Chapter Fifteen: Lovesickness
Morning.
Juushirou gazed out across the horizon, idly running his fingers across the sheathed blade of his asauchi as he watched the sun begin to rise over the main campsite. It was early, he knew and inside Toutai's familiar and reassuring tent, the other members of his squad were still fast asleep. Despite the shock and alarm of the fire, he mused, exhaustion had got the better of them one by one and though they had begun by chatting among themselves, in the end he had been the only one who had not been claimed by sleep.
After the dream he had had, he had been afraid to even try.
He sighed, getting to his feet and returning his asauchi to his belt as he padded softly across the camp towards a cluster of uneven rocks that marked the boundary between their campsite and the outside world.
The previous night had frightened him more than any of his companions – more even than Kira, who had been a visible bag of nerves and who had been the last person in Toutai's tent to finally fall asleep. Deep down inside he wondered – and worried – whether his stormy dream and the sudden bolt of lightning had been connected. Even while common sense told him that he was reading too much into it, time and time again he came back to the same question.
And so he had not slept, fearing that he might somehow put his companions in danger.
Yet even so, his fear was tempered by something else – something that worried him just as much when he paused to think about it. In the river his power had surged, and even though he had tried to ignore it, he knew that deep inside of him he could still feel it – that odd, intoxicating sensation buzzing against his senses.
Something had changed, moving the boundaries on his spirit power yet again. Another small step towards…
At this he paused, shaking his head as if to clear it.
Another step towards…what? Ever since I was at home, In'you have been there far more than they ever have been before. In the river, they helped me – but that strength is still strength I don't know how to handle properly. Last night, there was a storm…but even though Kazoe-sensei dismissed it, I can't help but wonder…if it was something to do with me and the reiryoku that seems to be rocketing around my body ever since I jumped in to save Hirata.
No, no it's from before then. It changed before that. And it frightens me, if it really was my reiryoku that somehow caused that fire.
He grimaced, not liking where his thoughts were heading.
If so, I really do need to settle things with Edogawa-san. If I can bring down a storm in my sleep, I'm really going to get somebody hurt and given what she said to Ryuu-kun…she's probably putting herself right in my firing line. I'm becoming dangerous – as though I'm losing some measure of control I thought I'd finally clawed back.
And yet, even though that's true…there was something I liked about the rush of power I felt in the river. About not being afraid of my surroundings – about knowing that even if it was just for a brief moment, I could handle anything the water threw at me.
He sighed, sinking down onto the stones and rubbing his temples.
It's almost like I understand why so many people became so interested in reidoku, now. Even if this is all my own power – the curiosity about it is just as compelling. That power that Hahaue could not fully confine…did that power really cause the storm on the night that I was born? And again last night? Was that really Hahaue I dreamed about? Without even knowing what she looked like – could I have dreamed about her, or was it just an illusion after all?
And what of the power that flared up when Father died…it took me the best part of eighteen months to reel that in to a level where I could at least exist without hurting those around me. This time it hasn't been that way, so somehow I managed to pull it back enough not to really rip myself to shreds.
He frowned.
Or if that was Hahaue…maybe she was the one who…but wait, that's stupid. Completely ridiculous – even more ridiculous than listening to talking fish. Hahaue is dead. She died when I was born. I never knew her…nobody's controlling my spirit power except for me.
If you can even call it 'controlling'…I'm starting to wonder for myself exactly what's going on. It's like a chain reaction…and I'm not sure how to shut it off.
Fleetingly he remembered once more the conversation by the sea, back home in District Six before he and Kira had embarked on their hair-raising journey back to the Academy.
In'you were right. This isn't the end of the path at all. And even if my endurance now is better than it was when I was fifteen – there's still a risk to those around me. And, probably, a risk to myself, as well.
The calm before the storm, just like I told Edogawa-san. In'you said it, too. Well, perhaps it's the opposite. It seems like the calm beyond the storm too. And maybe I have to face the possibility that…in the end, it's a false calm.
"You're thoughtful this morning, Juushirou."
In's voice broke through his musing at that moment, startling him into looking around him, and he could hear the faint tinkle of her laughter against his thoughts at his instinctive reaction.
"Are you that surprised to hear from me? I thought you realised now – we are always with you, whether you call for us or not."
"I'm trying to understand." Juushirou murmured. "Exactly what it is the two of you want from me. Whether I'm going to be able to handle it – whether I can keep it under wraps or whether I'm going to wind up hurting people again. What I felt in the river was abnormal, In – but I liked it, nonetheless. For a moment I felt invincible – and I've never felt like that in my life before. But then…last night…"
He trailed off, unsure how to phrase his next remark, and he thought he heard the fish sigh.
"You're not invincible. Nobody is." In's voice held a warning. "That was simply your sleeping strength rising up to defend you, nothing more. Your body is still recovering from the effects of that surge – had it gone on longer, you might have found yourself truly ill. Your stamina isn't at a stage yet where you can release that kind of energy without risk…there is still a lot of work to do."
"Last night…the storm…was that your doing too?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't know." Juushirou sighed. "I wish I did, but I don't."
"Then it's not for me to answer."
"In…why do you talk in riddles? Why don't you tell me things straight?"
"Because they're things you have to learn for yourself. Much as You and I want to guide you – sometimes we have to let you fumble and wander and stray to find them on your own."
"What if I don't find them?"
"All we can do is pray that you will." In said gravely. "And that you understand that you are not yet in a position to properly master the power the fates have gifted you – please, Juushirou, you must realise that now."
"But you both let me have it, anyway." Juushirou realised. "Even though you don't think I can control it properly, in the water, you let me – didn't you? Even if it means now I'm more out of control than before. It was you – both of you. You really are in control of my reiryoku, aren't you? From the start, that's been the case."
"Now he's beginning to get it." You's voice cut into the conversation, and Juushirou had the distinct impression that the white fish had just headbutted himself forcibly against the District boy's wits. "We are your reiryoku, Juushirou. We are that part of you – the part that protects you, the part that defends you. And the part that, one day, you might use to defend others, too."
"To…defend others?" Juushirou's eyes widened. "But…"
"Ukitake-kun?" A soft voice from the grass behind him made him jump, the faint traces of the spiritual fish gone in an instant as he turned to face the speaker. As he did so, his heart clenched in his chest and he swallowed, taking in the concern in Mitsuki's violet grey eyes.
"Edogawa-san." He whispered, and at the reticence in his tones, Mitsuki's gaze became even more clouded.
"I hoped…I might speak to you." She hazarded quietly. "Because…something woke me up. And I thought…maybe you weren't quite right this morning, Ukitake-kun."
Juushirou frowned.
"I'm not ill this morning." He said quietly. "On the contrary, I'm feeling a lot better than I have been, so you don't need to worry about me."
"I know." Mitsuki hesitated, then settled herself on the grass opposite him, raising her gaze to his as she eyed him pensively. "It's not that. It's just…something that's difficult to explain, I suppose. But this morning, when I came across…I thought you were talking to someone. But nobody is here. And…lately…you haven't seemed…like yourself at all."
Juushirou frowned, then got to his feet, holding out his hand to pull her up with him as inwardly he made up his mind.
"We need to talk." He said quietly, and Mitsuki's eyes widened slightly, seemingly startled by the serious tone in his voice.
"Ukitake-kun?"
"By the lake." Juushirou said softly. "Will you wait for me there? I'm going to wake Ryuu-kun and tell him we're taking a little walk, just so he can take charge of things here."
"I…all right." Mitsuki was still confused, but she nodded. "I'll wait for you there."
"Then I'll be with you soon." As he watched his dark-haired classmate slip obediently through the trees towards the squad's water source, Juushirou felt a flicker of guilt stir once more inside of him.
I'm not a very nice person really, after all, am I, In'you?
There was no reply this time, however, and with a sigh, Juushirou returned to the tent, bending at Ryuu's side and placing his hand gently on his friend's shoulder. Though he had been sleeping soundly, at the touch the young Kuchiki was alert in an instant, casting his companion a quizzical look as he hauled himself into a sitting position.
"Taichou? Is something wrong?"
"No, nothing is. Just, I'm going to go down to the lake. I sent Mitsuki there to…for water from the spring, and I'm going to go…to help her. Will you…with everyone here…"
He faltered, feeling the lies stick against his tongue, but Ryuu nodded his head straight away.
"Of course. I should have mentioned last night that coming back here has meant we have no active provision for food or water this morning…but if you've seen it too, there is no problem. Kazoe-sensei's reiatsu is not here, after all – I imagine he has returned to the school, and for the time being, we are alone to provide for ourselves just as we would have been out by the river."
He gestured across towards the far side of the tent.
"There's a bowl from the mess hall still over there – if you want to take it with you."
"I will." Juushirou agreed. "Thank you, Ryuu-kun. We'll be back as soon as we can manage…all right?"
"Very well." Ryuu shrugged his shoulders. "You are, then, feeling quite recovered today from our adventure last night?"
"Much better than I did." Juushirou assured him. "I'm all right now, thank you. You needn't worry. My body's stronger than it was – it's shaken it off pretty quickly and I'm ready to go."
"Then good." Ryuu looked serious. "I do not know if there are dangers near the campsite or if there are not. But I do know that Mitsuki is not proficient with a blade, nor with attacking in any capacity. If you are full strength again now, I need not worry about her…it is, after all, my duty to watch over her whilst she is away from home."
"Yes, I know." Juushirou admitted, chewing down absently on his lip. "And we'll try not to be away too long."
Although now I'm feeling as though I'm betraying you too, as well as hurting her. I can't win, no matter what I do – but this has gone on long enough, and I must resolve it now.
He inclined his head to his classmate, hurrying across towards the tent flap and pausing only to pick up the weighty mess hall bowl on his way out. All in all, he reflected, their systems for gathering food and water had succeeded, and even the unexpected step of returning to camp early had not broken down their pattern of survival. Toutai had had few disagreements over either duties or rank and their team spirit had not been tested overly by the pressures of taking care of themselves – but Juushirou knew that had been at least in part because he had avoided the issue of Mitsuki and her confession of feelings the night of his fever.
Mitsuki was waiting not far from the lakeside, by the drinking water spring, and as he approached, she offered him a faint smile, coming to help him with the water vessel.
"Are we collecting water?" She asked softly. "I thought you said talk, but…"
"We'll do both, since Toutai are low on water." Juushirou said simply, indicating the foot of the spring and together they pushed the bowl into place so that the bubbling spray of water would fill it to the brim. "There. I had to tell Ryuu-kun something to explain why we were coming here – and I don't like to lie, so I thought I might as well make it the truth."
"Ukitake-kun." Mitsuki's eyes clouded and she eyed him for a moment, her expression troubled. At this, Juushirou sighed, then,
"I don't really even know how to begin with this." He admitted helplessly. "All I know is that I have to do something about it – but even I don't really know what."
"About…it?" Mitsuki looked blank. "What's it, Ukitake-kun? I don't understand – what's on your mind?"
Juushirou was silent for a long time, then his brows knitted together.
"To put it simply," He said slowly. "I think…the answer is you."
"Me?" Colour drained from Mitsuki's face and she stared at him in alarm. "What do you mean? What have I…?"
"It's not what you've done." Juushirou shook his head. "It's what I've done. To you, I mean. By being in this proximity…and it worries me, that it shouldn't be allowed to go further. Damage has already happened, and…"
"What you've done to me?" Mitsuki's brow creased in confusion. "But you've not done anything to me, Ukitake-kun. Why would you think that you have?"
"Every time I'm ill, it hurts you. Isn't that how it goes?" Juushirou said softly, and Mitsuki sighed, slowly nodding her head.
"Yes." She said unwillingly. "But that's not your fault. It's because I can't control the healer's instinct – because I'm not able to train as a healer right at the moment, and so I…I find it hard to stop that from happening. It doesn't mean that you've hurt me, but…"
"I have, though." Juushirou cut across her, shaking his head as he struggled to put his thoughts and feelings into words. "You probably didn't realise it, Edogawa-san, but the night that I was fevered – the night I fell in the river – I heard you and Ryuu-kun talking. You thought I was sleeping – but even when I'm fevered, I often don't sleep that deeply. I hear conversations, and I pick up things from them. So I heard you. Both of you. And the things you said."
Mitsuki's cheeks flushed pink at this, and she lowered her gaze, unwilling suddenly to meet her classmate's eyes.
"Oh." She whispered, and Juushirou nodded his head.
"I'm sorry." He said frankly. "Because I didn't mean to do anything like that to you…and I had no idea…that I even had. Not even when I knew you were affected by my haibyou…I didn't really think it all through."
"But Ukitake-kun…"
"That you'd be talking about turning away from your Clan – even your family – those are big deal decisions, you know. And I wouldn't forgive myself if you made them on my account."
Mitsuki's head shot up, dismay in her grey eyes at this, but Juushirou was in full flow now and did not give her a chance to speak.
"I'm sorry that I've warped things to such a degree and I wish I could shut it off – the haibyou, or at the very least, the way my haibyou impacts on your or on other people." He said quietly. "No matter how much I try, it always has some effect on someone, and in the end, it hurts them too, just like it does me. But it's my battle to fight. It isn't yours and I want you to stop worrying about me. Even if I'm ill sometimes – I'm not weak. I can fight against it. And I'm all right."
"Ukitake-kun, do you really understand what a healer is?" Mitsuki's question was soft-spoken, and Juushirou sent her a startled look. She sighed, twisting her fingers together as she pieced together her thoughts.
"Someone who helps other people to get well, even at risk to themselves." Juushirou answered at length, and Mitsuki nodded.
"Yes." She acknowledged. "But it's more than that. It's not a choice – none of it is any more a choice than you chose to have haibyou or to be ill so often as you are. My instincts are born into me. I am a healer, not a fighter – that's how I am and it won't change. My Clan are the ones who really don't understand that – if I make drastic decisions, it will be because of them, not because of you."
Juushirou sighed.
"I heard you say to Ryuu-kun, though, that you wanted to be there to help me – to find a way to help stop it, when I was in pain." He said slowly, and Mitsuki nodded once more.
"Of course. Why wouldn't I feel that way? More than anyone else here, I know what you go through. And more than anyone else here, I feel helpless when you do. Of course I want to help you. That's part of being a healer too."
"The instinct to mend people's broken bodies." For some inexplicable reason, Juushirou felt as though all the air had been punched out of his lungs at her simple, even response. "That's what it is, in fact, isn't it? An uncontrollable urge to take care of people – regardless of the consequences for you or those around you. That's what being a healer is, in the end? To reach out and stop people's pain – to the exclusion of everything else?"
"I don't really understand what you mean." Mitsuki frowned. "Yes, I feel that way – it overwhelms me, and I can't block it out. But…"
"Then I think you should keep your distance from me from now on." Juushirou cut across her once again. "Because I don't like it, Edogawa-san…I don't like being a burden on other people and particularly not on those who are immediately around me."
"Keep…my distance?" Mitsuki was horrified. "But…why? I never said you were a burden – did I? You're my friend, Ukitake-kun! If…if you heard my conversation with Ryuu-kun, you'll know more even than that! Why would you want me to keep away – why would you think I'd ever want to? You're important to me – why would you want to stop me from helping you?"
Juushirou was silent for a moment, then he turned, meeting her gaze with a level, unemotional one of his own.
"Because I have pride too." He said quietly, his tones even and soft, yet only just masking the genuine pain that lurked beneath them. "I may be sickly, and I may have bad days when I'm ill and tired and in pain. But even so, they're a part of the me I've always been. I don't need anyone to take care of me – if I did, I wouldn't be here like this, fighting to become a Shinigami like I am. I don't want that kind of friendship, in the end. I don't want to be simply a healer's patient – or project."
Mitsuki stared at him, dumbstruck, and Juushirou's heart clenched as he saw tears beginning to run down the young girl's cheeks.
"Kyouraku-kun always says that you can be stupid." She said softly, her voice trembling under the force of her pent up emotions. "But you heard me talking to Ryuu, so you know how I really feel. I care about you and I have done since the time we first met. Why would you consider that to be anything other than what it is?"
Juushirou offered her a slight, bitter smile.
"How do you know it isn't your healing wits confusing you and making you think something that isn't really true?" He countered. "I'm not foolish, Edogawa-san. In the end, I understand better than anyone what and who I am. I'm the child with the Ukitake curse. I have a condition that makes people shy away from me – I look strange because my hair turned white and because I'm thin and pale and scrawny, compared to everyone else."
"Don't be stupid." Mitsuki snapped out, startling him with her sudden and uncharacteristic sharpness. "Of course it's not like that! I know my own mind as well as you know yours – don't assume that you know me better than I know myself! It's not up to you who I can and can't fall in love with, or to judge what level my feelings are based on your own insecurities. I've never looked down on you – and I've never pitied you, either. But sometimes Kyouraku-kun is right, Ukitake-kun. Sometimes you really are completely stupid. And the saddest thing is, you don't even know that you are."
She dashed away her tears, but more fell, and Juushirou clenched and unclenched his fists, aware of the uneven swirl of reiatsu beginning to penetrate once more through his shattered senses.
She had never spoken to him like that before. Soft-spoken, gentle Mitsuki, who had always retired from the spotlight and kept her opinions to herself…but then, in that moment, he had recognised it within her, too. The Kuchiki pride that characterised Ryuu – even in his unconventional healer classmate, that pride burnt strong and true.
He gathered his wits, again berating the fact he had not had Shunsui's advice to call on before embarking on this conversation.
"Even if you were sincere, there are far too many complications." He said at length. "And those being as they are, it would be better, don't you think, to assume that your interest in me is as a healer and as nothing else? There's absolutely nothing to be gained from associating yourself with me – nothing at all, because I have absolutely nothing to give you except more trouble and bad dreams. So in the end, its better that you do as I say. Even if you think I'm stupid or imperceptive, in the end you'll have to see I'm right. You and I aren't from the same world. And if I'm warping your world – I don't need to be a part of it."
"Nobody ever said you were!" Mitsuki protested, tears flooding her cheeks now as she lost the battle to keep her feelings in check. "Nobody ever said anything of the sort, Ukitake-kun! You're an Academy student. I'm an Academy student. We're friends and I want to help you. Not because I pity you, but because we're friends! At least, I thought we were friends! I thought that was how it was…and I've never asked you for anything except to be your friend!"
Juushirou took a moment to get a hold of himself, then he crossed the grove towards her, resting her hands on her shoulders and meeting her tear-flooded eyes with his own pained ones.
"My curse is a real curse, Edogawa-san." He said softly. "Even though I hate to call it that, that's what it is. Nobody in my family who's had it has ever lived far beyond thirty years. If they have married, they've only produced trouble and death. Their children have been poisoned and have always died in infancy. Their partners have always suffered terribly from the burden of living with someone so chronically weak. My family has always been held back by haibyou. No matter how much it tries to move on – the scars are always going to be there."
"But…" Mitsuki faltered, but Juushirou shook his head.
"My mother died because she wanted to save me. My father did, too." He continued. "Already my illness has caused my family irreparable damage. Every year I live – I don't know whether this will be my last summer, or my penultimate, or just one of many more to come. I've never known the answers to those questions, and because of that, I know that it isn't possible to truly love someone like me. Even if you think you do – you're mistaken and you'll only suffer for making that mistake. In the end, most people who commit to those like me want to take care of them, not to love them. I've read it, time and time again, in the annals of my family. I have never seen a cursed Ukitake bring happiness to the rest. That's why I left home. That's why I came here. That's why I agreed to become part of Genryuusai-sensei's work. But even if everyone here is working towards the Gotei – I don't know, yet, if I'll ever make that mark. Sensei believes I can, but even he can't know for sure. I'm already living on borrowed time. Why would I want to drag anyone else in with me, just to make them suffer alongside me and grieve when I'm gone?"
"Ukitake-kun." Mitsuki's anger was gone in a moment, and she stared at him in disbelief as slowly he loosened his grip on her, turning back towards the now overflowing bowl of water that sat forgotten beneath the spring.
"If you understand, you'll do as I say." He said quietly, not trusting himself to look at her. "Until camp ends, there's nothing to be done about it. But once it does…then please, for your own sake as much as anything else. Stop worrying about me. Hate me, if you like. But don't get dragged down with me. Because I won't have you make the mistake that other people have made. And I won't have you sacrificing your family and your future because you've been around me. As your friend, Edogawa-san…I won't let that happen."
There was no reply, and for a moment Juushirou thought that his classmate had gone back into the forest towards the campsite. Then, as he bent to move the water vessel from its resting place, he heard her voice again.
"Why did your mother save you, Ukitake-kun?" She asked softly, her voice full of pain yet determined and resolute as it cut through every one of his raw senses. "Why did your father? To live your life, or to run away from it?"
He turned his head to stare at her, and she swallowed hard, wiping her eyes as she fixed him with an obstinate, undeniably Kuchiki glare.
"If you live your life just waiting for death to claim you, then you should be pitied." She continued stolidly. "And if that's how you feel, then I do pity you. Because in the end, you're the one who doesn't understand."
With that she turned on her heel, disappearing back into the woodland, and Juushirou sank back onto the ground, burying his head in his hands as he struggled to calm down. Inside of him, he could feel his spirit power surging and fluctuating uncertainly as his emotions cut through his body, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath into his lungs as he fought against the urge to cough.
That was the first time Mitsuki ever looked like Ryuu-kun. The first time I ever saw her as a true Kuchiki-hime. The first time…and probably the last.
To his surprise, tears pricked at his own eyes, but he forced them back, stubbornly getting to his feet and glancing at the metal bowl.
Alone, then, I guess. That's probably better, anyway. I can manage it…and after that, I don't think…well, she won't really want to help. Now, or ever again.
He bent to pick up the bowl, but as he did so, a charge of electricity shot through his body, clattering through the metal of the container and prickling through the water inside. Juushirou gasped at the sudden jolt of power, for although it had come from somewhere within him it had been completely unexpected, and he fell back onto the ground with a hard thud, dazed and confused by the momentary flash of power.
Slowly he raised his hand to his line of sight, taking in the faint charring across the tips of his fingers.
Did I…do that? Was that…something from inside of me?
He frowned, lowering his hand to the ground and staring up at the sky as he fought to regain his composure.
Then…what does that make me? In the river, I fought against the water and I won. Last night, a storm – a storm I could have caused? And now…what was that? Because I fought with Edogawa-san…was that why? Like when I shouted at Chihiro, my spirit power pushed her back…now, because I fought with Edogawa-san…is my power really at that uneven a place that just something like this can make it flare out?
"Your power is storm and sea, Juushirou. You lack control yet, that is all."
In's voice broke through his thoughts once more, and he sighed, closing his eyes.
"You said stupid things and you hurt her feelings. No wonder you feel out of sorts - you brought it on yourself."
That was You.
"You tell me what I'm supposed to do about it?" Juushirou demanded bad-temperedly, speaking out loud and not caring who heard him. "Instead of always criticising, You, you tell me how I'm meant to handle things like this? She's too close to me – I'm causing her harm. It can't stay like it is, so I did the only thing that I could do. It doesn't mean it's what I wanted to do. But in the end, I had no choice."
"I suppose, if you seek a lonely life, all those around you should be similarly discarded, then." You suggested facetiously. "Since you can't know when you might hurt someone else – surely you should keep them all at arm's length?"
"I…"
"Or is it something more, when it comes to that one?" You challenged him. "She's a Kuchiki – she has the same root blood you do, running through her veins. But she isn't like you – she couldn't be more different. And you understand that – and so you push her away. You think she can't understand you – or you're afraid that you know she already does."
"You, enough." In's scolding brought relief to Juushirou's battered heart. "He's shattered enough already, let him be."
"Things like that should not be allowed to get in the way of his progress." You said firmly. "Adolescent or not, we have too much work to do."
"In'you…"
Juushirou paused, then,
Tell me something. One thing, and then I won't ask anything more.
"What's bothering you, Juushirou?" In asked gently, and Juushirou sighed.
You mentioned your 'other name', once or twice before. That other name…is it something you can tell me now?
"No. Not yet." You responded, before In could say a word. "You are getting closer – but you are not yet at that stage."
"But if you were to keep working hard, Juushirou, you will get to that point." In assured him more gently. "You are not far away…you should trust us, and let us guide you. If you do, then we can help you a lot more than we do now."
More silence, then,
At home, you spoke about there not being time – and danger being around me. I didn't ask then, not really. And I'm almost afraid to ask now. But after last night…I have to. So even though I said that would be my only question – I hope you'll allow me another. Then, I wondered…if there was something that was threatening the people around me. Something I could do. Something I might be able to stop. But it wasn't that, was it? In the river, I had my power released – and even though I've healed, it's not been the same. Little by little, it's eating away at me. And then, just now – even now, that was my power, wasn't it? Like the storm that raged when I was born – it raged again last night. An indication that my power… flickered out of my control again.
"And your point is what, exactly?" You asked. "It sounds to me as though you understand quite clearly how things are."
Juushirou swallowed the unpleasant taste in his mouth, then,
You meant my body, didn't you? That at this rate, the thing that will run out of time…will be my body. What you said about my physical strength and it being an illusion…that's what you were trying to tell me. Edogawa-san and Ryuu-kun have been trying to tell me it, too. People like me don't have a long life expectancy – and mine…mine is beginning to run out on me. The storms that happened when I was born…the ones my mother suppressed…they're starting to return. Aren't they? If I don't learn to control this spirit power, more than ever before…
He faltered, fear gripping a hold of him as he realised the true implication of what he had just reasoned out.
I'm dying, in short. Maybe I always have been – maybe I've always known it but my reiryoku really is too much for my body. Mother gave her life to prevent it, the first time. But I can't have that happen again – and in the end, that's the real reason why I had to push Edogawa-san away. Because, with her untrained healer instincts she…might try…and do what Mother did. And I don't want her…I don't want her to be hurt. Sensei warned me last summer about putting those around me in danger…even more now than I did then I start to really see what he meant.
"Neither In nor I have any plans to let you die, Juu-kun." You's voice softened, and Juushirou took some comfort in his fatherly warmth. "We decided that when we first came to be inside of you, and we're just as sure of it now. Your physical strength has always been a problem, but there are and there will always be potential solutions. Right now, to learn our name would kill you outright. You haven't reached that point yet and it can't be rushed. But from hereon in, if you keep working hard – you will learn it."
And if I learn it?
"Then you will most likely live."
I see.
Juushirou pulled himself into a sitting position, letting out his breath in a rush as he raised his gaze to the sky once more.
In that case, I suppose I haven't got a choice, have I? I'll listen to you. Both of you. From here on in, I intend to stop relying on others to save or protect me. This time…I'm going to fight for my own life. This time, I won't let anyone else get hurt!
"Well, I suppose we survived it."
As Katai stepped out of the Senkaimon, Enishi stretched his arms over his head, a grin of triumph on his features. "In the end, it wasn't really much of a challenge at all, was it? Surviving in the wilderness by ourselves. Piece of cake."
"Only because we had Kai with us." Shunsui returned the grin, clapping his hand down on Kai's shoulder. "Him and his outdoor survival expertise. Thanks to that, we all learnt a lot of things about existing with nothing but ourselves to rely on."
"Basic Shihouin training." Kai said frankly, though there was a glitter of pride in his golden eyes. "And that was the point, wasn't it? To work together and bring our skills into the equation to survive. We did that pretty well, in the end."
"Do you think Toutai are already here?" Sora ran up to join them. "We're all being recalled through that Senkaimon thing, aren't we? Because I don't see any others around."
"Mm, they're here." Naoko nodded her head. "I can feel Mitsuki's reiatsu - she's nearby. They must've come back before us."
"Early rising, again." Iwai reflected, and Shunsui frowned, shaking his head.
"I think they came back last night." He admitted. "Don't ask me why, I just do."
"Why would they do that?" Sora looked surprised. "Kazoe-sensei said we were being recalled to camp this morning. They wouldn't recall Toutai early...would they?"
"Something happened last night, for sure." Kai frowned. "I'm sure that's what Kyouraku's referring to, since I felt it, too. A swirl in the atmosphere - felt like some kind of spectral storm or...well, that sounds weird, but something like it. I don't know what, but it came from the direction of the river."
"What the hell were they doing in that damn river?" Naoko grimaced. "I'm going to rip apart Ukitake-kun and Kuchiki-kun if anything happened to Mitsuki in the meantime."
"Calm down, Shikibu." Enishi said quickly. "You said you could feel her reiatsu, didn't you? Then she's here and she's okay. Besides, Ukitake isn't the kind to do anything to hurt anyone - and Kuchiki's her cousin. You're overreacting."
"Maybe." Naoko's eyes narrowed. "But there's something not right about it, and that's all I can tell you. If they came back last night...well, something must have happened. And I mean it, Houjou-kun. If anything happened to Mitsuki because Sora and I weren't with her..."
Before she could finish her sentence, however, the bushes parted to reveal the subject of their conversation, and Sora let out an exclamation as she registered her friend's tear-stained cheeks and clouded expression.
"Mitsuki! What in hell happened to you?"
"See? I knew it." Naoko clenched her fists. "Who was it, Mitsuki-chan? Who made you cry this time? Tell me, and Sora and I will sort them out for you."
Mitsuki did not reply, merely staring at Naoko for a moment. Then she sniffed, swallowing hard and stumbling forward towards them. Without a word she flung herself on a startled Shunsui, who could do nothing but stop himself from falling headlong at the sudden, unexpected additional weight.
"Kyouraku-kun?!" Naoko sounded scandalised, and Shunsui winced, knowing that if looks could kill, most probably he'd be stretched out on the ground by now.
"What's this about, Mitsuki-chan?" He asked gently, somehow managing to disentangle the sobbing girl's grip as he held her at arm's length. "This isn't like you - is someone hurt?"
Mitsuki shook her head numbly, words beyond her, and at the distress in her grey eyes, Shunsui frowned.
Although she had not said it, somehow he knew that this had something to do with Juushirou.
"Shunsui, what the hell are you doing to Mitsuki now?" Sora demanded, and Shunsui turned, shrugging his shoulders.
"I'm as surprised as you are. Obviously she can't bear to be parted from me." He said lightly, patting Mitsuki gently on the head as she gazed at him uncomprehendingly. "There there, Mitsuki-chan. It's all right. We're all together again now."
"Please." Naoko snorted. "The girl's upset - she obviously has no idea where she's going or what she's doing. Let go of her and stop trying to play Casanova. If something's happened to upset her, it should be Sora and I who take care of her."
"N..no." Mitsuki managed a word at that point, shaky and uneven but clear as she shook her head. "It's...okay. Naoko-chan. Th...thank you but...I c...I d...I n...need to t...talk to K...Kyouraku-kun."
"To Shunsui? And not us?" Sora was startled, and Mitsuki nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. "But only...to...Kyouraku-kun."
Shunsui frowned, realising his initial suspicions had been correct. He sighed, nodding his head.
"All right." He agreed at length. "Kai, take the rest of Katai and report. If Sensei asks where I am, tell him I'm...doing something unavoidable but extremely important and if he wants to dock me points for it, then he can. I'll catch up with you as soon as possible - I'm relying on you, okay?"
"Okay." Kai looked surprised, but he nodded his head. "You heard the Captain, everyone. Follow me. We're going to report."
"But...Mitsuki..." Sora faltered, glancing back at her friend, and Kai shook his head.
"Captain's direct order." He said frankly. "Come on, Sora. We're all going. It's not as though he's going to hurt the kid - have a little faith in him for once and do as he says."
"Thank you, Kai." Shunsui frowned, then took Mitsuki gently by the arm, leading her away from the rest of the group.
Thank God for a Vice Captain who acts and doesn't ask questions. Even if he asks them later, he had the sense not to do it then. And right now, I have enough of my own without dealing with other people's.
Once they were out of earshot, he cast his classmate a quizzical look.
"That;s unusual, you know, Mitsuki-chan. That you'd come to me, and not to Sora or Naoko. Is this something you really can't tell them? Or something you think I should know?"
"B...both, maybe." Mitsuki took a shuddering breath into her lungs, and Shunsui realised that she was shaking, her face pale even despite her light Kuchiki complexion. He frowned, pursing his lips.
"This has something to do with Juu, then, doesn't it?"
"Mm...mmm." Mitsuki sank down onto the grass, burying her head in her hands, and Shunsui dropped down beside her, casting her a quizzical look.
"And that's why me?"
"Yes. S...sorry."
"It's all right. If you're worried about something, I'll listen." Shunsui settled himself more comfortably. "Something happened last night, then, with Toutai? And you came back here then, instead of now?"
"Lightning struck our camp, and set it on fire. Kazoe-sensei had to put it out." Mitsuki raised her head, and Shunsui found himself beginning to feel cross that his friend had caused the girl to look so hopeless and folorn. "For that reason, he sent us back here last night instead of this morning."
"Was someone hurt?"
"No. Nobody." Mitsuki shook her head. "What h...happened...is this morning. I dont...know if...it's connected to last night or not. Just...I can't...Naoko and Sora will think...they'll do something and...well..."
She sighed heavily.
"I'm not making sense." She realised. "But you know...I think...about Ukitake-kun. And how...I...am with him."
"Yes. It's not hard to see." Shunsui agreed. "But Naoko and Sora know too, don't they?"
"Mm. But...they'll get c...cross with him. And I don't want that." Mitsuki ran her fingers through her thick dark hair. "Because...in the end...I know he w...wasn't being truthful. And yet...I know...he was."
Shunsui looked at her for a moment, then he shrugged his shoulders.
"Start at the beginning." he instructed. "What happened this morning to make you like this? What did Juu say or do that upset you - tell me as much as you can."
Slowly and unsteadily Mitsuki choked out the details of the lakeside conversation, and as she went on, Shunsui's eyes widened.
"He told you to keep away from him?" He demanded, only just remembering not to shout, and Mitsuki nodded.
"Because he thinks...my concern for him...is pity. And he...w...wants to protect me from being hurt." She whispered. Shunsui groaned, clapping his hand to his forehead in frustration.
"And he doesn't think that sending you into floods of tears is hurting you? Yeesh, he's worse than I thought. I knew he had zero experience with women, but even so...he's excelled himself in the idiot department this time. I'm sorry, Mitsuki. I didn't realise he wasn't ready to socialise on his own yet."
Despite herself, a faint smile touched Mitsuki's lips.
"I thought you'd understand better than anyone else because you know Ukitake-kun best of all." She admitted, twisting her hands together. "He did hurt me. A lot. But I knew...when he said it...that he was lying to me. I can tell...when he does. He's bad at it, after all. And he didn't...really want me to go away. So...but...the other things he said."
She sighed.
"Those he believed." She whispered. "That he was cursed, and that he...might not live to see graduation. And to be honest, Kyouraku-kun, I'm aware of it too. That he's changing. I thought, at first, maybe he was just getting stronger. But now...you know, don't you, that he went into the river to save Hirata, even though he can't swim? Ryuu-kun said you came to check on him, even if you didn't speak to us. Something happened then. It hasn't settled back since that night and now...I don't know. It seems as though...he's more unstable. That maybe his spirit power is masking his true weakness. And he knows...more than even I'd realised. That he...might not be able to fight it off forever."
Shunsui fell silent for a moment, digesting this. Then,
"So he pushed you away, because he's afraid your healing skills will lead you to do something reckless - or because he's afraid you'll come to pity him rather than respect him." He said softly. "And idiot as he is, it's a logical conclusion for him to make. He's always been protected, after all. By people who made huge sacrifices for him to keep living. That's just proof in my mind, Mitsuki. He cares as much about you as you care for him. Because, stupid as he's been, he's trying to put a barrier between you. So that he doesn't sacrifice someone else who means something to him."
He sighed, shaking his head as if to clear it.
"He hasn't spoken to me in that plain a way." He admitted. "So probably he hoped he wouldn't have to. He's bad at it, you know. He's open and honest about all kinds of things, but when it comes to his own mortality...not so much. He doesn't like telling people when something is worrying him. It's just something that's built into him, I think...even though it's infuriating, he probably thinks he's acting for the best. He hasn't even thought how you might feel about it."
"I don't feel sorry for him." Mitsuki said softly. "I admire him and I have from the start. He fights against the conventions and carves out his own life and future, regardless of his status or his health. He makes me realise how dependant and clingy I've been on Clan protection for a long time. So I...I've almost made up my mind that if he can do that, so can I. I can admit to being a healer and accept Retsu-sama's offer of training, even if it makes my family cross. But he overheard that, and I think, he misunderstood it. It's not because of him that I've started to think that way. It's just that because of him I've found the courage to assess my own situation and make the decisions I was afraid to make before. I am a healer, and I have to be true to myself. That's all. It's not something he's done. It's just the way I am."
"Right now, I'd quite like to bash his head against a tree or two." Shunsui admitted. "You're very forgiving, Mitsuki-chan, considering what he said to you. I know a lot of girls who wouldn't even want to speak his name again after that kind of a conversation."
"But like I said, he was somewhat lying to me." Mitsuki twisted a blade of grass idly between her fingers. "And also...when he talked about death...I felt something else. He's afraid of it, Kyouraku-kun. And that upset me most of all. He's afraid and alone and going through something he doesn't understand. But he pushed me away to protect me...and I don't know how to overcome that."
"In short, hes making you suffer, and making himself suffer more by making you suffer." Shunsui groaned. "Maybe I'll go back to the mountain and hide out in the cave a while longer. Honestly, it never rains but it pours, does it?"
"I'm sorry to bring you into it." Mitsuki looked guilty. "But I didn't want to tell anyone else what Ukitake-kun said...about his curse. I didn't think that would be right. And...and you are his friend. My friend too, I think. So I hoped...you'd understand best."
"I am your friend, Mitsuki." Shunsui offered her a grin. "His too, idiot though he is. And to be honest, there's nothing more that I'd like to see than the two of you breaking convention and doing what you choose to do. He's too dense to know, but if he likes you this much, he really should learn to capitalise."
"He doesn't think...it's possible...for someone to love him that way." Mitsuki said hopelessly. "That something...in his family records...I don't know. But that's the conclusion he's come to."
"He's said it to me before, but he's obviously wrong." Shunsui sighed. "And he's stubborn, so he'll cling onto the wrongness for a long time before he realises his mistake."
He got to his feet, pulling her up with him and fumbling at his obi for a rumpled hankerchief. He handed it to her, offering her a grin as he did so.
"Here. It's a bit late, since you've already cried yourself out, but at least it's better than not at all. It is clean - if spring-washed - so you needn't worry about that."
"Thank you." Despite herself Mitsuki grinned, taking it and folding it between her fingers as she carefully dried her eyes. "You're a kind person too, Kyouraku-kun. You just like to tease people more than Ukitake-kun does. Maybe if you didn't...more people would realise how kind you are."
"That's a big compliment I'm not sure I fully deserve." Shunsui winked at her. "It's more a case that I can't leave a pretty girl crying hopelessly without trying at least to cheer her up. Even if she's a pretty girl who's in love with my dope of a good friend - old habits die hard."
He paused, then,
"I will be talking to Juu." He said more seriously. "But I think for the time being, it's better that you do as he says. Whatever is going through his mind at the moment, I'm not sure he's being entirely rational. If you're right - if his health is deteriorating - we shouldn't be complicating things for the time being. No doubt if it's to do with his spirit power, that cunning old devil Yama-jii already knows all about it, so it may well be in hand. But just in case it isn't...Mitsuki-chan, will you promise to leave it in my hands?"
Mitsuki hesitated for a moment, then, slowly, she nodded her head.
"More than anyone else, I think Ukitake-kun trusts you." She admitted. "So...all right. I will. But please...if you can...tell him that I'm not here to feel sorry for him. In comparison to him, I'm the weak and feeble one after all. Even knowing what he goes through...I couldn't."
"I'll do my best." Shunsui reached across to ruffle her dark hair. "So try not to worry. Clean yourself up and go back to camp. I'll tell Sora and Naoko that it was something specific relating to me and some private matter of my own, so they won't ask questions or jump on Juu about upsetting you. Leave things with me, and I'll deal with them somehow. Even if I have to batter sense into him personally."
"But you said...that we shouldn't..."
"I said we shouldn't complicate things. Not that I shouldn't give him a good whack with my asauchi and see if it kickstarts his common sense reflex." Shunsui said acidly. "But for now I'm hungry, and want my breakfast. And, people will be wondering where we are and what we're doing. So for now, we'll go back to the others. And, for now, try to act like everything is as it was before."
"I'll try." Mitsuki took a deep breath into her lungs. "Ukitake-kun isn't by the spring any longer, so I...I'll go and clean myself up. Thank you, Kyouraku-kun. You've helped...having someone to talk to helped."
"Well, try not to break your heart too much." Shunsui eyed her affectionately. "In Juu-speak, this is tantamount to a confession of love, after all. He's too stupid to see it, but it's pretty clear to me either way. Don't take it personally. He doesn't mean to be such a clumsy oaf."
Mitsuki offered him another faint smile, then she was gone, and Shunsui let his breath out in a rush, muttering as many curses as he could think of under his breath as he remembered the pained look in the younger girl's eyes.
Mitsuki's sensitive, Juu - you really are stupid. Yet even so, she's willing to forgive you and worry about you. A girl who loves you that much and you can't even see it...
He rubbed his temples, as for the briefest of instants, Saku crossed his mind.
You really have no idea what you have and you won't know until it's not there, at this rate. Clan or District - that's irrelevant. What matters is much more than that. And if you are as sick as all that...if you are trying to patch yourself up somehow on your own...how can anyone call you even vaguely intelligent, when you do things like that?
He set off up the pathway towards the camp, but as he drew closer, he paused, sensing out exactly where his friend was. As he did so, he realised that Mitsuki's appraisal had been right.
Raw and dark, just like it was the night you faced down that Hollow and saved my life. The night you did damage to yourself and the night I first realised you had more than just a nagging cough holding you back. You're being reckless, Juu. Your life is more precious than that - why do you never realise that there are people who are going to care about you whether you want them to or not?
"Kyouraku!" As he crossed the threshold of the camp, Kazoe descended on him, and he smiled sheepishly, bowing his head in apology towards the teacher.
"Where have you been? Your squad have been waiting for you." Kazoe demanded, and Shunsui shot him a rueful look.
"I'm sorry, Sensei. Please don't punish them for it. It was a whim of mine I had to follow up, and now it's done so I'm here." He said, somewhat confusingly. "It was...not a squad matter. But it's over now. I didn't mean to cause any inconvenience."
Kazoe eyed him for a moment, then sighed, shaking his head in defeat.
"You're lucky that Katai has a competent Vice Captain, or else we'd probably grade all of you down for it." He said warningly. "As it is, this time, I'll let you off. Go get your breakfast. Afterwards, we'll hear your reports."
"Yes, Sensei." Shunsui inclined his head again, then hurried off towards the mess tent, slipping in through the flap and moving to help himself to the bland, simple rice porridge that made up their morning meal. As he did so, his gaze flitted across the tent, taking in Juushirou with a pensive look on his face.
The District boy was pushing his spoon absently from one side of his bowl to the other, without actually bothering to eat the contents, and at this, Shunsui frowned.
Lovesickness, Juu? I've never seen anything else affect your appetite, no matter how sick you are. So that means your fight with Mitsuki at least made you feel bad - I should be glad about it, I suppose, but really you're just such a hopeless case.
He scooped up his bowl, making a bee-line for the empty seat opposite his white-haired friend. After so long apart, he realised Kazoe had not segregated the squads for this meal, and inwardly he was glad of it.
"Shunsui, where's Mitsuki?" Sora grabbed his sleeve as he passed and he turned, offering her a smile.
"It's all right. She went to wash her face - she's coming, don't worry. I didn't do anything to her."
"Is she all right?"
"Mm, I think so." Shunsui nodded. "But it's not something I can talk about - so we'll have to leave it at that."
He grinned at her, carefully detaching her grip with his left hand before heading across to the empty seat.
"Kyouraku-kun!" Hirata offered him a smile, and he grinned, setting his bowl down on the table with a nod.
"It's been a while, but I'm glad to see you all in one piece." He said glibly. "Figuratively speaking, at the very least."
"Figuratively?" Ryuu shot him a quizzical look. "What does that mean?"
"It means metaphorically, if not actually." Shunsui smiled at him sweetly. "I would have thought with all the books you read, Ryuu-kun, you'd know that."
"No." Ryuu snorted impatiently. "I understand the use of lexis. I was enquiring why you felt the need to say it."
"Well, to be honest, I say a lot of things without thinking about it first." Shunsui shrugged carelessly. "Most likely if there was a reason - it's long gone now."
He reached his spoon across to tap Juushirou on the hand.
"Aren't you even going to say hello, Juu-kun? I'm hurt - after almost a week apart, you don't even look up at my approach?"
"Shunsui?" Juushirou looked startled, then a sheepish grin crossed his tired features. "I'm sorry. Last night was...a bit crazy. I didn't get much sleep, all in all, so I'm out of it this morning."
"Mm." Shunsui frowned, registering that his friend's expression did not reach his hazel eyes. Then he nodded his head.
"After breakfast, then, I'd like to talk to you." He said simply. "If you don't mind - just us, before we get into reporting. Okay?"
"Just us?" Juushirou looked startled, then wary, and Shunsui nodded.
"Just us." He agreed. "So finish up as quick as you can and I'll see you outside."
Author's Note:
Angst Juu alert! Angst Juu alert! (pats him).