Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N: So, this is a little fluff, and a little reality, because I think this particular long distance relationship would be more than difficult. :) Also, it's building up to some angst. The next chapter will be a little angsty, but never fear, it sets us on the path for the final happy ending. I've said this before, but let me reassure you guys again--I only do GSR happy endings. Please stick with me!

Chapter Sixty One:

I missed Gil every day, but it was hard to be sad when I had someone so wonderful monopolizing my time—it seemed like every day I learned something new about Ayla. She liked to hold Gil's grandmother's wedding ring while she nursed, and even though she couldn't quite smile, I swear her eyes lit up when she saw me. She always burped better if I leaned her forward against one palm and patted her back that way, instead of against my shoulder. She rarely cried, and I was amazing that I really could tell by her cry what she wanted… if she was hungry or needed a change or was getting sleepy, or just needed more time cuddling.

I had intended to keep her crib in the nursery, so that there was no reason for Jace to ever come into my room… but I broke down after the first night, partly out of exhaustion—I was so very tired and the trek to the nursery to feed her every four hours had taken its toll—and partly out of fear—Even when she was asleep, I couldn't fall deeply asleep… I was so afraid something would happen to her.

There was a section of the crib that was detachable—a bassinet that fit in the larger crib, but could also be set on a bed or hooked to the side of one. So I started having her sleep in my room—it was just easier. I slept better, she woke up to eat and I didn't even have to climb out of bed. Only if she needed a change would I have to get up and move her around, and I was quite sore after labor… the less time I had to move, the better.

Jace insisted on helping, and though it was strange at first, having him in my room in the middle of the night in only his boxers, watching me breastfeed our daughter and then taking her while I tucked myself back in my gown to change her so I wouldn't have to. I would sit up in bed, anxious at his presence, until he passed her back to me or sat on the end of the bed to rock her back to sleep himself.

I tried to talk to Gil every night—we didn't even bother calling through Michelle and Kyleigh anymore, and Jace said nothing. I wasn't sure if this meant that he wasn't checking any information or he just wasn't saying anything either way… because, really, what was he going to do? Take away my cell phone? Not allow me to leave the house? He'd have to go to work sometime, and we both knew that no court would give Ayla to a man that controlling.

The problem was predicting when he would call, so I could be awake for it. Now that Ayla was in my room and we were on a sleeping schedule, I slept heavily… I still woke easily to her cries, but anything else was lost on me as I caught my sleep in interrupted increments. He tried to call at seven every day, but if he got called in early, it might be earlier or later… or much later, if he were out in the field and had planned to step away from a scene for a few minutes and ended up not having service. There were some nights where he would be off schedule and I would miss his calls altogether.

The good thing was that he worked nights—when I would get up with Ayla, if I'd missed him, I could call at any hour… but I couldn't always expect him to answer. If he was at a scene out in the desert and therefore out of the service area or in an interrogation or completing a time-sensitive test or following a big lead or processing a particularly delicate case… He'd call me back when he could, but usually I'd be asleep again.

It put a strain on our relationship—we snapped at each other more, frustrated at missing each other. I would tell him things about Ayla, and sometimes it made him happy while other times it seemed to only upset him, because he wasn't there to see it. He was on edge, and it only got worse when I mentioned Jace… and I only mentioned him in passing, when telling a story about Ayla, but that seemed to be enough to set him off.

I tried to be patient—I knew that he was under a lot of stress and was missing me as much as I missed him. He didn't have Ayla with him to help take his mind off the distance. But the fact of the matter was that I couldn't always be understanding—I could tell the hormones in my body were still attempting to right themselves after my pregnancy because, besides being constantly tired, I would cry at the smallest things. We were out of milk the other morning, which I only discovered after pouring cereal into my bowl… I slumped to the floor and dissolved into tears from it.

Jace was worried that it was something serious—post partum depression or at the very least, baby blues… but I wasn't so sure. Wasn't it normal to be a little emotional and very tired? I didn't feel like I didn't want Ayla and I wouldn't characterize myself as depressed… just inclined to violent mood swings. The literature I found online was vague—it sounded like it could be something or nothing. I tried to bring it up to Gil, thinking that if he agreed with Jace I'd go in and ask my doctor about it, but if he disagreed, I'd wait and see if things got better.

He snapped at me when I started my sentence with, "…So Jace thinks that I—"

"Do you ever stop talking about him?!"

I grit my teeth, restraining myself, reminding myself that he was in a difficult position.

"…Gil, honey, I… I don't really talk about him. I was just… looking for an opinion. …I know you're upset about the situation we're in and I don't blame you for that for a minute, but… Is something else wrong?"

He sighed, heavily. "No… I just… some things that Jace said to me, when I was in Boston."

I frowned. "What did he say?!"

"…Nothing, Sara. He… We were both baiting each other. It's nothing I shouldn't have expected. I'm sorry, honey."

"…Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"…I showed Ayla a picture of you, from the cruise, today. …I swear she recognized you—her eyes lit up the way they always do when she sees me. …Do you think she remembers you?"

"I hope so." He sighed again, muttering under his breath before speaking more clearly into the phone, "…Sara, honey, I gotta go."

"You just get paged?"

"Yep… Two bodies found in a car on the side of a dirt road, way out in the desert… suspicious circs. The windows were open, so the car is full of insects…"

I sighed this time. "…Okay. I love you."

"I love you too, honey. …Tell Ayla that I love her too."

"I tell her every night before bed."

I could hear the smile in his voice, and hoped that it helped with whatever had been bothering him. "I'm glad. Goodnight, Sara."

"Goodnight, Gil."

It was like this for the first few months of Ayla's life… we tried so hard to talk daily and I tried to keep him updated on the things in her life—the first real smiles, especially the ones that broke out across her face when she saw me, the first hints at laughter, and her attempts at rolling over. He rejoiced and despaired in equal measure, and I tried so hard to be understanding and patient, but on more than one occasion we hung up the phone angry—later that night, often times in the middle of the night, one of us would call the other to apologize for the lost tempers and the harsh words, but it didn't necessarily change how we'd behave the next time around.

On his nights off, I'd wait until I was sure Jace was asleep, move a sleeping Ayla back to her bedroom as she could now be relied upon to sleep at least five hours for one portion of the night, and call Gil. The first time we did this, we were just excited to be able to talk for an extended period of time… and though he was concerned about keeping me up, I promised him that I'd let Jace take Ayla the next day so I could catch up—he rarely got a night off in which he wasn't called in, and I didn't want to waste it. We started out just talking, but of course, one thing always leads to another…

I sighed. "I miss you so much…"

"I miss you too. I wish I was there with you…"

"Me too."

There's a brief pause, and then, "…I actually counted off the six weeks, after Ayla was born… before I let myself… imagine you… again. I… thought that was only fair."

I smiled—after his admissions about the fantasies surrounding my baby bump (I won't even go into the positions he had imagined to take stress off of me and Ayla…), I should have expected as much. "I was thinking about you right away… though I couldn't do anything about it. It's only just stopped hurting this week…"

"…So, if I were there… you wouldn't be in pain."

I let my eyes close. "If you were here, I think I would be in the throes of… the opposite of pain."

I could hear the grin in his voice. "Yes, you would." His deep tone sent shivers through me, and I couldn't help but encourage him, just a little…

"Oh? And how would you be accomplishing that?"

There was a brief pause, and he swallowed. "…I've never had phone sex before."

I felt myself blushing. "…I'm sorry, Gil. I… I didn't mean to push. I just thought that was where this was going and… I can't tell you how frustrated I am. I think that's the hormones—I felt this way during the pregnancy too. It's like I'm insatiable… and with you so far away…I'm sorry."

"No! …Don't be sorry. I, uh… I wasn't saying it as a…complaint. I… I'm not so sure I'll be very good at it."

"Honey, at this point, I could probably come just listening to you describe your bugs in that deep voice… You have no idea."

"…What are you wearing?" I was wearing a nursing gown, but that didn't seem very appropriate to me. I hesitated, and he chuckled. "You don't have to be in something sexy… I always find you more desirable than any other woman in the world…"

I swallowed. "A purple nursing gown… my breasts leak while I sleep, so it's nice to have the absorbent padding without wearing a bra to bed…"

"…The point of those is to offer easy access, isn't it?" I blushed again, feeling tingles straight down to my toes.

"It is…"

He sighed softly, "Oh, Sara, I miss you so much… I can't decide what I would want to do first. …No, that's not true. I'd want to kiss you. Our kisses have always been…"

"Explosive." I provided.

"…but after that, I think I'd just want to start by running my hands over your body, through the soft fabric, just to know what you feel like now…"

"I have all this deflated tummy fat…"

"Sara, your body is and always will be beautiful. …I would start on your stomach, laying soft kisses up between your breasts as I pulled the gown over your head…"

I swallowed hard. "I would already be arching up into you, that's how badly I want you…"

I would press my body to yours and—"

"Wait. What are you wearing…?"

"…Nothing."

My eyes rolled back in my head and I had to stifle a moan. He chuckled. "So when I pressed against you, honey, you would feel every inch of my skin… our chests pressed together, our hips locked, the feel of me pressing between your thighs…"

I moaned again. "Oh, I wouldn't be able to take that. …I'd reach down and guide you inside me."

"No, I'd stop you… the first time we make love after Ayla needs to be soft and slow… with lots of build up."

I laughed and whined together. "You really don't understand—I'm built up."

"A little extra effort never hurt anybody…"

Ayla started crying right then, and I groaned out loud. "Hold that thought, I have to go grab Ayla." I had set the phone down and rushed to her, soothing her gently while I walked back to my room and leaned against the headboard, letting her attach herself to my breast before picking the phone back up. "Okay…"

He sighed. "…We're done here, aren't we…?"

I laughed, "For a little while… and you said there was no harm in taking it slow…"

"I was wrong."

It had continued like that—he took off more days, knowing he'd still be called in on most of them, but hoping that we would get the chance more often than normal. And most of the time, Ayla would sleep long enough for both of us to finish in an explosion of whispered moans and devotions. But there were still times when we'd go weeks without… and then Gil would start snapping again, and I would have to grit my teeth against my temper again, reminding myself how hard this was for him, especially being aware that Jace often came to help with Ayla at night, now that I was getting closer to full nights of sleep…

I didn't know how we were going to keep this up much longer as the stress of our relationship was really rather draining… but I'd meant it when I said I loved him. I loved him like I had never loved anyone else. Stressful and difficult though it may be, until something changed, it was what we'd have to do.