DISCLAIMER: The characters do not belong to me…they are all the creation of the wonderful Stephenie Meyer.
Cleaning Up the Mess
Bella's POV
I stayed home both Monday and Tuesday, having managed to catch myself a little head cold. Edward and I had a talk about me staying home again today, but since I was only congested and not running a fever, we agreed it would be fine for me to go in.
"Stay seated and drink plenty of fluids," Carlisle cautioned as Esme handed me a small cooler filled with juices and water.
"I will," I assured them both. "I'm even bringing one of my pillows so that I have no excuse to get out of my chair."
"She's going to be fine," Edward said, smiling at me as he held my sweater out. It was both refreshing and reassuring to have him sounding so confident in me.
"If you feel tired or too sick to continue your day, call me and I will gladly come get you," Esme said, straightening my sweater on my shoulders.
"I feel like I'm five and this is the very first day of school," I chuckled, my voice cracking a little from the congestion. "I love you for worrying, but I'm going to be fine."
"Maybe you should wait until next week to deal with James," Esme suggested.
"No," I said, shaking my head. "The sooner we get it over with, the better. Besides, Edward's going to be right there with me."
"And Dean Wilson was very understanding when I spoke to him on Monday," Edward reminded them. "We'll have a nice, calm discussion with James over lunch and put this whole thing behind us."
"Exactly," I agreed.
"We should get going, Love," Edward said, taking the cooler and grabbing both of our briefcases. "We don't want to be late."
"No, definitely not," I replied, taking his offered hand.
The ride to school was silent, but it was back to being those amazingly restful and peaceful silences that Edward and I had been capable of having from the very beginning. I spent the ride relaxed against my seat with my eyes closed and my hands over my baby. In the past couple of days, we'd felt him move a few more times—always in the late afternoon and night. Edward was already making comments about possibly having a night-owl on our hands.
Edward eventually broke the silence, speaking softly. "Are you awake?"
I smiled and opened my eyes. "Yes. Just relaxed."
Edward chuckled, but quickly stopped himself. "I'm sorry. You just sound so cute when you're all stopped up."
"Shut up," I whined, pushing on his shoulder.
Edward pulled into the parking lot and I couldn't help but look around, wondering if James would be waiting like before. "What are you thinking?" Edward asked.
"I just wanted to do something nice for him, but I messed everything up," I sighed.
Edward lifted up our twined hands and kissed the back of mine. "You haven't messed anything up. We were just caught in an unfortunate situation and now, we're going to put an end to it together. You may even find a way to remain friends with him."
"How can you be so calm about it now? You were so upset just last Friday."
"Last Friday, you didn't believe me."
"Oh," I whispered, feeling more chastised than if he'd have yelled at me.
Edward squeezed my hand lightly, getting me to look up at him. "Bella, for the thousandth time, I was never upset with you, just the situation."
"And worried that I might run off with this guy," I muttered, staring at our hands.
"Only a little and only towards the very end," he admitted.
"I'm so sorry you felt that way for even a second."
"Bella," he groaned. "Please stop apologizing to me. I know you didn't mean for this to happen."
"I'll try," I sighed, squeezing his hand.
"Come on, Love. Let's get to your class."
I nodded my head and smiled for him. He got out, grabbing all of our bags, and then came around the car to help me. I was starting to lose sight of my feet, and more of my balance at the same time, so I definitely wouldn't be getting in and out of cars on my own for awhile.
I was so busy in my morning classes, getting everyone ready for the finals that were only a month away, that I never found the time to worry about James. It wasn't until Edward walked into my classroom that I even realized the time.
"How are you?" he asked, leaning down and kissing my cheek.
"I'm okay. It's been a busy morning," I replied as he opened my cooler and peeked into it. "Two waters and one juice," I reported. "And I was careful on my way to the bathroom during my six bathroom breaks. I swear this kid is sitting on my bladder today."
"Just wait," Edward chuckled.
I was so happy to have him happy that I didn't even mind he was teasing me. "Remind me to ask Esme tonight if you ever sat on her bladder. I doubt I was so cruel to my mother."
"Said the biter," he snorted, showing off his dimples.
"I'm starting to question Emmett's memories of events," I said, smiling back.
"Question his memories all you want, but that scar on his knuckle doesn't lie," Edward replied, laughing a little.
The classroom door opened and we both turned toward it, not surprised to find that it was James. He looked nervous and had a bouquet of flowers in his hands. "Hello," he greeted, cautiously stepping into the room.
"Hello, James," Edward greeted, standing up next to me. "We were hoping you would stick around after class. There are a few things we need to discuss together. Perhaps over lunch?"
"Sure," he said, giving Edward a wide berth as he moved closer to my desk. "These are for you, Professor Cullen. Partly as a get well token and partly as an apology for Saturday. I misspoke."
"Thank you, James," I told him.
"This was very thoughtful of you," Edward agreed as he took the flowers. "Bella's still a little under the weather, or I'm sure she'd enjoy the smell."
"I have that vase in my bottom drawer from when you gave me flowers for my birthday," I told Edward.
"Then I'll just go out to the hall and put some water in it for you," he said. He knelt next to me and dug through the drawer until he found the vase. He smiled at me before standing and leaving the room.
"How was the rest of your weekend, James? Did you catch up on your assignments?" I asked.
He stared down at his shoes, pushing on his glasses a little. "Yeah."
"Did your sister make it home okay?"
He sighed heavily, still not looking up from his shoes. "I'm just going to take my seat now."
"Oh, okay. We'll talk during lunch," I said, feeling more uncomfortable than at any other time I could recall. This poor, lonely guy had completely misread my friendship and was now probably both embarrassed and hurt.
Edward came back into the room and glanced over at James on his way to me. He set the vase on the edge of my desk and put the flowers into it for me. "Everything okay?" he whispered, taking my hand into his.
"Don't know," I shrugged. "He didn't seem to really want to say much, so I didn't press."
"Just focus on teaching for the next hour and then we'll talk with him at lunch."
"Can we go visit Sylvia? Minestrone soup sounds really good today."
"Sure. She'll be happy to see you, especially since you're showing so much now."
"Yep," I smiled, looking down at my belly. "Our little man is really starting to grow."
"And I have to go."
"Say it ain't so," I chuckled.
Edward laughed as he leaned down and kissed my cheek. "I love you. I'll see you in an hour."
"Okay, Honey," I said, smiling just for him. Personally, I really didn't feel up to smiling. I felt sad, and guilty, and sick. I thought about going home, but I wasn't sure how much was really the cold and how much was my nervousness over lunch so I decided to just tough it out.
My class was just as busy as my morning ones, making it easy to forget all about lunch and speaking with James. It wasn't long before Edward was back and we were leaving for the restaurant with James following behind us.
Edward held the door and helped me up the two steps and into the restaurant. Sylvia smiled as soon as she saw us and came right over. Once she was standing in front of me, her smile turned to a frown.
"Bella di momma, osservate così stanco," Sylvia said, clucking her tongue against the roof of her mouth.
"Sorry, Sylvia," Edward chuckled. "We still haven't learned Italian yet."
"She looks tired, Edward," she said, holding my face in her hands.
"I have a head cold," I told her.
"And I have soup. You'll have a big cup. I' il ll gli fa migliorare in nessun tempo," she instructed, leading us over to our usual table.
"What was that one?" Edward asked, sitting beside me.
"I said that I will have her better in no time. I'll bring you some tea as well," she said, patting my shoulder. "Old family recipe. It'll clear you right up for you to breathe better."
"Thank you," I said, smiling up at her.
"I'll have soup and tea as well," Edward said. "They sound good. James? What about you?"
James put down his menu and pushed his glasses up his face. "I'll just have the spaghetti and meatballs. And a coke."
"I'll be back with the drinks," Sylvia said, already walking away.
James fidgeted in his seat, looking very uncomfortable—no one seemed to know how to start what was sure to be a very awkward conversation.
Edward cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter in his chair. "How is your sister? Did she make it back safely?"
"Um…well…" James stuttered. He sighed as he pushed his glasses up his nose once more. "I'm sorry, but I sort of lied. I don't have a sister. I just…I didn't want to scare you, Bella, with how much I cared, so I thought it would be better to say I was reading for my sister instead of admitting I was reading for you."
"But…you weren't even talking to me then," I said, feeling even more confused about this mess.
"Well, I was working up the courage. I just…I didn't know how to start an actual conversation. But then you did it for me, and well…" James paused and took a deep breath. "Bella, how could you lie to me? How could you let me believe you cared? On Saturday, I was trying to explain and you just turned your back on me."
"James, I never lied. And I did care. I do care. But only as a friend. Nothing more than that," I said.
"How can that be, though? The way you shared pieces of your life with me, discussed your plans for the future! How could that just be friends?" he asked, looking honestly confused.
"That's what friends do, James. They discuss their hopes and dreams. They talk about their families and plans for the weekends. They share," I explained.
"James, didn't you have friends in high school?" Edward asked.
James shrugged his shoulders. "I was home-schooled and I never really felt the need to leave the house. And from what I remembered of being in school as a young child, it wasn't exactly filled with people I would want to associate with."
"Well that explains a lot," Edward sighed. "Look, I know better than anyone—except Emmett—that Bella is an amazing person. She's kind, and loving, and very selfless. I can understand how that could be mistaken by someone with limited social experience."
"Limited social experience," James muttered, shaking his head and glaring at the table. "I fall in love with a married woman, profess my love to her like an idiot, even offering to raise her baby—"
"You what?" Edward asked, narrowing his eyes at James.
I grabbed Edward's arm, making sure he didn't move. "I meant to mention that, but sort of didn't find the right time for it," I said, praying Edward would understand I was just trying to protect him.
"I knew you were holding back something," Edward said, looking down at me. "I just didn't realize it was that wrong."
"Sorry. I was just…" I shrugged, not knowing how to finish.
Edward smiled and pressed his lips to my forehead. "You were trying to protect me, and I love you for that."
"Tea," Sylvia announced, putting a steaming cup down in front of me. "Don't just drink it," she cautioned, handing Edward his mug. "Breathe it in deeply before you take each sip. Clear you right up," she promised. She gave James his coke and then disappeared again.
"So what now?" James asked, using the straw to stir his drink.
"That really depends on you," Edward replied. "Do you think you can just be a friend? Or do you need to remove yourself completely?"
I fidgeted in my seat, trying to keep a polite smile on my face. James had lied about having a sister. He had made up a complete other person…And I'd fallen for it. Each time I thought I understood how stupid and blind I'd been, something new popped up to show me that I was an even bigger idiot. In my quest to feel normal, to feel like myself, I'd put my marriage at risk. And maybe even my job too. My parents must both be having fits, looking down at me and my colossal mistakes.
"Well, I—" James started.
"Soup!" Sylvia announced, appearing once again. "I had them put extra zucchini in yours, Bella. I know how much you love it."
"Thank you, Sylvia. You're too sweet to Edward and me," I told her.
"I'm just buttering you up so that you leave him to me when you get tired of him," she chuckled, winking at me.
"Not going to happen," I said, looking up at Edward and squeezing his hand.
He smiled and leaned toward me, kissing my lips lightly. "Never."
"I figured as much," she said, smiling. "He doesn't have a brother, does he?"
"Just a sister," I laughed.
"Appena la mia fortuna," Sylvia said, shaking her head. She smiled and lifted her hands, stopping my question before it left my lips. "Just my luck."
"Luck has a way of changing when you least expect it," Edward said, smiling at me.
"Have they told you their love story?" Sylvia asked James.
"No," he replied, shaking his head.
"You come with me in the back while I get your plate together and I'll tell it. It'll make you believe in fairytales," she assured him. "Let Bella eat her soup and run off that cold. And, Edward, you eat every drop of yours to keep yourself healthy."
"Yes, Ma'am," Edward chuckled.
"Well, come on," Sylvia demanded, waving her hand at James. He seemed a little uncomfortable, but got up and followed after her anyway. Sylvia had a way of making you feel like family, and I was sure James would realize that before they even made it into the kitchen. And honestly, I was extremely grateful to her for taking him away for a few moments.
"What do you think he's going to do?" I asked Edward, blowing on my spoonful of soup.
Edward shrugged, having just put some soup and vegetables into his own mouth. He swallowed and took a sip of his tea. "I really don't know, Bella. He's obviously feeling embarrassed and upset. I think he's a bit mystified about how this went so wrong for him."
"I still can't believe he lied about having a sister. It makes me wonder what else he's been lying about. I just…I don't think I can ever really trust him after this." I sighed heavily, pushing the vegetables around in my mug of soup. "So many mistakes and it all started over such simple reasons," I sighed.
"What were those reasons?"
"One was that I hated seeing him so friendless and looking so lost. He seemed to be all alone in the world and I guess that added with already being all emotional about my parents just made me want to reach out and help him."
"And the other?"
"Well, we talked a few times and the conversation wasn't solely focused on the baby and my health, it became my favorite part of the day. I was just Bella around him. I was the girl that loved books and still had a little crush on Mr. Darcy. I wasn't just a mother-to-be. It wasn't for the baby. And I'm sorry, because I know that sounds selfish."
"No more selfish than me constantly getting you to do things and saying it was for the baby. I'm sorry, too, Bella. I should never have dismissed how you were feeling as just being part of your pregnancy. But…well, I get why you stopped trying to talk to me, but what about Angela? Why couldn't you have confided in her instead of James?"
"I actually did try to call Angela in the very beginning. But by that point, she had that new job in downtown Seattle and Ben had proposed. The few times I was even able to get her on the phone, she sounded so stressed already that I couldn't imagine adding to that."
"I can understand that," Edward said, nodding his head. "Bella, I promise to listen better from now on. I'm sorry I haven't been here for you emotionally like you needed."
"I think this is the point where we stop worrying so much about what we did and didn't do and start focusing on what need to do from this point forward. One of the first things is that I need to stop postponing getting the house ready for this little man. The other is that we need to find a house, Edward. I love living with Esme and Carlisle, I truly do. But we should have our own home for our son to have his own memories in. And we should be standing completely on our own two feet."
"I agree," Edward said with a small nod. "I'll do everything I can to try for before the baby comes, but if I can't make it happen, I swear to you it will be done before the baby turns six months old. I just want to make sure we have the house you want and that once we're settled in, we're home and we don't have to worry about moving again."
James appeared and sat down with his plate. "So you wound up with her just because you made the choice to go to dinner with your sister and friends?" he asked, looking at Edward.
"It sounds simple, doesn't it?" Edward asked, laughing a little. "At the time, I was just annoyed at having decided to listen to my sister. And now, I look back on it, and it was the best choice of my life."
"Yep," I agreed, leaning against him.
"So…I think it's best if I just leave," James said, looking between Edward and me. "I'm going to head back to Minnesota. I really do have parents there and I should spend some time with them."
"Are you at least going to finish out the semester?" Edward asked. "It's only a few more weeks."
"I don't know," James said, shaking his head.
"James, please don't ruin your grades over this. It was a misunderstanding, an amazingly awkward one, but it's not the worst thing ever. Just…at least stay and finish the semester," I pleaded. We had all made mistakes, but James shouldn't have to lose an entire semester over them.
"I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can be around you," he said, frowning at his plate. James finally lifted his head and his eyes were filled with so much sadness that my heart ached for him—not anywhere close to the hurt I felt for what I'd put Edward through, but it still bothered me. "Bella, I appreciate that you're trying to be nice, but…Look, I messed this up so much. I misread everything. I can't have this daily reminder of how stupid and socially stunted I am. I just—"
"James, I understand that you're embarrassed, but tossing away an entire semester isn't going to help. If anything, it'll make it worse for you," Edward told him. "You'll just end up angry with yourself and resentful about all of this."
"And I should listen to you? You've disliked me from the start," James said, looking a little angry.
"No, it wasn't that I disliked you," Edward argued. "I saw from the very beginning that you were overly attentive with Bella. I've seen guys who were infatuated with her before and I know when I see that look in a man's eyes. I didn't want you to misread her friendliness and hurt the both of you in the process. Honestly, had she not been distracted by the pregnancy, she would have noticed herself."
"James, you don't have to speak to me outside of class. You don't even have to like me. Just…please don't toss away your entire semester. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it," I told him.
James suddenly lifted his head and smiled at me. "You're wrong about that. And I appreciate that you can still find it in you to care about me after how hugely I screwed this up. But I just think it's better this way." He stood up and held his hand out to Edward. "Neither of us really deserves her, but at least I know you'll take good care of her."
Edward shook James's hand, smiling a little. "I think you should sleep on it, James. At the very least, only skip Bella's classes. You really shouldn't lose the whole semester over this. But whatever you choose, I wish you luck."
I smiled and nodded at James, unable to find the words to explain to him how sorry I was for all of this. I still had no idea what I'd said or done to give him the wrong idea about our friendship, but that guilt was still there. And now he was going to throw away his semester.
Just as quickly and strangely as he'd entered our lives, James left. He walked out of the restaurant door and I just felt this sudden certainty that I wouldn't be seeing him again.
"Bella, you should finish your soup. It's getting late and we have to get back to the school," Edward said, rubbing my back a little.
I did my best to keep my voice even as I replied. "Edward, can we just leave? I don't want to eat anymore."
"Okay. Would you agree to Sylvia putting the soup into a container for later?"
"Sure," I sighed, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"I'll be right back," he said, kissing the top of my head. He stood and took both of our mugs away with him.
I sipped at my tea, trying not to think about anything. I still had one more class to get through before I could go home and crawl into bed. One more class before I could allow myself the luxury of wallowing in the guilt and sadness I was feeling.
We got back to school with barely any time before classes started, but Edward somehow managed to get me to my class and then get to his own. I felt like I was running on autopilot as I handled my last class of the day. It was easy since I was covering the exact same material I'd gone over in every other class today.
That sense of numbness stuck with me as I rode home with Edward, ate dinner, and took my shower. It wasn't until Edward left our room, positive that I was sound asleep, that I finally let myself think and feel all the things I'd pushed away today. I laid in our bed, trying to process all of my feelings and listening to the sound of Edward's piano filling up the house; he'd left the door open, probably wanting to make sure he could hear me if I called for him. I wouldn't do that, not right now. This was my fault and my pain, and I needed to be alone to deal with the largest part of it. If Edward was with me, he would only try to take the blame onto himself and that would make me feel even worse.
I didn't cry, though the urge was there. Instead, I just carefully reviewed my life from the moment I'd decided to befriend James, looking for every single error I'd made. I wanted to catalogue and document them all to make sure I never, ever repeated them. When I'd met Edward, I had been so sure of myself and so independent. I could tell right away when someone was being honest with me and when they had their own agenda. And then I'd landed into this amazing life and ended up going soft, getting used to things just being easy and perfect. I needed to find a way to balance those two versions of myself; I needed to protect both Edward and myself from something like this ever happening again. I needed to remember how to see and swat a fly.
The music finally stopped and I tilted my face up, looking at the clock next to the bed. It was after eleven—I'd been laying here with my thoughts for nearly two hours. I watched the open door and waited for Edward to appear, finally ready to accept his comfort…and if he would give it, his forgiveness.
He came into the room, humming to himself and shuffling some pages in his hand. I watched as he slid the pages into his briefcase on the floor and then disappeared into the bathroom. He reappeared a few minutes later, yawning as he walked over and closed the bedroom door. He finally noticed me and that my eyes were wide open. "Bella? Everything okay?"
"Not yet, but I hope it will be."
He climbed into our bed and slid under the covers with me, wrapping his arm around my waist. His fingers massaged my back lightly as he kissed my forehead. "What are you doing awake? And what do you mean by you hope it will be?"
"I know this is going to sound selfish of me, but I need to know that you forgive me, Edward. For not believing you, for arguing with you, and for ignoring you. I should have trusted you more."
"Bella, I already told you that I understand why you didn't believe me. You thought I was just overreacting because of how I've been behaving since you got pregnant."
"Understanding isn't the same as forgiveness. I need to know you believe me when I say I really didn't think James had feelings for me."
"I do believe you, Bella. And if you need to hear it, I'll tell you, even though I don't really believe there's anything to forgive." He pressed his lips to my forehead again before smiling at me. "I forgive you, and I love you."
"I love you, too," I sighed, scooting closer to him.
"How do you feel about James possibly dropping out?"
"We don't have to talk about him."
"Yes, we do. You're tender-hearted and I know you must have a lot of conflicting emotions about all of this. So tell me how you feel."
"Incredibly guilty. I've ruined his life when all I wanted was to be his friend, to make him a little less lonely."
"You haven't ruined his life, Bella. If he chooses to drop out, that's his choice, not yours."
"He wouldn't be considering it as a choice if it wasn't for me," I argued.
"He was the one who made the choice to pursue you as more than a friend," Edward pointed out.
"But if I'd only listened to you right away, I could have set him straight long ago and then it wouldn't have gotten to this point."
"There's no way for you to know that, Bella. You could have told him, but there's no guarantee he would have listened."
"And if he hadn't, I would have put distance between us."
"Bella, it's very easy to play the "would have" scenario now that it's over. But what good does that do you? Or James for that matter?"
"I don't know," I sighed. "I just…I don't want him to ruin his grades over this. I don't want him to be so hurt that he feels like he has to run away from his school and his dreams just because I was an idiot."
"Love, I know that selfless part of you wants to take all the blame, but you can't. James was a much bigger idiot. Yes, you ignored my warnings. But James ignored our marriage, our obvious love for each other, and the fact that you are carrying our child," Edward explained, rubbing his hand over my belly. "He tried to insert himself into our lives and drive us apart so that he could have the life he thought would make him happy."
"But I helped, even if I didn't know it at the time."
"And that's my point, Bella. You didn't know. But James did. He knew exactly what he was doing from moment one. Think about it, Love. He made up a pregnant sister for God's sake."
"So what now?"
"Right this very second, you are going to do your best to let go of the guilt and shame you're feeling and close these beautiful brown eyes of yours. You're still sick and you need your rest. Tomorrow, we're going back to the school for another day of teaching. And by Friday, we should have some sign of James's decision. There really is nothing more for you to do, Bella. You've apologized to me, and to James. All you can do, is try to move past this."
"How?" I asked, searching Edward's green eyes for some sign.
He smiled and started rubbing my belly again. "You can start by focusing on this little boy that's going to be with us very soon. We can focus on putting his room together. We can focus on Alice and Jasper and help them out on their own journey to become parents. I'll warn Jasper of all the things he shouldn't do, and you can ask Alice to take it easy on him," Edward chuckled.
"I love you, Edward."
"I know," he smiled, kissing my cheek. "I love you more. Now, please close your eyes and go to sleep. If you don't, I'll have to beg you to stay home tomorrow, and I won't be ashamed to pout at you until you give in."
I chuckled a little, knowing he was just as serious as he was joking. "Give me a kiss goodnight, Cullen."
Edward smiled and pressed his lips to mine. "Goodnight, Love."
"Night," I yawned, snuggling my face into his shirt. He hummed my lullaby and stroked my hair until sleep finally overtook me. And when I woke the next morning, a little of that weight that had been sitting on my heart since Saturday had lifted. I could only hope the coming weeks and months would take away the rest of it. Edward was right and there was nothing I could do about whatever choices James would make for himself. All I could do was focus on my husband and my son, making sure they had the best possible lives and that they understood just how much I loved them.
To my little conspiracy theorists, Knox and Blinding, you were both right about James' sister being a big fake! LOL! You get virtual cookies for your theories! Just two more chapters and James will leave our little story permanently.
Since this is the last posting before Christmas, I want to give a few wishes for the holidays:
To my wonderful, amazing, and talented Cookie Sisters and Mom, Merry Christmas! I love you all and I hope Santa brings you exactly what you need, if not what you asked for. Same goes to our favorite cookie half and to that Chip we love to torture.
To all of my adopted family members, from my little sister to my new little cousins, I wish you a Merry Christmas and all the Twilight items you can stand!
For all of you wonderful readers and reviewers, I wish you all a very, very Merry Christmas and I hope everyone has a wonderful time with their families. And last, but certainly not least, To my favorite Fanfic authors, I wish you all a writer's block free holiday and that ideas find you and help you get new chapters out there for us all!