Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: First of all, all my insect/rainforest related references come from the list of sites I will place at the bottom. I am more than aware that wikipedia is not as reliable as I could hope for, and I am giving fair warning that I did only enough research to get by... so while I believe that each of these animals frequent Costa Rican Rainforests, I cannot tell you if it's the right time or year or right altitude for them to be seen, nor can I testify as to whether they would be so readily seen on a trail. :) Grissom can come yell at me, if he wants to. ...No, really, he can come here. Please. :)

Anywho, this chapter, I believe, had been much awaited. And the next one, half-written at this point, is probably even more so. :) (How's that for being a tease, edge? :P) Jelly, why would I kill him? I love him. Aaand, csiKathy, your predictions are oh-so-accurate. I hope I made bug-hunting interesting. I tried. Gsrmania and CSIfan3408, Don't you think true love is a rational enough reason to leave Jace, without him being a conniving, cheating, evil bastard? No? I mean, does he have to be so bad? ...?

:) I'm gonna go work on conferences, but I'll probably finish the chapter before I finish those, because I have my priorities. Hehe. It should be up soon...

Chapter Forty Seven:

I wasn't thinking about it.

Because when I thought about it, I hated myself. There was the wide, gaping, yawning hole in my chest that positively throbbed when I did. The previous day had been excruciating, with Jace constantly there…and I would have to tell him. There was no way I couldn't… I just wanted to know what I was doing, when I did. So I had more to say than, "I cheated on you, but I don't want to stop seeing him and I don't know if I want to leave you. Please let me continue to leave you in limbo while I screw around with him and see if that makes me any happier than I was when I wasn't letting myself have him."

God, I was a horrible person.

…But if I didn't have to see him, I could at least take a little more time, before that confrontation. I could at least figure out what I wanted, so I knew what to say. Gil called Catherine that morning, inviting her and Jesse to meet us for breakfast somewhere else, away from the main dining room, and then moved into the bathroom, where I was brushing my teeth, pressing himself against my back with a low growl. I shivered, my eyes falling closed, a wave of guilt rushing over me again… I had felt like, if I only did things for him, then what I was doing wasn't as bad. I hadn't let him take my pants off, and yet somehow, the night before… I felt my stomach muscles tighten at the mere memory of the way he'd touched me.

"They said they'll meet us at the one on the top deck… You know, that little place with the made-to-order omelet bar?"

"Sounds good," I said, a little breathlessly. He was still pressed up behind me, bent over me, his mouth moving over my neck and shoulder.

He grinned. "I'm gonna go shower and change… I'll see you in twenty minutes?"

I hesitated, briefly, thinking that I had told him that sex in the tiny shower in here could be done… but I still wasn't willing to let that happen, no matter how this man affected me when he touched me. And good lord, how he affected me. "Okay… Make sure to put on sunscreen, we'll be out all day…"

He raked his teeth over my skin, smirking at my gasp, and then kissed my temple. "I will."

And then he was gone. I showered, dressed, sunscreened, and then wound my hair up on my head before hurrying to meet them. The elevator I found myself in was glass—I was going up, and the one beside it was going down… with Jace inside. I turned my back to him, thinking I had dodged a major bullet, but that I likely wouldn't get the chance again. …At least he hadn't seen me.

Hopefully.

Breakfast was good, though rushed… I don't know if Gil knew I wanted to hurry to avoid Jace, or if he thought I was just anxious to get on to our bug hunt. Either way, he was happy to go along with me, something I was grateful for. We waved to Catherine and Jesse and hurried onto shore, not wasting any time in finding a guide who would take the two of us on a private walk through the Reserve, though it was a drive out there. The man's English was limited, but Gil and I, apparently, both knew enough Spanish that between the three of us, we could come to an understanding.

Gil paid, though I offered. I think he, too, saw it as Jace's money and didn't want the man anywhere in our little adventure. It was a twenty minute drive on a shuttle bus that was open on top, with half the seatbelts broken. I was glad I'd reminded Gil to wear sunscreen and grinned cheekily at the straw hat he was sporting, which he'd purchased in Puerto Ayora, despite Catherine and I teasing him about it. I turned slightly in my chair and leaned back against him, my back to his chest, his arm draped over my chest. It was humid, but early enough in the morning that the heat was not strong yet—cuddling was still a bearable option.

I tried to talk to him—ask which bugs he most wanted to see—but it was just too loud. The bus creaked and rumbled as it went over dips and holes in the road, rocks were kicked up and bounced and clattered against the sides and underside of the bus, and the 'highway noise' sound of the tires on the ground wasn't blocked at all by windows or… a ceiling. We were shouting in each others' ears and still misunderstanding each other, so I simply closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of him mixed with the approaching scent of rainforest in the tropical air. It was nice; an earthy, wet smell, mixed with something warm and masculine and… enlivening.

When we stopped, Juan, our guide, called back to us and we clambered out. He called Gil 'Gree-ssom' and I was simply 'Senora.' …Which was fine. I wasn't sure if he'd misheard me telling him my name, or whether he was just being respectful. I had a bug book, but shortly after tucked it into the small backpack I'd brought with, because there was nothing it could tell me that Gil could not.

"Do you hear that?" He said, indicating a sound that was reminiscent of a cricket, but so much louder. I nodded and he grinned, "Male Wood Crickets. They rub the overlapping edges of their wing cases together."

"…I thought crickets chirped by rubbing their legs together? Are these ones different?"

He grinned. "No—it's a common misconception. This sound is a mating call—He holds his wings up and open and rubs them together, so the sound travels father—it attracts females and repels males. When a male is near, he has a rather aggressive chirp, and …When a female cricket is near, it turns soft and quiet… a wooing song."

I laughed. "So men are all the same, is what you're telling me?"

He grinned. "Pretty much. …When they're done mating, there's a considerably shorter chirp or song… like a cricket sigh of contentment."

I tilted my head. "…I had heard that only humans and dolphins had sex for pleasure…"

He slid an arm around my waist. "Why, then, do our primate fellows masturbate? …I'm inclined to think that, orgasm or no, every living thing finds sex pleasurable in one way or another…"

I blushed and Juan looked back at us from about ten feet ahead, no doubt thinking that we were the slowest tourists in the world. We weren't exactly sure if he'd grasped the concept that we were mainly looking for bugs—he kept telling us about this spectacular waterfall near the end of the trail. Still, even if it wasn't a spectacular flock of Blue Morpho Butterflies, I was excited to see it.

"Oh, Sara, look!" He said, pulling me to one side of the trail to see what looked like a walking leaf, which he declared a 'Leaf Insect.' …I could have told him that. He went on to tell me about Hummingbird Flower Mites that were so small they moved from flower to flower in the nostrils of hummingbirds, even the Bee Hummingbird, the smallest of the species, which was a maximum of two inches in length, mostly tail and beak.

"The males are extremely territorial—they fly at each other, almost like fighter pilots… I've heard it's spectacular to see. They fight over areas that had lots of bright, sweet-smelling flowers, because it attracts females. It's like… prostitution. The oldest profession in the world: Food for sex."

I snorted. "Sounds more like modern dating. Bring me flowers, buy me a nice dinner…"

"Sara Sidle," he teased, using my married name for the second time. How did he know that that send secret thrills through me? "…Are you telling me that you're easy?"

I laughed again, linking my hand through his, despite the day getting warmer. "I'm… telling you that I am one of many living things that finds sex pleasurable… in one way or another."

He laughed too, and Juan turned to look at us again. …I sincerely hoped he only understood as much English as I'd thought…

Gil pointed out a beautiful Zebra Longwing butterfly, an exquisite specimen with black and white stripes, and a Banded Peacock that was brown with white and red markings. He said it could be found in the southern US too, but somehow, here, in the middle of all this greenery and life, it seemed more vibrant… more rare and unique and alive. …I felt more alive, here.

He showed me a moth pretending to be a butterfly—having evolved to look like another species for it's own protection—'Batesian Mimicry.' He went on to tell me about other kinds of mimicry and how fabulous and amazing it was that creatures had evolved in such fascinating ways, to be less appealing targets or more effective hunters or more attractive mates… and his enthusiasm was catching.

By the time we reached the waterfall, Juan suggesting we take a break, even though we were almost back to the bus, because it was nearing noon and this area was not covered by the thick canopy we'd been blanketed by the rest of the walk—it was hot. We sat on rocks, pulling out bottles of water, and Juan told us in broken English, with a few Spanish words to help, that he'd never guided a tour in which the tourist knew more than he did. Gil laughed and apologized, and Juan shook his head, saying that he now knew more things to teach on his tours… which made me blush. He had to have understood more than I thought he would.

He moved off then, giving us some time to ourselves, and I sighed in contentment. "…It's so beautiful, here."

"It is," he said, and I glanced at him out of the side of my eyes. He was looking at me. I blushed brighter, turning away, but he gently turned me back. "Sara… I need to talk to you."

I frowned. I wasn't thinking about this. That was the only way I could deal with it. He took my hand, even as I was shaking my hand, and his voice was gentle. "Honey… I know you've told me that you don't want to. But… this is important. Honey… Why did you marry Jace?"

I closed my eyes in pain. "I can't do this, Gil." I tried to stand but he kept my hand, pulling me gently back down to sit with him. I huffed, leveling him with my best angry face. He smiled softly.

"…Normally that look would scare me, Sara. …But nothing is scarier than the thought of losing you a second time. Honey… You were looking around. You hesitated, before 'I do.' …Were you looking for me?"

My mouth was dry and suddenly I felt dizzy. Was I dehydrated? I picked up the bottle of water and drank deeply, my hands shaking. I could do this. I could face this. …How the fuck did he know what I'd done? "I… Gil, how do you… It… it doesn't matter. You weren't there, so whether I looked or not—"

He gripped my hand tightly and I stopped speaking, looking to him in a question. His eyes were shining and he looked desperate… like a man on fire… like this moment was the most important of his life. I breathed in, feeling the important in his expression make the air around us heavy. "Sara… Sara, honey, I was there."

I shook my head. "No, Gil, I… I looked for you. I—"

"I know." He said, softly, and then he had slid off the rock, kneeling in front of me. "I know you looked for me, and I know you hesitated, because I watched you do it. …Sara, a… a bridesmaid… came out, right before the wedding started. She told me that you'd told Jace about our kiss on the Berkeley campus… she said you wanted me to move out of sight, so as not to create a scene. …I moved, because I didn't want to ruin your wedding, honey, but… I was there until it was over."

I couldn't breathe. My world was falling apart. He… had been there. I had looked for him… would honestly have run to him… and I had thought he'd betrayed me. He hadn't been there, but he had been and… my best friend. Rachel, the only one who knew… the only one I trusted with the twisted uncertainty that had been in my heart that week… I felt tears spark my eyes, but I could not have told you if they were sad or angry. I grit my teeth, wiping furiously, unwilling to cry in front of Gil yet again. …Everything could be so much simpler… so different… if I had only known.

"Sara?" His soft voice drew me back to the present, grounding me, making me draw in breath and my head stop spinning and my grip on the concrete reality around me restored. "…If you had seen me, would you have married him?"

wikipedia(dot)org/wiki/Cricket_(insect)

costarica-homeschool(dot)

costarica-homeschool(dot)

rainforests(dot)mongabay(dot)

en(dot)wikipedia(dot)org/wiki/Wildlife_of_Costa_Rica