I don't really have any excuses for going this long without an update- so sorry to everyone following this story! I so appreciate all of you. My life has been chaotic, and while fanfiction is a great outlet, I've had to focus on my career these last few months! Healthcare is a wild place to be right now, but I do love it. Cheers to all of you out there in this same situation, and working on the frontlines across all areas of our society! Hoping you will all forgive me with an extra long, angsty, emotional chapter. My longest chapter to date across all stories! I always knew this is how I was going to write this chapter, but it took me a while to get there, thank you all for sticking around. To be honest, this was hard to write, so many thoughts and feelings to squeeze in. Just as a fair warning this chapter gets a little dark. My inbox is always a safe place to reach out if you are feeling like you need some extra support- this year has been tough on all of us, and just know that even though we may be strangers on the internet, I am here to listen. Hope everyone is doing well wherever you may be. - K
Chapter 11
Hailey felt like she had been punched in the gut after Jay said that. She was so angry, furious, after the accident, she didn't necessarily stop to think about the impacts of it on Jay. All she could see was red.
She sat there, sitting next to him in silence. And for once just allowing the silence. To pause, reflect, and come up with the right words to say. Jay had always been honest with her, but this was something he had clearly kept bottled up.
He could practically hear her thinking, he tensed up, the weight, the dread of this moment, just hanging in the air between them. Her not saying anything almost made him more nervous.
"Can you say something…please", Jay whispered quietly, to which Hailey quickly responded by grabbing his hand. He felt clammy. She took a sharp breath in… finally ready to do this.
The year that Jay came home after his second tour was turbulent to say the very least. After he was back on his feet physically…he still couldn't shake some of his mental and emotional wounds. But Hailey helped. A lot.
When he first came home, she was there every step of the way. She came over to keep him company every spare minute she could and took care of him when he wasn't feeling well or struggling with the grief and trauma he was carrying around. That often presented itself in him being short with her or snapping for no reason. He felt bad every time and always apologized, she always immediately accepted. He also could tell she didn't know what to do or say, but who would? Who has the right words to say to someone who just lost 4 friends in such a violent way? Your own life being turned upside down in the process?
During one particularly bad night, 6 months after he came home, Jay was so stressed, so worked up and couldn't calm down enough to sleep. So, he did the one thing he could think of that worked before, that might calm him down, and he called Hailey.
It was 2 in the morning and she was woken up by her cell phone vibrating on her nightstand. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and opened them wide enough to see Jay's name flash on the screen.
"Hello?" She mumbled, not fully awake yet.
The voice on the other end however was alert as could be. "Hey Hails."
"This better be an emergency", she replied, he knows how much she values her sleep.
"Can you come sleep over?" He asked bluntly.
She laughed at first, thinking he was messing around. But the silence following her laugh, the heavy breathing and the seriousness in his voice made the hair on her arms stand up.
"I'll be right there. Go unlock your front door", she hurried to get dressed, not even bothering to bring anything with her.'
It felt eerie, walking down to Jay's house at this hour of the night. But when he opened the front door, the pain in his eyes stuck right out to her.
"Everything okay?" She whispered, touching his arm to gauge where he was at.
He didn't say anything at first, just walking back upstairs to his bedroom. She followed, unsure what this late night call was really about. Kate wasn't doing very well, she knew that. But as far as she knew they were managing that at home now and enjoying every moment they had left together. She would never say this to Jay, but she assumed Kate was holding on long enough for Will to make it home from New York. He had a spring break coming up, signalling the last break between his studies and final placement for med school. He was staying in New York for that but had a few weeks off in between so he was flying home. That was still a few weeks away, Hailey hoped he would make it in time.
Jay crawled back into his side of the bed, his body aching at how little sleep he had gotten the last few nights.
"Jay?" Hailey called out to him in the dark, her questioning tone implying she was wondering why he called her here so late. He mumbled something about being tired back.
"Hey, listen. I know you're having a hard time. Please, just tell me what I can do to help", Hailey whispered quietly, her hand coming up to rest on the back of his neck. Even from there, she could tell how tense he was.
"I haven't slept in 4 days Hailey", he admitted.
"4 days? What? Why?" She asked, she was sure he was exaggerating.
"My migraines have been so bad this week. And every time I close my eyes, I see the Humvee. My chest feels so tight, like I can't breathe, and my mom-, my mom…", Jay couldn't finish the sentence before he broke down.
Hailey realized this was more than just him having an off night. He had been through a lot these last few months. They all had.
She reached out to grab his hand, feeling how sweaty his palms were, her thumb running along the backside of his palm. As upsetting as it was to see him cry like this, it was almost as if he needed it. Jay had been keeping things bottled up ever since he came home, he wasn't coping well with the death of his friends, the end of his army career, his own injuries, his moms sickness. Hailey knew that.
And she was having a hard time because she didn't actually know what happened to him over there. It was hard to find the right thing to say, or not to say, but every time she broached the subject Jay would immediately put walls up, become defensive, and change the topic. So, she stopped pushing, maybe he would tell her in his own time, but maybe he wouldn't. Him bringing it up right now, openly saying he was having trouble sleeping, probably nightmares too, was maybe his way of letting her in.
"Jay, have you thought about talking to someone – ", Hailey gently suggested.
"No. I don't need to do that", was his quick rebuttal.
"I want to help. But if you won't talk to me, I think someone, a professional, might be able to help…", she stood her ground.
"I said I DON'T NEED HELP HAILEY", Jay snapped, pulled his hand out from hers and shouted at her. His grief and sadness quickly turning to rage. He felt this guilt deep in his stomach as he watched her flinch, watch her eyes start to water, her bottom lip quiver.
"Well why am I here then Jay?" She asked, masking her hurt with annoyance. "Because to me, it sure as hell looks like you need help. If you don't want to make that choice for yourself, then I don't know what to say anymore. It's been 6 months of watching you self-destruct…I'm trying Jay…", Hailey got choked up, shook her head, looked at him one last time, before getting up off his bed, watching the slightest bit of hurt show on his face.
At first, he didn't say anything, solidifying her choice to go home just as quickly as she came over.
"Please don't leave", she heard a small voice whisper, a whimper almost, as she stood at the bedroom door with her back to him.
She paused, not having it in her to leave him like this, even though he wasn't treating her very nicely lately. She took a deep breath and turned around again.
Under the glow of his bedside lamp, he looked worse than he had in the last weeks. Dark circles under his eyes, pale face, how his hands were trembling.
She waited for him to say something. She knew he knew that the ball was in his court now.
"I think I'm having panic attacks honestly", Jay blurted out, through the tears and laboured, rapid breathing.
Hailey had been reading up on this as of late. The more she read into it, the more she realized Jay had many of the telltale symptoms of PTSD, Mouse too. She looked her friend up and down, taking in his physical appearance, but the most notable sign of trouble was the fear in his eyes.
She came back around her side of his bed, cautiously sitting next to him, seeing that he was starting to hyperventilate. She was by no means a professional but decided to try something out she read on the internet.
"Take a slow, deep breath Jay, copy me", she modelled to him. "Breathe in for 4 seconds", he copied her. "And hold…. And breathe out for 4", he continued to follow along.
"Good", she said after a few rounds of that, his breathing started to return to normal. Her hand slowly rubbed small circles into his back, just waiting for him to collect himself and speak.
"I want to tell you Hailey… I do… it's just. It's just really bad. Really, really terrible. I don't want you to carry this, think about this when you close your eyes too", Jay said quietly, referring to their accident. He didn't remember all of it, but most. The parts he did remember were seared into his mind forever.
"I understand Jay. But maybe talking about it will help. You know you can tell me anything, I will never judge you or look at you any differently", she said bravely, not willing to admit that she was a little scared to hear it. Mouse remembered all of it, and he was looking even worse than Jay these days. Whatever happened over there did a number on both of them.
He hesitated. "I don't think I'm ready yet."
"Okay, that's alright. We'll get through tonight and worry about everything else later", Hailey decided it was best not to push him. He looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown as is, she didn't want to add any more stress to his plate.
"Okay", he nodded his head. He was still sitting upright, lying down usually made the pain in his chest worse.
"Let's just focus on getting some rest, getting through the night", she repeated. Trying to get him to turn off the lamp and lay down next to her.
He hesitated again, looking at her, his pillow, then to her again with a questioning gaze.
"Please Lails, I just want to sleep. I'm so tired", he begged her, she clued into what it was that he was wanting.
"I know, it's okay, I've got you, let's go to sleep." She motioned for him to lie down with her, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him into her chest, realizing that's probably why he called her over here in the first place. Thinking back to his first deployment, that night after the St. Patrick's Day parade, that week at the cabin. She had a feeling then but knew for sure now. All Jay wanted was to be held, that seemed to calm him down the most. Years down the road he would tell her that it made him feel safe.
He curled up against her, his cheek pressed against her chest, his left arm resting across her stomach. The sound of her heartbeat made him feel instantly more relaxed.
"I'm sorry Lails", he mumbled, rapidly drifting off to sleep, apologizing for how he snapped at her tonight.
"It's alright Jay, I'm here. I told you, I'm not going anywhere", she silently stroked the side of his head with her hand, until she felt his body go limp, signalling he was asleep.
Her heart was breaking into a million pieces. For the first time in her life, she wasn't sure if this was something she could help him with.
"Jay honey are you still asleep in there?" Kate quietly knocked at his door. It was just past 10 in the morning, a solid 4 hours past his usual wake up time.
She opened the door before she heard a response, slightly surprised to see Hailey lying next to him. She wasn't sure when or how she got here. Her first instinct was to blush and laugh, maybe she walked in on something she shouldn't have. But on second glance, she didn't think that was the case. Jay had his shirt off, but Hailey was fully clothed. They were in an interesting position, but not necessarily a compromising one.
Jay was fast asleep, curled up into a ball, cuddling as much as Hailey as he possibly could; in the deepest sleep she's seen him since he's been home. Hailey still had her arms wrapped around him; his head was resting against her chest. Kate thought maybe he was sick, that he didn't want to bother his sick mother to take care of him, so naturally he turned to Hailey.
She quietly approached his side of the bed, resting a hand on the back of his forehead, like she's done hundreds of times for him before. As soon as she did that though his eyes shot open, and his hand clenched up into a fist. Kate immediately stepped back. The sudden outburst from Jay caused Hailey to wake up, confused at first.
"Whoa Jay", Hailey put her hands up in defense, realizing that Kate was standing at the end of his bed, looking terrified.
Jay took a few deep breaths, looking around at his surroundings, realizing where he was, and more importantly, where he wasn't.
He unclenched his fist, looking to his mom, pleading with her, apologizing profusely. He would never forgive himself if he did anything. Then to Hailey next, the look in her eyes was one of understanding, not anger or fear.
"It's alright baby, it's late I was coming in to check on you. I didn't mean to scare you, I thought you might be sick that's all", Kate explained, slowly approaching him, resting a hand on the back of his neck. He felt warm, but not a sick warm.
She shared a look with Hailey, her eyes telling her all she needed to know about what was really going on with her son.
"I'm feeling better. I just needed to sleep", Jay dodged the subject entirely. Not exactly saying what was wrong.
"Okay good. I know you've been worn down lately", Kate tried to approach the subject again. But Jay wasn't having any of it.
"I'm fine mom really. My headaches have just been really bad this week. I couldn't sleep, Hailey came over to keep me company and we passed out. I don't want you to worry. It's my turn to look after you", Jay put on a brave face, getting out of bed to stand up and hug her.
Everyone in the room knew he was lying but decided not to question it.
"Your dad made coffee and waffles, they're ready downstairs if you two are hungry", Kate went along with the subject change, not wanting Jay or Hailey to feel awkward. Instead, inviting them to join their longstanding Saturday morning tradition.
"Thanks Kate, we'll be down in a minute", Hailey spoke for the two of them.
As soon as Kate left the room, Hailey looked at Jay. "Are we going to talk about what happened?"
Jay immediately put his walls back up. "I'm fine Hails, honestly. I just needed a good night sleep. I'm sorry I yelled at you; my head really was pounding last night."
Jay didn't really believe the words falling out of his mouth and judging by the look on his best friends face neither did she. Thankfully she didn't call him on it.
Hailey sighed, picking her battles. "Okay. I'm glad you're feeling better. Let's go get some breakfast", she pulled herself out of his bed, pretending like things were normal.
And so that's what they did. Hailey would come over at least a few nights a week to sleep, they fell into that routine, and it seemed to help him. The more rested he was, the less he felt like his world was crashing down on him. He felt a little more in control as time went on. Jay's parents never said a word. They would just always set an extra plate of food and coffee mug out at breakfast. Maybe they thought the two of them had started seeing each other romantically.
That was until his mom passed away later that spring. Will had barely made it home in time but was thankfully able to say goodbye. His absence near the end, however, did not sit well with Jay. They were at each other's throats for weeks, culminating in a fist fight following their moms funeral, ending in a broken hand for Jay and a nasty black eye for Will.
Hailey had been by his side through all of it. He didn't really understand why, things were extremely messy in his life right now. He loved Hailey, so much. To the point where he almost wanted to push her away because he was scared and didn't want to put her through this. But every time he tried to do that, she stayed. Even when he started turning to alcohol, and partying and fighting. Even when he yelled at her, and said horrible things, and when Mouse started going downhill. Each time he would pretend that it was just a bad night, that his nightmares were few and far between, that he didn't use alcohol and partying as a coping mechanism. He could tell it was killing her to see him like this, to see Mouse like this too. But she stuck by them. She would still rock him to sleep, wipe his tears and make sure he knew how loved he was, how much she cared about him. Every hangover morning, he would wake up to water and Gatorade on his nightstand. There would be ice packs sitting on his swollen knuckles or she'd be resting one against his face to soothe a black eye. If she wasn't there when he woke up there would also be a note saying she would be by with dinner later. He didn't deserve her, and she didn't deserve this. He didn't know how long he could keep this act up anymore.
But, for many nights, weeks and months to come, that's what they all did, pretend.
One of several breaking points for Hailey and Jay came in the late summer of 2009. Jay had been drinking and partying a lot. At first, Hailey was happy he was letting loose, having some fun with friends again, getting readjusted to civilian life. Jay had even kissed her one night while they were out at a bar. At first, Hailey was excited, had butterflies in her stomach that this could be it. That they might finally give it a go. When she brought it up the next morning Jay had no recollection of that happening. His first response even was, "Yikes, sorry Hails." She laughed it off, but on the inside was feeling hurt and embarrassed by his reaction. Little did she know so was he, but for a different reason. He didn't want the first time they kissed to be when he was blackout. He was kicking himself for having no recollection of that. He genuinely wanted to tell Hailey how he felt, put all the cards out on the table, for real this time. But then, his mom passed away in early summer, things with Will and his dad were tense. He was a mess. No one knew how to handle his grief and trauma from Afghanistan or his grief here. Hailey tried her best to talk to him, make sure he was eating, sleeping- the basics. But things were starting to move into the realm of professional help, and that was just Jay.
Mouse was a whole different story. His parents had packed up and moved away, leaving him with some money to get an apartment. It was a blessing and a curse, having this newfound freedom, of being independent. But there was also the loneliness and spending too much time with his thoughts. Hailey went to see his new place recently; she hadn't seen Mouse in a few weeks, and she was quite taken aback by his appearance. So much skinnier and sickly looking than usual. More pale, fidgety. She was wondering if there was something else going on.
Mouse of course, denied that anything was wrong. Told her he had lost weight because he had a stomach bug the week before. Hailey didn't push it during this visit, but promised she'd make him some lasagna this week, which seemed to brighten his spirits. When she stopped at the convenience store to pick up some milk on her way home, she dug through her wallet and purse, swearing that she had a twenty in there. Must have spent it somewhere else, or so she thought.
As the weekend approached, Jay was telling Hailey about a backyard birthday party for an old friend of theirs from high school.
"Ugh do you really want to go and see everyone we know from school?" Hailey replied.
"Come on Hails it will be fun. People we haven't seen in a while, supposed to be warm this weekend. Perfect barbecue weather", Jay added. He had been in a much better mood this week than he had been all summer. Maybe he was finally turning a corner, getting a better handle on being home, grieving. Hailey didn't want to burst his bubble.
"Okay, I guess. But if we see Luke we're leaving", Hailey agreed, jokingly turning her nose up at their old class bully.
"Deal", Jay made a face at the mention of Luke's name, absentmindedly running his hand over the scar above his eyebrow he got from that fight with him on the way home from school all those years ago.
Hailey smirked, running a thumb over her handiwork, gaining a blush from Jay.
"Think Mouse will come?" Jay asked, changing the subject after suddenly feeling nervous at Hailey's gentle touch.
She quickly retracted her arm, shyly grinning. "I hope so. Getting out and seeing some old friends might do him some good."
"Agreed, I'll talk to him this week", Jay confirmed.
Saturday snuck up on them before they knew it. Hailey didn't really know the plans; she was just following along with what Jay was telling her. He said Mouse was down, but when she texted him, she got no response. Not that unusual, Mouse wasn't really one for being great at keeping in touch, especially lately. She was just relying on Jay telling him their plans.
Jay had come down to her place Saturday afternoon just before dinner, telling her he was meeting up with Chris, an old friend of theirs from high school, for a beer before they went to the barbecue.
"Sounds good, tell him I say hi. I'll head over to get Mouse and we'll meet you at Ryan's later", Hailey replied, Jay agreeing to the plan. Hailey waved goodbye to Jay, not knowing that this was the last time she'd ever look at him without anger.
Hailey knocked on Mouse's door, getting annoyed that he wasn't answering any of her calls. She had been standing in his hallway knocking for what felt like 15 minutes until she heard some signs of life from the other side.
"Mouse open up, I know you're in there!" She shouted. She was just about to pound her fist on the door again when she heard the click of his lock from the other side.
"Holy smokes thought I was going to have to call for a search party… ", she started to joke until she looked at him, really looked at him. He looked terrible. Terrible might even be a generous term, he looked like he was on deaths door. Pale, sweaty, runny nose, his eyes looked out of focus, and as she looked closer, could see him shivering.
She immediately stepped inside his apartment, still looking him up and down. "Oh Greg, what's wrong?" She put a hand on his back, gently nudging him to go sit down on the couch.
He still hadn't said a word to her, which was a bit unusual. But he looked sick as hell, she figured he just didn't have the energy.
He sat on the couch, avoiding eye contact with her at first. Hailey was confused.
"What can I do for you? You look like you have the flu", she said sympathetically as she went to feel his forehead.
He immediately flinched away, gently shaking his head, his eyes not meeting hers.
"Okay… Can I make you something? Tea? Soup? Want me to go to the store and get you some medicine?" Hailey was rattling off all the things she could think of that he might want, might make him feel better. His parents weren't around Chicago anymore, not that they were ever that warm with him anyways. But still, Hailey felt the urge to take care of him. All he had really was her and Jay. And Jay was out right now having a good time, something he needed these days.
He didn't give her a response. He stood up from the couch suddenly, running to his bathroom.
Hailey found it a bit odd, he had just told her a few weeks ago that he had a stomach bug. Mouse wasn't really one to get sick that often. Maybe he ate something, food poisoning perhaps. That would add up just based on how he looked.
She cringed as she heard him throwing up, sounding violently ill on the other side of the door. She gave him a few minutes, it sounded like the dry heaving stopped, and she heard the faucet running. She approached the bathroom after he still didn't resurface.
"Mouse?" She called out softly as she tapped on the door. Still nothing.
"Can I come in?" She tried again.
"Hmm", a quiet grunt was all she got in response. She took that as permission.
She slowly opened the door, her heart sinking a little to find Mouse curled up in a ball on the cold tile floor. He could barely lift his head, he looked awful.
"Mouse…you don't look very well. How long have you been feeling like this?", Hailey asked, surprised at the angry response she got back from him. The most he's talked since she came in.
"I'm not sick Hailey", he sneered. "I don't need your help."
Now she was even more confused. He was covered in sweat, he had the chills, she reached over him and flushed the toilet, seeing it was mostly bile that came up.
"Don't be ridiculous Greg. You're lying on your bathroom floor right now", Hailey wasn't having any of his pretend attitude today. She found a facecloth and started running it under cool water for him.
"It's not what you think", he said under his breath.
"Well what is it then, because from here you're not looking so hot", she replied, gently crouching down to dab the washcloth over his forehead. He scrunched his face up at her touch, before relaxing against the cool cloth.
"It's alright. You don't have to play the tough guy act with me. Just let me take care of you if you're sick okay?" She said softly, placing a hand against his lower back. He kind of relaxed at that, before abruptly sitting up as another wave of nausea hit him.
"You going to be sick again?" She asked.
"Maybe", he replied, his eyes forced shut, sitting on the floor hovering near his toilet.
Hailey left the room to give him a minute, and to quickly send a text to Jay to let him know what was going on. It was getting close to the time they were supposed to all meet up at Ryan's. She was about to press send when she heard Mouse throwing up again. She told herself she would come back to her phone later to get a hold of Jay.
She slowly pushed the door open again, only to find Mouse still sitting on the floor. This time, somewhat upright, hugging his knees into his chest, his head resting against his knees. He was trying to take deep breaths, his eyes still tightly shut, rocking himself back and forth in an attempt to self sooth.
"Hey", she got down to his level, plopping herself next to him. "Brought you some ice chips."
"Just leave me alone to suffer Hailey", Mouse said sounding defeated.
"Not gonna happen, sorry", she replied, nudging him jokingly.
After a while he got tired and caved, his body screaming at him to lie down again. The spins and the shakes were getting to be too much in an upright position.
He slowly rested his head on Hailey's shoulder. He couldn't see but she gently smiled as she adjusted herself to allow him to bear more of his weight onto her. She could tell he was tired. At first, they just sat there in silence, she could feel him trembling. Then he spoke up, the next part of their night would shock her.
"I've been trying to stop Hailey", he said so quietly.
She was confused, had to think about that for a second. Then it all clicked, his demeanour lately, his weight loss, how sick he had looked the last couple times she saw him, and how he had started to push Jay and Hailey away… He wasn't sick. He was going through withdrawal.
"I'm sorry that you're going through this Mouse", she replied, knowingly.
"I took money from your purse last week Hailey, I'm so sorry", Mouse was starting to get upset.
"I know, it's okay", she told him.
"You're not mad? I'm such a screw up. This is so messed up. I don't know how I got here", he said as he started to cry. Not a messy, loud cry. But a full on sob, the kind that originated deep in his chest, caused his whole body to heave. Hailey could tell this had been causing him so much pain, his heart was racing she could feel it through his shirt. Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he just looked up at her, so helplessly.
"No, I'm not mad Mouse. I love you; I want to support you. You need help", she spoke again, gently suggesting help this time, feeling her own eyes start to well up. She didn't know how it came to this either. But that didn't matter anymore, they were here now, and he wasn't going to be alone moving forward.
Once he started, all he could do was cry. His body fully leaned into hers, Hailey moved to put her arms around him, supporting him in more ways than one. She kissed the top of his head, not needing to say anything else, just to show that she was here with him and for him. In it for the long haul.
So, there it was, after nearly a year Mouse spilled his guts as they were sitting together on his bathroom floor. Told her the whole story of their Humvee accident, by the end Hailey had tears running down her cheeks, goosebumps covering her skin.
"When I came to, Luke…Luke I thought he was in my lap. But it was just his head", Mouse said void of all emotion. That scared Hailey the most. That he was numb to it.
"Jay doesn't remember that part, thank God", he added. "He was hurt, more so than me. So, I got us out of there. And I checked on the others…. But there wasn't much left to check on. Just…just their body parts. When I close my eyes Hailey…that's all I see. And it hurts, it hurts so bad", he tried to wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I can't imagine that Mouse, you guys have been to hell and back. I'm so sorry I didn't notice sooner, I would have helped- I am going to help", Hailey confirmed, shaking her head, mostly at herself, kicking herself that she didn't notice her best friend slipping through the cracks. She had been so wrapped up in Jay, worrying about him, Kate's passing… She thought back to that night driving home with Kate from the ICU. Kate had told her about the Form 1, working in her profession now she knew what that meant. That should have been a red flag all along, but she had forgotten all about it. Part of her had just put everything that happened that night in a little box and packed it away, it had been a traumatic time for her. All that mattered now was that she was going to give Mouse the love and support he deserved through all of this.
"It's not your fault, I- the nightmares, just waking up drenched in sweat. I was so tired all the time, but I couldn't sleep. I felt like I was starting to lose my mind. Then the oxy's… they helped. And I want to stop, I don't want to become that. But every time I try to stop this happens", he motioned to him being sick.
"Mouse look at me", Hailey said. At first, he didn't make eye contact, but she tilted his chin up, so he did.
The eyes staring back at her looked like the ones she remembered growing up. Only now, they were a little more scared and timid, but still had this deep desire to belong.
"It's going to be okay. I'll sit on this bathroom floor with you all night if we have to, and get through this together", she added, her own voice a little shaky, but she stood her ground. She had to right now. He nodded silently.
"Does Jay know?" Hailey asked about the elephant in the room.
"No", Mouse confirmed quietly.
Meanwhile, across town Jay had arrived at their friend Ryan's and was getting worried when he hadn't heard from Hailey or Mouse in a couple hours. Neither of them were answering their phones. Maybe they just got caught up in traffic, or their phones had died. He was trying to keep himself calm, his anxiety seemed to skyrocket at the smallest of things these days.
Ryan and old buddies of theirs from high school kept feeding him beers, to which Jay happily obliged. He ended up having a great time catching up, telling old stories and new ones. Talking about what he was up to now post Army life, all that fun stuff.
As soon as the Rangers were mentioned though he started getting this pit in his stomach, a familiar panicky feeling started to creep in. He took a few deep breaths and continued on. The guys didn't notice anything was off, and they moved on to another topic. Jay felt his heart rate slow. I can do this, he thought to himself. I can keep masking for another few hours. So that's what he did. By the time he checked his watch again it was well past the time Hailey told him she would meet him there. Maybe she stood him up, or maybe there was something else going on. He sent her yet another text.
Hey, everything okay? You guys were supposed to be here hours ago… call me.
No reply.
Hails, getting worried…it's okay if you stood me up, just want to know that you're okay?
Hailey could hear her phone buzzing on the countertop outside of the bathroom and she was positive she knew who was texting her.
She couldn't exactly move though. Mouse was passed out cold lying down on the floor with his head in her lap. He had been sick a few more times, she tried to convince him to go lie in his bed but he refused. He said he still felt like he was going to throw up, and that he was too weak to move, and that the cold tile felt good on his skin. So, Hailey was trying to make him as comfortable as possible where they were. He stayed like that for a few more hours, as he shook and shook and shook. Hailey covered him with the cardigan she was wearing, rubbing his back, coaxing him to try and eat some ice chips when she could.
She began thinking to herself that if he didn't stop throwing up soon, she might have to take him to the hospital, he was dehydrated, and couldn't keep anything down. But they weren't there just yet. She felt bad leaving Jay in the dark, he was probably getting worried about them.
It was just after 9 o clock when Jay started to unravel. He was feeling a bit tipsy and seeing everyone from high school was fun at first. But they all kept asking about his tours and saying how glad they were to see him home, and how sorry they were to hear about his mom, and it was all just becoming too much for him to keep pretending.
He went to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. He tried calling Hailey a few more times. If she wasn't going to come to the party for whatever reason, maybe she would at least pick him up. He was starting to feel really anxious and overwhelmed.
He went back outside to start to make his rounds and say good-bye. He decided that he needed to remove himself from this situation, he could feel his fight or flight starting to kick in. He felt sweaty and that everyone must be staring at him. Looking at him as the "injured overseas, mom just died" guy. He knew everyone meant well, but all he wanted to do was go home and lie in his bed, preferably with Hailey.
He kept calling, but she still didn't answer. So, he started to call other people who he thought might be able to pick him up. His dad was at work, Will was in New York, Hailey and Mouse were MIA. Their other neighbourhood friend Scott picked up but said he was out of town. Fortunately, Mike, Hailey's brother picked up next. It was a call of desperation, but Jay knew Mike was solid and would give him a ride home.
"Ahhh, I've had a few beers myself man", Mike initially said. Jay could hear some people in the background, sounded like he was at a party too.
"Please. I really need to get out of here, too crowded. Just not feeling it", Jay somewhat begged.
"Where's my sister?" Mike questioned. Not that he had anything against helping Jay, but Hailey was typically more his go to.
"She's not answering. She was going over to see Mouse. Not sure what happened there", Jay said coolly. He was annoyed that she didn't at least give him a heads up she was bailing. He probably wouldn't have come to the party if he knew that.
"Gotcha. Alright, well I probably shouldn't be driving just yet…give me half hour to sober up", Mike replied, hearing the desperation in Jay's voice. He knew something was wrong with him lately too.
"Okay, thanks Mike. I owe you one", Jay said relieved.
"No worries man be there soon", Mike replied. Short and sweet. Jay always liked Mike. Never asked too many questions, although he was sure he knew some things through Hailey. They were really close. And so were Will and Mike. Mike has always treated him the same way, after coming home from the war too. Jay appreciated that most.
Jay could make it another half hour. He took in a few more big gulps of fresh air and went back to force some smiles and laughs with his peers.
While Jay was out with friends, Hailey was still tending to Mouse, who just threw up for what must have been the tenth time since she got here. But a big win for her back- Mouse had finally agreed to stop lying on the floor and go lie down in his bed. A moment of rest after all that heaving. Hailey tucked him in, turning him on his side in bed. Although he looked peaceful now, she had this pit in her stomach that things were about to take a turn for the worst. Across town, so much worse did things become.
Jay watched as Mike pulled up to their friends house, jumping the curb ever so slightly with his old SUV. Something in the back of Jay's mind was yelling at him to stop, to just call a cab for both of them- Mike had told him he had a few beers. His mom was always telling him and Will- "don't ever get into a car with someone whose been drinking. I don't care where you are, I will come pick you up."
But that was then, and his mom wasn't here anymore, and Mike was. Part of Jay didn't care that Mike might be drunk. He just so desperately wanted to get out of there, he was starting to get a headache, and after that usually meant a panic attack. He was sure it would be fine. This wasn't the first time anyone had a few beers and was still okay to drive home.
Jay got in the car, Mike smiling at him, greeting him with a big handshake.
"You look like you're ready to get out of here", Mike said.
"Big time- can only handle so much of a high school reunion, you know?", Jay joked, trying to deflect.
"I get that. Alright let's go home", Mike put the car in drive, starting off towards their houses.
But they would never get there.
...
Jay blinked a few times; his ears were ringing, he smelled gas. There was a sharp shooting pain down his left arm, his head felt wet and warm.
It took him a second to orient himself. He opened his eyes, looking around slowly. There were lights and sirens. And a big commotion in front of him. All of a sudden, his mind flashed back to the desert. Their Humvee was on its side, the windshield smashed out. Mouse was yelling at him to take off his seat belt, to pull himself out of the side window. So that's what he did.
But someone was there to hold him back, he would learn later it was a bystander.
"Hey man relax, don't move you're hurt", the voice told him, pressing their hand lightly against his right arm.
"I have to get to Nate", Jay found his voice, not knowing he wasn't making any sense, motioning to what he thought was his Army friend up ahead of him.
His eyes travelled towards the shattered windshield, glass all over the inside of the dash, looking for his friend. There were a couple people crowded outside of the front of the car. Jay followed the commotion, realizing that they were crowded around a body.
Only this time, he wasn't in a flashback or a nightmare, it was his real life. And the lifeless, crumpled body lying on the pavement wasn't Nate, it was Mike.
To be continued...