting the response. Her cheeks burned and she followed Elliot towards the main part of the church. It was quiet. Very quiet. The only lights were filled by the candles up front. Father O'Connor walked behind them and Olivia waited to see what would happen next. Elliot put his hand out when they got to the front pew and waited for her to walk in first. She slipped into the pew and stood there, unsure of what to do. Elliot stepped into the aisle behind her and pulled out the kneeler. He bent and then put his hand out to her. Settling in beside him, she slipped her hand into his again.

Elliot took a shaky breath as he watched Father O'Connor beginning to light another candle, "He's lighting a candle for…"

She squeezed his hand, not needing him to finish his sentence, "El…"

"I know that...all of this is not...that you don't." He shook his head, "And that's okay. I understand it. And believe me when I say I struggle with my beliefs too. Especially with all we see...but I hold onto it so that I can know the lost souls we can't save have somewhere to go. Somewhere to...rest." He saw the light flicker for their child, "I have to believe that our child...isn't lost Olivia. Isn't just...I have to believe that he or she is in heaven. And that someday...someday...we'll meet them and understand."

Olivia watched the candle flicker in front of her, a light that represented all that she had lost. The idea of meeting her child someday. Even years from now, that was comforting. Even amongst the sadness, it made her feel...hope.

Slowly, she turned to him and took a steadying breath, "I'd like to believe that too."

Elliot studied her face in the light of the candles as a slow hymn rang through the church. There had to be a God if he could bring her to him. Back then in his darkness, in his sadness, there was her. And even now, there was still her. He could endure anything if she was beside him. Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to Olivia's forehead, "Thank you for coming here with me."

She slipped her arm into his, and leaned against his shoulder as they looked forward to the candle again. "Thank you for asking me to come. I think I needed this too…"

Two days later, they walked into the precinct hand in hand. It wasn't often that they showed PDA but today neither of them cared. They had spent most of the night talking, discussing what they would do at work, how they would handle it. They both agreed to set boundaries, and to talk to each other if anything felt like too much. Stepping into the squad room, they were grateful when no one turned to them. They figured that their friends could understand that whatever it was that had kept them away was personal. As much as they drove each other crazy, there was also a level of respect that they would never push.

Olivia gave him a small smile before moving to her own desk. He watched her go but waited until she was seated before he too sat down. Fin glanced at Olivia, gave her a meaningful look and she smiled, nodding slowly as she pulled off her coat. The four friends and coworkers settled into their paperwork, not wanting to break the tension. Not sure of what to say or if they should say anything at all. It went that way for a good twenty minutes before Cragen walked into the main room. He looked at Elliot, then at Olivia. "We have a female vic at Mercy. Early teens. Her parents took her in after she told them she was assaulted by their neighbor. Whose up?"

Everyone waited, and Elliot spoke first, "We'll go."

Olivia let out a little breath, it was so like her husband to know she wasn't quite ready yet. Cragen nodded slowly, "Okay. Fin and Olivia...do you want to meet Casey down at the tombs? She has some questions."

Elliot froze as he stood up from his desk. Casey. He turned to his wife, she looked at him and smiled letting him know it was okay. "Yeah. We'll go."

The four of them stood up, grabbed their things and started to walk towards the elevator. "So how bout them Yankees?" John asked in the elevator.

Fin rolled his eyes, "Man...shut up."

The doors opened and the four of them walked together to the front of the building. They stopped and looked at the two cars parked. John walked to one car, and Fin walked to the other. Elliot and Olivia stood there together. Olivia broke the silence with a little smile, "Looks like you got Squad Car number five again…"

Elliot turned to her, his lips turned up in a little smirk, "It is my favorite."

Glancing around to see if anyone was watching, she smiled and realized she didn't really care. Leaning in, she pressed a kiss to his cheek, "I'll see you later?"

Elliot slipped her hand into his, lifted it to his lips and kissed her palm, "Later."

She pulled away after giving him another smile and he watched her climb into the car with Fin. He waited until they pulled away before he turned to his own car and settled in beside Munch. John looked at him, "Ready?"

Elliot was grateful he didn't ask if he was okay. Maybe he wasn't such a bad partner after all, "Ready."

Casey didn't flinch when she saw Olivia, didn't make it appear that she wasn't expecting her. But her demeanor was much different than it had been days before, something that didn't go unnoticed by Fin. Casey had walked behind them to check in with a Parol Officer.

Fin leaned into his partner, "She's turned a corner, huh?" Olivia looked at him expectantly, "She's just...backed off a bit."

Olivia took a breath and nodded "Oh. Yeah." She could feel Fin still watching her and she smiled, "I'm...fine."

Fin raised an eyebrow and sighed, "I know that's a damn lie. But you don't need to tell me anything. But I am here...if you need me."

Olivia smiled and squeezed his arm, "Thanks Fin. I appreciate that."

Casey walked up to them and sighed, "I got nothing. I need to run down to the clerk's office. Can one of you come with me? Sometimes they work a little harder when I have a cop at my side."

Olivia nodded, "I'll go." She turned to Fin, "See you back at the house?

Fin nodded, "Sure. Call if you guys need anything. See you later."

The three of them separated, Casey and Olivia walked towards a different door to get into Casey's car. They were quiet as they started to drive away. Stopping at a light, Casey turned to Olivia, "I wasn't sure if I should call or…"

Olivia shook her head, "No. Thanks...it was better that you didn't."

Casey turned back to the road as the light turned green again, "Olivia…"

Her heart started pounding in her chest, "Can you uh...pull over for a second?"

Casey looked at her quickly, then nodded before pulling her car to the side of the road. Putting it in park,s he waited for Olivia to make the first move, "We don't have too…"

"I just wanted to say thank you. For sitting with me...for waiting for Elliot to come. For calling him. For...staying even after he was there. I know we don't know each other that well. That we're just starting to try and...figure each other out." She bit her lip and looked at her, "But it meant a lot."

Casey swallowed hard, "Of course. No one should have to go through that alone." She paused, "How are you doing?"

Olivia looked at him and sighed, "It's just...a lot. But I'm dealing. We're dealing. As best we can, I suppose? I don't know...right now I'm okay. In an hour I could be a mess. Tomorrow I could crash? I'm told there is no way to know."

Casey nodded slowly, "Before we found out about Charlie's diagnosis...I...I had…" Her lip trembled, "I just know what you're going through. And there is no way to know. No way at all. It doesn't ever go away...but it does get easier."

Reaching across the car console, she put her hand on her arm, "Casey, I'm so sorry."

Casey put her hand over hers and smiled sadly, "Me too Olivia. Me too."

That night, Elliot and Olivia pulled up out front after a long day. They had worked past dinner and they knew the kids were more than likely asleep. Walking into the house, Elliot groaned and slipped off his shoes, "Hungry?"

Olivia nodded, "Sure. I'm going to check on Noah first."

Elliot leaned in and kissed her cheek, "Okay."

In the kitchen, Elliot smiled at his Mom, "Hey Ma. Thanks again for staying...I don't know what the hell we'd do without you."

She smiled and leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek, "Happy to help. How did it go today?"

He sighed and shrugged his aching shoulders, "It was fine. It was good to be distracted I guess."

Bernie plated some leftover dinner and popped them in the microwave, "You're both very good at what you do. Helping others will help you heal."

Elliot smiled and sat down at the counter, "Thanks." He took a shaky breath, "Kids okay?"

Bernie stood across from him and smiled, "They...still have questions which I suppose is normal. But they're managing."

He nodded slowly, "We weren't sure if we should tell them...but they were smart enough to sense it. Do you think we made the wrong choice?"

Bernie shook her head and reached out to squeeze his arm, "No. I think that the way to heal is together. It will be okay Elliot. I know it doesn't feel that way now. But it will be…"

He put his hand over hers and smiled, "I hope so."

Olivia walked back into the kitchen and smiled at her husband and Mother-in-Law, "Hi Bernie. Thanks for tonight."

She smiled at them and reached for her bag, "The kids were hoping to come to my house this weekend? It's still warm...they could hit the beach if it's nice."

"That would be nice." Olivia said as she reached down and ruffled Scout's fur, "Maybe Saturday?"

Elliot shrugged, "Either day is fine."

Olivia walked over to him, let her hand trail across his back and whispered, "I thought maybe we could go to church Sunday together...all of us."

He swallowed hard and looked at her quickly, "Yeah?"

She shrugged and sat down on the stool beside him, "Yeah. If...you want to."

Bernie smiled at her son, "The kids lunches are all made. If you need me tomorrow, just call."

Elliot stood up quickly and walked to his Mom, he pressed a kiss to her cheek, "Text me when you get home so I know you got there safe. I'm sorry we are later than we expected."

She smiled up at him and touched his cheek, "It's okay. Goodnight." Walking over to Olivia, she kissed her cheek, "Goodnigth Olivia."

"Goodnight Bernie. Thank you." Olivia watched her walk towards the front door. When she was gone, she turned to her husband who was reaching for their dinner.

Setting the two plates down, he grabbed two forks and sat beside her again. Scout moved to his side and settled at his feet letting out a little whine. Olivia smirked as she watched Elliot push a few pieces of his chicken off his plate onto the floor for Scout to catch. He heard his wife chuckle and his face flushed, "What?"

"The guy who protested the dog is the one who feeds him human food the most." She teased.

Elliot looked at her and rolled his eyes, "Oh shush…"

She smiled and pushed a few more pieces of chicken onto the floor, "Admit it, he's growing on you."

Elliot snorted, "I'll do no such thing."

She leaned against his side and smiled, "Not even for me?"

He took one look at her deep brown eyes and noticed that she seemed a tad bit lighter than the days before, "For you...for you I'll admit that I tolerate him."

She smiled and kissed him softly, "Thank you."

He gave her a slight wink before they both turned back to their dinners. They ate in silence for a few minutes, comfortable in just being beside each other. When he was halfway done with his meal, he cleared his throat and looked at her, "About church on Sunday…" She turned to him and he shrugged nervously, "We don't have to go. I don't want you to think that just because of the other day...that I want to force this on you."

She swallowed the bite in her mouth and shook her head, "I don't El. Not at all. I know you'd never push me. I just...I want to go. I'm not saying I'll go every week...but I think it might be good for all of us. It's important to you. To the kids. And after this week...it might be a good thing for us to do together. As a family."

Reaching out, he brushed a strand of hair out of her face, "I appreciate you saying that. You're sure?"

Smiling, she kissed him again, "If you can admit that you tolerate the dog for me. I can admit that the other night...meant something to me. I still don't know what I feel...or what my beliefs are. But it felt good to have something to hold onto. Some sort of hope. I'd like...to try and hold onto that feeling. I think I need it."

"God I love you." He whispered, he saw the blush rise in her cheeks and he traced the line of her jaw, "More than I thought it was possible to love someone. Truly."

Turning her face, she pressed her lips to his palm, "I love you too." Sighing, she turned back to her dinner, "The other night...before…" She cringed slightly, "Casey...Casey and I were talking. About a lot of things."

Elliot continued to watch her as she pushed her food around, "Oh?"

"She was...angry at first. We argued. She lashed out at me. But when I got there she had been crying." Her voice cracked and he waited, "She was engaged before she came here. To a man she really loved. But...life happened."

Elliot frowned, "What do you mean?"

"I'm telling you this because you're my husband and I trust that you'll keep it between us. That you won't use it against her. That you won't tell Fin or John. No one." She whispered, "Because it's not my story to tell."

Elliot nodded slowly, "I won't say a word."

Pushing her plate away, she turned to him and felt Scout rest his head against her foot. "Her fiance, Charlie...he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia." Elliot's eyes went wide, "He became violent and unpredictable. But he refused his medication...and eventually she had to walk away. Even though she loved him...even though she knew deep down the man she had fallen in love with was in there somewhere. She lost him."

Elliot's demeanor softened, it made sense now, "That's...I mean I...I can't imagine."

"Neither can I." She looked up into his eyes and shrugged, "El once I found you...once we figured it out. If anything, or anyone had come between us it would have broken me. I know that. It still would if it ever did."

He scooted his stool closer to hers, "Liv, nothing is going to come between us. I won't let it."

She smiled and ran her hand up his arm, "As much as I love you for saying that...not even you can predict the future. Life's...a bitch sometimes. I think we learned that recently."

He sighed and reached for her hand, "Maybe. But...I'm always going to love you. You know that, right?"

"I do know that." She squeezed his hand tight, "I do...but I'm sure Charlie always wanted to love her too." He went to protest, "I'm just saying...that Casey and Charlie didn't plan on their life turning out that way. And trying to put myself in Casey's shoes...I can understand why she hated us so much when she first met us." She smirked, "You and I? El we got lucky. We have so much...so much that so many people don't. And I'm forever grateful for that."

He nodded slowly and looked down at their hands, their wedding bands caught his eye and smiled, "We do. And so am I."

"She also...lost…" Her voice cracked and she lifted her free hand to wipe away a tear, "She's been through this too. Before he got sick...she knows what this feels like."

Elliot let out a shaky breath, "Oh."

"Before you got there...she was with me. The whole time. It meant the world to me. Because I was terrified. We didn't get off to a good start...but I'm appreciative of her. And I hope...you can try and mend that relationship too. She's good at what she does." He nodded slowly, "None of us ever know what others are carrying with them El. We all have scars."

Tilting his head to the side he sighed, "Your heart is...so good Liv. So damn good. And I'm so lucky you're mine."

She smiled and shook her head, leaning in she kissed him, "You made me open my heart El. I probably would have kept her at an arm's length before you...but I learned taking that jump can be a good thing. You just have to try. Even when it's terrifying."

He smiled softly, understanding what she was saying, "You jump, I jump."

With a little nodd, she kissed him again, "You jump, I jump."

Turning back to their dinner, they both settled in but Elliot's hand never left hers on the counter. It wasn't all okay...but it was getting better. At least for now.

That Saturday, the kids were running along the beach in the last of the warm September days. Olivia held Noah as she watched them, his little hands clapped excitedly watching his siblings. At almost ten months old now he was enthralled by all that they did. Olivia couldn't help but laugh as Richie tumbled in the sand trying to catch Scout and Noah shrieked. The young boy popped back up quickly though and gave his Mom a thumbs up to indicate he was okay. She waved, letting him know she was watching. A gentle hand on her back made her turn and she smiled when she saw Elliot.

"Kids seem more relaxed." He whispered softly, "Like they are...less sad."

Olivia watched them run and felt her heart lift, felt the ache dull, "I agree."

Turning to look at her and Noah he smiled, "You too?"

She shrugged and looked down at Noah again, "It'll always be there. But...we have a life to live. Five incredible kids to love." She kissed Noah's cheek and smiled, "And someday...maybe more. But we'll see. When the time is right we'll know."

Elliot wrapped an arm around her and kissed her temple, "We'll know."

Noah reached for his Father and Olivia smiled, "I think little man wants to spend some time with you."

Elliot's face softened as he lifted his son. Holding him slightly above his head he sighed, "Hey Noah. Ten months almost, huh? Seems like just yesterday your Mom was swearing like a sailor in the precinct trying to push you out."

Olivia laughed, and it felt good to laugh, she pinched his side, "Don't tell him that!"

Elliot chuckled and looked over at her, "Someday he's going to ask about his birth story. And his is a doozy. He'll learn all about it. Either from us or Uncle Munch. And who do you want telling the story?"

She rolled her eyes and leaned against his shoulders, "Definitely not John. Never John. God knows what the heck he would say…"

Noah gurgled and Elliot smiled, "He'd tell you that he delivered you. All by himself. That's what he'd say. But you know better than that Noah James. Don't you? Mommy and Daddy would never trust John Munch to deliver you. I'd have done it myself if there was no other option."

She laughed harder, "Thank God for Noah and James...that would have been a mess."

"I could have done it." He teased, "I didn't want to...but I would have if we had no other choice. Wasn't about to let John or Fin get all up in your lady parts."

She groaned and put her head on his shoulder, "Stop!"

Smiling, he settled Noah at his side, "Just saying…"

She sighed and tucked herself under his free arm, "Please don't put that picture in my head ever again." She heard him laugh, then she chewed on her bottom lip and whispered, "Hey El?"

He was watching the kids play, but the softness of her voice pulled him back, "Hm?"

She kept her head in the crook of her neck and reached out to touch Noah's back, "I uh...I was just thinking that...that…"

Her voice sounded worried and he understood that whatever she was thinking was difficult, "Liv, you can tell me anything."

She sucked in her lower lip and shrugged, "It's just we haven't...not since. And I...I think I need some time. But...I just wanted you to know that I didn't...it's not you. It's just all...it's too hard. And it's...I just can't. Not right now."

He understood then. As much as he'd love to be close to her in that way, he knew now wasn't the time. He'd waited before. And he'd wait forever now. As long as she needed him to. "Liv, that's not even...don't worry about that. Okay? Not for a second."

Tilting her head up she looked at him as he stared down at her, "It's not that I don't...I just feel all out of sorts. I just need you to be patient with me."

Tanging his free hand in her hair, he pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, "And I will be. Always." He breathed her in, "What you and I have...it's more than sex. It's more than making love. I love that part of our relationship, but with or without it...you've got me. Forever."

Letting out a little sigh of relief she looked back at the kids and let him hold her and Noah. Some days were hard. Some days it all seemed to be damn heavy. Some days it felt like the world had swallowed them up amidst all the chaos and they were drowning. But in these moments, these quiet moments. Together. They found their way. And they always would.