Flashback warning: Gore, blood, pain, it's really quite icky. Be warned.
Thank you for the holiday greetings: I had a great time in Rhodes! Plus planned out the plots for two more stories! Yay!
Sorry I didn't get back to all my reviewers; I will endeavour to do so this time!
Enjoy :D
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There is something that is the same in every species across the multiverse; healing takes time. To physically heal and to mentally accept what has happened.
There were times when Loki couldn't even understand his own mind. He didn't how to cope with company anymore and genuinely couldn't work out how to react to people when they came to see him. In a way it was the medic, Ragnar, whom he was most comfortable with, because the doctor was there with a purpose and kept any conversation strictly to Loki's physical recovery. The trickster knew where he stood there. Everyone else threw him completely.
Even having Tony around was confusing for him.
The initial burst of emotion of being freed from that hell and reunited with the man he loved had died down and left both of them awkward around each other. It had been seven years and even before that they had only seen each other twice annually. They hardly knew each other anymore.
There was something about Tony that had changed and Loki had begun to realise it. The man had always been so light hearted and carefree – even having a child hadn't slowed him down all that much – it had been part of his immeasurable charm. However, now there was…
Something.
He was quieter, slower, more cautious, more willing to listen. Older.
Loki didn't need his sight to feel the wrinkles and fine lines that hadn't been there when he had last seen the man. There was a disturbing sense of calm around the inventor where once there had been nervous energy and it was…well, Loki didn't like it.
And he had no idea how to address it. Was it simply that his memory of Tony was flawed? Had he turned the man into some sort of perfect ideal in his mind during those long years? Or had Tony really just changed over time? Neither option appealed.
And he didn't know what to say about it. Stilted conversations were awkward and silences were heavy. It seemed Tony didn't know what to talk about either anymore. There had been a time when the conversation had flowed so easily between them that getting either to shut up had been the key trick – a notorious example being their first meeting complete with infamous Window Incident.
It didn't help that his eyes weren't healing.
The trickster had been blinded before but the damage had never been this lasting. This time rather than repairing an injured eyeball the medics had to regrow both of them entirely and it just wasn't working. No-one had realised how complex the physiology in a Jötunn's sight was and beyond causing Loki a lot of unintentional pain Ragnar had yet to accomplish anything. Eir – the most experienced and arguably best medic Asgard had to offer – had examined the prince's eyes as well and although she hadn't said so it was quite clear that she was also at a loss as to how they should proceed.
Tony had at one point asked why she wasn't treating Loki herself to begin with, only for the trickster to sigh in exasperation and explain that Ragnar was more than competent and Eir was needed to run the entire infirmary not pander to the needs of one patient. As if Tony could have known that!
"Want me to read another book to you?"
It was an innocent and well-meaning question and it infuriated Loki.
"No."
"How about riddles? I totally almost had you with the television one."
"No."
"I know my singing isn't up to much but I've fashioned an MP3 out of my suit radio and we could listen to some music?
"No Stark."
Tony let out a sigh, nodding although Loki had no way of knowing the gesture. "Okay, sure. I can leave you alone for a bit then. Yeah?"
Loki wasn't even sure he knew the answer to that. Having someone with him was maddening and yet he was also quite certain that he didn't want to be alone either. He just didn't know what he wanted and that in itself made him want to scream in frustration.
He was free! Free and healing!
So why wouldn't his mind accept it?!
There was the touch to the back of his hand; not holding, just resting there. He had apparently left it too long to answer the question.
"I'll leave you to get some rest then." It didn't sound like the inventor was upset, just understanding and that – in some twisted way – made it all worse. The touch left and Loki heard footsteps reach the doorway before pausing. "And after all of this do me the courtesy of calling me Tony."
The door closed before Loki could reply. He turned his head to one side, biting down on the urge to call the man back.
He felt…
Well, there was the thing; he really didn't know.
For so long the only emotion the trickster had been able to feel was fear. Anger and hatred had left very early on in his captivity – both being far too big a waste of energy. Hope had held out for longer, but even that had died away in the darkness of the cell leaving him with nothing but pure blinding terror every waking moment of every day. It was a hard thing to let go of. Even now – weeks after his rescue – and he was still jolting awake in a flat panic, immediately expecting it to have all been a dream and to still be there.
It helped somewhat to wake up to feel Tony's hand in his own, or the inventor lying next to him in the small bed, but although that made the fear recede quicker it didn't help quash it to begin with. And the nightmares…
He rolled onto his side, ignoring the flare of pain brought on by the movement. In some strange way being in that hell-hole was far simpler than trying to recover. He knew where he stood with agony and terror.
The thought made him want to laugh and scream in equal measures.
See? This was why he was labelled the God of chaos. Only Loki could find such things amusing.
There was a knock on the door – too soft to be Tony – and it creaked open. Loki didn't have the strength left to sit up, but since he had rolled over to face the visitor's chair it was not of much consequence as his visitor approached.
"Oh my dear child."
The gasp left his mouth unbidden and if it weren't for the gently restraining hand that appeared on his shoulder he would have tried moving. "Mother."
Frigga didn't bother with the chair, instead sitting down on the mattress, her fingers running through Loki's hair.
"Oh look at you, my little one, what did they do to you?"
The tone of voice and the action were hauntingly familiar and soothing. Loki could remember countless times when he had over exerted his magic as a child and woken to the gentle fingers combing out his hair.
"I must look a sight to you."
"You are actually looking far better than when I last saw you." Frigga said gently.
"You have been in to see me before?" Loki hadn't been aware of that, although thinking about it logically it was hard to believe his mother hadn't come by to ask about his recovery.
"Of course I have, but you have usually been asleep, or your mortal has been with you." The gentle touched left his hair to cup his cheek.
Oh, that made sense. Not that Loki would have minded Frigga waking him or interrupting Tony. She was his mother after all. For a very long moment Loki didn't bother to say anything else, just lay there enjoying the transient feeling of safe.
"How is the pain? Are you feeling any better?"
"I breathe easier."
Frigga laughed softly and oh how Loki had missed that sound. "And there is an answer only you would give whilst still thinking it an answer. You are still in terrible pain."
"It is improving."
"Hence why I used the term pain, not agony."
Loki smiled at his mother's gentle reproof. Frigga was strong. So many parents would have broken to see their child so hurt, would have clung to them after so long apart. The queen of Asgard would not let herself do that. She knew that was neither what Loki wanted nor what he needed.
"I have missed you my little one. Asgard is a quieter place without your mischief."
"And probably much safer for its inhabitants."
"Much less interesting." The queen had never had a bad word to say against her youngest and it seemed that that was still the case.
"Not what the people say, I am sure."
Frigga's hand had gone back to Loki's hair, combing free the tangles. "None dare speak ill of you. Thor has made it very clear what happens to those whom insult his brother."
The huff of dry laughter caught in Loki's throat. "Brother. That he should still consider me that."
"You doubt his love?"
"I doubt his brains."
"Well, we have always known that you were the cleverer." He could hear the smile in Frigga's voice. "Oh I have missed our little talks, as I'm sure you can imagine. When we first lost you and thought you…"
Dead. They had thought him dead. He was aware of that; Thor had informed him all those many many years ago on that bleak hillside. And in all the time after he hadn't really given it much thought. After all, he had been caught up in everything with the Avengers, and then on the run from the chitauri. By the time he really had a moment to himself to stop and think, his supposed death was very far from his mind.
He hadn't considered how his family had felt. Infact, he had spat Thor's pain over his supposed death back in the thunder God's face. It had been too easy to mock his brother and scorn the thought of his father mourning than to face the reality that his mother had had to deal with his death.
His beloved mother and she hadn't even had a body to burn. No closure, no finality, just losing her child to an unknown grave. He had done that to her.
He had made her mourn.
"Mother…" Loki could hear his voice cracking slightly. "I'm so sorry…I didn't mean to…I never wanted…I'm sorry."
"I know, dear, I know." Frigga's arms surrounded him, the same warm comfort that had always been there, never faltered, never refused and that he had risked losing because of his own rash decisions. Loki felt a drop of moisture against his forehead and realised to his horror that it had been a tear.
"Mother…"
"I know you spoke with your father, but I am also well aware that he is not very good at expressing himself concisely." Frigga's voice was as steady as ever. "We all make mistakes in life, Loki. Everyone. Even Gods. I know you never intended for Thor to be banished, and I know that everything that happened after happened out of pain and fear. You didn't trust us and we put too much pressure on you." She sighed heavily. "You should never have had to find out the truth in such a manner. We always meant to sit down with you one day and talk it through; what did happen was…"
"A mistake?" Loki whispered bitterly.
"Yes. A terrible mistake on our parts. We failed you as parents then, and I will never forgive myself for it." Frigga's hand was shaking as her fingers resumed running through her son's hair. "Did you know, the very first time Odin placed you in my arms, I was terrified. He had returned from battle covered in blood, his eye torn out and telling me that he had found Laufey's child left for dead. I didn't realise what he meant until I saw that he held a bundle of cloth in his arms. You." She laughed softly. "I had never seen a Jötunn child before. In truth my only experience with children was with Thor and I did not know what to expect. Claws, teeth, snarling maybe, I really didn't know."
"And..?" Loki barely whispered the word.
"And you were beautiful, of course. Blue when Odin put you in my arms, and all the more incredible for it. You were fast asleep, this tiny face with a mop of black hair and fingers wrapped around the edge of Odin's cloak. I knew in that moment you were mine. I looked up at your father and he smiled and said that your name was Loki and that that you were now our son. Our son."
Frigga was smiling at the fond memory, and it was warm in her voice.
"I have always been so proud of you. I know you doubt this, but just think; you are the child we chose to have. We wanted you. Your species didn't matter, your blood parentage didn't matter, because we chose you to be our son. Maybe if we had told you your heritage sooner it would have been easier for you to understand this. You could have been proud of yourself."
Loki shook his head slightly, disbelief at the head of a well of painful emotions. "No matter the situation I learned long ago that self-pride is impossible when you are next to Thor in everything."
"Did you not ask yourself why you were never given the chance to try wielding Mjolnir?"
"I am the second born."
"You never needed it." Frigga felt Loki stiffen under her touch and sighed. "You remember well what Thor was like before Mjolnir. He was clumsy and could not control any of his strength, nor his control on the weather. The hammer was given to him as a means of channelling his power and centring him. You were always in control of yourself and never needed help in making the most of your power."
"I…" Loki was shaking. "I wish I'd known…"
"We should have told you. I am so so sorry, all of this could have been avoided with some simple home truths."
The gentle kiss to his forehead calmed the trickster down slightly and he managed to grab hold of one of the many thoughts racing across his mind. "If this had been avoided, I wouldn't have gone to Midgard and I wouldn't have my daughter."
It was one of the few thoughts that hadn't been tainted by the chitauri, if anything it had been a point of strength. No matter what they did to him, if it wasn't for meeting them in the first place he would never have come into contact with the Avenger's and later had his child.
Frigga didn't expand the subject of Evelyn – perhaps worried that Loki still stood by his decision not to let the girl near her grandparents. Instead she turned her attention to the other thing her son had gained throughout his troubles.
"You also wouldn't have your mortal."
"Tony. His name is Tony."
"I know. You didn't seem so sure of calling him that earlier."
Loki turned his face into the pillow with a groan. He hadn't wanted to be reminded of that slip up, although he had no doubt Tony would mention it again. "I did not intend to hurt his feelings like that."
"Is 'Stark' and insult to him then?"
"No it is just that…It is his family name. I never chose to use it until Evelyn was born. It was the first show of sentimentality between us; that I called him Tony."
"And you have stopped now?" Frigga sounded rightfully confused. Hell, Loki was confused.
"No! I…There was no reason for me to go back to calling him Stark. I do not know why I did, and I fear I upset him."
"How much have you spoken with him?"
"He's been here since I awoke-"
"And how much have you spoken to him?"
That really was the question. Those first few precious hours after Loki had regained his hearing had been filled with Tony quietly talking about how they had managed to find the chitauri base and how they reached it. Once Loki's voice had been returned conversation had petered out. Yes, they had exchanged words of love, but thing's just weren't…right.
"I do not know what to say." He finally muttered. "I try to talk of love, yet how can I be certain he is still the person I fell in love with? I want to speak normally again yet how can I talk about ordinary things when my mind is still so full of those horrors I faced?"
"Have you tried speaking to him of what happened to you?"
That made him physically shy away. "No. I do not wish to even think of that torture any more than I have to. The nightmares do a fine enough job of reminding me and Tony already does more than I could have believed simply by waking me from them and telling me that I'm alright. He does not need the added burden of knowing what it is I dream of."
"And have you told him that?" Frigga's tone of voice hadn't changed; a lulling almost hypnotic note.
"…No. I have not."
"Maybe you should." There was the gentle brush of lips to his forehead. "Your body is healing, Loki. It is time you started letting your mind do the same." The queen smoothed his hair back with a sigh. "I am afraid that I must go now, but I can return tomorrow if you wish?" At her son's nod she continued. "Think on what I have said – talking with your mortal, your Tony, will help more than you think and in more ways than one. I wish for the day when Asgard rightfully fears your tricks once more, and I believe this human can speed your recovery until such a time."
"I doubt Asgard will thank you for wishing my mischief upon her." Loki managed a small grin and heard his mother laugh.
"My dear child; Asgard doesn't have a choice in the matter." She patted his cheek fondly before rising gracefully. "I will see you soon."
Loki heard the door swing closed again and settled back against the pillows. He had missed his mother in the near twenty years he had been away from Asgard. However, as much as he wanted to just lie back and relax his body was complaining. Even now talking for so long and about such emotional matters was wearing. There was a fierce ache running down his back and the empty holes where his eyes should sit were stinging again.
Damn this infernal weakness! Loki felt that dark dread once more that he would never know what it was like to be free of pain. Free of fear.
Free of the unending tiredness…
Metal cuffs bit into his skin; wrists, thighs, elbows, ankles, a brace across his neck, a band pressing into his chest so that it made drawing breath difficult. They were tight enough to bite and draw blood, but the pain went unnoticed, negligible.
Loki twisted weakly, his movement held fast by the restraints. He couldn't move his head enough to see what was happening but he had felt the slice of a blade down his right flank, opening up a wound from the bottom of his rib cage to the top of his pelvis, a large square flap that was rolled back to expose the muscles underneath.
From there it was less easy to discern through the absolute agony what the monsters were doing. His scream was such a familiar sound to his ears that he vaguely wondered if there had ever been a time when he hadn't spent every moment shrieking in such a manner. The muscle layers were peeled back with an expertise the chitauri had gained over the long months of doing this and the organs beneath were discernible through the blood.
The pain was…exquisite. Loki could not recall ever feeling the like. It burnt through him erasing all thought and logic until all that there was left was the animal instinct of screaming. He couldn't plead with his voice taken from him, but the words spilled through his mind so fast that he didn't even really know what they meant any more.
No no no, please don't, please please please please.
A claw was running through the wound, following the path of a renal artery. The chitauri seemingly didn't have kidneys and appeared fascinated with the four that the Jötunn possessed. The artery led to one of the small organs and was pinched closed – there was no sense in allowing him to bleed to death after all.
Loki couldn't even scream as the scalpel carved deftly around the thin layer of fat that held the kidney in place, simply choking on the pain, almost physical in nature as it forced up his throat.
Please no…Please please no…
…
"Loki!"
The prince woke with a harsh gasp, his heart hammering a painful rhythm against his chest and terror clinging to him. There were hands gently holding his shoulders, grounding him and he reached up blindly to grasp the wrists.
"Loki, it's okay, you're safe, you're on Asgard and you're safe."
Voice. He knew that voice. That voice that meant everything was going to be alright.
"Tony…" He heard himself gasp out the name and the tenseness began to leave his body as he heard himself speak. He could speak. He wasn't dreaming if he could speak.
"Hey yeah, it's me. You're safe, okay? We're in the hospital – infirmary or whatever you call it – in Asgard. You're safe."
"Safe…" He released his death grip on one of Tony's wrists to run a shaking hand through his hair. "I was dreaming…"
"Yeah, I got that."
Loki felt the man shift angle slightly and the mattress dipped as Tony sat down next to him. He was shivering, and the thought that a nightmare had caused him to react in such a way was humiliating.
"Hey, you want to talk about it?"
It was the same question Tony asked each and every time he woke Loki from such a dream, and once again he received a curt 'no' for his troubles.
"Okay, sure thing."
Loki felt the man shift and the hand on his shoulder moved so that a warm arm could wriggle under his shoulders and loop around his back. He tensed for a moment – warring with himself as to whether he should accept the comfort. But then, what did it matter? Tony knew just how weak he was, just how fragile and useless. He leant back to feel his back resting against the man's chest and the arm snaked round to hold him round the waist.
"I hate this." His voice was a muttered hiss and he felt Tony tense.
"No one likes being ill or injured, Capricorn."
"You assume I speak of being ill."
The hold on his waist immediately loosened. "Well if you don't want me here you just have to say." Tony moved back and Loki grabbed for his arm, fingers grasping on empty air.
"No! I did not mean…" He felt the man stop moving. "I don't want you to go. I just…"
"You've got no idea what you want, do you?" The inventor's voice was soft, accompanied by a gentle touch to Loki's cheek.
"No. Nothing makes sense and I don't know what to do any more."
"I think right now the priority is just to get better."
"Oh yes, such a simple thing!" Loki snapped, pulling away again. "Just 'get better'! Stick a bandage on and everything will be fine, right Stark?!"
He heard the harsh intake of breath in reply. "Yeah. Yeah, okay, fair point."
The trickster could hear the tension in Tony's voice, the tightness as he tried to hold back what he really wanted to say. The man pulled away entirely, his warmth suddenly missing behind Loki's back.
For a long moment there was a very tense silence, heavy with exasperation and confusion.
"I'm sorry." Loki finally said shortly. "I know you're just trying to help." From the movement in the mattress he could guess that his companion shrugged in response.
"I can go and get Thor if you really don't want me here." The man said evenly. "He won't mind. Infact I think he'd like to spend some more time with you."
"I never said I don't want you here Stark."
"You haven't needed to."
Loki heard the man sigh heavily and wished that his sight was back – he needed to be able to see what his companion looked like, to see his expressions. He scrubbed an irritable hand across the bandages still covering his empty eye sockets. They were stinging again.
"I don't want you to go." The words were bitter and he hated having to say them. "Look, this is just…" He stopped and chewed his bottom lip, trying to find the words to express himself. "I'm lost. I am completely and utterly lost and I hate it. You say it's been seven years and I had no idea. It could have been days or centuries for all I knew. They did so much to me that…I just don't know myself any more. And no-one understands."
The last word was a harsh hiss and he felt Tony's weight shift on the bed again.
"Look, Stark, I'm just…"
"Angry."
The word was all the more unexpected because it wasn't at all how Loki thought he felt.
"I am not-"
"You're angry, Loki. And you're allowed to be." The firm assurance in Tony's voice stopped Loki's next denial, allowing the man to continue. "You don't think anyone understands, and maybe they don't, but there are some things that I do get. I've been locked away and hurt and neglected too. I know what it's like to think you're going to die every moment of every day. Not to the same extent, I know, but I understand what it's like afterwards."
The God's expression twisted in exasperation. "What do you think you understand, Stark?"
"That you're absolutely bloody furious with me." Tony said lightly. "You hate me because I couldn't save you sooner. Because I let them have you for so long."
"I don't hate you-" The words came out as a horrified gasp.
"Not truly, not fully. But part of you does right now, and that makes it all worse. You are so angry with me, and you don't want to be." He didn't sound at all like he held it against the prince. "Part of you wants to throw me out another window for not rescuing you sooner, and that thought makes you feel so guilty that you think you're going to be sick.
"You're embarrassed at having anyone see you like this, and that makes you angry too. You're scared to sleep because you know you will have nightmares. Every time the door opens you flinch – don't think I haven't noticed – because you still can't trust yourself to believe that it won't be one of them walking through it. You are tired and frightened and in pain and it all makes you so angry. And then you feel guilty.
"And there's all that going through your head all at once. No wonder you don't know what to do with yourself." Tony's hand gently cupped Loki's cheek, feeling the trickster shivering under the touch. "You've been tortured. They ripped away your dignity and shredded it infront of you. It still hasn't really hit home that you're safe, and you're frightened. And that's okay, that's natural and real and it's all okay. You're allowed to be confused. You're allowed to be angry. Nightmares aren't a weakness and there is nothing to be embarrassed about." The man's hand brushed back a stray lock of hair and Loki's breath hitched. "You're here, you're alive and you have no idea how strong that makes you."
"Tony…"
"You know, we puny mortals have a name for all of this. All this not-talking thing you're doing, and the emotions and nightmares and stuff. We call it PTSD; post traumatic stress disorder. And it's alright to have it Loki. Hell, I had it for long enough." Tony sounded like he was smiling slightly. "So, yeah. I don't know what you've been through and I don't know exactly what's going through your mind right now, but I do understand the emotions you're feeling and how confusing they are." He cupped his hand around the back of Loki's head, sifting his fingers through the tangled hair. "And I'm here to get you through it. Not because I've been made to, not out of some misplaced sense of duty but because I love you and I want you whole again. Can you understand that?"
Loki was trembling violently, incapable of speaking, but he nodded slightly under Tony's hand.
"Hey, come here." The man pulled him close and Loki's fists gripped the front of Tony's tunic like a lifeline. The God was taller than him, but slumped down into Tony's embrace so that the top of his head was tucked under the inventor's chin.
They had never really sat in such a position before but Tony was haunted by a sudden familiarity. The way Loki's shoulders shuddered through the silent sobs, the feel of his hair, the death grip that pleaded for Tony to just make it alright again. It was exactly the same way Evie clung to him when she was upset.
He rested his cheek on the top of Loki's head in the same way that he did with their daughter, figuring that the comfort methods for the child would probably work for the mother too.
"I've got you." Three simple words that meant so much in the right context. "I've got you."
Loki simply nodded again. "I know." His voice was tiny and it really didn't suit him. He took a very deep breath that shuddered as he let it out and his grip on Tony's tunic loosened ever so slightly. "Everything hurts and I'm tired of it."
"I'm sorry."
The God shuddered again and his voice dropped to a whisper. "They were taking my kidney."
"Pardon?"
"The nightmare you woke me from, my memory. They were taking my kidney." One of Loki's hands untangled from the cloth of Tony's tunic and slid down to hold against his own side. "Here."
Tony placed his hand on top of the trickster's, feeling Loki's pulse hammering against him.
"They cut in here." He guided Tony's fingers in a rough square around the area. "Peeled back the skin," He mimed the action. "Then cut through the muscle. My kidneys are quite deep so they had to slice in quite far." He drew their joined hands in a small kidney shape around the imagined wound. "The pain is…unusual when it so deep. There is a layer of fat that cushions my kidneys – similar to a human's – and they were so very precise as they carved around it." He traced the shape again, his voice steadier. "They pinched off the blood vessels," He nipped the skin through his shirt with two fingers. "Didn't want me to bleed out; they were always so careful about that. Then a couple of quick slices and they were lifting it out."
He raised their hands up, although his blinded gaze didn't quite manage to face the same direction.
"It's such a strange thing, to have something that was once inside you dangled before your eyes. For all the pain a kidney is very small." He demonstrated with finger and thumb. "Much smaller than what else they did."
"Do you want to tell me what else they did?"
Loki gently pulled away from the man's embrace to ease back against the pillows. He didn't let go of Tony's hand, however.
"Maybe it's time I tried to."
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Loki talked quietly for hours.
To begin with he had tried to keep his voice steady and his words rational, but after a while the story began running away with him. The words tumbled over each other as if they couldn't get out fast enough, full of pain and blood and fear. It was like opening the floodgates; once started he just couldn't stop.
At some point they had moved so that Tony lay next to the God, Loki's back pressed into his chest and an arm slung over the tricksters waist so that their fingers could tangle together. The closeness and warmth helped keep Loki aware of the here-and-now; he had never been warm unless the chitauri had decided to use a cauterising iron.
"I can't have any more children."
"What do you mean?" Tony kept his voice soft to match the broken little whisper.
"What they did to me…The healer said he doubts I will ever recover enough to be able to carry a child again." Loki sounded like someone had shattered him. "I know we never spoke about it, or…or anything but…"
But the possibility had always been there. A little brother or sister for Evelyn. Another mini Loki-Tony hybrid running around, all bright genius and sparky mischief and adorable. Tony couldn't deny that whilst he hadn't actively thought about having another child the idea had always been sort of…floating in the background. A possibility and maybe a bit of a wish.
"I'm sorry." He whispered hoarsely.
Loki shrugged slightly. "It is what it is. I can not change anything about it."
"I…saw the, you know, back where they were holding you, those…"
"You saw those monsters they made me birth."
"Monsters?"
Loki laughed brokenly. "They were certainly not children." He took a shuddering breath and pulled Tony's hand closer to his chest. "The first four were removed from me before they were full term. I believe the chitauri wanted to understand more about how my species develop their young, not that those things developed normally. The fifth I gave birth to." The thick ropes of scar tissue across his belly had been healed externally, but the phantom pain persisted. "It was…worse than anything else I experienced. The creature fought its way out and tore me to pieces in the process. It sliced its own umbilical cord and was dead by the time it was actually born, but it did more than enough damage."
"I saw the medical notes. It said the chitauri removed your uterus…"
"No, my reproductive system was simply ripped to shreds."
Tony had told himself that he was going to remain impassive and just let Loki get it all off his chest, but as bad as everything else had been, this was too much to hear. He was damned if he was going to unwrap his arms from around the god so battled back his nausea. The tears, however, were less easy to control.
"Tony, you're crying..?"
"You really expect me to be able to hear all of that and not cry?" Tony still managed to sound sarcastic despite the roughness in his voice. "God Loki, they practically destroyed you. How did…" He swallowed hard. "How are you still here? Still you?"
"You mean how didn't they break me?"
"Yeah, I guess."
Loki actually chuckled – a humourless and dark little sound. "They under-estimated me. You recall the simple glamour I used that hid my hermaphroditic nature? Once I realised that there was no escape as they caught hold of me during the fight I moved the spell."
"I thought your magic was blocked by their stuff."
"It was. I moved a spell, I didn't create a new one. I took the glamour and wrapped it around my mind instead as a protection charm." Loki shuddered. "When they had me the first time, before New York, they utterly broke me and I was not going to allow that again. This time my mind, my sense of self, was protected. Not fully, not perfectly, but enough. For the most part."
Tony tightened his arms slightly. "For the most part?"
"There was…a period of time – I don't know how long – when the spell was redundant. It matters little since I have no recollection of what happened during that time beyond the fact that it happened."
"What did they do?"
Loki didn't say anything. Instead a shaking hand gently guided Tony's fingers up to his head, running along the front of his scalp. The man frowned, uncertain what he was meant to be looking for under the long hair.
Then he felt it. A single bump of scar tissue, only the size of a pea.
"Loki…what…?"
The god simply drew his hand further along until his fingers found a second scar at an equal distance from the first.
And Tony knew.
He'd thought he had a good control over his stomach but it didn't prove to be the case now. Pulling his arms back he half rolled and half fell from the bed and scrambled to where a small bin sat in the corner of the room.
"Tony?" Loki was alarmed by the sudden motion but the sounds of retching told him exactly where the man had gone.
"Sorry. Sorry." Tony scrubbed a hand across his mouth. "You don't need this."
"Don't apologise." Loki let out a breathless little laugh. "It was a reprieve, of sorts, you know? For a few days I didn't know anything. Who I was, where I was or what was happening. It was…peaceful."
It spoke volumes about the situation Loki had been in that it made him consider a lobotomy a blessing. He rolled onto his back trying to search out Tony's position in the room as he heard the man climb to his feet.
"So…nothing else they did to you was fixed. Why did that wound heal?"
Loki ran his hand across the two scars. "I am not certain. I believe it was the spell, though. It was meant to protect my mind, and my mind can not be protected if it does not have a home in which to sit."
In other words; Loki needed his brain. Tony coughed again, making certain that his stomach was going to behave itself, then sat back on the edge of the bed.
"Shit." He rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Do you have any idea how amazing you are, Capricorn?"
"I lie here trussed up like an Egyptian Pharaoh long deceased and you think I am…amazing? Have you lost your wits after all these years?" The words could have been caustic – as his ones earlier were – but now Loki just sounded tired.
"No. You're amazing. You're here and alive and that's more than I could have ever ever hoped for." Tony found the God's knee under the covers and squeezed it gently. "I spent every day of all those years trying to find a way to get you back, and at the same time wondering hopelessly if you were even still alive. And then I thought that even if you were still alive was there even the slightest chance that you still knew who I was? That you were still you. And I couldn't really tell anyone those fears because they were all looking to me to be the one to tell them that everything was going to work. And I didn't know if it would."
"Did it work? Did you find this person you were looking for?" It was a quiet question and there was still something extremely disconcerting about the way Loki would try to look in the direction of who he was talking to, the bandage wrapped around his eyes making his expression surprisingly blank.
"Y'know what? I'm not sure."
The trickster turned away onto his side again, but Tony just shuffled up to sit beside him again.
"But then again, I don't think I ever really knew him, you know? Not really."
"Oh?" It had an acidic bite to it.
"Yeah. Y'see, we only saw each other twice a year." Tony said softly. "And we…weren't very vocal about how we felt for each other." He lent back against the headboard with a soft laugh. "The very first time we saw each other I blasted him onto his ass. That look on his face…Well, he got his own back by chucking me out of a window."
"And again with that wretched window…" Loki hissed. However, there was a hint of a smile in his voice.
"But that's the thing; there was this chemistry there the whole time." The man continued. His hand found Loki's shoulder and gripped lightly. "We started this…thing together. And it was excellent. All hot sex and stuff. I tell you; he was pretty awesome in bed." Loki made a muffled sound that could have been a snort and Tony grinned. "Oh yeah, he really was. And we were happy enough since we agreed that it was only sex and nothing to do with feelings what so ever and we had some good times.
"And then somehow we suddenly had a daughter and things got complicated. He couldn't risk staying so close any more. There were these things chasing him you see."
"Did that bother you?" The prince asked softly.
"Yeah. A lot. And for a long time I didn't know why." Tony smiled as Loki's hand crept up to hold onto the one on his shoulder. "At first I thought it was because of our daughter. I didn't like the idea of her not being able to know both parents. But after a while I realised it wasn't just that. It was…well…I don't know when exactly it happened, but I realised I loved him. I'd never been in love before and it was quite terrifying and so I just…never said anything. I figured maybe he'd just know. I was a coward."
"Did you ever think maybe he was a coward too?"
"It crossed my mind." Tony's finger's tightened on the God's momentarily. "But neither of us said anything, and that was fine. I rarely got to see him – twice a year – but for some weird reason it was enough. As long as I saw him it didn't matter."
"Why was he so special compared to everyone else?"
"I'm not sure. He was clever, sure, and seemed to know pretty much everything about everything but there was more than that." Tony shrugged slightly. "He was funny, and sarcastic, and understood the way I jumped from tangent to tangent. He was passionate about the things he cared for, and fiercely protected what was his own. And…there was trust."
Loki seemed confused by that word. "Trust?"
"Yeah. I trusted him. He could have killed me with a flick of his hand, and I never once feared for my life while we were together. And he trusted me too; which no one had really done before. He let me see him at his most vulnerable and trusted me not to hurt him; emotionally or physically."
"But you say you didn't know him."
"No. Not really. Just like he didn't really know me. Didn't really matter though. I launched a satellite from Pluto, stormed into another galaxy and nuked a bunch of aliens all for him. Much better love story than Romeo and Juliet. However, I don't know if I've got him back. Not really. Only he can tell me that."
Tony squeezed the trickster's shoulder again.
"What if he doesn't know the answer himself?" Loki asked quietly.
"Does he still love me?"
"Yes."
"Then I've got him back." Tony was grinning, but Loki could feel the tears that splashed down onto his shoulder.
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Clint understood that Thor and Tony both had places they'd rather be than with him. He got that, really he did. After all, you don't spend seven years of your life looking for someone without then wanting to make the most of every second with them.
All fair enough.
No, what really bugged him were the people Thor had asked to help keep him company. He was a big boy, perfectly happy to spend his days on his own; hell, there was more than enough of Asgard to keep him occupied. He did not need babysitters.
Maybe Thor had been feeling guilty about abandoning him so much, and was obviously under the very mistaken opinion that Clint and his friends would get along.
Wrong. Assumption.
He really disliked the stuck up bunch.
The Warriors Three.
Oh, and Lady Sif. Because a woman obviously doesn't count as a real warrior. Not in Asgard. Clint decided that he couldn't wait to introduce the lot of them to Natasha.
He couldn't quite pinpoint what it was that annoyed him so much. Certainly a large part was the way they kept on commenting on the most inane things they had seen during their couple-of-hours long trip to Earth all those years ago. Yes, he was aware what telegraph poles looked like and no he didn't care how they worked.
And by the way; it's Earth, not Midgard. He should know, it's only his bloody planet.
And he was sure that blonde fop kept flirting with him.
At least this time he'd persuaded them to go riding. He may not be some super-strong, super-tall (and seriously! Were they all giants here?) super-everything God like they were, but he could certainly handle himself on horseback. It was a trick stemming from his circus days. If he really wanted to he could stand on a horses back at full gallop and still hit his target.
Yeah, maybe he'd find a reason to show that off at some point. Had to keep up the side for the humans, right?
But for now, at any rate he was more distracted by how damn hot it was. Seriously, it was like Nevada.
They were currently riding along the cliff overlooking sparkling waves and below them Clint could see a small beach. There was a steep path that he could see leading down to it and the thought of fresh salt water was very welcoming.
"Hey, is it possible to stop for a swim?"
He wasn't prepared for the stares the innocent little question garnered.
"What? Don't you guys swim?" He gestured at the sea. "You know. Front crawl, doggy paddle, mincing about in the shallows?"
Volstagg muffled a snort of laughter. "We swim, but not in there." He spoke as if the sparkling blue waters were sulphuric acid.
"Are you able to swim in Midgard's seas?" Sif asked at almost exactly the same time, looking incredulous.
"Um…yes?" Clint looked out at the ocean again. "What's wrong with the water then?"
"Shoot down a gull and you'll see."
The answer was cryptic, but Fandral looked earnest so Barton slowly pulled his bow off his back, waiting for them to start laughing at his gullibility. However, they looked surprisingly honest so he – equally slowly – put an arrow to the string.
"Uh, any gull in particular?"
"Any of them."
Well, it wasn't like PETA was going to find out. He took aim at one of the white birds gently wheeling over the crystal waves and loosed the arrow.
It hit true through the breast of one of the gulls with a bright puff of feathers and its wings folded up around the body as it began to plummet.
"Right…what am I – Mary Mother of God!"
The sea opened.
A monstrous head appeared out of the waves, huge and arrayed with more teeth than Clint had ever seen in one mouth before. It was large enough to make the falling bird seem like a mere speck of dust as the jaws snapped shut over the morsel.
"The fuck…?" The archer stared open mouthed at the scene. In a sudden movement he strung another arrow and quickly shot down a second bird.
This time, as the monster rose again he whipped his phone out and took a photo of the head that reared out of the waves. His eye remained trained on the beast, not the technology, and he gaped as the head dived back down, followed by a long sinuous body and huge tail. Large flippers – almost like a whales – were just visible.
Once the monster was out of sight the waves looked as if nothing had ever happened. Gulls cried angrily as Clint raised his phone up and pressed one of the many odd buttons.
"Jarvis, you there?" He knew that the AI could technically route through from the separate server in Tony's suit, but hadn't tried it yet.
"Yes sir." Well, you could certainly never fault Stark tech. It even worked on an alien planet.
"Can you search this photo I just took? I'm currently seeing but not believing."
"A few moments, please sir. I do not have the internet at my disposal so must search encyclopaedic entries."
"Yeah, sure." Clint hadn't taken his eyes off the water and Sif pulled her horse closer. It was obvious that she had been laughing – they all probably had, bastards – but now seemed intrigued by his utter confusion.
"You truly don't have those in your waters?" She didn't question what Jarvis was; probably assuming that it was common place for humans to have things like that which talked back to them.
"We…don't." The thing had looked damn familiar though, as terrifying as it was, hence why Barton was checking. A random sea monster was one thing; something he thought he actually knew was something else.
"Sir. I have your answer." The tinny little voice came from his phone and he raised it back up to hear better. "I believe the best identification would be a Tylosaurus proriger one of the Mosasauridae family. Of course it is hard to fully identify since Earth has no photos for comparison, only-"
"Only fossils."
"Yes sir."
Clint turned the phone off again with a chuckle. "Well, I'll be damned. You've only gone and got bloody dinosaurs here."
"Dinosaurs?" Fandral sounded confused at the term.
"Yeah. That's what we call things like that where I've come from. But all of ours have been dead for…oh I don't know, millions of years at the very least."
The four Aesir looked at each other. Finally Sif ventured:
"Should we show him a bilgesnipe?"
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They did.
Clint nearly fell off his horse.
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Loki knew something was going on when he and Tony were joined not only by Ragnar, but also Thor and Eir. The inventor had gone back to sitting in the chair and had been busily talking about how Evie had grown when they were interrupted and Loki smiled as he heard the annoyance in Tony's voice greeting the newcomers.
"We wish to attempt healing your eyes again, my Prince." Ragnar said cheerfully. "Lady Eir has changed the spell work we've been using so far into something more suitable for the anatomy of a Jötunn eyeball. We believe this will work with much more success."
"Will it still hurt him?" Tony asked quickly. He scowled when he was answered with an affirmative.
"Tony, I have survived everything else. A little pain is worth my sight."
"Yes but-"
"Shut up Stark."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Stop being an obtuse dunce. I rather enjoy my ability to see and would like it back." Loki returned sharply. He smirked at Tony's huff of annoyance. "Please ignore my human. He is not yet house trained."
Tony's mock exclamation of dismay was drowned out by Thor's exuberant laughter. "You must certainly feel better, brother! Your sense of humour had returned!"
Loki's small smile was warm and genuine. "I believe it has." He didn't add anything else to the soft comment, which allowed his healer to hijack the conversation. It had probably been the prince's intent.
"I am afraid this will hurt at least as much as the other healings, but the pain will also be as transient." Ragnar explained. "We aim to…"
He stopped as Loki waved a hand to silence him. "Whilst I will no doubt want to know the specifics at a later date, right this moment I just want my sight back." He pushed himself up against the pillows to sit a little straighter. "I understand this may not work but please go ahead and try."
"Of course my Prince."
Loki felt the two healers rest two fingers each on the centre of his forehead – not where he was expecting the healing to occur from. A large hand curled around his own and he recognised the roughness of Thor's palm and squeezed back gratefully. It was good to have a grounding point during the extremely painful healing processes, and after accidently breaking Tony's hand when part of his digestive system had been regrown Thor was a much safer bet.
There was a gentle warning – that never actually prepared him whatsoever – and then the invasive and familiar probe of magic. For a moment it was surprisingly just pleasant warmth running under his skin, seeking out the empty eye sockets like little tendrils of light.
Then, just like with a light source, heat followed. Warmth became flame, flame became agony. Loki heard himself scream, falling back against the pillows. The pain followed him down and his grip on Thor's hand tightened. He wouldn't have been surprised if the bandages caught fire.
There was wet seeping across his face and he realised with a panicked jolt that his eye sockets must be bleeding. Damnit all, the healing was doing more harm than good.
"S…top…"
"A moment longer, my Prince." The calm voice did little to assuage his fears but there was nothing Loki could do in response.
The bandages were soaked, the liquid trickling down his cheeks. He couldn't understand why it wasn't making them stop. Surely that much blood should tell them that something was wrong…
The pressure on his forehead lifted, almost physically taking the pain with it. His chest was heaving and he felt Thor squeeze his hand.
"Loki, brother, are you alright?"
"…Not particularly." He heard Tony snort softly at that remark and tried to smile. There was salt on his tongue; presumably from the fresh blood.
"Here my prince, let us have a look at how well that worked." There was no apology from either healer. It was only right of course; they were there to fix people, pain was going to happen and their patients had to expect it to a certain degree. Loki understood that and didn't expect any worry from either of them.
"Mr Stark, please blow out all but one of the candles; if this has been successful Prince Loki's eyes will be very sensitive."
If. Key word there.
The feeling of the bandages being unwound was familiar, although unpleasant. The trickster flinched at the feeling of the wet material peeling away from his face – still sensitive from the healing and misinterpreting the gentle touches as pain.
However, as distracted as he was it was hard to miss Thor's gasp and Tony's triumphant 'hah!'.
Rough hands cupped his cheeks, seemingly uncaring about the mess he was in.
"Open your eyes Loki."
That was something he hadn't been able to do in far too long. He hadn't even had eyelids to open. Now, however, he realised that those at least must have returned for Thor to tell him to open them.
Trying to open his eyes was unfamiliar and uncomfortable. His lashes – something else he hadn't had in a long while – felt gummed together and he reached up to wipe at them, and automatic gesture. Someone – probably Ragnar – caught his hands.
"Don't touch them, we don't know what the situation is yet."
That made sense at least. Loki tried again and this time a sudden sliver of light took him by surprise. He flinched back before trying again, now expecting the almost-painful candle light.
"Oh…" Despite how dim the light was, he still had to squint. However, no matter how little he could actually discern, the simple fact that his eyes functioned enough to see light at all was huge. He blinked and the aura resolved itself slightly into separate colours; a patch of blue right infront of him, surrounded by gold.
A second blink caused the blue to morph further into a pair of blurred but concerned eyes and Loki let out a disbelieving laugh.
Thor grinned as his brother's blood-shot gaze met his own, focussed and a smile of recognition lit Loki's face. The green eyes were duller than they should have been, and were red and swollen but it was obvious that Loki was able to see him when the trickster leaned forwards to cup Thor's cheek in return, his aim unerring.
Maybe there was an argument to be made that it should have been Tony that the prince saw for the very first time after so long. However, the man was more than happy for the two brothers to share this moment.
Thor knocked his forehead against his younger brother's, his hand going round to clasp the back of Loki's neck.
"I see you." The wounded prince whispered.
"I see you too."
Loki nodded slightly, wiping a hand across his cheek to rid himself of the blood. He glanced down to wipe it away only to realise that although his hand was wet, it was also clean. Not blood; it had been tears.
"Thor…" He raised his gaze back up, eyes aching at the sudden use. "I'm sorry."
"Loki…"
The trickster curled over into Thor's embrace. "I'm so sorry…"
New tears soaked the thunder God's tunic and he didn't care as he folded his little brother in his arms. He wasn't entirely sure what exactly Loki was apologising for – there was quite a large list to be fair – so simply held the slender God tightly. It didn't matter what the apology was for; he'd accept it anyway.
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"Sir, we have tracked the Betrayer to his home world. The world of the Gods."
The Other snarled. "Set a course."
"Sir? We can not hope to fight. Our army is too depleted."
"We won't fight. We will destroy. He is ours."
"Yes sir."
The Other went back to staring at the remains of the little planet Tony Stark had all but blown apart. "Such interesting technology. I shall so enjoy returning it in kind."
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First person to guess correctly what I've decided bilgesnipe are going to be gets a shout out in the next chapter. And I want evidence. Not just random names; give me your reasoning :D
Sorry for the lack of Evie – the big reunion was meant to be here and then it all just sort of ran away with me. There's loads I have bumped up to the next chapter instead. Can't wait to write it!
Love to you all
xoxox