Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: Longest day of my life. Sorry if it's a little short... my last one was super long, and considering the running I did today, I'm gonna call it good. And then, I'm gonna go to bed. :) At least we got some wedding planning done today! :D

Okay, let me know what you think. Goodnight!

Chapter Forty Six:

I fell asleep, because she had exhausted me, though my dreams were full of swooping specters that left me unsettled, though I could never quite define what they were. I woke up feeling not as well rested as I ought to, and though I smiled at her when her eyes flickered open seconds after mine and leaned over to kiss her, morning breath and all, I felt… uncertain. Like the events of the previous night did not necessarily mean anything.

She was still bare from the waist up, and I was completely naked. …And I felt uncomfortable. When you finally spend an amazing night with someone you've dreamed about for so long… the nakedness should seem natural. Glorious, even. It should make you giddy, not awkward and shy. I was four shades of red and she kept the blankets tucked under her arms.

I turned away, allowing her to slide out of bed with some modesty, retrieve her shirt and move to the bathroom. I was out and throwing on clothes rapidly as well, feeling exposed in the cool air of early morning. I paced, I sat on the bed, and finally (it had probably not been a full five minutes…) moved over to the door, feeling like I was being a coward. "Sara?"

"…Just a minute!"

"I, uh… I'm gonna go to my room, shower and change… catch up with Catherine. Did you want to meet for breakfast or…"

"Um… maybe. Sit with Catherine. If I'm not up there in twenty minutes, go ahead and start without me."

So I sighed, shrugged, said goodbye… and left. I showered and changed, and then headed straight to Catherine's room, banging on the door. When it swung open, revealing a well-muscled man in his tighty-whiteys, I positively cringed. It was a testament to how very desperate I was that I did not turn and walk away at that moment. "…I'm looking for Catherine."

He left the door open and moved over to the bed, gently shaking her. She moaned softly, "Oh, man, I am not ready for round three quite yet…"

Did I mention that I was desperate? "Catherine." I said sternly and a little loudly. She shot up, her blankets tucked under her arms as well, but making it very clear that she was naked beneath it. Well, it was nice to know that some women ended up naked after intimacy. Her hair was wild, falling over her face, her eyes slightly out of focus. I sighed. "I… need some advice. …Sooner rather than later."

She looked at me for a long moment, through the hair that had fallen across her eyes, and then nodded. "…I'll be down to breakfast in twenty."

"Sara said she might be there in twenty… and that was ten minutes ago."

She huffed, running fingers through her hair and pulling it back into a ponytail she'd had around her wrist, and then slid out of bed, rotating slowly on the spot, until the sheet she had wrapped around her was completely free of the bed. She sighed again, moving to one of the two chairs in the room. "Well, come in and close the door."

I frowned at her bed fellow, but he seemed untroubled. He picked up clothes from the floor and moved into the bathroom. A moment later, I heard the water turn on. I closed the door, belatedly, and moved to sit in the chair opposite her. "I… have no idea what to do next."

She nodded. "Figures. Tell me what happened…"

"Okay, so… we spent the whole day together, just… sleeping, watching TV, sharing meals… and then, last night, we weren't really tired because we'd slept all day, so we were… talking. And one thing led to another and…"

"You slept with her."

"I…" I frowned. "Kind of?"

She sighed and cocked her head. "There's no kind of, Gil. Penetration or no?"

"…No."

"So you… what? Oral?"

"…Yes."

Her eyebrows rose. "Nice. So, what… were you not so good? Need some pointers? 'Cause, honestly, Gil, you seem like you're doing just fine."

My whole face burned. This was mortifying. "I… No, I don't need any pointers. I… She wouldn't let me… reciprocate."

She frowned. "So wait… She blew you, and then… told you that was it? Go to sleep? No thank you?"

"Yes." I stressed, feeling completely confused.

"…Was she trying to be nice?"

"No. …I don't think so. She didn't say 'You don't have to,' she said… Well, no, I said 'I want to' and she said 'I don't'."

"…Is she crazy religious?"

"No! She's… all but an atheist."

"…Did she let you do anything?"

I put my hands to my face—there was no way I could describe this in detail and look at her, but it had to be done. Things weren't right, and I had to understand them to fix them. "She… let me touch her… above the waist. But not to… do anything for her. It was only… to enhance… my experience. Any time I tried to pull off her pants or… touch her… She'd push me away."

When she was silent, I peeked. She looked deep in thought, and then she sighed.

"Gil, I… I think she's insecure."

"What?!" I said, incredulous. If anyone ought to be insecure, it was me. She'd been turning me down since I met her…

"And… confused. She feels guilty."

I braced my forehead against my hands. "…Okay. I'm lost. Just… spell it out for me."

"…She gave in, allowing herself to be with you, because she wants it so bad that she can't deny it anymore. But she pushed you away for two reasons. First, you touching her in that way is awfully close to another man's baby… not just like touching her stomach, but like banging on baby's door, you know? …She probably feels like that's a bigger betrayal than just sleeping with you if she weren't pregnant. …Second, she still feels guilty—she might not be able to fight it anymore, and she might even be trying not to think about it, but you can bet she feels terrible whenever he crosses her mind… If she doesn't gain any pleasure from the experience, she can feel less guilty."

"That's crazy."

She laughed. "Emotions don't make people act rationally, Gil. …She probably doesn't feel… confident enough about you, to take the final leap and break things off with Jace—thus ending the guilt and the sense of betrayal. She's insecure about going too far in betraying Jace, because she is sure about him, even if she isn't sure that she wants to be with him. …So the question is, what are you going to do to reassure her of your honorable intentions?"

My head was spinning with the explanation, but… Catherine, thankfully, had simplified it for me, to some extent. I needed to reassure her. …I needed to tell her that I'd been at the wedding. I had let it slide, thinking I would find the right moment… thinking I would wait, and that as we got closer, she'd be more willing to talk about San Francisco. …I couldn't wait anymore. I would tell her today.

…I would not tell her today. She showed up at breakfast with Catherine and Mr. Tighty-Whiteys, whose name I had learned was Jesse—he had come on the cruise because it was a dream of his to surf with Giant Sea Turtles. …He was 'majorly bummed' when he arrived in Puerto Ayora and found no such activity readily available—and we were joined shortly thereafter by Jace, suggesting we explore the town together again.

Sara laughed in a way that was too loud and said, "Oh… Yeah, I guess. I mean, why not? …We're all friends here."

Catherine raised an eyebrow at her and I narrowed my eyes in frustration, but Jace didn't react. …Which told me that he was either dumb as a rock, or he knew something had happened—he was not surprised. I frowned, wondering what this was going to mean… I spent the day making sure that she was never alone with him, whether it meant sticking close to them, dragging Catherine over to look at something that Sara had been when Jace tried to approach her, and even trying to spark conversations about surfing with Sara and Jesse. This was the most effective—it got us through the second half of the day and on to dinner, during which Jace didn't join us.

Jesse, Catherine, Sara, and I decided to go to an on-board bowling alley for the evening, and when I walked her back to her room, I was reluctant to leave her alone, thinking that I could not honestly hope that Jace would not have figured out her room by now… and I didn't want him questioning her about what had happened between us before it was more… concrete. Before I could easily define it in my mind…and know that her definition matched mine. Then she could tell him.

She paused in front of the door, sighing softly, and though she hesitated long enough for me to inhale sharply, bracing myself for the rejection, it didn't come. "…Do you want to stay, again?"

I half-smiled. The awkwardness was there, but so was the thrumming, half-blind desire for her. "…We don't have to… do what we did last night. I just… liked sleeping with you."

The smile she gave me was radiant, the awkwardness slinking away, and we stepped inside. …I didn't expect anything to happen, after that exchange, but the way she pulled me to her and captured my lips once inside… apparently I was wrong.

It was… more or less the same. I wanted to tell her about the wedding, but I also didn't want it to be moments after we'd fallen into bed. I wanted her to believe me… and so I couldn't have any clear ulterior motive, like sex, immediately available. When she pushed my hands away again, I rolled her until she was on her back, settling my body between her thighs and kissing her hard. I rocked up again her, she moaned, and did not protest—did not push me away or complain.

I mean, sure, we were both still wearing pants and she probably wouldn't come this way… but I was bringing her pleasure, at least, and maybe, if I got her worked up enough, she'd allow me to touch her through her pants. …I could probably finish her that way, if she were sufficiently teased…

And tomorrow, she had promised we'd go bug hunting. …Tomorrow, I would find a way to tell her, or die trying.