Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: I hope the length makes up for the delay in posting. I want to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday! It was very thoughtful and each one made me smile! :)

Also, Happy National Jellybean Day! (Screw Earth Day... and those hippies who care about the earth... like Sara...) Jelly, I hope you enjoy the chapter, as it is on your day... You know, once you're done swooning over WP long enough to read it. :P

Enjoy!

Chapter Twenty Two:

I just couldn't stay away. I had gone home, the night before, after eating. I had showered to make sure the smell of crab didn't linger on my fingers, and while in the shower under a hot and steady stream, I had given myself a stern talking to. Because this all came down to one question—Was I going to marry Jace, or was I going to leave him? And if I was honest with myself, it was doubtful that I would not marry a man I was very sure about and who I loved and who I was very good with… just to take a chance with this mystery entomologist.

It troubled me that I couldn't absolutely say, even just in trying to delude myself, that yes I was going to marry Jace and be happy with that outcome.

But if I was logical about this… if I left him, the worst case scenario would be that I would lose the one person in my life who I absolutely trusted and loved without question… the man who had been there for me, through everything… A man who probably was my one and only. And for what? A relationship with a man I barely knew who lived in another city? …That was crazy. And the worst case scenario if I married him… I would have a devoted and loving husband who would support me, be a good father to our children, and a true and genuine partner in the life we would build together.

So I absolutely had to stop whatever it was I was doing with Dr. Grissom. Because what I would have with Jace, whether I regret my decision to marry him later or not, would be better than I ever thought I had a right to hope for… better than I had even believed I deserved, when I met him. I could be a good, loyal, faithful, dutiful wife and life partner and mother of his children… I could do that, easily, and count myself blessed.

Really, all this doubt probably had more to do with my own cold feet than it had to do with Dr. Grissom himself… so once I was married, things would change. I would be permanently off-limits, he would stop pursuing me, and whether we had a friendship or not, the lines would be clear… Everything would be easier, once I said my I-do's. …So I just had to get there, relationship intact.

I crawled into bed, leaving my hair wet, and watched infomercials, waiting for sleep to come. I was seriously considering buying the item they were advertising—a slicer, dicer, and all-around-kitchen-cutting-tool—when Jace came in. I glanced at the clock… a quarter to one. He was early. I rolled over to face the door when I heard him step through it, and he smiled.

"…Can't sleep again?" My insomnia was nothing new to him, especially when my mind was preoccupied. And thanks to my nightmare last night, he would assume he knew why I was preoccupied. I just shook my head slowly and he smiled and bent over to kiss me. "Just let me jump in the shower, get all the dirt and grease off, and then I'll come see if I can help…"

I nodded and watched him pull out of his dirty clothes, depositing them into a separate hamper I had insisted he use for his work clothes after grease ruined three of my favorite shirts in the first week we lived together. I let my eyes slide over his well-muscled back… the broad shoulders, the long V down to his waist, the stretching shape of the muscles in his arms and shoulder blades. He really was a beautiful man. He headed into the bathroom and turned the water on, and rolled over in bed again, laying my cheek against a pillow wet from my hair.

He came back, less awake than me but certainly still awake enough to sit up with an apple in hand, a hand gently running over my back, trying to lull me to sleep while he watched the energetic salesperson rattle off the uses of the device. "…I think we need one of those." He commented absently, and I snorted, laughing to myself.

"That's what I thought… He's obviously got a good pitch."

He grinned down at me, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. "You must not have been feeling good… You didn't dry your hair before bed, can't sleep… Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head, as I always did, and he nodded, having expected as much. He leaned over a laid a kiss on my forehead. "We could talk for a while… I'm not super tired."

I nodded slowly, thinking that that might help with the uncertainty whirling around in my mind. We'd both been so busy lately that we'd hardly had any time… But if I spent some one-on-one time with him, I would remember everything I'd always loved about him… the reasons I had agreed to marry him. It would help me put all of this nonsense out of my mind.

"What'd you do tonight?"

"Paperwork, mostly. …I started work on attempting to pound some dents out of the bodywork of this old Chevy that was in a crash last week… The guy said he didn't care what it looked like, as long as everything was functioning. …I think if we replace the back, passenger side door, we should be fine… the front didn't open well or far, but after a good deal of work on the front, I should be able to replace the headlight and the door opens so… Here's hoping."

I nodded, rolling over until my head fell onto his bare chest, my left hand resting in the center of his chest, fingertips running through the spare hairs which grew there. "I bet he'll be happy he doesn't have to replace more…"

He shrugged. "I s'pose. How was your night? I see that going to bed early didn't help…"

I smiled softly, having forgotten that I had indeed crawled into bed before he even left because of how little sleep I'd gotten the night before. "No… but I ate a little more and showered, and that's made me feel a little sleepier…"

He bent to kiss my brow again. "I bet it's nerves… The wedding's getting close now. …Are your lower extremities feeling chilly?"

I laughed, enjoying the lilt in his voice as he teased me. "My feet are not cold, thank you very much."

He hummed and scooted down, dragging me lower so his head could rest on the pillows as he deposited his apple core into the wastebasket just next to his bed. I winced at the action but ignored it—I'd take it out in the morning. …Once again, he drifted into an easy sleep, and I rolled away from him, awake for yet another night.

And first thing in the morning, after preparing for the day and attempting to eat and removing the offensive core from the garbage can that we shouldn't put food into—ahem—I was heading to Dr. Grissom's lecture, anxious to see him, even if we didn't speak. …Anxious to speak with him, even if just to ask a question. Anxious to talk to him, not just speak, even if we didn't go anyway, and anxious to spend some time with him, even if it would never lead to anything.

I told you—I just couldn't stay away. And within days he would walk out of my life entirely. Didn't I deserve at least a day or so more in his presence before I had to say goodbye? Didn't I owe it to him, after how compassionate he'd been the night before, to not avoid him?

I didn't sit in the back this time, but in one of the first three rows, and watched as he spoke about any number of brilliant cases and brilliant techniques and his brilliant insights, always trying to make them sound like they'd been a group effort, but not fooling me. I remained in my seat as everyone left—this being Dr. Grissom's only lecture for the morning—and after a moment of hesitation in which he fiddled with his briefcase to disguise his uncertainty, he came to me.

"Hi."

"Hi."

He sat on the back of a chair in the row in front of us, our legs filling the aisle, and glanced at me. "…Let me buy you breakfast."

My stomach turned at the thought, and I wasn't sure if it was lack of sleep—which always made the thought of food less appetizing—or my thoughts that caused it. "No. I'm… I'm not hungry."

"Oh," he said, and I knew that he didn't know if I was saying no to breakfast or to him in general.

"…Do you want to take a walk?"

The corners of his mouth twitched up and he nodded, standing and offering his hand to help me up. Despite my reluctance, I slid my hand into his and let him pull me to standing. The feel of it was nice… warm and mostly soft, a few rough patches making him seem more present and real. It made me think of taking his arms in the bar, and of holding hands while sharing rather painful moments of our pasts the night before.

I pulled from him, thinking that it would be rather hard to explain why we were holding hands if Jace showed up unexpectedly again, but followed closer than was necessary as he stopped to pick up his briefcase and we moved out into the sunlight. A light breeze blew my hair back, behind my shoulders and out of my face, and I drew in an endless breath of it, feeling calmer because of it. We walked away from the building we'd just been in, following the sidewalk to the center of campus and a large, open, grassy area. There were benches, here, lining the sidewalk, but we brushed past them and moved around the area instead, at a slow and unhurried pace.

"…You're not missing another lecture?" He asked me, once we were on our chosen path.

I shrugged. In truth, I was… but had I gotten married this past weekend, I wouldn't have even been attending the conference. …The only reason I had insisted was in order to see the great Gil Grissom speak. …Speaking with the man himself, then, took precedence over those other speakers. "Not really. …You?"

He, too, shrugged noncommittally. "Not really."

I let a moment pass between us. "…Why is it such a secret, the girl you were with?"

He tensed and glanced at me out of the side of his eyes. "It's not a secret, I just don't like to talk about her."

"…Why?"

"It hurts." He said, a little harshly, and I felt chastened. And… jealous. He'd been pursuing this 'connection' between us, but was he really over his first love? He'd been twenty two when they broke up, and now he was forty one. …Shouldn't he be over her by now?

I frowned and watched my feet as I stepped over concrete, the sound of our steps and the scrape of our shoes against the cement setting a sort of bizarre rhythm in my head. Step. He loved her. Step. He still loves her. Step. What does that mean? Step. Nothing. Step. It means nothing. Step. I'm getting married. Step. He loves her, not me. Step. Not me. Step. Not me. Step. Not me. Step.

"Are you okay?" I jumped at the feel of his fingers gently clasping my forearm, and he removed them immediately, making me miss them.

"…Yeah. I… I'm fine."

"…You look tired, Sara. How much sleep did you get last night?"

"Sleep?"

He frowned and paused, catching my arm in his grasp again and making my heart flutter. "Let's sit down…" He guided me to a bench in the shade of several large climbing trees, with low and frequent limbs. I had a flashing image of climbing up into them with him and hiding from sight. …Hiding from my life. I jumped again when I felt his palms on my cheeks. "Sara, honey?"

I moved my eyes to meet his, and muttered a soft, "I'm fine," liking the feel of my jaw working beneath his hands. This seemed to reassure him. He sighed and dropped his hands, leaving my cheeks rather colder than they had been a moment before. He glanced at me out of the side of his eyes.

"You're not fine."

I drew in a deep breath. "I… Are you still in love with her?"

His head jerked backwards in surprise. "Who?" He asked, bewildered. I gave him a look and he frowned, thinking back… "…Susan?"

I nodded, turning my head away, not wanting him to see the flash of hurt in my eyes. I was too slow however. He actually chuckled. "No, Sara, I'm not."

I glanced at him again. "…You said it hurts to talk about her."

He sighed dramatically. "Sara… it… I was trying to get you to stop asking about her. It… hurts my pride more than anything."

I narrowed my eyes, letting them slide over his features, trying to understand and taking in each beautiful nuance—each line and curve and dip—as if I might never see them again. "…Why?"

"…Haven't you ever done something colossally stupid and thought, once you were out of the situation, how embarrassed you were that you had ever gotten into the situation at all?"

I nodded, slowly, wondering why it had been stupid to be involved with Susan. Had she been… married? Or… too young? Too old? He'd met her at school so she couldn't have been a friend of his mother's or… Maybe she turned out to be an ex-girlfriend of a friend? The girlfriend of a friend? The sister of a friend? None of that seemed… stupid enough to hurt your pride twenty years after the fact.

I opened my mouth to ask the question… but let it fall closed, uncertain how to broach the subject when he'd been pretty clear he didn't want to talk about her. He nudged me softly. "…You're jealous."

I blushed and turned away. "I… I'm curious."

He smirked. "Yeah, I always get that upset when I'm… curious." He chuckled. "It's okay, you can admit it… I think it's obvious we're attracted to each other. I mean, you've told me more than once that if we'd met without Jace in the picture…"

"But he is in the picture."

"And therefore you… don't feel human emotions like love, lust, and jealousy anymore?"

I felt the heat in my face giving me away, but I cleared my throat and glanced away. "It's stupid to be jealous of her after so long when you haven't… gotten this way… about Jace." Oh god. What did that mean? Why wasn't he jealous?

Once again, he laughed at me. "Are you kidding? You think after everything I've told you this week about… about how I feel about you… that I could ever hear his name without feeling that? …He's a nice guy, Sara, and it would be easier if he wasn't, because then I could hate him in peace… for being younger, more muscled, more attractive, mo—"

"He's not more attractive." I said, and then blanched, realizing what I'd done… and jumping to my feet to put distance between us. A crush was one thing, but feeling that the crush was more attractive than the main man in your life wasn't so easily… dismissible. And the grin that had lit up his face at my words was more than troubling. He jumped up after me, once again catching my arm and this time, pulling me around to face him.

"Sara…"

"What?" I asked, a little desperately.

He put his hands to my cheeks again, covering the blush I felt, and my knees tingled like they were going to give out on me at any second. His eyes flickered from my eyes to my mouth, once, twice, and a third time… and then flickered closed as he bent his head forward, leaning in to kiss me.