Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: Things are starting to come out. ...This chapter makes me feel sad. :(

Chapter Thirty Eight:

I couldn't decide if I loved or hated Catherine.

I mean, maybe I had both in equal measure. I liked that she ripped Jace a new one, and I liked the way she defended Dr.—Gil. I didn't like that she was constantly reminding me of what I didn't have. Still though, we had kind of reached a truce… and I ended up purchasing the mobile she'd seen in the store. I made a point of using cash rather than one of our traveler's checks (no credit cards accepted), and Jace came up behind me when I did, a hand on the counter on either side of me.

"…You don't have to do that, honey. It's all our money."

I stiffened beneath him and turned to face him, speaking softly so as not to make a scene. "The difference, honey, is that the money I bring home is for saving lives and bringing justice. …The money you bring home is at worst blood money… and at best, the product of turning a blind eye to the horrors of the world. …So I think I'll pay in cash, thank you."

I took my purchase and moved away from him, moving to where Catherine had discovered a beautiful handmade doll that she wanted to get for Lindsey. She grinned when I told her it was a great idea, and moved over to buy it, leaving me with Gil once again. I smiled softly at him. "I… I'm sorry about Jace… earlier."

He smiled. "It's nothing… Listen, I was planning to visit the research center tomorrow morning, see Lonesome George, and then… I was thinking maybe we could go snorkeling. Just you and me."

I frowned. "…What about Catherine?"

He shook his head. She wouldn't be interested in the Center, and the snorkeling is… well, I picked a place that was fairly shallow. I thought… I wasn't sure about the baby, so the water is only about 4-6 feet deep, where we'll be going. …I don't think Catherine really wants to be that close to fish…"

I couldn't help it, I felt a leaping excitement inside me at the proposition. "Yeah… That sounds like a lot of fun."

And then, Jace was behind me again. "Sara, I don't think snorkeling is a good idea in your condition…"

I huffed in frustration, ignoring him. "I would love to."

"Sara—" Jace started, but Catherine appeared in our midst again.

"Are we ready?"

The rest of the day was… well, I wouldn't say peaceful. Jace was sticking closer to me than ever before, constantly touching me, to the point that I was feeling claustrophobic. It was far too hot to have his constantly wrapped around me like he was doing an imitation of an octopus. I found excuses to not stand by him, simply because he would be all over within minutes, somehow thinking that my willingness to remain in proximity meant I was also willing to be cuddled standing up.

I broke off from the group when we returned, taking a shower and freshening up for dinner, only to find Jace sitting on the bed when I came out of the bathroom. I jumped, surprised to see him, but shook my head and moved over to my suitcase to retrieve my makeup bag. He cleared his throat, but I didn't look up.

"…Did something happen in San Francisco?"

I turned to him in surprise. "…I'm sorry?"

"Catherine, today, and then… Gil said something… that you'd always been faithful to me. …The way he said it made it sound like… like you almost weren't. …Like he didn't want you to be."

I looked at him for a long moment, and then sighed. "I met him the night of my bachelorette party. I didn't know who he was. We… became friends, after I saw his first lecture. He… said there was an obvious connection. …He wanted me to leave you, to try things with him."

A sob bubbled up from his lips, and I felt immensely guilty. He covered his face. "And you… were attracted to him too. …Not enough to cheat or leave me, but enough to… to make you not talk to him after he left. …Enough to make you not want to approach him in the pool, or meet his new girlfriend." I swallowed, watching him through dark eyes. Another sob escaped. "And now that… I've done this… Sara, he all but told me that he's pursuing you. He still wants you! …Tell me you're not going to leave me for him!"

I sighed, despite my heart racing at his words, moving over to sit next to him, drawing him closer to me and hugging him. Another sob slipped from his lips. …I had never seen the man cry like this. I mean, sure, the occasional tear at traumatic events… but not sobbing. He was scared to death he was going to lose me. I held him and rubbed his back, laying kisses to his temple. "Jace… Listen to me, okay? I… I don't know what's going on with us right now. I… don't know how I feel about all of it. …But Gil isn't a part of that. He's moved on, and… obviously I've been presented with this choice before. I think it's pretty clear what choice I made."

He looked up at me, desperate, and kissed me passionately, his cheeks still wet with tears, but after a moment I pulled away. "…Honey. I'm sorry that… this is hurting you, right now. But I… I'm still not sure what to do about this. How I feel about… what you did. I don't want you to feel threatened and I don't want you in pain, but I'm not going to pretend that everything's okay when it isn't."

He nodded, wiping at his eyes, and I hugged him again, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead before pulling from him and standing up slowly. "I'm… gonna go meet up with Gil and Catherine. You're welcome to join us…"

But he shook his head, slowly. "No, I… Sara, I'm not… myself… around them. Especially not… knowing how he feels about you. I know I can't tell you not to see him, but… having to see you two together… it brings out the worst in me. …I don't want you to see me like that."

I felt guilty again, and reminded myself sternly of everything I had learned about his company, and let my resolve strengthen. "…Okay. I'll… see you later then. Will you… at least make you eat something?"

He nodded, wiping at his cheeks stubbornly, the action making him look like a child. I wanted to reach out and hold and comfort him, and it was with effort that I turned to the door, deciding to go without make up, because if I stayed much longer, I wouldn't be able to make myself go at all. I was a sucker for a man in tears.

It bothered me most of the night, but I managed to push the thoughts away as we went to watch karaoke after dinner, Gil tasting each of my drinks beforehand to make sure they were alcohol free because, once again, my first of the night I had to spit out. But the way he did it without being asked struck me as so… considerate. I couldn't stop thinking about what Jace had said—Gil had more or less admitted that he still wanted me. That he was pursuing me. …Which wasn't necessarily a surprise, considering the way he'd spoken to me the previous night and our plans for the following day, but it was… interesting. It felt like I wasn't guessing anymore.

The only thing was… why didn't Catherine seem upset that he was tasting my drinks and laughing openly with me and breathing whispered jokes about the people singing into my ear, his arm slung along the back of my chair, his thumb stretching out to slide ever-so-gently along my shoulder blades before retreating again, as if he just simply couldn't keep from touching me in some small way.

And then he was breathing in my ear again, "…Do you want to go out onto the deck? Get some air?"

I glanced between him and her. "What about Catherine?" When I turned my head to speak, it put our lips in direct proximity. My breathing hitched, and he grinned.

"That's what I want to talk to you about…"

I frowned but stood up while he leaned over to her, said something that made her nod, and then moved over to me, guiding me out by the feather-like-touch of his fingers in the small of my back. I shivered as we walked out, and I wasn't certain if it was the cooler air, outside the bar, or his touch that caused it. I leaned back against the railing and he leaned beside me, his arm once again behind me, his fingertips still resting, just in subtle contact. I turned and looked at him, and he sighed.

"I tried to tell you last night. …Sara, Catherine isn't my girlfriend."

My eyes were wide and I had a sinking feeling. "Oh god… She's your wife."

He actually started in surprise. "What? No, Sara… she's just my friend."

I frowned. "I… don't understand."

"She… She started pretending, when we first saw you guys, because she said she could tell there was something between us. …Sara, I've been miserable this past year. The only reason we're on this cruise is because Catherine was worried about me… she needed some time away from the stress of her divorce, and she… she said she didn't want to see me burn out."

I tilted my head back. This was… a lot to take in. "…So… all those comments…"

"She was doing it to bother me… Sara, honey, I… I haven't been able to even look at another woman since you. I'm sorry that I lied… I mean, I didn't start it on purpose… I didn't know what she was doing. But then she said that… that it would put Jace at ease with me spending time with you and that… that it would make you show your feelings more… feel them more. …So you wouldn't be able to say that what you felt for me was… nothing."

"And you… You're telling me this because…"

"Because I've never gotten over you. …Because I can't help but believe that maybe you might still want me too."

I shook my head slowly. "I… I'm a married woman, Gil. I'm… pregnant."

"I know." He said, running a hand through his hair. "I… I don't want to pressure you. Really… we have roughly two weeks left though. I just… I want you to know where I stand, so you can make up your mind. Sara, at the wedding—"

"Don't."

"Sara, I—"

"No! …I… I can't talk about that. I can't, okay? Just… I know where you stand, yes? You accomplished what you meant to. …Tell Catherine she's a great actress."

I turned to walk away, back towards my room, and he caught my arm, pulling me back. "Sara, I need to—

"

"Please, Gil." I whimpered, my head spinning with all of this all over again. "I… I'll see you tomorrow morning, okay?"

He frowned and sighed, but nodded, and I turned and hurried back to the cabin. Jace was there, but when he saw me come in, change into pajamas, and curl into bed—and fairly early… it wasn't much past ten—it seemed like that was enough. He wished me sweet dreams and turned the lights off and the volume on the movie he was watching down.

I buried my face in my pillows, thinking that I could not, after everything I'd been through, be doing this all over again. There was no effing way.