And if all your dreams come true,
Do your memories still end up haunting you?
Is there such a thing as really breaking through,
To another day and a brighter shade of blue?
-Christine Kane, "She Don't Like Roses"
Chapter 1
Maura shivered a little in the September breeze as she waited outside her four-year-old daughter Tori's new school. She had started pre-k this month at a primary school she would attend through sixth grade, a small private school located in a converted brick row house similar to the one they lived in. Maura had been so relieved when the acceptance letter had arrived in the spring. It had been her first choice, a school with an excellent curriculum that was right there in Beacon Hill. Still, it was hard to get used to the idea of Tori going to school with all these bigger kids. Sometimes she missed her quaint little nursery school.
The school operated on a four-and-a-half day week, meaning they got out right after lunch on Fridays. It was just now noon, which meant children would be flooding the front steps of the stately old building any minute now, and there was already a cluster of parents and nannies outside, some with empty strollers, waiting for their children to come out.
Maura looked up when the doors opened and smiled when she saw Tori tumbling out amongst the other four-year-olds. She came marching out the door carrying her dinosaur lunchbox, wearing a black quilted Burberry jacket, grey knit stockings under her much-loved fire truck dress, and black suede ankle boots. Her honey blonde curls bounced on top of her red backpack, printed with a design of colored pencils. Her lively hazel eyes searched the crowd, and when she saw Maura, she broke into a grin.
"Mommy!" she called, running into Maura's arms. Maura scooped her up and held her close, inhaling the scent of her hair.
"How was your day, baby?" she asked, setting the little girl back down.
"It was good. We had art class today," Tori said, taking Maura's hand and skipping along beside her as they headed in the direction of their house. "You wanna know what I made?"
"What?" Maura asked, smiling. Art and science were Tori's favorite subjects.
"A penguin with ten eyes!"
"Ten eyes! Why did you give it so many eyes?"
"So it can see in every direction! That way, seals can't sneak up on it and eat it. But it can still watch its baby!"
"Oh, that's smart," said Maura with a little chuckle. She glanced down and saw Tori looking at something across the street, waving with her little hand.
"Who are you waving at?" Maura asked, following her gaze. She saw an elderly couple across the street, but they quickly turned away when they saw her looking. She thought she caught something familiar in the man's eyes, though…
Suddenly she felt icy fingers gripping her heart. "Come on, Tori. Mama's waiting for us." She picked Tori up and doubled her pace.
"Why are we in such a hurry?" Tori asked. "Are those people bad?"
"We don't know them, Tori, so you shouldn't have waved at them. We've told you not to talk to strangers."
"But I wasn't talking. I was waving. They waved at me first."
"Waving is a kind of talking, and they shouldn't have been waving at a little girl they don't know."
"I didn't know waving was a kind of talking!"
Maura sighed, trying to keep her feelings in check for now. "You're not in trouble. It just scared me to see you waving at strangers."
"I won't do it again. Can you put me down now, please?"
"Not yet. We need to get home quickly."
Maura hurried down the maze of Beacon Hill streets in what suddenly seemed like a much longer walk than usual. She kept checking behind her, but there was no sign of the elderly couple. Finally she turned onto Chestnut Street and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her own house come into view. With one last glance to make sure they weren't being followed, she put Tori down and let her run up the steps to the front door.
They found Jane in the kitchen, sitting in front of 18-month-old Gianna's highchair, trying to get the toddler to finish her lunch. The sight of Gianna always melted Maura's heart. She looked like a miniature Jane with her headful of dark curls, her big, sweet brown eyes, and the dimples that appeared whenever she laughed. Right now, however, she was struggling to hold her eyes open, her head listing to the side.
"Someone's ready for a nap," Maura said with a smile.
"Yeah, just trying to get her to finish her food first," said Jane.
It was a constant worry with Gianna, unfortunately. They had discovered shortly after her birth that she had an atrial septal defect, a hole in her heart. Her pediatric cardiologist was monitoring it for now to see if it would close on its own, but Maura was worried. Her symptoms weren't improving. She was so small for her age, and she tired easily. Tori had been such a ball of energy at that age. If she didn't start showing improvement soon, she might need surgery.
"Hey, Gummy Bear," Jane said cheerfully. "How was school?"
"Great," said Tori, running into the kitchen after having deposited her coat, backpack, and shoes in the hall closet. "There were some old people watching me from across the street and when I looked at them, the lady smiled and waved. I waved back at her and Mommy said I shouldn't. She said waving at strangers is the same as talking to strangers."
"Well, I guess sometimes it is." Jane looked up at Maura, frowning. "Did you recognize the people?"
"No," said Maura, but the look in her eyes was enough to signal to Jane that there was more to the story.
"Were they picking up a child from the school?"
"No," Maura repeated. "They walked away when they saw me looking at them."
"Well then." Jane looked down at Tori. "Mommy was right that you shouldn't wave at those people. She's just trying to keep you safe, okay? Some grownups who don't have sweet little girls of their own will just snatch them up!" Her hand leaped out and grabbed Tori, pulling her close for a kiss. Tori giggled, and Maura was able to relax a little and laugh a bit herself.
"I'd better get this one upstairs. She's dozing in her carrots," Jane said, removing Gianna's bib and lifting her from the highchair.
"I'll clean up after her," Maura said, planting a kiss on Gianna's curly head. Tori went out to play in her treehouse in the backyard, and Maura felt grateful that their yard was surrounded by brick walls. No one would be spying on her back there, other than Maura.
"So, what's the deal with these creepy old people?" Jane asked when she came back downstairs.
Maura sighed, looking down. "I could be wrong," she said. "I only got a very quick glimpse before they turned away."
"You could be wrong, but you almost never are. So what is it?"
Maura looked up nervously. "The man had the same eyes as Joe Harris."
Jane let out her breath. "Oh, Maura."
"Exactly the same. I felt like he was looking at me again." Maura shuddered. Joe Harris's eyes were something she would never forget, no matter how much she might want to. He had made ruthless eye contact while taunting her, playing mind games with her. He had even tried to stare into her eyes while he held her down and raped her. Five years later, those eyes still haunted her nightmares. She had been so relieved when Tori's eyes had turned hazel during her first year. It was difficult to believe that this brilliant, loving child had been fathered by that horrible man. It was much easier to imagine she had come from a sperm donor, like Gianna. Most people assumed she had.
"Hey. Joe Harris is dead. I killed him myself, and he will never look at you again." Jane crossed the room and pulled Maura into her arms.
"I know," said Maura. "But…what if…what if his parents have found out about Tori somehow?"
"How would they find out?"
"I don't know. There are lots of possible ways. They looked late sixties to early seventies to me, which is the right age to be his parents, and Tori said they just stood there looking at her, and the lady waved, so she waved back. As soon as I looked at them, they turned around and walked away. It's like they came there to look for her. The school does put the schedule on its website, so they would know when to come."
"I'll look into it, okay? I'll have Nina look Harris's parents up."
Maura nodded. "Maybe next week, we should go together to pick her up from school."
"That's a good idea. If I see these fuckers, I'm gonna go talk to them."
"I don't know if it's a good idea to stir up trouble with them…"
"If they're stalking my little girl, I'm gonna talk to them. I am not going to have those people thinking they can come anywhere near my daughter."
Maura relaxed a little inside. She always felt safer with Jane nearby. She wasn't a cop anymore, and she no longer carried a gun, but she was still fierce – and she had proven more than once in the past that she could defend herself and her loved ones with or without a gun.
Maura's phone rang, and she looked at the screen. "It's Shawna, from the rape crisis center," she remarked, stepping into the hall as she answered.
"Hey, Maura," came the familiar voice. Although they hadn't talked in some time, Shawna had run the art therapy class Maura had taken at the center, at her therapist's urging, when Tori was a baby. Maura had since made regular major contributions to the center to help it continue providing free services to everyone who needed them. She had stayed in touch with Shawna, who ran the center, because of this.
"Shawna!" Maura said. "How have you been? How are things at the center?"
"Everything's great here. How are those sweet little girls of yours?"
"They're certainly keeping me busy."
"I read your new book," said Shawna. "I loved the way you represented the character who was a rape survivor, and her healing process."
Maura lightly bit her finger, the way she sometimes did when she was nervous. "Well, it's a process I'm intimately familiar with. I've actually gotten quite a few letters from readers who said it inspired them to seek help."
"We've gotten that feedback from a few clients here as well," Shawna said. "Maura, I called to ask you something, but I want you to know there is absolutely no pressure to say yes."
"Okay, what is it?"
"The annual Women's Empowerment Conference is coming up in January, and I'm putting together a panel on sexual violence. I have a few high-profile survivors who have volunteered to be part of the panel and to speak on their experiences and participate in a Q and A afterwards. As a bestselling author who is also a survivor, I think you'd be perfect for this."
"I…I'd have to think about it," Maura admitted. "I've never spoken publicly about my experience. Only people close to me know about it."
"I understand that, and if you don't want to tell your story to a larger audience, I get it," Shawna promised. "I just wanted to throw it out there in case you're interested."
"I'll talk it over with Jane and call you back," Maura promised.
"What was that about?" Jane asked when Maura came back to the kitchen.
"Shawna's putting together a panel on surviving sexual violence for the Women's Empowerment Conference, and she wants to know if I'm willing to be a panelist."
"Wow! Are you going to do it?"
"I'm not sure." Maura glanced out the back window, confirming that Tori was still in her treehouse, playing with her toy dinosaurs. "I would have to tell a roomful of strangers about my own sexual assault and how I got through it. That would be hard."
Jane nodded. "I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to do that."
Maura bit her lip. "But…my new book seems to have inspired a lot of survivors so far. The way I show a character being severely traumatized but moving on with the right help has shown a lot of people that they can find a way to move on too. It's meant a lot to me to know that I'm helping people in that way. And with this conference, I could reach even more people."
"That's true," Jane agreed. "And even more people would see how amazing you are."
Maura smiled. "If I do it, I can't tell the whole story. I can't tell them I got pregnant, because video or transcripts could get online, people we barely know might think it's common knowledge, and Tori could end up finding out the wrong way."
"So don't give a clear timeline. Simply talk about what happened to you and what you did to recover from it. At the end, you can mention that several years have passed and you now have a happy family of your own. No one would jump to the conclusion that Tori is the result of what happened to you."
Maura nodded. "I think maybe I should do it. It might feel good to speak out, especially if I can help others."
"And talking to strangers is sometimes easier than talking to people you know," Jane admitted.
"It can be," Maura agreed. "Although you will always be the easiest person for me to talk to. And you will be hearing every draft of my speech."
Jane chuckled. "I wouldn't expect any less. So you're gonna do it?"
Maura nodded. "Yes, I think I am. I'm going to call Shawna back."
Jane pulled Maura into a hug and kissed her. "I'm so proud of you."
Maura grinned and planted another kiss on Jane's lips. "You know, I'm kind of proud of me, too."
Author's note: welcome to my new story! I have a lot going on right now so I will be a little slow with the updates, so please be patient! It may take a few weeks to get the next chapter up, but I always finish what I start, so you know I'll keep chugging along no matter what! Your feedback is welcome. And for readers in the US - happy Thanksgiving!