*The angst continues and intensifies.

The Mistake – Part 4 – Difficult Confessions

It was night, and a rainstorm had materialized, almost as if the weather was manifesting her mood. Her eyes were heavy with held back tears, and she waited until Zedd and Cara had left the room to get something to eat, before she let them loose. They had to carry Richard the rest of the way to the village, and the inn keeper had given them the largest room for the Seeker.

Zedd had tended to Richard, using what magic he could to sooth the Seeker's pain, but he declared that whatever it was that pained Richard was more mental than physical. Just for good measure, Zedd took the Sword of Truth and hide it in his own robes, saying that, in his current state, Richard should not have it.

Cara wanted to stay and watch over her Lord Rahl, but Kahlan assured her that she could handle it. After they left, Kahlan sob softly, as she removed Richard's jacket and shirt, to clean him with a washcloth. Her imagination could not help but call up images of Nicci unbuttoning Richard's shirt and feeling his hard muscles.

Kahlan eased onto the bed next to him, and ran her fingers in circles around the mark of the Keeper on his chest, while she dabbed the washcloth across his burning brow. Beneath his lids, Richard's eyes were moving furiously and she wondered what he was dreaming. From the grimace that would show on his face, she guessed it wasn't pleasant.

As she cared for him, Kahlan had to admit to herself, that despite how angry she was at him, she still loved him. But it hurt and angered her at how fiercely and passionately he had made love to Nicci. Part of her wanted to believe that it was just sex, a means for release, but Richard had refused so many offers in the past, that it was hard to convince herself of that. Spirits, even Cara had offered herself to Richard, practically throwing herself at him, and he had turned her down.

Though with Nicci it was different. Richard was no fool, so he must have known that whatever Nicci felt, Kahlan would feel as well. If he had known that, then why did he do what he did? It only torment Kahlan more to feel what he did to another, when he could not do it to or with her.

Sitting up, she slid of the bed to dip the washcloth in the water basin again. The water was still warm, and felt good on her skin. Looking over her shoulder, seeing Richard was still asleep, Kahlan figured it would not hurt if she eased away some of her pain with a quick wash.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kahlan removed her boots, and ran her fingers over her sore feet. They had been walking for quite some time, and the final rush to get Richard here had left her feeling exhausted. Slowly, he undid her jacket and let it fall to the floorboard, beside her boots. Taking one last look at Richard, Kahlan slowly began to unlace her corset. Freeing herself of it, she took in a deep breath that was impossible with it on.

She wondered why she tormented herself with wearing such a thing. Sure it may give her a more shapely figure, but was it really necessary? Sighing, unsure what to really think, Kahlan stood and scooted out of her skirt, letting the violet black garment fall to her feet. Now, standing in nothing but her black shorts and top, Kahlan knelt down before the water basin and drenched the washcloth.

Her mouth opened in a relief as she ran the soaked cloth across her chest and over the top of her breasts, letting the water seep into the fabric of her top. Stretching out, she ran it down her aching legs and around the soles of her feet. Closing her eyes, she cleaned her face, wiping away the make-up she had been putting on for Richard. Kahlan wondered if he even noticed, and why she even bothered.

Blinking back unwanted tears, Kahlan finished up and rinsed the washcloth, before twisting and squeezing out the water. Looking around for a cloth to dry herself with, Kahlan absently grabbed Richard shirt and began running it along her legs and chest. When she brought it up to her face, she stopped, realizing what she had in her hands.

Clenching her jaw tight, against the sorrow of knowing Nicci had touched it, Kahlan tentatively brought it to her nose and sniffed, wanting to smell Richard's scent. It had a sweaty smell to it that was all her Richard, but it also had a slight fragrance to it that Kahlan had not smelled before. A single hot tear migrated down her cheek when she realized it was the left over smell of Nicci's perfume, as if it had lingered on him to taunt her.

Kahlan tossed his shirt away in a huff and crossed her arms, trying to hold in her sobbing. But it was to hard to resist. She held her stomach as she bent over and cried, knowing that the man she loved had made love to another. It was a gnawing pain, one that Kahlan thought she would have never felt. Confessors were not suppose to fall in love. When they married, it was to a confessed man, and it was always done for procreation, selecting the best candidate to father strong confessors, and never for love. Kahlan had allowed herself to fall into the snare called love, and falsely believed she would be the one confessor that could truly have a marriage to a man she loved. A man that could love her without being confessed.

But it had all be a lie. An awful terrible lie. Richard had given into his need and had slept with Nicci. She looked over at him, sleeping fretfully, and she found it hard to blame him. Nicci was attractive, and had a strange perfection to her, something Kahlan could never understand. And it was clear, from what she had felt last night, that Nicci was skilled in the arts of love, and had obviously pleased Richard greatly.

Kahlan ran her hands down her waist, and stopped above her femininity, remembering the sensation of feeling Richard entering Nicci. He had been highly aroused and harder than anytime she had brushed against him and felt him when they would sneak off and kiss. Kahlan closed her eyes and let the tears come. Richard must have found Nicci more attractive, more enticing, than he had ever found her. The fierceness of his lovemaking was her proof.

Slowly standing, and rubbing her arms in a self-hug, Kahlan looked down at Richard. He looked so gorgeous lying there in his sleep with his shirt off and his chest heaving as he breathed. Yet he also looked troubled and in pain. She wondered if he truly felt guilty for what he had done, and if those looks of regret he had given her had been feigned.

Hugging herself more tightly, Kahlan eased down onto the bed and slowly lowered herself down next to her Seeker. She rested her head in the crock of his neck and pulled herself up close to him, bending her knees and laying one leg over his. Kahlan ran her hand along his hard muscles and felt the raised portions of the scared flesh that formed the mark of the Keeper.

His body was warm and the beating of his heart was steady and reassuring. And despite how heartbroken and betrayed she felt, Kahlan enjoyed feeling his body next to hers, their bare skin touching. Slowly, she allowed herself to close her eyes. Lying there, in nothing but her undershirt and shorts, Kahlan Amnell, the Mother Confessor, went to sleep, grabbing on to the man she loved.

XXX

He heard thunder and the soft pitter patter of rain against the gabled roof above. His eyes fluttered open and he awoke with a pounding headache, and stifled a groan. Richard took a sharp breath, when he felt someone stir beside him, and an arm slowly tighten its grip around his neck. He arched his neck to peer down and saw an milky white arm draped across his chest.

Richard looked back up and nearly paled when he found that he was lying on a bed in a room that was eerily familiar. This had been the place that he had betrayed his beloved. This bed… spirits, this was the exact same bed. His heart began to race as the guilt of what he had done in this room came flooding back to him. He openly wept for what he had done.

How could he have allowed himself to believe that making love to Nicci was the same as making love to his beautiful Kahlan? He had been so good at resisting his urges, denying Anne when they had returned to Hartland to help Chase find his family, and then Cara, when the Mord'Sith had tried to seduce him in the future when his Kahlan had long sense been dead. He closed his eyes and admonished himself. Even when she was dead he had remained faithful to her. How could he then betray her when she was alive?

You're a Rahl, that's how, he told himself.

Richard suddenly became aware of the soft feminine body that was pressing up against his hard masculine. Spirits, was he still with Nicci? He arched his head to look down and saw the dark brown hair. The woman was barely clothed, she only had a skimpy black top and black shorts on. One of her legs was sprawled over his, and she eased into him.

He moved slightly, as not to disturb her, and brushed her hair away from his face to be greeted by a wonderful sight. It was Kahlan! She was lying next to him, pressing her body close to his. Her mouth opened slightly as she took a steady breath, and he could not help but gawk at her beauty.

His chest heaved as he felt himself becoming aroused with Kahlan's beautiful form so exposed before his. He had never seen her so bare and close before, and it excited him. His blood rushed through his veins and his checks flushed. He stifled a groaned as her hand moved, slipping down his chest to rest against his midsection, as she tightened her grip on him. Richard could hardly believe that she had actually fallen asleep while holding him. It was one of his many wishes that they could sleep like this, holding each other… kiss and…

He shook his head and bit his lower lip hard. He did not deserve her touch. Especially after what he had done. Slowly, as to not wake her, Richard slipped out of her touch. However, despite his cautious movements, Kahlan stirred and woke. Her bright blue eyes locked with his and she almost smiled, before remembering herself and backing up to sit up. The love he had first glimpsed in her eyes was replaced with anger.

"Kahlan…," he began, wanting nothing more than to talk to her.

She shook her head and blushed, suddenly realizing how undressed she was. Kahlan made to get off the bed, but Richard reached out and grabbed her arm. He held her back. She glared at him with almost hatred in her eyes, and her brow lowered.

"Let go of me!" she hissed in a voice thick was emotion.

"No," Richard replied, clenching his teeth. "Not until you hear me out."

Kahlan narrowed her fierce eyes at him and breathed through her nostrils, glaring at him. "All right," she said with a nod. He released her arm and she folded her arms across her breasts, as if seeking to cover herself. "Explain yourself!" she snapped.

Richard took a deep breath and gazed into her heated glare. He welcomed it. It was more than she had given him before and he knew he deserved it. "I made a mistake, Kahlan," Richard began. "A huge awful terrible mistake."

"That much is obvious," she retorted, and knitted her eyebrows together.

Richard cautiously reached out to grab her hand, but she pulled away from her, like he was some disgusting pervert. He looked away and nodded. "I can never fully apologize for what I did," he said. "Nothing can make up for it."

"Why?" she burst out, tears running freely down her checks. "Why did you do it, Richard? Why?"

He racked his hands through his hair and bit back his own sobs, believe he was not worthy of feeling grief. He had been the perpetrator, the one guilty of the crime, not Kahlan.

"After… after she had the man beat her… spirits, Kahlan," he murmured. "She was going to… going to…"

"Sleep with him!"

"Yes," Richard nodded, thankful that she was at least talking to him, despite the obvious anger and bitterness in her tone. "When I washed the blood from her, she said we could make you feel better… and at first I resisted… but…"

"But what?" Kahlan practically screamed at him. "You couldn't resist that slender body of hers! Is she so beautiful, you lost control of your senses and had to have her!"

"No, it was nothing like that, Kahlan, truly…," he bit his tongue. "Please… let me try and explain."

She gave a huff, but relented with a nod. "Continue," she hissed.

Filling his lungs with air, Richard averted his eyes from hers. "She… she changed her hair to look like you," he said. "And before I could say anything she had undressed and with her hair turned dark…"

"Yes?" she urged, looking devastated.

"Spirits, Kahlan, she looked so much like you that I lost control," Richard seethed with grief at what he had done. "And I… I thought that if we could never be together, then at least through that bond she created between the two of you, that you could at least feel what it was like to be with me."

Kahlan sat back and folded her hands in her lap. She looked down and her mood hardened. "Did you ever once stop to think how I would feel knowing that you were making love to another?" she asked.

Richard furrowed his brow.

"Spirits, no… I did not," he felt like his chest had been hollowed out. He was a terrible person. He had not just betrayed the woman he loved, but he had betrayed everything he claimed to stand for. He looked away from her as she looked at him with a heated glare.

"Did you have to enjoy it so much!" she demanded, her chest heaving with anguish, grief, and fury.

"Kahlan," he tried to sooth her. "I was thinking of you. It was all for you. I wanted you to feel my love… even if it could only be through another. I only enjoyed it so much because I was think of you… of pleasing you."

He knew that some of it was a lie, and that it was stupid to even lie to a confessor, but he didn't care. He had started out doing what he did to give Kahlan the pleasure of his touch, and somewhere along the line it had shifted as Nicci took him into her mouth and he thought more of the sorceress than his beloved. Kahlan seemed to sense his internal battle, but thankfully, she remained silent.

"Spirits, Kahlan," he heaved, taking a deep breath. "I love you. I'm sorry, and I know I can never have your forgiveness, but you must believe me when I say this… I love you. With all my heart, I love you. If I could go back in time and change history, spirits knows I would. I would take it back in a heartbeat, even if it meant I would never feel the touch of a woman's flesh ever again. I…," he looked around for something to say that could convince her of his feelings. Finding purchase, he turned and looked at her with all the love he could call forth. "I'd rather die than spend another moment without you, Kahlan."

Kahlan blinked and for a moment, he thought he might have gotten through. Though, he never expected forgiveness, he hoped that he might at least be given a second chance to earn her love back. Richard would do anything for that second chance. He would even go to the Underworld and back if she demanded it of him.

She took a deep breath and her eyes narrowed. "Your words mean nothing!" Kahlan spat. "They're all just lies. You pretend you love me, but you don't. You only lust after me because I'm untouchable. Spirits, Richard, you're just like every other man. All you want is sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!"

She banged her fists against the bed and came dangerously close to striking him. "You've never wanted to make love to me. All you wanted was to conquer me and then brag about it." She straightened her back and lowered her voice to sound more like him. "I'm Richard Rahl, the Seeker of Truth and heir to the throne of D'Hara. I've bedded the Mother Confessor and survived. I'm the greatest man in the world!" she parodied him, huffing with anger when she had finished.

Kahlan's eyes looked away and glared at the fire in the hearth. "You're nothing but a vile disgusting retch of a man. You're just like Darken Rahl!"

He looked up at her and slumped his shoulders, knowing she was right. But the look on her face was different. She looked like she felt she had gone too far; like she had stepped over some imaginary line she had not wanted to. Kahlan eased closer and tentatively reached out to touch his arm.

"Richard… oh, Richard, I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I… I didn't mean that. Please, you must believe me. You're not like Rahl."

"You're right," he nodded. "I'm not like Rahl… I'm far worse."

"What?"

Richard grabbed her hand and pulled it to his throat, wrapping her fingers around him in a grasp. He looked at her as warm tears flowed from his eyes. Spirits, she was so beautiful. How could he have betrayed this woman? He had won her heart and had turned his back on it for one night of pleasure.

"Richard?"

"I do not deserve your love," he moaned. "Spirits, I don't deserve anything, anymore." Richard bit his lower lip, and closed his eyes, deciding. "Confess me."

"WHAT?" Kahlan cried, tears of her own running rivers down her beautiful face.

"You heard me," Richard thought he spoke in an oddly calm voice. "Confess me."

"No," Kahlan tried to reason with him. "What you have done is unforgivable, yes, but I could not confess you."

"Do it!" he snapped, pulling her hand closer. "Confess the villain! Hear his crimes! Make him your slave!"

"No… no!" Kahlan tried to pull back, but Richard grabbed her with his other hand and held her fast. "Please," she begged, wailing. "Do not make me do this. I cannot. Will not. I cannot take you soul, Richard."

"I'd rather be your slave for eternity than not have your love," he replied. He looked hard into her passionate blue eyes, rimmed red by tears and grief. "Confess me! Now!"

"No," Kahlan tried pulling her hand away. "Richard… please? I cannot confess you… I love you."

Richard's ears were deaf to what she said. He deserved nothing but the mindless oblivion of confession. He raised a hand and struck her, crying as he did it; hating himself even more for having to hit her.

"Confess me!" he cried as he slapped her again. "Confess me!"

"NO!" Kahlan wailed, but as she did, he felt her control weaken as her emotions overwhelmed her to the point she lost her concentration. The confessor's powers were unleashed. Richard felt the surge of her magic rush towards him. Kahlan cried as her eyes turned black and there was thunder without sound.