Winter Vow
It was Winter.
The path up into the mountain was frozen today, the branches of the trees silent and devoid of their usual bright foliage, making the forest seem more like a mausoleum of memories than a vibrant place of life. The air was chill, and Juushirou was aware that every exhale of breath became a cloud of steam, dissipating into the atmosphere like mist over the crest of the swirling sea waves. Somehow, despite the icy bleakness, he felt a shade comforted by this analogy. It had been, after all, a long time since he had last walked this path. And yet, he knew better than anyone else that it was time he did so.
Time to put this fear behind him, just as one by one he had eliminated the other things in his way.
Today was his sixteenth birthday, after all. And as he gazed up at the frost-hazed sky, Juushirou found his thoughts flitting to his mother. Sixteen years ago, she had made a decision that had impacted on them both forever. One had lived and one had died...even now, sometimes, Juushirou wondered whether or not the decision had been right.
But it could not be changed, so it was not his place to fret.
On that night, of course, there had been bitter and violent storms that had raged up and down the landscape. Juushirou had not questioned this fact for some time, but since he had spoken to the two fish he had begun to wonder whether or not there was some reason why he had always felt as much kinship with thunder and lightning as he had with the sea surf that lapped relentlessly against the cove.
His mother's love, his father's fortitude.
He frowned.
Had that encounter been a dream? A fever-induced hallucination?
Even now Juushirou did not know for sure. For some reason, too, he had kept the matter to himself, unsure how to confide such a strange yet compelling encounter to the people around him. The fish and the world they inhabited had seemed real enough at the time, and even though it had been some months since that moment, he could still picture them vividly in his mind, their voices and expressions ingrained deep onto his very soul. Even now, the very thought of them gave him a comfort and peace that he had not easily known since his Father's death, and whenever he had felt his courage or conviction failing, their words had echoed through his head, giving him the strength to push on.
But there were many questions, he knew. Questions with no answers, and no one left who could easily answer them.
So he had made the difficult decision to come here, braving the cold weather and unpleasant memories to face his last and most deep-rooted fear.
To enter once again the forest where he had met the Hollow.
"I was surprised, you know, when you said you wanted to walk up here."
As Juushirou pushed through the thick frost-coated branches that led towards the copse beyond, his companion raised his voice, and the teenager paused, turning to cast his tutor a questioning glance.
"Today of all days, and with me as company." Kamikura paused, resting his hand against the trunk of a nearby tree as he did so. "It's cold and you're only just on the road to real recovery, Juushirou-sama. Why did you feel this was so important?"
"I'm a long way off my former health yet, I know that." Juushirou murmured, a troubled look in his hazel green eyes as he nodded his head. "I realise that, sensei, and I'm sorry to have troubled you with my selfish whim. But the truth is, you were the only one I wanted to come here with today. Because more than anyone, you understood Father. And he trusted you...he trusted you to teach me about things that other people didn't talk about. So it seemed to make sense. Besides..."
He spread his hands.
"Today is my sixteenth birthday." He said softly. "Sixteen years ago, my mother brought me into the world, and sacrificed herself to ensure that I survived. Father told me that it was her love that kept me going, but I'm not sure. Since Father died, too, I've wondered about something else. I wonder...if somehow...I stole their strength. That in order for me to live...they gave me everything they had."
"That's a rather sweeping assumption." Kamikura looked startled. "And what? You thought that if it was the case, I'd know?"
"More, if it was the case, you'd be the only one to tell me so honestly." Juushirou admitted. "I feel you've always done that, sensei. You've never babied or protected me. Even when I was a boy of eight, you talked to me about the Gotei and the implications and dangers of the Hollows...dangers I understand now only too well. So I thought I would ask."
He looked pensive.
"I know that you were the last person my Father spoke to, before he died." He added. "Okaasama said that he asked for a moment alone with you, once the physician had confirmed the wound he received was fatal. And I don't know what it was he told you - or if it's even my business at all. But I wanted to know whether that was what he meant."
"What do you imagine I know about spirit power, given this reiatsu-starved body of mine?" Kamikura asked lightly. "I'm sorry, Juushirou-sama. In matters of that nature, I'm not qualified to speak. But why this all of a sudden? Why would you think you had taken your parents' strength?"
"Something happened to me here." Juushirou paused at the edge of the copse, fighting back the cold waves of dread that stirred within him as unbidden the sense of the Hollow's encroaching aura once more flooded his thoughts. "I don't know what, but I changed. Something was different and it hasn't gone back to how it was before. That's all."
He sighed, closing his eyes briefly as the memories rushed away.
"Father died from the injuries he sustained against the Hollow." He murmured. "He came to save me, and he used unknown techniques to try and drive the monster away from me. But I...something invaded me. Something that was never there before. And I couldn't stop it. Something powerful and strong. Someone...after that, someone told me that it was my own raw strength pushing through me. But it was never there before. Only from that time. And...I suppose...I wondered how much I owed to my parents after all. And whether that power only became a proper part of me because they...they stopped living their own lives and started living...well...inside of me somehow."
"Started living inside of you?" Kamikura eyed him keenly. "Someone spoke to you about all of this? Can I ask who?"
"Not really." Juushirou reddened slightly. "Because I don't...I don't totally know for sure myself if I dreamed it or if it was real. So I suppose I'm looking to qualify those things for myself. It's hard to explain. Impossible to put into words, in fact, even though it sounds stupid. But I feel somehow like they are inside of me, sometimes. And it's made me want to understand, properly, what happened."
He glanced at his hands.
"Father was strong and decisive and he never had doubts." He added quietly. "Of all people, Sensei, I loved and admired him most for those things. Losing him was unimaginable...but I wonder...if he gave me his strength that day. If, like mother, he used his own power to keep me safe, instead of protecting himself against danger."
"Because something surged inside of you then that hadn't before?"
"Yes."
Kamikura was silent for a moment, then he spread his hands.
"You've been thinking about this for some time, and a quick, casual dismissal from me won't settle your mind any, I know." he reflected. "Equally, though, I don't want to keep you here in the cold for long when your chest is still so prone to picking up infections. You're a lot better than you were, make no mistake. But even so, you're not as strong as you were before your Father's death, and I'm aware that he'd be cross if I put you at risk simply to satisfy adolescent curiosity."
"But you do know something?" Hope flared in Juushirou's gaze, and Kamikura shook his head.
"All I can tell you is that your mother's name Raiko was written with the kanji for 'lightning' and 'child'." He said softly. "You knew that, though, didn't you?"
"Yes, but I..."
"Raiko-sama was never trained to the point where she summoned a zanpakutou or properly mastered her powers." Kamikura added softly. "But I know that she spoke once or twice of something within her that seemed to sparkle and crackle with energy and life. She didn't know what it was, and I can't tell you any more, either. But I know that's the truth."
"Mother had...that kind of power?"
"The magic that your Father did to drive off the Hollow was taught him by your mother." Kamikura continued. "He only ever learnt three Kidou techniques, and none of them very well, sadly. Your Father was an Ukitake of Ukitake lineage, and nothing out of the norm. He had just enough spirit power to fire the spells, and that was all. But your Mother was truly powerful. Potentially. She was very strong indeed."
"But she had me, and she died."
"Yes." Kamikura agreed. "And I don't know it for sure, Juushirou-sama. But it's my suspicion that the reason she did is because, strong as she was, she used her power to protect something stronger. That thing which surged inside of you when you met the Hollow wasn't her power, or your Father's. It was your own - the power you were born with. The storms that night were probably your unguarded spiritual energy, not Raiko-sama's. Most people assume it was hers, but your Father never said as much, and I don't think so, either. Raiko-sama exhausted her spirit power quelling yours - because yours was so powerful that it stopped you from breathing."
He smiled.
"She wasn't going to have that." He added. "She was a mother with a son she loved about to be stolen from her arms. She wasn't going to give up - what Mother would? So she didn't. However much it took, she held you and soothed you until it quieted enough for you to be able to breathe."
"But..." Juushirou stared, and Kamikura shrugged.
"That's how I believe it happened." He said lightly. "From what your Father told me about Raiko-sama's death, and from what I knew of your Mother herself. Your Father protected you - everyone always has protected you - because of that strength you have that none of your siblings do. Because of that, you never had any occasion to use it. But when the Hollow came at you - that was different. Your natural defences kicked in and your own spirit power flared."
He rested his hand on the boy's shoulder.
"Sadly, your poor body wasn't ready for it." He murmured. "I'm glad you're better now than you were then. Your Father was worried about you, right up till he died. He knew you were hurt, and he knew why. He was afraid for you, and he asked me to look out for you as much as I could - if I could. That's what he asked me, when he died. To take care of his eldest son and his very special gifts. So that something like that couldn't hurt you so badly again."
Juushirou was silent, digesting this slowly.
"So he came to protect me not from the Hollow but from myself?" He whispered. "Because I might have killed the Hollow, the way energy was flaring around me - but I might also have killed myself in the process?"
"Yes."
"But...then...did I make Father's injuries worse?" Juushirou looked anxious. "If it's that way, surely..."
"Your Father was dealt a fatal blow by the claw of the Hollow." Kamikura said frankly. "Nothing you did or didn't do had any bearing on his death. It was entirely his choice, and that's all. Don't dwell on it again, Juushirou. Not today, especially. You're here and you're alive -and coming back here took courage, I know. If you want to believe they're still living inside of you, then do so - if it helps you form your resolve, thinking they leant you their strength, then there's no harm in it. After all, all children carry at least some part of their parents forward into their own lives. But don't make today sad. You came here to honour your father's memory, didn't you? Do that instead. Don't grieve his death, but honour his life."
"You're right." Juushirou looked ashamed. "I'm sorry, Sensei. I'm not going to become morose."
He sighed.
"I did that for too long." He murmured. "Not any more."
He pursed his lips, then,
"Does Okaasama know about this? That I'm not physically strong enough to control my own energy? Because..."
"You seem to be controlling it fine now." Kamikura reminded him lightly. "And yes, she knows. Of course she does."
"Chi-chan said she felt it, when I was angry with her once." Juushirou murmured. "But I don't want to hurt her or anyone by letting it loose. If it's really part of me. I am controlling it, maybe, but it takes a toll on my body. I'm not as strong as people think I am. If I can't even hold together my spirit power, I'm really not that strong at all. And if I don't control it..."
"You've managed this long, and all that's happened now is that the boundaries have changed. You're aware of what you weren't before, and that's part of growing up." Kamikura said softly. "Every time your health improves, it means you're gaining another level of control over it. That's all. You're naturally weak in terms of your physiology. Your chest is always going to be your greatest downfall. But so long as your scars are healing and your fevers subsiding, you're not doing yourself any further harm. And that's all you can do for the time being. Just concentrate on getting well. So long as you do that, it's under control. Isn't it?"
"I suppose so." Juushirou acknowledged. "I'll just have to keep clear of any Hollows, and then it will be all right."
He smiled faintly.
"Please, Sensei, I'd rather you didn't mention this conversation to Okaasama, or to my siblings." He added. "If Okaasama knows, then she does, but I don't want her to think it's concerning me in any way. She'll worry about me, then, and it's not her place to do so. And as for the others - some of them are still too young to understand that I'm different from them in any way. I don't know if they even fully appreciate, sometimes, that I'm only their half-brother and not their full brother. So it's a complication they don't need to know."
"There's no reason to discuss it with them." Kamikura agreed. "Though I think you're wrong about one thing. You've always been their brother, just as to Kaede-sama you've always been her son. Not by blood, perhaps - but this family's always seemed stronger than just blood ties. Don't you agree?"
"Without doubt." Juushirou acknowledged. "Even though now, both my parents are gone - I don't feel orphaned or abandoned, sensei. Not even a little. The woman who was my mother is a mysterious figure to me. The one who I've always considered in that role is Okaasama. So even though it's not the case, I know how lucky I am. Which is why I don't want to upset things by pointing out the disparities."
He grimaced, fingering his lank hair.
"Bad enough this hasn't turned back to black." He added. "I stand out enough now from the others without more complications."
"Your eyes aside, you look more like your mother than your father these days." Kamikura observed. "And the white hair is striking, but not in a bad sense. It's just become part of you, I suppose. Juushirou, the Winter baby. That's all."
"Hiro-kun's taken to calling me 'Shiro-nii" lately, because of it." Juushirou said ruefully. "I think he thinks it's the most clever name in the world, though I suppose it shows that even though my health has been so bad, my siblings haven't become afraid of me. A new nickname is a small price to pay, in the end – Hiro and Chi-chan are both old enough to understand much more than some of the others, after all."
"You've always been closest to the both of them." Kamikura agreed. "They're almost as smart as you, too, so perhaps that's why."
He eyed his companion keenly.
"Though circumstances have aged you beyond your years on many occasions." He murmured. "Whereas for the most part Hiroyuki-sama and Chihiro-sama are both still very innocent in many ways."
"I'm not sure." Juushirou pursed his lips. "Things Chi-chan's said to me…I think she understands things more than she lets on, sometimes."
He stretched, stifling a shiver as a chill breeze whipped across the copse, and Kamikura was immediately alert.
"We should head back, if you're cold." He suggested. "A brisk walk should get some warmth into your bones at least."
"Not yet." Juushirou pulled his cloak more tightly around his thin frame, shaking his head. "I have one more place to go, first."
"One more?"
"Mmm." Juushirou nodded, gesturing towards a pathway flanked with silver-frosted trees. "Father took me there, to show me Seireitei and I loved coming to see it before he died. I never saw it in Winter, though. And I'd like to. Because like you said, I'm a Winter baby. So in a sense, this is the world I came into, isn't it?"
"I can't argue with your logic, but we won't dally there long." Kamikura relented. "That you want to push your strength and keep on makes me glad – you really are much more the boy I knew before than the invalid you'd seemed to become. But even so, there's no sense in stupid risks. All right?"
"All right. Last place, I promise, then we'll head right back." Juushirou nodded, relief flickering in his hazel green eyes. "Thank you, sensei. I appreciate it."
For a while they walked in silence, the only sound the soft tread of their sandals against the frozen ground. Then, as they reached their destination, Juushirou let out an exclamation, hurrying forward and dropping down to his knees at the far side of the ledge, disbelief in his gaze.
"You'll freeze, on the ground like that. Stand up, before you do!" Kamikura said anxiously, but Juushirou held up his hands to stop his teacher interfering, shaking his head.
"No, I won't." He murmured. "I won't freeze. I won't die. I won't let anything like that happen. I'm sure of it now, Sensei. There are more ways than one to become a tree, after all – I just didn't know it till now."
"I'm sorry?" Kamikura stared. "Become…a tree? What are you talking about, Juushirou-sama?"
"This." Juushirou reached out a tentative hand, brushing his finger gently against the frozen stem of a young tree as he raised a gaze to his companion. "When the Hollow attacked me, Sensei, this is what I'd come here to see. This sapling. But the Hollow crushed it. It snapped the trunk clean in two and trampled it into the ground. And I thought…I thought it was killed. I thought that it hadn't made it to being a tree, after all."
He sighed, sitting back on his heels.
"But in the time since I last came here, it's not given up at all." He murmured. "Its main trunk was broken, yet it's put out new shoots and is still continuing to grow. I guess it wasn't ready to die yet. And I'm not ready to, either. I know that now more than I ever have."
"I still don't completely understand…"
Juushirou sent his tutor a rueful glance, getting to his feet.
"Seeds that sprout win the first battle, but they still have a long way before becoming trees." He said softly. "People are the same way. Being born is a victory, but there's still a lot to do before they reach a point where they're strong and able to hold their own ground. Father taught me that. Using this tree, he taught me that I could be a tree too, one day."
He shrugged.
"The sapling didn't give up. Things changed and it adapted." He added. "And I think I'm meant to do the same. I'm not the same as I was before Father died. I fight a more difficult battle with my body every day now than I did when I was younger, and I know a lot more things I didn't know then. But I can still grow. I can still go forwards. And maybe, I can become a tree. Just like the sapling is trying to be."
"Your father was full of surprising logic, wasn't he?" Kamikura chuckled. "But now you've explained I can't fault him on this one. There's no doubt in my mind at all, Juushirou-sama. You're destined to be a tree someday. Just like he said."
Author's note:
Ah, here it is! Juu's Chapter 13 ;) Hehe! Since I've explained Juushirou's mother's name Raiko now, I'll explain his father Hidenobu's as well. It's written
Also, someone asked me
Why aren't Tokutarou and his uncle using Shikai etc in their fight?
It's a fair enough question, I think, and simple enough one to answer. Because they're not Shinigami.
In the ancient world I've been basing my story in, they're still learning a lot about the power available to them, and so raising a zanpakutou even to Shikai level is a rare and particularly significant event. Though every Gotei representative masters it, not all Clan leaders do, irrespective of their position, power and physical strength ;) Bankai is even rarer - to date there are only three Shinigami who've mastered it (though they aren't going to be properly referenced in this story because they're not relevant to Shun or Juu right now). Hollows are dispatched in the same manner that the Quincy disposed of them - which is why the balance of their world is in peril and why Hollows are breaking through into Seireitei as well as Rukongai. That's why killing them destroyed Matsuhara so much - because he was eliminating souls, not freeing or purifying them. And he could never quite forgive himself for that fact.
Matsuhara was the last and so far the only Kyouraku Shinigami referenced in this story. He of course had Shikai, but he didn't use it against his brother because he had no intention of killing him and preferred to be killed than to commit fratricide. All of this is why Shunsui's position in the clan is so significant in the struggles between his Uncle and his brother, because he's his father's son.
There's no space to explain the finer points of all that here, since this story is just a collection of individual scenes. However, if I finish the Academy story, everything will be made a lot clearer for all of the Clans and the different ways in which they do things. That is providing anyone is brave enough to read it *hehe* :)