Chapter Eleven-To Spell or Not To Spell
Willow waited outside the Magic Box until she saw Anya come to the front to switch the 'Open' sign to 'Closed' before she entered the door.
"Anya," was all she said and waited for the ex-demon's reaction. It didn't take long.
Anya took three steps forward and slapped her across the face.
"Well I guess that's better than Buffy trying to stake me," Willow tried to stay calm.
"I figured you were dead Willow, and I was fine with that. What do you want."
Willow handed her a list.
"Some of these items are unusual." She said examining the list closely. "Water from the river Lethe? You have got to be kidding. That is a very powerful amnesic, more than the flower. Why would you need these items? Haven't you learned anything? I'm not going to help you make people forget!"
Anya continued her rant, "You hurt Tara, you hurt all of us. Xander and Buffy were so upset and Xander kept wanting to defend you. Until Tara told him you didn't deserve defending. And we still don't understand exactly what happened, Tara and Buffy wouldn't tell us. They just said you were gone. '"
Willow interrupted, "Anya, I got the chance to come home and I took it. I'm not going to hurt anyone." For extra incentive she added, "I'll pay extra for the items."
When Anya still seemed unconvinced she stated more firmly, "Look, Tara asked me to do a spell that requires these ingredients. If you won't help me I'll get them elsewhere, but it will just delay what Tara wants."
Narrowing her eyes, Anya considered Willow's request. "You'll pay double and thank me. So where were you? Or are you going to keep secrets like Buffy," Anya asked as she moved to gather the items in stock.
"Khul. Heard of it?" Willow had always been curious whether Anya would be familiar with her former residence.
"Yeah, I've heard of it, but not much. No dark magick there right? Must not have been much fun for you Willow." Anya replied sarcastically.
"No, not much fun Anya. What do I owe you?" Willow felt her throat constrict as she tried to keep the conversation casual.
"I'll have to special order the river water. Pay when it comes in, should take a week or so. "
Willow said her thanks and turned to leave the shop. "Say Hi to Xander for me. I'm glad you guys made it. He deserves to be happy."
As she walked away from the store Willow thought about her next two weeks. That's the time she had before the conditions would be optimal to perform the spell. She had ordered ingredients from Anya, decided on a time and place, and started work on the revisions the spell needed to remove the dark magick elements.
Two weeks and counting to remember. All the best parts of her relationship with Tara. Falling in love, making love, just being together. They ran like movie scenes through her head over and over.
So anxious to do anything Tara asked, she never imagined this request in any possible scenario. Not from the gentle blond witch. The irony is rich, Willow thought to herself, I lost Tara once by taking her memories and now I will lose her forever by taking my own memories of her.
"Feeling better?" Willow asked when she saw Buffy at the cemetery gate. A week had passed since the Slayer had been injured.
"Yep. Back ready to patrol. Thanks for covering for me with your witchy powers."
"Mind if I stick around?" Willow inquired.
Buffy nodded her assent as the duo strode deeper among the graves. An hour and two staked fledgling vamps later, Buffy had to ask, "So, your meeting with Tara didn't go so great huh?"
Willow's shoulders immediately deflated, "No. She tell you about it?"
"Not really. Said she asked you to do a spell," the Slayer responded. "I heard you say you couldn't do the dark magick part. Is that for real Willow? Why?"
In response, Willow stopped and laughed, "Didn't know you were going to get my clothes off in a cemetery again, did you Buff?" She shucked off her long sleeve top and turned her back towards the Slayer.
"That's a lot of tattooing, Will!" Buffy exclaimed as she surveyed the columns of runes on the witch's back.
Willow reached her right hand over her shoulder to tap at the rune at the top left of her back. "That was the first. That blocks my ability to use any dark magick source. The rest are related to Light Magick power and my training. They all relate to where I was, the dimension I was in, Khul."
After she slipped her shirt back on, she found Buffy in contemplation. "If you can't do dark magick, what spell does Tara want you to do?"
"Honestly, I'd tell you to ask Tara, but the fact is, I need to know if you want me to include you or Dawn in the spell, so I was going to have to explain it to you." Willow took a deep breath, "Tara wants me to do a spell to forget her and Isobel. To erase them from my memory. She thinks that will protect them."
Buffy didn't say anything for a minute. When she did respond, it wasn't what Willow thought she would say. "Don't do it Willow. It's not right. It was wrong when you did it to Tara, and it's wrong now."
"Buffy, I promised. I can't refuse. I told her I would do anything she asked. Anything to make her safe and happy. If my doing this spell will make her happy, I will do it."
"Well, count me and Dawn out. I know what Heaven is and this ain't it. I want to remember the good, the bad and all the uglies. That, my friend, is life."
Willow smiled sadly. "Thanks Buffy. Am I, you know, your friend?"
"Gettin there I guess," Buffy responded. "How about we go Mocha and you tell me more about this place you were at and how you got all bad ass witchy, huh?"
The next day Willow found herself on the sidewalk across from the house yet again. She was waiting for Buffy to arrive home and instead found Dawn walking in her direction.
"Hey, Dawn," Willow greeted her nervously, "Long time. You look great."
"Buffy told me you were back. She says you've been helping her, and that's good. But that doesn't make up for what you did Willow."
"I know. I'm not trying to bother anyone. I just need to give this to Tara," she said holding out a folded sheet of paper. "It's the spell, with my revisions. I need Tara to look at it and make sure she agrees that it will do what she wants. Could you give it to her?"
Dawn was surprised, but couldn't resist taking the paper. "You're doing a spell for Tara?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry, could you just give her that? Thanks. It's really good to see you Dawn."
Patience not being her strong suit, Dawn headed over to the Magic Box where Tara was working an afternoon shift.
"Willow asked me to give you this," she said slapping the paper down on the counter next to the cash register where Tara was standing.
Tara opened the folded paper and scanned down the page. Speaking half to herself she noted some research would be in order to verify the spell revisions would be adequate. After collecting a volume from the private collection, Tara started to sit down at the round research table when the front bell rang and a customer appeared.
Leaving the spell and book at the table she went to assist and it was several minutes later after ringing up the customer's purchase that she noticed Dawn was pouring over the wording of the spell.
"Tara, you do know what this does. Willow said you asked her to do this spell, that's not true is it?" Dawn asked incredulous.
Tara sighed and took a seat beside her. "I want Willow to do the spell. Every time she comes into my life, I get hurt. I can't let that happen to Isobel."
"Tara, no. You know making her forget is not the answer. I can't believe you are even considering doing this! After everything that has happened, this is your answer?"
Tara sighed again and reached for the research volume. "Help me check the spell. Now that you've read it, will her revisions work?"
Dawn examined the lines carefully again. The original spell anchored the memory loss with powerful dark magicks. The revisions, in Willow's red pen to the side took an entirely different approach. Dawn let loose a sad laugh.
"Tara, do you see what she has done here. The strength and depth of the memory loss is now anchored to the strength and depth of the spellcaster's love for the subject."
Tara grabbed the paper and blanched when she found the notes Dawn was discussing.
"Don't you see the irony here Tara? You wrote out and asked her to use dark magick to perform an amnesia spell. And Willow responded by stripping out the dark magick and replacing it with the power of her love for you."
Tara sat holding the paper, not able to look Dawn in the eye.
Dawn jumped up, stomping away from the table and towards the door. "This is all so wrong Tara. We all know what Willow did was bad. But so is this. Don't ask me to help, I won't."
Tara was left to contemplate her request. She knew the spell request was extreme. She had considered simply asking Willow to leave town, or go back to wherever she had been. But if Willow disappeared again, she would always be wondering where she was and what she was doing. She would fear Willow's return and what action she might take.
The others had been hurt by Willow's actions, but it had been four years, enough time for the sting to wear off. They didn't understand the depths of pain and betrayal that Willow had caused her, not really. And she wasn't making the request just for herself. She was fully capable of protecting herself now. It was for Isobel. Willow was here and using magick. Only bad outcomes had occurred with that combination for so long, she could not take the chance with her precious daughter.
This way, the Slayer could keep an eye on Willow who would not know or care who she or her daughter were. Based on past experience, that was clearly the best scenario for the future. She only hoped Buffy and Dawn would agree, eventually.
She just wished she didn't feel so conflicted. Every time she convinced herself the spell was for the best, it seemed to come from her head. Her heart was begging her to stop. Her heart wanted her to remember the Willow she loved, the beautiful woman who had saved her.
"Good Birthday."
"Best Birthday"
That night was probably the best of Tara's life. Floating above the dance floor, she was filled with a euphoria she had never known. She was not a demon. She had friends, a new family, who were willing to protect her from harm. Best of all, she was in the arms of the woman she loved. Best Birthday indeed.
"Let's get out of here. I'm ready for some private celebrating," Willow whispered in her ear.
Tara readily agreed and they said their goodbyes.
Once her dorm room door was locked behind them, Tara found herself pushed back against it by the lean arms of her redheaded lover.
"I loved the party, but I've wanted to get you alone for hours," Willow practically whined as she crushed her mouth against the blond's.
A few minutes of heated kissing later, Tara gently slipped out from under Willow's upright embrace.
"You Ok baby?" Willow looked concerned.
Tara took her hands and guided her closer to the bed, still standing. "The clock says 11:20. That means I still have 40 minutes left of my birthday."
Willow grinned slyly, "And what would the birthday girl like to do with her last 40 minutes?"
Tara brought her hands to Willow's back, slowly lowering the zipper of her dress, "she wants to unwrap her last present, of course."
Willow reached awkwardly behind her back. "You should let me do that, you are the birthday girl."
Tara took Willow's hands, placing them on her own hips. "Don't argue with me. I get to do what I want for the next hmmm, now 38 minutes."
Tara pushed the dress off Willow's shoulders and watched the material pool at her feet, leaving her in a new matching set of forest green satin bra and panties.
"Happy Birthday beautiful. Like?" Willow shifted her hips seductively.
"Umm. Very much. Too bad you won't have them on for long." Tara replied in a low voice.
"Oohh. What's gotten into my sexy Girl?" Willow purred.
By now, Tara had released the bra clasp and stepped back, taking the satin material with her. She paused for a moment, admiring the redhead's pert breasts. She had always loved Willow's nipples, perfect for her smaller breasts and they were exceptionally sensitive. She found she wanted one in her mouth, now. She stepped forward and slipped her arm around Willow's waist, bending her back slightly so she could reach down to her breast.
Both witches forgot all conversation as Tara sucked gently on first the left, then the right breast. As she continued, Tara moved Willow backwards until they reached the bed. Pulling away, she sat Willow down and quickly removed her own top and skirt. Tara kneeled down in front of Willow, stroking her palms up and down Willow's thighs as she looked up into dancing green eyes.
"I never thought I could be this happy, that I was a-a-allowed to be this happy. I love you and now I have my whole life to show you how much." Tara had to bite her lip to keep the tears from falling. She didn't want to cry, even tears of happiness.
"Oh Baby. I love you so much too." Willow replied, her eyes shining with love, knowing Tara only stuttered with her when she was really nervous or emotional.
Tara glanced once more at the bedside clock and gave Willow a sly smile. "I may have my whole life ahead of me, but right now I have 27 minutes to finish off my birthday treat. I may have had cake earlier, but I'm feeling the need for some icing now."
"Dirty talk will get you everywhere," Willow laughed and then shivered as Tara slid her panties off and spread her legs apart.
"I don't want to be everywhere, just right here," Tara breathed out before she began laying a line of kisses up the inside of Willow's thigh, her hand caressing up the inside of the other thigh. When she reached the dewy auburn curls she breathed in deeply, saturating her senses with the aroma of Willow's arousal. She loved being this close to Willow, this intimate, knowing this was for her only.
She spread Willows fold's gently and extended the flat of her tongue and in one slow stroke moved up the length of her center. Willow responded with a throaty moan, falling back onto her elbows to watch the entrancing site before her. Tara focused her tongue on Willow's clit, swooping, circling and feathering across the tip. When she felt Willow's breathing speed and then become more erratic, she brought her hand up and slid two fingers into her amazingly wet channel.
"Oh Goddess, Tara!" Willow cried out, falling to her back and wrapping her ankles around Tara's back.
Tara could feel her lover close to release. She wrapped her lips around her clit and sucked hard while adding a third finger to her thrusting. Willow let go with everything she had, pulling Tara close and flooding her hand with fresh essence. Tara could feel the pulsations of her lover's orgasm on her lips and fingers as she slowly brought her down, removing her fingers and gently lapping her folds.
"My bones are gone. What did you do with them? " Willow was trying to hold her arms up to signify she wanted Tara in her embrace, but they kept flopping back to the sheets on either side of her.
Tara rose up and got on the bed, pulling Willow up to her and settling them both on the pillows and pulling up a sheet. "I'll take that as a complement."
"You are incredible baby. And I will gladly act as your ultimate gift every birthday."
Suddenly Tara found herself straddled by a smirking redhead. "But guess what." Willow cocked her head toward the clock. "It's midnight. That means it's my turn."
"Well, if you insist," Tara smiled and laid back against the pillows as Willow began to caress her breasts.
"Oh, I do, Ms. Maclay. I can be very insistent."
Saturday afternoons usually found some combination of the Scoobies at the park. Isobel could tire out one adult after another usually starting with Tara and ending with Buffy due to her superior stamina.
This was a particularly nice California summer day and the group found themselves enjoying an extended picnic into the early evening. A large blanket was set up near a small grove of trees and the playground equipment.
Isobel had enjoyed several hours on the slides and swingsets, but was feeling bored now. The adults were all lounging and telling boring old stories. She had always loved walking through the trees with her Mama and found herself drawn there now. She wandered among the old oaks, touching the bark and looking up at the sun filtering down through the canopy.
Suddenly she realized it was very quiet and she wasn't exactly sure which direction she had come from. Looking around, she was about to panic when a woman stepped out from behind a tree nearby.
"Hi. Don't be scared. I'm a friend of Buffy's. Do you need help getting back to your Mom?"
Isobel knew she wasn't supposed to talk to strangers, but she also knew she would be in trouble for wandering into the woods by herself and getting lost. She extended her magick towards the woman and was very surprised to feel the presence of light magick reflected back.
"You are a witch?" she asked.
"Yes, I am." The woman said with a kind smile.
"My Mama says I shouldn't talk to strangers."
"Your Mama is a smart woman." Willow replied.
"But you are a good witch. I can tell. Do you know my Mama?"
"Yes, I do. And we should get you back so she doesn't worry."
"OK. Will you help me?"
The woman approached her and knelt down. Isobel thought she looked sad.
"I'm Isobel. I came to the park with my Mama, Aunt Buffy, Aunt Dawn and Uncle Xander."
"Nice to meet you Isobel. My name is Willow. Let's get you back to the park, it's this way. "
As Willow got up to start walking, she found Isobel's small hand slipped into hers. Willow stopped for a second and looked down at their joined hands smiling.
They walked for a couple minutes when an out of breath Buffy found the two redheads on the trail.
"Isobel. Where have you been?"
"I'm sorry Aunt Buffy. I just wanted to walk in the trees and you all looked busy. I got lost and then Willow found me. Aunt Buffy, she's a witch!" she whispered loudly.
"I know honey. We better get you back."
Isobel dropped Willow's hand and started to walk toward Buffy. Suddenly she turned around and ran back to the redheaded woman and hugged her around the waist.
"Thank you for finding me Willow."
Willow bent down and scooped Isobel up into a hug. "I'll always find you. You be sure and listen to your Mama. She's the smartest person and best witch I've ever known."
She set Isobel down and the child scampered over to Buffy and they started back down toward the park. Just then Xander came strolling up the path. Buffy asked him to take Isobel back to Tara and ran back into the woods to see if she could find Willow. It didn't take long. The witch was crumpled at the base of a tree. Buffy walked over to her and sat on a nearby tree stump.
"You really shouldn't have been here Willow. If Tara had seen you I don't know what she would have done. It'll be bad enough now when she finds out what happened."
"I know Buffy. I tried to stop myself. But the spell is ready. Tuesday night the conditions are right. I knew you guys usually come here on Saturdays and I just wanted to see her, even from a distance. I mean what do I have to lose? I'm about to lose it all anyway."
Willow dropped her head into her hands again.
"Goddess Buffy, she's so amazing. She's smart and good and beautiful. And I won't apologize for getting to hug her one time."
"I'm sorry Will. I really am. I told Tara I think the spell is wrong, but she won't listen and you won't refuse to do it. You are both so stubborn."
The two friends sat quietly for a few minutes, neither knowing what to say. Eventually Buffy stood up.
"I need to get back, they will wonder what's going on and I'm sure your name will have come up by now."
Willow stood up as well and reached into the small backpack she was wearing.
"I have something to give you. I needed to give you this before Tuesday, but please don't open it until Wednesday, after I have finished the spell. It's for, well, all of you." She handed Buffy a thick brown file, sealed with tape.
"Ok Will. I'll see you."
"Buffy, thank you for everything. Thank you for giving me another chance. "
Buffy was lost for something to say, the whole situation just seemed so wrong. She found herself shaking her head and just walking away.
By the time they all got home, Isobel was worn out and Tara was fuming. Dawn had put Isobel into bed and returned downstairs to find Tara yelling at Buffy. "I told her to stay away. And now I find out she is spying on us in the park!"
Buffy looked more sad than angry, Dawn realized. "I'm sorry, but Isobel really was fine. I don't think Willow would ever do anything to hurt her."
As Tara flew off the handle again, Dawn couldn't listen. She wandered into the dining room and saw the brown file sitting on the table. She grabbed a knife and opened the seal and took out the papers inside. After laying them out on the table and perusing them for a few minutes, she walked back into the living room where Tara and Buffy were still arguing.
"Stop it, both of you! I think you need to come and see this."
Buffy walked into the dining room first and saw the papers spread out on the table. "Dawn, we were not supposed to open these until after Tuesday. Willow told me she was doing the spell this Tuesday."
Tara gasped, "Tuesday? She said it would take some time to get ready. She's doing it so soon?"
Buffy shook her head yes. "We were not to look at that file until Wednesday. Dawn, I promised her."
"Well, I don't care. Look at what Willow has done, to all of us."
Buffy looked at Dawn confused, and then looked at Tara.
Tara shook her head, "I'll be on the porch."
Dawn looked at Buffy as Tara walked out, "Really, look at what she has done."
Dawn reached across the table and grabbed one particular paper and handed it to her sister. It was titled 'Release of Lien.' As Buffy scanned down she saw her name and address and a date from the prior week.
"Is this what I think it is?" she asked Dawn who nodded.
"She paid off the mortgage on the house. And that's not all. Look at this, and this."
There were documents paying off Buffy's student loans, Tara's student loans, college funds for Dawn, and a large trust fund for Isobel, naming Tara as the custodian.
"How did she do this?" Buffy looked at Dawn with confusion. Dawn reached for the last paper, a letter from Willow to them all.
In it she explained that she was able to sell several computer programs she had written using the knowledge she had gained in Khul to companies who developed games and to the government. She had intended to draw out her assistance over time, but the deadline of the spell required her to set everything up in advance. She assured them all the money was completely legitimate and that there was no way to undo her gifts.
She ended by begging Tara to use the trust fund for Isobel and her school expenses, but that she couldn't stop her from giving the money away if she chose to. She said she could tell Isobel the money came from Tara's mother's estate if Isobel asked someday when she was older.
Dawn took the letter after she and Buffy finished and found Tara on the porch.
"You need to read this. I love you like you were my own mother, but if you don't read this, and go in and look at the papers on the table, I will never forgive you."
She handed Tara the letter, walked back into the house and went up to her room, slamming the door.
Tara flinched when she heard the young woman's anger. Buffy was still sitting at the table when Tara finished reading the letter and came in. She picked up the papers one by one, examining them carefully.
When she came to Isobel's trust fund, she looked at the bank statement and gasped. "I can't keep this! What is she trying to do?"
Buffy sighed and headed for the stairs to go to bed. "It looks to me like she is trying to take care of her family. Even though she won't remember she had one in a few days. Tara, she specifically told me not to read those papers until after the spell. What do you think she was doing?"
Tara sat at the table all night. She looked at each paper repeatedly. She read the letter Willow had written them over and over. She thought about everything she had been through. Everything Willow had put her through. For four years she had held onto one undeniable fact, her lover had chosen dark magick over her. She had worn her anger and her hurt like a shield.
When she looked up, the sun was warming the sky, just before the dawn. Tara made a cup of tea went out to the backyard. She was tired and closed her eyes to center herself. As she felt the first rays of the day touch her face it was as if the warmth infused through her, finding it's way into her heart. She suddenly understood that yes, Willow had been drawn into darkness and that choice had resulted in hurtful consequences. But the undeniable fact she should have been remembering was that Willow loved her. Willow had always loved her. The beautiful redheaded girl had found her and shown her love she never thought she would deserve. Even at the darkest moments of their relationship Tara had never doubted the love they shared. The papers scattered across the dining room table said it again, Willow loved her.
Even if she wasn't ready to let down her shield enough to think of letting Willow fully into her life again, she knew the spell was a mistake. It had been borne of her fear and anger and she hadn't listened to Buffy and Dawn who could see how wrong her actions were. She needed to tell them, thank them for helping her do the right thing. Then they had to find Willow and stop her. An uncertain future with her former lover was nothing new, she could face that.
When Dawn and Buffy got up the next morning they were surprised to find a large stack of pancakes waiting in the kitchen and Tara and Isobel just finishing breakfast. When Isobel went upstairs to get dressed, Tara addressed the sisters.
"I've been up all night thinking. Both of you were right. I was wrong to ask Willow to do that spell."
"Oh, thank god." Dawn exclaimed.
"That's great Tara." Buffy added.
"Can you call her and let her know? If she wants to hear it from me, I'll talk to her."
"Uh, Tara? I don't have a phone number for her. Actually, I don't know where she is staying either. She never told me." Buffy said.
"Well, how have you been in touch with her?" Tara asked.
"Honestly, she just showed up on my patrol routes. I never had a reason to need to reach her and it never came up."
Buffy looked for Willow on patrol that night, but the witch didn't show. On Monday Buffy, Tara and Dawn looked all over town, but could not find her. Tuesday came and all the Scoobies went out looking for the redhead, but she seemed to have vanished.
Willow spent the last two days before the spell in meditation. She wasn't sure exactly what the outcome would be. Spells like this, even done with light magick, were unpredictable. That is why she had set up her financial assistance for Buffy and Dawn before the spell, even though they weren't going to be included. She was afraid her amnesia would be more extensive than she planned.
Tara was in her every memory from the moment she met her, and she feared she would simply lose all memory since attending that fateful campus Wicca meeting. She was also unsure of the effects of the casting that had already taken some of her memories while a prisoner in Khul. Would she remember her time in Khul if she couldn't remember how or why she was sent there? Would she lose her Light Magick training? She wanted to still be able to help Buffy on patrol and needed her training to do so.
Again she questioned whether this was the right thing to do. And again the answer was right or wrong, Tara had asked her, so she would go through with it. She chose to stay in her house meditating, knowing she couldn't see Tara or especially Isobel, or she might lose her nerve.
Willow had found the ideal location for the spell nearby in a small grove of Elm trees. The trees lent a sacred element and would provide additional grounding for the spell and allow privacy. She arrived after sunset and checked her ingredients. Now she was simply waiting for the moon rise to begin.
As the time approached, she poured the sand in a perfect circle, leaving a small opening for now. She stepped out to gather the remaining ingredients when she heard what sounded like a child shout from the street nearby.