Chapter Four- Return to Addiction

March 2002

I need to do better, Willow decided. I have seen Tara several times over the last few weeks, outside the Magic Box, at Buffy's birthday party and at Xander and Anya's non-wedding. Each time I could barely hold a conversation. Why do I always freeze up at a mere glimpse of her?

I spend days, weeks, months thinking about all the things I want to say to her. Starting with I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Magick versus Tara, Tara wins in a knockout. I've missed you. I can't sleep without you. I haven't done magick in months. Please give me another chance. I'll do anything, whatever you ask, to just get you to smile at me again. Even if you can never trust me again, let me prove myself to you. I need you to know I will never violate your trust again. Oh, and your lips. Have I mentioned they are the softest things I have ever touched? And oh, the other touching. I miss that too, understatement much? Again with the what was I thinking?

Sometimes I dream of how our bodies fit, melded together, until no space could exist between us. How I could lay, stretched out completely on top of you, and feel every point of contact, electric. My hands in your hair, yours moving up and down my back. And then as I would reach to touch you, I would see the love in your deep blue eyes reaching into me, mirroring the caress I wanted to bestow with my hand, but your look caressed my soul.

Why can't I say these things? Tara, I'm so afraid. It's been so long. Do you still love me? Care for me at all? Are you trying to move on? I can't take it anymore. Soon. I can be resolve girl. I'll find you after class. Coffee and talk. That would be alright, wouldn't it? I have to know Tara, if there is any chance.

I am smiling, waiting in the hall as I see Tara leave class. I start forward to greet her, but she is already greeting someone. No not someone. A girl. A pretty girl. With a kiss on the cheek and a smile. My Girl, my beautiful blond witch, chatting easily, standing close with familiarity to this pretty girl I do not know. I do the only thing I can think of, I run, tears streaming down my face. She's moved on. Who can blame her. No more smiles for Willow. No more deep blue eyes soothing my soul. All I can do is run, far away. Nowhere is far enough because I am still there. How can I escape myself?

No, I can't be here. I don't want to be here of all places. Why are my feet still moving? Why am I knocking on his door? Why do I show him my tears, my pain?

"Hello Strawberry. I've missed you. You know I can help, make you feel good, forget."

I'm so weak. It's no wonder they don't trust me, they shouldn't, she shouldn't. "No, this was a mistake. I'm leaving," I say with a pitiful attempt at authority as my feet turn slowly toward the door. I shuffle a step and he is front of me.

"Not yet." He says as he reaches out for me. "I can help you, but this time you are going to help me too. You have something I need."

I do forget, for a while. He takes me to that place where the ache dulls and the pain is replaced by false euphoria. But it never lasts. And then he helps me forget again, and again. I have no concept of time, it could have been minutes, hours, days. When I have forgotten, when my defenses are down and my essence depleted, when everything is laid bare before him, then he takes from me so that he can know. He takes my memories, scours them, dissects them until he finds that what he needs.

He finds that which I cannot live without, Tara. He needs a witch and I have given him one he can use. I'm too damaged for him now, he needs purity.

The horror hits as he leaves me to find her. He knows that in taking from me, he also gave, and he doesn't care. We have shared our memories in the darkness. I know who he is, what he truly is, where he is from, and what he is seeking. I have his memories now too. He doesn't care that I know because he thinks I can't stop him. He doesn't care that I know because he wants me to know, to feel the pain of what my final betrayal will cost. He knows that I will be broken completely.

There will be no going back. No coffee, no talking, no soft lips. There will be no redemption.

What he doesn't realize is that he has given me time. He needs Tara, and he thinks she is still living at Buffy's house. I can provide him no memory of her new dorm room; I don't know where it is. At first that angered me, that no one would tell me. But now I am so thankful, that at least I have bought myself some time.

The streets are dark when I stumble weakly from Racks, and I'm thankful for the darkness. I cast my first spell in months to open the lock at the Magic Box. I would worry that my magickal signature is so apparent, but for the fact that I plan to leave a much larger signature behind before I am done here. I need it all to stop Rack and I take it. Every dark art and spell from every book on every shelf, in every corner. I leave piles of leather bindings over blank pages. I take it in through every pore in my skin. It will be the blood I spill to do what must be done. My eyes and hair will be black now, to match the endless darkness that has invaded my heart. I feel the power sing in my veins, but it is as cold as a funeral dirge.

He has found her. I can feel both of them of course; I've let both of them inside me. The thought sickens me as I realize they have that in common, both touching my soul. The lightest of light and darkest of dark and somehow I could not see the rightness of the one and wrongness of the other. I see it now.

I call the dark power to me and when I open my eyes I am behind him in Tara's dorm room. I see he has started his ritual, the sick red glow reaching out to my beloved. The pain pours from her and it hits me as a wall of agony. I see for a moment her desperate hope when her eyes reach mine. Then hope turns to despair as she sees what I have become. I cannot allow her pain or her emotions to affect me, to influence what I must do.

I look away from her and lock eyes with Rack and start the incantation to open the portal between his dimension and this one. He is not from this place and I cannot allow him to remain. He senses me and laughs, "You are strong, but you don't have that kind of power Strawberry."

"I do now." I reply calmly as I begin the second incantation.

He sees the rift and I sense a moment of concern. "Impressive. But the renewal is nearly complete. You're too late."

I reach out toward his magick and realize he is telling the truth. I am too late. My final failure is complete. But in an instant I see what can be done. He can still be partially denied. "This ends now. You will not use her. And you will return from where you came." I reach out my other hand toward Tara and take over his magick with my own using every ounce of my newly acquired power.

Rack bellows in anger, but is still moved toward and into the rift. "Not so fast Strawberry. You cannot force this shift and close the rift from this side. And I promise, you do not want to follow me to that place. But if you force me, I will make sure you make this trip as well. You will fare no better there than me, Dark One."

"No, probably not," I agree as Rack moves fully into the darkness of the rift. I am depleted and I feel him drawing me in close, into the abyss. There is nothing I can do, no chance to say all those things I wanted to say now. I am facing Tara as I close the rift like a zipper before me, but from the wrong side. I close my eyes to spare her the tears she doesn't need to see in my black eyes and tell her the only thing I have time for, "I'm sorry."