DISCLAIMER: The characters do not belong to me…they are all the creation of the wonderful Stephenie Meyer.
Bella Blow's Up – Part 2
Edward's POV
"So then we cut into the pie and it was so amazing, Edward. It was like the chocolate was wrapping itself around my tongue and just making me hungrier for more," Alice continued on, ranting about her party.
"I take it you enjoyed the pie then?" I teased, smiling at her as I held one of her hands and Jasper held her other.
"Alice, you made him come all the way down here and all you've talked about is pies and gifts. Don't you think you should take a breath and talk about something else?" Jasper asked.
"Nope," Alice chirped.
"Jasper, that's like asking Santa to not talk about elves and toys," I joked, grinning at Alice.
"Bite your tongue, Edward Anthony," Alice fussed, smiling too much to mean it. "But don't do it too hard. I don't want the doctor to be more concerned with you than me."
"Yeah, we wouldn't want anyone to ever take the attention off of our dear Alice," Jasper teased.
Alice grabbed Jasper's shirt and yanked his face closer to hers. "Remind me again why I wanted to have babies with you? Why I'm willing to go through the excruciating pain of labor while you stand here and make jokes?"
"Because I love you and treat you like the queen you are, Sweetheart?" he said, making it sound more like a question than a statement.
"Perfect," she chirped, letting go of his shirt and turning her head toward me. "I'm so sorry I pulled you away from Bella and Charlie," she said, squeezing down on my hand.
"She understood, Ali," I replied, trying to reassure her that Bella didn't mind. "She's glad one of us could be with you. And she expects a full report later, including hearing that the three of you are perfectly fine."
"Alright, Alice. I need to know who's going into the delivery room with us. You can only take two," the doctor announced.
"Jasper and my mom," she said right away. She looked up at me with a sheepish smile on her little face. "I know I made you come all the way down here, but I really need Mom with me in there."
"I understand," I said, kissing her forehead. She was about to give birth, one of the hardest jobs in the world, and she could have whoever she wanted with her. "I'll be in the waiting room with Dad."
"You're the best little brother, you know that right?" she called out, sounding a little like she might cry.
"Love you, too, Ali," I said quickly, wanting to get out before she could work herself up. She needed to be calm and relaxed. She had a chance to really enjoy this experience and I wanted that for her—and for Jasper, too.
My mother passed me in the hall, stopping to give me another hug and kiss. "Was Alice excited to see you?"
"Very," I chuckled. "She hardly paused to breathe while telling me about her party and how she didn't realize she was in labor. She's very ready to see these babies, though, so you'd better get in there."
"More grandbabies to love," she sighed, patting my cheek before heading off toward Alice's room.
I joined my dad in the waiting room and he smiled, putting his hand to my shoulder and squeezing a little. "How are you, son?" he asked.
"I honestly don't know. I'm glad I could be here for Alice. She was so happy when I walked into her hospital room, Dad. But at the same time…I don't know. I miss Bella and Charlie. I want to be home with them."
"We'll welcome your nephew and niece into the world and then I'll make sure you can slip out of here and get home to them."
"Thanks, Dad," I said, giving him a hug.
"You're welcome, Edward. And while I'm sorry for the reason that you're suddenly so affectionate with all of us, I'm glad to see it all the same."
"Think Emmett and Bella are going to talk while they're together?" I asked, looking up at him.
He shrugged and smiled. "It would be best for both of them if they did, but they may not know how to start the conversation."
"'Hi, I'm Emmett and I'm a complete ass for ignoring you'?" I offered.
"That's one option. It could also start with 'Hi, I'm Bella and I'm too proud and stubborn to call you and ask why you won't come visit me'."
"Very true," I agreed, nodding my head. "But in her defense, she's the one with so many things going on."
"And in his, he actually realizes that. He may truly believe for once that his brand of humor isn't what she needs right now."
"She needs him, Dad."
"Then may I suggest that if you get home and find they haven't talked, you pull Emmett aside and let him know he's inadvertently hurting Bella. And make sure you come off as just trying to help and not being mad at him for it."
"I can't be mad at him. I don't even know what to say to her half the time. The only thing currently saving me is the fact that she refuses to acknowledge what happened and the consequences of it."
"Just keep in mind that the longer she puts it off, the bigger the blow up will be when she finally does deal with it."
I thought about his words while we waited for news about my sister and her babies. Within a half an hour, my mother came out to tell us that Alice had given birth to a boy and a girl. An hour after that, we were finally allowed to see my sister and to meet the babies for the first time.
"I can't believe he's got the black hair and she's got the blonde," I chuckled, holding little Brandon while Jasper held Elizabeth next to me.
"This could be temporary though. I've heard the hair color changes," Jasper said.
"I'm just miffed Bella got so lucky with Charlie having his dominate eye color right away," Alice pouted. "The twins have those baby eyes so now I have to wait a few weeks to see what eye color they'll really end up with."
"Just be glad that the three of you are perfectly healthy," I told her.
"Sorry, Edward. I didn't mean to sound bratty or anything," she said.
"I know, Ali," I said, smiling at her. "It's just in your nature to want to know colors so you can properly coordinate."
"Exactly!" she chirped. "See! Edward gets me."
"He had to learn in order to live with you and not strangle you," Rose teased as Jasper passed Elizabeth to her. "But you better believe your pixie butt that I won't let you drive my niece and nephew crazy."
"Edward, why don't you let me have a turn with this grandson and you run on home to check on my other one?" Carlisle offered, holding out his arms for Brandon.
"Thanks, Dad," I said, carefully passing the baby to him.
I made my way around the room, kissing everyone goodbye and then I left the hospital as quickly as I could. I called Bella as soon as I was in the car, letting her know what the babies looked like and what Alice had named them. I didn't tell her I was on my way home, though—I wanted to surprise her.
After picking up a couple of dessert options to cheer Bella up with, I headed out of the city and to my parents' house. While I was very thankful for all of the help my parents were giving us, I was still anxious to get Bella and Charlie into a home of our own. I'd had to completely stop everything and push it aside to care for Bella—not that I minded. At least now, Emmett was taking charge of it all and he seemed confident he would be able to handle it. He was sure he could have everything finished and the house ready for us within four months. That would be perfect timing since Bella would be healed and into her own routine with Charlie by then.
I parked the car and grabbed the bag from the bakery, resisting the urge to just take one small piece for myself. I wanted Bella to have her pick before I took anything for myself.
The house was completely quiet and there was only a small lamp on in the living room, giving off just enough light for me to see that Lily was asleep on the couch. I dropped the baked goods in the kitchen and then went upstairs to find Bella. She was probably demanding to help with Charlie's diaper or something.
"Oh, thank God!" Emmett sighed when he saw me on the stairs.
"What's wrong?" I asked, trying hard not to jump to any conclusions.
"Bella freaked the hell out on me, Edward."
"What did you do? Is she okay?"
"I didn't do anything. Well, not really. And I really don't know about her being okay or not. Edward, I've seen her mad, sad, depressed…Dude, I've never seen her like this. It was like that broken look she had right after our parents died, but this time, there's this wall of anger in front of it. I thought she might slug me at one point. She didn't hit me with her hands, but you've probably got some broken stuff upstairs. She took a bunch of stuff from the dresser and threw it all at me."
"Are either of you physically hurt?"
"Nope. I got a scratch on my chest, but that's all. She's been crying since it happened, but she might have stopped now. I left her for just a few minutes so I could get Charlie changed."
"Would you take him downstairs, Em? I'd like to talk to Bella for a minute."
"Sure, sure. I'll just be in the kitchen."
"And don't touch the bag on the counter. It's for Bella."
"Got it," he grinned, patting my shoulder on his way to the stairs.
I sighed and put my hand on the doorknob, wondering what kind of mood Bella would be in once I walked through this door. Either she'd just gotten fed up with Emmett's joking, or she'd finally stopped hiding from the truth of what had happened to her. I wasn't sure which option I should hope for.
I pushed the door open and entered the quiet room. Bella was under the covers and looked like she might have been sleeping, so I was careful to be quiet as I made my way over to her.
As soon as I was able to sit on the bed, I knew she wasn't sleeping. "Bella, you never could act," I told her. "But from the day you've had, I'll give you a few points for effort anyway."
"How did you know?" she sighed, opening her brown eyes to look at me.
"Your breathing. It was too quick and unsteady for you to be sleeping."
"Help me to sit up a little, please?"
"Sure." I stacked up a few extra pillows and got her sitting up at an angle that wouldn't put much pressure on her stomach muscles. "So, do you want to explain what happened between Emmett and you?"
"Not particularly. I'd like to apologize to you, though. I think I might have broken a few of your things. I'm not really sure."
"It's not like you to fly into a blind rage and throw things at people, Isabella. Especially not your big brother."
"Yeah, well, that's what he gets for telling me he doesn't know how to deal with my situation," she grumped, folding her arms in front of her.
"Obviously not the best word choice on his part. But you do know how much he loves you, right? That hasn't changed, Bella. Emmett's just found a new way to do something stupid, that's all."
"Don't make excuses for him, Edward."
"I'm not. I'm just trying to see this from both sides. Personally, I'd love to clip him in the jaw for being such an idiot and hurting your feelings this way."
"I don't even know that I'm actually angry at him. I mean, yeah, I'm definitely angry at him for ignoring me, but not as angry as I acted toward him."
"I think this might be your anger over what happened."
"I had a bad delivery, that's all. And it's taking me longer than I would like to heal, but I know it'll happen."
"That's not all, Bella. That's just the start. Why are you trying so hard to pretend there's nothing else going on with you?"
She turned her head away, staring off at nothing.
I gently pressed my fingers against her jaw and turned her head back to me. "Bella, please talk to me."
"Edward, I'm really not sure I can do that right now."
"Please, Bella. I need you to tell me what you're thinking and feeling."
Her lips trembled and her brown eyes grew moist as she held my gaze. "I don't think I can tell you that, Edward. I'm scared of hurting you even more. I'm so scared of not being able to stay in control of this anger and lashing out at you. I won't mean half of what I say, but I know it'll still hurt you."
"You're worrying too much about me and not enough about you. Bella, you can't keep stuffing this down inside of you. It has to come out."
"Would you please stop telling me what I should and shouldn't do!" she screamed. Her hands were balled up into fists and her face and neck were bright red. "You are not my parent, Edward."
"I realize that. But I am your friend. I just want to help you."
"Help me? Edward, what could you possibly do to help me? Do you have some time machine I don't know about so we can go back and warn the doctor before it's too late for me?"
"Of course not, Bella, but I—"
"Edward, I mean this in the most loving way, but please shut up."
"Being afraid to talk about it won't help you. It won't make it any easier to face this, or to move past it. Bella, don't you want to move forward and really be happy with Charlie and me?"
"You know I do," she said sternly. I could see a little of that angry fire in her eyes that Emmett had been talking about.
"Then talk to me, Bella."
"It's not like you're going to understand," she muttered, looking away from me again.
"Probably not," I agreed. "But I'd like the chance to try." I moved closer to her, wrapping my arms around her. When she didn't push me away, I continued to talk to her. "Let's try to start simply. Can you tell me what angers you the most? Or what your most outrageous fear might be?"
"I don't know," she grumbled.
"Please, Bella."
"Fine," she sighed, sounding annoyed. "Outrageous fear…that you'll decide you want more kids, divorce me, and take Charlie to live with you and your new fertile wife."
"That is pretty outrageous," I agreed. "Especially since I would never, ever leave you. You're the love of my life, Bella."
"You say that now. But what if once Charlie isn't a baby anymore, you decide you miss all that and really want to experience it again?"
"Then we'll discuss options. Just because you can't grow a baby inside of you doesn't mean we can't be parents again. There are other ways, Bella."
"Fine. Are we done?" she asked, shrugging out of my loose hold.
I wanted to say "yes" and protect her from feeling any more hurt or anger, but I would be doing her a huge disservice that way. She had to face this to truly overcome it and move forward. "Bella, are you angry at me for getting you pregnant?" I asked.
"No," she replied immediately, finally being the one to initiate physical contact between us tonight. She gripped my arm in both of hers and rested her head against my chest. "Never ever, Edward. I love Charlie so much and I'm so glad we were blessed with him. I don't blame either of you for what happened to me."
I pressed my lips to the top of her head, hugging her as tightly as I dared. "That's very good to hear, Love."
"What about you, Edward? Do you blame Charlie?" she asked. "Or me?" she added, her voice much quieter.
"No. I don't blame anyone. I'm too busy thanking everyone that you're still with me."
"It's so unfair, Edward. I mean, I know that life's not fair for anyone. I get that. But I've already had to suffer so much…losing my parents the way I did. Why did I have to lose this too? What's so wrong with me that I can't be allowed to be pregnant and give birth to another child? Am I going to be that bad of a mother that God just took it away so I wouldn't screw up any other kids?"
"If there is a God out there, I don't think he singled you out, Bella. I think this is something that happened and I don't think he can stop these sorts of things. Maybe all he can do is to try to help the person survive it. Sometimes, the person just isn't strong enough. But you, my stubborn wife, you were strong enough, and now here you are to continue being my loving wife and to be a wonderful mother to Charlie."
"Some mother I am," she growled. "I can't even walk across the room without hurting myself. What if Charlie had been in my arms this morning?"
"What if he'd been in mine the other night when I nearly fell asleep standing?" I shot back.
"Yeah, but he wasn't," she argued, looking up at me with those brown eyes of hers. She was searching for something and I just prayed I would be able to find the words she needed to hear.
"Exactly. He wasn't in yours either. Yes, we're having some bad luck, but we're also catching some breaks too."
She nodded her head a little, not really looking like she accepted that answer. "Edward, do you…do you think if I would have embraced the pregnancy more and not just assumed I'd have more babies, do you think then I would have been okay?"
"Bella, I think you need to stop looking at what happened as a punishment. You aren't being punished for anything. It could have happened to anyone."
"But it didn't happen to anyone, Edward. It happened to me," she yelled, her brown eyes looking a bit dangerous with that anger flashing behind them again. "I lost my parents, I had the rough pregnancy, and I nearly died! And I'm the weak, useless, clumsy idiot that's been wasting space around here for the last nine weeks."
"You have every right to be angry, Bella."
"Stop saying that!" she creamed, trying to push me away.
I let go of her, not wanting her to hurt herself struggling against me. She managed to get herself onto her feet and she paced back and forth in front of the bed for a few minutes before speaking again.
"I don't want to be angry," she growled. "I don't want anger, or depression, or any other useless waste of time. I want to be a mother. A real mother, Edward. I want to walk the hall with Charlie in the middle of the night. I want to be at every doctor's visit. I wanted to change his first diaper, give him his first bath, and feed him the way a mother is supposed to feed her baby."
"You did give him his first bath," I argued.
She finally stopped pacing and looked at me—she looked so helpless and broken and I didn't know what I should or could do to help her.
"No," she sniffled, the tears starting to fall from her eyes. "I know you just said that not to hurt my feelings. Alice told me about you not putting the diaper on right the first day you were home with Charlie. She told me how you tried to clean it all up with baby wipes and Esme laughed at you because you were so grossed out by it. Alice said she held Charlie's head while you washed him."
I got up from the bed and slowly approached Bella, not sure if she wanted me this close or not. "I'm sorry, Bella. I wish that day with you really would have been his first time."
"So do I," she sobbed, leaning into me and burying her face in my shirt. "Edward, I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be broken and angry. I just want to be happy with you, and with Charlie. Why can't I do that?"
"Because you lost something very precious and you haven't grieved for it yet."
"I wanted to have another baby, Edward. Even as rough as the pregnancy was and with how often I was sick, I still wanted to do it again. I wanted us to have a little girl, a sister for Charlie. I wanted her to have lots of hair so I could tell you it was your turn to give her pigtails and then laugh at you when you couldn't get it exactly right. I wanted to see you get all protective when a boy came along to take her on a date."
"We can still have that, Bella. There are other ways."
"No! I don't want another way!" she screamed, slamming her fists against my shoulders. And as suddenly as she had started, she stopped and just sobbed into my shirt, holding tightly to me. "I want my way, Edward."
"I wish I could fix this for you, Bella."
"Just tell me that you really, truly don't care, Edward. Promise that you still love me, even though I'm broken now."
"Of course I still love you! You're my Bella. Nothing will ever change that."
"Then I'll find a way not to care," she said, lifting her face and showing off that very well-known stubborn look of hers. "I'll find a way to just be happy with what I do have. Because I love you and Charlie more than anything, Edward. I don't mean for it to seem any other way."
"Love, we all know you're going through a difficult time. No one is holding this behavior against you."
"What about Emmett?"
"He's just confused about how to act. That's all. He still loves you like crazy."
"It just feels like so much, Edward. So much loss and anger and it's all crushing me, making it hard for me to even breathe."
"What can I do?"
"I don't know."
"Then, I'll just hold you and tell you how very much I love you until you do know," I promised, squeezing her just a little.
There was knock on the door, followed by my parents coming into the room. "Hello, dears," my mother greeted as she sat on the edge of the bed.
"Hi," Bella said, wiping quickly at her face.
"Bella, Emmett explained what happened and we just wanted to make sure you were okay," my father said.
"No, I'm not," she sniffled, smiling at them. "Esme, how could you stand feeling this way? All of this anger, always trying to get out and attack someone?"
"I had to admit to myself exactly what it was I'd lost and then I had to say to myself, 'Esme, you lost part of what it means to be a woman, but you didn't lose yourself. And you have a beautiful family who needs you, so just get off your tush and be the woman that you are without worrying about who you were'. Of course, I had to repeat that to myself quite a few times a day in the beginning, but it eventually became just another part of my life. There's only two things you can do with anger, Bella. You can either give in to it and give up everything else, or you can get through it and learn to love yourself in a new way. Giving in is definitely a lot easier, but I doubt it's nearly as rewarding as getting through."
"I don't want to interrupt or anything," Emmett said, interrupting the conversation. "I think Charlie's had enough of me. I can't get him to stop whimpering."
"Then give him to his mother, silly," Esme said, laughing a little.
Emmett lumbered over and carefully put Charlie into Bella's arms. She held him close to her chest, putting her head right next to his and covering them both up in a veil of her chocolate hair. Charlie's whimpers immediately stopped and the only sound in the room was Bella's soft humming.
"I'm going to take Lily home," Emmett whispered—well, he attempted to whisper anyway. He leaned down and kissed the top of Bella's head. "I love you, Squirt. Please call me tomorrow."
She ignored him for the moment, not moving and continuing her soft humming.
"Bella, I'll be right back," I promised. "We're just going to walk Emmett out while you calm Charlie."
She nodded the slightest bit and I waved at everyone for them to leave the room. There might be more to discuss later on, but for right now, Bella just needed to feel like a mother.
We got to the bottom of the stairs in the living room and Emmett looked back up toward the second floor. "Edward, is she okay?"
"No, Emmett," I said honestly. "And she's not going to be for awhile yet. She hasn't found a way to accept everything yet, but she will. It would be a huge help if you could stop avoiding her, though."
"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I'm really going to work on that."
"Thank you. In the meantime, I think I'm going to go back up. She's probably done talking about this for tonight, but she seems to like it when I'm there all the same."
"That's because she loves you, Edward," my mother replied. "She's just having trouble showing it right now. But I could see that she was listening to what I said tonight. More than that, I can see she wants to move forward. Just give her space and time and things will get better."
"Alright," Emmett said, lifting Lily up into his arms. "I have to get the princess in her own bed, but I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Night everyone."
"Night," I called out, already heading back up the stairs.
I entered the room quietly, not wanting to disturb Bella and Charlie. She was in our bed with him lying on her chest and she was holding one of his tiny hands, whispering something to him. I couldn't make out the words, but I could tell whatever she was saying was important to her by the serious expression on her face.
I waited patiently and when it seemed like she was done, I made my presence known. "Emmett said to tell you 'goodnight'."
"Can Charlie sleep with us tonight? I know we're supposed to be getting him back on his schedule, but…"
"As long as you're sure he won't roll off of you, then it's fine," I assured her.
"He can't roll and if you tuck my side of the blanket under me, I won't either."
"Then that's just what we'll do," I said, moving toward her. I made sure to tuck the blanket tight enough to keep her from rolling at all and then I got in my side, pulling it around me so that we were sandwiched in the blanket and no one could roll. "First time sleeping with Mommy and Daddy, little man," I whispered, kissing the hand Bella was still holding.
"Is he asleep?" she whispered back.
"Almost. His eyes are very droopy. Maybe you should hum to him again."
"I'd rather if you were the one to hum. You do a better job with my lullaby."
"Are you sure? You'll fall right to sleep. Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to talk about tonight?"
"I really just want to be with Charlie and you. I promise we'll talk more tomorrow."
"Alright, Love," I said, kissing her lips lightly. I pulled a few of the pillows away so she was lying down comfortably and then I hummed softly until my wife and son drifted off to sleep.
Bella had been so right earlier when she'd said this wasn't fair to her. And while I couldn't do anything to change that, maybe I could do more to make her feel accepting of what we did have. She was really excited about being able to attempt breastfeeding in a few days. Maybe if I made a big enough deal out of that for her, it could be a way to help her realize not everything had been lost. She knew there was a lot to still be thankful for, but I got the impression she didn't really know how to feel thankful right now. Maybe if I felt it enough for both of us, it would help her. And if she was feeling really good tomorrow night, maybe I could have my mother spend Monday morning out doing errands, finally letting Bella have a morning alone with the baby. Somehow, someway, I would find a way to help Bella find her happiness again.