Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: This is another one that I'm not sure if it'll make you guys happy or sad or both... there's a lot here. I didn't realize how long it was, but I didn't want to split it up.

I'm not sure when the next update will be... if I'm motivated, it might come tonight, if not, it might not be until tomorrow night. My fiance's neice is having her First Communion tomorrow... so it's a big family day. Not sure when I'll be home with time to write... :)

Hope you enjoy! Thanks for the reviews! Let me know what you think!

Chapter Forty Five:

She didn't turn me away. She let me come close, again, and soothe her to sleep. She still watched me with the unmistakable hunger in her eyes that I knew so well, because it had been in mine ever since I'd seen her again. And the next morning, she curled up with me, slept against me… called Catherine for a change of clothes and set up a breakfast and… didn't seem like she wanted me to go.

I was certain that she would want me to leave, after breakfast.

But instead she curled back up to my side, yawning and saying that between being pregnant and the medicine, she wasn't sure she'd be able to stay awake for more than a few hours ever again.

"When's the last time you took it?" I asked, though I was fairly sure I knew—halfway through dinner the previous night she had gone to the bathroom and by the sounds that followed her washing her hands, it had sounded like she was medicating. Which, you know, I couldn't blame her for—I wouldn't want to throw up when she was in my room.

"Last night." She murmured softly, "but I still feel it…"

We slept into the early afternoon. When we woke, I went out for food again, Sara wanting to avoid Jace as tomorrow we'd be docking in Tambor Bay, Costa Rica. I didn't ask why she was avoiding him… I didn't ask why she got her own room. There would be time, eventually… right now, I was just happy to be spending time with her. I ran into Catherine while I was collecting food—she asked if Sara had told her the truth that nothing had happened. My response of 'Absolutely nothing happened between us last night' had her frowning. I figured she might sense my evasion, but she moved on anyway, asking why we were holed up inside in paradise if we were even having sex.

I shrugged and moved away from her. It wasn't that I wouldn't prefer there to be some sex involved, but it was just nice to have her to myself for a while. For the first time since I'd known her, I wasn't spending time with her around Jace's schedule—he was more or less a non-issue, though I knew he would come here eventually, and that there would be hell to pay if he found us together. My only hope was that he didn't discover where her room was until the next day—then we could at least escape on shore every day.

I'd been looking at brochures—this wasn't a big port, but there was an airport nearby, so it couldn't be tiny, and it seemed like a lot of locally-run tourist options were available. Some were as simple as guided nature walks in the nearby Curu National Wildlife Reserve, but others provided canoes to rent or scenic drives through the Reserve, where they was reported to be a lot of animals often seen. There were also small shops, beaches… but the rainforest was what I was really excited about. Sara too.

We had spent a good portion of the movie not watching it but discussing how we could pay for a private guided tour and take the time to go bug hunting… She said she didn't know very much, but she had brought a field guide—I told her I'd teach her, and the smile she gave me was positively luminescent. It lit up the room. And when it was over, Styrofoam containers set aside, and she had curled to my side, yawning once again, I simply ran my hands through her hair, hoping that she would have some energy back tomorrow—it had been twenty four hours since her last dose, but she was pregnant.

"…Can't sleep?" She asked me, clearly not as close to sleep as I had assumed. I shrugged, enjoying the weight of her head on my shoulder that kept the slowed the action.

"We slept all day…"

She yawned again. "We did… We could play a game."

I raised an eyebrow, smirking. "What kind of game?"

She smiled and snuggled closer. "What else? Our usual… You tell me, I tell you."

I grinned, holding her closer, emboldened by how casual and comfortable she was with the intimacy. "Do you want to go first, or should I?"

"…Tell me about… the first time you got drunk."

I snorted. "The day I met Catherine Willows…" She laughed with me, smacking my chest lightly to admonish me. "Okay, okay… I was an undergrad. I was… a sophomore, I think. I didn't go to parties or anything, or, well… rarely. It wasn't my thing. But… Susan and I… We'd had a candle lit dinner, with wine, and… I didn't know my limits. It was… uneventful, except that I was teased about the things I said for the next year or so of my life…" She had tensed at Susan's name, telling me that she was, in fact, still jealous of the woman. Somehow, in the year we'd been apart, so much had changed and yet so little. I kissed her forehead in reassurance. "Yours?"

"I was… fourteen. I had an older foster sister who found where our foster parents kept the key to the liquor cabinet. We waited until they went to sleep and then snuck out a bottle that was already open, so they wouldn't notice… It was tequila. We… sipped it, but probably had several shots each. …We were… hysterical. Woke them up with our laughing… got caught…" She sighed softly. "We were both sent to different foster homes."

"…I'm sorry. Did you… like living with those people?"

She shrugged. "They weren't bad, so, you know… it was better than most. But I hadn't been there long, so I wasn't really… attached."

I nodded, and there was a brief pause. It was my turn to choose a question. "…What's the… most interesting place you've had sex?"

She laughed again, the fingers of the hand on my chest gently stroking me through her t-shirt. "Mmm… I assume an airplane bathroom beats the hood of a Camaro?"

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "…Was the Camaro outside?"

"No, it was inside. At night. In a locked garage." I grit my teeth, having guessed as much but now being certain that her partner in that one had been Jace.

"The airplane definitely wins. …I don't even… Why?" I asked, thinking that I had read that the altitude could enhance the entire experience, increase the euphoria… but the thought of attempting such a thing in a tiny airplane bathroom, with people outside…

She laughed again, a delicious throaty thing. "Spur of the moment… It was… Spring Break. We were all flying from Boston to Miami and… we wanted to be outrageous. I mean, isn't that the point of Spring Break? …Doing the things you'd never do otherwise?"

"Were you dating him?"

She shrugged. "We'd gone out a few times, but… I mean, he was a player. I knew it at the time. He was actually the T.A. in my Organic Chem. class. As far as the Chem. department was concerned, he was a BMoC."

I frowned. "A what?"

She laughed again. "Big Man on Campus. …It was not as good as I would have expected it to be—him or the experience in general."

I shifted beneath her, "Still… the logistics of such a thing. I mean, if you have a private jet and a bed, I get it, but… in a space that small?"

She shrugged. "The shower in this bathroom is smaller than an airplane bathroom… and I bet you could still do it in there…" My head turned, a little, to look at her. …Did she not realize what saying things like that did to me? "You?"

"Hmm?"

"Your most interesting place."

I shrugged again. "Either the store room I told you about or…"

She looked up at me. "…Or what?"

I made a face. "Probably the store room."

Her eyes lit up—she hadn't fallen for it. "No… it probably isn't, or you would have just said that. I told you my top two…"

"You have others that compare?"

She raised an eyebrow at me and I sighed again. "My biology teacher's desk."

"What?!" I jumped. She was apparently not so good with volume control.

I swallowed, pulling her tighter to me. "…I've never told anyone this."

"No, you could've been expelled for that! What if your teacher had walked in?" I hesitated, and then she gasped—she had figured it out. "…All these… escapades… take place at school. …In biology-related instances. …Gil, was Susan your biology professor?"

I hadn't been lying—assuming she had never told anyone, Susan and I had been the only ones to ever know… us, and now Sara. I nodded slowly and she frowned, tilting her head, watching me. I didn't know exactly what kind of response to expect… I just knew that I wanted to be completely honest with her. She had told me things that she had probably only shared with Jace and I. …Some, she may not even have shared with him. Did he know she'd been Little Red Riding Hood? Did he know she'd wanted to be a Chocolate Maker because she thought she'd get to eat everything she made?

"She hurt you." She says, and though I hadn't known what to expect, this was not it. I frowned, not wanted to look at her, but her hands gently turned my face towards her. "…You were nineteen, a virgin, in love with her subject, always staying for help or extra information… She was older than you, experienced, in control… beautiful. …Married?"

I shook my head. "No. …Well, no, she… she was married the first time it happened, in the store room. I… put a stop to it. …Said that… that God wouldn't forgive either of us if we continued… that I would never forgive myself. I… kept thinking what my mother would say to me. …Her marriage had been over long before I came along, though. Her husband asked for a divorce, they got a divorce, and… by the next semester, we were…having an affair."

"…Did you keep taking her classes?"

I blushed. "Yes, but… not because I needed the help with my grades. I was never given preferential treatment."

"…Then why?"

"So if we were seen in public, we had an excuse for being together—I was in her office asking for help, we were getting dinner because a study session had gone late, she was at my apartment because I'd left a book in her classroom…"

"…Why her office, if you… saw each other in privacy?"

I grit my teeth, but forced myself to be honest. "…She liked… that I was a student. She liked… control. I think, once I wasn't a student anymore, my appeal went with it. …So she would… have me come in to ask for help… she would treat me like a failing student who needed to 'earn' a grade…"

"Oh god!" She cringed, alarmed, tucking her face against my chest. "That's… Gil, that's… oh god. She… she used you! She… Oh my god! You should have told someone! You were a victim!"

I shook my head. "It's been a very long time, Sara. She was about twenty years older than me, which would make her in her sixties… I doubt there's any threat that she'll do it to anyone else."

She huffed indignantly, like that wasn't the point, and I slid my hands over her back, gently soothing her, because I really didn't want to drag all of this up in order to have her try to convince me how foolish and naïve I'd been—I knew that much already. I was… sharing. Being honest. …Trying to tell her things I'd never told anyone, because if there was one thing I'd learned in a lonely life, it was that keeping everything to yourself pushed people away more often than not.

The low moan that escaped her lips at my caresses surprised me—if it wasn't sexual, it was decidedly sensual in nature. And though I knew I should stop, especially because the effect she was having on me was going to be noticeable if I didn't, considering the way her leg and hip were slung over mine… I couldn't help it. I added a little pressure, pressing down her back in long glides. When she moaned again, I thought I'd be ready for it, but I wasn't. My breathing stuttered, heat shot down my spine, and I shifted uncomfortably, trying to guide an erection away from her notice.

I stopped then, but she didn't want me to stop. She scooted herself closer, trying to encourage me to start again… and in the process, pressed her leg right up against me. I closed my eyes, absolutely mortified, when I felt her stop moving in surprise and her gaze shift downwards. I tried desperately to think of something to say—to explain, to write it off, to make her laugh it off… I came up with nothing. She, however, seemed to be at no such loss for words.

"…Not such a little caterpillar after all."

I choked, half-laughing and half-incredulous but entirely embarrassed, thinking that the only solution was to pull myself out of bed, apologize profusely, and hope that tomorrow she would pretend this had never happened, just as she pretended that our almost-encounter never happened. She caught my movement, however, and stopped, me, her right arm, previously on my chest, stretched out to hold my left so that I was pressed to her.

"…Don't be embarrassed. It's just… harder for you to hide."

I groaned out loud at her words—was she trying to kill me? How much self control did the woman really think I had if she was implying that she was equally aroused but just better able to hide it. "Sara… I should go."

Her hand came down on my stomach, running gently above the elephant in the room. "…Stay."

I leaned back on the pillows in acquiescence, but I was anything but relaxed. My breath was coming in pants. I wanted more than anything to lift my hips… to tell her without words where I wanted that hand. I balled my fists and closed my eyes, thinking that I would be a saint if I made it through this night without once again pushing too far and being stopped abruptly.

"Sara—"

"…The other night, after… we stopped… Did you… finish yourself?"

I felt heat fill my face. "Sara—"

"It's my turn for a question, Gil. …You have to answer honestly."

Her gentle fingertips slid teasingly against the waistband of the shorts I was wearing, brushing against the waistband of my boxers. I gasped. "I… No. I wanted to but… without you… it wasn't the same. It just… made me sad."

"…Can I make you happy?" Her voice was deep and dark and husky and made the area she was slowly approaching throb.

Oh god. Those were definitely her fingers now brushing against my bare skin, beneath the waist band of my boxers, and she had definitely just said that. "Sara…" This time is was more like a moan than a warning. Her lips came over mine. "…Let me make you happy, Gil."

Her whole hand slipped down, grasping me firmly, sending a powerful jolt through my whole body. "Yesss, " I hissed, uncertain what I was agreeing to anymore, simply out of my mind that this was really happening. My eyes had rolled back in my head.

She stoked me one, a long, slow thing, that had me breathing like I'd run a marathon. "Oh, fuck, Sara." I said, through grit teeth, and she giggled. Actually giggled. If I had been less strung out, this might have caused me pause—she was enjoying the tease too much—but I was mindless at this point. I lifted against her hand, desperate, afraid to touch her or kiss her, thinking I would scare her away… make her stop touching me. I never, ever, wanted her to stop touching me.

She rose up, letting the blankets fall from her form and slipping her hand out, chuckling at the accompanying groan I released. She put one knee between my legs, unbuttoning and unzipping and in one smooth movement down my legs, freeing my erection from its strains, into the open air. I tried to watch her—tried to predict what was coming and prepare myself… but I couldn't keep my eyes open. She pulled her SFCL t-shirt up and off my head, leaving me naked and her fully clothed.

When she straddled me, I reached for her shirt, seeking some comfort… some sense of shared vulnerability, and though she allowed me to pull it from her frame, followed swiftly by her bra, she batted my hands away. "No… this is going to be for you."

"Sara—" I said again, once against trying to raise a protest, and once again stopped by her hand around me, in between her spread thighs, the strokes long and teasing and yet so. fucking. good. I moaned out loud again, trying to reach for her and finally being allowed—not to pleasure her, but to add to my own. I glided my hands up her abdomen, very gently caressed each breast, all the while my breathing coming in hot, fast puffs from my dry lips while she worked me.

She sped up, slowly, driving me crazy with want, batting my hands away each time I attempted to reach for the front of her pants, trying to reciprocate in some way. "I just want you to feel good, Gil. …Tell me I'm making you feel good."

"So good, honey. Sara… please…" I wasn't sure if I was begging for release or begging that she let me touch her—I believed she was doing neither when she suddenly disappeared, my sweaty-haired head falling back to the pillow in frustration and disbelief and what was going to be the worst case of blue balls in the history of the world—and when I felt the thin, wet line of her tongue moving over me, from base to head… "Oh Jesus!" I said, my whole body jumping in reaction again.

I expected her to giggle, but she didn't… she took me in her mouth and pushed me as quickly towards orgasm as I had ever been pushed. Honestly, fucking stars in front of my eyes I was so delirious with what she was doing. I tried to hold back, I warned her… tried to pull away. She tugged me closer, held me still, sucked harder, sliding deeper, one hand still pumping beneath her glorious mouth—and there was nothing I could do but arch up into her mouth as the most intense pleasure I had ever experienced rocked through my frame, down my spine, into my hips and between my thighs before ricocheting back through me. She stayed with me, slowing but not stopping as I emptied myself in her mouth in what felt like an unending climax, my entire body arched off the bed with the force of it.

When I was finished, thrown back against the pillows, gasping for air, my entire body tingling--Seriously, my fucking teeth were tingling--she draped her body over mine, arms under my arms and hands pressed flat between my shoulder blades and the mattress, her head resting in the center of my chest, her breathing soft.

I could hardly open my eyes, much less move… but I tried. "Sara… Sara, let me…"

"No," she said, soft against my chest. "…This was perfect, just the way it was."

I let out a breath. …Really? I mean, I did not think I had ever, ever come like this… but if I could describe the perfect encounter without actually making love to her, it would not be like this. I would have been able to touch her, kiss her, taste her… listen to the way she sounds and discover what she likes and feel her walls tighten around my fingers as she arched her back in as much desperation as I had, urgently seeking and giving in.

"…I want to."

"I don't."

I let out another breath, my head spinning. I could not be expected to think clearly after that. "…What… are we doing?"

She shrugged, and for the first time it honestly seemed unconcerned. Her voice was sleepy again. "…I don't know. I'm just… tired of denying this. Of… being uncertain. So… I'm not thinking about it, anymore."

I wrapped my arms up around her, thinking that that might work for her, because she was confused… it simplified things. For me, though… it only complicated...everything. And as much as I knew I ought to say no… I also knew that I wouldn't.