AN-Now the Chapters get serious, and longer. Angst, love, violence and adult content. Thanks for the feedback! Have no fear, I am a Willow/Tara fan, but a long and bumpy road lies ahead.
Chapter Three-Willow's Betrayal
June 2002
Tara realized life had not always been kind to her. She lost her mother young, leaving her to an angry father and brother, with painful shyness and an accompanying stutter, and the icing of being a lesbian in a small close-minded town. But with all the hurdles life had imposed, Tara had been gifted with inner strength of unknown depth, a kind and loving nature, a quicker intellect than people recognized, and of course, being an empathic witch.
For the last three months though, Tara had felt listless and unfocused. She had barely finished her semester with grades adequate to keep her scholarship intact. Food wouldn't go down, or stay down. And the nightmare either awoke her or kept her from sleeping most nights. But of course it isn't really a nightmare when it is just reliving the single most terrifying event of your life over and over.
She knew she needed to talk to someone, but whom? A counselor couldn't hear what she had to say with the magick involved, she would be committed to a mental institution. And she just couldn't bring herself to talk to Buffy and tell her what Willow had done, especially since she wasn't sure exactly what it was that had happened. Buffy would listen and be understanding, but ultimately she was Willow's best friend, not hers.
Finals were over and she was faced with the prospect of finding someplace to stay for the summer. She knew responsibly she was overdue to find a summer job and housing, but she had been too sick physically and too exhausted mentally to face these daunting tasks. Now with only a day to pack up and leave the dorms, she found herself unable to get out of bed at all. How ironic that now after all these weeks of constant slumber-depriving nightmares, sleep seemed determined to find her. She succumbed to an early night, resolved to face life in the morning, and immediately slipped into a dream from better times.
"Buffy's on patrol, and Dawn is at a sleepover sweetie. Leave the demon database and come take a bath with me," Tara whispered in Willow's ear. "That will get us both naked, and who knows what could happen?"
Time alone as a couple had been hard to come by since Buffy's death and resurrection. Time alone had sometimes just been hard. Tara was getting more and more concerned by Willow's use of dark magick, but she was determined to find a way to help her lover and savior from Glory's madness. Connecting intimately was always a good approach with Willow, who could no more deny Tara than fail a class.
"What are we still doing here?" Willow asked as she took Tara's hand and scurried up the stairs. Tara went to fill the tub as Willow scrounged around the bedroom for a few candles. Meeting in the bathroom, Willow held her breath as Tara approached her, having shed all but her blue silk bra and matching panties. "Oh Goddess," Willow exhaled as Tara slid soft hands up her arms and began to unbutton her shirt.
"Let me help you with these," Tara offered as she took the candles from Willow's hands and moved to place them around the room. Willow finished removing her shirt, lit the candles with a wave of her hand and reached out to bring Tara into a firm embrace. Neither young woman said anything for several minutes as they melted into each other feeling the ever-present connection of love and magick flow between them.
Finally, the tub was ready and the remaining clothing discarded quickly. As Willow settled into the bath and into her arms Tara realized she was more turned on than she had been since having her sanity restored. She took a washcloth and citrus soap and started to bathe Willow from the back of her neck to her shoulders and back and around to her chest.
Low sounds of approval escaped Willow's throat as Tara dropped the cloth and began to massage her breasts. She rinsed with one hand while the other began to stroke and roll Willow's nipples. "Tara," was all Willow could say as she gripped the blonde's hips in her hands. "Feel good sweetie?" Tara asked as Willow began to breathe harder. "Yes, but you need to get clean too," Willow groaned out as she quickly turned in the tub to face Tara.
This time the washcloth started at the base of Tara's neck, moved out over each clavicle and then moved down to wash circles around each of Tara's generous breasts. After seeing Tara's head back with eyes shut and hearing her breath quicken Willow continued down to her abdomen and finally nestled in her soft curls. "This will require a more delicate process," Willow whispered to her lover as she gently parted the soft skin of her outer lips. A single pass with the cloth and Willow returned her fingers alone to stroke along the full length of her lover's center. "You are so beautiful. I will never stop being amazed by you."
Willow touched one finger to Tara's opening and smiled as she said "I don't think that wetness is water baby. Do you want to move to the bed?" "No." Tara's eyes opened as she held Willow's wrist firmly in place. "Now. I need you." As Tara lifted her hips slightly she pulled Willow to her lips by the back of her neck. Willow wasted no time in slipping two fingers into her lover and moaned as she felt the soft slick walls envelop her. Willow explored Tara's mouth with her tongue as her fingers found an easy rhythm slowed slightly by the sloshing water surrounding them.
When Willow broke the kiss and moved to suck a hard nipple in her mouth Tara found her voice. "Oh Goddess Willow I'm close." Willow responded by moving her mouth to Tara's other nipple and finding her clit with her other hand. Stroking her softly and then applying pressure brought more vocalization. "Oh yes, yes, Willow, Willloooow," Tara cried out as her orgasm flowed through her like the small waves they had created in the bath. Back and forth she was carried, floating as she squeezed Willow inside of her. Willow slowed her movements until Tara stilled and laid back and then crawled close and wrapped her arms around her love as best she could in the tub.
"I wish," Willow started and then paused. "What do you wish?" Tara responded. "Well, please don't think it is creepy or anything, or that I don't love being a woman, a woman with a woman, that woman being you, or that I am missing anything at all, because I love our life, and our love and. . ." "Will." Tara reached down and pulled up Willow's chin. "What." When Willow looked into the depths of the blue eyes she loved, she calmed her babble. "I wish we could have a baby."
Tara was momentarily surprised, but realized the love implicit in Willow's statement. "I would love to have a baby with you someday Willow. Who knows what the future may hold here on the Hellmouth."
Seeing Willow's grin stretch across her face she rose from the bathtub. "Let's take this to our room. Maybe I could practice on you?" Tara quirked as she grabbed towels and stepped out of the bath.
Tara awoke with tears on her cheeks. She hadn't thought about that night in a long time. It was one of the last really amazing nights she had with Willow before the fights over magick started to really interfere in their relationship. She sighed deeply which resulted in an immediate wave of nausea pouring over her. She grabbed the trash can in time but found she had little in her system to give up. I guess not eating much is at least helpful for this, she thought. Even the idea of getting up and packing seemed overwhelming now.
A she was allowing her stomach to settle there was a knock at her door. Grabbing a robe she answered to find Buffy leaning in her doorway. "Buffy. Hi." Tara invited the Slayer in, feeling surprised with an undercurrent of fear. "Has something happened?"
The Slayer shook her head no, "Tara, you don't look too good. I just wanted to check where you were staying for the summer, in case, you know, I needed to find you to tell you anything about, well, you know."
Buffy stepped further into the room and looked around, "Tara, you aren't even packed! And I thought I was a procrastinator. You do know the dorms close today, right?"
Tara didn't know what to say. Buffy had always been kind to her, especially after the resurrection and seeing the close relationship she had developed with Dawn. But she had always been Willow's best friend. Now Willow was gone, and neither of them knew where she had disappeared to. And things had happened that Tara was not prepared to tell Buffy about yet. Things that she was afraid would make the Slayer take Slayer-type action against Willow if they ever did find her. She was just so tired. And sick. Sick and tired. She started to tell Buffy she would be OK and was packing up today when another wave of nausea hit her. She bolted to the bathroom leaving Buffy standing in her room looking confused.
When Tara came back the Slayer simply looked at her and said, "You are coming home with me. Dawn will love you being back, and I don't think we need to save the room for Willow at this point, do you? I don't know what's going on with you, but I won't leave you alone. You look bad Tara."
"Buffy, I'll be OK. I just have to figure out what's going on with me," Tara started to protest only to have Buffy interrupt her. "I haven't been a very good friend lately. I couldn't even stop my best friend from self-destructing and disappearing. I haven't checked in to see how you are doing after everything you did for me and Dawn. But I can do this. Let me help you. I think you coming to the house might help all of us, OK? Please Tara."
Slayer strength accomplished the moving of Tara's simple belongings quickly and they settled her into Buffy's old room now that Buffy had taken back the larger room Tara and Willow had once shared. "I'm going to take a short nap, OK Buffy?" Tara asked after the last box was brought upstairs.
"Sure, you look like you could use it. I'm headed to work soon and Dawn will be back from school in a few hours. Make yourself at home."
Tara could only give the Slayer a tired smile, "Thanks Buffy, I really appreciate your help. I'll see you tonight."
When Dawn came home she saw the door to Buffy's old room closed but didn't think anything of it. Buffy got off work at 10pm and stopped by the house to change for patrol. "Did you and Tara have dinner?" she called out to her sister.
"Tara? Was Tara going to come over for dinner?" Dawn asked.
"I moved Tara into my old room today from the dorms. You haven't seen her yet?" Buffy asked back.
"No. And I've been here since 4 o'clock! What's going on?" Dawn answered. They both peeked into the bedroom and saw Tara sound asleep.
"I guess she is really tired. Leave her be Dawn. We'll talk to her in the morning, OK?" The sisters went their separate ways, both worried about Tara.
Both Buffy and Dawn were awakened in the morning to the sound of the blond witch vomiting in the bathroom. Dawn asked if she could help and Tara just shook her head no.
Buffy got a glass of water and helped Tara back to bed. "When was the last time you ate, Tara?" Buffy inquired as she put her hand on the witch's forehead.
"Not sure, maybe a day or two." Tara responded sheepishly.
"Well, you don't have a fever, but you are nauseous and tired. If I didn't know better I'd think you had morning sickness. But then you'd have to be pregnant and I don't see how that could have happened. Well, of course technically it could happen, oh God Tara, you're not pregnant are you?" Buffy panicked.
"Don't be ridiculous Buffy", Tara started to say, but midway her eyes lost focus and she slumped back into the bed. "It's not possible," she heard herself say out loud. But even as the words left her mouth, she knew it was not only possible, but the only explanation for everything that she had experienced and was now feeling deep inside.
But now was not the time to have this conversation with Buffy. She needed confirmation first and then she could decide what she needed to do. Then she realized Buffy was talking again. "Well maybe you should still see a doctor to figure out why you are sick."
"You're right, of course I will." Tara assured her.
"Well, if you promise. I'm going to make some breakfast for us. Or at least open some cereal boxes and take milk out of the refrigerator. You need to come eat something, Ok?" Buffy added as she headed downstairs.
Several hours later Tara found herself slumped against the base of one of her favorite trees on campus. She and Willow had met here often to study or picnic and the beauty of the site had always given Tara comfort. But not today. Confirmation of her situation came quickly with a visit to the student health center. The nurse had given her the news with a concerned but weary look and a waving reference to the flyers for "pregnancy options" stacked against the wall.
As she surveyed the mostly empty summer campus Tara reflected back on the last six months. Months of loneliness. I had been alone most of my life, but lonely? I hadn't known loneliness because I had always been alone. Alone I could do in spades. But in addition to betraying me and making the magick more important than me, Willow had left me to feel lonely for the first time in my life. Heart achingly lonely. Cry all night and half the day lonely. I know I left her. I knew things got worse because of that decision and I second guessed myself a few hundred times a day. But I believed leaving was the only way to preserve any shred of dignity I still had and to make her see how out of control she was.
My leaving seemed to slowly take effect. She stopped magick. When I saw her that day outside the Magic Box I could see a glimmer of the old Willow, the girl who was just excited to see me. I knew it would be hard, but I started to think maybe we had a chance. I had planned to ask her to coffee, start to communicate again. I had been looking for her after class and thought I saw her one day, but she was headed the other direction and I missed her. I thought I would try again the next day after class, but I ended up seeing Willow that same fateful night in March, and it was the last time I ever saw her.
None of the Scoobies had ever come to my new dorm room. I hadn't even bothered with any protection spells, an oversight on my part I would soon regret. Most of my things were still in boxes. I simply hadn't cared enough to unpack let alone decorate.
I should have known Willow would know where I lived, although she was not the first person I saw when I awoke in shock and pain late that night. A man was standing over me, next to the bed. Stringy hair, scarred face, I had never seen him in person, but knew instinctively he must be Rack. His hands were stretched out over me. A glow, dark red and exuding anger, extended from his palms to me. When I started to move, and scream, he spoke a short phrase and I found myself frozen. The pain grew and spread, until I felt it searing deep into my core. His efforts continued for some minutes with increasing intensity. No stranger to pain, this was worse than anything I had ever experienced. It was a violation of my body as Glory had violated my mind.
And then I realized Willow was there. My savior was standing behind Rack in the shadows. My faith in her love for me left no doubt in my mind that she would stop what was happening. But then I saw this was not my beautiful redheaded witch. Her hair was as black as her eyes. Veins were visible running down her face and arms. Rack simply looked at Willow and the glow and the pain continued. Their eyes locked and I could feel the dark magick pouring off not only Rack, but Willow. They spoke to one another, but the words jumbled in my pain ridden mind.
Then Willow extended her hands, one toward me and one toward Rack. The air in front of Rack became, I can only describe it, as disturbed. Then, a shimmer appeared, which became a tear, then a full rift. I could see an area of darkness and feel cold emanating from the rift as it became larger. Rack bellowed at Willow that it was too late, but Willow only reached out closer to me and I saw the glow move from Rack's palm to Willows. I felt the power fluctuate, and the color changed to golden amber.
The pain did not dissipate, but lessened in intensity and I could clearly hear Willow as she growled at him, "This ends now. You will not use her. And you will return from where you came." As Willow waved her hand, Rack moved toward and then into the rift.
"Not so fast Strawberry. You cannot force this shift and close the rift from this side. And I promise, you do not want to follow me to that place. But if you force me, I will make sure you make this trip as well. You will fare no better there than me, Dark One," Rack replied.
"No, probably not," Willow agreed as Rack moved fully into the darkness of the rift. She then turned to me and as she was rapidly pulled and enveloped by the portal herself she closed her eyes and mouthed "I'm sorry." In an instant, the rift narrowed, the tear sealed, the glow and pain were gone, and I was once again alone in my room.