A/N: Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, guys, just couldn't quite find enough minutes in the day. I managed to cobble something together today though. It's a bit of silliness but hope you'll enjoy anyways. ;)
Chapter Thirteen
"How much longer are you going to be?" grunted Happy, widening his stance so he could balance better.
Tony was sitting on Happy's shoulders, arms stretched above him as he worked on a bit of circuitry he'd exposed in the ceiling. "You can't rush greatness."
"How about annoying?" Happy grumbled. "Can I rush that?"
"You know, for a guy named Happy, you can be really cranky sometimes," observed Tony blithely. He pulled free a couple of wires and examined them closely.
"And you're heavier than you look," shot back Happy as he was forced to hold onto Tony's legs more tightly as the other man leant forward to grab out more wires. "Life is full of contradictions."
Tony checked the latest batch of wires and frowned. "Why are you arcing?" he muttered, knowing full well they weren't going to tell him. They seemed perfectly fine to him and Tony couldn't work out why he was getting occasional heat sensor alarms in the ceiling of his lab.
"You know, you could just stand on a ladder and do this," Happy pointed out.
"I didn't have a ladder in the lab," said Tony, distracted. "You were here." He looked down between his legs to Happy's slightly red face. "Although, if I'd known you were going to complain this much, I'd have thought twice about it."
"Can you think twice about it now?" Happy suggested. "Because I want to watch the news."
"Jarvis, turn on the TV," Tony instructed his AI unit before clenching a screwdriver in his mouth and reaching for another bundle of wires.
"That isn't what I meant," said Happy in annoyance, but he twisted his head to watch the screen floating in the air anyways.
A woman's face was on the screen as she beamed into the camera. "And finally in entertainment news the New York Education For All Charity Gala was held last night and has been touted as a huge success by the organisers. One and a half million dollars has been raised for this worthy cause by the elite of New York's business world and celebrity. The who's who of society attended the event but a notable absence to the event was a big supporter of the gala in the past, Tony Stark. The CEO of his company and current girlfriend, Pepper Potts attended in his place." The woman continued on in a cheeky tone. "However, her arm wasn't bare when it came to man candy."
Tony stopped what he was doing and turned to face the screen as well, his lips thinning in annoyance.
"Pepper was escorted to the gala by none other than Captain America's gorgeous alter ego, Steve Rogers, who, after all that time in ice, might just be looking for someone to help him thaw out just a little bit. Rumour has it that Ms Potts has offered her services for that particular task."
A photo flashed up on the screen of Pepper leaning in towards Steve as they stood on a balcony and it looked like they were about to kiss or had just kissed. The picture was obviously taken from a great distance away and was a little grainy. Pepper had already told Tony about the kiss and how innocent it was, but that didn't stop his jaw from hardening.
The woman was back on screen, looking amused. "It looks like Pepper Potts may be considering trading in her ultra-modern boyfriend for a vintage model. All I can say is, I wouldn't mind trading places with her for a day and-"
"Off," said Tony sharply.
"Don't let it bother you," Happy prompted him. "They're just trying to make up something to talk about."
"I'm not bothered," said Tony tersely, "why would you think that?"
"Your crotch has gone all tense." Happy blew out a resigned breath. "I'm so sad that I know about the state of your crotch."
"You can't honestly believe I think Pepper could prefer Captain Vanilla to me?" asked Tony in disbelief.
"Vanilla is the most popular flavour in the world," Happy pointed out.
Tony was shocked. "That can't be right." He paused. "Can it?"
"I'm just saying a lot of people like vanilla, boss. I wouldn't discount it as a worthwhile flavour."
"Alright, if the Capsicle is vanilla, what flavour am I?" Tony demanded to know.
Happy didn't miss a beat. "Hand grenade."
Tony just stared down at him. "I don't enjoy our little talks anymore."
"I'd enjoy them more if I wasn't wearing your thighs as ear muffs."
"It's the must-have look this winter." Tony frowned, worried about what he was hearing. "I just can't believe that Pepper could see anything in Captain Blah."
"If you can't believe it, why don't you let it go?"
Tony didn't have an answer for him.
Happy sighed. "Have you talked to Pepper about this?"
"Yes, she said I'm being insane and irrational," said Tony unhappily. "And then she called me Blinky."
"Oh yeah, Blinky," said Happy knowingly, "so it wasn't pretty then?"
Tony looked down at him in surprise. "You know about Blinky?"
"Of course I know about Blinky. He's the guy who sent me out to hunt down an imaginary raccoon and I ended up being savaged by a demented squirrel."
"Hey, that could have been what happened to my watch," Tony protested. "Raccoons have got-"
"Sneaky fingers, yeah, I remember," said Happy flatly. "But my point is that you got crazy over a situation that didn't warrant it and I ended up being the only fingering victim, sneaky or otherwise!" There was a long pause after Happy's emphatic statement while both men pondered how that sentence had ended up.
At last Tony spoke. "I'm just going to go ahead and pretend I didn't hear that last line of yours. Are you cool with that?"
"Icy cool," said Happy without hesitation.
Bruce chose that moment to walk through the sliding doors of the lab and he came to a halt as he took in Tony sitting on top of Happy's shoulders. "You know, Tony," he commented casually, "you're a rich guy. If you want a pony, why not just buy one instead of riding Happy around all the time?"
Tony wasn't in the mood for being teased. "Happy, put me down."
"Gladly," said Happy, crouching down so Tony could jump off his back.
Bruce looked up at the open ceiling panel. "Found out what's causing the sensor alarms?"
Tony scratched his cheek with the screwdriver which was still in his hand and looked up at the ceiling as well. "No, not yet. It seems completely random and whatever is happening isn't leaving any kind of evidence about what went on. I'll figure it out." He turned his attention back on Bruce. "Do you think I'm unreliable?" Tony abruptly demanded to know.
"Yes."
Tony scowled. "You can take some time to think about it."
"Don't need to," said Bruce blithely.
"Do you think Pepper sees me as unreliable?" Tony fretted.
Bruce's reply was instantaneous once again. "Yes."
Tony was outraged. "You can't know that!"
Bruce leant against Tony's work bench. "Last night, just before she left with Steve to the gala, you know, the one you stood her up for, she said that was what she got for loving an unreliable man." He folded his arms. "So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty comfortable in my call on that one."
"Pepper said that?" asked Tony in distress. "She actually called me unreliable?"
"I had to clean it up a little bit," said Bruce straight-faced, "but that was the gist of it."
"I can't believe I'm hearing this," Tony spluttered.
Bruce tilted his head and regarded Tony closely. "How is this coming as a surprise to you, Tony?"
Tony was dumbfounded at this revelation. "I know I don't always turn up on time to things, or sometimes at all, and I don't always do what I'm say I'm going to do when I said I was going to do it, but that doesn't make me unreliable."
Happy grimaced. "Actually, boss, that's pretty much the definition of being unreliable."
Tony wasn't going down without a fight. "But I always do that stuff, which, when you think about it, makes my unreliability very reliable, so it doesn't count."
Bruce blinked and looked a little lost for words.
"You heard it here first, folks," said Happy in amusement, "Tony Stark unveils his own personal super power and it's self-justification."
Tony jabbed a finger at them both. "That makes total sense, you know it does."
"Being reliably unreliable is like being famously infamous," Bruce reasoned. "It's not a good thing."
Tony was crushed to think Pepper didn't feel like she could rely on him, but he was finding it hard to build a case against the label. He frowned, not knowing how he could possibly fix something that he wasn't aware he was doing ninety percent of the time. Tony felt the need to change the subject. "Where are Heckle and Jeckle?"
"They're watching their stories," Bruce informed him.
Tony rolled his eyes, happy to have something else to momentarily dwell on. "I can't believe they've gotten sucked into a stupid soap opera."
"It's a telenovela," Bruce corrected him. "So, that would be an estúpido soap opera."
Tony didn't care. "What's it called again, 'The Bursting Bosom'?"
"El Corazón Palpitante, The Pounding Heart," Happy joined in. "They started watching some TV to try and acclimate into this world and time zone and I guess they kinda got hooked."
"Neither of them can even speak Spanish," Tony pointed out.
Bruce shrugged. "That's why God invented subtitles."
Tony shook his head. "It's ridiculous."
Happy was more open-minded. "Those kinds of things can be strangely addictive, boss."
"I wouldn't know about that, I don't have an addictive personality," Tony countered, absolutely straight-faced.
Bruce and Happy looked at each other. Happy shook his head. "I don't have the strength, you go."
Bruce gave a little laugh. "Is there any point?"
Jarvis interrupted before Tony could launch his best betrayed outrage patter. "Sir, Colonel Rhodes is on the line for you."
"Put him through," Tony said quickly. "Hey, Rhodey, am I unreliable?"
There was a brief pause before Rhodey's voice filled the air. "Is this a trick question?"
"Come on, pal, you know me," Tony wheedled, "aren't I your go to guy?"
"If I want to be stranded in a Hong Kong jail without my passport," said Rhodey flatly, "then yeah, you're my go to guy, Tony."
"Are you not over that yet?" asked Tony in exasperation. "I came right back for you when I remembered my private jet had taken off without you after that party."
"A week later," said Rhodey dourly.
"So, you had a little extended vacation time, what's the big deal?"
"I'm going to stop this conversation before I get mad," Rhodey informed him.
Tony threw up his hands. "Why is everyone being so unreasonable today?"
"Can I talk to you about what I rang about in the first place?"
"I don't know," said Tony petulantly, "are you sure I'm not too unreliable?"
Rhodey wasn't about to feel guilty apparently. "There are some risks that just have to be taken. You said I had to bring the War Machine suit in for some updates this week. I was just checking when we can get that done?"
"Tomorrow," said Tony, not completely mollified, "but don't bring it here."
"Why not?"
"I'm working on something with some rogue nanotechnology and I don't want War Machine anywhere near it, just in case, okay?"
"Sure," said Rhodey easily. "Where do you want me to meet you?"
"Malibu," said Tony decisively. "I can run the updates from there and check everything out."
"What time?"
"Ten."
"I'll see you at three."
"I'll be there at ten," said Tony in annoyance.
Rhodey laughed. "Sure you will, Tony, I believe you."
The other man hung up and left a miffed Tony in his wake. He glared at Happy and Bruce. "I am reliable."
"Just agree with him," Happy advised Bruce, "otherwise we're both going to grow old and die in this conversation."
"You're fired," Tony announced.
"Oh no," said Happy with feigned disappointment, "I'll never know the heady thrill of being a ladder again."
"Shut up," Tony growled, and deciding right there and then to do something about this unreliability business.